Chimera of Life
Story Six: Wisdom's Harmony
Chapter One
By Heartfire
~*~
Away! We know that tears are vain,
That Death nor heeds nor hears distress:
Will this unteach us to complain?
Or make one mourner weep the less?
And thou, who tell'st me to forget,
Thy looks are wan, thine eyes are wet
~ Elegy by Lord Byron ~
~*~
Anxious gray eyes stared at the crackling small fire in the hearth of their fireplace. The smell of pine coursed through her lungs, but the cold, restless feeling didn't leave her. Slowly, as though her eyes were being drawn by a spell, she looked outside her curtained window.
She had every light in the apartment turned on, but she still didn't feel safe and her fragile hands went around her small body in an embrace. Her eyes tried to look through the curtain of rain, but she knew that no one was there.
Rain…
She grimaced. How she hated this natural event. She hates it even more when she is alone, left to brood… and brood she did, thinking of the haunting past, best forgotten… The time when she was a child and mother gave birth to her… long lost brother.
A tear escaped the corner of her right eye as she stared at the gloomy scene outside. 'Wherever you are, I hope you are safe…'
She could distinctly remember that night, even when she was scarcely seven, nothing but a child who should have been playing with the animals. Instead, she waited outside their trailer while her mother screamed in agony from childbirth.
Mother…
A friend of theirs, willow in feature with dark ringlets of hair, fit for the gypsy role she played in the circus, had come up to her with a smile. She said that good fortune would be bestowed upon them because the blue moon was at its zenith.
At that time, she believed her… What was her name? Ah yes, Elynth, and her blue moons. It is sad that up 'till now, she still believes in small things as fates and chance. She had been laughing, thinking all would be safe when Elynth suddenly stopped and stared at the sky. She could remember that distinct color of orange red that slowly crept from the southwest section of the moon, and her older friend's whispered words of 'Blood and fire…' coupled with a panicked look that had sent shivers up her spine, just like now.
The words paralyzed her and only the small drops of rain she had first felt on her nose made her move to ask 'Why?' Elynth didn't even acknowledge her as a sad look fell on her face and whispered 'Rain… The sky weeps… while the moon is on fire…' right before her mother's bone chilling scream.
Her father had ran outside the trailer, calling for her. When he saw her, she couldn't believe her eyes… He was crying and he embraced her so tightly… almost as though afraid she would suddenly disappear.
It wasn't more than a couple of hours later when she was allowed inside the place she called home. She couldn't understand why it took so long when the laboring was finished hours before… and when she finally saw her mother, she knew that… it would only be a matter of time…
'If only we had money for the hospital…' She sat down in front of the small fireplace and tried to warm her suddenly cold body. The coolness of the marble floor underneath her buttocks seeped through her, not comforting her in the least. Tears fell more freely down her cheeks, caught up in the memory of that solemn promise she made as a child to her dying mother that she would look after her brother… and she had kept that promise until… it was broken by a circus fire… Her three year old, wonderful, dark brown haired brother whom she couldn't find… and her father who was a victim of a burning log while helping rescuers… Two people she loved most in the world in the very same day… and it was raining.
How was it that the rain was not able to stop that raging fire?!
'God… what did I do to deserve that?' There was a small hope, deep in her heart, that her brother was safe and alive somewhere, but it was just so small… Tears trailed down and created a small puddle of water on the floor. She moved and some fell upon her legs. If it weren't for her friends whom she acknowledged as family, she would be a sour, sad girl…
'I hate rain…'
The moment that thought left her, the front door suddenly opened and a chilly breeze from outside rushed through her entire body. She quickly turned and watched as a man, drenched from head to toe, closed the door. His sandy blonde hair looked black and he swiftly discarded his coat. A puddle of water slowly formed in front of the doorway while she stood up and ran to him.
"Where have you been?" She didn't mean to sound so demanding, like an old harping lady, but it was raining outside, and the emotional ride she went through just wasn't helping matters at all!
"I'm sorry I'm late. I tried to get home as fast as I could." Keith looked around, eyes darting from one corner of the small apartment to another. "Is he here yet?"
