Disclaimer: *sigh* Harry Potter's not mine, and never will be, because the SARS virus has given up my cause. Damn fickle respiratory syndrome....
RANDOM EVENT OF THE CHAPTER
An anonymous quote for post-OotP Sirius fans:
I'm not in denial. I'm just selective of the reality I choose to accept.
So select away!
IMPORTANT: Read the author's notes at the end. They are stupid and pointless for a while, but important information is disclosed therein. And they're slightly humourous. If you want to laugh at me. Which everyone most certainly does...
Aaannnd a random message from my beta, Alexandrea-Riddle, who seems to feel she can invade my fic any time she damn well pleases.
Hello. Beta here. The one that has lost all privileges. You need to read the end or else. The or else' is I'm gonna find you and rant because I had to live through the I have mental block stage. YOU DIDN'T~!~
Thanks for that. Now everyone thinks I'm a psychopath. Great.
* * *
Chapter 3: A Night at the Movies, A Day at the Therapist's
For a second, James stood paralyzed, staring at Sirius' prone figure. Half of him had managed to make it into the foyer, while the other half artfully decorated the welcome mat outside the door. James wondered how Sirius had managed to fall forwards, as the human body was proportioned in such a way as to avoid that from happening.
Chalk it up as one of life's great mysteries, James surmised, scratching his head absentmindedly. As the stag Animagus deliberated over what to do with his fainted friend, Lily made her appearance.
What on earth is taking you so lon- she cut herself off, fixing James with a hard look. What, exactly, is Sirius doing on the ground?
He fainted, her husband explained, with all the details available.
Did he now. Was the sheer stress of getting diapers simply too much for him to take? Lily smirked, apparently unaware of the ghastly trials a man went through when he was sent to buy diapers. James gaped at her utter lack of sympathy, incapable of defending Sirius' honor against such a cold-hearted remark. Come on, James, you thought I wouldn't recognize a prank when it stares me in the face? You two were obviously conspiring against me.
Why would we do that?! came James' highly affronted reply.
Have you two ever needed a reason for your actions, James? Honestly, you could at least have the decency to apologize instead of denying the whole thing!
The hell, Lily! James eloquently shot back, refusing to back down after such awful accusations. Sirius really is unconscious! Or dead. I actually haven't checked for a pulse.
I don't care if Sirius has a pulse or not! The point is that I caught on to the both of you before you could unleash whatever heinous prank you had in mind, hence you were, and I hate to say it, foiled.
We were NOT foiled! One does not just go about foiling the likes of us, dear! James shrieked in protest, rather unwisely.
Oh, so now you admit that there was something to foil, was there? Lily retorted silkily, while James began to turn red with indignation. Just apologize, James, and we'll forget about it.
I have nothing to apologize for! James yelled, in the throes of fury. And a furious James could only mean one thing: sarcasm. Yes, Lily, I'm terribly sorry my best friend just happened to faint and/or fall down dead in our house, it's really a darn shame! Please accept my most heartfelt apologies for not using my godly powers to stop this from happening...
Lily hated sarcasm almost as much as she hated people who refused to apologize, which made James extremely susceptible to the full rage of his wife.
James Potter, she intoned, deadly calm, if you don't apologize right this instant-
Pardon me, Lily, but what has Padfoot done this time, out of sheer curiosity?
Remus had made his second amazingly-timed entrance of the evening.
Oh, you're back! What movies did you rent? Lily asked, brushing a strand of hair out of her face, the very picture of serenity. She had been the one to suggest, the moment Sirius had departed on his quest, that they rent some movies in order to pass the time. Remus had volunteered to go pick some up, seeing as though James was banished from doing so.
I took Padfoot here's earlier comment to heart, Remus answered, gesturing to Sirius, whose status no one had yet bothered to check. He looked at James. And yes, it's what you think it is, Prongs; so sorry for eavesdropping. I picked up The Godfather', because I haven't seen it either.
Well, why would you have - after all, movies are a muggle thing, Lily reasoned. If I wasn't muggle-born, none of you would even know what a VCR was.
Correction - if your fantastically rich and conveniently terminally-ill uncle hadn't bought us our VCR as a wedding present, we wouldn't know what a VCR was, James supplied. Lily groaned, rolling her green eyes skywards.
Wasn't that a pleasant experience... There we were, receiving the latest and greatest in muggle technology by a man who had less than six months left to live, and you and Sirius- Lily shook her head as if to banish the memories. Nevermind. The point is, we're incredibly lucky to have one.
You're even luckier that Sirius hasn't wrecked it yet... Speak of the dog, what exactly did you do to him, Lily? He hasn't moved for a good ten minutes, Remus observed, returning to their initial conversation topic.
