There You Are (ZAYN)
Still May
Santana's POV
"Did you get a chance to tell her?"
I rolled my eyes at Marco as he sat there, touching up my toes while I skimmed my study guide.
Columbia was doing everything in their power to help me finish this semester without stepping foot on the campus by making sure I had everything I needed, including recorded classes.
I was exempt from my quizzes and would just have to be prepared for finals once I was out of rehab.
Easy enough.
Marco was digging into my fucking business, and I was trying my best to ignore him.
But then, in true form, he squeezed my ankle a little too tight.
"The fuck?" I snatched my ankle from him, and he chuckled and threw up his hands.
"I was just trying to get your attention."
"By hurting me? I thought you were past that part of your life."
"Old habits die hard. I'm sorry."
"Are you finished with my toes?"
"Yes."
"Good, back the fuck up or get out."
"Language." He corrected, and I rolled my eyes.
"What are you going on about?"
"I know you and Brittany had some alone time together; I was wondering if you told her?"
"No. Not that it's your business, but we spent our time together talking about her and the kids. She was almost raped; I needed her to know that I wasn't just going to gloss over it. I needed to validate her as my wife and the mother of my kids."
"Fair enough, but you plan on telling her, right? You aren't going to add to your stockpile of secrets, right?"
"It's complicated. A lot happened when you were dead."
"Are you referring to her abortion?"
"You are a stalker."
"No. My minion fucked up and ruined everything."
"Who?"
He sighed and then dropped his fucking truth all over me.
"Grady. I sent him to keep an eye out for you. Instead, he got too close to Brittany and fucked her over in more ways than one."
"Wait, hold the fuck up. He knew you were alive?"
"No. He didn't know who paid him. He just did as he was told until he didn't."
"You're stressing me out." I sighed, and he looked me over.
"The only reason you brought up complicated was because you plan to get rid of it, don't you?"
"I'm not having that bastard's spawn, Marco."
"What makes him any different than me? I raped you more than once. I beat you and whored you to my rich friends, yet you had my child."
With each reminder of how fucked up my relationship with Marco had been, I flinched, but then I thought of my sweet baby girl and couldn't find my anger.
"It's different."
"How so?"
"Because in my own convoluted way, I loved you besides, abortion is against everything I personally believe in. For other people, it's fine, but it's never been for me."
"Until now?"
"Exactly."
"I'm begging you to reconsider, at least talk to Brittany."
"I can't do that to her. She's been through enough because of me. I'll just take care of it, and there won't be anything to discuss."
"You can't keep this from her."
"Don't tell me what to do...in fact, please go bother someone else, that would be great. I'd really hate to throw a textbook at a priest."
No one can give a guilt trip better than a religious figure, even if that pious twat was my ex-husband.
On every call and through every silly exchange, I thought of what Marco said for days after Britt left.
But then Britt would smile at me, and those beautiful eyes would sparkle at something I said, and I couldn't do it.
She'd worked so hard to bounce back from her abortion, and all shit show that was attached to it.
My wife was my favorite superhero, and I couldn't do anything that would ruin her happiness.
I'd put her through enough.
But Marco must have talked to Dr. Clover, who obviously talked to Amy because just two days before I was planning to bounce from rehab, Amy showed up with Dr. Cabot.
Instantly, I regretted linking all of my medical professionals.
I hadn't seen Dr. Cabot since right after Daniela was born, nearly three years before.
After our relationship got more personal, and she married my gynecologist from Lima, I had been skipping out on my lady doctor appointments.
That was, of course, until I was savagely injured, and Britt thought to call the one doctor that she trusted outside of Mari.
Dr. Cabot hadn't minced words; I was torn down there as if I'd just given birth.
The thought of the bottle he tried to shove inside of me made me gag.
"Well, that's just what I want to be greeted with." Dr. C said, and I just gave her the best smile I could muster, which wasn't much at all.
"Why are you here?"
