fake smile (Ariana Grande)
Santana's POV
Saul snores like a fucking bear, and somehow, I was the only person in the room that couldn't sleep through it, and believe me, I tried.
I replaced my spot on the bed with pillows to keep Isaac from rolling onto the floor, and then I left the office, searching for a place to breathe.
The kitchen light was on, and since it was the middle of the night, I wasn't surprised to see Mami sitting all alone, going over case files and drinking coffee.
I was never sure when she slept, but it never seemed to be when everyone else did.
My instincts had me wanting to go upstairs to find coke remnants in the treehouse. If not that, I was sure that there was at least something in the basement wine cellar, but I ignored those instincts.
There were way too many people in this house to fuck up.
Marco had trained me better.
I had to move with intention with self-preservation always at the forefront of my mind. After my disappearing act, I knew that my whole family was on high alert, as was Walker.
So, even though I didn't want to talk, I went into the kitchen anyway.
Mami had her glasses perched on her nose and was taking notes. Her left hand flew across the page, and it made me smile. She was the only other person in the family that was a lefty. She was the one who taught me to write with confidence.
Isaac favored his left hand from what I had seen so far. If he did turn out to be left-handed, I would do the same thing with him. I'd teach my children to embrace themselves in all the ways that made them special.
"Don't stare at me, either come sit or take your butt to bed, don't be rude." Mami said, her hand still going.
How did she do that?
I walked to the stove and grabbed the percolator, bringing it to the island. I quietly fixed my coffee while Mami went right on working.
Normally, I let lingering silences exist between us, but I needed to talk.
I pulled my rosary from beneath my shirt and bowed my head, taking a moment to pray while I waited for an opening with my mother.
She cleared her throat and put her pen down. I finished my rosary and then looked up at her. I did not smile.
I had done that enough for the last few months, and tears were also off the table.
Right then, all I needed was to talk to the most rational person that I knew.
Mami tucked her yellow legal pad into the file and then closed it. She folded her hands on top and then looked at me with that questioning stare of hers.
"Hector got everything." She said. Feelings of shame and regret covered me. There were no feelings of relief.
"Okay."
"Do you think there is anymore in the house? Be honest with me."
"I have no idea, Mami." She nodded. I could see her mind working on the next question, but I spoke first. "I resisted going to search just now. I can't promise you that I won't look at some point."
"Is there anything at your apartment?"
"No."
"Do you need me to stay with you until you leave?"
"I don't think so. I know how to be clean, Mami. In rehab, I had the chance to get high...the drugs were right there, and I chose to say something. This summer, I had a brick of coke in my hands, and I still didn't take it. I got rid of it. Right now, I feel like shit. I'm tired, I am overwhelmed, and I am having a tough time managing my expectations."
"What can I do?"
"Right now, if you could distract me, that would help."
The grin that spread across her face was almost maniacal. "That, I can do."
"Yeah?"
"Yes." She turned on her tablet and scrolled through some things; then she slid it across the island towards me.
I read over the email before opening the attachment. "This is a contract. Why is this necessary?" I muttered.
"It is. Came through this morning, but with Thanksgiving dinner and the chaos of everything, I haven't had a chance to discuss it with you."
"Why didn't it go to Sal?"
She shrugged. "You have two lawyers, Mi'ja. Mercedes sent it to the one she knows. Besides, he is a bit overwhelmed. On the other hand, I have reached a point in my career where I can be selective. Contract work does the job, and I prefer not arguing in front of a jury. So, what do you think?"
"She's contracting me to write music for her...but why?"
"Because she wants to pay you."
"I already told her that she didn't need to...she should save her money."
"If Azimio or Walker or Rob told you that, would you listen?"
"Well, no. They should be paid for their work."
"Exactly."
"Right...so I should sign it?"
"Of course, Mercedes has always been one of my favorites of your friends. If I could trade one of them for her, I would do it in a heartbeat."
"But you love Quinn, right?" I asked, and she waved me off.
"That girl is practically your sister, your sexual dalliances aside. She is NOT who I was referring to."
"Okay, so what's the breakdown?"
"She wants to pay you to assist in writing her album, which I think is a great job for you right now. You're going to be at home with the kids, and writing music will keep you occupied. Routine is paramount for you. I don't think there are any losers in this situation."
"So you think that I, someone who is struggling with addiction, should commit myself to a contract?"
"Yes. Nena, you deserve this. Don't become defined by your mistakes. You are a businesswoman, a philanthropist, a good mother, and a wife."
"Not a good wife, though."
"I've seen worse."
"Gee, thanks."
"How are you feeling about moving back to New York?" Mami asked after I signed the contract. Her mood had shifted slightly, which meant that she wouldn't glaze over the looking for drugs in the house thing.
"Anxious but hopeful."
"Cautious optimism, then?"
"Yeah."
"Do you want to write a list of things you hope to accomplish when you get back?"
"Now?"
"Yes, when I leave you to figure things out on your own, you take an unnecessary amount of detours, but when you have an actual direction to go with your ambition, you're unstoppable. There were many times where I should have done better directing you. As your mother, I have failed." I opened my mouth to placate her, but she held up her hand to stop that noise. "I am not seeking pity. I'm working to course correct. You don't stop being a mom just because your children are grown."
"Okay, then let's do it."
She pulled her legal pad back out and folded a few of the pages back before picking up her pen.
"Let's get started."
"Wait...is this a list of a contract because you only put legal stuff on that paper. I remember getting scolded for using it for music notes."
