A/N:I was scolded for being too dark, I don't know how to do this any other way and I'm okay with that. People are funny. Enjoy lovelies. Triggery darkness ahead.
Thinking of You (Katy Perry)
Santana's POV
Britt lasted about an hour before the pain became too much, and she begged for painkillers, which Dr. J quickly agreed to. He admitted that her body was in such rough shape that they considered putting her in an induced coma to allow her body to rest.
As her wife and someone who had been in two induced comas and a forced one, I shot that down. She'd ask for drugs, and I was right.
The moment she was asleep, I kissed her face, grabbed my phone, and left the room.
"It's good that you're stepping away." Dr. Ramirez said when she saw me headed to the elevators.
"I have to check on my kids and..." If it were any other doctor, I would hesitate, but this was a woman who had acted like my godmother for most of my life. "I want to be here when she wakes up, but I really need a meeting."
She pulled me into an empty room, shut the door, and then hugged me tightly. "I am so damn proud of you for knowing what you need. You've come a long way. Brief your mom and hers, then go to that meeting. With the help of morphine and Brittany finally allowing herself to rest, she should be out for a while."
"You'll call me if anything comes up?"
"Of course."
"Thanks." I hugged her this time, and then I was on the move. I didn't have the luxury of time, and Britt was more stubborn than me, so I knew she'd try to wake herself up the moment the pain stopped. I knew she'd understand my need for a meeting, but I just couldn't let her wake up alone.
I had to be an adult and manage my expectations, and right now, I needed to manage hers too. She expected someone that she loved to be there when she woke up, and I was going to make sure that happened.
Instead of calling, I drove straight to the Pierce's and knocked on the door.
Rob answered, covered in the remnants of his day.
"Are you just getting home?" I asked.
"Hi to you too, Santana. I began working on the apartment across the hall from you now that Quinn is gone."
I slapped my forehead.
Shit.
"Crap, I was supposed to take her to the airport."
He chuckled and stepped back so I could go inside. "I took her, don't worry about it. Don't stand on the porch. You're wasting my heat. Come in."
"No, I need to get going, but I had to talk to you and Susan first. It's important."
His face got serious, and I hated that I had to deliver the news that he almost lost another child just eleven months after losing the other.
"Suzie, come here." He called toward the kitchen.
Susan came to the door, wiping her hands on her apron.
Syrup Sunday...it was breakfast for dinner night, Britt's favorite.
"Hi Santana, what's wrong?"
"Britt passed out at We Lime. I rushed her to the hospital. She lost a lot of blood and had to have two transfusions. She had a bad infection." Her parents looked panicked, and it broke my heart, "Sorry I didn't call sooner, I left my phone in the car. She's stable, they have her on a drip, and she's finally asleep. She's being isolated because of the infection, but she's alone right now. I need a meeting, really bad. If one of you could just go sit with her...please?"
I was crying now, and then they wrapped me up in their arms.
The comfort was just the thing that I needed.
Thank God for them.
I asked Susan to talk to Mami and check in on the kids while I went straight to the church. Like Dr. Ramirez, she was so proud of me for taking care of my own recovery that she just hugged me tight and promised to make sure that the kids would be cared for between her and Mami.
And by default, because I had no milk left at the apartment, Susan's or Mami's, Daniela was just going to have to deal without my milk.
Her teeth were razor-sharp, so it was going to be good to give my nipples a break.
I showed up to the meeting late, and even though we'd been so off the mark with each other for the last few days, Walker had still saved me a seat. I tried sneaking to my seat, but the room went quiet.
"Santana, would you like to speak?" The leader asked.
I was just about to sit down, but I stayed standing, especially since I hadn't spoken in a very long time.
"I would." Everyone was looking at me, and I felt the shake in my hands, so I shoved them in my pockets. "Hi, I'm Santana. I'm an addict."
"Hi, Santana."
"I've been sober and backslid a lot now. I'm 20, but I feel twice my age. I've been sober when it comes to drugs for 8 months. Recently, I've been drinking way more than ever. Alcohol has never really been something I was addicted to. The high or drunkenness' lasts too long for me, I guess, but lately, I've been using it as a crutch. I don't want to add yet another thing that I'm addicted to, but as someone pointed out recently, an addict is an addict. No matter what, I'm going to have an addiction, whether it's food, wine, or cocaine. I've had a dark 48 hours, I have taken my urge to slide backward and turned it into bringing my ass here." I let out a shaky breath, feeling a little better as people nodded along. "Today has been the worst, but here I am, and I plan to keep showing up. So congrats, you guys are my crutch now."