"To discuss your options. The protocol was broken when you weren't consulted about the morning after pill following your assault." She hovered next to the big red couch, "Do you mind if I sit and talk to you?"
"Go for it."
Dr. C sat on the couch and actually bounced for a second before grinning at Dr. Clover.
"Where did you get this couch? It's marvelous."
"It was a gift from my father-in-law. He made it himself."
"Holy wow, is he still in business?"
Dr. Clover shook her head and gave a sad smile. "He passed a while back, but he would love that you love it."
"I'm infatuated; if you ever decide to part with it, let me know."
I cleared my throat, and their banter stopped.
"Are we talking or not?" I had finally been weened off of my meds and was extra agitated.
"I heard about your condition, and as your most recent obstetrician, I thought it best to check in and see what your plans were."
"You haven't talked to Brittany, have you?" I asked.
"Just last week, she came in for a check-up. We didn't discuss you, though, as far as she knows, there isn't much to discuss."
"Thank you for not saying anything. I'd like to talk to her about this in my own time. I want to take care of this as soon as possible, preferably without much fuss."
Dr. Cabot actually seemed relieved at my decision and didn't push me to reconsider.
Instead, she wrote me a prescription and offered to take it to get filled. Still, then Dr. Clover reminded her that it was a Catholic facility and wouldn't have what I needed.
So I had to wait until I left, which made me nervous.
Britt would be watching me like a hawk, and any pill I took would be scrutinized by her.
Marco was right. This wasn't something I could hide from her.
I had to be honest with her, hope to God that she wasn't going to make me feel like shit about it.
For two days, I studied, I prayed, and I kept that prescription close to me.
I didn't trust Marco wouldn't tear it to shreds.
And when the blessed day came when Britt walked into Dr. Clover's office with a soft smile on her face, I threw myself into her arms and buried my face against her neck.
She rocked me and kissed my face.
"Ready to go home?" She asked, and I nodded. "Are you okay?" I nodded again; she pulled and searched my eyes. I knew then that I needed to tell her before filling the prescription.
Marco was right, not that I'd tell him so...I couldn't keep this from B.
Leaving rehab was anticlimactic as always.
After a final check-in with Dr. Clover, I walked out hand in hand with my wife with the prescription folded in my pocket.
On the way to the car, I saw Britt glance towards the lakeshore where ducks were waddling.
"We should take the kids to see the ducks." I said to her, and she nodded.
"Dani hates them. She calls them chickens, no matter how much I correct her."
"I can't wait to see the kids." I said as happily as I could when she opened the passenger door for me. Before I could climb into the car, she gripped my wrist until I looked up at her. "What?"
She was searching my eyes again, "Are you sure that you are okay to come home? I feel like you're not saying something." Like always, my super-genius wife was on to me.
"There's stuff I want to tell you, but I'd like to not do it here. I need to feel a moment of normalcy...please?"
She grinned and let go of my wrist, suddenly chipper. "Of course, baby. We'll head to the apartment for the next couple of days. My parents are at our house with the kids. I wanted some us time so that you can get back to feeling like yourself again. Is that okay?"
"Yes, B."
The moment the car was on the move, Britt pumped up some Beyoncé and danced in her seat.
I watched her until it was impossible to keep my eyes open.
When I woke up again, Gloria Estefan was crooning while Britt sang along in way better Spanish than I had.
Her well of talent was endless; it was all at once annoying and inspiring.
"I love you." I whispered to Britt, but she couldn't hear me over the music.
The car went dark as we pulled into the parking garage.
Being out in the world felt so disconcerting with the noise and the smells.
When Britt took my hand, though, I felt tethered to her and knew that I could trust her with this.
"I love you." She said, but I could see more in her eyes that she was there for me and always would be.
"I'm pregnant, but I don't want to keep it. I want the next kid I bring into this world to be yours. I want to birth your babies, not HIS."
"Okay...I support you, baby, whatever you want to do. I'll be there."
