Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (Amy Winehouse)
Santana's POV
FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER
Day 1
The intake process for rehab was almost the same as prison intake.
I had to endure an embarrassing cavity search, and drug test, before I was forced to take out my extensions, and wash my hair with lice shampoo, which made my hair feel like straw.
Thankfully, my intake officer was a black woman and had a leave-in conditioner that would keep my hair from breaking.
I had shown up in the middle of a program, so I was given the only counselor they had, a guy named Craig, who I could tell had it in for me almost immediately.
He was a definite homophobe, just my luck.
After getting dressed in my uniform and being read the rules that I had to sign off on, I got a new ankle monitor.
Craig gave me the run down on all the things that I would need to do to stay out of prison while we waited for my drug tests to come back.
And when they did, he took one look at me, and recommended me for triage before I could participate in the program. Triage was in a separate building, which served as a medical safe space to come down from any drugs and depending on my counselor any time spent there would be in addition to my 90 days, and just one look at Craig told me that my 90 days, was now 97.
I ended up in a white padded room, where I couldn't wear shoes or my rosary.
They monitored me 24/7, for 7 days. I couldn't even take a shit in peace, it was torture.
At least way back at cheer camp when I was going through my withdrawal, Britt and Q had made me feel loved.
This center treated me like I was just another junkie animal in a cage.
By the time that day 7 came around, and my intake officer came to check on me, I was sickly thin, after refusing food and, doing nothing but crying as my boobs ached.
Even though they'd agreed to allow me to send milk to the baby, I was only allowed to pump once a day, which wasn't nearly enough.
Most of the people that I had seen in triage were men, who had no idea how painful holding all that milk could be.
One of them even said, well you should have thought of your baby before you tainted your milk.
So when Officer Coleman told me that I had to go through intake again, and the head counselor had room on her roster for a new patient, I agreed to be transferred from Craig's oversight immediately.
Dr. Clover was like a breath of fresh air, with her bubbly smile and her giant red couch, which had a great view of the water, when you were in session.
She didn't look at me the same way that Craig had, instead she'd presented me with the same kind of breast pump that I had at home, turned down the lights, and put on smooth jazz for our first session, while she read over my files.
By the time that I was finished, she was sitting across from me in a wingback chair, with a steaming mug and two pill bottles.
"Are you ready to get started?"
I was so relieved that I nodded. "Yes."
"Good. We will start with your new medication. One will help with the cravings and will act as an anti-seizure medication, and the other will help you with your anxiety and depression."
I wanted to say that I wasn't depressed but I found it hard to lie to her.
Just what I needed.
She gave me a rundown of the program that didn't sound like an impossible feat, instead she made me feel like I could be myself, and like every aspect of the program had a purpose.
Even my first chore, which would be cleaning the floors on my hands and knees. Dr. Clover said it would be easy on my back and would teach me to be more comfortable with being alone with my thoughts.
She gave me a journal, encouraged me to name it, and told me that she expected for me to write in it at least once a day.
I picked it up and smelled the pages, just like I always did when I got a new book, and she grinned. I could tell that she liked me already.
When she handed me a small rosary, one too small to hang myself with, which is exactly what Craig had said about Ian's, I broke down in tears.
"Talk to me about your feelings." She said, as she pushed a box of tissues towards me.
"My son's f-father, Ian, he um, he k-killed himself last August, well the ro-rosary that I came here with was his. I had worn it every day since I got it, and I've been f-finding it hard to p-pray without it. I was ho-hoping I could have it back."
My stutter was making a reappearance as I sat nervously waiting to be shot down, but she didn't shoot me down, instead she went over to her desk and searched through the drawers until she came back with a little box that had my initials on it.
"It is a beautiful rosary, Santana, but it's also a suicide risk, I know it feels ironic that I'm saying that given its source, but I promise transparency with all of my patients. You'll be allowed to use it when you're in this room, even if we aren't in session. If you just need a breather, to pray during my open office hours you will be able to, but it cannot leave this room until you're discharged."
"That's fine, I can live with that."
"Good. Would you like to use it now?"
"Please?" My voice was barely above a whisper.
The feel of the beads in my hands calmed an itching I'd been feeling in my fingers, which had previously only come from needing to play my piano.
Ian, like my piano, was a great source of comfort, one that I craved more than drugs.
Who knew?
I met my personal monitor after my first session with Dr. Clover, and I instantly felt this urge to fuck with her. She just had this uptight thing going like Quinn, and it made me feel like annoying her, but she was, honest to God, nothing like Quinn.
She had boundaries, and respected mine.
It felt good to have companionable silence, and the urge to mess with her was gone within a matter of hours, when I watched her admire the pictures of my babies.
"Santana, your children are beautiful. I pray that they have the best lives, and that you are there for all the greatest moments, and that you are able to get them through the hardest ones. I hope that I can help you in that journey."
My hormones were still a mess, and I burst into tears. "Thanks, Cici."
"Cecelia." She corrected.
"Look, right now I want to hug you, and I k-know you ha-hate hugging people. Can I just ha-have ONE thing that isn't formal?"
She shrugged.
"My last roommate hugged me endlessly, your restraint makes me like you. I guess, CiCi isn't the worst name."
"Sweet."
"Ready to journal?" She asked as she picked up her book and sniffed the pages, making me like her more.
"Definitely."
"Have at it, roomie."
Cici and I formed a routine pretty quickly, and spent our down time reading or studying, mumbling a fact or thought every once in a while, and it made me miss Quinn.
I knew that things with us probably wouldn't be the same when I was back home, but I was sure more than anything, that I could never let her go.
She was as much a part of me as my kids, or my sisters.
There was no letting that kind of thing go.
We just had to redefine our relationship, again.
And hopefully my sister, and Britt wouldn't stand in the way of that.
Day 30
It was apparent after my first phone call with Britt that we weren't in a good place, and that she didn't see it yet.
"Ana!" she said as she picked up on the first ring on that first day.
"Hey, B." I felt shy at first...go figure!
"It's so great to hear your voice!"
"It's great to he-" I was cut off.