"Yes. You got me, this is an agreement between us, on your next steps."
"What are the consequences of breaking this agreement?"
"Spoken like a woman who has spent her life surrounded by lawyers."
"In more ways than one." I quipped, but she didn't appreciate the reminder that I had spent a little too much time dealing with Marco's associates.
"The consequences can be of your choosing."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes, as long as the punishment or consequences match the action or lack thereof."
"That's reasonable."
"I know."
Mami's distraction of a to-do list kept me focused on what my next steps were for over an hour. I wrote for so long that my hand began to cramp, and the sun began to rise. She left me at the island counter and began to make breakfast.
When I finally finished, I could hear the stirrings of the house. I slid the pad back across the island face down. She grinned and came back over with fresh cups of coffee.
"How do you feel?" She asked me as I sipped from my cup.
I took a moment to collect my thoughts and found that the heaviness that had been plaguing me wasn't as heavy.
"Relieved to have it all written out."
"Good. Did you give thought to the consequences?"
"I did, and I wrote them down next to each item. I'm sure you'll make it neater, and when you do, I'll sign it."
The list was only five items long, but I had added details with each item.
For instance, I committed myself to move into a new place by December 15th so that we could be in a new home for Daniela's first birthday. The consequence of not doing that was allowing my mother to choose where we lived. I made sure to make the consequences things that I absolutely didn't want.
I had made a promise to Britt that she and I would decide on where to live and that it would be just OUR home in a way that the house had never been, and I planned to do everything in my power to keep that promise.
Getting my short term goals written down made me feel like I had a say in what came next, even though the way I was leaving Lima was not in the way that I planned; I'd reached a point that begged me to move on, and I knew that I needed to do what was best for my family. My kids needed stability, and come hell or high water, and I was committed to giving them that.
Mami picked up the legal pad and chuckled as she read. Then she picked up a pen, crossed out some things, and underlined others before tearing out the sheet and handing it to me.
"You should talk this over with your wife before we do anything further. Planning is what turns intention into action."
"Are you a walking quote book?"
"There are worse things to be, dear mi'ja. Also, I'm sure that your wife would love to see you when she wakes up."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess so. Thanks for occupying me, Mami."
"Anytime. Breakfast will be ready in an hour, if your little family is awake, it would be a great time to go outside."
I thought of Britt's sadness after getting out of the hospital and how much she wanted to play in the snow with the kids.
Mami was right.
Being able to be those two teenage girls who knew when to shake off the bullshit and have fun seemed to be what my marriage lacked the most.
Course correcting wasn't just Mami's mission; it was also mine.
Brittany's POV
I had been reliving the sounds of my wife moaning while I paddled her sweet ass when I was shocked awake by a pain in my chest. I opened my eyes and looked down, only to see Dani trying to latch onto my boob through my shirt.
How did Ana do this?
When I looked over at Izzy, his spot on the bed was empty, and so was Ana's. I sat up in a panic, thinking the worst because that was what I got used to, but there she was, standing in the window with Izzy in her arms while she pointed out at the snow.
Dani's lip began to wiggle, and I knew that the scream was coming.
Saul, Mari, and Norah were all still asleep, and I didn't want to disturb them. I picked up Quackers and launched him towards my wife. She turned in that moment, and it hit her right on her nose.
Izzy burst into giggles, and Ana glared at me.
"Throwing stuff at people isn't nice or funny, mister." She scolded Izzy, but he just laughed harder. Which made the baby laugh and avoided a scream. I'm sure Mari and Saul would much rather wake up to baby giggles than screams.
She came over to the bed and dropped Izzy onto it. He stopped laughing immediately and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at his Mami. I guess she'd seriously hurt his feelings.
Ana leaned over and kissed me. Her face didn't smell like smoke, thankfully. When she'd left the bed, I had watched her creep out of the room and was sure that she was going on a search for cigarettes. Maybe she had and changed her mind?
"Morning, Baby." I mumbled.
"Up for a snowball fight?" Her eyes were twinkling. I smiled so hard that it made my cheeks hurt as I nodded.
"Awesome, let's get ready for breakfast, and then we are going to play in the snow."
"Is that an open invitation?" I looked across the room and saw Mari curled up on her side, watching us.
"Uh yeah, sis, we can't have a war without targets." Ana teased, and that just got her sister excited. She was excitedly waking up Saul. If she was anything like Ana, this would be more like a real war than a fake one.
Ana escaped upstairs to get clothes for the kids and then returned with Quinn and Celia behind her.
"I hear there's a war brewing?" Celia said loudly, and Quinn slapped her arm.
"You're loud."
"So what? Everyone's awake."
"Why are all of you early risers? Do you know how long it took me to condition Santana to hate mornings, only for her to go out and have kids who got rid of my programming?" Q grumbled. Ana picked up Quackers and hurled him at Quinn, and it was Izzy who reacted.
"Hey! No, nice!" He yelled at Ana, and we all laughed.
Quinn acted extra dramatic and pretended to cry, which only made Izzy angrier. He yelled at Ana while pointing at Quinn. "Sorry, Dama!" He told her, and Ana threw up her hands in surrender.
"Okay, geez. Sorry, Dama."
"No problem, I'll get my retribution outside."`
"If you throw snowballs like you do dodgeballs, we have nothing to worry about, Quinnie." I said, and Quinn rolled her eyes.
"It is not my fault that everyone sucked but me, and you two had the skill of the Cheerios behind you."
"Excuses, excuses."
"It's so on, Santana!" Quinn said and then turned and did a proper Rachel Berry storm out.