Lily moved towards where Sirius lay, and crouched down beside him. She then proceeded to conduct a highly scientific examination of the man, which consisted mainly of poking and the occasional pulling of hair. James and Remus watched her in silence.
Well, my extensive medical training indicates that he's dead, Lily pronounced finally, apparently oblivious to the rhythmic rise and fall of Sirius' chest. Your turn, she tossed, nodding at Remus.
The lycanthrope went about his inspection in a much different manner than Lily had, opting to check for a pulse. He also seemed to be cautious of any injuries, whereas Lily, by contrast, had done her best to create some.
I do hate to cause a debate, Lily, but it appears to me that our dear friend Padfoot seems to be alive, Remus diagnosed, frowning slightly. However, he's not in very good shape - our canine friend must have picked up a virus or something while he was out.
James gasped, then burst into fake tears, this news apparently too much for him to take. Lily rubbed her temples, feeling a headache coming on.
she began, trying to be heard above the din that was her husband. Do you think it's a 24 hour virus, or something more serious?
Remus' mouth twitched, and Lily silently begged him not to say the pun she knew was going through his mind. Thankfully, he abstained from vocalizing it. James abruptly stopped crying, and piped in:
Well, to take down Sirius, who's got an immune system that could probably resist chicken pox, it would have to be a pretty killer germ, if you ask me.
No one did, but seeing as though you've made a valid point, I forgive you, Lily offered benevolently. James stuck his tongue out at her, which she pointedly ignored. So it looks like Sirius will be indisposed for a while. Now then, only one question remains: who's going to look after him? He can't possibly take care of himself in that state, magically or otherwise.
The two conscious Marauders looked at each other in a daring sort of way. Neither of them wanted to volunteer, but then again, neither of them wanted to sound like an uncaring prat.
There was a long, uncomfortable silence.
Sirius had never been comfortable with silences, and it seemed this trend carried over even when he was comatose. He gave a mighty twitch, opened one eye, threw up on James' sock and returned to his previous catatonic state.
There was another long, uncomfortable silence.
James, I've come to a conclusion.
If it has anything to do with sordid fluid on foot wear, Moony, now's not the time, the black-haired man gritted out through clenched teeth. Remus smiled brightly back at him, happy as a lycanthropic clam.
Lovely adjective, but no, it doesn't. Although I am storing these images away for future reference, you understand. James was making a funny clicking noise, and Lily instinctively took a step back. My conclusion is as follows: Sirius has quite obviously just selected you, James, as his ideal caregiver, and who am I to argue with vomit? Have a lovely time with that, I think I'll take my leave -
Surprisingly, it was Lily, and not her wrathful husband that uttered the stunning spell. James looked at her questioningly.
Bloody werewolf, like hell he's gonna logic his way out of this one, she declared ferociously. I am NOT playing nurse to a diseased Sirius Black without the proper backup, no way, no how!!
Lily, have I told you lately that I love you?
But only for as long as I can Stupefy your nitwit friends into oblivion, right? she grinned, winking at James, who laughed amiably.
Speaking of nitwit friends, he began, as his arm snaked its way around Lily's waist, what are we going to do with them?
I'll just magic Remus onto the couch in the family room; he'll come to soon enough. You can get Sirius into the guest room upstairs, hopefully before he throws up on you again.
Luckily, the plan was carried out without a hitch, with Remus reviving just as James came back downstairs. Remus acted as though nothing had happened, as though he was under the illusion that this would preserve his forsaken dignity.
Lily popped the tape into the VCR while James and Remus looked on, clueless as to how the machine operated. They were only slightly better versed with the workings of the TV, which had been a necessary purchase after they had been presented with the VCR. (Neither James nor Remus even bothered to ask Lily how she had rigged it so that the two electronic objects functioned in the magic-intense atmosphere of the house.)
Once they were settled, Lily started the movie.
*1979 - Post James and Lily's honeymoon*
Where in the hell is Sirius?! I can't believe this! James, you told him to come at six, did you not?!
Yes, I told him to come at six, for the thousandth time! I even specified six pm, for chrissakes, Lily! I warned you that he might be a tad late, I warned you...
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES, James! Hardly a tad, if you ask me! And what good's a warning if the man practically lives in another time zone?!
Peter observed the two newlyweds anxiously, unnerved by the furor at which they were screaming at each other. He caught Remus' eye, and was distraught to note that the werewolf was viewing the scene with the air of one studying the death of a flobberworm. That is to say, Remus was bored and faintly distressed that he could see no end in sight to the whole affair. Peter leaned in closer to his friend, wanting to communicate.
How can you watch this so calmly, Remus? I mean, this is horrible...
Yes, it's a rather impressive row, no doubt about it. I suppose I just take some sort of morbid pleasure from this sort of thing - either that or I'm shockingly desensitized to violent arguments, Remus mused, considering this for a moment before continuing in a whisper. Regardless from where my blasé disposition comes from, it comes in very handy when witnessing scenarios such as these unfold.