"Dr. Cabot gave me a prescription. I wasn't allowed to fill it at rehab. She said it's going to take a few days for everything to happen."
"Well, let's go then." She pushed open the car door and walked around the car, and pulled my door open. "We can walk to the pharmacy...if you're up for it. While we're out, we can stop at the bodega and grab some stuff. I haven't been to the apartment in a bit, so there's probably no food here."
When she took my hand to help me out of the car, I held it and didn't move. "Wait."
"What?"
"Just like that, you're ready to do this with me? Without question?"
"Of course. Didn't you fly all the way to New York to scrape me off my couch?"
"Yeah."
"And weren't you the one who supported me through my hysterotomy?"
"Yeah."
"This wasn't some reckless night where you got spit-roasted between two guys or a bargain to get a divorce." I flinched, but she barreled on. "This was you being forced against your will. I know how hard this decision was for you. I'm here for you, no matter what."
I began to cry, and she pulled me to my feet, wrapped her arms around me, and let me weep against her.
God, I didn't deserve her.
I'm not sure that I let Britt's hand go from the moment we walked away from the car until we were back in the apartment with dinner from the bodega, instantly making the apartment smell good.
"So what do you want to do first." She asked as she placed the brown paper bag that would put a stop to this on the kitchen counter.
"I need a shower, a real one. I feel grimy."
"Okay, do you want to do it alone?"
"No...would you mind?"
She waggled her eyebrows and pulled me towards our room, leaving the bag behind.
While she happily stripped off her clothes, I was more hesitant.
My body had been through hell, and I was afraid for her to see me looking even worse.
But she just kissed my forehead and busied herself by turning on the shower.
With her back to me, I pulled off my clothes and then quickly climbed into the shower behind her.
"You don't have to be ashamed; I saw everything just after...you might not remember, but I did." She said as she soaped up a loofa before turning around.
Her eyes were full of so much light and love that I didn't know how to feel.
So I let the tears fall as she lovingly washed my body, cleaning away all of the griminess that I'd been carrying with me for two weeks.
"I want to do it tonight." I said to her, and she nodded.
"Okay."
"Dr. Cabot told me how it works. It'll take a few hours for everything to happen. It will be like a horrible period."
"So I should baby you extra then?"
"Yes."
"Okay. We will eat dinner, and you can take them after that. We can have a movie marathon, just relax...make some plans for the rest of my time off."
"Like Lake George?" I prodded, and she nodded.
"Yes. If that's what you want, that's what we'll do."
As much as I loved that Britt had my back in this, there was something unnerving in her open acceptance without question.
But I bit my tongue and just enjoyed being pampered by her.
I'd missed it so much.
Once we were changed into comfy sweats, Britt heated up our food while I searched Netflix for something to binge-watch.
"Do you think you'll need chocolate?" B asked me as she put the food down on the coffee table.
"Why?"
"You said it was like a really heavy period, and when you have those, you always need chocolate and back rubs."
"Sure, B. That would be nice."
"Good. Luckily for you, Quinn has filled our pantry with chocolate stuff. She stayed here to help me out this whole time."
"That's why I love her."
We sat on pillows on the floor and rested back against the couch, falling into an easy silence as the movie started.
I'd missed being like that with Britt the most.
The only thing that could make it better would be using this time to have sex and not depressing shit, but beggars can't be choosers.
Britt had pushed her plate away and was curled up next to me, engrossed in the movie, but my mind was elsewhere. I needed to get this over with.
So I got up without unpausing the movie.
"I'm going to take these plates to the sink. Need anything?"
Britt shook her head and stared at the tv screen.
When she thought I wasn't looking, that's when I saw it...she'd quickly wiped away a tear and refocused on the movie.
Knowing that she was feeling the weight of this just as much as I was, made me feel a little better.
How shitty is that?
I wouldn't let myself get hung up on it, though. Instead, I took the dishes to the sink and washed them before turning back to the counter and defaulting towards the living room.