Once there was a war on the horizon, everyone was buzzing as we formed teams over breakfast and then trudged out to the tennis courts so that the kids didn't wander too much.
Saul and Johnny took the super small kids over to the side to play without getting in the way of the insane adults.
Just as we were getting together on either side of the net to make our snowballs, Quinn came running onto the court with Izzy, "Dibs!" She yelled.
"Hey, he's too small!" Ana called out, but then Sandra, who was on our team, pointed over at Evan and Xavier, forming snowballs on the side; Izzy toddled over to them. They showed him how to make them.
"We have Xavier. They are the helpers for each team while Evan helps, so she just shot herself in the foot because Izzy's hands are so small."
Quinn had something to prove as she hurled her first snowball right at my wife's head, but I nudged her out of the way and used two hands to launch a giant piece of snow across the court.
"Shit, that's ice, B!" Quinn yelled.
"Is that not fair game?" I played dumb, and Quinn was dumbfounded, good.
Once she was thrown off, the war began.
Santana's POV
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
We were having fun, a blast even, but then Quinn got mad that she was losing and used B's tactic and threw ice at us.
It sliced right across Mari's cheek, which brought the game to a halt once we saw blood.
Quinn rushed over and was apologetic, but Mari was furious.
"Back off." She said as she held a gloved hand to her face and walked off the court.
"You always gots to go too far, don't you Q ball." I snapped, and Quinn actually had tears in her eyes.
When we got back inside, Mami, who had warmed up leftovers, was standing at the counter cleaning off Mari's cut.
Quinn was hovering, but there wasn't really much she could do. It wasn't a deep cut, but the blood made it more dramatic than it was.
And of all of my sisters, Mari was the MOST dramatic. Where I would normally throw in a barb, I decided to shut my mouth.
I had things on my mind, and while the snowball fight helped me to chill out figuratively and literally, I was itching to go home.
Britt must have been paying attention because she pulled me out of the kitchen and into the foyer.
"Hector dug out all of the cars. Do you want to go home?"
"Please?"
"Are you guys leaving?" Q said, looking flushed and near tears.
I bit my lip, not wanting to have a third wheel. Britt, though, was deciding to take over all of the bullshit today. Her mind is still [probably concerned about my breakdown the night before.
"We are. Do you need a ride?"
"Yeah, if you don't mind. Ceily just snapped at me. We already were fighting last night about Rachel. I need some fucking space and San, don't look like that. I had no intention of bothering you guys. I just didn't drive here."
I didn't bother defending myself, no one knew me better than Q, and anything I said in defense would be a lie, so I just shut up.
"Baby, why don't you go heat up the car? Q and I will get the kids." Britt yanked Quinn back towards the kitchen and left me standing in the foyer.
And I don't know what about that angered me, but the tears were fighting to breakthrough.
Like the saving grace that she's been, my phone rang, and Walker's face popped up.
Sometimes God sees your need and makes things happen, and sometimes you just make the right friends.
With Walker, I was sure that it was both things.
When we finally got back to the apartment, the property crew that I inherited by joining with Walker was hard at work salting the lot and walkways. Even though I was the only tenant, I was happy to see that the property was being taken care of.
"Good morning, miss!" One of the guys said as he stepped to the side for us.
"Buenos días, make sure that when you're finished, you take the crew to the Lima Bean for coffee or hot chocolate. Wear your uniform shirt, so they give it to you on the house."
He nodded happily.
"Thank you!"
It felt good to give back to people, especially when they did work that I damn sure didn't have any interest in doing.
When we went right, and Quinn went left towards the other apartment, Izzy freaked out. "No, hit, Dama!" He screeched. He was leaning out Britt's arms and kicking his little legs.
Quinn smirked and held her arms out.
"I'm heading home tomorrow, so I might as well get in some time with my little man."
"Are you sure?" B asked as she handed him over.
"Yup. I was probably just going to stew and get more upset. It will be nice to not do that."
"Okay, let us know if you need anything."
"Yup." Quinn took our son into the apartment and shut the door before I even got our door open.
Britt unzipped her jacket and out popped Daniela's head. She looked around and then rested her head back down onto Britt's chest.
"I think she's ready for a nap." B said.
"Me too."
"Do you want to pop out a boob, or should I get a bottle?"
"Um...a bottle."
"I don't blame you; she bit me this morning thinking I was you."
"Ouch."
"I don't know how you do it."
"I'd be fine if she wasn't a sadist. Every time I say ow, she bites me again."
"Like Mami, like daughter."
"No, ma'am, that sadistic shit comes from Marco."
"I can't argue with that."
"I don't even think he would argue with that." I crossed myself, and Britt shook her head.
"Really?"
"It's hard not to say a prayer for the dead, B...I'm not heartless."
"That's new." She muttered, and I pretended not to hear it because I knew it would become something bigger.
Pick your battles, Lopez.
There was no more milk pumped, and Daniela was opening and closing her fists at me as she stood in the middle of the floor.
Britt was scrambling around for my pump, but I had left that at Mami's.
I held my boobs, trying to stop my boobs from leaking, but they leaked a little more with every whine from Daniela.
"Fine, you win!" I said to the baby, scooping her up, and she immediately was grabbing at my shirt. "You need to wait. Crap. Ow, don't bite!" I shrieked, and the baby let out something between a giggle and a whine.
Britt came back into the living room looking defeated, ready to let me down, but the baby was already latched on by the time that she did.
"You gave in. I searched for the travel one, but that's missing too."
