A Very Brotherhoody Evolutionary Christmas
Tis the season. I decided to make a separate fic for this holiday season, well, because I really couldn't fit it into the current continuity of the BHE series. Damn Continuity. Oh well, I hope you all have a happy Christmas, A great Hanukah, A merry Kwanzaa, and a wonderful Winter Solstice.
********************
Christmas eve
"Tis the season to drive Kelly, Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad…" Mike sang as he drove his El Camino to the Bayville Mall.
"Paint his house with Yule tide colors, Fala la la la, la la la la…" Toad added as he smiled.
"Call the cops and say Statutory, Fala la la la, la la la la…" Wanda sang with a wicked smile.
"Dress his up in gay apparel, drop him off at a trucker bar." Betsy sang as well.
"God we're bad…" Mike said with a smirk as he pulled into a handicap parking spot at the mall. "Toad, have you been working on your limp?" Mike asked.
"I have indeed Goven'r.' Toad said in a cheap British accent as he pulled out a pair of crutches.
"Tiny Toad my ass." Betsy said simply. "And who the Bloody 'ell taught you to speak in me native tongue?" Betsy asked, her own accent showing.
"Where you guys singing twisted, twisted Christmas carols again?" Lance asked as he pulled the jeep up next to them.
"Yes. Yes we were." Wanda stated simply.
"Okay." Pietro said dryly. "Now do we have the proper gear for Christmas shopping this year?" Pietro asked as he pulled out a checklist. "Hidden Pockets?"
"Check." The Brotherhood all said as they patted their hidden Pockets.
"Magnets for erasing the magnetic security system on items?"
"Check." The Brotherhood all said as they held up their magnets.
"Gas Bombs?"
"Check." Lance said as he held up his backpack.
"Wire cutters?"
"Check" Blob said simply.
"Fake Id's?"
"Check." Wanda and Toad said as they held up their fake ID's.
"You know, normal people go shopping with money." Betsy said dryly.
"But we're not normal in any sense of the word." Lance stated.
"Point." Betsy replied.
"Okay then. Boys and girls. Lets try not to destroy the mall this time. We meet back here in two hours." Pietro said simply as he sped off.
"Well, lets help corporate America turn a catholic holiday into another money making scam in order to squeeze more money from the poor saps who are already to far in debt." Betsy said simply.
"A little bitter Bets?" Mike asked.
"Just a tad." Betsy said as she held her fingers up a little.
"Let's be off then." Toad said as he bounced away, crutches and all.
********************
Two Hours later
"Bets, I think you gave Santa a heart attack." Mike said as he and Betsy walked back to the meeting spot.
"What did she do?" Blob asked.
"I sat on his lap." Betsy said simply.
"Gee. A hot Asian chick sits in an old guys lap and cuddles up to him. No wonder his arm went cold." Pietro said simply.
"Pietro, you were making out with one of the elves." Mike said simply.
"Hey. Her name is Mandy. Or was it Mona? Or maybe it was Mindy?" Pietro said as he stroked his chin. "Could it have been Margaret?"
"Pervert." Wanda grumbled.
"Where the hell is Toad and Lance?" Mike asked as he looked at his watch.
********************
Best Buy, 10 minutes ago.
"Toad, are you almost done?" Lance asked as he and Toad walked around the store, Toad tucking things under his shirt and rubbing a magnet on the tag.
"I got something for everybody, but I wanna hit a jewelry store for Wanda." Toad said simply.
"Are you insane. It's easy to swipe Cd's, and other stuff, but jewelry's a bit harder to steal. In fact, its almost impossible to do it during the day time without being caught." Lance said simply.
"No problem. I swiped enough wallets today so there's more than enough cash to actually buy something for her." Toad said simply.
"You really got a thing for her, don't you?" Lance asked simply.
"Just like you still like Kitty." Toad pointed.
"Et Tu Toad." Lance grumbled.
"Exactly." Toad said simply. "So lets go."
"Excuse me." They both turned to see a security guard standing behind them. "I'll take those Cd's."
"Ninja Vanish!" Lance shouted as he threw a smoke bomb on the ground and he and Todd bolted away.
