A/N – Thanks for the latest reviews people, you're really encouraging me! In particular, thanks to those who have reviewed chapter after chapter. It's always nice to update, knowing that at least someone will read it! ^_^ I'm sorry about the lateness of the update, but this is the most important scene in the story and so I needed to spend some time on it. Hope you like it.
BTW Dennisud, you did make a good point in your review that Erina probably wouldn't kill herself in front of the children. However, I believe she would for a couple of reasons. Firstly, her massive pride – for her, the only thing worse than being in the low state she's sunken too is having an enemy (of sorts, in Ruri) see it too, so perhaps she'd be impulsive to avoid the scenario altogether. Also, remember she is absolutely terrified of facing another Christmas alone and was already about to cut herself before the children came in. She can't deal with people at the moment and any contact with them may keep her chained to a life she hates. Such a thought may push her to cut now rather than risk any more pain. Still, I could always be wrong about this. I've never been suicidal before, so I can only imagine what it would be like for her and what her reasoning would be like.
Chapter 5 – Candles in the Gloom
6:03 pm, 24th December 2198
Hari registered the situation in a second. A person holding a blade aloft outside of their kitchen always meant trouble, and from the way she held it, Hari could suss her intentions.
He acted without thinking. No sooner had he seen her, he found himself sprinting across the room at full pelt. In the space of five steps, he crossed the room, hopped onto the coffee table and dove for her wrists. The momentum took both of them over and down onto the couch, but though Hari had Erina's knife wrist in his grasp, she still had firm hold of the blade. She cried out and struggled against him, twisting in his clutches and clawing at him like a beast with her free hand. Hari was unprepared for such resistance and instinctively turned away from her, relinquishing his hold on her hand. Before he could regain himself, she roughly pushed him off her, drew her hand back and slapped him hard around the face. The crack it made felt as sharp as it sounded.
"Just what do you think you're doing!? How dare you come in here and assault me like this!" Erina snarled, her hair dishevelled and furious veins throbbing at her temples.
"Hey, you were about to cut yourself!" Hari protested in anger while rubbing his raw cheek. "I wasn't going to let you do that, was I?"
"What I do is my own business, you rat!"
"We're not going to let you take your own life Miss Won!" Hari said, extending a hand to her. "Now give me the knife!"
"Get out! Now!" Erina screeched, thrusting a trembling finger to the doorway.
"Give me the knife," Hari repeated calmly, taking a tentative step towards her.
"Stay away from me!" she screamed, taking a swipe at him with the blade. It was a warning rather than an actual attack, but it did cause Hari to flinch back with a startled grunt.
"Hari!" Ruri's concerned cry came from the doorway.
He glanced to the girl, then back to the woman before him, who was eying him crazily with the knife held at the ready, as if daring him to make another attack. He held his hands up in concession and backed away a little, not wanting to provoke her into doing something hasty. Once he'd given her some distance, her body relaxed a little, her aggression flowing from her body to her harsh eyes and voice.
"Go, you brats!" she shouted. "Leave me alone! Don't you see I have nothing to live for? The least you could do is let me die in peace."
"Don't say die!" Hari shouted in return. "Whatever your problems are, they can be solved Miss Won. We can help you, if you let us."
"You can't help me," Erina hissed dangerously. "No-one can. Leave now, or I will not be held accountable for my actions." She held up her knife threateningly. "I'm warning you, I'll take another life if it means I can end my own. There are no prison sentences where I'm going."
Hari's concerned eyebrows met. In this unstable state, she probably wouldn't hesitate to run him through. She looked like some berserk demon at the moment. Her eyes were red, with faraway pupils and her cheeks were darkened with dried tears. Little muscles all about her face were twitching wildly in the dance of madness. He would have to tread carefully with her, that was for sure. He glanced quickly to Ruri, who was still standing in the doorway, looking completely baffled by these sudden events. Hari wished she'd step in to help – he couldn't deal with this crazy woman all by himself. But he had to do his best, so here it went. With gentle words, he spoke again.
"What wrong, Miss Won?"