"Dionne! No...come on...come see me later...the wife is on the phone...yes..." I heard her cover the receiver, but it didn't cover that laugh she does when she's flirting. I swallowed my immediate pang of jealousy and waited. Then her cheery voice popped back on the line. "Sorry about that."
That was all the explanation that she offered. I sighed and sat back against the big red couch, with Dr. Clover taking notes.
"It's fine B. Are you at work?"
"Yea...I had planned to be home but then Tony had a family emergency, so I came in an hour early. I thought I locked my door but apparently I didn't."
"It's fine. So tell me how you're doing?"
"Great! The show is..." she went on and on about the show for a whole ten minutes before taking a breath. The clock was ticking, and I only got one phone call a week until day 60. Needless to say, I was getting insanely annoyed. "Anyway...enough about me...how is your recovery going?"
That's a loaded question to ask anyone recovering from an addiction.
We all have good days and bad days.
Even people who have been clean for decades had those not so good days.
"I'm feeling much better...today is a good day."
"Yea? That's amazing."
"Are you okay, Britt Britt?"
"Um...yea...sorry...I have a crap load of emails...I was just checking them...and...I'm done. Okay. I'm so sorry!"
"It's fine."
"No it's not. I'm probably annoying the shit out of you...Ugh...I've just been buried in work for the show. Plus going back and forth to the hospital these last few weeks...has thrown me off."
My heart dropped and was rolling around in the pit of my stomach. This whole conversation was bringing feelings of angst back, and I was really not liking it. This was not what I had expected.
"Hospital? Is everything alright?"
"Oh...right. I'm so scattered. Yea...Izzy was sick again, but he's fine."
I didn't hold back my tears after that.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, he's fine. No need to worry. And hey, Izzy took his first steps!"
"But he's not even one yet!" I said in shock. "I can't believe I missed it."
"I know... he's been walking for three weeks now. It's so amazing to see. He gets better every day!"
I sucked in a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears that were now pooling in my eyes. I had missed my son's first steps. I had known it would happen but knowing that it did, and I wasn't there because of my stupid fucking addiction…made me feel so powerless.
"Yea...did I miss anything else?" I squeaked out.
"Dani is sitting up on her own now. She can sit in the highchair, and she babbles a lot. She says Ma now. It's so cute...I can't wait for you to see her and Izzy...he talks now...like full sentences and it sounds so clear. Little Johnny was over for the weekend with Sandra, and they were just gabbing back and forth. It was insane...I recorded it for you."
"You did?"
"Yes! I tried to record what I could. I know how hard it is for you to miss stuff and-" she was cut off again and I could hear the muffle of her hand over the phone again. "What did I fucking tell you, D? Yes, I'm still on the phone! It's been a month...look...yea I know that! I know but...fuck fine...come in...sit down and shut the fuck up...okay?" I heard more mumbling and then a door shut.
When Britt finally got back on the line we had reached the forty-five-minute mark and I felt like I didn't really get to hear anything about what was going on at home. It was scraps.
"Britt...if you need to go...it's okay." I said when I heard her pick up the phone again.
"No...Dionne can wait."
"It's fine...we only have ten minutes left anyway. Go handle stuff...we can talk more next week. Okay?"
"Okay...fine. I love you Ana."
"I love you too, B."
After talking at length about that phone call, I wasn't allowed to talk to Britt for another two weeks.
Dr. Clover had decided that even if I'd made progress, I needed to keep processing so that the next time I talked to her, she wouldn't be such a huge trigger for me.
I spent those two weeks in therapy and on my knees scrubbing the floors until I could see my reflection. Eventually, I got to a place where I was able to appreciate how empty my mind was. It was equal to that mind numbing euphoria I only found just after an intense orgasm or a really good high.
It was then that I saw the purpose of the heavy labor.
I had always seen Sandra cleaning her house from top to bottom every Saturday, and I thought she was insane...she could afford a maid, but she insisted that she do it all on her own. I understood her so much more now.
The military had taught her how to clear her mind through hard work.
Now rehab was helping me to understand the same principle.
I felt more prepared to talk to Britt, but I was still working to accept that there would be changes in the outside world, because life wasn't going to stop for me, it had to keep moving forward.
And so did I.
Day 45
Isaac's first birthday had taken place during the two weeks that I was banned from calls.
So I knew that I needed to be prepared to hear about all that I had missed, but I was officially at the halfway point, and that meant that I wouldn't be missing things for much longer.
Since I was over a quarter through the program, phone calls were now on video, so I'd get to see Britt's face, and she'd get to see mine.
There would be no way for her to lie to me, and I was looking forward to that.
What I hadn't expected was that it wouldn't be my wife on the call, but my oldest sister instead.
Apparently Britt had an important meeting to get to, so she asked Sandra to call me.
As bad as it may sound, the moment that I saw my sister's face, I felt relieved that I got to talk to her instead of my wife.
We had a real conversation about everything. It was what I had needed two weeks prior. She told me what I needed to hear and only told me certain things if I asked. She didn't mention any family drama, which was great!
We had been about to end the phone call when I saw an anxious look on her face.
"Talk to me sis. I know that you have been dancing around telling me something."
"Look, I don't want to make your recovery time worse, but I feel like you knowing what's going on while you have people to help you process your feelings, is for the best."
"Is it about Britt?" I sighed and covered my face.
"Yea. For the most part."
Dr. Clover saw my distress and signaled me over.
"Hold on, sis." I got up and headed across the room and handed her the tablet, and she positioned it, so we were both in frame.
Doc had already warned me that if I was in distress she'd be ready to step in.
"Hi, Sandra. I'm going to sit in for the rest of the call. Is that alright?" she was just asking to be nice but neither of us really had a choice.
"Oh that's good. Can I talk now?" she said, sounding exhausted.
"Go on."
"I stopped by the house, and it was a pigsty. There were a bunch of people staying there, at all times of day, so I took the kids."
"People? Quinn didn't fight her on it?"
"After everything that happened between you two, Quinn lays low, and doesn't argue with Brittany, and I don't blame her."
"Wow, is Britt visiting the kids at least?"