A couple of people chuckled, and then they clapped as I sat down.
Walker handed me a tissue, and I wiped the tears that had betrayed my mental directive to stay away.
"Thanks."
I sat for the rest of the meeting, trying not to fidget, but I really just wanted to get back to Britt, but I knew that this moment wasn't about her. All the moments outside of the meeting would be.
Right now, I had to focus...be in the moment.
Be present.
When I got back to the hospital, Susan and Rob were standing outside of the room, staring inside.
"Hey, why aren't you in there?" I asked Susan.
"They wouldn't let us, but she's still asleep. We've been here in her line of sight so that when she wakes up, she'll know."
"I'm sorry they didn't let you in." I said, handing them the two cups of hot chocolate that Walker had sent me with once I told her the whole story of my day. She had insisted that I eat a croissant while she watched, then she sent me off with drinks for my in-laws.
"You don't have to thank us, that's our baby in there." Rob said, slurping his hot chocolate like a kid.
Susan looked on in annoyance but then smiled at him when he grinned at her.
His smiles, the real ones, were few these days. It was good to see him living his life again.
"I brought her soft ducky pajamas. Will she be able to wear them?"
"The top probably, but she has stitches, and they need to check them a lot, so the pants will probably be in the way." Rob's smile vanished as he looked back at Britt.
I took the pajama shirt from Susan and then hugged her before washing up, putting on a gown over my clothes before going inside.
From the outside, it looked like she was sleeping, but as I got closer, I could hear her whimpering.
"B?"
"You left." She whispered. "Can you make them leave...please?"
"I asked them to come here, B."
"They shouldn't be seeing me like this...not after Court."
She had been purposely looking away from her parents, pretending to sleep, and with my back to them, I'm sure they didn't realize she was awake.
"I'm sure if you can just be awake for them and show them you're okay, they'll feel better about leaving. The doctors won't let them come in."
"Where were you?" She asked.
I moved closer to see her eyes and see that her whole face was red and wet.
"A meeting. I spoke today about my drinking. Please don't be mad." Her anger and sadness were washed away at my words, but I still needed to hear her say it. I moved closer and crouched down, so we were eye level. "Please?"
She smiled at me and then said the last thing I wanted to hear.
"You're so much better than Grady said. Good job, baby." Even if she was proud, his name in reference to me was something I never wanted to hear, just like she hated the comparisons to Marco or Ian.
"Grady?" I said, standing up, feeling the weight of her words, knowing that they spent time talking about me. I was better than he said. What the fuck had he been saying. I glanced back to the window. Her parents looked miserable. "You need to sit up and wave to your parents, show them that you're okay."
"But I'm not okay." She grumbled.
"Sometimes you have to push your own selfishness away, Brittany." I snapped, and her eyes went wide. Maybe I crossed a line but damnit if she didn't do exactly what I said. Her parents both lit up when she smiled at them and waved at them. Susan held up her ringing phone, and I dug Britt's phone out of the side table, answering the phone and then holding it up for her.
With me watching her, an eyebrow raised, she happily talked to her parents, listening to their advice and agreeing to keep them in the loop. Satisfied that she was in good hands, they blew us kisses and left.
Her smile fell, and she looked sad again.
"I'm sorry that I brought him up."
"I just don't get what you saw in him...how did that even happen? How do you just fall in love with someone you barely know?"
"Do you want me to tell you?" I shrugged.
"Maybe."
"Fine, but you can't freak out every time you don't like something I said. We won't get anywhere with that."
"I'll try."
"That's all I ask."
Brittany's POV
(Flashback)
"Hey, are you crying?"
I lifted my head and looked down into the front row.
Tony's new male lead was sitting there looking concerned, and I hadn't met him yet.
I had just dropped off Ana at the rehab center and had taken a full week off from the play to get the kids situated.
This was supposed to be my first day back, and I had started it alone in an empty theater, dancing through my problems.
It hadn't worked.
I was ashamed to be found this way, but he didn't flinch as he walked towards the stage and rested a warm hand on my arm.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I looked up into dark eyes and thought of Ana, who had left to rehab for what felt like an eternity. I was surrounded by people who had opinions about everything I did with MY kids...I wasn't okay.
"I'm just having a rough morning." I said as I jumped down from the stage. "I'm better now, though, thanks."
"Good...I'm Grady, by the way."
"Nice to meet you...I'm Brittany Lopez...lead female choreographer."
"Wow...you're kind of hot." he said as he looked me up and down.
"Kind of?"