"I can't believe you used that cheesy line." Toad said simply as they walked to jewelry store.
"Whatever works." Lance replied.
********************
Back in the future…
"There you are." Blob said simply as Toad and Lance walked over. "Any problems?"
"We may not want to go to Best Buy for a while." Lance said simply.
"Good to know." Mike said simply. "Crap. Geek patrol, 8 o' clock."
"Its only four." Blob said as he looked at his watch. Wanda and Lance slapped their faces.
"Happy holidays losers!" Pietro shouted as he waved at the X-Men and New Mutants.
"What are you losers doing here?" Rouge asked as the X-Men and New Mutants walked over.
"Shop lifting… I mean shopping." Toad said simply.
"Why am I not surprised?" Kitty said simply.
"Because you're a moron?" Lance offered up.
"HEY!" Kitty shouted as Mike and Lance slapped hands.
"We should call security on you." Bobby stated.
"And you should wear something other than Spiderman underwear." Tabitha replied.
"HEY!" Bobby shouted as everyone snickered.
"Tis the season." Betsy replied between giggles.
"HEY YOU!" They all turned to see the Best Buy security Guard with a bunch of his buddies pointing at Lance and Toad.
"I move that we bolt." Lance stated.
"Motion seconded." Betsy replied.
"Motion carried." Pietro shouted as the brotherhood booked out of the mall, the security guards right behind them.
"Tis the season." Jean replied dryly as a guard went flying by.
********************
Xavier's
"I really do hate those damn kids." Xavier moaned as he looked at the mansion, which was painted Green and Red."
"Tis the season." Beast said as he cracked open a beer.
"I think I know why Logan disappears so often now a days." Xavier said as he pulled out a flask and took a nip from it.
"Oh yea."
********************
The 'Hood House ™
"Jingle Bells, Summer's smells, All Jean does is Nag, The X-mobile broke a wheel, and Wolverine is gay! HEY!" The Brotherhood sang as they entered their house with lots of loot.
"Anybody got another one?" Wanda asked.
"Let me try." Mike said as he stood up.
"This should be good." Lance said with a smirk.
"Hark the X-geeks come and sing… They are losers, really big." Mike began as the Brotherhood started another song as they began to wrap their gifts.
"Peace with humans, boy that's wild, Lance wishes Kitty, would reconcile." Pietro sang.
"HEY!" Lance screamed.
"Joyful is it to make Kelly sing, like a canary with broken wings…" Wanda sang.
"About the stupid Preps we sing, glory to the Brotherhood Kings…" Blob finished as the Brotherhood all laughed.
"Man we're bad." Betsy smiled as she finished her gifts.
"A little help…" Toad squeaked. The Brotherhood looked over to see Toad tied up in wrapping paper and tinsel.
"Its an improvement." Wanda said simply.
"Another song!" Blob shouted as he pulled out a harmonic and began a familiar Christmas tune.
"Xavier, the bald one, was as miserable as could be…" Wanda sang.
"He took a bottle of jack and drank, all that could be seen…" Lance added.
"Oh there must have been some Liquor, left in that bottle he had." Pietro sang.
"For when the X-Geeks pissed him off," Blob sang.
"He began to scream real loud. HEY!" Toad sang.
"Xavier the drunkard, was as miserable as can be…." The Brotherhood all finished.
"We're going to hell." Lance stated.
"Duh." Mike said simply as he finished wrapping his gifts.
"Man I'm beat." Blob said simply. "I'm going to bed."
"Its only 6 o' clock." Wanda said.
"Hey, the earlier we go to sleep, the earlier it will be Christmas." Blob said simply.
"He has a point." Betsy stated.
"I'm not tired." Mike said as Betsy whispered something into his ear. "On second though, it has been an exhausting day." Mike faked yawned. "TALLY HO!" Mike shouted as he grabbed Betsy and charged upstairs.
"Tis the season." Lance said simply as he walked over to his chair and slumped into it.
And so, within a few moments, all of the Brotherhood was in a fast, Christmas slumber, visions of torturing Evan, Kitty in a school girl outfit, Betsy in a school girl outfit, sugar plums, Wanda in a school girl outfit, Pietro and Toad being maimed, and Mike on a leash, all dancing in their respective heads.
