Disclaimer: The SARS virus went to the meeting on Saturday, in an unexpected show of viral altruism. Buddha left the meeting as soon as he spotted the SARS virus sitting next to me - I suspect they're having a bit of a spat - so the Harry Potter ownership deal is delayed until further notice. Or until the divine and the diseased reconcile.
RANDOM EVENT OF THE CHAPTER:
The author cannot apologize enough for the delay. She can only beg for forgiveness, and hope her wonderful, fabulous readers understand that her life has been stupidly busy in the last few months.
She will now hang her head in shame.
SPOILERS: For Sirius' family, I suppose. If it's news to you that Sirius' mum was, er, alternately friendly, then this chapter will probably shock you horribly.
* * *
CHAPTER 5: I Feel (Alternately) Fine
Sirius, for the love of Quidditch, it's nothing some conditioner won't fix-
NO! NO! IT'S RUINED! RUINED!!!!
How can you be so sick, and yet so loud?
RUI- it's a gift.
And then Sirius threw up, missing James' socks entirely this time. The stag Animagus glared at his best friend, more than a little peeved, while Harry silently observed his godfather from his position in James' arms.
Sirius, the more you yell and thrash about, the more nauseous you're gonna get, he explained curtly. Sirius, in return, gave James the best dirty look he could muster while vomiting into a bucket. Oh, go ahead - give me the evil eye all you want. It's not going to change the fact that you brought this upon yourself.
Excuse me, but I don't quite recall asking to come down with some godforsaken disease, James, Sirius replied acridly as soon as his head was out of the bucket.
True, but by going into hysterics over your bloody hair, you're only making it worse.
No, YOU'RE only making it worse, argued Sirius, who was possibly being even more stubborn than usual. James squeezed his eyes shut in frustration while Sirius threw up again.
Padfoot, just stop talking and maybe you won't lose your lunch, and dinner, every ten seconds. Prat, he added, just for good measure.
I'm suffering, here! Show me a little sympathy! moaned the canine Animagus, face turning a lurid green hue. Contrary to appearances, this isn't exactly fun!
Nobody ever said it looks like fun, Siri, pacified James indulgently, ignoring Sirius' baleful look. Although, if you asked Harry, I'm sure he'd tell you it's the most interesting thing he's seen all day. Sirius rolled his eyes, grinning a little.
No, he's probably sizing me up as competition for who's the best projectile vomiter, he joked feebly. No worries there, Harry - s'long as I've got a bucket by my side, no lunch of mine will travel more than a couple of inches.
Then a bucket you shall always have, James decreed magnanimously, absolutely serious. We can't have you attempting the sprint to the loo every time you get a bit queasy, now can we.
James, if you're even going to start complaining about the white decor... Sirius stated warningly, but it had no effect.
I mean, I don't know what Lily was thinking! White hallways, white bathroom... It's unnatural, that's what it is. I feel like I live in a mental institution - which is where I'll probably end up if she decides the bedrooms need the sterile treatment... And I'm not even going to talk about the profound psychological repercussions this'll have on Harry - hell, Lily'll probably make him and me wear plastic socks whenever we're upstairs! I bet she'd disown me if I so much as rubbed the carpet the wrong way. And just last week, I made a tiny smudge on a bathroom drawer, and she goes all apocalyptic on me! It's enough to make a guy renounce personal hygiene altogether. I suppose Remus approves, although if it were up to Mr. Clean Freak, he'd have the entire house covered in plastic wrap. Mind you, that'd be good prank fodder, don'tcha think, Padfoot? ... Padfoot?
James, over the course of that rant, I threw up three times.
What's that supposed to mean? James replied with great indignity, but Sirius refused to answer. And stop all your damn griping - it could be worse.
How so? The only thing worse than this would be if I had to go through it as a dog, reflected Sirius. James gave him a confused look, which made him bear acute resemblance to a deer stuck in the headlights. Not too swift today, are we, Jiminypookins? Dogs eat their vomit, duh.
Gross! Wait, you just called me Jiminypookins.
Not easily deferred, are we?
Never! Now, about this Jiminypookins' -
But James didn't get a chance to finish, since Peter had just burst into the guest room, babbling hysterically and, unfortunately, incoherently.
Calm down, Peter! James exclaimed, stricken. Peter took several large gulps of air, and Sirius rather thought he was hyperventilating. Now, tell us slowly - what's going on?
Peter stuttered, not able to get a single word out.
Remus? What about Remus? demanded James, knowing his friend well enough to make sense of his monosyllables. Peter gave up speech altogether then, and began to gesture frantically.
Sirius muttered something that might have been: Goody, I love charades!, but it was hard to tell when one's head is in a bucket.
Okay, Remus is.. Remus is what? Jumping? Sky diving? Yodeling? James tried, clearly at a loss. Peter intensified his signaling, not ready for language just yet.