I laughed for the first time in days. It felt good, and it made me feel guilty.
"Well...I saw that ring on your finger, so I can't really tell you what I really think, can I?" He winked at me and flashed an intoxicating smile. I was ashamed of the warmth that flushed through me. I hadn't felt like this towards a guy since Finn, and with him, I was just doing it to make her jealous.
"You can tell me whatever you want. It's not a secret. Besides, if you think I'm hot...you should see my wife."
His face went pale, and his jaw hung open. I rolled my eyes, pulled out my phone, and showed him a picture of Ana and then a picture of the kids.
"Wow. So two hotties...nice." he said as he threw an arm over my shoulder as if we had been best friends forever.
"She's pretty amazing."
"Does she dance too?"
"She's a singer more than anything else, actually."
"Wow...hot, and she can sing. Don't fall asleep at the wheel...I may steal her. I have always wanted myself a fiery Latina."
I laughed as we walked towards the back offices. She would have hated to be referred to by her ethnicity and a stereotype, even if that's exactly what she was.
"You have a better shot at me...she's totally a lesbian...I'm the bisexual one in our relationship." I still regret saying that to him because he accepted that as a challenge from that moment on.
"So that's how you met him?" My wife looked at me with so much hurt in her eyes, but she was trying to be open like I had asked. I'd waited until it was dark, and most of the hospital was asleep when the only thing lighting the room was the light above my bed. For some reason, I thought it would give me more courage, but it hadn't. "You're right, you know, I would have hated if he said that about me to my face. I would have punched him. Do you feel like, by telling him you were bi, that he felt like it was a challenge to get with you?"
"Yea...I regret it too."
"Did you ever have a moment where you thought you loved him more than me?"
She tightened her arm around my waist as I leaned against her shoulder, I knew the question had no good answer, so I just chose to be honest.
"I did...he treated me like a princess. I just knew that if he kept treating me that way, I could get from under your spell."
"My spell?"
"That's what he called your hold over me. He was always saying shit like that. He was good to me, though."
"Until that day?"
"Even then...he was so kind in a weird way."
"But you said that he said bad things."
I looked up into her confused eyes and nodded.
"He did...it was like he would say them sweetly. Like once...we were in bed...in his apartment, and we had just finished...you know..." I watched her take a deep breath and then nod with a small smile on her face. "I don't have to tell you this stuff if it makes you uncomfortable," I said as I pulled away a bit.
She pulled me against her again.
"No. I want you to talk to me about this. I don't want you to hold anything back because of how it makes me feel. I want to know everything...please?"
The look in her eyes was genuine, so I believed her.
"Are you sure?" I asked as I leaned into her warmth, feeling insanely cold still. Seeing me shiver, she pulled a second blanket around us and then kissed my temple.
"Talk to me, B. It's good to get the poison out."
I sighed and closed my eyes as I thought back to the story.
"Anyway...we were in bed, and he says to me in the sweetest voice that...he could make me a real mother...that Izzy and Dani are your kids and I will never be their real mother. Just you can be that. He told me how the kids looked more like you and not much like me except their eyes. He told me that they would never love me as much as they loved you. He said it so sweet though...he was always sneaking in things like that...things that when I look back on them were really mean and hurtful."
"I bet."
"I know, though...I know now...that he was so wrong. I see the love that Izzy has for me when he looks at me, and Dani's eyes light up when I dance around with her. Mom told me that he was just trying to get me wrapped in his web...you know, like he was a mean spider."
Ana nodded, then gave me a dozen kisses before smiling at me.
"I'm sorry that you had to go through that, Britt Britt."
"Are you angry?"
"I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. My head is everywhere. I just wish I had known about all this stuff...but I was out of touch, and then when you tried to talk to me that first time...I was so heartbroken that I couldn't see that you were trapped with this guy. I understand that so much...that was how it was with Marco...he had such a crazy hold over me...the difference, though, was that he was forceful and violent. It may have been easier for me because all that violence and all that pain kept me from falling completely for him...but Grady got under your skin deeper than Marco ever did with me. At least you didn't pick up any bad habits...like cocaine."
I went pale as I looked at her and felt guilt surge in my chest. I tried to fix my face before she saw and change the subject all at once.
"I'm sorry that I let him into my heart...it hurts so bad, and now...now I did something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life."
"What bad habit did you pick up?" She raised her eyebrow, and I sucked in a deep breath. She'd definitely noticed.
"I've been smoking a lot." I said quietly.
"Cigarettes? I didn't smell that on you."