********************
Christmas Day
"IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Toad shouted in joy as he bounced down the stairs.
"Woot I say." Mike said dryly as he and Betsy meandered down the stairs. Blob following them. Pietro appeared a few minutes later with a pot of coffee, which mike promptly downed.
"You know, that was for all of us." Lance said through squinted eyes.
"Sue me." Mike replied dryly.
"Will you all shut it you. This is the time to be getting along. So if you don't knock it off, I'll personally hand you all your Asses." Toad said in a sinister voice, causing the Brotherhood to back down in fear.
"Wow. Never knew my little buddy had it in him." Mike replied simply as Lance walked down stairs with a mug of coffee.
"Where'd you get that?" Wanda asked.
"Ever since Mike moved in, I've decided it would be easier to keep a coffee brewer in my room." Lance said simply as he downed the warm liquid.
"Damn strait." Mike said simply as he plumped down on the couch, Betsy sitting on his lap.
"Well it time we celebrate what the holidays is really about." Pietro said simply.
"Family?" Lance asked.
"Friends?" Betsy asked.
"Loved ones?" Toad asked.
"Getting sweet sweet revenge on those we hate?" Wanda asked.
"Food?" Blob asked.
"No!" Pietro shouted. "PRESENTS! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!!!" Pietro shouted as he dived at the Brotherhood imitation of Charley Browns Christmas tree.
"ALL FOR NONE AND NONE FOR ALL!" Blob bellowed as the Brotherhood attacked their present, ripping the paper off and seeing what they had stolen for each other.
"A "know it all guide to Voodoo"! Thanks Mike!" Wanda shouted
"YES! The Devils Advocate for PS2!" Mike shouted. "Thanks Toad!"
"Pictures of Kitty in the shower?" Toad asked as he looked at his gift.
"Oops. Miss labeled those.' Pietro said as he swapped the gifts. "Here you go Lance."
"Thanks." Lance said dryly. Before tucking the picture in his shirt pocket.
"Yes! A tin of worms!" Toad shouted. "Thank you Betsy!"
"Ooooh… Ninjistu and you. How to kill a man seven times before he hits the ground." Betsy crowed. "Thanks Wanda."
"YES! A ticket to Joe's all you can eat Buffet! YES!" Blob shouted. "Thanks Lance!"
"Ooooh… Girls of Playboy Calendar. Thank you Blob!" Pietro shouted.
"Pervert." Wanda muttered.
And soon, all the present had been exchanged and the Brotherhood had all left to go into the kitchen one by one for coffee, leaving just Toad and Scarlet Witch alone in the room. But one present hadn't been give just yet…
"Wanda?" Toad asked nervously as he walked up to the scarlet Witch.
"What Toad?" Wanda said in a defeated tone.
"I got you this…" Toad said as he handed the little jewelry box to Wanda.
"Toad… you didn't have too." Wanda said as she took the box.
"I actually paid for it." Toad said simply as Wanda opened the box to reveal a pair of diamond encrusted Onyx earrings, set in sterling silver.
"Oh my God…" Wanda said in shock. "Toad, I don't know what to say I…" Wanda began.
"I just wanted to show you how much I love you.' Toad said simply. And it was said that Wanda's heart grew three sizes that day.
"Come here you." Wanda said as she grabbed Toad and kissed him on the lips. Just as the others walked into the room.
"Holy hell." Pietro said as his jaw dropped as Wanda broke the kiss.
"Wow." Toad said in shock.
"It's a bloody Christmas Miracle. A real Christmas miracle…" Betsy said in shock.
"Merry Christmas Todd." Wanda said simply.
"Wow." Was all that Toad could say.
And so, the Brotherhood carried on their Christmas celebration, by torturing the X-Geeks, driving Kelly mad, and blowing up Duncan's house.
"What a great holiday." Lance said as the Brotherhood walked home.
"Merry Christmas to all." Blob began. "And to all a great night."
"Could that be any more of a cliché?" Mike asked simply.
********************
Merry Christmas everybody. And to all my friends at FF.net, Have a good holiday and take care of yourselves.