"Um...that one broke."
"When?"
"It doesn't matter; we have other things to discuss. Can you grab that folded up piece of paper from my coat?"
Britt wasn't as good as I was when it came to letting things roll off of her, at least not when it came to me.
She walked over to the coat rack and stuffed her hands in my pockets.
When she turned back around, she had the paper and a pack of cigarettes.
Ones I had forgotten that I had filched from Ceily's pocket on the way out.
"You said that you'd stop."
"I know."
"When did you get these?"
"I took them from Ceily."
"Is that all you took from the house?" I looked away from her and down at Daniela. She was looking up at me in fascination. I ran my thumb across her forehead, and she closed her eyes. "Please answer me, Santana...please?"
I looked up at B and nodded.
"That's all that I took. I don't blame you for not believing me...those are all I took because that's all I had time for. I barely had a moment alone for days. I took those when you left me in the foyer."
"So you're back to being sneaky?"
"No...I...I messed up okay. I'm sorry. I won't do it again, just...please come sit with us. Please, B?"
When I said us, she looked down at Daniela and gave me a fake smile. She put the cigarettes in her pocket and then sat down on the recliner.
"Does it hurt?" She asked.
"Yeah, but mainly when she bites. I put nipple butter on to help with the cracking." Britt cringed.
"So I can't suck them anymore? Are they like broken forever now?"
"No, B. Once I ween her off of me, which officially is happening on her birthday in a few weeks, my nipples will heal, and they'll be all yours again."
"Good, I'm not a fan of sharing."
"That's new." I muttered. So I guess I didn't let her little wisecrack go.
Oh well.
A petty bitch is a petty bitch.
Brittany's POV
I'd started it; I knew that a fight was coming between us from the moment I said that's new to her heartless comment. It was a slip. There is so much that Grady has opened my eyes to about her that I can't seem to forget.
No matter how untrue his words were, they stuck with me, and it could be hard to shut up when something she said or did matches up with something Grady said.
He didn't even know her, all the things he said were just his opinions, but I took them as fact.
When she got me back, though, I just chuckled about being a fan of sharing because I didn't want what I knew was coming.
This was supposed to be a new start for us. In just two days, we were supposed to be going home to New York, and I didn't want that to get started wrong.
Especially not because of me.
When Ana pulled her boob away from Dani, she let out a whine but then curled up against Ana, a hand on her boob for safekeeping, I guess.
"Do you want me to put her in the crib?" I asked. Ana looked at the baby for a moment, running her fingers through curls and leaning in for a kiss on her forehead.
"No, I'll hold her for a while."
"Won't us talking wake her?"
"She's milk drunk; as long as we don't scream at each other, she'll be fine." She looked at me then, and I knew that she knew a fight was brewing.
It made me relieved that she felt it and wanted to avoid it too.
"So what's this paper?" I asked, afraid to unfold it.
"This morning, I left the room with the intention to do something, I don't know what, but it wasn't good. Instead, I ran into Mami, and we talked. Then she helped me write an agreement. It's like a binding to-do list that has real consequences. I wanted to share it with you because we are married, and everything I do affects you. I want to start acting like we instead of just Santana and Brittany."
She was starting to ramble.
"Can I look at it?"
"Yes."
I opened it and looked at her beautiful looped handwriting. Seeing it always made me smile.
"Are you smiling at my handwriting?" I looked up and grinned, which made her smile.
"Yeah, it's cute."
"It's not cute. It's cursive and professional."
"Yeah, but also, it's cute."
"Read."
"Blah blah blah...one, I will move into the house in midtown and find a new home by December 15th, or M. Gladys Lopez will be given the approval to choose my residence." I felt my heart sink. "I don't like that one." I said, waiting for an explanation.
"Me either, which is why once you are done reading, you and I are going to start looking at places immediately."
"Good. Blah blah, okay two, I will attend meetings five days a week until I reach one year of sobriety, or M. Gladys Lopez will be given approval to randomly drug test me." I smirked. I kind of liked that one, but I didn't say anything. I just looked up at her.
"You like that one, don't you?"
"A little bit."
"I want to be clean, B. I will have moments of temptation, but my will to be clean is still very much intact, I promise you."
Swears and promises from her meant shit to me. I just wouldn't tell her that...I didn't want to fight, and I didn't want to trigger her defensive wall fallback.
"Okay."
"You believe me, don't you?"
"Yes." I lied, and then I looked back down at the paper, "I will make time to date my wife at least once a week, at which time the children will be in the care of my mother or..." I looked up at Ana, "Baby, you left this part blank."
"That's because it's not up to my mother to decide what the consequence of us not dating is...so I left it blank for you."
"Oh. Um, people get busy, there shouldn't be a consequence. Instead, it should be, if I can't make time to go out, I'll sit down to dinner with my family at least twice a week."
She handed me a pen and waited for me to write down what I had just said. Then she said, "Mami's going to want a consequence."
"Um...if we both fail to make time for each other, we will go on a double date with your mom and Hector on a date of their choosing."
"Oh, that's a good one; the last thing I want is to see my mother sucking face with my godfather...gross."
"Okay, last two. I will prioritize my career in songwriting and music, or I will go to college." I grinned. "I like this one, but it doesn't really have a consequence. Why?"
"Mami said that not doing something with my life would eventually become its own punishment."
"Seems legit. Okay, last one. I will never disappear again without telling anyone. If I do, I will relinquish all of my holdings to the ownership of my wife for one calendar year."
"What?!"
