Chimera of Life
Story Six: Wisdom's Harmony
Chapter Eight
By Heartfire
~*~
Midii frantically looked around her. She was outside the cabin but she felt as though she was inside a cramped jail! Her heart was beating so fast, it was starting to hurt. "I don't know where to start."Trowa's right eyebrow went up in sarcasm but the sudden movement from the man by Midii's side caught his attention. "Stay where you are."
"I don't understand this… I don't understand this at all…" Onie whispered as she stared from one man to the other. They were both wearing the same uniform, though the other man's clothes were dirtier than her Tristan's, but they have the same height… the same build, voice, face- even the style of hair…! Everything except the complexion was uncannily the same! Her hand went up to her forehead as she felt a very distinct tingle of pain.
Trowa's words, the tone they were said in and the hardness in his eyes didn't seem to affect the other man as he walked towards him with one hand outstretched as though to touch a ghost. "My God! It's you…! It's really… You!"
The man stopped just a step away from Trowa to stare at him with wide-eyed wonder. "I'm almost afraid to touch you."
Trowa couldn't help the sensations he was feeling… it was eerily weird to be staring at someone who looked exactly like him… Exactly… His train of thought left him as he finally let that one thought he was trying to stop enter his mind. He has a twin! A twin brother!
"I've been searching for you everywhere! Now…" A sudden frown marred his happy face. "Wait…" He half turned towards Midii, his eyes accusing. "You knew him."
Midii slowly nodded then stared at a rock in front of her, unable to look at them. "I'm sorry, Tristan…"
'Tristan…?' Onie looked from one man to the other as she started to understand what was transpiring. "We've been infiltrated…!" She whispered in a shocked voice as she started to walk backwards, her loyalty to her father surging through her veins. Everyone was staring at her now, but before anyone could realize it, Tristan- the real one- was beside her with his hand clamped on her arm so hard that it hurt.
Seeing the look on her face, Trowa felt that rush of anger he was becoming so familiar to. "Let her go! You're hurting her!"
Tristan looked down at Onie's frightened eyes and eased his grip. "I'm sorry, doctor… but if I let you go now…"
She understood, all too clearly. Closing her eyes, she squared her shoulder and raised her chin. "Then kill me now."
Trowa felt a chill through him as he heard those words. He was about to shout the word- No!- ready to fight when Tristan let Onie go instead.
Confused, Onie looked up at Tristan and found a charmingly warm smile.
"I can't do that to the woman I owe my life to."
"And mine." Midii whispered as she walked towards them from the cabin steps.
Trowa frowned. 'What are they talking about?'
More confused than ever, Onie shook her head. "I am in the dark. I do not understand what either of you are saying."
"Then come inside the cabin and listen to our story, ma'am… I know you will make the right decision." Tristan whispered with trust in his eyes as he stretched his arm towards the cabin. "And I promise you that no harm will come to you."
They were the same eyes as her Tristan's- she mentally corrected herself- 'Trowa.' Forest green, yet she found where the two differ. Tristan's eyes were more alive than her Tristan- 'No, his name is Trowa.' The way Tristan smiled at her also showed that he bestowed that curve more often than her Tristan- 'His name is Trowa, Onie! Remember!' She let her gaze go from Tristan's eyes to the other. Trowa who, as usual, looked as though nothing was bothering him, but she knew him better than that. It wasn't that his eyes showed her, nor did his face betray anything, but something was asking her to stay and listen, and it was coming from him. She nodded and started to walk for the cabin.
Trowa watched as Midii waited for Onie halfway, then walked behind her. Tristan and Trowa stared at each other and then together, they started for the door.
The cabin was small, clean, and very bare. A small table with three chairs separated a space and a kitchen where only the very essentials of cooking utensils were visible- and that consisted of only a tin cooking pan and a spoon. Obviously, the space on the other side of the table was where Tristan slept because of a thin blanket with a rolled up tattered jacket to serve as a pillow.
Midii and Onie were already seated on the chairs when the two men entered. Tristan offered the last seat with a wave, but Trowa shook his head.
"I prefer to stand up."
"So do I." Tristan answered with a grin. When his smile wasn't answered, Tristan seemed unfazed as he turned to the two women, gave them both a small smile, then schooled his face to seriousness. "Who should begin…?"
