Dreaming My Dreams With You (Cowboy Junkies)
Brittany's POV
MONDAY
I have always been able to convince Santana that I'm sleeping when I'm not, and even now, in my darkest of darks, I manage to get out a genuine snore.
And even though it's super hard to keep still as her damp face kisses mine, I do it because this is what's best for her recovery.
There's no way that I can allow Grady to bring us BOTH down...the kids need one of us to be sane at all times, and right now, even though she's still working on being sober, it HAS to be her, and she knows it.
When the door closes, I hear her murmurs as she talks to Ari in the hallway.
I can't hear what they're saying, but I can pretty much guess tonight won't be a night of crying as loud and long as I want because I'll have a shadow. Ari's not so bad as far as shadows go though, I know that if I were to ask her to let me cry, she would.
After giving her my bone marrow, I could pretty much ask her for anything, and she'd do it.
My body aches terribly, and even though I had endured my first shower in over a week just to make my wife smile, I still feel so dirty.
And I don't think that feeling is going away any time soon.
I lay there staring at the ceiling with my fingers running over my still swollen tummy that burns when I touch it, and I wondered if I would get over this someday.
Would the ache of this hurt less?
And if it did, would I suddenly think of it and start spiraling all over again?
Did Grady permanently cement himself into my soul?
Would I ever deserve her again...my sweet, troubled Ana who, at the end of the day, just wanted to be loved.
I should have said no to her and stuck with it when she told me to explore. If I had, we would be together right in that moment without the heaviness of this loss hanging over us.
And while this is a loss that belongs only to me, I can see that she's carrying it too.
Did she love this piece of me as much as I love the two pieces of her?
If that's the case, then I'll make sure to hug her extra-long. My loss was her loss.
She whispered something sweet against my face when she thought I was sleeping, and it's the only thing that is keeping me from wailing.
"Court is with your little one. All is not lost."
How could she know that?
Did that baby even have a soul?
It was all so confusing.
And respect for people who could do this and keep moving...I hadn't wanted this, but Grady made me feel like it was the only way.
That I'd have no choice and I just...I gave in.
I caved, and when I tried to stop it, it was already too late.
And the thoughts of the sonogram and the smell of lemon cleanser are what make the sobs come.
Alone or not, I am crying and thrashing on the sofa bed once the sun goes down, and just like Santana had planned for, Ari is in bed with me, holding me and crying with me.
And it's just what I needed.
My wife has always just known...even when I haven't, that's what makes her the true genius.
TUESDAY
When I wake up on Tuesday morning, expecting Ari to be curled around me, I'm shocked to see Ana sitting next to me with her glasses on with a book in her hands.
I laid there for a bit and just stared at her perfection. Even after everything that she had done to her body, she looked perfect.
"You're pretty." I say finally, and she just smirks.
"So are you, especially when you sleep."
"Am I uglier when I'm awake?"
"N-No...that's not what I meant." She looks embarrassed and then rolls her eyes.
"I know."
"I made you breakfast and brought your medicine." There was more to her expression, and I knew that I'd get it out of her with time but just having her here with me, even if it was just for a few days, was more than I had dared to ask for when I had told her about what I'd done.
"Thank you."
"I also talked to Frankie...who talked to your bosses, and they agreed that you need some time off."
"Ana, I can't afford to take off. I don't work. I don't get paid."
She shrugged.
"Then I'll pay you for your time."
"No."
"Look, you need to get out of this f-fucking place, and as your wife, I am putting my f-foot down. So eat your breakfast, and then you are coming back to the house with your son and me."
"Sandra kicked me out."
"It's not her fucking house." She snapped, but I knew that it wasn't at me. Whatever happened at dinner had set her on edge.
"Please don't fight with your sisters over me."
"I'll do what I want. You barely took time after you were shot and then when I gave birth, then with C-Court. So now, when you have an actual medical issue, I had her stress to them that if you collapsed on the stage that I was going to sue everyone."
"I'm already getting sued."
"I took care of that." She said, and then she got up before I could ask her how. I could see the guilt on her face.