She couldn't care about the mess he made as her hand wiped away the tears that still shimmered upon her cheek. He was supposed to be home nearly half an hour ago, and he knew he should have called, and he knew that she hated waiting anxiously—especially when it was raining! Most especially when it was! "No. He's not, but Keith-"
"I'm sorry, Cathy…" Knowing that their visitor hadn't arrived yet, he hugged the woman in front of him, the one who caught his heart with her wonderful spirit and wavy reddish brown hair. "I know how much you hate this… weather." All too well… He grew up with her, and knew the slightest jump from thunder, and cringe from the slimmest lightning… As she grew older, she was… placid, yet one could feel her dislike of it. She would have been all right, had she been surrounded by the others, but… he left her alone in this apartment…
He felt her arms go around him, and he finally felt at home. He almost didn't make it… The store almost closed before he got there with enough money. He took a small step back and from his soggy pants, he drew a crumpled plastic bag. He quickly shook it over his palm and out came a velvet box. "This is for you, sweetheart."
Keith saw Cathy blink in surprise. He couldn't help the chuckle that left his lips as he opened it and revealed a necklace with an elegant chain and a delicate small rose that dangled in the middle made from rose gold. He saved for this gift, and knew it would be worth it. "Happy first anniversary, darling."
Cathy's mouth opened and closed as she stared at the gift, knowing that it must have taken him… time, and sweat. "I… I thought you… forgot."
"Cath, you should know by now that I could never forget anything about you, about us." Sad to say, but he was hoping it would rain on their anniversary, just so he would be able to see her smile while water poured outside. The last time he saw her smile while it was raining, was when she brought Trowa back and they found he had amnesia. It was such a long time ago, but now… Her smile was iridescent as she looked up to him and kissed him.
"Happy anniversary, Keith…"
He knew that the pain would never really disappear, but he hoped that he could make enough happy memories to balance it, and he knew that today was one of it.
"Come on. Let's get you out of those clothes and get something to eat." Cathy quickly pulled him towards their bedroom.
He knew what she had meant, but he couldn't help himself as he twisted her words. "Mmm… Getting me out of my clothes, huh? Is that my gift? I like the sound of it."
The gay chuckle that left her mouth made him grin. "Just be happy that my knives are all out of reach right now, Keith." She had cooked their dinner and hoped that it wasn't overdone, waiting for him and their visitor in low simmer, but it seemed that the rain delayed their guest. He might come tomorrow instead… That means, after dinner, her husband could have that gift he so seriously hinted upon, one of which they would both enjoy.
…
She awoke to the startling sound of thunder, rolling into the night as though sweeping away boulders from their area. God! Her heart was pounding so loudly against her ribcage… and she was drenched in sweat!
Outside, she could hear the harsh pelting sounds of raindrops as they dropped from their cloudy throne, onto their destruction. She had that nightmare again… She quickly looked to her side and smiled in relief that her tired husband hadn't woken up. If he had, he would be half dead tomorrow.
That strange feeling, as though something was calling her to look outside, made her turn. Gingerly, she walked, barefoot, to the nearest window, and then she saw a still shadow she could barely distinguish. But it was there. That tall build… getting wet!
She quickly ran out of her bedroom, through the living room, and out of the house just in time to see him turn around as though reaching the decision not to bother the household. "Trowa!"
Cathy didn't care about getting her clothes wet as she ran to the person who had caught her heart the way her little brother had done, so long ago. If only he was… Triton. "Trowa!!!"
Keith woke up at his wife's shout. Trowa… so, he has come… Finally.
…
The pale faces of the buildings stood under the onslaught of rain, and the gray contours slowly appeared as the last periphery of light retreated from the overpowering darkness.
"It's midnight…" The whispered words left his lips as he stood in utter stillness under the shadow of a tree. His grip tightened around his knapsack's handle. He had been standing at the border of the park, outside a row of small, identical houses since late afternoon. Waging an inner battle as to whether to walk to the house and ring the bell… or just leave.
Leave? Who was he trying to fool? He came here ahead of the circus for one purpose only—to spend time with her. He… missed her. A year and a half without her presence and he had grown back to a silent stone. He jumped at the very chance of visiting her when he learned that they were going to give a performance in the city she was living in. He told Lanus that he would go ahead of the group. Yet now, here he was… having second thoughts. He might be intruding…
"I should have called…" He looked at the ground and knew that he would never do that. It was not in his nature. Then again, did he not think, once, that he would never be able to feel any emotion from both heart and soul?
He had seen how Keith ran blindly to the house… had seen how the couple hugged against the window's lights. She was happy… he could not intrude.
He turned around just as one post light flickered its dying breath. She was happily married now… she might not have any time for him and might think that he's a nuisance...
"Are you just going to leave without even saying hello?"
He stopped. Slowly, he turned. His ears hadn't deceived him. She was standing on the concrete pavement that separated the park from the housing development. She was wearing a jacket, obviously hurriedly put on and her wavy brown hair was plastered on her head, soiled by the rain. She didn't look a year older.
