Chapter 4: Where Did It Go Wrong? (Anthony Hamilton)
Santana's POV
Once the kids were asleep, I sat in the guest room and spent the next few hours studying. My head was killing me and my stomach was growling but I just needed to focus.
Then my phone buzzed over and over, forcing me to look away from my laptop.
"Yes?" I barked into the phone.
"You're awake."
"I am."
"Can you sneak out?"
"How did you know I was awake?"
"Because it's 10:30 and there's a light on in Sue's guest room."
"Fabray, stalking is a crime."
"Your point?"
"I can't sneak out of Sue's house."
"You can and you will. I already cleared it with her."
I sighed. "Of course you did, once a kiss ass, always a kiss ass."
"You love me."
"Where are we going?"
"Just put on some jeans and one of those nice pair of shoes."
"Where?"
"Scandals, just me and you."
"So your best fr-friend gets out of rehab and you want to take her to a bar?"
"Yes. You're not a drunk but Rachel is, so I can't take her. Please? I need to dance."
"Fine but only for two hours. The baby might sense my freedom and wakeup. My leash is tight now that I'm b-back."
"You got it, babe."
I lasted exactly one whole hour, dancing with Quinn in the club before I was ready to get the hell out of there.
Why?
Sugar.
"There she is!" She screamed across the room, an arm over some floozy's shoulders and a drink in her hand. She moved towards us, dragging that poor girl along until that same girl got sight of me and shoved Sugar away.
If it hadn't been for Quinn's Cheerio instincts still intact, Sugar would have had the most embarrassing fall in Scandal history.
Honestly, it would probably be the only REAL scandal that they'd seen in the rundown hole in the wall.
"I missed you." Sugar said, dancing her way between me and Quinn, her breasts pressed against mine.
"Did you?"
"I did."
"Did Officer Coleman look out for you like I paid her to?" Sugar asked and I raised my eyebrow.
"Don't think your pop taught you to talk about deals like that." I said, leaning in closer.
"He didn't but I run the business now, smarter than he ever did."
"That's what they all s-say."
"So do we get to pick things up where we left them?"
"Maybe."
Quinn shot me a glare and I shrugged.
It's not like Britt cared, so long as I wasn't posting shit online.
And well...she was knocked up, so she wasn't one to make demands of me.
She was on time out for as long as it took for her to get her shit together and I wasn't going to bend on that.
"Maybe?"
"Yes." I said and then she buried her free hand in my hair and pressed her lips to mine.
The sickly sweet taste of the vodka on her tongue made my stomach lurch and I pushed her off me.
"What I do?!"
"If you wants up on this...it can't be like this."
"Oh shit, you really are serious about being sober this time."
"I am."
"Okay." She threw her hands up. "I will be sober whenever we fuck. Promise."
How could she make such a vulgar statement sound so damned innocent?
I needed out.
"You ready?" Q asked and I nodded.
"God, yes."
The next night, Sugar picked me up from my meeting and I had to call Quinn to cover for me with Sue.
But Sue told me to stop being a child and to go off and find whatever sober happiness I could.
Sugar showed up looking way more subdued than the last time, her smile was genuine and she brought me long stem roses.
Sue seemed impressed and I just felt so thrown off by just how sweet she was being.
"Are you hungry?" She asked. "I got takeout from Breadstix."
"Feed me and fuck me, is that what you are up to?"
She grinned and kissed me right there in Sue's living room before slipping her arm into mine.
"Have her home by midnight." Sue barked.
"Yes, ma'am."
We went back to her place, it was ostentatious and a bit gaudy just like her.
But I only saw the living room because she was on her knees, pressing me against the door and shoving her face against my panties like I was a fucking feast.
I froze...but then she looked up at me and pulled back.
"Remember that we go at your pace, I will stop whenever you want."
How many times had I never been allowed to consent?
Santana Lopez never says no...especially not the Santana Lopez who was an escort and a fucking sex slave to Marco...and sometimes to Britt's darker whims. This though was on me.
I wrapped my fingers around her top knot and yanked her forward.
"Don't stop."
And she didn't.
Lord, help me she didn't until I was practically a puddle on the floor.
It wasn't until she was up for another round and my stomach growled embarrassingly loud that she remembered that she was the only one that had eaten.