Good God, man - you suck at this! was the first thing Sirius declared once his insides were no longer wriggling. James turned around to look at him, hurt.
Oh, really? Well then be my guest, Mr. Hotshot! he intoned sarcastically, sweeping his arms in a dramatic gesture towards Peter, who redoubled his efforts, now focusing on Sirius.
OK, three words. A movie? Yes? Yes, a movie. First word - a short word. A? It? The? ... The? Smashing, a movie title that starts with the' - there's only what, fourteen billion of those around... Second word - a shape? A design? I'm close? A colour? Uh, black. No, huh. Thought I might try that one first, you know... OK: blue, red, purple, pink, yellow, green, oran- I passed it? Well, why didn't you stop me? Fine, whatever. Orange. Green. Yellow. It's yellow, then. Right, third wor-
Submarine! Remus is downstairs watching The Yellow Submarine'! Peter blurted out suddenly. Sirius huffed, upset that their impromptu game of charades had been aborted.
You're kidding! This is not good, James said, a bit of fear creeping into his voice. Sirius, hate to annoy and run, but...
Oh, fine. Just leave the invalid here, all alone. It's not like I care... pouted Sirius, rapidly sinking into a bad mood. He crossed his arms and stared at the wall fixedly, trying very hard not to retch.
OK, then! Don't go asphyxiating yourself, now! And no eating the contents of the bucket! directed James cheerily, heading out the door with Peter at a fast clip. Their exit was heralded by the lovely sound of Sirius vomiting once more.
So Remus is watching The Yellow Submarine'? How far in is he? James questioned Peter as they shuffled down the stairs.
Just in the opening credits, I think. I ran up as soon as I realized -
You did the right thing, Wormtail. We both know this operation is best performed in numbers, said James worriedly.
James made his way into the family room slowly and with extreme caution, trailed closely by Peter.
James ventured, startling Remus enough to cause said lycanthrope's head to swivel around at an alarming speed.
the werewolf whined loudly, pupils dilated to an unnatural size.
Remus, step away from the screen, ordered James in what he hoped was a good imitation of absolute authority. Remus whimpered rather pitifully before replying in a manner much less eloquent than usual.
he keened, glancing back and forth frenetically between the television screen and his two friends.
Come on, Moony - you know they always save Pepperland in the end, James continued, confident that he had the upper hand.
But what if they don't, Remus stated quietly, in what could only be described as a cryptic tone. What if Pepperland is occupied completely by the Blue Meanies, resulting in socioeconomic fallout and severe drops in tourism, population growth and national living standards? What if the anarchic and strict disciplinarian regime adopted by the Blue Meanies becomes the status quo in all surrounding states of power, resulting in a global occupation that would cripple civilization as we know it? What if this movement towards the archaic progresses still further into a repeat of the foul living conditions and political corruption observed in the Dark Ages?
There were two blank stares, followed by a long, questioning silence.
Well, okay, that may be true, Peter chimed in after a few minutes of absolute quiet had passed. But it's also true that this movie does bad things to your state of being, Remus. And with that amazing reasoning, Peter stepped between Remus and the telly.
This action, though simple in nature, was one with significance roughly equivalent to stepping between a female bear and her cubs.
Remus reacted with near if not equal ferocity.
Without so much as a snarl to alert Peter of his oncoming attack, the lycanthrope pounced upon him at lightning speed, teeth bared. Peter barely flinched as Remus lunged towards him, uttering instead words more powerful than Avada Kedavra.
Remus, I think John Lennon's glasses are ugly.
James gasped, while Remus looked as though he'd been punched in the gut. Peter turned around, shut off the television, ejected the tape and tossed it to James.
Now's your chance, Prongs - rid the world of the evil that is Yellow Submarine'! Peter cried, clearly caught up in the moment. James raised an eyebrow before ambling out of the room, calmly pulling the tape off the reels. He could be heard going up the stairs, yelling at Sirius as he did so.
Hey, Sirius - do you remember that spell that blows things up?
Which one?! came the best shout Sirius could muster while sick.
Peter strained his ears slightly to pick out James' response, which sounded suspiciously like: Oh, you know the one...with the flames, and the bang, and the searing heat....
Peter, I can't believe you! How can you not like John Lennon's glasses?
Abruptly, Peter realized Remus was talking to him, and no longer going for his jugular. Even more abruptly, he realized he'd have to backpedal at great speeds in order to escape the werewolf's rage.
Well, it's not that I don't like them, it's just that I don't...er...appreciate them like you do! Peter finished, knowing by the look on Remus' face that he was going down in flames.
I'll appreciate you, Remus snarled in a most threatening manner. Not only was he angry over having had Yellow Submarine taken from him, but now he had Peter's apparent sacrilege to rage over.