"What's wrong!? Can't you see it for yourself!? Look at me!" she hollered. "Sitting here in a dark room all by myself while when everyone else is happily getting together with their family and friends, of which I have neither. Alone with my thoughts, I'm forced to confront the fact that I'm nothing more than a cruel, heartless bitch who thinks only of herself and has no value to anyone. And you ask me what is wrong. Well, here's the bottom line. Everything is wrong. Everything!"
"Miss Won, please calm down," Ruri said, intervening for the first time. Her ghostly calm voice could have pacified a delirious bull.
"Shut up, you monster!"
Ruri's cool gaze didn't change or even waver. "Calm down, Miss Won," she repeated. "Anger won't get us anywhere."
To Hari's relief her words seemed to have some effect, with Erina's brow smoothing out as she relaxed a little. He took another step back to give her some breathing space, but remained poised to spring in case she took another slash at her wrists.
"Please, Miss Won," Ruri continued, keeping the steady tone. "I want you to take three deep breaths and place that knife on the table."
Amazingly she obeyed her. She snorted in amusement, as if mocking herself, then placed the knife gingerly on the table. Hari seized the opportunity. The moment Erina had withdrawn her hand, he made a grab for the knife.
"No! Hari, you idiot!" Ruri's startled cry came too late. No sooner had snatched up the blade than Erina had him in a vicious headlock. Being small for his age, Hari had little physical strength and Erina overpowered him easily.
"Let go of it you brat! You won't decide my fate for me!"
"Hari! Leave it!" Ruri's tone was more than a little scolding.
"Urgh!" Resisting the instructions of his good sense, Hari relinquished possession of the knife. The dark-haired secretary greedily snatched it away and possessively clutched it to her chest, as if it was a favourite doll rather than an instrument of death. She stood tense like that for several seconds, regarding them guardedly, but when she realised that they wouldn't have another pop at depriving her of her precious knife, she loosened up again. Hari shot an imploring gaze to Ruri which asked her what their next course of action should be. She replied with a subtle circular gesture of her hand, which said, 'take it as it comes'. Swallowing, Hari nodded, praying that she was working on some kind of ingenious plan.
Clearly feeling more comfortable with the situation than he was, Erina spoke, calmly now. "What are you doing here anyway?" she demanded gruffly. "Not carol singing I hope." There was no humour in her voice.
Clearing her throat, Ruri stood up straight with her arms behind her back. "Miss Won, Ruri Hoshino and family would like to request the pleasure of your company at our Christmas gathering."
At first Erina gasped at that, clearly stunned by her invitation. The shock didn't last long though, for a second later her eyes narrowed to more familiar hostile slits.
"You expect me to beg for your charity? No, I won't accept that!"
"Come on Miss Won," Hari pleaded. "What do you have to lose?"
Erina sniffed disdainfully. "My pride for one,"
"Indeed. The same foolish pride that brought you to the blade," Ruri stated, her quiet tone holding surprising force. "Humility is precious, Miss Won. You believe your life to be in tatters, but if you accept a helping hand from us, it can be the first steps in a new life. Your pride is a small price to pay for that."
"Yeah, she's absolutely right," Hari asserted. "Be happy now, for you'll be dead a long time," he quoted.
"Shut up! Just shut up!" Erina barked, her dark hair flailing around frenziedly as she shook her head at them. "You stupid kids don't know anything about my suffering! I refuse to celebrate Christmas with you! It's a horrid holiday, it means nothing to me except sorrow while others are happy!"
"It's wrong that you should see Christmas in such a way," Ruri said. "It's a very special occasion with a very important meaning, which I've only discovered for myself recently." She crouched down to level her face with Erina's demanding that her gaze meet her own.
"Last year, I was invited to a Christmas party by Mr Uribatake, but unfortunately, I and Jun were the only ones to attend it, so it didn't turn out to be as fun as he'd hoped. So while they spent the whole time drinking themselves stupid, I began to wonder what the real meaning behind Christmas was, for I was sure there was more to it then what I was seeing. I did some research in Omoikane's files and a little analysis at the time, but I still couldn't pin one down. But after thinking on it for a year, not to mention adding in my experiences from this past December, I recently came to a conclusion. Would you like to hear it?"
"I don't care!" screamed Erina.