"Well?"
A playful grin played on her lips and Trowa tried to reign in the happiness he could feel. "Hello, Cathy."
"Hello, Trowa."
She smiled widely then, and he felt like smiling along with her, but he didn't. He looked behind her, at her house, and saw the opened door with… Keith standing by the doorway, a welcoming grin on his face.
Trowa nodded his greeting and the man waved back in return. Keith, the reason why Cathy left the circus last year… She got married a few weeks before she left with Keith. He didn't know the man too well. He never really tried to get to know much of the workers around. Of course, he knew that they were coming back. Keith only asked for two years to get his PhD in medicine then promised that he will return as both the circus' doctor and worker. But Trowa knew that things would never be the same between him and Cathy… How could they stay the same when she has someone else to take care of now?
Catherine crossed the small distance between them, and when Trowa didn't back away, she hugged him as hard as she could.
Trowa blinked in surprise then looked back at Keith to see how he would react. Surprisingly enough, Cathy's husband only smiled wider.
"I missed you Trowa… How have my little brother been?"
This time, he let a small smile leave his lips. She still acknowledges him and a warm, cozy feeling rushed through him. It was wonderful to hear her say those words… little brother, though he was never little, and he was never her brother… Yet the way she was embracing him… How could he have ever thought that she would forget him just because she married…? "I've been fine, Cathy."
Slowly, her embrace eased then she stepped back and looked at him. She brushed back his wet bangs, touched his cheeks, and smiled a knowing smile… She could see that he was happy, and that he was trying his best not to show it. Her decision to marry was a hasty one, and she had felt as though Trowa had recoiled from her that whole week until she left. How she wished she could have talked to him, but… it became so busy and then it was time to say good-bye.
"Trowa…" Her hands went down to hold his. "You will not leave. You are going to stay in the house, and wait until Lanus and the others get here."
Trowa frowned- how did she know?
Cathy only grinned as she tugged her 'little brother' to her house. "Lanus called me and warned me that you went ahead of the group. I've been waiting for you since this morning." When she saw him, just standing there by the side… when he turned away, she knew she couldn't let him go without talking to him.
They reached her house and Keith let them in.
"Hey, Trowa." Keith closed the door behind them. He was determined to get to know Trowa, for Cathy's sake.
"Keith." Trowa nodded and once again, that protective feeling overcame him… The man had better be taking good care of Cathy… or else.
"I'll just prepare you something to eat." Cathy went ahead while the two men looked at each other carefully.
"She had been waiting for your visit for a long time. I'm glad you finally decided to pass by."
Before Trowa could reply, Keith turned away and followed his wife, leaving Trowa to watch how a doting husband treats his wife.
…
Gray eyes disappeared under thick wavy brown hair as another heart wrenching scream made the forlorn figure cringe. Small hands quivered as they clasped and unclasped, while chapped lips muttered a prayer only a child could give…
"God… Please… Make it better… Mama shouldn't cry like this…"
The child shook her head, wiping her tears against emerald green skirt. "No… Maybe if we had more money… if mama was in a hospital…" Her words died on her lips as she heard another scream and she hugged the woman tighter than before.
Slowly, Catherine looked up and saw the clear night sky, illuminated by the pale silvery moon. "The moon."
"It's the blue moon… it will bring your mother good luck."
Small hands wiped away lingering tears to get a clearer view of the moon. "It isn't blue."
A soft laugh answered her. "Shall I tell you why it is called blue moon?"
Catherine nodded and the older woman motioned for them to sit. She was about to start when dark clouds shed their shadows upon them. The Elynth's catlike eyes grew solemn and she quickly glanced at the trailer.
"What is it?" Catherine asked curiously while her head slowly tilted to the side.
"Child, fetch me some water while I check on your mother."
Never unable to say no, Catherine quickly stood up. "Tell mama that I love her." She started to walk but curiosity drew her back and she watched as the older woman slowly walked to her parents' trailer.
The air around her was suddenly rocked by fierce winds while thunder crashed in the distance. Catherine shivered and brought her hands around to hug her waist, but what disturbed her more was what the winds had carried over for her ears to hear…
"A bad omen…"
She shook her head… "No…" Child of eight that she was, she knew what Elynth had meant. She looked up at the blue moon, but what she saw was a telltale reddening from the lower face of the once silver moon. "No…"
Lightning struck above her and leaves slashed small cuts along her arms-
"NO!"