She pulled back and looked down at my hand, and brought my fingers to her nose. She wouldn't smell anything...I hadn't smoked since the night before with Finn while she had been cleaning the kitchen.
"Not coke, it was weed."
She looked at me and then just nodded.
"That's where you have been when you slip off? You've been at Puck's, haven't you?"
"No...he's done with that now that he has Beth...no...I was with Finn."
The look on her face told me that I had just set us back a whole hell of a lot.
"Finn?"
"I know that it's stupid...it's just that I know Finn won't hurt me like Grady. He is way too afraid of you to even cross that line again."
"It's not about Finn...it's more about the fact that I'm here in Lima, with you, B...I have been, and I will continue to be. I don't want you to turn to drugs or any other stimulant that's going to have you spaced and dumb like that ogre."
She was furious.
"You've never had a problem with people smoking weed."
"I was young and stupid. You though...you dance for a living...you need your lungs...you need to be able to move and not be tripping all over yourself. You are just masking an even bigger issue. You have to deal with things, Britt Britt."
"Easy for you to say, Ana. You've had two years to deal with things...I don't get that kind of time. I always have to be on my game. I always have to be prepared for something to go wrong with you, the kids, and now the show. When do I get the chance to sit back and breathe?"
"Right now."
I looked at her waiting for the next part of her sentence, but it never came. She stood from the bed and kicked off her shoes, and then slid off her shorts before climbing back in the bed and snuggling against my side.
"Now?"
"Yes...this is God...making you relax...making me see that you need to be taken care of just as much as I do. Maybe more so. I'm here now, Britt Britt."
"Why?"
"Why not? I love you more than the stars in the sky, B. For you, I will always be around." She whispered against my face as she kissed my temple and then pulled my head to rest against her chest.
Sleep came fast after that.
How does she always know what I need?
When Ana cries...it's never quiet.
She sobs loudly, and when she sobs, her whole body shakes.
That's why when I woke up in the middle of the night with the bed empty beside me and saw that there was light streaming from underneath the bathroom door, I panicked.
She was trying to muffle her sobs, and most people wouldn't have heard them, but I know Ana's cries. She was breaking down really bad...how long had she been in there?
I went to move so that I could comfort her, but my body wouldn't cooperate. It was torture.
My body was too heavy, and I was way too weak to move, so instead, I was forced to lay there in the dark and listen to her crying just a few feet away.
She was trying so hard to be strong, but I guess I had overwhelmed her.
I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sound, but it seemed like the more that I tried to ignore it, the louder it got. I don't remember falling asleep, but she came back to bed at some point just before my body gave in.
"I love you, I love you, I love you." She whispered against my face and kissed me softly.
She had those after cry shudders that shake your whole body, but I didn't mind because she was there with me.
Even in sleep, I could feel her body against mine, gripping me to her.
Her heart pounded erratically as she held me.
She was trying so hard to be my backbone.
I wasn't going to let her think that she was failing at it...because this was probably the most loved that I ever felt when it came to her.
"I love you too, baby." I mumbled before falling deeper into sleep.
When I woke up a second time, just before dawn, Ana was out of bed again, but this time...I could see her standing out in the hallway just on the other side of the window.
It was still dark in the room, but she still kept glancing in at me as if she could see me clearly.
She talked to Dr. Ramirez, and it wasn't a good conversation from what I could see. Her whole body was shaking as she held a hand over her mouth and cried. I tried to stay awake until she got back to talk to her, but once again, I slipped back into sleep.
Being in a state of suspended sleep sucks big time.
I got to a point where my body was asleep, but I was still hyper-aware of Ana's every movement.
Was this what her coma was like?
She was holding onto me for dear life and mumbling things against my ear. I wasn't quite sure what she was saying, but I could tell from the choked sobs that she was distraught.
She wanted me to wake up, but she didn't want me not to rest.
She needed me.
I tried to push my eyes open, I tried to push my mind back to full consciousness, but it wasn't working.
Please God...help her.
I prayed hard just so that she wouldn't feel so upset.
Eventually, the tears stopped, and she fell into sleep, but it was restless because she kept moaning out in her sleep and squeezing me.
It didn't hurt.
I couldn't really feel anything, but I was almost certain that she would leave bruises somewhere.
But the reality of her being there with me, even if she was sad, was better than what waited for me in my dreams.
(Flashback)
"You're doing the right thing...Brittany. We can't raise this baby." Grady said as he rubbed my back and walked me into the waiting room of the clinic.
"Ana would help me...maybe I should talk to her first?" I said as I hesitated in the center of the room and looked up into his eyes.