"Well, I'm going to tell you anyway," Ruri murmured coolly. She strode over to the window and spoke with her back to her. Her voice was clear and precise, every word placed down like a carefully-placed jigsaw piece.
"Christmas is not all about jolly Santas and mass consumerism," she started, looking out of the window into the winter wonderland beyond. "It's also not all about celebrating the birth of Christ. No. Those are only parts of the greater whole. Christmas is about so much more than them." She turned and levelled her gaze at both of them, making it clear that she was speaking as much to Hari as to Erina. "It's about building a snowman for no other reason than sharing the joy of creation with someone else. It's about singing songs that bring out happy feelings in people. It is about giving and receiving, and being delighted in both. And it's about skating on a frozen lake with your very best friend." She smiled over at Hari for that last one and he knew it had been meant for him.
"Overall, Christmas is a celebration of mankind's best traits. Love, generosity, forgiveness and being happy together with people you love. That is what Christmas is all about and if we forget that, then Christmas is meaningless."
She gave the sad secretary a smile and went on in a happier tone. "You are human too Miss Won, and you have those traits too, even if they are buried beneath some less admirable ones. You have the potential to partake in the joy that can be found in this season. You can be happy too."
"What a lovely uplifting speech," Erina said, snarling sarcastically through the tears. "But it's easy for you to say that, with your loving family Christmas to go home to. You can give Christmas whatever definition you like because you're going to enjoy it regardless. It won't mean anything to lonely ones like me!"
Ruri folded her lips in broodingly as she conceded this point. Just as Hari wondered whether she had an answer in her, she gave it, her voice lower now as she dealt with the darker side of the topic.
"No matter what we do, we cannot make everyone happy and there will always those who are miserable in the world. It is our duty as the more fortunate ones that we do not ignore them. We must spare them thoughts and to help them where we can. But we cannot let the misery of others totally deny us our happiness. If people cannot laugh while others are crying, then happiness in our world would not exist.
"The apathetic nature of reality ensures that we will never live in a perfect world. But if you ask me, Christmas is the closest we will ever get to that, so let us enjoy this festival of human happiness all we can. Christmas is a celebration of what is good in us, while New Year is an opportunity to renew ourselves by fixing those bad traits that we have. Take advantage of both Miss Won."
"Don't you get it?!" Erina screeched. "I'm beyond all that! I'm a lost cause. You saw how I was on the Nadesico. I'm nothing but evil. I have no goodness left to save."
"Of course you do. Everyone has some goodness inside them. Likewise everyone has some badness in them as well. The relative balance between the two varies, but no-one is ever perfect, nor is anyone pure evil. There will always be some happiness amid the sorrow, some goodness amid the evil, some hope amid the despair. Among all the darkness some light will remain," With that, she smiled and picked up a fat white candle dotted with glistening blue stars that was resting on the windowsill. She held it high and examined it, her eyes alight like the flickering flame in her hand. "Yes, light amongst darkness. Like candles in gloom."
"I don't have any such light," Erina murmured miserably. "I don't have any good points at all."
"Yes you do," said Ruri, "For example, you're intelligent."
"You're pretty," Hari added.
"You're resolute," said Ruri.
"You're hard working," said Hari.
"And you have a compassionate streak within you that rarely gets the chance to come out and play," Ruri breathed in conclusion. "Let it out Miss Won. That's what it's alls about – letting the goodness inside you come out while suppressing the badness. Live through your good points, not through your flaws, Miss Won," Ruri said, placing the candle before her on the coffee table. "It's the only way to live life properly. Do that and you'll be happy, I promise you."
Erina said nothing, just sat with her head bowed and her fingers slowly squirming together as Ruri's deep words showered down on her like a cleansing rain. Her hair obscured her face now, making her look like a scolded schoolgirl, ashamed of looking her teacher directly in the eye. There was defeat in her demeanour, and yet ironically that defeat held triumph, for she now seemed to be on the first step to recovery. Something inexplicable about her posture told Hari that she wouldn't be drawing her own blood today, or anytime soon.
"My God, Ruri's done it. She's actually gotten through to her. Damn, she's incredible!"
