Fanatic: Red XIII

By Tifa Gainsborough

~*~*~

Clips from the last episode are shown. The camera is fixed on Sephiroth's grinning face.

Announcer Dude: On the last episode of Fanatic. The host, Tifa Gainsborough and her two friends, Casey Crystal and Kinneas, were trapped by the diabolical Sephiroth and his pretty boy companion Rufus 'Prancing pretty pin-up boy toy' Shinra.

Rufus: HEY! Who writes this junk?

The scene flickers to show Reno, typing away gleeful on a typewriter. He gives the camera a thumbs up. Quick as lightening, man, talk about quick! The camera is back on Sephiroth's grinning face and Rufus sulking frown.

Sephiroth: Last I checked, you, lil Tifa Gainsborough, were highly overdue for a meeting with my tacks.

Tifa G: I resent that comment. And are you sure? Cause my day planner sure missed that part.

Sephiroth frowns and whips out his day planner.

Sephiroth: Look, it's right here, on the 20th of last month! My schedule reads exactly, 9:00 AM late breakfast with Kefka. 11:00 AM hair appointment to get split ends trimmed. coughs 1:30 PM find Aerith and give her apologizing flowers for the whole "Sword through the gut" incident. 4:00 PM if still alive, find Tifa Gainsborough and introduce her to Bob, the shiny new tack and his playmates. 7:00 PM summon Meteor, control planet enslaving AVALANCHE and torment nice new characters.

There is silence in the room. Even Rufus is taken aback. Tifa G pulls out her day planner and compares hers to his.

Tifa G: Nu-huh! I have one thing written down, sit in chair and look bored. And everybody knows that takes me all day to accomplish!

Casey: Excuse me! As wonderful as this whole little experience is, we are still tied up.

Kinneas: And we have an episode of Fanatic to do. Can't we make a deal or something? Cause as kinky as ropes are, this really is not working for me.

Tifa G: Um… I guess that is a good thing. How about we contribute all three of our salaries from all the Fanatic episode to Feed a Starving Squaresoft Villain. How does that sound?

Rufus: Fair enough.

The ropes are untied. Tifa G, Casey, and Kinneas shake hands with Rufus and Sephiroth. With a mad glint in her eyes, Tifa G skips out of the studio with a manic laugh. The scene shifts to show Tifa G, Kinneas and Casey in Nibelhiem.

Kinneas: I thought we didn't make a salary?

Casey: We don't.

Tifa G: Exactly! Of course by the time those two geniuses figure it out, we will be long gone. But we have a Fanatic episode to do! On today's episode Bree Kinneas nods approvingly will be interviewing Red XIII! Let's go get the lucky girl.

~*~*~

From the inside of Tifa's house, the sound of a piano being played can be heard. Tifa G and Kinneas, having left Casey outside to watch for Sephiroth and Rufus, climb the stairs. The piano music pauses as they reach the top of the steps.

Piano playing person: I HATE YOU! Grabs a chair and begins to pummel the living daylights, is that even possible? Out of the helpless piano. I'll teach you not to give me good nifty treats like you do in the game! You stupid piano!

Tifa G: Bree? Dodges a flying piece of what looked to be part of the piano. Would you happen to be Bree?

Piano playing person: I would be her. Hey! I know you! Your, you know, the interview chick or something.

Kinneas laughs and Tifa G simply scowls.

Kinneas: Interview chick.

Tifa G: Exactly, that interview chick… You have been chosen to interview Red XIII. Which technically, would make you the interview chick.

Kinneas: Careful Tifa G, you don't want to stretch your poor brain beyond it's capacity.

Bree does a victory dance on top of the mangled piano. Tifa G pounces on Kinneas, knocking her across the room, through a window, and hurtling towards the ground. Thankfully, Casey was their to break their fall.

Casey: Yeah sure… whatever.

~*~*~

First Impressions

Bree: I am really happy that I get to interview Red. I have some good questions that I want to ask him. I think he is a wonderfully complex character that I want to know so much about. Very nifty.

Red: I just have one word to sum up my feelings. AWESOME!