"Santana!" I snapped at her, and she froze. "Please, for the love of God, tell me that you didn't trade sex or drugs to throw out my lawsuit?!"
In the past, that sentence would have had her on the defense or angry, but she just deflated.
"No. I thought about it...I was planning on it last night, after dinner went badly, but instead, I called in a favor."
"What did it cost you?"
"Just fl-floor seats to a Knicks game and Field seats to the Yankees. It wasn't cheap, but it wasn't sex or drugs."
"True."
"I'm a work in progress, okay. Bartering is what got me through my life here and with M-Marco...and you...and even Ian. It's how I survive, quid pro quo."
"Okay...well, thanks, I guess."
WEDNESDAY
I don't know how I talked her into staying at the theater all day and overnight, but she did with only one compromise, that first thing Wednesday morning, we go back to the house.
So here we were, just after sunrise, walking hand in hand back towards the house.
It was the first time that I had been out of the theater in days, and the light hurt my eyes, but I refused to complain.
"Are you hungry?" She asked as we got to the cart, and even though I haven't been hungry any of the days that she had fed me, I still nodded my head because I knew she'd been still having food issues, and if I ate, she'd eat. So even with no appetite, I'd been eating for her.
"Yes."
"What do you want?"
"You." I teased, and she rolled her eyes.
"As in food."
"The usual." I muttered, and then I wrapped my arms around her and walked with her up to the window and didn't let her go.
It felt good to hold her in the same way that Grady was always holding me...I had convinced myself that I liked being the little spoon, but in truth, I liked being the big one, protecting her...she was the air that I breathed.
And if I couldn't have my baby...or my sanity, at least I could have her.
She seemed so happy as we continued towards the house with our hands intertwined, but something changed as we got inside, and it hurt more than I would ever admit to her when she dropped my hand like she was embarrassed by me.
But then I saw why she had done it...there in the living room with this Walker woman sat Sandra and Mari.
And when their eyes fell on me, I wanted to turn around and run.
Sandra seemed annoyed but not Mari. She looked me over and then stood up.
"Can I check your vitals?" She asked, and I felt cornered.
"Um...I guess."
"You just don't look well, and I want to make sure that you're okay. I'm genuinely concerned, family drama aside." Mari said, and I believed her.
"Okay."
"Let her see Isaac first, Mari, please," Ana said, and her sister backed off. "Where is he?"
"I'll get him." Sandra said, and then she left us there in the living room.
Ana looked at me and then gestured to Walker.
"Britt, this is Walker...she's been keeping me together." My wife chuckled nervously, not in a flirty way but the 'please like my friend' way.
So, even though I didn't feel like it, I turned on my best version of myself for this woman who seemed to love my wife in a way healthier way than most of her friends.
When she hugged me, it was with feeling, like she truly was happy to meet me, and it immediately set me at ease.
There was nothing to worry about.
Having Izzy back in my arms hugging me so tight was the best thing in the world after everything.
I still had babies who loved me and called me Mama. His beautiful eyes sparkled when he saw me, and I wanted to cry so hard, but I had to be happy for him.
And so while I couldn't dream dreams with my baby anymore...I knew I could still dream with Izzy and Dani...and with Ana.
Being here gave me the hope that I couldn't seem to find on my own.
That's why I sat through the exam that Mari gave me, and when she said that she was giving me antibiotics to fight off any infections, I happily thanked her.
Ana seemed in her element, cooking for me, and making sure I got my medicine.
Then, she put me in some kind of herbal bath that Gladys had shown her when she was healing.
I sat there, feeling like I was in a tub of menthol, and didn't complain because my wife was right there...making living easier.
"Let me be your reason." She said while she sat on the other side of the tub, her fingers still wrapped up in mine.
"Reason?"
"Yeah, Q always called the kids my reasons to keep fighting. Let me be yours...please?"
And I finally let the tears come.
"Oh, Ana, you already are."
SANTANA'S POV
STILL WEDNESDAY
"Oh, Ana, you already are." She says to me with all the love in the world contained in those beautiful blues.
I swooned, and then I leaned in and kissed her.
It was the first time that I initiated anything romantic between us, and at that moment, it felt right.