She took me to the dining room and then we had a super formal dinner, with too many forks and not enough conversation.
"How's Carmen?"
"No idea. She took the kid and left in the middle of the night."
"Again?"
"Right, she did that to you too. She's good for that. I'm sure she is wherever she was before, Pop knew all about that but he won't tell me. He's all about protecting her and the baby."
"And you?"
"Not so much, people think I'm too stupid to take over."
"Is that your secret weapon?"
She winked at me and the moment that the food was done, she pressed her lips to mine. We made out like school girls and when I pulled away, I so wanted to be looking into those fucking blue eyes.
"You miss her?" Sugar said, before wiping her red lipstick off my lips.
"I do."
"Right person, wrong time. That's the story of you two. I always shipped Brittana...or Quinntana, you and Q are super hot together."
I grinned and shrugged.
"It will always be Britt...she's my person."
"I get that and..." She trailed off and looked down at her hands.
"W-What?"
"I had that."
I couldn't hold in my cackle.
"You sly minx, who?"
"Don't laugh."
"No promises."
"Carmen. Before she left, we starting getting closer and I was sharing her bed every night, I was taking care of the baby every day. We went on dates and we made plans about when the time was right and enough time had passed, we'd become more but then everything went to shit and she left."
"You haven't heard from her?"
"No."
Seeing Sugar sad on what was supposed to be me finding some bit of happiness, gave me pause.
"Can I be on top?" I asked her and she grinned.
"No but nice try." She laughed and then pounced on me.
Her sadness was forgotten for the moment.
Afterward, she showered with me, gave me some of Carmen's old clothes, and then made sure to feed me before dropping me off at Sue's.
Both she and Quinn waited for me, twin looks of interest on their faces but I just took Daniela into my arms and didn't indulge them.
Some things just had to be for me and me only.
Two days passed before I actually went to a meeting.
I had been completely immersed in just getting settled and getting used to being a mother of two practically all on my own.
By the time that I got through the meeting, I realized that I was in worse shape than I realized.
I sat on the church steps, feeling overcome with all the emotions, and finally reached out to my lifeline.
Hi.-Santana
I've been waiting.-CiCi
Just went to my first meeting. I'm slipping-Santana
My phone rang immediately.
"Hey." I whispered, my throat feeling tight.
"Define, slipping."
"I just feel overwhelmed, I went fr-from only worrying about myself, my routine, and now I'm juggling the kids, myself, my eating...I need a break."
"Where are you now?"
"Church."
"Who do you trust that can get to you quickly?" I sat there looking around and wanted to skip the closest person because the last thing that she needed was to see me like this. "The town isn't that big."
"Susan. My mother-in-law."
"Call her, ask her to come to meet you, and then call me back."
"Okay."
The line went dead and I sat there, getting myself together. Taking deep breaths and then I called Susan.
"Santana?"
"Hi, Mom." I said, and then my voice was shaky, "Are you b-busy?"
"Just folding some laundry. What is it? Are the kids okay?"
"Can you...come get me?"
"Okay." I heard her keys and then she let out a little hum. "Where are you?"
"St. Andrews."
"Ok, sweetie, I'm on my way. Stay on the phone."
She's got me on the phone until she gets here.-Santana
Okay. Good. Text me and let me know you're safe-Cici
Susan pulled up the wide path of the church and stopped her car just feet away from the front steps.
Once I was wrapped in her arms all of my shakings went away. She was a balm for whatever part of me that was feeling unhinged.
"Just breathe, honey. I'm here."
She held me for a long time and then she called Quinn, who had my kids, and asked her to pack them up and drop them off at her house in an hour.
Once I was in the car, Susan began to drive in the opposite direction of her house and out onto the highway.
"Where are we going?"
"Just driving, honey."
"Okay."
"Do you want to tell me what you're carrying?"
"Aside from everything?"
"Santana, taking care of these babies isn't going to break you. I know, I did it and I know you. They are probably your saving grace. You might be tired but being a mom isn't going to be the thing that drives you back to drugs...unless...is it?"
"No. I am sober for them, they need me and I d-don't want to ever be without them again."
"That's what I thought."
"She..." I hesitated because I shouldn't be the one but it was weighing on me.
"Brittany?"
