I finally understood

by Shiomei

Kaoru leaves the dojo in order to heal. When she's about to give up somebody helps her and gives her hope again. A new life, new experiences and new feelings will determine her future. But can the past be totally buried?

3. Chapter 2

Author's Notes:

Hi!!! Minna-san How do you do? I am finally here again! I would like to apologise for the delay of this chapter!!! It is almost two or three months since I posted another chapter. I know I am a very bad girl. But what could I do? I had to study for my final exams, and believe me, if university tests are not easy, just wonder about the finals. Anyway, I am more than willing to carry on with this story. I am very grateful for your reviews!!! Please, Minna, continue sending them!

I want to thank Lily-chan in a special way. She helps me a lot by checking my horrible mistakes. Without her this fic would not be understandable enough. ^-^

Oh, I almost forgot! There are people who asked me if this fic was going to have a happy ending. Uhmm... Let me thinkI don`t think so... No! Of course I am lying!!! My readers in the Spanish section always ask me the same question about my others fics. Do not worry; I love writing dramas because I have the chance to go inside the feelings of the characters, and I can also explore new situations. But I am a K/K lover and I can't see them separated for a long time; after all, they are meant to be together and those kinds of things are unbreakable. So who are we to change their beautiful love?

You will see in this chapter how Kenshin takes in this situation (at least a little) and you will discover what his real feelings are. I don't want to distract you anymore!!!

Go, read and review!!!

Disclaimer:

I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor the rights of this terrific anime. The genius who created this story is Watsuki-sama. He and the ones who are associated with him are the owners of everything. **that lucky people ** and I definitively do not belong to that group. Come on! I don't even know Japan! U_U u

Ah!!! Don't forget this:

**Italics** is for thoughts

I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD

Written by Shiomei
Edited by Lily

Chapter two

It was a new day. The sun was shining in the sky giving everybody the impression that is was going to be a nice and sunny day. Kaoru woke up in the middle of the forest when she felt something warm hovering over her face. She slowly opened her eyes hoping that all the events that happened yesterday were a dream; she was expecting that the odd sensation she was feeling now was one of Yahiko's jokes. But it wasn't. Kaoru found a pair of brown eyes that reminded her of Sano, and then she saw that the warm breath that she felt emanated from a very long muzzle. A dog? No! It seemed like a monster. She was pretty scared and the first thing that Kaoru Kamiya used to do when she was afraid of something was shout, but she didn't do that this time. She could be impulsive but not stupid. She remained quiet because she had heard someone say that dogs, wolves or whatever kind of animal smell fear, and she didn't want to discover by personal experience if it was true or not. Anyway, the animal just stared at her without barking or doing something else. She closed her eyes again and tried to forget, at least for a few seconds, the fact that she was scared stiff. The wolf just smelled her for a few more seconds, and then it went away as silently as it came.

Kaoru could finally fill her lungs with air again. It was the first day of her journey, and she had almost been the food of a wild animal. Maybe she was exaggerating but everybody does that when something like this happens. Kami! It was her first day alone on her own and she had the feeling that she was messing all up.

She stood up and remembered that yesterday she had fallen asleep after seven, eight or maybe night hours of walking. The only thing she was sure was that the walk had been tiring enough to make her hurt. She didn't know where she was. It was so frustrating to ignore your whereabouts but she couldn`t do nothing against the reality. She was lost, hungry and even worst, she was apparently in danger. She sighed and began to walk around the place. She remembered that she had decided to take a different route, one that does not lead to Kyoto or to the places which she had wandered following Kenshin. It was now in the past and nothing could be done to change that truth. She had to forget Kenshin and it had to be done as soon as possible.

While she was walking she could only see a lot of trees and some birds chirping peacefully, sitting comfortably in the branches, looking at their surroundings like nothing has happened, so carefree and without any fear in the world. Suddenly, she felt envy. She felt alone and scared and just seeing the birds and the surroundings made her feel worst. She was angry at herself for her lack of care and for her fate. She could not cope with it any longer and released her anger by yelling.

"Good Kamiya Kaoru! Now what the hell were you thinking?! First you decide to start a new life along by leaving the dojo, and then the first thing you do is walk to a place that you do not know! How good is that! Then, like you haven`t got enough, you fall asleep without even investigating what kind of place this is, and you wake up with great luck to see a horrible wild animal hovering over you which might have eaten you if you have not thought of anything in that damn moment. Good thing you remember what people say." She stopped for a moment to breathe and then added sadly. "Nice way to begin a new life" She almost began to cry when her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten anything for a long time. She temporarily forgot her pitiful situation as she thought, 'Oh my God! I am starving. I forgot to bring some food with me. I mustn't cry. I've cried too much, and I can't waste more tears in vain. Now my priority is to find something edible to eat." And she began to walk towards the ignored, thinking and regretting her lack of care at cooking. Now she had to face the consequences. Anyway, who said that being a rurouni was going to be easy?