Peter, all former bravado having left him, fled upstairs to the questionable safety of James and Sirius.
He was horrified to note, upon entering the guest's room, that the duo still had not disposed of the deadly tape, which was lying on the floor between James and the bed.
What the bloody hell are you two gits waiting for, the rat Animagus shrieked, James and Sirius turning to look at him with calm interest.
Well, it's a waste if we just explode it the normal way, James stated in response. There's no fun in having it burst into flames, is there? Sirius nodded in a superior sort of way before adding:
Quite. It's so infallibly common, he drawled, aristocracy written everywhere on his features. James laughed appreciatively, but that didn't block out the sound of Remus coming up the stairs. Peter gave one last ditch effort.
Guys, Remus is after my blood! Could you two please, please destroy that tape before he - eep!
Before I what?
Remus Lupin stood in the doorway, murder in his eyes. James applauded pompously while Sirius threw up, hailing the werewolf's entrance with enthusiastic bravo's.
We're doomed, thought Peter, utterly, utterly doomed.
It was then that Sirius removed his head from the bucket, plucked his wand from where it had been sitting on the bedside table and pointed it at the tape, muttering a spell Peter hoped would demolish the damn thing.
The second Sirius finished pronouncing his spell, James grabbed a pillow and slammed it in front of his eyes. Sirius did the same thing, which Peter found to be very strange behaviour, as the two usually found great pleasure in watching their handiwork unfold. He was about to call them on this bizarre reaction, but didn't get the chance.
The room exploded with an intense white light that immediately began to do its darndest in burning out Peter's retinas. Peter squeezed his eyes shut, which had little to no effect, while Remus roared something that sounded like: My eyeballs! You've liquefied my eyeballs!
Abruptly, the light disappeared, leaving in its wake the distinct smell of burning. For a split second, Peter thought Remus' eyeballs really had been liquefied, or perhaps the burning was coming from his.
Peter blinked furiously, and was enormously relieved when the room began to come into focus again. Sirius and James had dropped their pillows and were staring at the miniature bonfire taking place on the floor, the same spot where the tape had once rested.
See, it produces the same effect in the long run, just with added flair, Sirius was explaining to an impressed-looking James. Basically, it's just your regular exploding spell, with a beefed-up Lumos charm on it as a side dish.
That's some side dish, James remarked, grinning. I could see it through the pillow, even!
Yes, well, I'm a genius, stated Sirius, as though that little fact answered everything. Remus gave his bloodshot eyes one last rub before scoffing in reply.
Menace is more like it, he growled, giving Sirius a death glare.
Ah, well, the canine Animagus said airily. I suppose society just isn't ready for me yet, eh, Prongs?
Pish posh, Mr. Lupin here is simply in awe of your talents, Padfoot! James answered gaily. Now, Wormtail. What's all this Remus is after my blood' business about?
He insulted John Lennon's glasses, Remus interrupted coolly, and Peter laughed nervously. And that is impudence.
giggled James. Sirius, meanwhile, looked thoughtful.
Didn't I have a pair of John Lennon glasses way back when? he wondered aloud, blue eyes narrowed with concentration. Remus gave him a withering look.
No, I had a pair of John Lennon glasses. You stole them from me.
That's what I mean - didn't I have a pair?
Just because you bloody stole them doesn't mean they're yours! Remus exploded, what little patience he'd had at the beginning of the conversation now at dangerously low levels. Sirius' head dove back into the bucket in response.
Well said, Peter muttered under his breath. He turned to face Remus, figuring now was a good time to apologize, since the werewolf's rage had been deflected by Sirius. Look, Moony, I said it so James could get Yellow Submarine' away from you. That movie unbalances you - I did it out of friendly concern for your well-being.
Just because that movie speaks to me on levels you couldn't possibly conceive of doesn't mean it's a negative influence! Now give it back! demanded Remus heatedly. He was met with a thick silence (Sirius had stopped emptying his stomach).
Er, Remus? James began tentatively. Remember the big, blinding light just a few minutes ago?
Oh, yes, the one that nearly incinerated my eyes, that does ring a bell, the lycanthrope acknowledged sarcastically. What about it?
Well, let's just say that I didn't do that just for kicks, Sirius elaborated carefully. He paused, considering his words for a moment. OK, I did it partially for kicks, but there was a point to it!
Remus contemplated his three friends quietly, not liking the way this was going.
And this point you speak of, what was it, pray tell?
Sirius and James exchanged uncomfortable looks, while Peter inspected his shoes, feeling guilty by association.
The point was to blow Yellow Submarine' to Kingdom Come, Sirius sighed, tossing a defeated hand up in the air briefly. Sorry, and all that.