Britt had moved up the couch, paused the movie, and was watching me with her lip caught between her teeth.
She wouldn't let me do this alone.
"I'm here." She said, which gave me the push that I needed.
I said a quick prayer, begging for God's forgiveness before crossing myself.
"Here goes everything." I muttered before ripping the bag open and taking out a pill bottle with two lonely pills in it.
I filled a glass with water and then swallowed the pills back without another thought.
Britt opened her arms wide, beckoning me.
Even after I decided to do this, she still wanted me.
Tears filled my eyes as I made my way to her.
She moved back on the couch for me.
Once I was in her arms, she kissed my face and then pressed play.
Just having her there with me made me feel better than any drug.
God, I hoped that lasted.
To say that I got sick is an understatement.
Within hours, I was glued to the toilet seat, sobbing into a bucket vomiting.
Britt was on the other side of the door, where I had banished her to, singing to me.
She was the only reason that I was coherent.
I'd fallen asleep on the couch, and she had woken me up when I started groaning in my sleep.
Then she'd carried me to the bathroom and put a bucket beside me when I said I was going to be sick.
Her reward was me pointing to the door and begging her to leave.
I sat there long enough that my legs fell asleep, and my ass felt numb.
Just as quickly as everything had started, though, the worst of it seemed to pass in a matter of hours.
By the time the sun went down, I was curled up on the couch with a heating pad and Britt watching Scandal.
Every few minutes, I'd burst into tears, and she'd have to pause the tv but not even once did she seem annoyed.
"You cry like Olivia Pope; it's an ugly cry, baby." Britt said before bopping me on the nose midcry.
Which made me burst into tears.
"I'm feeling too much, B. How did you handle this?"
"Not as well as you are."
"Good Lord, if this is doing well, I'm so sorry I didn't cuddle you more."
"You did just fine, Santana Lopez."
"Lying is not your strongest skill, B."
"That you know of." I rolled my eyes, and then I was hit with a cramp; I pressed the hot water bottle down on my stomach and took deep breaths. "You should go play your piano, baby."
"I don't want to be alone."
"Then I'll go up with you; I need to dance anyway; I'm too pudgy."
"I like it; you're soft in all the right places."
"Uh...no, thanks. I need to be sexy in all the right places."
Her phone chimed, and she pulled it from the side table.
"Who is it?"
She opened the video, and two excited squeals made my heart race.
"Mami there?" Isaac asked.
"Yes." B said and then adjusted the phone, so we were both visible.
Daniela's eyes got big. "Mami!"
"Hi, baby girl, Hi, Papa."
I could feel the tears coming and tried to wipe them away discreetly, but of course, it didn't go unnoticed.
"Okay, to cry, Mami. I cry and Dani cry, and Mama cry. You cry, too. It's okay."
He totally sounded like B, and it made me cry even harder.
Screw it.
Britt let the call go on a few more minutes before promising to come home the next night to tuck them in, and the kids demanded that I be there too, and Britt laughed and assured them that I would be there.
My emotions were brimming over, and the cravings were crashing into me all at once.
"What do you need?"
"To play."
"Can you walk?"
"I really don't want to."
Britt dug her finger into my cheek dimple and then kissed my forehead.
Being cradled by her was one of my favorite things.
And the fact that she chose to climb the stairs instead of taking the elevator was even better because it meant that I could hang onto her for a little longer.
When it was all said and done, the main part of the pills tore me apart until about midnight.
My emotions were on ten thousand, but Britt stayed right by my side through it.
She set my metronome and placed a hot water bottle between my stomach and the piano.
And just like she promised, she danced while I played for her.
It became a game, I'd up and down the tempo to see how well she reacted, and she was like magic.
Then when the words came to me for a new song, she patiently wrote it down while I sang it off the top of my head.
Being alone like that was bringing us back to the things we loved about each other.
Our bond was cementing itself again, which was definitely something we needed.