The kisses were sweet and just ours. I'd missed moments like this, and I could tell by her little whimpers that she had too.
A knock broke our moment at the room door, and I knew it must be time.
"Your meeting?" Britt asked as I pulled away.
"Probably. I'll help you out of here f-first, and then I'll go."
"Thanks."
Her stomach and hips were lined with small cuts that looked older than this week, but I could tell from the purpling of her skin that something was wrong. I'd have to talk to Mari about it since I was leaving in a little over a day, and she'd still be here to look after Britt.
It had been hell talking to Sandra about letting Britt come home but getting Mari to understand that Britt was sick helped her back me up.
That's why they wanted to be here to see that she wasn't playing me.
And Mari saw it, the deep purple circles under her eyes and the nearly translucent look of her skin.
It was like she was dying, and only I had been able to see it.
We were losing her, and I was the only one who was willing to stop that from happening...but now Ari was in the know, and so was Mari.
Hopefully, that would be enough.
The meeting helped me center and then mass with Walker, which helped me regain some strength.
"How are you?" She asked.
"A mess but in the best ways. I feel like a wife and not like a babysitter. She knows that I'm here for her, and she knows that I have to go. More than anything, she knows that even after everything, that I still love her and that no matter what, I always will."
"Any temptation."
"Nope...that lunch with you and CiCi yesterday helped. I wish Doc could've been there, but babies come when they come...I guess."
"It's a happy occasion, but I was really looking forward to meeting her."
"Yeah, I know."
"So, your sister told me that Brittany's birthday is next week. Have you thought about staying?"
"I have, and I think it would be good if she came home with us."
"Are you ready for that?"
"Well, yeah, if she stays with her parents. I can stay in the apartment and work on things...like her health and her r-relationship with the kids. She's missing so much."
"That sounds like a plan. You could do a party at your place."
"The Rage Cage?"
"Yeah."
"That would be cool. I need to talk to Z and her parents. Maybe it would lift her spirits."
"She needs that. I can see it now, the connection that you two have. It's beautiful."
"Thanks."
"I hope you two pull through this rut. Those kids need you both."
"Yeah, I know."
THURSDAY
Waking up in Britt's arms, with her whimpers but not cries like Ari had described, felt like a step up, and I just knew that I couldn't leave her in New York, she'd slid back, and I couldn't let that happen.
"You're thinking really loud." She mumbled.
"I know."
"What is it? Do you want me to leave?"
"No...I want...more."
"More?"
"Of this...come home with me, B."
"I told you I have to work."
I shifted in her arms until we were face to face, eye to eye. "Let me level with you, B. They wanted you gone, or they were gonna fire you. You're on sick leave, and I think you should come home, at least until the end of the month...celebrate your birthday with the family at home."
"I avoided my mom when she was here. She probably doesn't want to see me."
"Opposite, that's all she talks about. She lost Court only ten months ago. She needs you."
"Okay."
"Yeah?" I traced my fingers over her face and enjoyed being here, with her like in high school when our sleepovers were all we had. "Are you sure?"
"Not really, but right now, I trust you way more than I trust myself."
"Trust?" I asked, feeling shocked that she, of all people, trusted me.
"Yes. I understand everything that you've done. I believe that you love me more than anyone else on this Earth other than the kids. You've shown me that this week and so if you think me going back home will help me get through this, then I trust you."
"Thanks, B."
"No, thank you, baby. I needed you, and you came. I don't think I can ever show you enough just how grateful I feel right now. I think you saved my life."
I pulled her in and held her, this time through my own tears.
A life without Brittany was no life at all.
Our bliss lasted about an hour before August was calling Brittany and asking her to come in to finalize some dance moves and grab her things from her office until she was ready to come back.
"Will you meet me when work is over?" She asked me as she finished getting dressed in clothes from the closet that looked way too big on her too-small body.
"Yes, I'm gonna go to an early meeting and come straight to you with Isaac. Ari begged to see him before we leave tomorrow morning."
"Okay, good. So six?" She asked, looking sheepish since that was my normal meeting time.
"That's perfect, B. I'll get your ticket finalized and close up around here while you're gone."
"Okay."