"Britt refuses to come see them here and changed the locks on the house. Quinn has taken them to her, but just for a few hours, never overnight. Q says that the house is still a mess. She gave me a copy of the new key. I haven't used it yet, because I don't want Britt to distance herself even more."
"I get that."
"I don't know what kind of arrangement you two have, and I'm not judging. I just want to be clear, Britt can do whatever she wants with her life, but she's a mom. Izzy is getting older, he's taking in everything he sees, and is definitely missing you both. Sometimes he seems lost, and then he sees her, and he lights up again."
"When he sees her." I said, and she nodded. "Is she off her meds?"
"I'm not sure but Gladys and I are planning to talk to her about it. I just thought that you should know. I'm sorry to tell you...it's just...ugh...I'm sorry."
"She is um..." I took a deep breath and looked at Dr. Clover. She nodded in agreement that this would be a good opportunity to lay my fears to rest. "She isn't seeing anyone else is she?"
"From what I know, Britt is still faithful to you."
"Oh okay."
"Look Ana, I'm trying my best to make sure that you have something to come home to. You just need to worry about getting better because your kids need you...more than us...more than Brittany. Okay?"
"Thanks for being honest with me Sandra." I whispered as I brushed my hands through my hair. I was feeling a little more relieved and knew that as long as I had people on the outside taking care of things, that I would be able to handle anything.
Day 60
May 28, 2013
Hi Henry,
Halfway through this freaking program! :D
I am currently sitting in Doc's office, curled up on the big red comfy couch, preparing for another call with my kids. It's been 25 days since I've spoken to Britt, and I don't expect that to change.
I'm at the point that managing my expectations just means, not hoping for things to stay the same in my marriage, and I don't mean that in a sad, woe is me kind of way...I mean it in a realistic way. I just try not to expect anything from Britt at all.
I'd pivoted my expectations to just staying sober and the ability to hold my babies again,
-S
When I got to Doc's office, I was surprised to see Britt's face already on the screen as she talked to my therapist while they waited for me. Since that call with Sandra, back on day 45, Doc has sat in on every call...just off to the side making sure that I don't lose my shit again and it hasn't really been needed but when it came to me and B, anything was possible.
One thing was for sure though, I was definitely not the same person I was when I got here or who I was 30 days before.
The medicine had helped me get a hold on my erratic emotions but there were still times that calls ended with me in tears. Knowing that this was only the second time that I was talking to my wife, she was definitely on high alert.
Seeing her talk to B, face to face, made my stomach churn but I didn't get in my head about it.
"Hey, doc." I said and she smiled at me.
"Hi Santana, look who it is."
"I see."
"I was just telling Brittany that starting today, you get a whole hour and a half to call, and she is very excited."
"Good." I stepped into frame and sat down, Britt's eyes lit up when she saw me and then she turned to the side. I could see that she was on the floor in the playroom at my sister's house. Which meant the kids were still there a whole month after going to stay with my sister.
And then I was thinking of the state of my house, now that Quinn was in Lima for the summer, but then I let it go because there was absolutely nothing I could do. I still had 60 more days to go. This was only the halfway point, so much could happen between now and then.
"Iz...come." She called and it sounded weird...shortening Isaac to Izzy was one thing but to do it again to Iz...well that was just annoying, but I let it go.
Pick your battles, Lopez.
My son toddled into frame and planted himself on Britt's lap with a red lollipop shoved in his mouth.
"Hi Papa." I said and his eyes snapped to me. He clapped his hands and laughed.
"Mami! Mami!" He said, "Home?" He said to me, his cheek bulging with the lollipop, and I shook my head, not wanting to correct Britt on her parenting. It was 10am, and his teeth were so new, that candy was NOT a good thing for him, especially at that time of morning, but just because I had been sitting through parenting courses didn't mean Britt had.
I didn't want to be condescending.
Britt had always hated when people corrected her and would shut down on anyone who made her feel stupid.
Correcting her in that moment when she was there with the kids and I wasn't, didn't seem like the move. I was picking my battles heavy, right then, knowing that I just needed to take things as they came.
"Not yet. Soon, Papa."
"Soon?" He asked and I nodded.
"Yay!" He clapped his hands again and then leaned back against B and stared at me, his eyes shining. All I wanted was to snuggle him and make him feel secure. Was anyone doing that enough?
"I hope you're happy to see me on the call, I rearranged my schedule to be here for it." B said, sounding just slightly formal. I tried to brush the feeling away and smiled at her.
"I missed you." I admitted.
She looked surprised but then grinned.
"I missed you too, Ana. You look good."
"So do you."
"So, updates for you. This little guy had a doctor's appointment this week. His lungs are improving, and he is on a daily maintenance medicine to help with the asthma. He can count to ten. Show Mami how you count, buddy."
She took the lollipop from him and popped it into her mouth and helped him hold up his hands.
"One, tew, tee, four, fie, si, se-in, eyg, nine, ten!" He squealed. We'd have to work on his pronunciation, but he did do it.
"Good job, Papa."
"I play?" He said to her, and she kissed his face and helped him on his feet.
"Go play." She did not give him the lollipop back, thankfully. "I'm going to grab Dani, Sandra is in here with the boys, so we can come back in a little, okay?"
"Okay, thanks, B."
Once I had seen both of the kids and said a brief hello to my sister, Britt took me out to the car with her.
"I need to head to the city now, you have a half hour left, can we still talk, without the kids?" She asked.
Dr. Clover nodded.
"Yes." I replied.
"Good. So, remember when you said I should explore."
I sighed, already settling within myself and through talks with Dr. Clover, that I just had to accept this version of reality.
"Yes."
"I want to always be honest with you, Ana. I've been seeing someone. A guy."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes."
"Have you, you know?"
"Had sex? A few times, but I need to know what rules are there, you know, because we're still married."
"Wow...um...I wasn't r-ready for this talk."
"Sorry." She said as she looked at the road, her bottom lip between her teeth.
"Keep it away from the k-kids and out of the h-house."
Her face went red, and I knew, she'd already done both of those things.
"Okay, I won't do that again."
"I also ask tha-that you end it be-before I get home."
She nodded.
"Okay, yeah, I told him that."
"Good."