That night, as I laid in Britt's arms, I prayed until I fell asleep.
I felt calmer than I had in an eternity, knowing that Britt was there to look out for me.
She'd made a hard situation easier and deserved the world.
With the cravings still coursing through my body, I wasn't sure I could give her that, but I was damn sure going to try my best.
Brittany's POV
I've become a master at faking sleep.
This is why Ana had no idea that I was awake until she fell asleep.
I laid there watching her face scrunch up and her lips moving in silent words.
All I wanted was to interrogate the crap out of her; I mean, she had this HUGE thing happen...then even more huge stuff happen. As a result, I had so many questions, but I could tell that she wouldn't be able to handle it.
So I waited.
And watched.
Not once had she mentioned who knew about this pregnancy, but I was sure that she'd at least have told Marco and her therapist.
And me.
But did Quinn know?
I was dying to find out.
And then there was the question of her cravings, how bad were they still?
Would she need to go back to rehab soon?
The moment she was asleep, her body began to twitch like it used to when she craved a fix.
I wanted to get up and do something, anything to distract myself from what I was absolutely sure would be more drama, but she needed me. I promised myself that I would push aside my own feelings and be there for her.
So, I ignored my urge to move and stayed put.
I thought I was doing good by not moving, but then dark eyes were staring at me, illuminated by the street lights.
"Why are you squirming?" Her voice was grave as she spoke.
"I feel like I have ants in my bones."
"Your bones? I think it's pants; the saying is you have ants in your pants."
"But I'm not wearing pants."
"I know."
"But I'm wearing bones, and they need to move, but I didn't want to wake you."
"And yet, you did. It's okay to get up, B. I'm exhausted, but that doesn't mean you need to stay in bed with me."
"But I want to stay in bed with you."
"Are you sleepy?"
"No."
"Well then, get up and dance those ants out of your bones, silly goose."
She leaned in and kissed my lips, hers were a little chapped, but I didn't care.
I was just happy to have her there with me.
She curled up and fell back to sleep in minutes while I left the room.
And like I had been doing for weeks, I put on some music and began to clean.
Since we've been up at the house, the apartment has been more of a weigh station on the way to other places, so most of my cleaning was dusting and then mopping.
I was having my own dance competition when there was a knock on the door.
My watch blinked 3:21 a.m., I rushed towards our bedroom and peeked in on Ana. She was still drooling on my pillow, so I nudged her.
I'd seen horror movies, in them, if you didn't let someone know when something strange happened, you disappeared.
Ana looked up at me with sleepy eyes and scrunched brows.
"What's wrong?"
"Someone is knocking at the door."
She nodded like she expected this. "Did you answer?"
"No. It's the middle of the night; I freaked out and came to you."
"Want me to answer it?"
Even pale, skinny, and sick, she still looked tough.
How did she do that?
"Come with me?"
She wiped at her eyes and then quickly shuffled into slippers, then pulled on her robe and took my hand.
Her steps were small, but she was pushing through.
"I'm fine." She insisted. "Check the peephole."
I groaned when I saw the two last people I was in the mood to see.
"Why are they here at this hour?" I muttered.
"Who?" Ana asked from beside me as she gripped the doorknob.
"Your mom and Nico."
That seemed to wake her up. "Together?"
"Yes."
"Something is wrong. If he's here with my mom...that can only mean..." She trailed off, and I couldn't stand to wait, so finally, I pulled open the door.
Gladys threw up her hands in relief and hugged me, then her eyes fell on Ana, and she let me go. "You're home?! I thought it was still a few more days!"
"Bendicion." She said as her mom hugged her tighter than she could probably stand.
Nico still stood in the hallway.
"Are you coming in?"
"No. I'm standing guard; if I need anything, I'll knock, lock this once it's closed." With that, he reached for the doorknob and pulled the door closed.
Gladys immediately began to fuss over Ana, which normally, I wouldn't interrupt my wife had been through enough. Too much happened for Gladys to just be able to suddenly act like a mother.