"Yes."
"What about her?"
"She's pre-pregnant by HIM."
Susan swerved and then she was using her blinker and pulling to the side of the highway.
"Wow."
"I know."
"How are you?"
"Devastated but like a hy-hypocrite. She got on her knees and pr-practically begged me to help her through this...and I...I..." I turned towards the window and let the tears come.
"Denied her?"
"Yes."
"Is it because of him?"
"He re-reminds me of M-Marco. I didn't want to t-tell her this but I...fuck...he sc-scares me."
"Is my baby in danger, Santana?"
"I don't think he'd h-hurt her. Not ph-physically."
"Oh, God."
"I'm sorry. I sh-should have told you sooner."
"No, she should have. This isn't your burden to carry."
"But she stepped up with the kids. Why can't I?"
"You feel guilty, have you talked to her about this?"
"No."
"Maybe you should, love." She pulled me into a hug and we cried together.
Susan insisted that I stay over with the kids for the night and just laying in a bed that still smelled faintly of my wife made the unrest in my belly settle.
Even at that moment, Britt unraveled my knots.
I miss you.-Ana
I sent her a picture of me laying in her bed and her response was immediate.
We fell in love right in that spot-Britt
Did we?-Ana
Well I did.-Britt
I miss you too-Britt
Promise me that if he becomes like Marco you'll tell me?-Ana
I stared at my phone so long that I fell asleep and didn't wake up until a weight settled next to me and began to purr.
"Eww, Tubbs!" I jumped back and the cat, I swear smirked at my discomfort.
I glanced at my phone and still had no response, which didn't sit right with me.
So I called her and immediately was forwarded to voicemail.
I was about to call the next best thing but then I heard a thump and a cry from across the hall.
"Shit!" I dropped the phone and sprinted across the hall to Court's room.
Isaac was sitting on the floor with his arms up, wailing. From the looks of it he had flipped out of the crib and he had a rug burn on his little chin. I kissed it and then sat there rocking him in my arms until he was calm.
Talk about a firm reminder of where my priorities needed to be at all times.
"Can I have them on weekends?" Susan asked me over waffles and the sound of Rob singing to the kids.
"You can have them whenever you want."
"How about now?"
"We're already here."
"No. I mean, you go back to Sue's and let me have them for a few days. You'll get a break and can drop in at any time."
"Um...okay..."
"Do you need more time to pump?"
"Well, yeah, kinda. All of my re-reserve is at Sue's."
"Go ahead and feed her, then we can leave them with their Pop-Pop, I'll run you over there and you can send me back with whatever you need."
"Okay. We can do that."
"Thank you, Santana."
"Anytime. They are YOUR grandbabies."
"Damn right they are."
I already felt much lighter with Susan knowing all the nonsense that was going on and when we headed to Sue's I clued her in on my texts with Britt the night before and she promised me that she'd call her until she got her on the phone.
And then, I gave her Ari's number and told her that she would make sure Britt got on the phone if push came to shove.
Being back at Sue's without the kids felt so weird.
She was out with Tor and I was left with a big old house to myself.
I did my usual thing when people left me with their shit, I went through it.
Only, I wasn't going to leave it everywhere, I at least just looked.
Then, when that proved super boring, I did a few more hours of school work before needing entertainment.
"I'm bored." I muttered to Q.
"Did you do what Sandra asked yet?"
"No. I didn't want to bug you, I know how much you are enjoying being the only tenant."
"Well, as the only tenant in a free apartment, I have a few notes."
"Seriously, Q?"
"Uh, yes. There is a rodent or two. You also have chipping paint and my toilet only flushes liquids. I need to break into your apartment, the only one that isn't a shithole, mind you...just to take a shit."
"Oh gross."
"Yeah, so unless you are planning to be a slumlord, maybe come do something constructive and hire a super or something."
"I'm on my way."
"Great! Girls night in your place?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Are my babies still with Susan?"
"Um...yeah."
"Good. Get over here."
"A-Actually, I haven't gone to get my car at the house yet."
"I'll come to get you but you have got to push past this fear and drive already...you used to love driving."
"Things change."
"Apparently. I'll see you in ten, we can raid Sue's fridge since I'm low on junk food."
"She eats like a rabbit."