"Is it okay that we're having sex?"
"Do you, B. J-Just be safe. D-Don't bring anything home."
"Okay. How about you, any love connections in there?"
"Nope."
"Really?"
"Really. Not w-worried about that stuff. I j-just want to be clean."
"That's good to hear."
"When are you b-bringing the kids home, B?" I asked her, not really able to let that fact go anymore.
"I don't know. I wasn't going to, Izzy hasn't been sick since he's been at Sandra's, there's something about the house that isn't good for him. Plus, it's Sandra that picks up your milk and so it makes sense that she keeps Dani instead of your milk going all over the world."
"They need us, B. I c-can't be there. Are you th-there enough?"
She got quiet and then let out a sigh.
"Probably not, I'll do better, okay?"
"Promise?"
"I promise."
After my call with B, Dr. Clover tried sitting me down and getting me to unravel what I was thinking about Britt's revelation, but I was able to look her straight in the eyes and tell her that I didn't care.
Not as much as I cared about Isaac's teeth and the fact that our kids had barely seen either of us in a really long time.
It just didn't feel right and with their godmother far away, I was certain that the influence of my family was stronger than I would have liked. My sister was a saint for taking on two extra kids when she had three boys to take care of, but I knew that she had nannies and hired help. That wasn't how I wanted our kids to grow up.
So that's what I talked about.
And when she asked if I wanted to go to the music room, I asked if I could go to chapel instead.
With my new chore being maintaining the chapel, I had become obsessed with making sure the candles were stocked, the floors, were swept and the incense was burning. I had been leaning heavier on my faith and had even gotten Father Carter in here a few times to give counsel.
Without needing to be told, I was already making plans for after rehab, for me and for the kids. I wasn't counting Britt out, but I also wasn't tethering myself to her anymore. My kids and my sobriety were my top focus.
Knowing Britt was out there exploring, gave me the freedom to explore to...my method just wasn't the same as hers.
I was exploring who I was outside of us...but for real this time.
In just few weeks, I'd be 20 and in my mind that came with putting away childish things.
And for me that meant the games that I played with Brittany.
It was with that resolve that I had left the meeting and was diligently cleaning the chapel.
Until the world seemed to tilt, as I was faced with the greatest temptation of them all.
I sat there frozen, staring at the dais wondering who had been there while I was in therapy.
The chapel was the only place without cameras, and I knew that God was testing me.
On my watch monitor there was a panic button, and for the first time, I was tempted to push it, but I wasn't sure who that signaled.
God forbid it was Craig, he seemed to have formed a bitterness against me, since I left his care, and was always ready to hand me demerits for something that I hadn't done.
He'd find a way to pin this on me.
I rubbed my palms together as I tried to think of my next move.
There were lines there...imperfect but beautiful. I could tell that they were created by someone in a rush.
I'd been sober for 61 days...if I touched those drugs, I'd go to jail for a year.
Which would mean more time away from my kids.
So even if it was Craig who showed up, I couldn't risk being in that room alone for much longer without jeopardizing everything.
I pressed on the panic button and then moved to the front pew, just a few feet from the dais, and pulled out my rosary. I began to recite an Our Father and hoped to God that someone got to me before I finished.
The doors swung open seconds later, then there were rushed footsteps, but I just kept moving the beads as my cheeks got tingly.
My eyes had been closed until I felt a cool hand on my shoulder.
"Santana, what's wrong?" Thank God it was Doc.
"What's the emergency?" That voice was Officer Coleman's as she knelt in front of me.
I opened my eyes and realized I was crying.
My throat was tight, so I just pointed to the dais.
Officer Coleman went over and then froze.
She looked back at me.
"Did you touch this?"
"No." I shook my head and then rubbed my palms. "I p-panicked."
"You did the right thing, Santana." Officer Coleman tried to assure me, but I was feeling like shit. "Jenn, take her out of here. She'll need to follow protocol, take her to my office, and don't let her out of your sight. Wait there for me."
I sat in the intake office with Doc but nothing she said was getting through. I just stared blankly at her, because I couldn't focus with my brain spiraling.
"Santana, I know this is hard, but I need you to get your act together before Craig or anyone else comes in here. You're presenting as if you slipped. I don't want to send you to triage. Please?" She sounded worried and her voice shook.
She pushed my journal into my hands, and I looked down, there, open to my most recent page were the pictures of my kids, that Quinn had sent me. I smiled and thought only of them, feeling proud of myself for not slipping.
I thought of Isaac's counting and Daniela's dimples when she'd seen my face that morning, and I even thought of Britt's bright blue eyes, which glittered every time she was excited.
My three heartbeats.
I took deep breaths and was able to level myself out by the time that Officer Coleman arrived with CiCi and Craig behind her.
Cici, Craig, and Doc lingered while Officer Coleman had me pee in a cup, before swabbing my hands and face.
Doc seemed to be holding her breath as we waited for the results, while Cici read her book without a single worry on her face, but Craig was pacing the hall anxiously.
Had it been him?
Officer Coleman patted me down and interrogated me until she was satisfied. Then I was told to journal, while she talked with Doc.
When my tests came back negative, it made me feel so good to see the look of pride on Doc and Cici's faces.
Officer Coleman nodded her approval, and Craig, had disappeared. I was sure that it was him, but I kept my mouth shut.
"CiCi, take Santana to the cafeteria, I'll be sending everyone there shortly. We need to do room sweeps and center wide drug testing, patients and staff. The center is on lockdown until further notice." Officer Coleman said and then I stood up, looking at Doc.
"Thank you." I said to her, and she nodded her head. Her desperate plea had kept me from going over the edge.
And being clear headed as I walked with Cici to the cafeteria, with the announcement for everyone to report there with their buddy, ringing out, I felt like I had come out of a rigged battle, as the victor.
It felt like I had moved a mountain in my own mind.
Then the lyrics began to come to me.
I tucked into a booth along the far wall, with CiCi and began to write feverishly, shutting out the world as I let the words spill from me.
For my entire life I'd wanted to be a lawyer because it was practical and secure. Now though, with endless money at my disposal, I was thinking of taking songwriting more seriously.