If the previous silence had been long and uneasy, it was nothing like the one that followed Sirius' statement. When it ended, a forcedly calm Remus spoke to each of his friends in turn, as though sentencing them.
Peter, your involvement with this was limited but crucial. I forgive you, but don't expect a lovely Christmas present. James, it hurts me that you would plot the destruction of one of my most cherished items so lightly. I will eventually forgive you, but in the meantime, our interactions will be a delicate and painful affair. But only for you, for I will find your discomfort to be amusing. Sirius, Remus continued, stopping shortly in order to take a deep breath. Sirius, there are no words. I shall not speak to you, look at you or acknowledge your existence from this moment onwards, unless it is to mock you. There is to be no forgiveness.
yelped Sirius. But you forgave me after the whole Whomping Willow incident, and that was way wor -
NO FORGIVENESS ABSOLUTELY, I SAY!!!
Remus stormed from the room, no doubt off to procure some chocolate for himself. Peter let out the breath he hadn't known he'd been holding, and James visibly relaxed. Sirius stared at the space where Remus had stood, horrified.
Well, my life officially sucks, he deadpanned.
At least you're throwing up less, James offered in a would-be optimistic tone of voice. He'll forgive you eventually, you know that.
Yeah, but think of all the chocolate I'll have to buy him, Sirius groaned, mentally kissing the tune-up job he'd been planning to give D.B. goodbye. Peter gave him a sympathetic smile.
Maybe we can all get him something together. I mean, face it - we're all in the doghouse, the short man sniggered.
Some more literally than others, a smirking James added. Sirius observed them both calmly, feeling his lunch move up his esophagus before saying:
Hey, guys, c'mere for a sec...
*1972 - Second Year*
Sirius eyed Platform 9 and 3/4's large clock with a mounting sense of dread. Ten minutes remained until the train left - ten minutes during which he had to avoid his friends at any and all costs. Or, depending on his luck, ten minutes to keep his mother and younger brother otherwise occupied.
Stop fidgetting, you little idiot, Mrs. Black snapped, nearly vexed beyond all endurance with her eldest. When Sirius all but ignored her, she clamped a finely-manicured hand on his shoulder, gripping hard enough to leave a significant bruise. I think you've embarassed me quite enough already, don't you?
Unable to wrench himself free, Sirius contented himself by glaring at the passers-by, many of whom regarded Sirius and his mother with mild reproach.
What, thought Sirius heatedly, never seen evil incarnate before?
Sirius briefly entertained the thought of throwing himself in the path of the Hogwarts Express, screaming something about the horror, the horror. He decided that he might have to try that sometime, once he figured out how to simultaneously dodge and embark on a moving train.
Sirius, why is that boy waving at us? Regulus asked, interrupting Sirius' pleasant fantasy. Sirius stared at his younger sibling with a certain degree of surprise - Regulus had not said more than a monosyllable to him the entire summer, after all. His surprise quickly turned to mild panic when Mrs. Black looked up in the direction Regulus was pointing to, releasing Sirius' shoulder as she did so.
Oi, Sirius! Come over here, mate!
Sirius knew the smart thing to do would be to not look up, to just pretend he didn't know exactly who with the messy black hair and spectacles was waving at him so enthusiastically not 30 feet from where the Black family stood. Unfortunately, Sirius lived not by reason but by his emotions, which were of the firm opinion that self-preservation was extremely overrated. Besides, making a scene was his raison d'être.
Who is that, exactly, Mrs. Black intoned coldly, narrowing her eyes as James Potter came closer into view. Don't tell me someone like you made friends...
Yes, actually, I have, Sirius replied sardonically, adrenaline beginning to course through his veins. And to think, I didn't have to bribe or threaten anyone to do it! You might want to try it sometime, Mother - it's much more economical, not to mention less illegal.
Regulus inhaled sharply and excused himself to a restroom, sensing confrontation and knowing out of experience that getting far, far away was the best course of action. Sirius hoped his brother realized that it was his own damn fault for pointing out James in the first place, the miserable berk.
You filthy, worthless, disappointment of a son! How dare you, Mrs. Black began, her voice beginning to carry across the platform, causing some heads to turn and stare. Sirius' ears blocked her out instinctively as her tirade progressed, crescendoing rather spectacularly.
Temper, temper Mother, he interrupted, simpering in a damn good imitation of his cousin Bellatrix, You mustn't embarass yourself! And with that, Sirius grabbed his trolley and forged through the crowd at a fast jog, despite knowing that his mother would never dream of following him and causing a scene.
His blue eyes found the clock again, which held much more encouraging news this time. Less than five minutes were left until the Hogwarts Express left the station, and Sirius would not have to see his family again for ten months (assuming no one requested his presence at Christmas, which Sirius somehow did not find very likely).
Sirius, are you deaf?! Over here! Sirius' ears all but pricked up at the sound of James' voice, and he followed the sound to where his friend stood.