"Damnit, Brittany...even now...you need to let her go! I met your precious Santana...she's nothing but a stuck up bitch! There's no way that she would raise this baby!"
He had a hand on each side of my face and was whispering so close to me that I could feel little specks of spit hit my face.
"You don't know her like I do, Grady." I whined.
"She's a selfish bitch, Britt. She knows that you're pregnant...has she done anything to help you through it?"
"She said if I needed anything-"
"That's just something that people say!"
"She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it."
"Yeah, right!"
"Look...I'm still going to do it, okay...just don't talk about her like that. I love her."
"This is why I'm leaving you."
"What?!" I shrieked.
People were looking at me, but I didn't care. I put my hands to my nearly invisible baby bump. I felt that little flutter that Grady swore was in my imagination.
Bye baby...I'll miss you.
"I'm going to the military...I need to get away from you from this city. It's what my parents always wanted. I know that once you have this done...that you are going to get me kicked off the show...so I'm leaving on my own...just as soon as we take care of this."
"This...is our baby...Grady. You said you'd make me a real mom. How could you lie to me? We can do this...I know it." I felt the tears soaking my cheeks as I looked up into his smiling face. He always wore that same fucking smile! I was disgusted with him as I rubbed my little tummy.
"We can't...I know that you want to go off and raise my baby with that fucking dyke, and I won't allow it. So you either get rid of it, or I will do it for you." He growled lowly in my ear.
My heart dropped into my stomach...he couldn't be serious.
Could he really be so cold-hearted?
This was a human life...I had to have some control over this...he would not choose for me. It was my body.
He offered to go into the room with me, but I refused. I needed to do this on my own.
The room was cold and smelled like lemons.
I laid back on the table.
The woman looked at me with a sad face after the sonogram that I was required to watch.
I asked for a copy of the DVD.
My baby's last moments.
"You told the receptionist that you didn't want to be sedated. Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
"You understand that it's going to be-"
"Fuck...please...just numb me or something...but I cannot go to sleep...please!" I growled at her.
She nodded at me and then made me lie back on that cold table and put my feet up. I closed my eyes as she worked down there to numb me just enough. I will never forget the sound or the way my body immediately felt like it belonged to someone else. It wasn't Ana's anymore...Grady had marked me for life.
I tried to get my mind to go somewhere else, but I was super aware of what was going on, even though I couldn't feel it.
What was I doing?
Was it too late?
Could I stop it?
But it was over before I knew it, and afterward, I laid there on the table and felt the regret and guilt fill up my soul.
What was left of it...what had I done?
Grady came into the room and helped me to get dressed again. He ended up carrying me to the cab because I couldn't walk. After all, my legs were like jelly.
When we got back to the theater, Grady laid me down on the sofa bed.
He gave me my prescription paper and money to pay for them. I asked him to go for me, but he refused, so I purposely threw up on his shoes as he undressed me, but he didn't get angry.
I was surprised.
"This is it...Brittany. From here on out...you and I are done. You did the right thing."
"Then why do I feel so wrong?" I mumbled as I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes.
He never answered me...a few moments later, I heard the door closing, and I never saw him again.
I felt a coolness touch my face as I slowly woke up from the memory of the worst day of my life. I opened my eyes and was met with Ana's dark ones. She looked relieved when she looked at me.
"You were screaming...you were crying. Are you okay, baby?"
She called me baby.
I wasn't even thinking of what I had just been dreaming about...I was thinking of how right now, she was looking at me like she had initially, and she was even calling me baby. I was prepared to lie and tell her that I was okay, but I couldn't...I was too tired of games.
I had meant that.
"I dreamt..." My throat was raw...I began coughing, and in a matter of seconds, she had a straw in a cup and was putting it to my lips.
The cool water coated my throat, and I drank it down as fast as I could.
I was so thirsty.
She was giving me encouraging nods, and the smile didn't leave her face for a second.
"Just take your time...okay?"
I looked at her and could see that she wanted to talk to me, but she was holding back.
Suddenly I remembered her conversation outside of the room, and her mumbling cries just before I fell asleep again.
This day was already sucking, and I had just woken up.
Great.
At least I was with her.
She would make it better...right?
I laid my head back against the pillows and brushed wisps of hair from my face. I felt more energized than the day before. My body was actually cooperating with me today.
Even though I was still weak, I could at least shift myself into a sitting position as Ana adjusted the bed and my pillows.
"Are you hungry?" She asked as she adjusted her top and finger-combed her hair.
My stomach rumbled.
