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I did this for Marlene.
I repeated these words over and over in my head, and probably out loud a few times as well. I did this for Marlene. Think about her, the sweet little girl with dark brown hair and big eyes, clutching onto a flower that told her stories. I imagined her running around in a grassy field, surrounded by trees, without a building in sight. It was a nice thought. The problem was that I had never been out of Midgar, my ideas of what a grassy meadow would look like were somewhat varied.
But that didn't matter. I daydreamed. Marlene might have been what I was like as a child. Pure, innocent, and nature loving. I imagined her reading books and drawing pictures and asking questions. I imagined her wanting to travel the world, just like her mother wanted, and explore. I imagined her searching for the Promised Land and having an adventure... yes, it seemed to suit her very well.
Maybe it was nonsense, though. I didn't know Marlene well, even if I had felt like I did for a few brief moments. But I had to justify my reason in my mind. I had to leave reality. Reality scared me.
I was laying awkwardly on a hard cot. Everything in the cell was cold and dead. The colours were dull, the air was cold and even stuffy. My wrists hurt from where handcuffs had cut into them, my head hurt from something that they had injected into my arm. I had been up all night, but I couldn't sleep.
When we had arrived at the ShinRa building, Tseng ordered the first floor to be evacuated. No low ranking ShinRa worker was allowed to know of my existance. We rode an elevator up, where every second seemed like hours. Tseng had spoken to me.
"Don't try anything, Aeris, or I'll-"
"You'll what?" I had snapped back. "Kill my mom? Kill that little girl? Kill everyone in Midgar? I wouldn't put anything past you."
I knew that that would make him angry. He was, but he chose to evade. "Ah, lighten up. I'm sure that Hojo will give you a very warm welcome."
The rage burned into my cheeks. "My mother is dead because of him. It's because of him that there's people like you."
I wasn't sure if what I had meant had thoroughly been translated to words, but as always, Tseng understood. And I had the pleasure of seeing him shift uncomfortably. "Mmm, so much for pleasant conversation."
"I was all for that before you became a Turk," I hissed.
Tseng wasn't one to lose a battle of words. "You were all for every man that bought a flower from you."
The spoken attack made me both furious and hurt. It was because of Zack. Tseng always hated him, and why? He never forgave us for being in love. I opened my mouth to respond, but the elevator doors opened. Tseng didn't speak to me, I didn't speak back. The fight in the elevator had distracted me from the sick feeling growing in my stomach, and now I felt wobbly all over again...
What time was it? There was no way of telling. The dim lighting the cell never changed. I wished more than anything that I could see the sky... but one didn't usually see the sky in Midgar, anyhow. In must have been gorgeous at one time, the Midgar area, reeking of rich Mako energy and swarming with life. But what is it now? Walls and dim lights. A man-lit cage. It was hard to get in and harder still to get out. It was cut off from the world, but yet to some it was the world.
Ahhh, how my head ached.
I was so tired. I wanted to sleep. Sleep would take me away from here for a few precious hours. But I couldn't sleep. My eyes were red and scratchy but they refused to close. It must be very late too, or even very early, but there was no way to tell. Why couldn't I sleep?
But I knew the answer with every quivering breath I took. I had seen him. I had spent all of my life fearing him, and even now I remembered being a child, feeling violated, feeling as though he had come to close.
It had been worse for Mother though. It must have been. She used to tell me that she lived in a very beautiful place before she met Father. I can't imagine living anywhere but a dark place like Midgar and having home ripped away from you. But Hojo... he went out of his way to make Mother suffer. Even I could tell, and I had been a child. Now I wondered if he had felt to Mother and Father as Tseng had felt to Zack and I... but I never knew Father. Because of Hojo, my blood parents were dead.
I knew that he wouldn't give me the relief of death, though.
Tseng had brought me to Hojo's office at one of the top ShinRa floors. Inside perhaps half a dozen scientists worked. When we entered, the room fell silent.
And then he stood up.
"So... finally netted the runaway labrat, Tseng, have you?" Hojo was looking at me, but yet he wasn't. I felt as though I were some rare Materia, and I shuddered. "I had hoped that the Turks had the capability to do so years ago, though. Or was a little girl that hard to find?"
Tseng answered with both respect and ice. "I wasn't a Turk then, sir. As you can see, things are different now."
Hojo had to be at least fifty and he looked it, but the way he stood made him seem like a SOLDIER. He was venerable and powerful, and I don't think that anyone ever doubted it. "Report to Hedeiggar, then. I'm sure the President will be very pleased..."