James huffed, once Sirius had parked his trolley next to James'. I thought you were ignoring me... Was that your mum you were standing with?
Sirius nodded, inwardly pledging to regale James with the story of his great escape at some later date.
And your brother too, right? James continued , looking closely at Sirius, who rolled his eyes.
Yep, that was Regulus. Mother's taken to parading him about now that I'm the disappointment of the family, Sirius stated matter-of-factly, running a hand through his hair.
James looked like he was about to say something, but was cut out by the sound of the train's whistle piercing the air. The pair boarded quickly, as James had wanted to avoid saying goodbye to his parents, a conversation he suspected would entail little more than half-hearted warnings for him to stay out of trouble.
Hey, let's see if we can hunt down Remus and Peter, suggested James eagerly, the minute they had finished loading their trunks. Sirius only grinned in response, already looking forward to seeing his other two friends again.
They began to stroll leisurely down the aisle in search of Remus and Peter, talking as though they'd never spent two months apart.
After a few minutes of search, James caught sight of Peter, who was buying enough Chocolate Frogs from the witch with the trolley to last them through the next five apocalypses. Or the remainder of the train ride, as it would turn out.
Peter, good to see you! James greeted, smiling as Peter offered him and Sirius a Chocolate Frog each. Have you seen Remus around, by any chance?
Yes, we met up on the platform, Peter supplied. He's inside looking over my Charms essay - apparently I can't differentiate between effect' and affect' to save my life.
Well, unless Remus takes to killing anyone who uses a word wrongly, I highly doubt that you'll ever find yourself in such a situation, Pete, decreed Sirius, sweeping into the compartment alongside James and Peter, only to stop dead in his tracks the second he caught sight of the pseudo-grammarian in question. James gave him an irritated shove, but Sirius remained stock-still, staring at Remus, who stared back with a somewhat unnerved expression.
James and Peter reverted to squeezing by him in order to sit down across from Remus, James elbowing Sirius with more force than was truly necessary.
You didn't get out much this summer, did you? Remus asked carefully, as though Sirius might spontaneously combust at any given second. Sirius gave no sign he had even heard his friend, too wrapped up in gawking at a now thoroughly bothered Remus. Honestly, Sirius, if I'd have known getting glasses would shellshock you like this, I would have prepared a twelve step program...
Hey, that's right! exclaimed James, who had now gotten over the thrill of seeing Sirius motionless and silent for more than two seconds. How's it feel to be a part of the spectacle-wearing populace - geeky?
James, if I were to harbour any sort of sweeping generalizations towards people who wear glasses, I would have to base it off of your behaviour. And your behaviour, if you'll forgive me for saying so, Remus coughed, hiding a smile, is somewhat abnormal, if not approaching insane.
Why, thank you!
I said approaching', not completely, mind you.
I'm a work in progress, what can I say? beamed James, not at all deterred. Unlike Sirius, who was an absolute nutter from day one. Lucky bugger, he was born wi -
John bleedin' Lennon glasses!
Er, glad to see you've decided to join us once more, Sirius, Peter tried, not altogether sure how to react. Ah, who's glass lemon is bleeding now?
John Lennon, you ninny! Sirius admonished, launching himself onto the seat next to Remus and sitting cross-legged, a rapt expression on his previously-comatose face. John Lennon glasses, wow!
Remus blinked at their sudden proximity, noting abstractedly that someone should throw the remainder of the Chocolate Frogs and all sugar-based foodstuffs out the window if they hoped to survive this.
Sirius, I don't mean to offend, but... You're in my bubble, the brown-haired preteen quietly informed. While I appreciate your enthusiasm for my, er, John Melon glasses, I really do like having personal space, an-
What did you just call them? Sirius interrupted softly, his voice deadly calm. You said John Melon', didn't you?
Well, I hardly think their proper name changes anything, Remus persisted matter-of-factly, despite having learnt very early on that being pragmatical around a logically-uninclined Sirius Black was like instructing a hippogriff on the finer points of quantum mechanics.
DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING, DOES IT?! exploded Sirius, displaying a lung capacity and volume that he could only have inherited from his mother. WELL, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I CALLED YOU ABSOLUTE BUGGER' FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?!!
But you wouldn't, frowned Remus, too accustomed to Sirius' temper to even feign shock. Because Absolute Bugger' sounds nothing like Remus Lupin'. That just doesn't make sense.
YOU - YOU- Sirius thundered, unable to find words to correctly express the deep loathing he presently felt for his close friend. Remus watched him patiently, interested in what his Sirius' mind might come up with. YOU AND YOUR DAMN SENSE-MAKING!!
James echoed, while Sirius regained his breath. Way to set a new standard for idiots everywhere, Siri.