Peace out Eternally,
Descendent
Tis the season. I decided to make a separate fic for this holiday season, well, because I really couldn't fit it into the current continuity of the BHE series. Damn Continuity. Oh well, I hope you all have a happy Christmas, A great Hanukah, A merry Kwanzaa, and a wonderful Winter Solstice.
********************
Christmas eve
"Tis the season to drive Kelly, Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad…" Mike sang as he drove his El Camino to the Bayville Mall.
"Paint his house with Yule tide colors, Fala la la la, la la la la…" Toad added as he smiled.
"Call the cops and say Statutory, Fala la la la, la la la la…" Wanda sang with a wicked smile.
"Dress his up in gay apparel, drop him off at a trucker bar." Betsy sang as well.
"God we're bad…" Mike said with a smirk as he pulled into a handicap parking spot at the mall. "Toad, have you been working on your limp?" Mike asked.
"I have indeed Goven'r.' Toad said in a cheap British accent as he pulled out a pair of crutches.
"Tiny Toad my ass." Betsy said simply. "And who the Bloody 'ell taught you to speak in me native tongue?" Betsy asked, her own accent showing.
"Where you guys singing twisted, twisted Christmas carols again?" Lance asked as he pulled the jeep up next to them.
"Yes. Yes we were." Wanda stated simply.
"Okay." Pietro said dryly. "Now do we have the proper gear for Christmas shopping this year?" Pietro asked as he pulled out a checklist. "Hidden Pockets?"
"Check." The Brotherhood all said as they patted their hidden Pockets.
"Magnets for erasing the magnetic security system on items?"
"Check." The Brotherhood all said as they held up their magnets.
"Gas Bombs?"
"Check." Lance said as he held up his backpack.
"Wire cutters?"
"Check" Blob said simply.
"Fake Id's?"
"Check." Wanda and Toad said as they held up their fake ID's.
"You know, normal people go shopping with money." Betsy said dryly.
"But we're not normal in any sense of the word." Lance stated.
"Point." Betsy replied.
"Okay then. Boys and girls. Lets try not to destroy the mall this time. We meet back here in two hours." Pietro said simply as he sped off.
"Well, lets help corporate America turn a catholic holiday into another money making scam in order to squeeze more money from the poor saps who are already to far in debt." Betsy said simply.
"A little bitter Bets?" Mike asked.
"Just a tad." Betsy said as she held her fingers up a little.
"Let's be off then." Toad said as he bounced away, crutches and all.
********************
Two Hours later
"Bets, I think you gave Santa a heart attack." Mike said as he and Betsy walked back to the meeting spot.
"What did she do?" Blob asked.
"I sat on his lap." Betsy said simply.
"Gee. A hot Asian chick sits in an old guys lap and cuddles up to him. No wonder his arm went cold." Pietro said simply.
"Pietro, you were making out with one of the elves." Mike said simply.
"Hey. Her name is Mandy. Or was it Mona? Or maybe it was Mindy?" Pietro said as he stroked his chin. "Could it have been Margaret?"
"Pervert." Wanda grumbled.
"Where the hell is Toad and Lance?" Mike asked as he looked at his watch.
********************
Best Buy, 10 minutes ago.
"Toad, are you almost done?" Lance asked as he and Toad walked around the store, Toad tucking things under his shirt and rubbing a magnet on the tag.
"I got something for everybody, but I wanna hit a jewelry store for Wanda." Toad said simply.
"Are you insane. It's easy to swipe Cd's, and other stuff, but jewelry's a bit harder to steal. In fact, its almost impossible to do it during the day time without being caught." Lance said simply.
"No problem. I swiped enough wallets today so there's more than enough cash to actually buy something for her." Toad said simply.
"You really got a thing for her, don't you?" Lance asked simply.
"Just like you still like Kitty." Toad pointed.
"Et Tu Toad." Lance grumbled.
"Exactly." Toad said simply. "So lets go."
"Excuse me." They both turned to see a security guard standing behind them. "I'll take those Cd's."
"Ninja Vanish!" Lance shouted as he threw a smoke bomb on the ground and he and Todd bolted away.
"I can't believe you used that cheesy line." Toad said simply as they walked to jewelry store.