Erina was shaking now, her eyes preparing fresh tears. "Why did you come to save me?" she asked, uncharacteristically timidly.
Ruri closed her eyes and bowed her head solemnly. "Because we're good people. And you are a friend."
Erina emitted a small sob at that and new tears spilled forth. The pale girl opposite her approached and placed her slender arms around her. It was clear that Erina had been yearning for a hug like this for a long time, by the way she accepted it and clutched hungrily onto Ruri, like a child to a mother, except in this case the mother actually was a child.
"It's okay," Ruri murmured, though the words sounded strange in her vacant tone. "It's all going to be okay now. We're going to take care of you and set you right."
"Okay," Erina replied in a tiny voice.
"And you're coming back home with us, aren't you?" It wasn't a question that Ruri spoke.
"Yes. I'll come with you," she peeped tearfully.
"Great!" said Hari, sensing it was finally safe for him to speak. "Then there's no time to waste. Let's go!"
"We have plenty of time," Ruri said, drawing back so she could face the woman in her arms. "Miss Won, why don't you freshen up first? If you have a shower and a change of clothes you will feel much better."
"Yes," Erina muttered, smearing her hands over her tear-stained cheeks.
"Go on," Ruri soothingly ushered her to the bathroom. Erina went in, closing the door behind her. Hari winced as he heard the click of the lock.
"Are you sure it's okay to leave her in bathroom alone?" he asked. "She probably has blades in there you know,"
"It'll be fine," Ruri replied neutrally.
"How do you know that?"
Ruri's face suddenly became sunny smile, seemingly out of place in this situation. "Because, as strange as it sounds coming from me, I trust her. We had to strike deep, but I believe we've severed the root of her despair. A little moment alone will give her a chance to put her thoughts in some kind of order."
"Okay," Hari replied, deciding to trust her conviction. "Urm, look, I'm sorry I nearly messed everything up, Ruri."
"Don't be. You were acting in what you thought were her best interests, so you shouldn't apologise. And we won in the end," she turned to him solemnly. "But I hope you realise now that this was a fight we weren't going to win by force,"
"Yeah," Hari agreed. And it was true. They could deprive Erina of any method of suicide, but without killing the suicidal urges within her, they would never have gained victory.
Just then he remembered something else.
"Hey, Ruri. What you just said to her. What Christmas means…"
"That Christmas is about the goodness in people? Yes, that is what I believe and the answer I wanted you to find." She smiled again. "But you were close enough so I will let you have the point!"
"Er, thanks," he replied, even as he considered the words that she'd spoken.
"Christmas is a celebration of what is good in us," he repeated in his mind. "It's a chance to celebrate our good traits no matter which bad ones we have." His gaze went down to the fat candle which Ruri had placed on the low coffee table. "Light amongst darkness. Like candles in gloom."
* * *
Erina took her time getting ready and it was a full half hour before she emerged, wearing a pink blouse and a black skirt. Though Ruri seemed relaxed enough, Hari had been fretting the whole time. He couldn't stop the paranoid visions of forcing the bathroom door open to find the woman, who had been living and talking to him just a moment ago, lying dead in a pool of her own blood. Fortunately, his fears had turned out to be unfounded and when Erina was finally all set to go, she looked far, far better than she had when they'd first found her. Make-up, soap and clean clothes had taken away all traces of the distress she had been in, and now she looked like a normal woman again. And yet, there was still a certain lack of confidence in her air and expression which told of the emotional turmoil that was writhing around in her head. She hadn't made a full recovery yet, but progress had been made and they had to be content with that for now.
"Well then," murmured Ruri. "Shall we go?"
The unlikely trio left the apartment, one child on each of the woman's hands. Now they had a short walk and a train ride before they returned to the safe shores of Ruri's place. Hari just hoped nothing else would go wrong before they could get there.
A/N – I'm not sure exactly where the "Be happy now, for you'll be dead a long time," quote came from. I think it's Chinese. Please feel free to enlighten me if you know better.
Two chapters to go. The next one's kind of short, while the final one will deal with Christmas Day itself. Is Erina truly saved? Will Ruri and Hari ever be more than just friends? And how is everyone else doing, having been absent for two whole chapters now?! Tune in next time to find out!