"
'SIRIUS!' Harry yelled, but Lupin's grip around his chest prevented him
from reaching the dais. 'SIRIUS!'
'It's too late, Harry. He can't hear you because he's d-' Lupin's voice broke.
'HE ISN'T DEAD!' "
Remus Lupin was absently making tea at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. If anyone had seen him then they would have been surprised to find him gazing off into space, an unreadable expression on his prematurely lined face. As if on cue, Nymphadora Tonks walked into the kitchen, blearily acknowledging Lupin's presence. She was in Muggle clothes: purple pajama bottoms and an old Weird Sisters tee-shirt, but had a loose violet robe on that told Lupin she'd fallen asleep with her clothes on and had only put on Muggle clothes to come downstairs from the bedroom she shared with Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley. Lupin sighed. Harry Potter was sharing a bedroom with the youngest Weasley boy, Ron, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had a room to themselves, and the rest of the Order only came by briefly, and not to sleep. The last bedroom used to be the one Sirius had lived in, the one he'd grown up in. Lupin had shared the room with him for over a year before.Well, Lupin didn't want to think about that just yet. He wouldn't, couldn't succumb to his grief until the right time. He didn't have the luxury Harry did; he'd had to conceal his emotions all his life, and now was no exception. With another weary sigh, Lupin poured himself tea and offered some to Tonks. She accepted, a quizzical yet sympathetic look on her face. "Remus, what's wrong? You look awful," Tonks sqeezed her eyes shut and turned into a replica of Lupin. Lupin chuckled wryly. "Thank you, Nymphadora, a visual was exactly what I needed." Lupin shook his head, but when he next glanced up he noticed Tonks, back in her usual form, was still eyeing him thoughtfully. "Seriously, Rem, is there anything I can do?" Dawning suddenly showed on her face, and her expression immediately turned to grief. "Remus, y-you know we all miss him too. I mean, he was a cousin of mine, and-and we know he was like a brother to you." Lupin got up, his stomach churning unpleasantly and his fingers perched on the bridge of his nose, almost as if he were trying very hard not to cry. Either that or he was frustrated. Actually, it was a combination of both, Tonks realized. But why was he angry with her? Had she said something wrong? "Look, Nymph-Tonks, " Lupin murmured softly, as Harry came into the room. Lupin's eyes were still closed, and Harry recognized his tone of voice. It was the same voice he'd used when he'd told Harry Sirius couldn't come back, like every word was causing him physical pain. "Sirius and I, Sirius and I were more than-" He looked up and noticed Harry. His expression immediately became one of false cheeriness. "Good morning, Harry, " he said, brightly but calmly. "Fancy a cup of tea? Siri-We have Earl Grey if you like." "Yes, thanks, that would be great, "Harry said, watching Lupin curiously. "Er, Professor?" "Yes, Harry?" "What were you going to say-before, if you don't mind me asking.about you and Sirius?" "Oh, well," it was the first time Harry had ever seen Lupin flustered. "Actually, Harry, no.no I don't mind you asking. What I was, er, going to say was that Sirius Black and I were, well, we were." "Yes???" An interested Tonks prompted. "Well, we were.how do you put it? We were, er, we were lovers, Harry. Well, more like boyfriends but, that doesn't really adequately describe.well, you get the idea, I see." Lupin bemusedly looked at Sirius' cousin and his godson. Harry wore an expression of utter disbelief, but remained pensive. Tonks, on the other hand, beamed and shouted up the stairwell. "HERMIONE!!!!!!!! HERMIONE, I OWE YOU THREE GALLEONS!!!!!!!!!"
~*~*~*~**~*~* Lupin was curled up into a ball on the worn armchair in the fourth bedroom. Sirius' bedroom. He couldn't sleep very well; the armchair was barely supporting his weight and was rather cramped. But Lupin couldn't bear to sleep in the bed he had once shared with Sirius. Once. The word never had meant something so infinite to him as it did now. Truthfully, it had only been a month or so, but Lupin knew that in the blink of an eye it would be a year, a decade, a millennium. He couldn't bear the thought. Hastily he averted his eyes from the bed to the window. It was a waxing moon. Tomorrow night would be his first full moon without Sirius in three years, and Lupin tried hard not to think about how long twelve years without him had felt. Compared to the rest of his life. Lupin couldn't bear the thought. He felt so horribly alone. It was so much worse than when Sirius went to Azkaban, and Lupin thought he'd die from that. He remembered the emptiness, the hurt, the guilt.and he and Sirius had thought the other a traitor for months before that, they hadn't been together since almost a year before Lily and James died. Well, Lupin thought, that wasn't entirely true. There was the one time, the night they had died.
~~*~*~*~**~*~*~**~*~**~* "Remus! Moony, Moony, wake up!!!" Sirius' frantic voice seemed to drift from miles away. It felt good knowing he was there, knowing he wasn't alone for the time being.But then Lupin noticed the panic in his voice. He sat bolt upright. "Sirius? Wha-" Lupin stared at Sirius. His robes were torn and his face seemed frozen with a mixture of emotions. "Remus, it was Peter! I swear to god it was Peter! Moony!" "What are you talking about?!" "The traitor, Moony, it was Wormtail! You have to believe me.It's James! Voldemort k-killed him and Lily and Harry.No one knows about Harry, he couldn't have survived, could he have, I mean.Remus, listen to me, I-" But Lupin had shaken him off, horror and coldness etched into his face. "GET OUT!" He screamed. Sirius shook him, begging him.And then it was over. He was gone, but Lupin could still hear his screaming.
~*~*~*~*~*
His body wracked with sobs, Lupin got up and curled gently into the bed. Pulling up the moldy comforter, he breathed slower and slower until he'd regained his composure. A single though floated into his mind as he drifted off to sleep.`I was wrong.'