"Hey?" I said as she looked hesitant to leave.
"Yeah?"
"Tomorrow, I'll take you to get ice cream at my new spot. We have b-bubblegum."
"Really?!" She was a kid all over again.
"Yup."
"Okay. I'll see you tonight...can I kiss you?"
"Please?" I said and puckered my lips.
The kiss was quick and sweet, just perfect.
I don't know what my son was on, but I swear that he was making the walk to the theater a living hell for me. For some insane reason, I thought I could carry him the whole way to the theater since it was just a few blocks, but he would not stop squirming.
I was singing the alphabet with him as he cheered along and shouted the letters that he knew.
"Santana?"
I froze and turned around towards the voice.
"Tucker?"
I couldn't believe my eyes.
"I thought that was you!"
I shifted Isaac to my hip and then walked towards my old friend.
"How are you?" I said as I let him hug me. The last time I had seen him was after Marco whooped his ass so bad that he popped a blood vessel in his eye, so it was good to see him looking just as normal and put together as ever.
"I'm good...great! Is this your son?" he said in shock.
"Yes, this is my son Isaac. Say hi, Papa." I said to him.
He flashed his little front teeth and then waved. "Hi." he said happily.
"He is so handsome...look at those eyes!"
"Those are all his father...obviously."
"So are you married, now?"
"Where were you headed?" I interrupted as I shifted Isaac again.
"Oh...I was just out for a stroll. I don't live far from here. Am I stopping you from getting somewhere?"
"Actually...I have been out of town...and I was on my way to visit Brittany...she's working down at one of those warehouses by the Hudson. If you weren't doing anything but strolling...you can walk with me and catch up?"
"I'd love to...I have been dying to meet her!"
"Well...today may not be good since she's super busy, but...we can set something up?"
"Okay...do you want me to carry him?"
I looked at Isaac, and he was just smiling a big smile. It may seem weird since I used to escort Tucker, but I trusted him, so I didn't bother to worry that anything would happen.
My trust radar was one of the few things that I could still rely on.
Isaac went willingly with Tucker, and then we began our walk.
I felt relieved just to be able to walk.
Suddenly I was happy that I didn't have to do it alone.
"So...did you marry Brittany?"
"Yes...we are in limbo right now because I just got out of rehab a few m-months ago, so it's a w-work in progress."
"So you're clean, finally?"
"Yes...seven months sober." I said happily.
"That's amazing! Congratulations. Stay strong okay?"
"Thanks...I'm trying...my kids are my inspiration."
"Kids? Plural?"
I looked over at him and then dug out my phone and pulled up the lock screen.
"That's my baby girl, Daniela. She was ten months a few days ago."
"You make some gorgeous kids, Santana!"
"Thanks. I thank God for them every day."
"As you should...so their father...it's not..." He trailed off, and I saw a bit of terror flash across his face.
"Marco's dead, he's my d-daughter's father, but Isaac's father was a guy from back home...he died too...both suicides." I sighed as I shoved my phone in my pocket.
"Harsh."
"Yea, but I bet you're relieved."
"Maybe a little...so what's Brittany doing down here?" He asked as we came to a stop outside the warehouse. He handed Isaac back to me and shoved his hand in his pockets, looking nervous in our surroundings.
"She's choreographing a Broadway show."
"No way!"
"Yea...you wouldn't happen to be a dancer too, would you?"
"I can dance...maybe not star-caliber, but I have won drag shows because of it."
"And I know that you can sing...maybe I can talk her into letting you audition...they just lost their male lead."
"Seriously?"
"You helped save my life, Tucker...I owe you one. Here, give me your number, and I will have her call you." He excitedly put his number in my phone before handing it back.
Suddenly he seemed more than comfortable where we were standing.
"I hope to hear from you soon...about hanging out?"
"Absolutely!"
I hoisted Isaac onto my hip and made my way inside once Tucker had walked on. Isaac was much calmer, thank goodness, as we went in search of his Mama.
When I stepped into the back corridor, I could feel the vibration under my feet, so I headed down the stairs with Isaac in tow.
I was able to watch from the hall as Britt moved in front of a group of dancers, her eyes bright and her movements razor sharp.