"Leaving was stupid. At the very least, I should have told Walker. It was dumb and reckless. I'm sorry."
"I don't want that kind of responsibility."
"I know, but there is no one I trust more to not be petty about it. We fight and disagree...you might even step out on me, which...is partly my fault, but I know you wouldn't shortchange me."
"No, I wouldn't."
"So what do you think?"
"It feels unnecessary to me, but that's just because I don't feel like you need it. I'm probably wrong, though."
"You are, but that's okay. I appreciate your honesty." She said, looking hurt but trying not to sound like it.
Things with her all of a sudden felt awkward. I didn't like it.
Santana's POV
The weight of my baby girl in my arms is supposed to keep the shakes away, but it doesn't. I'm trying like hell to keep myself still while talking to B, but my palms started to itch to no avail.
I needed a meeting or a stimulant of some kind.
Anything to form a high.
With the way that things are with Britt, I'm never sure if sex is on the table.
But it doesn't hurt to ask.
"B?"
She had been staring down at the paper for a long time and biting at her lip, but now she was staring at me, waiting for something.
"Yes?"
"Can you put her to bed?"
Britt got up so fast that she had to reach out and grab the arm of the recliner when she got a headrush. I smirked at her but tried to keep my snide comments to myself, which is a skill that I wish I had in high school or at least with Marco. Maybe I would have had fewer black eyes.
"Sure, Ana." She seemed frustrated as she rubbed at her face. Then she scooped up Daniela and smothered her face in light kisses. "I love you, Dani. My sweet little gumdrop."
Is it weird that seeing her be amazing to our child turned me on?
"When you come back, maybe you can put me to bed too?" She had been mid-turn when I said it. Without saying a word to me, she strutted away while humming that damn lollipop song.
The memory of me spread out on my kitchen table while she ravished me resurfaced, and the shivers that resulted were definitely the byproduct of the things she could do to me.
I got up from the couch and stretched, walking over to the window to admire my old stomping grounds while I waited. While I stood there, I caught sight of a single person running through the snow on the track. They ran with an enviable determination. I found myself wishing that I had the energy and strength to run alongside them.
Warm hands ran over my hips and under my shirt.
Britt was careful to just skim my nipples as she lifted my shirt from my body.
"Someone might see." I whispered, but I made no moves to stop her when she crouched behind me and began to pull at my sweatpants.
"Let them watch."
"I thought you didn't like to share." I couldn't resist. I yelped when she swatted my ass in response.
"Don't be mean." She was standing again, she put one hand on my hip and, with the other, pushed my back until I was pressed against the cold glass. "Spread your legs." I stepped out of the sweats that were puddled around my ankles and did as she commanded.
"What are you going to do?" I felt nervous and exposed. Had she already forgotten that her parents and Quinn had keys to this apartment? "What if the camera sees?"
"Trust me."
"I can't." I admitted, and with that, her warm hands left my body.
"Do you want me to stop?" She sounded defeated. I went to stand, but she swatted my ass again. "Answer me."
"No."
"But you don't trust me?"
"I'm trying, but you've betrayed me so much, B." I stuck my ass out, waiting for the next swat, and was tempted to piss her off just so she'd spank me into forgetting that I was craving coke. "You're so gentle with me...like I'll break, but you fuck everyone else...so much better."
"I don't."
"You do. I saw you." I had been holding that card up my sleeve for months. "I watched him fuck you in our bed, and I watched you...suck him off...I watched you be a bigger slut than I ever was. You always loved being fucked into oblivion." Once I started talking, I couldn't stop.
"How?" I went to stand again, and this time she swatted me twice, "Stay...I'm enjoying watching how wet you're getting while you think about me with him. It disgusts you, but it turns you on. You're dripping, Baby. What else did you see?"
"You pegged him." I admitted, and she chuckled.
"He'd be so mad if he knew that you saw."
"Watching you ride him like that...I was fresh out of rehab, and I was horny."
"You got off on it?" Her hands were rubbing my ass now, and I groaned.
"Yes."
"He cried after and begged me to not tell anyone."
I groaned when Britt's fingers pressed into me, but even after all this, she was still gentle.
"Give it to me, B...please? Make the shakes go away."
After confirmation that I was craving, Britt seemed to enter a different headspace. "Don't move." She said before walking away from me. I rested my face on my arms and watched the person running still.
Had I been that determined and dedicated?
I stared at the white snow and connected it with cocaine...in my mind, I was that person, running through the coke, determined to not let it slow me down.
When Britt came back, I was practically salivating as I rubbed my palms together.
"I said don't move." She said, her voice sounding firm.
I bent back over and stuck my ass out, expecting her hand but getting the paddle instead. "How bad is it?"
"Bad."
"1-10? Ten be you going on a complete coke binge."
"Nine, then." I said.
"Nine swats on each cheek then."
"Okay."
I bit my lip as she made my ass ache. When she was done, she was on me, fucking me up against the window like we'd done in Lake George, just before she tricked me into rehab, and I tricked her by signing myself out.
Her hands worked my body over until I was shaking and barely strong enough to hold myself up.
"I'm taking you to bed." She whispered to me as she cradled me in her arms.
"Mmmhmm."
Every minute of sleep that I had missed the night before hit me like a train once Britt was through with me. I fell into a state of bliss and laid there dreamlessly for an eternity.
I woke up alone, tucked in my big comforter with the noise machine whirling.
The sun was still out, but it wasn't as bright as before.
Britt's laughter rang through the apartment, and then I heard muffled voices before she laughed again.