A tense silence covered them. Everyone looked from one to the other until Trowa propped himself on the wall beside the cabin door and crossed his arms. "I want Midii to start."
"Fine." Tristan shrugged as he leaned against the other wall beside the door and did Trowa's pose in a manner that seemed to come naturally to him.
Everyone's eyes swiveled to Midii who looked down at her hands. This was it. The confession she had been running away from. She owed it to Trowa… "My father died a few years ago… I learned that my little brother was sent to a mental hospital only a few months earlier than that, and my other brother had died in the war… There are only a few people I held dearly in my heart at that time… them, and…" Midii looked up from her hands and met Trowa's eyes. "You." His eyes didn't soften as she revealed what she had kept. Loosing her courage, she looked down at her hands once again and let her blonde hair shield her face.
Onie bit on her lower lip as she looked from Midii to Trowa, and then to Tristan who had the same undaunted mask as his twin.
"I'm sorry, Tristan…" Midii whispered as she let more blonde hair fall on her face to hide.
"Don't be… I don't mind that you had feelings for my brother." Tristan whispered.
The way he was looking at Midii made Onie want to shake Midii and tell her to look at him instead of her hands.
"Go on, Midii." Trowa muttered, lost in his own roller coaster of emotions.
"Since it seemed that I have lost everything, I turned to drugs and alcohol. I've tried them all… One night, overdosed in both, I passed out on the street. The next thing I knew when I woke up was being in a dark cell. I could hear so many people screaming and crying."
Onie closed her eyes as she remembered her dreams… her memories. She could hear the terror in Midii's voice. She could feel it.
"After a few weeks, two men took me out of my cell and strapped me to a chair." She breathed a sigh of relief as a burden was lifted from her heart. They were right. Confessions do make a person feel better. She looked up from her hands and met their eyes. "My memories after that are a bit hazy. It felt as though I was looking down on myself, seeing everything around me but not being a part of anything."
Another blanket of silence surrounded them, until Trowa inclined his head toward Tristan. Letting his curiosity get the better of him, he asked. "And you?"
Tristan's right eyebrow shot up inquiringly. "You mean how did I get here?"
Trowa gave a tight nod.
He shrugged. "I'm a freelance journalist doing a documentary on homeless, poverty stricken people. I dressed the part, hanged out in the proper- or in this case, improper- places. One night, there was a brawl where I was." Tristan shrugged again as he remembered that night. "I was trying to fight my way out of it and then someone gave me a wicked right hook and I passed out. Next thing I knew, like Midii…" He grimaced as he remembered those long hours where you could hear a scream of terror for every waking moment. "I was in a dark cell… a few days later, they strapped me…" He could remember the electricity that ran through his body. It hurt so much. His skull seemed to have been cracked open and his brain pounded. "The memories after that are fuzzy and almost like an out of body experience."
"I still don't understand where I fit in with all this…" Onie whispered as she looked from Midii to Tristan.
Trowa bit his tongue. He almost asked the same question, but pertaining to him. Of course, the answer to this one, he doesn't mind knowing either.
Tristan looked at Midii then nodded as though acknowledging a silent message. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other then started. "You see, doc, I remember the day when I was ordered to your section. You gave us something that day… I know I fell asleep after that because when I opened my eyes, I was lying on a small bed and Midii was staring at me." He smiled at Midii as he remembered that moment. "I didn't mind waking up after that."
Midii shyly answered his smile with one of hers. "Of course, you must realize now that I thought I was staring at your brother, Trowa, at that time."
Tristan nodded. He could tell that Midii wanted everything cleared between them. Funny, but he wasn't at all jealous of Trowa. He could tell that Midii was over him, and that for the past days and weeks that they've been together, he knew what Midii feels for him- not his brother, but him. "I don't mind. He bought you to me."
Midii's eyes shone. That response was something never to be expected from Trowa. She was most definitely in love with the wrong twin a long time ago.
Onie softly smiled. These were two people who were meant to be. Then, it hit her… "Oh my…! It worked…!" She slumped against her chair just as Midii and Tristan nodded. "My serum worked…!"
"I remembered hearing you whisper- 'I wish I could make you remember'- that day when you came in and found Midii and I awake. We agreed not to act differently for the best and I knew then that you were making a serum to make us remember. You were, weren't you?" Tristan asked as he walked to the table and leaned over Onie.