At least I'm original with my idiocy, unlike you, Mr. Let's-Dye-Snape's-Hair-Pink-For-The-Fortieth-Time-This-Week! Sirius tossed back nastily.
James turned very red at this, muttering to his shoes that it was best to stick to the classics, anyways. Sirius gave a little huff, resettling himself a more appropriate distance from Remus and crossing his arms moodily, an act which always signalled the end of his hissy fits.
So, Remus, Peter began tentatively, how's my essay?
Not too bad, actually, answered Remus, putting the pages back into proper order. Except for your tendency to confuse affect' and effect', I say it's -
Remus was cut off by the sensation of wind near his face, and came to the very quick realization that his glasses were missing.
Sirius, you have all the subtlety of a train wreck, he sighed, not even bothering to verify that it was in fact the black-haired boy who had purloined his glasses. Now give them back.
Why should I, snorted Sirius contemptuously, fingering the spectacles appraisingly.
Because he needs them to bloody see, you prat, James snarled, coming to Remus' defense partially because he felt like being noble, and partially because Sirius was pissing him off royally.
No, he doesn't! They're just clear glass, Sirius exclaimed in a tone of voice that was positively ashamed of James for not realizing this sooner.
What? They are? At Sirius' exaggerated nodding, James turned angrily to Remus, looking at him from overtop his glasses in a very foreboding way. You don't need specs?
No shit, Sherlock, Remus snapped back, thinking that if the entire world was going to be angry at him, he might as well make a case of it. I like the look of them.
James looked scandalized that Remus would ridicule the necessity of glasses in such a brazen way, while Sirius merely appeared to be looking for a fight.
No shit, eh? Well, then, keep digging, Watson! he glared, secretly congratulating himself on finally finding an occasion upon which he could use that line. You berk, desecrating John Lennon like that!
And who the ruddy hell's John Lennon?! Remus replied heatedly, ignoring Peter's quiet call for peace. One of those hippie-freaks you're all hot for?!
YOU SHOULD KNOW, ABSOLUTE BUGGER! Sirius countered, working himself up to the levels of his previous rage. I CAN SEE YOUR BELLBOTTOMS HIDING UNDER YOUR ROBES!!!
There was simultaneous movement to look at the base of Remus' robes.
Are those sandals? James questioned interestedly. Peter leaned forward to get a closer view.
Toe rings, too, he noted astutely, observing Remus with intense scrutiny. Hey, a beaded necklace! And is that incense I smell?
ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT! cried Remus, leaping up from his seat and removing his robes in what an outside observer would have thought to be a very bizarre striptease. I'M A PART-TIME HIPPIE!! WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH THAT?!
And so he was. For under Remus' black school robes lay an outfit that epitomized hippie fashion.
Patched bellbottoms, belt with a peace sign, tie-dye shirt, beaded necklace, cork sandals, toe rings, leather-fringe vest and - Don't tell me you have oversize psychadelic rings in your pocket! James gaped, stunned by the inventory he had just taken.
And that's not all, Remus cackled, I've let my hair grow out!
He turned around, revealing a ponytail he had been hiding under his collar.
Remus, half an inch worth of ponytail can't be termed as growing your hair out', Sirius sighed, while Remus flushed.
Shut up, Sirius, the pseudo-hippie said, glaring at the floor. James snorted at Remus' hurt tone, giving Sirius an amicable look.
Aw, don't be angry, Remmy - he's only jealous of your glasses, James explained, while Sirius nodded unconcernedly.
I can't see why, Peter piped up softly, the Beatles aren't even together anymore...
SO?! THEY'RE STILL THE GREATEST BAND IN THE WHOLE DAM-
Shut up, Sirius, Remus repeated, in what was to be, along with You thought what would be a good idea?!', keywords for all conversations he would have with Sirius in the years to come. Remus made a half-hearted swipe for his stolen glasses, and failed. You're not going to give me my glasses back, are you?
I'm just borrowing them indefinitely.
But isn't that the same thing as stealing?
Are you calling me a thie-
Sirius, how do you even know about the Beatles? James questioned suddenly, hoping to change the subject before Sirius found new cause to get angry. Doesn't your mum have, uh, issues with Muggle stuff?
Oh, she has issues with Muggle stuff, all right - why do you think I have and know so much about it? Sirius laughed tightly. But life goes on.
I suppose you're just letting it be, right? Remus asked innocuously, picking up Peter's essay once more. James and Peter blinked, but Sirius only grinned.
Yeah, with a little help from my friends.
*end flashback*
I can't believe he tried to throw up on us! What sort of a friend does that?! one very irate James Potter shouted, thundering down the stairs after Peter.
A sick one? volunteered the blond, making his way into the kitchen.