'It's too late, Harry. He can't hear you because he's d-' Lupin's voice broke.
'HE ISN'T DEAD!' "
Remus Lupin was absently making tea at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place. If anyone had seen him then they would have been surprised to find him gazing off into space, an unreadable expression on his prematurely lined face. As if on cue, Nymphadora Tonks walked into the kitchen, blearily acknowledging Lupin's presence. She was in Muggle clothes: purple pajama bottoms and an old Weird Sisters tee-shirt, but had a loose violet robe on that told Lupin she'd fallen asleep with her clothes on and had only put on Muggle clothes to come downstairs from the bedroom she shared with Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley. Lupin sighed. Harry Potter was sharing a bedroom with the youngest Weasley boy, Ron, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley had a room to themselves, and the rest of the Order only came by briefly, and not to sleep. The last bedroom used to be the one Sirius had lived in, the one he'd grown up in. Lupin had shared the room with him for over a year before.Well, Lupin didn't want to think about that just yet. He wouldn't, couldn't succumb to his grief until the right time. He didn't have the luxury Harry did; he'd had to conceal his emotions all his life, and now was no exception. With another weary sigh, Lupin poured himself tea and offered some to Tonks. She accepted, a quizzical yet sympathetic look on her face. "Remus, what's wrong? You look awful," Tonks sqeezed her eyes shut and turned into a replica of Lupin. Lupin chuckled wryly. "Thank you, Nymphadora, a visual was exactly what I needed." Lupin shook his head, but when he next glanced up he noticed Tonks, back in her usual form, was still eyeing him thoughtfully. "Seriously, Rem, is there anything I can do?" Dawning suddenly showed on her face, and her expression immediately turned to grief. "Remus, y-you know we all miss him too. I mean, he was a cousin of mine, and-and we know he was like a brother to you." Lupin got up, his stomach churning unpleasantly and his fingers perched on the bridge of his nose, almost as if he were trying very hard not to cry. Either that or he was frustrated. Actually, it was a combination of both, Tonks realized. But why was he angry with her? Had she said something wrong? "Look, Nymph-Tonks, " Lupin murmured softly, as Harry came into the room. Lupin's eyes were still closed, and Harry recognized his tone of voice. It was the same voice he'd used when he'd told Harry Sirius couldn't come back, like every word was causing him physical pain. "Sirius and I, Sirius and I were more than-" He looked up and noticed Harry. His expression immediately became one of false cheeriness. "Good morning, Harry, " he said, brightly but calmly. "Fancy a cup of tea? Siri-We have Earl Grey if you like." "Yes, thanks, that would be great, "Harry said, watching Lupin curiously. "Er, Professor?" "Yes, Harry?" "What were you going to say-before, if you don't mind me asking.about you and Sirius?" "Oh, well," it was the first time Harry had ever seen Lupin flustered. "Actually, Harry, no.no I don't mind you asking. What I was, er, going to say was that Sirius Black and I were, well, we were." "Yes???" An interested Tonks prompted. "Well, we were.how do you put it? We were, er, we were lovers, Harry. Well, more like boyfriends but, that doesn't really adequately describe.well, you get the idea, I see." Lupin bemusedly looked at Sirius' cousin and his godson. Harry wore an expression of utter disbelief, but remained pensive. Tonks, on the other hand, beamed and shouted up the stairwell. "HERMIONE!!!!!!!! HERMIONE, I OWE YOU THREE GALLEONS!!!!!!!!!"
~*~*~*~**~*~* Lupin was curled up into a ball on the worn armchair in the fourth bedroom. Sirius' bedroom. He couldn't sleep very well; the armchair was barely supporting his weight and was rather cramped. But Lupin couldn't bear to sleep in the bed he had once shared with Sirius. Once. The word never had meant something so infinite to him as it did now. Truthfully, it had only been a month or so, but Lupin knew that in the blink of an eye it would be a year, a decade, a millennium. He couldn't bear the thought. Hastily he averted his eyes from the bed to the window. It was a waxing moon. Tomorrow night would be his first full moon without Sirius in three years, and Lupin tried hard not to think about how long twelve years without him had felt. Compared to the rest of his life. Lupin couldn't bear the thought. He felt so horribly alone. It was so much worse than when Sirius went to Azkaban, and Lupin thought he'd die from that. He remembered the emptiness, the hurt, the guilt.and he and Sirius had thought the other a traitor for months before that, they hadn't been together since almost a year before Lily and James died. Well, Lupin thought, that wasn't entirely true. There was the one time, the night they had died.
~~*~*~*~**~*~*~**~*~**~* "Remus! Moony, Moony, wake up!!!" Sirius' frantic voice seemed to drift from miles away. It felt good knowing he was there, knowing he wasn't alone for the time being.But then Lupin noticed the panic in his voice. He sat bolt upright. "Sirius? Wha-" Lupin stared at Sirius. His robes were torn and his face seemed frozen with a mixture of emotions. "Remus, it was Peter! I swear to god it was Peter! Moony!" "What are you talking about?!" "The traitor, Moony, it was Wormtail! You have to believe me.It's James! Voldemort k-killed him and Lily and Harry.No one knows about Harry, he couldn't have survived, could he have, I mean.Remus, listen to me, I-" But Lupin had shaken him off, horror and coldness etched into his face. "GET OUT!" He screamed. Sirius shook him, begging him.And then it was over. He was gone, but Lupin could still hear his screaming.
~*~*~*~*~*
His body wracked with sobs, Lupin got up and curled gently into the bed. Pulling up the moldy comforter, he breathed slower and slower until he'd regained his composure. A single though floated into his mind as he drifted off to sleep.`I was wrong.'