You watch train wrecks too, then? Peter determined, trying to block out the sound of James and Lily's arguing. I think it's terrible - what if they get a divorce or something? he added, slightly panicked at the thought.
Remus didn't think it worth noting that their mutual friends hadn't even been married for three months yet, and that the argument at hand was hardly one over which homes were broken. Peter's anxiety would dissipate the minute the fight came to an end, which Remus estimated would occur when Sirius arrived.
The werewolf then had a brief moment of indecision as to whether he should tell Sirius that his best friend was arguing with his new wife because of him, then decided that he would, because Sirius tended to become quite charitable whenever he felt guilty. Remus felt that a Sirius who was willing to spend money on his friends unsparingly was in everyone's best interest, and Remus always had his friends' best interests at heart.
That and the undeniable fact that getting the better of Sirius Black was one of life's simple pleasures.
And so, the minutes ticked by. Remus plotted, James and Lily argued, and Peter had one panic attack after another. Finally, the thundering sound that could only be Sirius' beloved D.B. filled the air. James and Lily's dispute came to a swift end, the conclusion drawn that James was to give Sirius hell as soon as he stepped past the door. Which he soon did, sashaying rather unaffectedly into the foyer.
Sirius, what part of six pm on the dot' did you not understand? James glowered at Sirius, attempting to loom menacingly over him, but finding it impossible as they were the same height. Sirius sighed, shook his head a bit, and gave James a pitying look.
James, James, James... I really would have loved to be here on time, truly. But the thing is, he began, his voice practically dripping with regret. The thing is, I have an aversion to the concept of punctuality - it scares the bejeezus out of me! I just couldn't bring myself to do it, Prongs - I'll admit it, I have a problem!
So do I, James replied evenly. Its name is Sirius Black, and I've been suffering from it for nearly a decade now.
He then punctuated this statement by giving Sirius a sharp swat to the back of his head. Sirius gave a dog-like yelp before smacking James back with triple the force.
That's for being inconsiderate to those with psychological issues, he huffed. Sirius then stormed into the family room and collapsed into James' favourite armchair, clearly ready to go into pout-mode. James didn't mind this in itself - he only wished Sirius had chosen a different chair.
Remus cleared his throat, cutting through the sound of Sirius' vexed muttering.
Well, now that we're all present and accounted for, I think we should possibly do what we came here to do - and that is to try out James and Lily's magnificent new V- Remus suddenly fell silent in the middle of the acronym, scrunching his face up with concentration. Oh, give me a minute, I know it starts with a v' and that it's an acronym of some sort... wait for it...it'll come to me...
James would have laughed at Remus' rare display of incomprehension had he not been utterly ignorant of the thing's name himself. Lily sighed, not bothering to mask her amusement, and came to the rescue.
It's called a VCR, Remus. And don't worry, James doesn't know what it's called either and it's in our house.
But I know what it does, and that's the important thing, James declared. I also know that we have no movie tapes here, and without them, the V-thingy cannot do what I know it does, and that is to play Muggle movies. So there, he finished smugly, his last comment directed to no one in particular.
Peter by this point was experiencing information-overload. No one had told him anything about movies! He didn't even know what movies were or did, but he had a sinking suspicion that he should. And so, Peter went by his old stand-by, which was to just go with the flow and pray that the whole thing would become clear to him later. That seldom happened, but hope does spring eternal, after all.
Then let's go get some movies, if you two don't own any, Peter guessed, relieved to see that his friends were nodding in agreement.
Remus smiled softly at Peter, glad that the latter knew what movies were, and also that Sirius now owed him ten sickles. (Sirius' muttering was momentarily punctuated with a few choice four-letter words.)
Now there's a plan, Lily approved. Why don't you just head down to the video store, Peter, and pick up a few?
Well, uh, y'see... Peter stuttered, mentally considering himself as screwed. James, however, broke into the conversation.
Lily, how's he supposed to know where it it? He's never been to our local video store, have you, Wormtail? he inquired, head cocked slightly to the side as he regarded Peter.
No, can't say that I have, James! Peter squeaked, resisting the urge to throw himself at his friend's feet in gratitude.
Then I, James Potter, shall accompany you, James responded imperially, although the effect was undermined somewhat due to Remus and Lily's violent snickering. He turned to the armchair where Sirius was sitting and pretending to ignore them all. Siri, you wanna come with?
came the noncommittal reply.
Oh fine, stay here and lament the sorrows of the world, James sighed, correctly interpreting Sirius' muttering. But just so you know, you no longer have the right to complain about whatever movies we rent.
Sirius answered with a caustic snort, which clearly said: You keep telling yourself that, Prongs, and one day it might come true.