"Why are you here in the middle of the night?" I asked Gladys loudly.
She looked at me as if I'd threatened her.
"I came to see you. Trent has been allowed to post bail. He's heard through the grapevine that he's looking for my daughter; I was going to come to tell you that she shouldn't be in this apartment."
"You could have called." I snapped, and she rolled her eyes.
"Now that I know my daughter is here, I am glad that I didn't hesitate to come."
"Mami, stop." Ana said, pushing the hand that had been petting her off. "You didn't visit me once in rehab, and now you come here pretending to care? What's really going on?"
I had never seen my mother-in-law look so hurt, good.
I'd had enough of her fake caring.
My wife was in that interrogation room for hours, bleeding and crying out for help and her mother just fucking watched it happen.
"I'm serious, mi'ja. This apartment isn't safe."
Ana looked at me, her body shaking. She had pain written all over her face. "I'm going to get dressed; I'll pull something out for you. Deal with her." She said and then walked away from her mother like she was nothing more than a stranger.
Nice Gladys was out the window the moment that our bedroom door closed.
"How dare you take her out of rehab without telling me, Brittany!" She growled.
"I'm her wife! You don't get a say, I fired you as her lawyer, and you are barely hanging on as her mother. She wanted to come home, and I support her."
"Are you sure?"
"What does that mean?"
"When the going gets tough, Brittany gets going. That's what you've always done."
"Don't you dare turn on me just because you feel rejected by Santana."
"I didn't come here for this."
"Then what did you come here for?"
Her eyes darted around.
"Wait...you didn't think I'd be here...or that I'd be awake at least, is that it?" She hesitated. "Fuck this family and its secrets!" I yelled.
The bedroom door flew open, and out came bare feet slapping towards us.
"What happened?"
I turned towards my wife, who was dressed in my sweatpants and her robe. She looked so tired and a bit sweaty. I moved over and pressed a hand to her face. She was burning up.
"You should be resting, baby."
"I was...it's fine, I'll just see our babies sooner. Why were you yelling?"
"She wants something in this apartment."
Ana looked to Gladys and then tilted her head like she was trying to read her mind.
"What do you want, Mami?"
"I didn't say I wanted anything."
"What is it?" Gladys shook her head. "You wasted your time if you're here for any of Papi's documents. They're in my safe."
"Where?" Gladys asked.
"Why does it matter?"
"Damnit, Santana, this isn't a game. None of it is. If he gets a hold of those papers...if anyone does...we could lose everything."
"I'm already in danger of that." Ana said, rubbing at her temples. "Mami, the papers are safe. Just go home; we can talk in the morning once I had a good night's sleep and seen my babies."
"Are we really in danger here?" I asked Gladys.
There was a knock at the door, and I unlocked it.
Nico came in looking jumpy.
"We need to make a move. Are you ladies ready?" Gladys wasn't reliable, but Nico generally was...except when he needed to keep my wife safe. Maybe he'd gotten my message loud and clear. Don't talk about protecting my wife. Actually, do it.
Say less.
JUNE...finally!
Brittany's POV
We had one full morning back at work, and then Frank dropped like a stone mid-rehearsal.
A heart attack hit him out of nowhere, and August took that as a sign. He gave everyone the rest of the summer off and said we'd be back to work after Labor Day.
Which meant that a rushed trip to Lake George in the middle of the night turned into nearly a month away from the city.
After Gladys and Nico showed up, we drove to Scarsdale and, with the help of my parents, packed our sleeping kids in the car and drove the three hours up to Lake George.
My plan had been to stay until the start of work, which was what I did. Still, then I left Ana up in Lake George with the plan to drive back up after my first week back, but I ended up packing up more clothes and driving back up there before the day was done.
When Ana saw me pull into the driveway, she stood there wringing her hands until I climbed out of the car.
"Why are you here? What happened?"