"Like hell she does, you just have to know where to look."
And that's how we ended up going on an extensive search of Sue's office and found the fucking motherlode.
We kept flinching every time we heard a noise, of course, because Sue had conditioned us to have fear.
But fuck it.
I could never say no to Red Vines.
Sue gave me exactly one and half weeks before she got tired of seeing me being inactive and forced me to get the kids dressed, before dragging me out the door.
"Looks like I have my work cut out for me! How did you get this out of shape Lopez...I'm shocked."
I was bent over at the edge of the track after running only one mile.
"Well, coach..." I choked back a breath "I had two st-strokes...I had a kid...I had surgery on my heart...and I am a re-recovering drug addict."
"Which is why I thought you would be skinnier." she barked at me as she held my son in her arms. "I know you relapsed with food, I won't badger you about your pudge. I'm disappointed that you're this jacked up after a year!"
"I don't need this pressure, Sue." I said curtly as I gulped down the water.
"Actually you do, that's why you are here, if you wanted to be coddled you would be back in New York or with your mother."
I stood there looking at her feeling a bit shell-shocked.
"Tor...get down here and remind Santana here how to run this track."
Tor stood from the bottom bleacher and handed me, Daniela, before leaning over and stretching.
"Don't let her fool you, Ana, she is just as excited to have you here as you are to be here...she missed you," Tor said before standing up and looking at her adoptive mother. "Be nice, Sue." She said with a smirk before taking off around the track at a speed that was fast but not faster than my fastest.
"I know you think you can outrun her, Lopez, and maybe at some point you could but right now...you aren't running half as fast as you used to. You're not in good shape."
"How do I get back there? What's it going to take?"
"Stop carrying that extra weight around." She said as she shifted Isaac to her other hip and turned to glare at me. Only she wasn't glaring, she looked genuinely concerned.
"I'm trying."
"I'm not talking about the fat...I can get that off you. What I'm talking about is you carrying around Brittany. You have to stop worrying about her."
"I'm here, aren't I?" I crossed my arms over my chest and glared.
"Maybe physically. Look, Lopez...I know this is difficult for you. I do care about my trinity. It kills me to see you all at odds. This though...can't be fixed unless you stop depending so much on Brittany."
"I'm not!" I said, rolling my eyes.
"You are and you know it.
"She has a drive...that's why she lasted as a Cheerio. Nothing stands in that girl's way. Nothing. You could learn something from that."
"I don't think I have ever heard anyone say that about Britt. I mean she almost flunked her senior year." I tried to argue.
"But she didn't...she knew that you and the baby needed her so she got it together and graduated."
"You're right."
"Of course I am...now...why don't you take your son here and walk around the track...at his pace...I see we are going to have to build up your stamina."
She put Isaac down and then took Daniela from me. It somehow wasn't as weird as I thought it would be to see her with my kids. It seemed like a softer side of her appeared. I'm sure this what it was like when her sister was still alive.
"You got it, coach."
She smiled as she headed over to the bleachers with the baby. Tor was still running as if this is what she did all day, every day. I held onto Isaac's little hand and began to walk with him. I heard footsteps coming up behind me and went to move but they slowed and fell in step with me.
"Mind if I walk with you?" Tor said as she readjusted her ponytail.
"I'd like that actually."
I definitely needed to catch up with her. She had gotten shoved to the back burner when all that shit went down back in September. At least Sal made sure she went somewhere safe.
I couldn't think of anyone that would protect Ian's little sister like Sue could...not even me.
"So...have you thought of going by the cemetery?"
Wow.
"No...actually...I haven't. I w-wasn't sure if I could handle it."
"I get that."
"Have you been?"
"A few times but not too much. Sue wants me to focus on living in the present."
"Yeah...listen to her." I looked at her and could see her nod. "Sue is a major part of why I even survived to graduation. She's a hard ass...but she's amazing."
"I was so freaked when your lawyer told me that she was hoping to adopt me. I was like...oh crap...but then I thought about it...she's a lot like you were in high school and I actually like you. So I gave it a shot. She's been nothing but awesome. She's tough on me and doesn't cut me any slack but, I also know that I can trust her with everything. I talk to her about everything and she puts school Sue aside."
"I know what you mean."