And I had Dr. Clover and rehab to thank for it.
We sat there, eating dinner early, while they called 5 names at a time at random over the loudspeaker. Another cop that I hadn't seen before was guarding the exit so that only those 5 people left.
The names called were a mix of staff and patients.
Even though five would leave, five didn't always come back.
Sometimes four, sometimes, three and at one point only one.
People would crowd around those who had returned but they weren't talking.
When they called CiCi, I felt panicked because she had been sitting at my side since we got there, and I was afraid that she wouldn't return. For a whole thirty minutes I sat staring at the doors, waiting.
I don't think I took a breath until she came back with tears in her eyes, moved through the cafeteria and sat with me.
She'd been very vocal about not being touched since the moment I had met her but when she sat down, she reached for my hand and didn't let it go.
"What is it?" I asked her but she just shook her head and stared forward, not letting me go for a second.
This went on for hours, until way after chapel bells chimed, and the lights out buzzer signaled.
Sometime before midnight, Officer Coleman came in and gathered the staff and monitors, taking them off to the hallway for a good five minutes, before she came back and told us that we were cleared to return to our rooms.
Cici took my hand again, and I didn't make mention of it, it was obvious that she was freaked out, and I was happy that she found comfort in me.
When we got to our room, everything was everywhere, and Cici groaned.
She didn't like her things to be touched, but I didn't mind having to clean at all because it just meant that I wouldn't be running into drugs randomly again.
It wasn't until after we'd finished cleaning, had showered, and then climbed in our beds, that Cici finally spoke. "It was Craig." She said and I froze, clutching my journal in my hand. I looked over at her and she was sitting on her bed, looking pissed off. "I'm not supposed to tell you. They tested our hands and clothes, they went through our lockers. He had residue on his hands. "
"Why?"
"He was trying to set you up, I was in the room when he broke down and admitted it. Something about a Mr. Evans, you needing to go down for your crimes. It was just a litany of bullshit and hate. Some of it was definitely racist and sexist. They arrested him."
"That asshole."
"Officer Coleman was in shock, she kept saying things like Santana is sweet as sugar, why would you want to hurt a sweet thing like that."
And then things became a little clearer to me, Officer Coleman always smirking at me, and giving me that leave-in conditioner, never being too rough with me. Sugar's words came back to me then, she promised that she had someone on the inside watching out for me.
Was it Officer Coleman?
I smiled to myself and shook my head.
"What's done in the dark." I muttered and CiCi nodded.
"Definitely. A few people tested positive for drugs, and they were immediately carted out of here. A few of them were roommates, monitors and patients. It's going to definitely be different around here tomorrow. Dr. Clover told me to stick to your side all day."
"I'd like that."
"Good, not like you have a choice but good to know you won't be crabby about it."
I stuck my tongue out at her and she actually came over and opened her arms.
"What is h-happening?"
"You know I'm not touchy feely, but I think we could both use a hug."
We stood there for only a few moments, soaking in the comfort.
I sighed and pulled away. "Thanks, CiCi."
"Thank you, for being honest tonight and not taking the bait. You make me proud to be your future sponsor."
I gave her a wink and then curled up in bed, falling asleep faster than I had in an eternity.
I felt like everything would be okay, but I knew better than most that the mind can be a fucking trickster.
DAY 70
I'd been walking around in a daze for over a week, with thoughts of those imperfect lines cycling through my mind.
The sight of it had stopped my world, and I was terrified that outside of the protection of rehab, that my willpower wouldn't be so strong.
It got to the point that I was just going through the motions, not really as engaged as I had been. My old façade was in place, and I thought I was doing a good job fooling everyone, because I did everything that I needed to do for people to not be worrying about me.
I thought all was well, right up until I passed out in the middle of the chapel while sweeping a floor that I'd already swept three times in a row.
The one thing that had taken a nosedive in the days since the Craig incident, was my ability to keep food down.
My bulimia was back with a vengeance, and I couldn't make it stop, my gag reflex wasn't even a problem anymore. I'd eat, then go off to the bathroom and quietly vomit while flushing the toilet.
I didn't think it was noticeable until I woke up with CiCi looking at me nervously, as I laid on the floor.
"Oh praise God." She said, reminding me of Mercedes. It made me smile.
"What?" I asked her. "H-Help me up?" I asked her.
"I was told to leave you there until they come."
"Who?"
She was pale.
"Triage."
"No. CiCi...please?" I said holding a shaky hand up to her.
"You're spiraling, Santana, I'm sorry. This is for your own good."
I covered my face as I laid there, with people gawking at me.
They were wondering if I was high or losing my mind, but I was just sick.
I always had been.
This time, triage was a little different, I wasn't in a padded room, just a hospital room.
"Am I going to have to strap you down or are you going to accept this banana bag?" The doctor asked.
I stuck out my arm and looked away from him.
"Please." I whispered. "Ca-Can I go after this?" I said, looking his way again.
"No, you'll have to stay until we get you back to a healthy rhythm."
"Ca-Can I see Cici?" I whimpered, the tears wanting to come but not dropping even a little.
"You are probably the first person who has ever requested their monitor."
"I don't w-want to lose t-time again." I explained.
He looked unsure and then looked over my file.
I was over halfway through the program and the Craig incident was definitely in there. This set back wasn't my fault, I'd been trying.
"Unfortunately, I'm not in the place to make program decisions. The only person that can make changes to your program is Dr. Clover and she is out sick today, so you're going to have to at least spend the night in here. I will have her come see you when she returns."
"Th-Thank you."
"I can, however, see if Cecilia is willing to spend the time with you here and help keep you on track."
I nodded as my exhaustion started to take me under.
Sleep had been something I'd been avoiding, which is part of the reason that I passed out. I'd been wired for days, too freaked out by my dreams of Craig hovering over me with Mr. Evans by his side. It felt so real and then the food all tasted like bacon...like going down on Mr. Evans, it made me too sick to eat.
And then it got easier to throw up, so I'd force it down knowing that I'd be rid of it soon.
Eating disorders weren't a light switch...it was more of a dial...you could turn it up and turn it down, but you could never really turn it off...just like addiction.