So much for being alone.
When I went to move, the soreness hit me like a freight train. I sat up and chuckled when I saw two aspirin and a glass of water on the side table.
After taking them and stretching every joint, I placed my feet on the carpet and just sat there, staring at the wall. My brain was in a fog, and I felt sluggish like I had slept too much.
Her laughter was closer now, and then the door opened, and Britt was standing there, staring at me.
"Hey baby, how do you feel?"
"Sore."
"Good...any shaking?"
"No. I'm just in a daze. How long did I sleep?"
"Four hours."
"Is someone here?"
"Yes, it wasn't my idea, but I think it's a good one." She shut the door and then came over to me, kneeling down and running her palms up and down my bare thighs. "When you passed out, I called Walker. She was on her way back to Lima and says the roads are terrible. There's more snow coming too. She thought it would be good for you to have a meeting."
"Yeah?"
"Yes, she's bringing it to you. Charlie is helping her set up downstairs. I invited Rachel, and she's inviting a few people from your group."
"Really?"
"Yup, she wanted to do it up here, but I told her that it was crossing a privacy line between you and the people in your group."
"Thanks, B."
"You're welcome, get dressed, and when you are ready, we'll head down."
"Are you coming with me?"
"Only if you want me to."
And I didn't.
I needed to have this to myself...just for today.
"Not today." I admitted.
"That's fine. I was going to grab some dinner for us. Dani is over with Quinn."
I nodded and then gripped her face. I dropped kisses on her nose and cheeks, then finally her lips.
"Sounds good."
"Quick question, How many cameras are in our lives?"
"It was all Sandra's doing after my overdose...this is the only room that doesn't have a camera...and the bathrooms too."
"Well, that's dumb. Anyone that knows you knows that you like to use surfaces and the bathroom counter is one of your favorites."
I shivered.
"Don't remind me." I felt the shakes again. "Still at a 9, B."
"Right, sorry."
"I should get up, I guess."
"Yeah, you should."
Brittany's POV
I was trying really hard with Ana. I fucked her just as hard as I would anyone else that didn't mean as much as she did. Even with that, she still woke up bitchy. I could see it in the way she moved.
I had been distracted from my own hurts in all of our reconciling until she brought up Grady, falling back on an old habit. While she slept, I pulled up the picture of the sonogram and just stared at it.
Then I thought of her body shaking and the way she was borderline with this addiction again.
She'd been fine before I came back into her life full-time. Guilt filled up my stomach and my head. I had to make it right.
Calling Walker had been the first thing that I thought of, and I was happy when she didn't seem annoyed by me calling her.
I was a wreck after hanging up with her, and then I thought it would be good to take the baby to Q. So I changed her while she slept before draping my coat over her and taking her across the hall.
Q had her reading glasses on and a record playing. When I handed her the baby and went to explain, she just shook her head.
"Go deal with whatever you need to. This is an honor. For you, specifically, to trust me still, especially with these two angels, is huge. I recognize that, so if you are coming here like this, I know you need it. I love you guys, now go."
I cleaned the apartment while I waited for Walker. When that was done, I began washing clothes, but then I sat there again, staring at that sonogram and crying.
So I brought her up to the apartment, and she commented that it smelled like sex. I shrugged and told her that I had cleaned the best I could, but good sex seems to linger. We talked about her and Heather, then I walked her through everything that Ana had done since I had found her.
When I told her how Ana described her desire to use at a 9 out of 10, she looked concerned.
She told me she'd call people to come to have a meeting downstairs and asked me to call Rachel.
Walker put me in charge of getting Ana dressed and downstairs for the meeting. She joked that I should only do that and not bang her again.
I'm not going to lie, I was tempted, but then I saw her sitting there on the edge of the bed, rubbing her palms together and rocking. I don't even think that she was conscious of it.
It didn't feel like a hypothetical situation; it felt like it was eventual.
She was going to use drugs if we didn't pull her from the brink.
The move would be a good distraction, but that was IF the meeting helped her.
After I delivered her to the apartment door and asked a second time if she needed me there, only for her to snap at me, I didn't push. Walker opened the door and yanked Ana inside, winking at me.
"I've got her. Go cathart."
"Huh?"
"It's not a real word; I just mean that you should go do something that makes you happy, Brittany."
Ana suddenly took her head out of her ass and froze in the doorway, "What's wrong with you? Did I miss something?"
"Have a good meeting, Ana. I'm going to go...what was the word?" I asked Walker, and she grinned.
"Cathart."
"That. If I'm not back before you're done, don't worry about being alone, Walker plans to talk your ear off. I love you, Byeee." I jingled her car keys and then left her standing there looking way confused.
Good.
She had her own stuff going on, but it'd be nice if she was aware of what her moods did to me.
Hadn't I just given her outstanding sex?
I mean, I should get sweet Santana for just a little while.
It's only right.
Britt, call me!-Ari
I had been just about to pull out of the lot when my phone buzzed with that message.
Then another came in.
Brittany, it's Frankie. Is everything ok? Call me if you need to talk.-unknown
I hadn't heard from Frankie in months, what was going on.
And then, the call came.
Tony.
Santana's POV
I was facing the parking lot, which meant that I had a line of sight on B.
While everyone talked, I watched her answer the phone and then, moment by moment, breakdown.
She was yelling and waving her arms, then she was just sitting there, head back staring at the ceiling, weeping.
"Santana?" I looked at Walker, having no idea what she was talking about.
"What?"
"Are we interrupting you?"
"Kind of."