"Look...I know that you weren't like in love with my brother or anything...but I was wondering...um...did you love him at all?"
"Of course. Yes! I loved Ian so much and I tried to be in love with him...but I'm gay and I'm in love with Brittany...hopelessly so."
"Yea...that's what I thought...I just had to ask. I mean you did get pregnant by him...twice which means you had to have slept with him at least that much."
"Me and your brother...it was complicated. He loved me...he was in love with me. He decided that he was before I met him. When I found that out...I used it against him. He should have hated me but he didn't. He just kept right on loving me. And when I used him again...he was still there. So when I went to him and asked him to get me pregnant...again. He didn't even question my motives. He just looked at me straight in the eyes and told me that he would give me whatever I wanted. I hated myself afterward because the look in his eyes was always one of longing and I just kept on tormenting him...dangling love in front of him and then running back to Brittany."
"Why?" I heard the sniffle and looked over at her.
My heart dropped. Her whole face was red and wet with tears.
"I was stupid. I mean...I don't regret my kids...I love them. I love having a piece of him with me. He was...is...my guardian angel. I wish that I could have fallen in love with him. I really do."
"If Brittany has hurt you so much why do you keep going back to her? My brother would have never hurt you."
"For the same reason that Ian kept coming back to me."
"And that is?"
"It's better to have her in some capacity than to not have her at all. Simple as that."
"That's crazy."
"Love is crazy...you'll see. The heart wants what it wants and you can fool yourself with all the beards and sex that you want but at the end of the day nothing matters but being with that person that makes your heart happy."
"Do you blame yourself for his death?"
"I do."
"So does my mom...but can I tell you...that Ian...he had a lot of demons and I don't think you could have saved him. I think that you prolonged his life for that extra year but in the end, there was nothing anyone could have done."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because this wasn't the first time he attempted suicide...this was just the first time that he was successful."
I stopped walking and felt my heart thudding in my throat.
"What?"
She turned around and grabbed Isaac's hand and pulled him along. He looked up at me and I nodded and began to walk with them.
"Walk, Mami?" he said softly.
"Yes, Papa, walking."
"Nice." he said before laughing to himself.
"The night of the party...before Azimio made him go...he had tried to down a whole bunch of pills but I caught him when he had already taken about four...he still had a handful. When he saw my face...he stopped and that's when Azimio showed up."
"Wow."
"Then after that...the night you called Azimio...and told him about the baby...just before then, my mother had found him with that gun and put him out of the house. He ended up at Azimio's and that's when you called."
"After that?"
"He didn't try again until that day...when you were around...he didn't look the same...he was happy...he had a purpose. You and Isaac. When he found out about the new baby, he was so thrilled...but then that stuff happened and he couldn't take it anymore."
"What stuff? What happened just before then?"
"A lot happened."
"Tell me Tor, please?" I looked over at her and could see that this was really hard for her.
"He found out...that...Uncle Thomas...my father...was his father too."
"No." I whispered as I stopped again. This time though I scooped up Isaac and walked slowly back towards the bleachers.
"Santana?" I stopped where I was and turned back towards Ian's little sister. She looked at me with a hurt expression. "That doesn't make a difference right? I'm not diseased because of who my father is...so neither was Ian, right?" she was begging me to help her through one of the biggest struggles in her life.
She regretted being the spawn of that man but she had always known so for her it wasn't the end of the world but Ian worshiped his father and his Da. This broke his heart. He couldn't deal with that kind of truth.
"It was too heavy for him but no...you aren't diseased. We can't help who our parents are. You aren't diseased Tor." I was back in front of her and was walking again with an arm thrown over her shoulders.
"You mean that?"
"I do. You are not diseased."
"That's good to hear."
"So is it true? Is Thomas his father?"
"No."
"How do you know that?"
"After he died my mom admitted that she was just trying to make him upset."
"Well, she succeeded. Didn't she?"
"A little too well."
"I second that."
I was putting Isaac down for the night and was preparing to feed the baby when my phone rang. I wasn't going to answer it but at the last second, I decided that I should.
It was Quinn.
"You know it's bedtime right?" I said as I got the baby situated.
"This is important."
"How important?"
"Britt's here."
"What?" I froze and looked around as if she was going to materialize out of the wallpaper. "Where is she, at her mom's?"