She nodded. "I was… but you two acted as though nothing happened that I thought…"
"You wanted the people inside the compound to remember, don't you? You want them to have their lives back…" Tristan prodded on as he leaned over some more towards Onie.
Trowa frowned, trying to make sense out of this situation.
"I don't… I didn't think it was fair…" Onie whispered as she let the wave of realization, that wave of accomplishment, wash over her. "You should never be deprived of the most precious memories of your parents… of your childhood…"
Tristan pounded on the table, his smile reaching ear to ear. "I knew it! I knew it! You're on our side!"
Onie's eyes widened. 'Their side…?' Guilt replaced accomplishment. She had betrayed her father if she were on their side… 'My God… What have I done…?' Before she could think of anything else, Trowa spoke up.
"And which side is that?"
Tristan was about to speak when Midii stopped him with her hand on his arm. Once again, the couple looked at each other, then nodded and Tristan sat down on one of the chairs while Midii met Trowa's gaze.
"We want to save the people inside the compound. After we got our memories back, we tried to re-acquaint ourselves with the compound. By observing the doctor," Midii glanced at Onie quickly, then turned her attention back at Trowa, "We learned about the secret passage in the glass. We found this cabin during one of the Thursday drills. We found out about the reason why there was always music at night and that the only place where there wasn't was the garden section. We planned everything to the minuscule detail, but when we were about to steal the files, Tristan got hurt with a security program we thought we've overridden. We had to escape. I needed someone to cover Tristan's tracks while he got well…"
"And you picked me." Trowa answered, finally getting the whole story after waiting for so long.
"Midii… why didn't you tell me about my brother? You knew that I've been looking for him." The look on Tristan's face asked for an answer.
Midii reached out and touched his hand. "I'm really sorry… I just couldn't… and later on, after I bought him here and I told you that everything's been taken care of… if I had told you about him, I knew you would have risked your life to see him… and that would have jeopardized everything."
Tristan nodded. "I understand… I think…" He looked at Trowa then smiled once again. "So tell me, what were mother and father like?"
He was still reeling from the fact that he had a twin brother and now, this? "I don't know… I've never met them."
At that, Tristan frowned. "But… my parents told me that… you're supposed to be with them… They told me that they tried to adopt us both, but my dad said that our parents said…" A lost look fell on his face. "I don't understand why you don't know them… You're supposed to be with them…"
"What did your father say our parents told them?" Trowa asked. For years, he wondered who he was… why he was alone… now he learned that he had a brother… could it be that he was taken away from his parents?
Still with a frown on his face, Tristan answered. "My dad said that our parents said something like… 'It's hard enough to part with one of our children… don't take the other away from us too.'- something like that." Tristan sighed, dreams of meeting their parents flying away with no chance of catching it. "I know that we were poor… that's why our parents let my parents adopt me… they thought it was for the best…"
"They told you everything?" Trowa asked with barely a hint surprise…
Tristan nodded. "They were upfront with me… and I love them. I've been searching for our family since I could remember… I've been to every circus that came to town… looked for others- Trowa! Are you all right?" Tristan asked as he jumped from his chair and ran to his brother's side just in time to catch Trowa as he swayed to the ground.
Trowa's throat was suddenly dry. His skin felt clammy and a headache the size of the universe was pounding on his skull. "Did you say… circus?" He couldn't understand why he was reacting to that word in such a way. He never had, before. He saw Tristan utter a word… a word he could understand though he suddenly couldn't hear. Then everything around him swirled and he almost couldn't breathe…
"Tristan!" Onie shouted in alarm as she stood from the chair.
Tristan glanced at her as he pulled his brother's body against him, half dragging, half carrying him to his makeshift bed. "What?!"
"I-" Onie looked from Tristan to Trowa. "I meant… I meant Trowa… I'm sorry…"
Tristan grunted as he let Trowa go and Midii arranged his body.
"It's okay. I understand." Tristan answered as he knelt down beside his brother and tried to smoothen the frown on his face. "I think he's got some unfinished business… deep in that mind of his."
"Don't let him sleep. He'll have a nightmare." Onie whispered as she stepped closer to the huddled group.
He shook his head as Trowa moaned. "There are some nightmares we need to dream of… Sometimes, it has the answers we've been searching for…"
His words touched something in her heart and Onie turned away and stared outside the window. He was right… Darkness was falling on them- "It's late... I need to go."