~*~*~

Red is sitting peacefully next to a cushiony chair at the Inn at Cosmo Canyon. Tifa G and Bree are standing at the entrance. Casey and Kinneas are out playing with the big fire outside.

Tifa G: Well, good luck.

Bree: Thank you very much. Walks over and has a seat in the chair Red was sitting next to. Hi! I'm Bree, I'm here to interview you. I just have to get this name out of the way right away. Which do you like better to be called, Red XIII or Nanaki?

Red: I greatly prefer to be called Nanaki. That was my birth name and most honorable to my family. Besides, Red XIII is something Hojo named me. And obviously anything relating to Hojo is bad.

Tifa G: I hear that!

Bree: Interesting. But do you mind being called Red?

Red: No, but I like Nanaki better, obviously.

Bree: I will remember that. Are you a feline or a canine?

Red: I'm not exactly sure if I fall into either of those categories. If I had to say which I was most like, I would say a feline. Since I like to think of myself as having the grace of a cat.

Bree: Nifty. Okay, I would ask boxers or briefs, since it is obviously a tradition, but since you don't wear anything, do you catch things on fire sometimes?

Red: I'm actually pretty good at making sure my tail doesn't catch anything on fair. Although there was this one time that I accidentally set Vincent's cape on fire. Obviously, that was not one of my more graceful moments. Also, Cid likes to light his cigarettes with my tail.

Bree: Can I pet you?

Red: Um… I suppose.

Bree happily begins to pet Red.

Tifa G: Soft! Red looks over his shoulder to see Tifa G nuzzling Red's fur with her cheek. Glancing up, her cheeks flame crimson and she slowly backs off. Sorry bout that, thought you meant everybody. I'll just uh… go crawl into a hole and die now. Excuse me.

Bree: O-kay. I think she has problems, I really do.

Red: Obviously.

Bree: Can you talk to animals?

Red: Actually no. I have always been able to communicate with humans since my birth. But never have I been able to talk to an animal. Although I would find it to be interesting, to see what they had to say.

Bree: What was it like traveling with everyone?

Red: Not pleasant sometimes. Climbing up that ladder into the Highwind is a complete pain! Especially when you don't have fingers to grip it. But I saw lots of things, so it was interesting.

Bree: Do you miss your grandfather?

Red: He went somewhere?

Bree: Didn't he die?

Red: He did?

Bree: Yeah.

Red: Oh, then yes, I do miss him.

Bree: Well uh… Blinks for a few minutes. Finally dragging herself back together. Do you live by yourself?

Red: It's not like I need a house or anything. Anyplace comfortable that I can curl up in is just fine with me.

Bree: Are you lonely though? Cause it seems like that would be a lonely way to live.

Red: Sometimes I can get lonely with nobody to talk to.

Bree: Well, I hate my home, so can I live here with you, please? Turns on the full force of the dreaded puppy dog eyes, people within three miles are blinded by the sheer wobbliness of them.

Red: All right.

~*~*~

Second Impressions

Bree: Cosmos Canyon here I come! Swings a giant nap sack over her shoulder. It has a sign on it reading "Cosmos Canyon or bust!" This is gonna be great!

Red: How did I get talked into this? Oh well, she was nice, I'm sure she will be pleasant to have around.

~*~*~

Kinneas: I can't believe it's the end of this episode and we are alive!

Casey: What I can't believe is that Rufus and Sephiroth have not figured it out by now.

Tifa G comes over to join them at the big fire. Dirt is clinging to her hair, she literally found a hole to climb into. Thankfully, or maybe not for the starving villains, she is still alive and kicking. Stray rocks that is.

Tifa G: Do you realize I only have one Fanatic left to do? Cause nobody has written in requesting over characters. I mean, I thought I had more, but I don't.

Casey: Does this mean we are going to be out of a job?

Kinneas: Is that even possible?

Tifa G: I'm afraid so! After Elena… sighs no more. Tifa G turns to the camera, puppy dog eyes going full blast. Kinneas and Casey have to shield their eyes to keep from falling under their powers. Please people, more interviews… Write me! Grabs onto the camera, pressing her nose into the glass. PLEASE!