*_*_*_*_*_* Dojo Kamiya *_*_*_*_*_*_*

"Kaoru-dono breakfast is ready," said Kenshin gently, knocking on her door. He had prepared breakfast, and he decided to call her so that they could eat together. Yahiko and Sano were not at home, and he absolutely ignored where they could be. Kaoru's door was closed so he assumed that she was asleep.

He was going to knock again but stopped when a terrible feeling invaded him.He felt guilty for his reaction when she confessed her feelings to him. He acted in an impolite and careless manner. He knew that he had hurt her a lot, and he wanted to talk to her about it and try to make her understand that he wasn´t neglecting her because he did not love her. The situation was the complete opposite. Yesterday, when he saw her running away from him, he felt the urge to go after her, and confess his feelings to her. He wanted to say freely "I love you" as any other man could do; he wanted to embrace her, to kiss her and to keep her safe near him, but he couldn't. He couldn´t because of his past. His hands were still soaked with blood and his soul was one of a destroyed man. It was the soul of a merciless murderer called Battousai that worked for the Shinsengumi in a war that finished with the defeat of a corrupt group and the victory of another political party that was surely following the same path. He had been for them just their efficient marionette. She didn´t deserve the remnants of a man, she needed a man who could fill her heart with love and adoration, she needed more than him. That´s why he had to love her in secret; trying to show his gratefulness by doing house chores for her. Just a smile was necessary to warm his days. He never thought how selfish his reasoning was.

Obviously he was aware of his feelings for her. He loved her with all his heart and soul. If he had seen Tomoe in his mind yesterday, it was because he was reminded of his past. When Kaoru confessed to him, he immediately remembered his life as a Battousai and also his wife and that triggered his mind to remember everything that had happened to him. He was afraid to touch that memory: the memory of Tomoe. It was not because he still loved her. No it could not be. It was because she still occupied an important place in his heart. His feelings for her were not the same as they had been, it would not be normal, but she was still a special person to him. Tomoe was the one who saved him from himself when he was still Battousai, and kept him sane and rational during the time in which everywhere you looked was bloodshed. She was the memory of someone important, someone who was impossible to forget; the memory of a story of his life that could repeat itself if he didn't do anything to change it.

Kenshin was afraid of losing the one he loved again. He did not want Kaoru dying because of him or because some insane people wanted to kill the Battousai to have the title of the best or because they wanted to control Japan or simply because they just wanted to die by his hands. She did not deserve to live a terrible life by his side, always preoccupied and in danger of being attacked or murdered. And, his main reason, she most certainly do not deserve a person stained like him. A pure angel like her was not meant to be with a demon like him. Those kinds of things were impossible to unite; they were just dreams and fantasies but nothing else.

Even if he also knew Kaoru did not care about his past he couldn`t admit the fact that she loved him. She attributed it to her kind and understanding personality. She was a nice and naive girl who accepted him as Kenshin Himura with both the Battousai and the rurouni sides. She accepted him as a whole because her big and generous heart made her blind at the reality. She thought she loved him but he knew that deep in her heart it was only pity or maybe a transitory infatuation. After all, he had been the one who had saved her many times.

**She can´t love someone like me**

She was still so young to know what love really is. He was almost thirty years old, and he still didn´t understand what was the real meaning of love He knew he loved once, but the meaning he could find in it was death, pain and a memory that would haunt him till the end of his days. Kaoru was just a girl who was confused. He loved her, and he felt guilty because of that. At first he had tried to deny it, but after a long time, he realized that the feelings he kept for her were a mix of love and gratitude. He knew he loved her but he was confused. Sometimes he thought he loved her as the woman she was and then that love was turned into one of brothers, a fraternal love. Now he didn´t really know what his feelings were.

Anyway, even if his love was a romantic one, his problem was not as easy as it seemed. He couldn`t happily admit his feelings to her. His problem was far more difficult.He fell in love with her and so did his Battousai side. The Hitokiri could emerge any moment; his murderous instincts were alive in his soul, and he knew he could fail in defending her or even worst, harm her. He did know if he could protect Kaoru from the Battousai that lived inside of him. That was his worst nightmare, and he was not going to let it happen. Never. If he had to deny his own feelings for Kaoru's safety, then he would do that. She deserved the best, and he definitively didn´t meet Kaoru's standards.