"Yeah." I'd gotten so used to being nauseous that it felt weird actually to want more than water.
"Good, that's a great sign."
She pulled over the table, which already had a food tray on it. When she pulled the lid off, I couldn't help but smile.
Pancakes.
Just what I wanted.
She had already cut them up for me.
"Thank you, baby." I said as I looked down at the food.
I raised a hand to pick up my fork, but I was shaking way too bad.
My stomach growled, so I forced myself to pick up the fork, but I dropped it before I could even pick up the food.
"Do you mind if I feed you?" she asked quietly.
"Really?" I said as I looked at her in shock.
She was always mocking those couples that fed each other, but here she was offering.
"Of course, baby. I don't want you to exhaust yourself...I don't mind." To prove it, she picked up the fork, swirled it in the syrup like I normally did, and then brought it to my lips with a hand cupped under the fork. "Open up." she smiled and then opened her mouth to show me what to do.
This was what she did with Izzy.
It was the sweetest thing that she had ever done for me, and I loved her even more for it.
"Thank you." I said after I swallowed the first bite.
"You're welcome, and before you ask, I ate already."
"Good, I don't feel so bad eating in front of you then."
"Less talking, more eating." She scolded and then made an airplane noise as she delivered the next forkful.
"Seriously?" I said, and her mocking look came back.
"Hey, if we are going to do this, I'm going to give you the whole show."
"It'd be better if you were naked."
She blushed and swallowed back a laugh.
"I'll keep that in mind."
After breakfast, Ana helped me to my feet and into the shower.
It was so familiar for us to be showering together, even though we hadn't been naked together since March. She lovingly bathed me, taking her time to caress me as she sang the entire time sweetly.
My strength was back enough to stand on my own, but it still took a lot out of me.
Ana was dressing me back in my normal clothes, which only could mean that we were leaving soon.
That made me happy.
I hated this hospital business...it smelled like the clinic and made me remember things that I had been trying to push to the back of my mind.
"Dr. Ramirez is going to come in and speak to you in a little while. Then she's going to check you out. After that, we can go home...hopefully." She smiled at me through the mirror as she brushed my hair.
"Does it have anything to do with what you two were talking about in the hallway last night?"
She froze and looked at me with a shocked expression and then cleared her throat.
"You saw that?"
"So it does?" I asked as I tried to look into her eyes, but she wasn't looking back at me like before.
"It does." She said as she began to French braid my hair.
"It's bad...that's why you were crying last night after the talk...right?"
"You were asleep. How do you know that?"
She placed the brush down on the edge of the sink and then turned me around, so we were face to face. I could tell that she was trying to ease me into whatever bad news it was, and I couldn't bring myself to fight her on it. Especially since she'd taken such good care of me.
We brushed our teeth together, and afterward, she kissed me so sweetly that I felt like I could cry.
I hated that she was so fucking sad. I hated more that it was because of me.
"B, before the day gets...well...shitty...I wanted to know about this." She pointed between us and tried to grin at her, but her sadness was too heavy for a moment that she should be way happier than it was.
"You don't have to ask," I whispered before she could get the question out.
"I don't want you to regret this...us." She mumbled as she looked into my eyes with all the vulnerability she hid from the rest of the world.
"Never. It's you...always and only you." I whispered before leaning the rest of the way and sealing the kiss.
The moment that she pressed her lips back and she wrapped her arms around my neck and gripped the back of my head.
I knew that it was bad. I knew that something in my life was about to change, and she was doing what she could to prepare me for it.
Except...even with all the amazingness of Santana Lopez...not even she could defeat all of my monsters.
No matter how hard she tried.
When I entered the room with Ana just behind me, there sat Dr. Ramirez on one of the chairs. Dr. Cabot was here too...all the way from New York. They were talking to my therapist...my Lima one.
This was definitely bad.
I looked back at Ana, and she slid her hand into mine.
"I'm here, B...just remember that."
"Okay." I muttered as I sat at the end of the bed with Ana directly next to me.
Everything about that moment happened in slow motion. The way Ana placed a hand against my back and with the other, she held tight to my hand.
I ignored my therapist for the time being and looked straight at Dr. Ramirez.
"Tell me."
"The tests indicate that..." She looked at Ana, Dr. Cabot, and then at my therapist before looking back at me. "There was irreversible damage to your uterus caused by the infection being untreated for so long...you have scarring...you have what's called pelvic adhesions, and this has caused..." She took a deep breath and then looked at me. "I'm afraid that you will no longer be able to conceive. We are recommending a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and the pain."