"Whatever works." Lance replied.
********************
Back in the future…
"There you are." Blob said simply as Toad and Lance walked over. "Any problems?"
"We may not want to go to Best Buy for a while." Lance said simply.
"Good to know." Mike said simply. "Crap. Geek patrol, 8 o' clock."
"Its only four." Blob said as he looked at his watch. Wanda and Lance slapped their faces.
"Happy holidays losers!" Pietro shouted as he waved at the X-Men and New Mutants.
"What are you losers doing here?" Rouge asked as the X-Men and New Mutants walked over.
"Shop lifting… I mean shopping." Toad said simply.
"Why am I not surprised?" Kitty said simply.
"Because you're a moron?" Lance offered up.
"HEY!" Kitty shouted as Mike and Lance slapped hands.
"We should call security on you." Bobby stated.
"And you should wear something other than Spiderman underwear." Tabitha replied.
"HEY!" Bobby shouted as everyone snickered.
"Tis the season." Betsy replied between giggles.
"HEY YOU!" They all turned to see the Best Buy security Guard with a bunch of his buddies pointing at Lance and Toad.
"I move that we bolt." Lance stated.
"Motion seconded." Betsy replied.
"Motion carried." Pietro shouted as the brotherhood booked out of the mall, the security guards right behind them.
"Tis the season." Jean replied dryly as a guard went flying by.
********************
Xavier's
"I really do hate those damn kids." Xavier moaned as he looked at the mansion, which was painted Green and Red."
"Tis the season." Beast said as he cracked open a beer.
"I think I know why Logan disappears so often now a days." Xavier said as he pulled out a flask and took a nip from it.
"Oh yea."
********************
The 'Hood House ™
"Jingle Bells, Summer's smells, All Jean does is Nag, The X-mobile broke a wheel, and Wolverine is gay! HEY!" The Brotherhood sang as they entered their house with lots of loot.
"Anybody got another one?" Wanda asked.
"Let me try." Mike said as he stood up.
"This should be good." Lance said with a smirk.
"Hark the X-geeks come and sing… They are losers, really big." Mike began as the Brotherhood started another song as they began to wrap their gifts.
"Peace with humans, boy that's wild, Lance wishes Kitty, would reconcile." Pietro sang.
"HEY!" Lance screamed.
"Joyful is it to make Kelly sing, like a canary with broken wings…" Wanda sang.
"About the stupid Preps we sing, glory to the Brotherhood Kings…" Blob finished as the Brotherhood all laughed.
"Man we're bad." Betsy smiled as she finished her gifts.
"A little help…" Toad squeaked. The Brotherhood looked over to see Toad tied up in wrapping paper and tinsel.
"Its an improvement." Wanda said simply.
"Another song!" Blob shouted as he pulled out a harmonic and began a familiar Christmas tune.
"Xavier, the bald one, was as miserable as could be…" Wanda sang.
"He took a bottle of jack and drank, all that could be seen…" Lance added.
"Oh there must have been some Liquor, left in that bottle he had." Pietro sang.
"For when the X-Geeks pissed him off," Blob sang.
"He began to scream real loud. HEY!" Toad sang.
"Xavier the drunkard, was as miserable as can be…." The Brotherhood all finished.
"We're going to hell." Lance stated.
"Duh." Mike said simply as he finished wrapping his gifts.
"Man I'm beat." Blob said simply. "I'm going to bed."
"Its only 6 o' clock." Wanda said.
"Hey, the earlier we go to sleep, the earlier it will be Christmas." Blob said simply.
"He has a point." Betsy stated.
"I'm not tired." Mike said as Betsy whispered something into his ear. "On second though, it has been an exhausting day." Mike faked yawned. "TALLY HO!" Mike shouted as he grabbed Betsy and charged upstairs.
"Tis the season." Lance said simply as he walked over to his chair and slumped into it.
And so, within a few moments, all of the Brotherhood was in a fast, Christmas slumber, visions of torturing Evan, Kitty in a school girl outfit, Betsy in a school girl outfit, sugar plums, Wanda in a school girl outfit, Pietro and Toad being maimed, and Mike on a leash, all dancing in their respective heads.