Kaoru hasn't answered; she even hadn´t made a single sound. Kenshin used his ability of reading ki to know if Kaoru was okay. His surprise was big when he discovered that nobody was in the interior of the room. At least, nobody alive. Fear began to run in his veins. He opened the door abruptly to find nothing. Her futon was in the same location as always, like nobody had touched it before. He looked around the room to see all her possessions as tidy as always. He felt like something was missing but he couldn't figure out what it was. Then he ran towards the dojo. He didn't know what encouraged him to do that, he only followed his instincts.

He entered the place and saw, in the middle of the floor, two white envelops. His heart suspected what was written on the letters before his brain could process all his thoughts. He picked up the letters from the floor and read his name in one of them, written with Kaoru's neat handwriting. His eyes began to be filled with tears, which were threatening to escape. His heart was racing. Fear and premature guilt were residing in his heart.

He opened the letter slowly, as if wanting to kill his terrified soul painstakingly slow, afraid of the imminent truth.

Kenshin,

By the time you read this letter, I will be far away from the dojo. I wrote you a personal letter because I wanted to apologize and ask you one last favour.

I am really sorry for my earlier behaviour. I did not have the right to say those things without thinking of you and your feelings. I understand that you must be very angry with me right now. You must be thinking that I am a coward and you might be right. I just wanted to tell you that you are not the reason for my actions. I don't want you blaming yourself because of me. This was MY decision and whatever happened in the lake was not your fault. That was a huge mistake. As I said before, I haven't thought about your feelings. I have just discovered how selfish I must seem. I apologize sincerely. For the first time in my life, I am doing what my head orders me to do, and I am trying to put aside my heart. I have taken a decision, which I will follow till the end. I just want you to respect and accept it. I am leaving. I don`t know where but I think that maybe some time of isolation will make me good. I want to put in order my priorities and also I want to think over my past actions and to demonstrate myself that I am able to take care of myself.

Kenshin, I do not want you and the others looking for me or worrying about me, especially you. Please Kenshin, this is the favour I wanted to ask you: Stay in the dojo and take care of Yahiko and the others as you always did. Please try to find your happiness. I know that with me far away from you, you will be able to find a way to be really happy. Now I realize that I´ve been a burden to you, and because of that I apologise deeply. I was sincere when I told you that it was time for you to think about your own happiness. You deserve a lot Kenshin. Do not waste your opportunity to be happy. I promise you that I will do the same. I am sure that one day I will find my happiness, but now I need to be alone and sort out my emotions. Maybe one day we will be able to meet each other again and, when that day comes, I expect to see a genuine smile in your face but, by the moment, forget everything that I told you in the lake. I will also try to do the same because I do think that it is the best for the both of us.

Remember that the past is in the past Kenshin. Give yourself a new chance to begin a new life full of happiness. I wish you good luck.

Farewell

Kaoru

*****************************

"Hey busu! Where are you?" asked Yahiko while entering the house. Sanosuke was behind him chewing his fishbone, as usual.

Nobody answered his question. He was expecting a "Don't call me busu Yahiko-CHAN!!!" and with that he could begin his daily routine. But his time was different. A deafening silence invaded the place. They looked at each other frowning and then in a silent agreement they went quickly to the dojo and found Kenshin standing in the middle of the training room with his back to them.

"Hey Kenshin, where is Jo-chan?" Sanosuke asked in a serious tone. He knew that Kenshin had caused yesterday Kaoru's suffering. Nobody else could have the effect Kenshin had on Kaoru and he was mad because of that.

Without turning back, Kenshin extended his arm with the other letter towards his friends and then he went out of the room without saying any single word. Yahiko took the letter. He tore it open without hesitation. He knew something was wrong with Kenshin´s behaviour and he was afraid that it could have connection with Kaoru. He looked at the letter, and his eyes widened when he read her name written legibly at the end of the letter. He told Sano that it was from Kaoru in sad and frightened voice. The rooster-head could only say:

"Shit! What the hell does it say?"

Yahiko began to read in a loud voice,

Dear Yahiko and Sanosuke,

I really don't know how to say this...I am leaving. Maybe around this time, I'll be far away from the dojo.

"Shit!" This time Sanosuke shouted. "Damn! Jo-chan what have you done?!" he said in a cracked voice. Yahiko began to cry but he carried on reading

I know that I have lied to the both of you. I am very sorry. I needed to do that because you were never going to agree with my decision. You must be wondering why I have decided to do this. Well, do you remember that yesterday I was not feeling okay and I told you that it was nothing? I lied. I was never good in hiding my emotions right? that´s why you supposed that something had happened to me and I am afraid to say that you were right.