She was on her game, and it was obvious from the few stumbles that the dancers were not prepared for her to be this on her game.
This was what I had come here and stopped my life for.
All week long, my boobs and my heart missed Daniela, but I knew that if she were old enough, she'd understand why I needed to leave her.
My heart felt full as I stood there, smiling at my wife.
When she glanced up, her smile was so genuine, and then she winked at me.
Fuck, I was swooning over the place.
I sat on the backbench, watching a newly rejuvenated Brittany prance around the now empty downstairs studio with Isaac in her arms.
Isaac was squealing with joy as his Mama danced with him.
Tony and Ari came in, looking astonished, then they plopped down on either side of me.
"Whatever you did, I bow to you. I haven't seen her like this...in a month." Tony said.
"Does she know that you're leaving?" Ari asked.
"Yes. I'm taking her with me, in fact."
"So you sweep into town, take my partner in crime and leave us hanging...word?" Tony said, returning to his normal annoyed tone.
"No, I came to uplift her, and now I'm taking her to fix what's been broken so you can still have her around."
"Yeah, Tony, go easy on Santana...neither one of us could have gotten Brittany back to this state."
"Fine...since you're a problem solver, you wouldn't happen to know any male dancers, would you? That are, maybe...gay?" He said as she chuckled to himself...he didn't want to tempt Britt.
"Actually." I showed him Tucker's picture and then gave him his number. "This is Tucker, he's an amazing singer, model and he has won dancing competitions...all amateur...give him a call...tell him that you talked to me. Okay?"
"You're kidding me? Ari...is she full of answers like this all the time?"
"Pretty much...she's a pain in the ass...isn't she?"
"Totally." he said as he punched in Tucker's phone number and walked away.
I smirked as I threw my arm casually around Ari's shoulder and kissed her forehead before pulling away again.
No need to make Britt jealous in such a good moment.
"That should get Tony to be nicer to me and be more supportive of Britt, don't you think?"
"Let's hope...he doesn't care for you much."
"I noticed."
"About Britt...I'll help wherever I can...and I won't tell her what you requested it."
"Thank you!"
FRIDAY
Santana's POV
Britt sleepily walked with me to the plane, completely content that Walker was holding her son.
They seemed to have this silent bond that I had no idea about.
Frankly, I was just happy that they liked each other. Them getting along was incredibly important to me.
"Thanks for giving up your seat for her." I said to Walker as we waited to board.
"You know, lesser people would be feeling some type of way that you haven't really spoken to them all week, but I think I'd be the same way if you went with me to see Heather. I'm glad that I could, in some way, help you two bridge this gap."
"You're the best."
"Thanks."
"How can I repay you for being on standby all week?"
"Give in to my son and give him that gaming tournament, or at least free ice cream."
"Done and done." I said, and she grinned.
"That will be more than enough then, kid."
Walker settled in the row across from us and handed Isaac over to Britt.
She spent most of the hour-long flight with her nose buried in his hair.
It was a welcome sight. I think I had this irrational fear that in losing her baby, she'd pull away from Isaac and Daniela, but the opposite seemed to be true, and I was endlessly grateful for that.
Brittany's POV
When I held my daughter for the first time in months and called me Mama, I cried into her hair.
And when my mom looked at me with love and not concern, I cried again.
My wife had been right. Coming home had been the right move.
Pulling away from everyone was killing each and every part of me, and that's not what I needed.
What I needed was love.
And to start moving on with those dreams that I shared with Grady and the baby...and our future.
It had been a warped dream.
All along, I had this family and the love that I had fantasized about.
I knew then that I was totally out of my mind without being level.
Being back on meds and having the love and support of my family brought me back from the darkness.
And I never wanted to go back.
How do you say goodbye to the darkest year of your life?
How do you let go of people that you thought you'd have forever?
No one knows. That's the trick of it. There's no letting go or saying goodbye...there's just remembering and learning.
Forever you might miss those parts of yourself, but as time goes, it hurts less.
You remember the pain, but you aren't drowned by it.
That's the lesson.
And I hope to God, to never forget it.