My body had fallen out of sync, this electrolyte and nutrient infusion wasn't a new thing. I'd been getting them every once in a while, since I was 11, it was just this unspoken thing in my family. Papi would bring home the bags and I would stick them in.
Thinking back on it now, I couldn't imagine doing that with my kids.
I'd been conditioned in so many screwed up ways and it was taking serious time to change them.
But I had to be willing, and I was.
Dr. Clover was away for three days which meant that I was in triage until she came sweeping into the ward, her face slimmer and her eyes sharper. Gone was the giggly therapist I had come to know.
"Are you ok?" I asked her when she came in with her trusty tablet and CiCi on her heels.
"This isn't about me, Santana. I was gone for three days. What happened?"
I told her about my nightmares and then I told her about my history with Mr. Evans and how I unfortunately connected him to food. She looked a little squeamish after that, as she checked my vitals.
Then she murmured something to CiCi, who left immediately.
"Tell me wh-what's wrong." I said to her.
"My father passed, we weren't close, but I was his only child. I needed to handle the arrangements."
"That's tough." I said.
"You're not going to say sorry?" I looked at her and rolled my eyes.
"I lost my dad too, re-remember? I kn-know that the apologies don't he-help."
"Touché."
The doctor came in with his tablet and a smile.
"Hi, Jenn. It's good to see you."
"Thanks, Mark. Can you do a final vital check on Mrs. Lopez, I'll be taking her back to gen pop."
"No problem."
Day 84
June 21, 2013
Hi Henry,
Today I'm 20, it feels good to bring it in sober. Mami has promised that we can celebrate my birthday big time when I get home but really, all I want is to be with my kids again.
My focus is narrowing. I'm preparing myself for a different reality than the one that I left.
In six more days, I start the last thirty days of rehab. It should have been Doc warns that it might be harder than the first thirty, but I just can't imagine how. After this next phase I will get to go home.
That's my only expectation and I won't do anything to jeopardize that.
-S
It was just after dawn when I finished my journal entry. My head was clear, and my body was clean, for the first time in my recent memory all I wanted to do was run.
Instead, I left CiCi a note and changed into a clean uniform. I grabbed Ian's rosary and my journal before making my way down the semi-lit hallway.
Deidre at the reception desk smiled at me and waved me over.
"Good morning, sunshine, you're up early."
"I know, w-wanted to get some Jesus time alone."
"Well don't let me stop you, just wanted to give you this." She handed me a sticker that said Birthday Girl on it. "Happy Birthday.
I teared up.
"Thanks."
I kept moving down the hall and stuck the sticker onto my top. Today I was 20 and I was going to soak it up for what it was.
A fresh start.
The smell of stale incense and paper enveloped my senses as I stepped into the chapel.
A chill went through me, and I felt the tears in my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. I dipped my fingers in the holy water and then crossed myself.
Taking a moment to thank God for another turn around the sun.
I felt so grateful to be there at that moment because life was so fragile and could be gone in a moment's notice.
At any age. I could have died so many times at that point, but God saw fit to keep me here for some greater purpose that I hadn't quite figured out.
But I was grateful to be sober and in my right mind.
Once I got to my favorite pew up in the front, I dropped to my knees and pulled out Ian's rosary, Doc was allowing me to hold onto only for that day. I began reciting the Holy Wounds prayer and then a few Hail Mary's. I rounded them out with an Our Father and then once I got all that Catholic rigidity out of me, I went rogue.
"Father, Mother, God, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't say it enough. Thank you." I sighed out as the tears leaked down my face.
There was a presence next to me and just from that familiar smell, I knew I was dreaming...there was just no way.
I had six days left before I could have visitors, and it was barely morning, but when I turned my face there was Britt, smiling at me softly. Her hair was cut short like mine, and her eyes were red rimmed.
"Hi baby."
"How are you here?"
"I got special permission from the judge. After everything that's been going on here with Craig and then you getting sick, Dr. Clover and your mom helped me convince the judge that you could use some time with me."
"But...we...that guy." I said, feeling stuck on stupid.
"Today is about you. No matter what is going on with whoever, you are my wife, and I am here to be with you. To spend the day with you, to connect."
She pulled me into her arms, and I wept against her shoulder. Britt kept kissing my hair and my face, not saying anything more.
It was nearly the best gift I could ask for...the best being my kids.
"The kids?" I asked.
"Couldn't come. She only approved me, something about overwhelming you."
I nodded as I pulled away.
"Thanks, B."
Britt was allowed to visit but she wasn't supposed to disrupt my program, so she had to sit and watch me do my chores. I couldn't stop smiling as she sat watching me, as I relit incense, refilled the holy water, and swept the chapel.
Her eyes lit up when she saw me lovingly wiping down the piano keys.
"Have you been playing?" She asked from just behind me. I startled and hit a key loudly.
"Yes."
"Good."
She kissed my shoulder and then looked at her watch.
"Wha-What time, is it?"
"It's eight." Her eyes were sparkling, and I was swooning, even though I shouldn't have been. She was sleeping with someone else, and I should have been broken, but it was B. I couldn't be mad at her. "Your stutter is nearly gone, Ana…that's amazing."
"I have speech therapy f-four times a week."
"It's really helping. So what's next?"
"You're really doing my day w-with me?"
"Yup...part of the sell is that I get to have therapy with you."
"Oh boy." I muttered.
"What?"
"She's going to make me talk about our a-arrangement."
"Arrangement?"
We were holding hands now as I led her from the chapel towards the cafeteria.
"You exploring while I'm here."
"Oh." She said and then she changed the subject and I let her. "That's a cool sticker."
"Thanks."
Our avoidance of the topic brought me back to old school Brittana, we used to dance around the issue of us so much that it became a habit even after we got together. I understood it in that moment though, it was early morning, and it was my birthday.
She wasn't going to stoke my flames.
Smart of her.
"Did you eat already?" I asked her and she nodded.
"Bagel and coffee."
"From the cart?" I asked.
"Yup and your old friend must have found a new corner, he's gone."
"Good." I said leading her to my usual booth where CiCi was already sitting, drinking coffee and reading through her notes. "Sit here with CiCi, I'll be r-right back."