"What do you want to be doing right now?" I glared at Walker.
"What do you think?"
"I have no idea."
"First off, I would really like to take this edge off, and I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I can't even fucking smoke, but then she does shit like this, and I'm supposed to be able to just fucking deal!" I pointed towards the window, and everyone looked. Seeing Britt hurting made me ache. I hated it.
"What do you think she'd be like if you overdosed and died?" Rachel asked, and I swear I wanted to shove my foot through her face.
"Worse than this."
"Well then, the solution to your current state is obvious, Santana. See her breaking down as a preview of what her life would be like if you gave in to these urges."
"You're one to talk, Hobbit." I snapped at her, and she recoiled.
There was no apology that I could offer; I was way too angry.
"Can I just go check on her?" I said to Walker, and she shook her head as she looked down at her phone. Then she looked out the window and watched Britt look at her phone and then straight ahead at me.
She gave me a watery smile and then winked before pulling out of the lot.
"See, she's okay."
"No, she's just going to have her breakdown somewhere else."
"Maybe that's what she needs. You don't always need to be the hero."
"I know."
"If you're just going to say what I want to hear, then just sit there, and we can move on to someone else."
After everyone left, Walker stayed where she was sitting and stared down at her folded hands.
My angry façade fell away, and I moved to the seat closest to her. "I'm sorry I went to that place. I just have rage."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah."
"Walker, can you look at me, please?"
She looked up at me, and her eyes were red-rimmed. She was near tears, and I hated that I had moved her to that point.
"When did you do it?" I sat there feeling shocked.
"Do what?"
"You're not sober, Santana."
"I am."
"You may not be on coke, but you took something. This isn't you."
I sighed and admitted to her what I didn't want to admit to myself.
"I swiped a few of Quinn's Adderall back at the house after everything. My anxiety has been through the roof, but it's not a narcotic...not in the way that painkillers are. I was just trying to manage my own shit. Panic attacks come more frequently when I'm craving, you know?"
"Does Britt know?"
"No one does. She left me alone in the foyer, and I went through people's shit. I stole Celia's cigarettes and a few pills, like three or four."
"You shouldn't be taking pills without a prescription, you know that."
"I know."
"Come on, I need you to do something."
"What?"
"Follow me."
I nervously followed Walker upstairs to the apartment, but then she turned right and knocked on the door.
Charlie opened it and hugged his mom tight, then pulled back and looked into her eyes. They were the same height now; I swear the kid grew a foot since I met him.
"I'm proud of you, Mama. I love you." Walker rolled her eyes and hugged her son.
"You say this after every meeting, Char, I know."
"Just like you tell me after every practice and game that you are proud of me and that you love me."
"Smartass."
I followed the two of them into the apartment.
Quinn was on the floor, holding her arms open to my baby girl. We got quiet and watched, but Daniela wouldn't move. Walker was recording and whispered to me. "Get down, and call her Santana."
I slid down to the floor and then whistled. Daniela turned her head and grinned when she saw me. I stretched her arms to her, and then she took a step, then looked around, and took another. "Come on, mi'ja, you can do it." I was crying now, but I didn't stop smiling.
She made it about halfway, and then Izzy clapped, and it startled her. She fell onto her butt and clapped with him. So we all clapped.
The moment was enough to get me to stop being so fucking stupid.
"Now that we witnessed perfection, Charlie is going to take the kids to the other room while the adults talk."
Quinn was on alert as she got up from the floor. "What happened?"
Walker didn't speak until the kids were out of earshot, not that my kids even understood this stuff.
"What did you do, San?"
"Quinn, it's important to not put her on the defensive."
"Walker, I have tried every method with my best friend. I have stood by while she's been abused. I have cleaned numerous bodily fluids off her body, and I know for a fact that if I...not anyone else, but me specifically if I am too nice and not direct, she bullshits me." Walker nodded, deferring to Quinn, who was staring me down. "So what did you do, San?"
"I swiped Ceily cigarettes and some of your pills."
"Wait...which pills?" She tilted her head and knew she thought I touched her old painkillers, but that's not what was in her overnight bag.
"Adderall."
"Why? I barely take them, despite being told that I need to."
"I needed something to help me through the panic, and when I looked through your bag and saw those, I took a couple."
"Are you going to give them back?"
"Well, I like took all of them today."
"How many?"
"Three."
"That's way too many! It's not only for anxiety, but people also use it to suppress appetites, and you are already a fucking twig." She looked like she wanted to hit me as she moved in close to me. "I swear if this is because you feel fat, Santana, this isn't the way. You are missing so much and taking pills, smoking, running away...none of that fixes anything. Unless you don't care and just want to die?"
"I don't."
"Okay, well fucking prove that you want to live. Do you know how much I've sacrificed for you and still would sacrifice? If you need a prescription, we can go to a doctor and get you evaluated but don't cross that line. I mean, what was the end goal of stealing from me? "
"I'm sorry."
"That doesn't answer the question."
"I told you, I just needed something to take the edge off."
"After a snowball fight? That didn't take the edge off enough?"
"No."
"Where do we go from here, San?"
"I don't know, are you going to actually stop talking to me?"
"Of course not. Someone has to be stable for those kids. I am their stability. Not even B is all there...your mom is supermom one minute and a ghost the next. I am their true north, and I won't sacrifice that. That's my line. So, how can I help you through this little hiccup?"
"I guess getting evaluated wouldn't hurt."
"Okay, that I can help you with, but in the meantime, no more extra pills and just talk to me. Like you used to when you felt overwhelmed, I am still here for you. I am still your best friend."