James ignored him, continuing what sounded like a very promising compilation of all of Sirius' lesser qualities. (Which, according to the stag Animagus, was including and not limited to having the habit of belting out Led Zeppelin's Black Dog at the most inopportune moments.)
Ah, more aspiring members of the Sirius Black Has Ruined My Life' club, Remus crowed from his position atop the kitchen counter. The werewolf was eating one of James' emergency Toblerone bars, looking ready to go on a binge at the slightest provocation. He waggled the chocolate at James, a lopsided grin on his face. And what horror has he bestowed upon you, my good man?
He tried to spew on me, answered James, joining Remus on the countertop and taking a piece of Toblerone. I had to use the bucket as a shield.
That bucket? Remus asked, pointing to the (clean) bucket James was holding.
Yeah, that's the one. Handy things, self-Scourgifying buckets. Lily found the spell in a housekeeper's magazine a while ba - damn.
With that ambiguous cursing, James bolted for the stairs, which he took three at a time. Remus and Peter looked at each other for a long moment, before it clicked and everything fell into place.
The place in question being the white bathroom and hallway so coveted by one Lily Potter.
Lily Potter, who happened to not need much incentive when it came to hexing those who disturbed the pristine qualities of said bathroom and hallway.
It was not too much to assume that Lily would indeed count the event of Sirius throwing up all over the hallway and/or bathroom as disturbing the latter's pristine qualities.
Peter and Remus turned their gaze to the ceiling, where the sounds of James pounding up the stairs resonated.
The bespectacled man reached the landing in record time, only to find it fully and completely empty and silent. James took this as a very bad sign, as there was no surer omen of impending catastrophe than absolute calm wherever Sirius was concerned.
So when Sirius came bursting out of the guest room, face a vivid green, cheeks bulging, hands clamped over his mouth and eyes wide with panic, James could never claim he had been surprised. Horrified beyond all reason, maybe. But far from surprised.
Sirius wasted no time in stumbling towards the painfully white bathroom nearby. But despite the sick prankster's best hobbling, it became clear very quickly that he would not make it.
There were many reasons for why James was the (usually) undisputed leader in their pack. One of them was that Sirius had insisted upon filling the part of resident daft sod. The other was that James was a very quick thinker, and had gotten them out of sticky situations more than once with his brilliant, last-minute plans.
What he yelled at Sirius to do at that moment was not one of these plans.
SIRIUS, JUUUMMPPPPP!!!!
And Sirius jumped, throwing himself into the air for the final portion of his dash to the loo. For a glorious moment, he was airborn, sailing over the white carpet and into the bathroom with infinite fluidity.
That image was ruined the second he threw up in mid-flight, got sick all over the bathroom cupboards and crashed into those same cupboards head-first.
All Remus and Peter heard of this was: THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, THUMP, SIRIUS, JUUUMMPPPPP!!!!, BLEARGH, CRASH.
It was a unanimous decision that they find out what in the nine hells had transpired, scarring events or not.
They found James in the bathroom, beaming at Sirius as though he was the best thing to happen since Quidditch. Sirius, on the other hand, lay crumpled in a pile of his own vomit, limbs folded in rather unatural positions. Every so often he would emit sounds that might have been intended as the english language, but came out sounding more like a mixture between yiddish, sanskrit and plain old gibberish.
-and then I told Padfoot to jump, and he did, an- James bubbled excitedly, only to be interrupted in the middle of his thrilling account by Remus.
What sort of mentality would one have to possess in order to come to the conclusion that leaping into the air might somehow make the situation better?! Remus winced, rubbing his temple painedly. Not to mention the mentality it would take to actually carry through with that idea...
Well, it worked, didn't it? replied James, still positively giddy with joy. Look, no throw up on the carpet whatsoever! It's all on the cupboard door and the tile floor!
Remus blinked, vaguely impressed.
Brilliant, that won't leave any marks behind! Peter grinned, affording Sirius a reverent look which the latter completely missed due to his being dazed and confused. Lily will never know!
Damn right, she won't! Way to go, Siri! You're the best person in the world!
James looked like he wanted to praise Sirius' glowing heroism further, but the sound of the front door opening killed all potential conversation.
Upstairs, several panicked looks were exchanged, and the three wizards set about positioning themselves in front of the now-familiar sight of a prone Sirius and the less-than immaculate bathroom.
James, hurry! Do a cleaning spell! Remus hissed, just as the top of Lily's head came into view coming up the stairs. James shut his eyes and flicked his wand over his shoulder, hoping it had some positive effect.
What's up, guys? the redhead smiled, oblivious to the terror that was practically permeating the house. Or should I say, que tal?
* * *
Well, I really hope this chapter satisfied you guys, considering you've been waiting for it for... how many months? Ack, not counting.