"Hi." CiCi said, "Nice to meet you in person." She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "Stay on plan, Santana."
"I know." I rolled my eyes.
"And Happy Birthday."
"Thanks."
I headed to the cafeteria line and swiped my bracelet. Now that I had gone through triage with a relapse, my meal plan was already picked for me. I had lost the right to choose. Which was fine, one less thing to worry about.
My eyes were on the strips of bacon on my plate, it had to be a mistake. I was feeling close to a panic attack when I got back to the booth. I sat next to B, and she saw my face.
"Did they mean to give her bacon?" She asked CiCi. "She hasn't eaten that in years."
Cici looked up at me and then my plate.
"That's specifically NOT in your plan, I'll be right back." She picked up my tray and stormed back to the counter, it was the first time I had seen Cici get worked up, since the Craig incident. She was actually having words with the person back there.
"Is she always so ready to fight for you?" B asked.
"No. This is new. She's sh-showing off."
"Maybe she just wants you to have a perfect day...or close to one."
"Maybe."
Britt took my hand in hers and brought it to her lips. "I missed you."
"I missed you too." I leaned my head on her shoulder while CiCi brought the tray back with turkey sausage and a scone that hadn't been there before.
"There you go, he's new back there...got you a free scone, so you're hitting the caloric intake you need."
"Thanks, Cici."
"No biggie. Try to tone down the PDA, wouldn't want to spark any issues around here. It's still a Catholic facility."
I sat up but did not let Britt's hand go and I wouldn't. I needed this bit of grounding and CiCi was just going to have to deal.
We finished up group and then had lunch back in my room.
CiCi was letting us have alone time and the moment we were alone, Britt gripped my cheeks and kissed me hard.
She ground her knee against me, and I moaned into her mouth.
Having a roommate kept me from rubbing it out on the daily, my showers were even monitored so this was the first time I was getting any action since I left home.
"I love you." She said, her forehead resting against mine. "I'm so happy I could be here."
"Me too."
She pulled me towards the couch, and we ate together, with our pinkies linked. After we ate, we just stared into each other's eyes as we held hands.
"You look amazing, Ana. I don't think I have ever seen you look so healthy."
"Fat." I joked.
"Don't do that...no deflecting. You look beautiful." Britt scolded.
"Okay, okay."
"Can I tell you something?" She suddenly looked nervous.
"Yes. Anything, B."
"I'm kinda glad that I had to leave the kids at home...I'm happy to get you all to myself for the day. I missed us. Things are so different without you."
"Just a little longer." I said and then I leaned closer and kissed her.
She took over the kiss and laid me back on the couch, her body hovering over mine as she pressed her knee more firmly between my thighs.
"I want you so bad."
"Me too...but we can't." I said giving her a soft smile.
"Why not, we're alone?"
I shook my bracelet at her.
"If my heart r-rate gets too high, they'll know...also...that." I pointed behind her towards the ceiling above my bed. She turned around and saw the camera.
She looked back at me and raised her eyebrows.
"It's not like we haven't had sex on tape before?" She teased.
"No thanks." I said and then kissed her lips again. "This has to be en-enough for now."
She kissed me hard and then pulled us back into a sitting position.
"How about I play you some videos then?"
"It's not porn, is it?"
She faked being shocked.
"No."
She let me curl up against her and then she played videos of the kids.
We sat like that for a long time until a buzzer went off on my wrist.
"What's that?"
"Dr. Clover. T-Time for my one-on-one."
"Oh wow. That's the first time it buzzed though."
"Because she's paging me. Probably th-thinks we're doing it."
Britt blushed and I winked.
"So I guess this is it, I have to leave soon...this day went way too fast." She pouted.
"I know."
"Time does fly by when you're having fun, I guess."
"Come on, B. Let's go get in-interrogated."
She kissed me again before we left the room, pinkies linked.
Is it weird that this was my favorite birthday?
Just us, existing...no pressure or tension.
Everything felt just right.
The center had been really trying to make the Craig incident up to me or maybe it was doc. Whoever it was, in the last few weeks a couch and recliner had shown up in the music room.
Our sessions were now just in that room, without question.
When I showed up there with Britt's finger entwined in mine, Dr. Clover was already there with her tablet and a cupcake.
"Happy Birthday, Santana. I had mine already, I'm pregnant and you took too long."
"Thank you." I took it and wiped at my tears.
"You have gotten sappy, my girl." She said to me.
"I know."
"Brittany, it's good to see you in person."
"Same."
"So, the way this works is that I give Santana music homework and she writes a song...then she plays at the beginning of our session, and we talk about it. This week, her topic is finding her happy in the midst of a storm."
"Nice." B said as she sat on the couch. I took a big bite of my cupcake and groaned, it was red velvet, my favorite. I handed the other half to B.
"Finish that for me."
I expected one of them to comment on my inability to eat a whole cupcake by myself, but B just happily bit into the cupcake while doc gestured towards the piano.
"Get to it. Brittany turns back into a pumpkin after this session."
Britt grinned, getting the reference, of course.
I dropped a kiss on Britt's lips and wiped away the crumbs from the cupcake before heading to the piano.
My journal sat on the stand as I shook out my nerves. I could count on one hand, the amount of times I had ever played for Britt, and it made me nervous. What if she was like Mami and hated the song?
Manage your expectations, Lopez. I reminded myself before turning back to the song that I had finally finished.
I played the melody and Dr. Clover clapped.
"I was hoping you'd play this one."
"Shh." Britt said to her, and doc zipped her lips and tossed the imaginary key over her shoulder.
And it hit me then, why I loved my therapist...she was so much like all the best parts of B.
I took a deep breath and just let my fingers fly and my voice lift.
Britt obviously was in awe of the song that I had written, because when I stopped playing, she was crying really hard.
I left my journal behind and went back towards the couch.
Dr. Clover sat idly by while I knelt in front of B and pulled her hands away.
"You, okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. I'm good."
When I looked in her eyes, I could see the guilt.
"B?"
"I...just...you love me so much." She said, taking a deep breath.
"Of course I do." I wiped her tears away and kissed her lips.