I looked at Ana...not really understanding.
"What is she talking about?" I whispered.
"You can't have babies anymore...Britt. Like ever." she said as she squeezed my hand.
There was a squealing noise in my ears. I was suddenly watching the situation from outside of myself. Even the screaming that came afterward didn't sound human.
My only reason...the only thing that got me through that horrible day, as I lay in a room surrounded by lemons on that cold table, was the hope that once we were back together that I could try to have a baby with Ana someday.
I'd frozen my eggs, and I knew she'd carry them if I asked, but I had wanted, more than anything, to carry our next child on my own. Ana held me as I cried against her, and when the doctor wanted to sedate me, she made them leave the room.
She was trying to hold me and be strong for me, but I was beyond any help that she could give me.
This was my fault.
I had done this to myself.
This was my punishment for going against a blessing that God had given me.
I would never forgive myself.
Ana helped me lay down in the bed, and then she climbed in behind me and held me as I cried.
She was whispering against my ear, but I didn't hear her.
All I could think about was the sound of vacuums and the sickly smell of lemons.
I was disgusted with myself.
Santana's POV
"Are we slow today?" I asked Z.
"Yeah, Monday seems to be our slow day."
"Perfect, Britt needs to let out some stuff, and the fewer people around to witness it, the better. Can you clear out?"
"I can clear out the staff, pay them for the day. If you don't mind, though, I'd like to stick around."
"Sure, we should be there in about an hour or so."
Britt had forced me to sit on the couch while she cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom. I tried not to direct her about where I liked things because it wasn't about me.
"Did you check on the kids?" She asked as she came into the room with the vacuum.
"B, you've been out of the hospital for like an hour, shouldn't you take it easy?"
"If I stay still, I'll think, and I don't want that." She said sniffling. The sadness was right there, on the edges. I knew that feeling of needing to stay busy just to survive.
"Say less. I'll check on the kids. Are you almost done, though? I thought we could go over to the Rage Cage and maybe get a bunch of takeout before we go back to Mami's."
"I need a day, Ana. I can't see the kids yet. Not like this. We can do all of that except go to your mom's. Can we come back here?"
"Sure, baby."
"And I didn't hear you mention a meeting in all of that?"
"I will go tomorrow. I'm okay. The Rage Cage will be my meeting today and you, of course."
She smirked and then shooed me out of the way.
"Just because I'm not ready to see them doesn't mean I don't want to know how they are. Go to the room while I clean out here, please."
"Okay, okay, I'm going!"
Britt was still pale, and her body still had a shake to it, but hours after leaving the hospital, she insisted on moving still.
It made me nervous.
This was how I acted before I spiraled. My spiral into not eating or being tempted with wine still didn't freak me out as much as her spiral was anger and violence. Her therapist had slipped me his card before we left the hospital. Still, I was worried about contacting him without her permission.
While she destroyed a stack of ceramic plates and a semi beautiful tea set, I instead texted her mom.
How is she?-Susan
Avoiding.-Santana
Does that still include her father and me?-Susan
I think so. We're at the Rage Cage. I'm hoping she'll exhaust herself into letting out her emotions.-Santana
Do you mind if we go to the apartment and make her dinner, we can be gone before you get back? I just want her to know we are here when she's ready for some Mama smothering.-Susan
Yes! Rob has the key. She needs an iron-rich diet.-Santana
Got it, we'll head over now. How long will you be out?-Susan
She's almost done, Gonna take her to a meeting with me. She needs some kind of therapy. We are going to get some junk food. So two hours or so.-Santana
"Are you going to join in, or am I supposed to just do this alone?" Britt said to me, holding out an empty beer bottle. "It's too quiet. You should put music on in this place."
"Good idea, I'll tell Z."
"People should be able to pick their music too. Like what if I want to smash things to smooth jazz one day and like Paramore the next?"
"Good point. I was just-" I began, but she held up her hand.
"I don't care, just come break stuff with me. Please?"
Britt was in rare form, sure she was the obvious top in our relationship, but I had always been the more assertive one. I needed to throw out the whole book of expectations that I had of Britt because she had definitely changed.
I put a playlist on that was all rock. Britt grinned.
Once I was next to her, she handed me goggles and then slid the half-empty crate towards me.
At first, I just threw a bottle to make her happy. Still, then, I started thinking of how Grady had used and manipulated her, how she was losing all the best parts of herself while I was away trying to get better.
I let loose, and she kept bouncing up and down next to me, clapping her hands.
Before I knew it, I was reaching into an empty crate.