"Frank is in the hospital, heart attack. He's going to be okay, but the rehearsals have been pushed to September...so we get to stay here for longer." I said, and she threw herself at me.
"Thank God! You've been gone one night, and your mom is already driving me crazy." She whispered against my neck. I lifted her legs around my waist and carried her to the little bungalow that we were renting out that felt super small with the kids and my parents.
"Maybe we can rent the house next door. No one is in it yet."
"No. I have a problem with hiding when I'm uncomfortable. Your parents keep me grounded and feeling normal; I need them around. It's just good to have an ally."
"Me?"
"Of course."
"How are you feeling?"
"Britt, it was three weeks ago. I'm fine. Seriously."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes...in fact...I was thinking...maybe we could sneak away."
"Once you get a check-up to make sure you're fine down there."
"I knew you'd say that! I already have an appointment for this Friday to check things out."
For the last three weeks, Ana kept doing stuff like that, adult stuff.
She seemed determined to put Dr. Cray as far out of her mind as possible.
I loved watching her fuss over the kids and happily getting down on the floor with them.
And then there was her taking care of business.
We'd not had sex for over a month, and I knew from the look in her eyes that her needs were back.
But I wasn't touching her unless I had the go-ahead; I knew myself, it had been too long, and I wanted to be rough just how we liked, and I couldn't do that with all the stuff looming over us.
Ana was intentional about everything she did. I knew she talked to Amy every morning while she had her coffee, which was helping with her peace of mind.
There was only one looming thing...since the night she'd shown up to our apartment, Gladys had been radio silent, and my wife seemed content to let that happen.
But I hated not knowing what was going on; the quieter Gladys was, the more nervous I got.
"Have you talked to your mom?" I asked her after I put her down on the porch. She scowled at me.
"No."
"Have you checked on your safe?"
"Yes. It's fine."
"You know, I've never asked...where is the safe?"
"It's safe." She grinned at me, and I could see the anxiety in her eyes. My girl loved her secrets, and she'd come by it honestly.
Knowing her, she probably didn't want me to know because I was easier to break than she was.
Fair enough.
I kissed her and then looked at my watch.
"Is it naptime?"
"Sure is. Little monsters went down twenty minutes ago, and your parents are on a boat ride around the lake."
"So we have some alone time?"
"Yup."
"Wanna make out?"
"Do I ever?!" She silently cheered. "As long as there's some grinding action...I need some relief."
"And some squeezing and teasing."
She walked backward into our bedroom, and I followed as I kicked off my old boots.
"Fuck baby, that feels good." We'd gotten carried away; I was gripping her hips as she pressed herself on my thigh. "I'm so close."
I loved watching her get so worked up. I wanted to fuck her badly, but I couldn't...not yet.
My phone went off. I reached for it blindly and saw that it was my mother.
"Be quiet...I'm going to answer. It might be important."
Ana big her palm and continued working herself up.
"Brittany?" Mom said, sounding panicked.
"Yeah?"
"We just got home, and it sounds like Santana is in there with someone."
Had they not seen the car?
"It's fine. She's not cheating on me, mom."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Look out the front window. I gotta go. Bye." I ended the call and tossed the phone to the side.
Ana let out a cackle as she pulled my hand back to her hip.
"Please, B?"
"Please what?"
"I need you...please, just a finger?"
"We don't know yet, Ana."
"Please? I've been touching myself, and nothing bad happens."
That got my attention.
"You've been touching yourself? When?"
"At night, when you're sleeping, I read smutty stories on my phone and rub it out. I've got needs, Daddy." She flirted, and that was enough for me; I rolled us so that I was hovering above her and then slowly touched her.
"Is that okay?"
She glared.
"Shut up, and fuck me."
"You're going to have to call out my name, just so you know."
"You need to earn it." She grinned.
So with my parents just a room away, I did everything I could to fuck my name past her lips.
I was afraid to get carried away, but then Ana was nibbling on my ear, and my fingers sunk into her just as she seemed to be on edge.