"Okay."
"Are you sticking around? Should I cook something?"
"Until B gets back if you don't mind."
"I don't. Thanks for making her tell me, Walker. She wouldn't have, not this soon."
"I know. Santana, don't forget that we still need to talk over business plans."
"Right, okay."
"I'll be around."
Brittany's POV
"Thank you for talking me down." I said to Ari as she sat in the passenger seat and chowed down on her burger.
"Thanks for the burger."
"If you don't slow down, you'll choke."
"You sound like my mom." Her face fell after that. She swallowed hard and then put her burger down. "I'm sorry you got suspended."
"Me too."
"You know that they'll give you your job back if you're honest with them."
"I don't think so. I fucked Grady on the stage when I was his boss. No honesty's going to fix this. It's in their hands."
"Maybe if you get Frankie on your side?"
"That won't help, she's August's protege, but Frank, he doesn't care. The only person he falls all over himself for...is you."
"Well, you have my support."
"I better after you fucked my wife." I muttered as I swirled my French fries in ketchup.
"Right."
"I'm not mad about it. I'm just saying...you know?"
"Yeah, I know."
"And then there's her and me, we are so messed up right now...I'm stressed."
"Is it because of me?"
"Honestly, no. Crazy right, it's more about Grady and how much he got in my head about her. He talked so much shit about how she's a user, not just of drugs but people."
"But she's not. Anita is the most generous person that I know."
"I know, but I was mad when I told him about her throwing money at things to make them go away, how she'd probably do that with him."
"Do you think that's why he got you pregnant?"
"I didn't before, but I do now. When he realized she wasn't going to pay him to go away or pay me alimony, he got all shifty."
"He's the fucking user."
"Harsh." I said.
"He used you, B. For the job, for sex, and money. Didn't you say he bought a bunch of sneakers on your joint credit card?"
"Yeah, Ana hasn't even noticed."
"I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. She doesn't need the added stress."
"Neither do I."
"So what's the plan, you go and beg for your job back?"
"Pretty much, they only gave me two weeks off, and I took a whole month."
"Well, it might be time to lay it all out, even if it means you have to be a perfect employee from here on out."
"Maybe you're right."
"I'm definitely right. Besides, if I throw a fit, Frank will at least listen to what you have to say."
"And you will, right?"
"Absolutely, I'll even knock shit over if you want."
"Good because you just might have to."
I had wanted so badly to be alone with Ana but today proved that we don't really know how to be alone anymore.
How were we going to go to New York and live alone?
After dropping off Ari at the airport, I stopped back at the Rage Cage for ice cream and then went straight to Gladys' house.
It was always weird to be there without Ana.
But when I pulled up, the kids were outside with Celia kicking a soccer ball back and forth.
When I stepped out of the car, they stopped playing and watched me instead.
I think they were waiting for Ana to climb out of the car or for me to bring a kid out, but I shut the door and walked straight for Celia.
"What's up, B? Is Ana okay?"
"Yeah, I just wanted to give you these back." I handed her the cigarettes, and she raised an eyebrow, then held up a finger and spoke to the kids in Spanish. Evan took Xavier inside after waving bye to me.
"I thought one of the guys swiped them or Hector."
"Well, it was Ana. She didn't smoke any, though."
"Thanks. Everything okay?"
"What are your intentions with Quinn?"
"Seriously?"
"Yes. If Ana isn't going to ask you, then I will."
"She did when we first started messing around."
"Okay, that was two years ago, and you and I share in the hurt of them sleeping together." Celia flinched, but I just kept on because Ana sleeping with Quinn was like three people ago. "Quinn is serious about you. She's been dealing with school and the chance to maybe get Beth back. She's always preaching to us about stability. I think it's partly because she needs it. I want to kick her ass if she even looks at Santana too long, but she doesn't, not like before. She keeps coming back to you because she LOVES you. Don't punish her for this. Please?"
"You're sure that they are done?"
"Positive."
"You know my sister is screwing around still, right? I mean, the list is longer than it should be for a married woman."
"I know, but I think that she's done too."
"How can you be sure?"
"Even after everything, the lying and dumb mistakes, I still trust her."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I am. I wasn't, but the way she has stuck by me through this and still insists on carrying my children and letting me be a mom to hers...I trust her."
"Even when it comes to drugs?"
I took a deep breath because that was a hard one.
"She's a work in progress, and addiction is a lifelong thing. Like with my anger, I do everything I can to stop it, but it is still there. Her addiction and eating disorder are like that. I have faith in her, and I know that it's going to be hard sometimes, but she's worth it."
"I think Quinn is too. Honestly, I'd say that my intent is to marry Quinn Fabray when she graduates from Columbia."
"Then, take it from me, someone who toyed with Santana when she was first falling for me, the longer you wait for a person, the harder it becomes, and the more people get in between. If I had not wasted time with Artie or Finn, she would never have felt a moment of doubt like she did when Marco came back around. I blame myself for that. I didn't fight for her like I should have...like she deserved. Don't make that mistake, Ceily."
"Okay, I think you're right. I'm going to pack up some food since Gladys has been bitching all day about everyone needing to eat, and I'm sure you don't feel like cooking dinner."
"I don't."
"Don't tell Q that I'm coming, I don't want her to overanalyze before I get there."
"Okay...promise you're coming?"
"I promise. Now, you should get back to my sister. I don't trust that the cigarettes are the end of her snooping."
"Let's hope that's not true."