James sighed again as he opened the closet and reached for his shoes.
Look on the bright side, James - you get to go out and escape him for awhile, Remus offered, a sardonic grin on his face. Your charming wife and I get to babysit in your absence.
Lily's dark look told James that she didn't appreciate that fact in the slightest. Nevertheless, she went upstairs to get her wallet as soon as James informed her that he had no muggle money on him.
she said, practically shoving the regrettably feminine wallet against his chest. But I want the change back, so don't forget!
And do get something good, Remus suggested, as James and Peter made their way out the door. Peter laughed a little before replying.
Don't worry, Moony, I'll just let James do the picking - I promise I won't get involved and screw things up by getting something horrible. Remus frowned slightly before his sardonic grin made another appearance.
Well, even if you did end up getting something horrible, Wormtail, it wouldn't be a complete loss, because then Sirius would have something to complain about.
James, sensing a dogfight coming on, was quick to shut the door.
/several minutes later/
Because of the unfortunate fact that Peter did not know the location of the video store, the two wizards were unable to apparate there as they would have liked. They were forced instead to take a ride in James' self-proclaimed Spiffy Car, which supposedly had come into being via an effort to one-up Sirius' motorbike.
Now, even though the Marauders knew that James' Spiffy Car was in reality a dilapidated Volkswagen Beetle that ran for ten minutes and went at a maximum speed of 40 miles per hour on the best of days, that didn't mean they were at liberty to say anything that would touch upon that fact. (Not to say that certain red-haired women didn't comment on this often, mind you.) Thus, Peter was forced to swallow whatever misgivings he may have had as he squeezed into what Sirius had (while out of James' earshot) affectionately dubbed That Run-Down Shit Box On Wheels.
Even when the steering wheel fell off, Peter remained wisely silent, knowing a remark about the car's condition would ruin James' mood for the evening, if not for his life.
Amazingly, the car made it to the video store without exploding in flames, something that Peter felt was all too probable an event. With that particular hurdle overcome, the rat Animagus scurried behind James into the video store.
Peter made a conscious effort not to gawk or look too nonplused as he stared at the plethora of tapes before him. These were videos, then! Suddenly, his mind made the connection between video tapes, VCRs and muggle movies.
It was a beautiful thing, Peter thought to himself.
James was less astonished with the video store. He stalked through the aisles with the air of one simply going through the motions. But James was not as confident as he looked, because this trip to the rental shop was indeed the first he had made without Lily, and his involvement in the selection of movies had been limited even then. In fact, James hadn't the foggiest idea of what to get or where to look.
Just then, Peter trotted up to him, carrying a pile of tapes in his arms.
James! What do you think of these, he asked, looking up at James expectantly. James gulped internally as he began to read the titles out loud.
Casablanca.. Ben Hur... Citizen Kane... James scowled. These sound craptacular, Pete! Not that you're picking them wrong, he added quickly, catching Peter's devastated look. I'll bet all the movies here suck, and Lily and I have already rented the only good ones, is all.
Peter seemed appeased, but James' predicament was far from over. Where to find a suitable movie in a store that clearly specialized in grade-A critical bombs?
It was at this opportune moment that a sign caught James' eye. His face lit up with newfound hope, and he nudged Peter's arm, gesturing wildly at the placard.
Oi, Wormtail! Do you see what I see?
Uh, I see a sign that says Restricted area - Adults Only'.
That's what I see, old buddy! And as we both know, good things always come from the Restricted section! James proclaimed jubilantly.
James, this isn't Hogwarts, nor are you in the Library. I don't think it's the same th- Peter didn't get a chance to finish his thought, as James was already halfway across the store.
Let's check it out! he commanded.
So check it out they did. James picked up a movie entitled: Passion Beneath The Bomb Shelter and began to read the summary.
Amid the chaos of war, two tortured souls find love in the barracks of Normandy. But what steamy secrets lurk beneath their uniforms? An intense, throbbing art film starring Erotica Goldust and Butch Hott.' Huh, James blinked, regarding the enamored couple on the cover. Bet Remus would like this one - sounds like a war epic.
Peter narrowed his eyes, unsure whether James was joking or not.
Um, okay, but don't you think these are a little -
Ooh, listen to this one! Sounds like one of those everyday dramas Lily's so fond of: A lonely suburban housewife. A tormented appliance salesman. One hot summer's day, these two will meet and share a love more fiery than the sun itself. A gripping, imaginative trip through the desirous psyche of an anguished homemaker and the working man who dared to love her, James narrated, shaking his head a little before reading the next line. Starring Julia Valentine and Rocco Lauritzen.' Geez, why do all muggle actors have these weird names?