"Doc…" Tristan whispered, calling her attention. Onie looked at him and she saw the question in his eyes. "Are you on our side…?"
She couldn't answer. Not yet. Not this way. "I don't know… But I can promise you one thing… I will not divulge you until I've decided."
Tristan nodded then looked at Midii. "I think you need to go back with her."
"Yes, of course." Midii leaned over to him and Onie inclined her head to the outside view just as the couples' lips touched.
The next thing Onie knew, Midii was beside her and asking if she was ready to go. She didn't turn back to look at Trowa… She couldn't, not with the knowledge that she must make a decision soon… a decision that she would have to live with until death.
…
No sooner had she gone inside her room to change did her main door swished open, startling her.
"Sir!" Onie cried in surprise, nearly stumbling on her carpet. "What are you doing here?" Inside, she was felt as though a huge black hole was slowly eating her up.
Blake felt himself want to ask her- 'Can't a father say goodnight to his daughter?' Instead, he scuttled to his safety net- their work. "I was going to ask how your S-7 is progressing."
"I've adjusted some ingredients. I need a last two specimen tomorrow to work with and I believe it is going to be a success, sir."
"Good… Well… Good night then."
Onie nodded. "Good night, sir."
Blake gave a mental sigh as he turned around and the door closed behind him. What a lousy parent he was…
Inside her room, Onie's fist clamped upon her chest. Her heart was pounding erratically and she was feeling more than a tad of nausea. All thoughts of going to bed flew from her mind and she sighed in sadness as she walked back to her garden.
There was only one thing she had never let Trowa see… She pushed a dent underneath the front drawer on her desk, let her thumbprint be scanned, then her real laboratory opened before her. The rows of test tubes, of bright white light and pristine white walls… the automatic burner and heater. Everything she needed. With Trowa gone for the night, she could work in here again.
…
He could see everything… from above… and yet he could also see everything from below. He was surrounded by fire. It hurt. It scorched. Something cracked overhead, and he looked up. His eyes widened as a burning log started to sway towards him.
He shielded his eyes with his small hands, readying for the pain… but it never came. Instead, he was pushed out of the way.
There was a man underneath a burning log. He was unconscious…
'Daddy…'
He tried to pull him out of it. His dad's hands were so big… He couldn't do it. He huddled beside his daddy's face, his vision starting to blur… Then something dark and fast ran through the fire… Something bit him on his arm and pulled… He didn't want to go without daddy. Stop! Please… Daddy! No!
"NO!" Trowa sat up on the floor, breathing heavily. He was sweating like a horse that just finished a race. His hair was plastered on his face. Trowa pushed his hand through it, forced the locks away from his eyes then he let his hands fall on his lap and stared at them… he was shaking.
"Care to tell me what you dreamt of?"
That was his voice… Was he going crazy? He quickly turned around and saw himself, sitting Indian-style on the floor, just a few spaces away from him… No… wait… Now he remember… Tristan Brigham. "My past. Something I've forgotten for a long time…" Why was he talking? Was it because this man was his brother? Was it because he feels as if he was finally a part of something?
"What was it about?" Tristan asked again, wanting to get to know this man in front of him.
"Our dad…"
Silence encompassed them. After a few more minutes of it, Tristan moved…
"Oh…"
Without any prompting, Trowa spoke as he stared at the moon outside the small window. It was nearly gone, a new moon… "He died in a fire… You were right. We were in a circus… At least, it looked like a circus. He died, trying to save me… and…" Trowa looked at his hands again. "And I couldn't help him… I couldn't pull him from the log…" His vision blurred and slowly, he felt tears slide down his cheek… and he let them go. He couldn't stop the tears that overflowed. The tears he held for his dad for so long…
Tristan bit his lower lip, then shifted his weight. "Ah damn…" He pushed himself to his knees, then kneel-walked towards Trowa and hugged him. "I know this feels weird… I'm not much of this either with men… but… you're my brother. You're my twin. That's more special than just a plain brother."
Trowa, for the life of him, let Tristan hold him… He leaned into his embrace and let his tears flow. He had a family… He wasn't unwanted… He was lost and now, they found each other again…
"You've probably been through much more than I have, but we're here now… I've just found you and I'm not about to let you go again, Trowa. I'm going to get to know you. I'm going to be a pest to you. We're twins… we're supposed to be together."