"No...she's literally here at the apartment. She's downstairs in the parking lot with Rachel."
"You're kidding."
"I wish I was. She's looking for you. Apparently, nobody will tell her where you are. She's gone to your sisters, your mom, her mom, and now she is looking for me...but I haven't seen her yet. I was at the top of the steps when she showed up. Rachel texted me to stay upstairs and call you. She's stalling her. Tell me what to do."
"Tell her where I am."
"Are you sure?"
"Look, Sue is here...nothing is going to happen."
"I'm not sure about this...I mean...you ended up in that coma and we were just a few feet away from you."
"Trust me, I think we are p-past that."
"I do trust you, you know that but we both know how unpredictable she can be."
"Unless she is pissed off, she probably just needs to t-talk."
"Then why didn't she text you back."
The baby began to whine and I just couldn't worry about this. B had been fine back in New York.
And Sue wouldn't let her hurt me, that I was sure of.
"Call me back later, okay. I need to get this baby to sleep. She's glaring at me."
"Alright. I'll call back when she leaves."
"Thanks, Q."
"Anything for you, San. Bye."
Since she didn't nap all day, Daniela fell asleep insanely fast, thank goodness. I put her to bed in the nursery and then while clutching my phone, I made a stop by Sue's office.
"Coach?" I knocked.
"Come in." I was gazing around the room, taking in the trophy's and nearly forgot what I came in for. "What's wrong? Sandbags?!"
My attention snapped back to her and I sighed heavily before dropping into the recliner.
"Britt's in town...she's c-coming to see me."
"When?"
"Now."
"Unacceptable. She can't just drop in on you like this on her schedule. You will never gain the upper hand if you allow her to just show up here. Have I taught you nothing?"
"I'm tired, coach. I don't want the upper hand. I just want to get back to being fr-friends."
"If you want her long term this is not the way to do it."
"She's already on her way."
"Then I'm going to sit in the room. When she gets here...you bring her in here."
"Okay."
"I mean it."
"Okay!"
It was awkward as Britt followed me into Sue's office.
"Sit."
Sue stood by the door and gestured towards the couch that she had just been sitting on.
I sat down in one of the corners and Britt tried to sit right next to me but Sue glared at her until she moved over to the other end of the couch. I folded my feet up onto the couch and grabbed a pillow to hold in my lap.
Sue shut the office door and then sat in the recliner and turned the tv back on but turned it low. She was at least pretending to look away from us even though I knew she was watching closely.
"Is she going to leave?" Britt whispered to me.
I shook my head and then began to play with the tassels on the pillow.
"Why are you here, B?" I said looking at her with my best bitch smirk.
"I wanted to see you."
"And the kids?" I felt my eyebrow raise.
"Yea...and the k-kids." she stuttered out.
"Don't lie to me."
"Fine...I didn't come to see them...I'm an asshole. I get it. I came to see you. I needed my best friend. No strings attached."
"Our relationship...has never been w-without strings attached, B. You know that."
"Can we talk alone?"
I went to answer but Sue slammed down her remote on the side table.
"Do you really think that's wise, Brittany? Did you not just get physical with her just a week ago with a baby in her arms?" Sue was glaring and Britt was glaring back at her.
I looked down at the pillow and avoided both of their glares.
"You're not my coach anymore...you don't scare me."
"Hogwash! The fear in you is so deep-seated that you are shaking at the sound of my voice alone! I own your fear!" I glanced up and true to the fact, Britt was shaking slightly.
"I-I didn't mean it..."
"I'm sure you didn't mean to put her in a coma either."
"I didn't."
"Answer her question and then leave," Sue said calmly as she sat back down and picked up her remote. "And Lopez, lift your head for God's sake!"
I snapped my head up and saw Britt's blue eyes staring through to my soul.
"He broke up with me. He and Dionne aren't sister and brother...they are a couple. It was too late to fire them...my bosses would have fired me if they knew I had been sleeping with him and that I...am...you know..."
"Okay? So...let me get this right...you came all the way here to tell me that? For what reason?"
"I want to work stuff out."
"Then work it out."
"With you."
"No."
She sat there with that puppy dog face and just looked at me in shock.
"What do you mean, no?" she said as she clenched her fists.