You know that there are moments when you need to be alone to think about your life and what path you will choose to make it better. Well, that is what I'm doing. I am in one of those moments so I need to think carefully about what I really want to do with my life. Yesterday I realized that I was wrong in some aspects and I need to change them. I know that maybe this is not the best way to act but this is my decision. I am sorry again my friends. It is not my intention to worry all of you but I had to do this.

Yahiko, you are already a man and I am sure that I've trained a good warrior. I am very proud of you. Carry on by being the sweet boy you are. It seems that I cannot finish your training. I am so sorry. I am sure Kenshin and Sano will help you. I know you do not like this kind of things but I want to say this: I love you as the little brother I never had and I will always thank Kami for having the opportunity to meet you and live so many beautiful moments with you and the others. Remember that your busu will always love you. Do not doubt that you are in my heart forever.

Sano, yesterday I told you that you are like my brother and that is totally true. I also love you very much. You will also be in my heart and in my memories forever. Don't forget your promise to take care of Yahiko. I know he already can do it by himself but I really feel better when I know that someone will look after him as I tried to do. Please do not argue too much with Yahiko and stop fighting with Megumi. Everybody knows that you love each other. I wish the both of you good luck.

All of you have been a real family to me. You and Yahiko are like my brothers; Misao and Megumi are like my sisters and all of you! I cannot express how happy I am that I have met you. You might be asking, what about Kenshin. Well, as for that. I do not know, but I think he thinks of me as a sister. Well, if I say it's okay, you might think that I may be lying, but I am not. I'm glad that he thinks about me like that because it means that he cares, right? HahahaI have told you about my feelings for him so don't tell okay? I will really miss all of youplease take care.

Lastly, give to doctor Genzai, Megumi, Tae and all our friends the same explanation. I will pray everyday for all of you. Kisses to Ayame and Suzume!

And thank you again for all the good moments you gave me and please do not try to look for me. It´s the only thing that I request from you.

Live a happy life!

Kaoru

***************

"KAORU! Damn! Why the hell did you have to leave?" Yahiko screamed, his voice full of sadness that could tear a heart apart if someone else heard it. He fell on his knees and began to sob while hitting the floor with his fists.

After some minutes, Sanosuke decided to stop the boy before he broke his hands. He tried to restrain him, but Yahiko resisted him. Impotence and hostility still resided in him. After a few seconds, he turned back and asked Sano in a very heartbreaking way, "She's coming back right? Please tell me that she is going to come backI don't want you or Kenshin teaching me anythingI want Kaoru to teach me the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu stylethe sword that protects where is it? Sanotell me, please, where are her promises?" He started to cry again, but this time he was reclined in Sano's chest. He just embraced the kid and tried to calm him down, but he failed.

Sanosuke still could not believe this. Jo-chan went away without saying why. *That `s why she insisted in the mysterious training for Yahiko*- he thought. Her explanation was not convincing though. He had to find out the reason of her departure, and he was sure that the one who knew more than anybody else was Kenshin.

He also began to shed some tears and answered in a very sad voice, "I don't know Yahiko. I really don't know. I just know that you need to cry now" he said trying to stop his tears and managing an almost normal voice. "Later, we will have to find out what made her leave us like this. She would not do things of this span without a good reason. That`s not the Kaoru I know." ** And I am almost sure what it is**- He added menacingly to himself.

He had lost his family once and he was not going to allow somebody knocking down the family they had formed. Even if he had to fight with one of the members of his family; even if this person was the one he considered his best friend; even if he could be sorry later about it, this time he would not care. If he had to fight with Kenshin he was going to do that. If it was necessary he would erase from his head the word hesitation. The debate between friendship and revenge had begun, but it wasn´t time to take decisions. He still would not choose. Not now. Not yet. Maybe in the next chapter.

-------------

HI AGAIN MINNA-SAN !!! THIS CHAPTER WAS MADE BECAUSE THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO BE THE REACTION OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS. WELL I KNOW KENSHIN`S REACTION IS STILL A LITTLE DARK BUT DO NOT WORRY, NEXT CHAPTER YOU`LL SEE WHAT KENSHIN AND SANO DECIDED TO DO. WILL KENSHIN TELL THE OTHERS THE TRUTH? IF YOU ARE WONDERING THESE THINGS OR MAYBE ANOTHERS WAIT FOR THE OTHER CHAPTER THAT IS BOUND TO BE UPDATED SOONER THAN THIS. DONT WORRY.

ARIGATO FOR READING THIS FIC AND DONT FORGET TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW. ^_~

SHIOMEI