Trowa felt Tristan's arms give him a squeeze and he… he hugged him back.
"Nothing can separate us now." Tristan whispered as he felt tears fall from his eyes… "Even if one of us dies in the future, at least we know each other now, and we know that we'll always be with the other."
…
She woke up early the next day, with her head upon her laboratory table. Slowly, she sat up as she ran the day's schedule. Father will arrive before noon. Trista- Trowa, she corrected herself, should be here… She must go back to the cabin to wake him and take him back here before Father starts asking questions!
With a goal in mind, she hurried through her morning rituals, and in no time at all, she was knocking on the cabin door. She should have expected both of them to answer the door, but she still couldn't stop the gasp of surprise that left her when she saw the mirror images.
"Er… I'm sorry to disturb you both so early…" She looked at the one on the left, not sure why, but positive that it was- "Tristan," then she looked to the right and nodded as impartially as she could- "Trowa," She practiced all night to pronounce his name. Thank God she didn't call them both Tristan! "I must bring one of you back with me to the center. Mr. Blake is bringing me some people and… he will be looking for… er… either of you."
"I'm ready." Trowa answered as he started to button up his black coat over his white shirt.
"Hey, Trowa…" Tristan touched Trowa's arm to catch his attention. Eye to eye, and with a smile, Tristan gave Trowa a light punch. "You be careful now."
Onie almost smiled at the… tender sight. She could tell that they have bonded during the night.
Trowa nodded, not sure what to say. "Uhm… Thanks…" Then he walked out of the door, aware that Onie was just right behind him. Mentally, he remembered the long, late talk he had with Tristan… it was mostly a monologue from Tristan- Tristan Triton Brigham… and there were more silence than expected, but overall, it was a nice night. He almost smiled when he remembered when Tristan said- "I wonder who's older… I bet it's me. I'm taller than you." Uncharacteristically, he answered back- "You wish." And there started a light banter between them.
"How does it feel…? Having a brother?" Onie asked as she walked beside him.
'Nice.' Trowa bit that response back and shrugged instead. "I don't know yet."
"Oh…" Onie looked away. "I just thought… never mind." She flipped her hair over her shoulder as she spurred her feet to walk faster. She finally concluded that she would be impartial to what's happening until she could figure out her mixed feelings. Tristan was asking her to choose between her father and… and what? What? She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "To the business at hand… I'd like you to go to the gym and stay there until I call for you… This will give you some time for yourself and… well…" She couldn't help the cough that left her throat. "Straighten a bit of what's in your mind."
Trowa nodded. He was surprised that she seemed to have read what was in his mind- he wanted some peace and quiet, and where else could he get that but from the gym, especially since the garden was going to be occupied.
They reached the invisible entrance to Onie's garden, and neither of them had time enough to change or get their bearings back when the door from the hall opened.
"Sir!" Onie nearly cried out in shock, barely hiding the fact that she had the door behind her.
Blake looked in the direction of her voice and nodded, noting the circles under her eyes. "Late night?"
Onie nodded, swallowing the guilty gulp in her throat. "Yes sir… I'm just sending 874 for a work out."
Without any prompting, Trowa walked past Blake and out of the garden. He hated leaving Onie behind like that, with that madman, but he couldn't blow his cover more than he already had. He still didn't know what Onie's role was in this whole shenanigan, there were no files on her at all, but at least he knew that she was kind at heart.
…
Onie sullenly walked into her garden, not even noticing the way Trowa sat up on 'his side' of the room to watch her plop down on the sofa in the middle of the garden. She closed her eyes and prayed- 'Please let this work… please let this work…' She hadn't realized how tired she was of this. She was tired of this whole thing. She was tired of the non-stop working, of not having anyone… of having such a dull, boring life.
"Long day?" Trowa looked outside at the late afternoon sun, halfway through its journey back to the earth. She looked so spent. Onie nodded without opening her eyes and Trowa had the sudden inkling of combing his hand through her long, black hair and massaging her temples… He blinked himself out of his dream when he realized that he was really close to touching her hair! Putting his hands behind him and tightly linking them together, he curiously looked around the room. "What exactly did you do?"