I dunno, Peter offered lamely, preoccupied by the strange feeling of incoming doom that had suddenly come over him. James stared at him questioningly. Because they're muggles?
I suppose that's a good enough reason as any, but these are particularly unique.
James, I have a bad feeling about this...
James scoffed in reply.
C'mon, Peter - you were the one that didn't want to get involved in the decision-making process, remember? Peter nodded glumly. So you're just gonna have to trust me and my innate sense of good judgment.
Peter vaguely recalled several instances at Hogwarts where James had said the exact same thing, instances in which whatever prank they were pulling had gone horribly, horribly awry. Peter refused to bring this up and be forced to remember the many detentions. Silence was golden.
So they went with James' intuition and rented Passion Beneath the Bomb Shelter' and its counterpart, A Housewife's Tale of Seduction'. The pimply-faced clerk was smiling at them in a way that profoundly disturbed Peter, but James seemed not to notice.
Mind you, James also didn't notice the car parked in his driveway until it was nearly too late and he had to slam on the brakes, losing the roof of the car in the process.
The hell? he muttered, stepping out of the car in order to inspect the foreign object. Peter didn't recognize it, but then again, he knew very few people who owned cars. Recognition must have dawned on James, though, because a very dark look crossed his face as soon as he completed his circle around the car. Let's get inside, Peter.
And he stalked across his lawn towards the front door, muttering all the way. As they wiped their feet on the welcome rug outside the door, Peter turned to James curiously.
James, do you know whose car that is?
Unfortunately, yes. And I don't see why she had to come, or why Lily invited her... James responded grimly, not looking too eager to go into his house as he turned his key in the lock.
The first thing that greeted them was a flustered, hostile Sirius, who didn't even wait until they got their shoes off before he started ranting at them.
James, I hate her. I don't know why she's here, I don't care if Lily invited her, I hate her, I want her gone. Now.
To Peter's mild surprise, James did not berate Sirius at all for this outburst, but rather, looked sympathetic and equally upset.
Yes, I do too, but there's nothing I can do about it-
Nothing you can do about it! I'll nothing you! You have to do something! ANYTHING! You're our last hope! Sirius pleaded, clearly at his wit's end. Remus is too polite and reserved to say anything, and she's Lily's sister for crying out loud! And Peter, no offense, he added, wouldn't rage at somebody if his life depended on it! James, I'm begging you, man! I haven't even shown my face since she got here!
Sorry, Padfoot - if you want something done about her, you'll have to do it yourself, I'm afraid, James said, clapping a hand on Sirius' shoulder and patting it regretfully before he entered the family room.
Sirius turned to Peter.
Wormtail, if you're smart, you'll take a page out of my book, he stated, before taking on his Animagus form and racing away. Peter swallowed hard. Lily's sister? His contact with her had been limited at best (James and Sirius' reactions to her presence confirmed his suspicions that there was a reason for this), but they had been introduced at James and Lily's wedding. She couldn't be that bad, could she? Sirius was just a tad sensitive, after all.
The minute he entered the family room, he wished he had taken Sirius' advice. Peter's gaze settled first on Remus, who at first glance looked like he was listening with rapt interest. Peter took in Remus' fisted hands and the clenched smile on his face with something akin to shell shock. What sort of person could possibly bring out that sort of reaction in Remus, whom Peter knew to be nearly impossible to bother?
He got his answer as soon as he looked at Lily and James, who were sitting on the loveseat across from Remus and talking to a woman seated in James' favourite armchair. That fact alone was enough to send James into an apocalyptic fury, Peter estimated. Lily kept glancing between James and her sister, looking apologetic and miserable. Her smile resembled Remus' a great deal, although it faltered regularly. James, meanwhile, stared icily at the woman in the armchair, not even bothering to attempt a smile. His responses were curt and, most terrifying of all, absent of all sarcasm.
Dear God, thought Peter, she must be evil incarnate!
He was about to about face and run, not unlike Sirius had, but Lily called his name, obviously grateful to have reinforcements.
Peter! Petunia, this is our friend, Peter Pettigrew. Peter, my sister, Petunia, the red-head said, looking at her sister with a forced smile. The smile Peter got was genuine, if not short-lived.
Pleased to meet you, Peter responded, reaching out to shake her hand. Petunia did not offer hers, offering him a dry:
Charmed, I'm sure...
Lily coughed slightly, pasting another weak smile on her face.
Yes, I invited Petunia over to watch the movies with us, seeing as though she doesn't have a VCR...
James turned his head to look at her, and Peter had no trouble understanding what he was trying to communicate: That's your reason for subjecting us to this, because she doesn't have a VCR? We're not benefiting humanity as a result of our brave sacrifice? What have we done to make you hate us so?
Petunia drawled, we'll have one soon enough. I expect Vernon's drill company to make millions before the year is out, you know.