"I guess that's it. Do you want more?" I said, and she nodded.
"Nah. I'm tired. You were hurting too, I think you needed that. How do you feel?"
"Good. Check the time for me?" I asked her and looked at her phone, her face got sad for a split second, but then she put it back in her pocket and tried smiling again.
"5:45."
"Mind hitting up a meeting with me?" I asked her, and she just nodded.
"I don't mind, let's go."
The meeting hadn't started yet when we got there. People were milling around, having coffee, and chatting.
Walker was standing off to the side with Heather, looking worse than the day before. I could sense that she was going through a spiral of her own.
"Your new friend is here." I said to Britt, and she perked up.
"Why does Walker look sad?" She whispered to me as we walked towards them.
"I told you, Heather filed for divorce but then showed up to try and work things out."
"Oh. I forgot. So do we not like her?"
"I have no opinion of her. What I do know is that Walker looks like she's in pain."
"Yeah, me too." Britt muttered. "Don't tell her about me, okay? I'm not ready to make other people feel better about the worst thing in my life."
I stopped midstride and turned her towards me, our eyes meeting.
"B, I haven't even told my mom or yours. This is your story to tell. Your time, not theirs, or mine."
"Yeah? You mean that?"
"With my whole heart, B."
She pulled me into a hug, and we rocked there for a second before she pulled away and showed me the biggest grin.
"You're the best, baby. I'm so proud of you."
I kissed her and then wiped my lipstick from her lips.
It was easy to forget where we were and who was watching when I gave into just focusing on my wife. Everything else seemed to fade, so when the leader clapped her hands loudly to commence the meeting, I flinched.
I pulled Britt to my usual seat and smirked when I saw Walker doing the same thing.
But then Heather was sitting next to me, and Walker was on her other side.
I tried to let it roll off my shoulders. Still, it was annoying, she was annoying for that, and while I had no room to judge anyone else's marriage, I was hella pissed that my usually self-assured friend looked like a punished child.
When it was time for people to talk, I saw Heather nudge Walker as if she hadn't spoken a bunch of times.
"You're staring." Britt whispered in my ear, and I looked away.
Walker talked about her years of sobriety and how well she was doing with everything. Then my heart clenched when she said that she had gone to a bar yesterday after the meeting, how she ordered a drink but then she thought of Charlie, her wife, and her friends.
She gave Heather credit for convincing her to come, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes.
It was no surprise to me that at the end, Walker and Heather waved at us before leaving.
And when I went to call after her, Britt gripped my chin and turned my face until I looked up into her eyes.
"You can't save everyone. She's an adult, and if she needs you, she'll tell you."
"I know."
"I'm hungry. Wanna grab Breadstix?"
"How about just junk food? We can order when we get home if we decide we are hungry." I said.
"Sounds good."
Walker's whole situation made me anxious, but Britt was right. I couldn't save everyone. What do they always say on planes, put on your own mask before helping others? That was what I needed to do.
Britt held it together for way longer than I would have.
Coming home to flowers and dinner waiting for us from her parents made her turn pink.
Our junk food, movie marathon made her cuddly.
But the dark of midnight had her letting out everything that she'd been holding in.
I had just fallen asleep when she gripped me so tight that I squealed.
"I fucked up." She said when I turned around to look at her. I wiped at her tears, but she pushed my hand away. "I was so depressed after that I stopped eating, sleeping, and I didn't take the antibiotics. I don't think the clinic was a good one, Dr. Ramirez said that I was torn down there."
"We can sue them."
"I don't even know where it was. I just...I should have done something. I could have gone to Dr. Cabot. She took such good care of you. How could I be so stupid?"
"Stop it, you're a genius, B."
"I'm not."
"You are. Do you know how smart it is to freeze your eggs at 20? I can carry all the babies that you want."
"You hate being pregnant."
"I don't care."
"Well, I do. I want them to be happy babies."
"Uh, hello, have you met our kids?"
Britt was still crying, but she nodded.
"I miss them."
"We can go get them."
"I don't deserve them."
"Bullshit."
"I don't deserve you."
"Does anyone deserve anyone? We are all flawed. I won't let you beat yourself up over this. I want to carry your babies, B. I want you to have a piece of you inside of me!"
"Wanky." She said, a delirious laugh breaking through.
"But it has to be when we both decide. You aren't ready. You need to heal. We need to be more stable."
"Okay."
"I love you, B."
"Still?"
"Still, always." I kissed her damp, salty face over and over until she giggled again.
She was still endlessly sad, but I held her through it.
And I would continue to do so for however long it took.