"No, Brittany. I'm not letting you back."
"Why not? You're my wife."
"It's over Britt. Go back to New York."
"I can't...I used my last bit of money to get here...Sandra had Sal...take me off the account."
"Good."
"How can you be so cold? After everything that I have done for you?" she was now standing over me, thrusting her finger towards my face and yelling. I didn't move a muscle as I looked up at her.
We had been here before...I wasn't afraid of her.
"You make it easy, Britt." I said as I slowly stood to my feet. I hadn't been paying attention but Sue had because, by the time that I was on my feet, Sue had Britt's arm in her hand. She had caught her mid-swing.
"You need to leave." She growled at Brittany.
"Gladly." She turned and made her way towards the door but I was faster this time. I was in front of her now and was cornering her against the door.
Deja vu...except this time...I was in control.
"Listen up good, Brittany. You try th-that shit one more time and you will never see me or those kids again, got it?"
"Yeah, right."
"You can pretend all you want that it doesn't matter to you but I kn-know that we mean the world to you."
"Then why won't you take me back?" she looked defeated now.
"If you were me...would you take me back?"
"Yes."
"Bullshit. I'm not your consolation prize. It's me and me alone or you can just f-forget about us."
"What about the kids?"
"My kids?"
"Our kids."
"When it suits you, they're yours? Y-You can be a fucking cunt all you want with me, B...but when it comes to those innocent babies...you will not be in and out of their lives. In OR out...that's it. I re-refuse to have them go through that kind of thing. I can do this on my own, I don't need you."
"But you want me? Still...right?"
"Not off your meds, not up and down. Not when you can't stay out of other people's beds!."
"You're one to talk, you don't think I know about you and Sugar? Again?"
"Don't." I snapped.
"Why, don't like being confronted with the truth?"
"I never said that I was perfect. L-Look at our track records, B. I fucked around with Ian while you fucked around with Frankie...but once I found out I was pregnant and you and I fixed us...I was faithful."
"Sure." She rolled her eyes.
"I stayed faithful wh-while you still fucked Frankie and Rachel. I came out of that coma and still came back to you. That shit with Quinn...was a fucking mistake. I apologized for it...I nearly died over it. You have no fucking remorse. You fuck who you want and can still do it over and over without thought of me or the kids. Your kids!"
"I'm sorry."
"Not good enough."
"What do I need to do?"
"You need to leave. I need to give my children a peaceful environment. I need to surround them with happiness and love."
"I can give you that."
"No...you can't. You're fucking delusional if you believe that! Now, Go."
"Please, Ana."
"Just...please...go."
I reached around her and pulled the door handle. She looked at me with that sad look in her eyes but I wasn't buying it. I needed to get away from her. I needed to fight for myself and my kids. I was done fighting with Brittany.
I was done being an easy out for her.
If she wanted to be back in our lives...then she was going to have to become someone that we could depend on.
She definitely wasn't there yet.
I'd finally gotten my car and I was driving!
It felt like freedom and I may have slammed on the brake too hard a few times but I got the hang of it.
After the night before with Britt, I needed to process my shit and who better to help me with that than Q.
Only she wasn't at the apartments.
So I went to the only other place that she'd be.
The kids were secure with Sue and Tor, so I drove to the other side of town to Berry's house, only to nearly blind myself with Quinn going down on Berry in the back seat of her car.
I wasn't going to cockblock so I found myself trying to plug my ears while sitting on the front step.
"Oh God, so amazing...so amazing...oh God...yes!"
I felt like I was going to pass out from disgust.
"Right...Oh...how are you sooooooo...ugh...unh...gooooooood!"
I had my hands over my ears and was humming but it just continued for another five minutes.
"Damnit Berry, just cum already." I muttered.
Almost as if she heard me, I heard her shriek out and then there was silence.
"Oh thank you, sweet baby Jesus!" I said as I stood to my feet and climbed up onto the porch and sat on the swing. I really didn't want any flashes of Berry when she opened the car door.
I sat there another few minutes knowing that Quinn always likes to get off last but she was quick if you knew how to do it right and when I heard that telltale grunt a few minutes later, I knew that Rachel did indeed know what she was doing.
I'm not surprised.
Fucking perfectionist!