Er, yes, of course. Um, how is Vernon? Lily tried, successful when Petunia began babbling about their new house on Privet-something. James was glaring with enough strength to bore through a brick wall by the time her tirade was nearing its end.
...so they're going to cut us a deal on kitchen appliances, naturally. Normally, they'd charge us a large sum, but - oh wait, I don't suppose you people have any concept of normalcy, do you? It's a wonder you have a VCR; such a shame that technology goes to waste on a group of freaks...
Lily laughed nervously, but she was the only one who did so. James stood up abruptly, and for a wild moment Peter thought he would attack Petunia.
he yelled, and Peter thought this to be an unwise move, seeing as though they were all trying to be as polite as possible and that Sirius was not one to mince his words. Nevertheless, he was an effective buffer zone, and greatly enhanced the group's coping mechanism due to his impulsive, shameless, occasionally tactless and no-holds-barred personality.
That was the human Sirius, in any case. His canine form was just as likely to bite someone's hand off if provoked. Thankfully, Sirius entered the room as a person, not as a dog.
There was a short silence, the calm before the storm.
I hate you, Sirius informed Petunia suddenly, looking her in the eye with great dignity. I hate you, and I want you to leave.
Petunia reddened, clearly not having expected that sort of thing right away. Peter found himself smiling despite himself, and saw that James and Remus had had the same reaction. Lily remained nervous, but Peter thought he saw the beginning of a grin start on her lips.
Petunia sputtered, I see you haven't learned any manners since the last time we met.
I simply don't waste pleasantries on the unpleasant, Petunia darling, he quipped, striding towards her in a most stately manner. He stopped his advance the second Petunia pulled back her feet, which occurred when he was about a foot away. He hadn't had to use it very often since they had graduated, but the ability to effectively intimidate was a skill that Sirius had not yet forgotten.
Why don't we start the movies now? Remus suggested softly once Sirius had settled himself between the werewolf and Peter on the couch.
I was being entertained just fine, actually, James smirked, winking at Sirius, who inclined his head majestically in response. Lily gave them both a look, but her mood was greatly improved. Petunia remained silent, avoiding looking towards the space Sirius occupied. But if we must, we must. We wouldn't want to miss out on the wonderful movies I've selected, would we?
The feeling of impending doom returned, but Peter suppressed it, having no small amount of blind faith in James. Sirius rubbed his hands together gleefully.
Excellent! I shall ready my mocking comments, he declared, and no one dared to counsel him against this. He was the hero of the hour, after all, having overcome his fear in favour of the common good.
A Housewife's Tale of Seduction' was selected and fed into the VCR, to a background of anticipatory silence.
Lily knew the moment the opening credits came on that something was amiss, particularly since the beginning of the movie consisted of a title graphic and two naked people looking at each other hungrily.
James, what section did yo-
And so, for a good 10 minutes there was absolute silence, save for the sounds of the movie. Lily had her head in her hands. Peter looked confused. Remus was forever scarred. James stared at the screen disbelievingly. Petunia's eyes were wide, her long face completely white. Sirius, however, was completely poker-faced.
Finally, after the heroine had shouted Ooh babay! for the umpteenth time, Lily decided enough was enough. She walked up to the VCR and stopped and ejected the movie. All at once, everyone began to talk.
James, this is a porno. Why have you rented a porno? Why?
I knew something was wrong! James, your innate sense of judgment officially sucks! ...and to think we could've rented Casablanca...
There are no words to express the full extent of my horror at this moment.
What on earth is wrong with you people?! Don't even freaks have their limits?!!
But I thought it was a vignette, a slice of life! I thought it was some kind of chick flick! It wasn't that obvious...was it? ... I should be shot...
What was that movie about?
Everyone stopped talking abruptly and stared at Sirius, who looked puzzled.
I mean, it looked like some sort of surgery! I couldn't tell what the hell was going on, what with the close-ups, and the throb-y music, and the lame dialogue, what's with that... You'd think they were having sex, or something!
There was a unanimous decision to leave that one alone.
(Privately, though, James thought Sirius had a point.)
I am leaving now, and I'm never coming back, Petunia announced, flouncing out of the house. Sirius hailed her exit with a choice finger.
Peter looked at James, something like triumph on his face.
Prongs, I don't think you'll be doing that again in a hurry, eh? he teased. James grinned, always able to laugh at himself. Lily answered for him, finding the situation less than comical.
No, I think James is officially banned from selecting any movies in the future. Yes, that sounds appropriate, don't you think, honey?
I completely, utterly agree, James concurred enthusiastically, not caring that his wife currently thought him to be incredibly thick. Remus let out a long breath.
I think we should just call it a night, the werewolf recommended, to everyone's laughing approval. Thanks for the memories, James. And Peter, I apologize - James is more inept than you by far.