********************
Christmas Day
"IT'S CHRISTMAS!" Toad shouted in joy as he bounced down the stairs.
"Woot I say." Mike said dryly as he and Betsy meandered down the stairs. Blob following them. Pietro appeared a few minutes later with a pot of coffee, which mike promptly downed.
"You know, that was for all of us." Lance said through squinted eyes.
"Sue me." Mike replied dryly.
"Will you all shut it you. This is the time to be getting along. So if you don't knock it off, I'll personally hand you all your Asses." Toad said in a sinister voice, causing the Brotherhood to back down in fear.
"Wow. Never knew my little buddy had it in him." Mike replied simply as Lance walked down stairs with a mug of coffee.
"Where'd you get that?" Wanda asked.
"Ever since Mike moved in, I've decided it would be easier to keep a coffee brewer in my room." Lance said simply as he downed the warm liquid.
"Damn strait." Mike said simply as he plumped down on the couch, Betsy sitting on his lap.
"Well it time we celebrate what the holidays is really about." Pietro said simply.
"Family?" Lance asked.
"Friends?" Betsy asked.
"Loved ones?" Toad asked.
"Getting sweet sweet revenge on those we hate?" Wanda asked.
"Food?" Blob asked.
"No!" Pietro shouted. "PRESENTS! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!!!" Pietro shouted as he dived at the Brotherhood imitation of Charley Browns Christmas tree.
"ALL FOR NONE AND NONE FOR ALL!" Blob bellowed as the Brotherhood attacked their present, ripping the paper off and seeing what they had stolen for each other.
"A "know it all guide to Voodoo"! Thanks Mike!" Wanda shouted
"YES! The Devils Advocate for PS2!" Mike shouted. "Thanks Toad!"
"Pictures of Kitty in the shower?" Toad asked as he looked at his gift.
"Oops. Miss labeled those.' Pietro said as he swapped the gifts. "Here you go Lance."
"Thanks." Lance said dryly. Before tucking the picture in his shirt pocket.
"Yes! A tin of worms!" Toad shouted. "Thank you Betsy!"
"Ooooh… Ninjistu and you. How to kill a man seven times before he hits the ground." Betsy crowed. "Thanks Wanda."
"YES! A ticket to Joe's all you can eat Buffet! YES!" Blob shouted. "Thanks Lance!"
"Ooooh… Girls of Playboy Calendar. Thank you Blob!" Pietro shouted.
"Pervert." Wanda muttered.
And soon, all the present had been exchanged and the Brotherhood had all left to go into the kitchen one by one for coffee, leaving just Toad and Scarlet Witch alone in the room. But one present hadn't been give just yet…
"Wanda?" Toad asked nervously as he walked up to the scarlet Witch.
"What Toad?" Wanda said in a defeated tone.
"I got you this…" Toad said as he handed the little jewelry box to Wanda.
"Toad… you didn't have too." Wanda said as she took the box.
"I actually paid for it." Toad said simply as Wanda opened the box to reveal a pair of diamond encrusted Onyx earrings, set in sterling silver.
"Oh my God…" Wanda said in shock. "Toad, I don't know what to say I…" Wanda began.
"I just wanted to show you how much I love you.' Toad said simply. And it was said that Wanda's heart grew three sizes that day.
"Come here you." Wanda said as she grabbed Toad and kissed him on the lips. Just as the others walked into the room.
"Holy hell." Pietro said as his jaw dropped as Wanda broke the kiss.
"Wow." Toad said in shock.
"It's a bloody Christmas Miracle. A real Christmas miracle…" Betsy said in shock.
"Merry Christmas Todd." Wanda said simply.
"Wow." Was all that Toad could say.
And so, the Brotherhood carried on their Christmas celebration, by torturing the X-Geeks, driving Kelly mad, and blowing up Duncan's house.
"What a great holiday." Lance said as the Brotherhood walked home.
"Merry Christmas to all." Blob began. "And to all a great night."
"Could that be any more of a cliché?" Mike asked simply.
********************
Merry Christmas everybody. And to all my friends at FF.net, Have a good holiday and take care of yourselves.
Peace out Eternally,
Descendent