"Where are you San...no one in this neighborhood has a silver BMW?" I heard Quinn say loudly.
I chuckled to myself and stood to my feet.
"See I told you I heard footsteps." Quinn said as she pulled Rachel up onto the porch.
"Why don't you head in and get cleaned up...I can w-wait." I smirked at Berry and then followed them inside. "Nice to see you, by the way, Rachel. Staying sober?"
As upset as I had been when I got to the house, this somehow made me feel a shitload better.
She nodded her head and looked up at me with a questioning eye.
"How about you...these first couple weeks are hard...you okay?"
"I'm trying to be...I need to process I guess. I hope you don't mind?" I said as I sat on her living room couch.
"No...of course not...just...we will be right back."
"No sex in the shower...I do have kids to get back to." I said as they walked up the stairs.
"Fuck you San." Quinn called down.
"Not again, thanks!" I winked before sitting back and checking my messages.
Ur right. I wouldn't take me back if I were you.-Britt
In town for the next 2 weeks. Can we start w/ lunch? Brdstx?-Britt
I'm really sorry about this. I do love the kids. I miss them so much! :(-Britt
I'm at my parents', btw. I can't go back to NY w/ things like this. :/-Britt
I didn't want to do it at first but I couldn't just leave this hanging.
She had to know that I was absolutely serious.
Lunch is too much right now. Even if it is Breadstix. Think smaller. Church?-Ana
I got an immediate response.
When?-Britt
Tomorrow night. Wed mass. As usual.-Ana
I'll b there.-Britt
OK.-Ana
I love you-Britt
Prove it.-Ana
Before I could even react, Quinn had snatched my phone from me and was reading my messages.
"What happened?"
"You were right...she tried to hit me...with Sue right there."
"I knew it!"
"Sue stopped her."
"Of course she did! No one has reflexes faster than her."
"I'm glad."
"So you are inviting her to church?"
"To mass...and I won't be alone. Her mom and you will both be there. She won't be able to touch me."
"Damn straight."
"I'll be there too."
Rachel came into the room with a tray and set it on the coffee table.
"Always the perfect hostess, Berry?" I arched my eyebrow at her.
"There is nothing more comforting than warm tea and cookies. You did something major for me the day you talked me into rehab, what kind of person would I be if I wasn't courteous in your time of need?"
I laughed, long and loud and it felt good.
"Oh, God...I have so missed you!" I slapped a hand over my mouth but it was too late.
I had already said it and now she was throwing herself in my arms just like Britt used to do and hugging me tightly.
"You have no idea how much your friendship means to me, Santana."
"I think I do." I squeaked out as I tried to breathe.
Quinn pushed at Rachel's shoulders, thankfully.
"That's enough Rach...she gets it. Remember our talk?"
"Oh right...clinginess isn't appreciated by the masses. Sorry." She stood up and began to fill our cups as I shook out my arms which had been pinned to my sides.
"It's okay Q, it's not like I haven't been hugged like that before." I muttered as I shrugged out of my jacket and accepted the mug that was being handed to me.
"So what happened?"
By the time that I got back to Sue's, I was dragging from processing my feelings with the greatest processor of them all.
Rachel Berry of course...so even though I had to be a victim of her moans while Quinn went to town on her, it was well worth it because I left the house feeling like I was handling things with Brittany correctly.
Sue was right, I couldn't let Britt back into my world too easily and while I'm sure she wouldn't agree with me inviting her to church, I had taken control right?
I mean I turned down Breadstix!
That's a huge sacrifice!
August 12th, 2013
Hi Henry!
I know that I haven't written since I left rehab but I'm back now so that's good right?
So much has happened since then, so much is still happening.
I'm happy right now at this moment though, because I had plenty of opportunities just now to go get drugs but I didn't.
Instead of getting high, I processed! I'm so proud of myself right now, Henry. I'm sure you are too!
At this moment...I know that I can make it through this.
Sobriety is mine if I want it and I still do! I'm going to my first N.A. meeting tomorrow night, I'm super nervous but I'm not going alone...Sue is going with me.
That's cool, right?
Anyway, Sue is taking me for a run at sunrise...like cheer camp all over again...so I have to get some sleep.
I hope that I can keep this feeling, that I have right now.
Pray for me?
Santana