The return kiss was quick and even that felt off.
"I just don't deserve you." She whispered.
"This again?"
"Just forget it...don't let me ruin your session." She said, taking a deep breath. "Sit with me."
I was so confused as I sat with B, this was not the reaction that I was hoping for.
"Brittany you're leaving in a half hour and as much as you want to move on, we both know that Santana isn't going to rest until she knows what's going on." Dr. Clover said.
Britt bit her lip, and they shared a look. I looked between them and had the sudden inkling that I was the only one in the room that was clueless about her mini breakdown.
"Was the song bad?" I asked.
"No, baby. It was beautiful...perfect. You're doing so well. I'm so proud of you."
She was definitely guilty.
Was this about the guy?
That was just a fling...but had it become more?
My head was quickly filling up with scenarios, but I tamped down on them and just tried to breathe.
"Thanks."
"I'm serious, the kids are going to get the real you all the time, it's amazing."
"It's been hard, but I'm really making pr-progress and I really can see beyond my addiction and my issues."
"That's great."
"I can't wait to come home and show you...Ho-Hopefully, I still have you to come back to." I said, the words coming out without my meaning them to.
We'd agreed that whatever it was would end when I got home but now, I was hinting at something else because I could still read B...even when I didn't want to.
Britt looked at me in shock and went pale.
"Did someone tell you something? Did you talk to Q?" she said as she chewed her fingernail.
"No one t-told me anything. Did it b-become more?" I reached for her hand, but she shook her head and looked away.
She took a breath and then gripped her thighs.
"I was using this time to decide if I really wanted to stay married."
"So this is more than you fe-feeling guilty about sleeping with him?" She shrugged her shoulders but then looked back at me.
"I think so. I thought I knew what I wanted but then today, you were the girl I fell for all over again. I am still yours, Ana, proudly so."
"But you're falling in love w-with him?" I asked when I could finally swallow the tears that were threatening to come. "Be h-honest, please?"
She dropped her head and nodded. "I am, but my feelings for you haven't changed." She whispered. "It's your birthday and I didn't want to make it about him...not today. Then you played that song, and the guilt was so heavy. I could have not told you-"
And I cut her off.
"I wish you hadn't. I wish you had lied at le-least today." I wrapped my arms around myself.
"Do you want me to end it? You told me to explore and that's what I'm doing. I'm with him because of you." I looked at her in disbelief...was she really saying that to me?
"Wow. Okay."
I looked over at Dr. Clover, who didn't seem surprised. Did she know about this?
Fuck them both.
I stood up and marched over to the piano, snatching up my journal. I ripped the song out of my book and brought it back and handed it to B.
She looked down at my words and then back at me.
"What do you want me to do?" She asked me.
"You do wh-what you n-need to do, B. I'm glad I know wh-where I stand in all of this."
"He knows that it's temporary. I love you. That's why I'm here."
I laughed in disbelief.
She was really trying to make this about her?
I felt like the world had turned on its axis and things were backwards.
"I was stu-stupid to tell you to explore. I can-can't go th-through this again, B. I was ho-hoping that we were finally getting back to us."
"In order to do that...we would have to go back to the start."
"Again?"
Dr. Clover was taking notes and I both wanted her to intervene and stay out of it.
She finally spoke.
"Brittany, you and Santana are different people than those girls who fell in love. Life has changed for you both. Do you really think you could go back to the start again?"
"Well, no not now...not while she is in here and I'm out there."
"With him." I muttered.
"Well...yea."
"Santana, breathe." Dr. Clover said as I began to pace, wiping angrily at my tears.
I stopped and stared Brittany down.
"I can't accept that. Let's just call this what it is." I said.
"Are you...breaking up with me? Like for real after you pushed me to do this? Don't...do this. We are married...this can't be it...like for good, please?" She looked at me wide eyed and in shock.
"Wh-When I leave here...my court stuff is behind me. I'm taking the kids and I'm moving back to Lima." I said with an air of finality...as if it had been my plan all along.
"You can't do that." she said looking hurt and defeated.
"I can and I will. Let's face it...you and I are tied to each other, but we need this. You need to go off and live your life. You need to be free. I just need to focus on me and our kids for once. Go ahead and be with him. I give you, my blessing."
"I don't want your blessing...I want you." Britt said with a little force behind her voice.
"Wh-When was the last time that you took your meds, B?" I asked as I looked in her eyes. I could see the anger that filled her and was happy that Dr. Clover was there.
"Apparently, that's not your business anymore." she sniffed and rubbed at her eyes.
"As long as you are around the kids...I need to know."
"Fine...I stopped taking them in April. When I started seeing Grady."
"That's his name...Grady?"
"Yea. He dances...he's our leading man. I've been very quiet about it. I really didn't want anyone to know."
"B-Because you didn't want it to get back to me?"
"No, because I wanted to be respectful of our marriage and it's just temporary."
"Yea? I don't th-think so."
Dr. Clover tried getting me to talk but I asked if I could just play.
So that's what I did, I ignored them both and played through my tears. I didn't want her to stay another second, but she insisted on staying until the top of the hour.
Even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend because even though we were done, it was still my birthday.
When time was up, Britt hugged me tight.
"It's temporary and I'll never stop fighting for you."
"We sh-shouldn't have to fight." I whispered.
"Nothing worth fighting for is easy." She said.
"You sound like Ari."
"She's wise and I know you're mad and hurt but I need you to know I love you."
"I love you too."
"He won't be around...it's temporary."
"Who are you tr-trying to convince, B?"
"What?"
"Look...tell yourself what you w-want...you just need to t-take your meds."
"I'll think about it."
"Please, B?" I asked as I traced my fingers over my neck, her eyes lingered there, and then she was looking at me apologetically.
The alarm chimed, and she looked relieved.
"I gotta go. I love you." She said, then kissed my lips. I felt close to breaking as I stood there, with Dr. Clover at my side, while Britt left the room.
"Happy fucking b-birthday to me." I muttered.
"Keep playing, Santana. Put the pain into words."
I nodded and went back to playing, happy that Dr. Clover wasn't going to analyze this.
At least not today.