A frown marred Onie's forehead before she turned to her side, away from him, and curled into a protective ball. "Just leave me alone right now…" She always feels drained every time she inserts any of her serum into 'specimens'. She always feels dirty.
Trowa's hands itched to touch her, but he was never one to force himself upon a woman. "All right… I…" Was he actually asking for her permission?! "I'm going to Tristan." He almost said that in one long breath, but she didn't seem to notice his discomfort as she nodded wearily. He hated leaving her like this, but his brother… his only family, the only true link to his past, was waiting and he was craving for what many would call- Family Time.
Onie heard him leave silently and she felt a mixture of anger and sadness… She was thinking that he should have stayed and consoled her- that's what Jessie would have done… but then, that was being selfish of her, and who was she in his life? She was not a relative, nor anyone special… Not in anyone's life. "No one's life at all…" She sighed one last time before she forced herself to sleep, wishing she wouldn't wake up.
She drifted off to sleep before she heard the door to her garden hiss open then close. A shadow loomed over her, watching her sleep like many times before.
…
Blake sighed as he pushed a stray lock of black hair away from her face. How long could he keep the dangerous world at bay for his little daughter's innocence from being tarnished? For her safety? He must admit, accepting Matthew as a doctor wasn't one of his better decisions, but he had no other choice, and everyday, he suffered from wondering what lies that doctor could have told his daughter.
"Laurette…" He whispered his wife's name again like a prayer for protection. The same old pain crushed his heart. It was a wound left to rot and eat his flesh, if it were a flesh wound… but it was worse than a flesh wound… His soul ached for his wonderful wife… a wife stolen from him by the world he'll be sure to wash of its sins.
"Why did it have to be you…?" Blake asked his daughter's sleeping form, for at that moment, she truly did look like her mother. He relived the agony of searching for her for almost three weeks… then when they finally found her body… battered and… Blake shook his head, as if the very act could force the image and pain he felt from that day. He shivered and tried to control his emotions.
"I won't let anything like that happen to you," he leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss upon Onie's forehead. "When you walk out in the world… you will never have to fear the dark, or the people around you."
Satisfied, Blake stood up and walked toward her room. He was going to hear her diary. He was curious to know what his daughter have been through these past few days.
The door slid closed behind him and he looked around his daughter's room, wanting so much to be a part of her life, but not knowing how to be. He took the hidden compact disk and inserted it into the small player he carried with him, sliding down to sit on her chair and to let his sweet daughter's voice flow over him.
…
"Good night, Trowa." Tristan grasped his brother's arm in that everlasting tradition of a friend's handshake, then he pulled his brother forward, unable to stop the happiness to finally have found his real family at bay.
Trowa felt the big, enthusiastic hug from him, that all too hearty slap on the back that almost felt like a pounding fist, and then that quick ruffling of his hair. He felt like grinning and wrestling his brother to the floor, but they weren't kids anymore. And he wasn't used to such a display of emotions. The nearest he could give his brother was a tight, one hand hug… To anybody else, the act would have looked inadequate, but Trowa felt… no, he knew that Tristan understood how much of a step he gave just by returning a simple hug.
"You take care there, now…" Tristan whispered before another energetic blow came on his twin's back, and then he let him go.
Trowa swallowed then forced the words from his mouth. "You too, Tristan." The wide, unhindered smile that Tristan bestowed him made Trowa want to return the favor by smiling along… but he was too choked with emotions. He turned away, sad to leave his brother but also a bit eager to return to Onie's garden. He relived his afternoon spent with Tristan. His twin sure talked a lot, telling him of his adventures whenever he was on an assignment- or rather, misadventures. Trowa spoke, but only to prompt his brother to speak more about himself. He realized how much he craved to know this person who looked so much like him… just then, he noticed the marker Onie had agreed to place near the entrance to their invisible lair and his train of thoughts made a slight turn for the one he knew would be waiting for him.
The door slid open and close without a noise and he stepped inside, careful of his movements. The garden's lights weren't turned on, save for the dim desk light where, as he had expected, Onie was at.
He was about to make his usual clearing-the-throat sound when she turned sideways and Trowa caught side of the thing within her grasp… a gun. It looked new, and the fact that it was glinting menacingly only added substance to his thoughts. When she turned the gun in her hands, his heart nearly stopped while his mind questioned why she had a gun… what she was planning to do with-