Yeah, I came to that conclusion a few minutes ago, Peter snorted, as they made their way towards the front door. Remus pulled on his coat, gave one last chuckle and apparated away, Peter following suit a few goodbyes later.
Well, Siri? You off, too? James asked his best friend, who was stepping into his shoes.
No, I'm gonna rent us some movies! Sirius kidded, smiling at the married couple. Yeah, I think I'll be heading out - I'm giving D.B. a tune up in the morning.
Thanks for everything, Sirius, Lily said, handing him his leather coat. Sirius blinked, cocking his head to the side slightly. For, you know, helping me with Petunia... I don't think that's the right word, but whatever. Sirius smirked devilishly before replying.
Oh, anytime, absolutely! I rather enjoyed myself, surprisingly... Well, see you two later, he declared, stepping outside. Sirius was halfway across the lawn when he turned around, sniggering. And Prongs? Just some advice - Passion Beneath the Bomb Shelter' is loads better than that Julia Valentine one. Never could stand her...
James, sensing his sanity leaving him, was quick to shut the door.
*end flashback*
The familiar end theme of The Godfather drifted through the family room as the credits began to roll. James turned to Remus first, curious as to his reaction.
So, Moony? What'd you think?
I'm thinking that that was the most disturbingly excellent movie I've ever seen, Remus answered. Lily smirked, cutting into the conversation.
And how many movies have you seen, Remus? Remus flushed slightly before replying.
Less than five, probably... But I'm still entitled to my opinion, he protested, as Lily laughed, shaking her head.
Of course you are, and I agree with you completely - it's a brilliant film.
As well as disturbing, as Remus pointed out, James said, shuddering a bit. I'm rethinking our decision to appoint a godfather at all, Lil...
Oh, come on! Lily snickered, swatting her husband playfully on the arm. I hardly think Sirius will turn into Michael Corleone overnight!
Maybe not overnight, James intoned darkly, but you never know what Sirius would do if he were provoked...
He's been provoked before and nothing bad came of it, Lily argued. Remus, however, gave a derisive laugh.
Am I the only one that remembers the Whomping Willow incident? he uttered sarcastically. And let's not forget his raring impulsiveness...
As well as the fact that nothing he does is governed by common sense, James added thoughtfully. Heaven forbid Sirius should think before he acts!
Remus nodded, running a hand through his hair. Not to say his heart's not in the right place - if anything, he's an over-protective suck of a man, but one of these days...
Are you fretful over our dear Padfoot, Moony? James asked in a simpering tone that caused Remus to frown. Don't bother worrying over him - it'll only give you wrinkles. Trust me.
Are you two aware that this entire conversation was spawned over the fact that you two think that Sirius is a budding Michael Corleone? Lily erupted, throwing up her arms in exaggerated defeat. Fine, Sirius will become Michael Corleone, happy? Now we all have the same opinion!
The two pranksters stared bug-eyed at her for a second, taken aback by her sudden rage.
And I'm not done! I refuse to watch any more movies with you two, as I am now of the opinion that they rot minds! I now have a new, constructive hobby, she continued, oblivious to the wary looks James and Remus were giving her. From this day forth, my time will not be spent worshiping the VCR, but rather, in the pursuit of knowledge! I, Lily Potter, will learn every major language in the world!!
Not bothering to wait for their response, she marched out of the room.
Remus breathed.
Yeah, wow. I'll never get used to that, I swear, James lamented as they stared at the static-filled television screen. And what's she talking about, movies rot minds'? I hardly consider myself to be in a state of decay...
I'm going to rent another one, Remus announced suddenly. James blinked at the non-sequitur. Something happy, this time.
Moony, it's past midnight, the store's probably closed, and obsession isn't healthy, James admonished. Maybe movies do rot minds...
Remus stared at him blankly, and James was sure that his lycanthropic friend had lost it. Happily, Remus' answer was perfectly normal.
Dear God, you're right! I am becoming obsessed! For a second there, I was thinking of breaking into the store and stealing a movie... he revealed, horrified with himself.
First of all, Moony, I'm not God, James replied. Secondly, you're just the obsessive, neurotic type, so don't be too shocked. Thirdly, you've done worse things than breaking into a store. Or was that me and Sirius...
Remus interjected forcefully. His face was a little pale at the thought of all the potentially illegal things that James and Sirius had done when he had not been there to stop them. (But then again, he thought pragmatically, it's not like anyone listens to the werewolf anyways. The nightmares I'm going to have...) Can I sleep here tonight?
Go right ahead - Sirius is in the guest room, but I can transfigure the couch into a bed if you'd like...
No, thanks, I'll do that myself, Remus answered quickly, as James tended to get over-zealous with his displays of transfiguration. James shrugged.