Catherine quickly sat up on her bed, her chest heaving with painful breath. Her hands went up to her cheek to wipe away a trail of tears then she looked to her side, at the lump beside her. She gave a sigh of relief that Keith hadn't woken up. She had already disturbed his sleep once… He needed rest for the test that he had been studying for all weekend long.
Slowly, she moved away from her husband, tucked her feet in slippers then softly padded out of the room. She needed some fresh air. This was one of the things she missed about the circus. You go outside your trailer, and you will have the whole area of circle for yourself… but in this city, you only have your patch of grass in your backyard.
She sat down on her steps then stared at the dark sky. 'Triton…' The coolness of the damp concrete underneath seeped into her, making her shiver. Tears misted her eyes as she remembered her mother's pale, pained face so long ago… She had promised with all her heart, yet she broke that promise… erringly so.
"Cathy…?"
She nearly screamed, but she caught herself just in time. With her heart thumping against her ribcage, she turned away with an embarrassed smile. "Trowa, you scared me!"
He looked down at her and he could tell that something was bothering her. He thought that someone- a burglar- was inside the house when he heard the questionable creaks and steps, but it was just Cathy. "Are you all right?"
She moved a bit to give him space. "Yes… I just had a bad dream." She patted the space beside her. "Sit with me."
Her voice was like that of a siren, luring him… making him feel the desire to be with her… and like the sailors in the stories, he was not able to stop himself from doing what she asked him to do. He sat beside her and he was surprised at how she instantly leaned against him, as though they had never been separated for more than a year. "Do you want to talk about it?" He found himself asking, just as he found himself embracing her shoulders.
She shook her head. She couldn't even if she wanted to. "Let's talk about something else." Cathy paused, trying to think of a good topic. "Tell me about the circus. How does it feel getting steady income from the government instead of relying on crowds?"
Trowa shrugged. He didn't really care about the money. He only stayed because… he felt responsible for them now. "Everyone seems to like the new system." Funny… he talked more just tonight than he had for the past year and a half! His answer seemed to have satisfied Cathy because she nodded.
Cathy smiled as she remembered her friends, but the shadow of her dream kept rearing its ugly head. She needed to talk. Get her mind off it. "You know… whenever I get my nightmares, I tell myself that there are others who have worse dreams, and I would look at a star…" She paused and pointed at one bright, shiny one.
A smile lighted Trowa's face. Smiling, having his face stretched this way and that, felt weird since he rarely gives himself the pleasure, especially after she left. "Cathy, that's Venus. A planet."
She only shrugged, snuck a look at Trowa's face and grinned to herself at his expression. "The point is, I wish on a star that nightmares would turn into beautiful dreams."
Trowa nodded, as he stared at the planet. Sweet of Cathy to always think of others. She was more important to him than he could ever realize. She was family, by heart if not by blood.
"I'm so glad you're here…"
Her whisper reached him and he only tightened his embrace. He didn't feel so bereft any more, now that she's here. His mind echoed her words… So was he.
…
Chocolate brown eyes opened wide. Terror clearly etched within dilated irises as they stared at the dark ceiling. The tangled sheets around limbs had felt like the ropes that bound the body to the chair within that dream. Shaking hands covered a face while tears silently fell from the corner of closed eyes. Slowly, the person on the bed moved, a shadow against the darkness.
There was only one place to loose oneself, and the figure quickly walked to reach it. There will be no sleep tonight. Not after remembering the past. Somewhere, out there in the world, children who woke up screaming have their parents' arms around them… or a loving brother, or sister…
'I have neither.' The sad thought left like a mournful sigh as an arm waved across a panel and dim lights switched on.
Tubes and glass with various liquids winked from the corner of the room, and the figure slowly walked towards it.
So many dangerous chemicals… so many dangerous solutions.
A hand closed over a syringe and misty brown eyes showed a battle between fear and want. Under the dim lighting, a translucent arm reached out, bare for that silver stinger.
The needle winked wickedly, it's sharp, silver tip, taunting.
Yet as the tip closed nearer to soft flesh, words echoed somewhere in the depths of the mind.
"I will help… I promise…"The syringe fell from shaky hands, then the body followed onto the floor. Shoulders rocked and muffled sounds came from parched lips, yet no one came. Own hands wrapped themselves around torso, wishing for that one person's touch… that touch that would never come… that hasn't come since everything changed… Alone. That was the truth in life…
A person was born alone.
A person will Live alone.
And finally, a person shall Die alone.
That was the way of life…