Tseng glanced at me, and I couldn't tell if the look was apologetic or satisfied. Then he nodded toward Hojo and left me. I was alone...
It was all I could do to stand up straight and defiant. Because my hands were tied behind my back, I couldn't put up much of a fight. But oh, Planet, to be surrounded by ShinRa guards and those professors, to see the looks on their faces... what was all in a days work for them was my world, my life.
"We should start testing right away," one scientist suggested. "The President will want to start the Neo-Midgar project as soon as possible."
"Science can't be rushed, fool," Hojo snapped, but his eyes didn't leave me. His dark glittering eyes were so intense I took an involuntary step back. He gave a little laugh. "We'll do the preliminary testing only tonight. If the specimen is anything like her mother, I have my reasons." He finally turned away.
Specimen? He was trying to break my will, to crack my defiance just like he planned to crack the secret of the Promised Land. Specimen... No! "Don't you talk about my mother!" I cried out, standing defensively. "You didn't know the first thing about her!"
The professor ignored me the way he would ignore the hissing of a cat. "Take her away, then," he waved his hand.
But as a guard came to grab me, I pulled loose. "Do you even know my name?" I asked, emotions both angry and stung. I looked at him straight in the eyes and I refused to let him turn away.
Hojo did something then that would take a long time to forget: he laughed. "The only name you have here, my dear, is Specimen 52."
I didn't really remember what happened after that. That must have been when they injected some drug into me. But I didn't care. I was sure that it was something that I didn't want to remember.
And now I was alone, ready to believe that there was no Promised Land. Promises are fickle. I knew that all too well now.
I sat up on the cot, shivering. Blankets didn't help anyhow. I stood up and looked upward, not at the ceiling but higher, searching for some divine answer. Who am I kidding? I shook my head and sat down in a corner, hugging my knees to my chest.
And suddenly I felt sad. I had no more hatred or anger inside of me, hatred and anger take too much energy. I leaned my head on my knees wishing that Elmyra was there. Ifalna had long since been a distant figure, more like a mystical spirit that whispered to me in the church than a mother. But Elmyra.. she had given up so much to keep me. It's rare to find people like that in the slums. It's hard to find the ones who haven't been taken over by survival instinct. Maybe the "good" ones are the fools.
But I would that I could hear Ifalna and the Planet now... I closed my eyes, catching my breath, straining to listen. Silence answered. "Ugh!" Tears welled in my eyes. It was so... full of people... I didn't know how to explain it. But I couldn't hear it... What was that my mother had told me before she died?
She had been quiet that day, pensive and serene. It was a rare moment that she and I were alone together, so I snuggled up on her lap, leaning my head against her chest. Usually she was so optimistic, always telling me that one day we would get out of Midgar. She would tell me stories of the beautiful places she had been and the flowers she had seen. I never saw many flowers in the laboratory but I loved them nonetheless.
But that day she didn't say a word. I craned my neck, looking up at her. "Mother?" I asked, noticing that her eyes were closed. "Mother, wake up!"
"Mmmm..." She opened her eyes a bit, gazing down at me.
I felt that her mind was elsewhere, though. "Mother? Is the Planet talking?" I thought it might be. The phenomenon was alien to me, but sometimes she told me about it.
"It is always talking, my sweet," Ifalna stroked my hair and gave a sad, small smile. "It's more of a question of am I listening..."
"Are you?"
"I try my hardest, Aeris, but the world is so noisy. Sometimes the voice is very soft and hard to understand." I didn't know what she meant at the time, but I certainly knew now.
"Can't you ask it to talk louder?" I was trying to be helpful; I didn't like seeing my mother sad.
"Ask who, darling?" she answered gently. "The Planet has many voices, and none of them are human."
That was what she had felt. Her spirit was reaching to the Planet, only to be blocked, not by ShinRa walls but something else. I felt it now. I don't care about the Promised Land, I just want to leave the world...It wasn't fair that I would never again hear it's voice, calling, singing. It was so unfair that it couldn't be right.
What had happened? Yes. I was caught after all of these years. I was being held in the ShinRa headquarters with no hope but that of one man. I was alone and cut off.
But... I did this for Marlene. Marlene. No more would the ShinRa bother her, nor Elmyra. I was not ashamed of my sacrifice. But I wouldn't stay in this place where I was a nameless no one. I am the Last Cetra!
This isn't my fate.
I won't let it be.