Goodnight then, Moony.
the werewolf repeated, as James left the room and began to turn the lights off. Soon, the house was dark and silent, leaving Remus alone with his thoughts, which, as Sirius had often said, was never a good thing.
Remus' last conscious thought before falling asleep was this: Damn it all, I still want my happy movie!
* * *
Wow. This chapter is a monster, weighing in at 30 pages and 6630 words. But then again, it also took me over 2 weeks to write it... There's a story behind that.
The story is this:
This chapter refused to be written for an entire week. Even when it cooperated, it would only do so for a few paragraphs. This was beginning to piss me off, as I wanted to get it posted ASAP.
That failed spectacularly.
I then set myself a deadline, the 17th. So, on the 16th, I allotted myself SEVEN HOURS worth of writing time, from 3pm to 10pm. Did I use this time?
Hell no.
What happened was that I started writing at around 6pm and proceeded to live off cookie dough and Kool Aid for the next five and a half hours. No joke. By the time 11:30 had rolled around, I had written around 14 pages (approximately 2685 words). I have only this to say about that experience:
NEVER AGAIN.
And to think, I wasn't even done the chapter. I wrote an additional 5 pages on the 17th, still desperate to make my self-imposed deadline.
The one good thing is that I have the happy tendency to edit as I go, which saved me a lot of grief, especially when you're so tired you think away' and what you type is ahead'.
I repeat, NEVER AGAIN.
But, like my beta says, that's why I'm a writer and she's, you know, not.
And that is my story. Just so you know.
NOTE: If my updates ever become two-week affairs again, then you know why. I'd love to update often. Really. But my chapters keep growing in size, my obsessiveness with literary perfection isn't letting up, and Real Life remains a bitch.
Of course, huge chapter size probably doesn't bother any readers, now does it? Lucky buggers... ^_^ Just think of it as compensation for the fact that my updates are not as fast as some (although it is my own personal opinion that if an author updates once a month with a behemoth, kickass chappie, that's good enough).
My top updating speed (barring supernatural writing/editing abilities) will be once a week. Maybe more once school starts.
And yes, this long author's note was a present to myself for being so damn awesome. Wisha!
Reviews:
Edward: Hey, any review's a good review! Thanx!
sailoranime: Yay, you came back! You are officially the first person to review both chapters (other than my stupid friends, who don't count), and as such, my favourite person today. Thanks again for the kind words - I'm very fond of the robbery scene, myself. And as for James and Lily needing diapers... Well, you'll find out later. Much later (try, chapter 11). Let's just say that it involves drywall.
Faber Wolffe: Yes, it is up to the imagination as to whether James and Sirius were playing dumb or not... I'm not telling! I'm so glad people like my portrayal of Sirius, because my mom kept whining that he was too arrogant and un-canonlike. (I showed her this review, though, and she shut up!) Is he more devil-may-care? I thought he was typical MWPP Sirius - that's great that you think he's unique! Thanks ever so much!
Alexandrea-Riddle: As I've said before, you never really took the privilege seeing as though you ran off to Mississippi. No more Suzy for you! ^_^
SilverWolf: Aw, you're vocabulary is fine, as long as it's flattering! I love you, too.
Viridian Magpie: *is in shock* Someone...understood...my pain! You say you've never learnt French, but if you can recognize the idiocy of moi amour toi you're hella better than half the people in my French immersion class, and we've been learning it since we were 5! You have reaffirmed my belief that not all people are idiots when it comes to languages. Thank you! Sirius was sick because Mrs. Wallace sneezed on him in Chapter 1, remember? Don't worry about looking dumb - I tend to forget to make things obvious and just assume that people understand. My bad! I don't think Sirius is that arrogant, either, but since this is a humour fic, I figure a little OOC never hurt anyone, right? :)
_eep: Ah, Sirius - how could one not love him? For notes on updating speed, read the author's notes/rant above. I do apologize, and hope you're still reading this despite my lethargy! Thank you!
echo2: YES! My characters are not whack-jobs! Excellent - that comment means a lot to me, because I keep feeling that I'm portraying them wrongly... Thanks for helping my confidence!
HUGE thanks to the whole smackload of people who added me to their favorites' list! It makes me feel like a very special author, let me tell you!
Oh, and I have a Reader's Poll for you guys: I have written a bunch of song parodies. Would you rather they appear here in SaaD as bonus chapters, or as separate posts? Or does nobody care either way?
One last thing: Is there anybody out there willing to get me a Livejournal account??? I'd love you forever... I'd maybe even do a gift fic for whoever is kind enough to do this...*hint hint*
NEXT TIME: Will Remus see his happy movie? Will James get a yacht? Will Peter wear an apron? Will praying mantises TAKE OVER THE WORLD? ... Only if you leave a nice review.