ON UPDATES:
I expect to be able to write a fair bit in the weeks to come, as I'm on my winter break. So I'll try to get chapter 6 out faster, but I make no promises - my Biology 12 provincial exam is coming up, and it counts for 40% of my mark, so that's kind of my priority...
I noticed that a bunch of readers took the lack of updates as a sign I had abandoned SaaD. DO NOT WORRY. I will finish SaaD, guaranteed. It may take over a year, but it's becoming a point of pride that I finish it. So, barring my death, SaaD will be completed in all its 26 chapter glory. Promise.
Besides, my livejournal (www.livejournal.com/~super_drive) gives progress reports of SaaD fairly often, so I can't encourage you enough to take a look if you're really stressing.
I'm also more than willing to send notification emails for whenever I update. If you want to be emailed when a new chapter is added, then just leave you email in your review.
THE BATHROOM SCENE:
And now I shall regale you all with the inside story on the white bathroom scene, which I'm sure will have scarred some of you. It scarred me, too, when my friend Heather told it to me.
That's right. It's a true story. It happened to Heather's uncle when he was younger in pretty much the exact same way I describe it in the story (sans James, though). So I guess truth really is stranger than fiction..or funnier, in any case. Thanks to the Wallace family for letting me share that little gem with the world!
READER QUESTION:
How was Mrs. Black? I had issues not making her a devil-witch, so please tell me how I did. Bellatrix is coming up soon (I actually had her in this chapter, but cut it out for continuity reasons), so I want to see if I can do the whole family from hell thing reasonably.
AWARDS:
I would like to take a moment to everyone who voted for SaaD in the HPFA! As I reported in my profile, SaaD took home the Best James Potter Era Story (In Progress) award, which had me ecstatic for a good hour. I love this fandom, I tell you!
On a similar note, the winter HPFA awards are happening right now, so do the nice thing and nominate an author - we love the recognition!
Reviews:
Radioactive Granny: David Bowie and James Bond, huh. I never thought of it that way before... interesting! The best Sirius you've ever seen? Really? *sniffle* Thank you! The lunch break thing, because that's exactly what my friends and I do - I'm flattered and more than a little shocked that my little fic is getting the lunch break treatment from others! Oh, and the Beatles ended up not being the focal point after all, Ms. Bowie.
Cristin: My writing gives people headaches?? Wow. That's news! And don't die - the updates will come, honestly! Thanks for the reliable reviewing!
Shifty Eyed Moogle: Yes, I do have a life, but that really doesn't excuse not updating for however many months it was. Thank you for not hurting me, as I'm very feeble. Grammar and spelling have always come pretty easily to me, and I always make a point of having the least amount of errors as possible; glad you appreciate it! As for profanity, well, I've had to make more of an effort with that, as my rage at my own life tends to find its way into each chapter... Ah, well. Thanks for the glowing review!
ltnikki: P.M. is wonderful, yes he/she/it is. Thanks for offering to beta - you're too kind. I'll remember the offer!
Sarah-Anna: Glad to see Flower Power lives on in amazons everywhere - your enthusiasm is much appreciated!
sailoranime: Oh, Sirius' death depresses me too, but making fun of it helps ever so much! The spelling of mantid' actually isn't a mistake, although it certainly looks like one. Mantid' is the common name for the family Mantidae to which praying mantises belong (like Feline for cats). I did research! (Although I did screw up on their life cycles..oh, well. They're magical, damnit.) You can interpret Peter's job however you want to - it seemed like a profound thing to write at the time. It's not going to become a plot point or anything, but yeah, I guess I kind of intended it to mean Peter's spying for Voldie. My, you certainly pay close attention, don't you! Thanx!
Rainsong: Now there's an accomplishment for me! Thank you, darling. Now finish AtO (just kidding).
Tirya King: Yay, a celebrity reviewer! I love your stuff, and I can hardly believe you love mine! I'm still not quite confident with my characterizations, so thank you! Hard Day's Night' scares me - perhaps that'll find its way into an upcoming chapter. Thanks so very much for reviewing!
_eep: P.M. was a big hit with everybody, it seems! Thanks for your patience. Alleviating boredom is my forte! Thank you!
sirius the homicidal maniac: Sorry for disrupting your sleeping patterns - I have a tendency to do that. Yes, the P.M. thing does hit you out of the blue, doesn't it? Hope you weren't too shocked! Thanks for reviewing, and do try to sleep - listen to some Beatles ballads. They usually help.
Viridian Magpie: Ooh, aren't we knowledgeable! Thank you muchly, especially for finding the error. I am so blind...
Jeni: Great, the flashback aren't stupid or out of place like I thought they'd be! I aim to please, and thanks for the flattery!
NEXT TIME: Sirius isn't the only dog in town anymore when James gets a new pet, and the gang finds out that Sirius is, in fact, the jealous type. Just their luck (or lack thereof).