"YES! FUCK! BRITTANY!"
I rolled off of her and felt her curl against my side. Her body was shaking, so I braced myself for the tears that I knew would come.
"See, I knew you weren't ready." I turned to her, and she was grinning like a madman. "Are you laughing?"
"Do you think she heard me?"
"Oh definitely, she's heard us go at it so many times that she is probably waiting to make sure it's me...even though I told her to look out the window."
"Did I scream your name good enough, Daddy?" She teased, and I rolled on top of her again, slapping my hand down to cup her.
"Fuck." She grinded all of that wetness on my palm.
"You already want more?"
"Yes...but I know we should probably go show our faces."
"Or we could-" I began, and then I heard little fists hitting the door.
"MAMA! MAMI! UP?!"
She kissed me and then wiggled from beneath me.
"You heard the monsters. Get up, Mama." She said before slapping my bare ass.
Needless to say, dinner that night was super awkward.
Mom kept shooting me looks, and Dad wouldn't look at me at all. He directed all of his conversations to Izzy, who gladly talked back.
Ana didn't give two shits, though.
"So Rob, are you ready to go to the diner tomorrow?"
"Oh yeah, since Britt's home, for some reason...will you be coming over?"
"I'm here for the rest of the summer, isn't that awesome?" I asked, and my parents shared a look.
Then Mom placed her hand on top of mine. "Sweetie, I think it would be best for everyone if your father and I rented the house across the way."
"Why?" I smiled sweetly and gave her an innocent face. I felt Ana pinch my leg, and then Izzy interrupted my fun.
"I poop." He said, looking upset.
"Aww, Papa, come on, I'll get you clean." Ana said, scooping him up and walking out of the dining room.
"I'm so embarrassed about earlier. Is Santana mad?"
"No. She actually appreciates you guys being here; she said it gives her that feeling of home that her parents never gave her. We will be quieter. Sorry, you had to hear us."
"It wouldn't be the first time, but it's changed; now not only is she, my daughter-in-law, but she's also kinda my boss, honey. I really don't want to hear that." Dad said, looking red-faced.
"Sorry. Look, we got worked up. It's been a while." Dad cringed. "She needs the stability that having us around gives her. You know how her family is."
"Gamma, have more, please?" Dani said to Mom, and that seemed to cheer her back up.
"So, what are you doing for Santana's 21st birthday?"
"Not sure. We can't do the normal stuff. I'm not going to take her drinking."
"What about the club you went to with Quinn...where you got drunk even though you're 20?"
"Uh...who told you about that, Dad?"
"Your mother."
"Oh...well, if it makes you feel better, Quinn took my fake id away from me after that night."
"Good."
"I'd love to take her to Disney or an island, but she can't leave New York, so I need to find something else to do. Would you mind watching the kids if I take her away for the weekend?"
"Of course we'll watch them. They are so sweet. You've been doing great with them."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely, you make me so proud, honey bear."
"Thanks, Dad."
Santana's POV
I was sweating my ass off as I ran around the lake, the cravings wouldn't leave me alone, so I was doing what I could to combat them.
Having Britt back at the Lake meant that I had to find other ways to deal with the cravings.
She'd only been gone a few hours when I had left the kids with Susan to go for a drive.
It took me twenty minutes to find what I was looking for.
A shady guy had been lingering outside a convenience store.
I saw him handing off to some random dude, and when that same dude came inside, I offered him all the money in my wallet for whatever he just bought.
From the looks of it, he was making out like a bandit from the few hundreds I was carrying around.
Being triaged at rehab instead of being in the general population had taught me something new. I had learned how to portion out my highs and manage my lows out of pure necessity.
Which meant that my highs didn't play out like they used to.
I'd been using just enough to keep me level because the alternative was puking up my guts and diarrhea.
So, since I bought the baggie a week before, I'd been only taking small hits in the morning and right before naptimes.
Doing it at night was too risky; I'd learned that the hard way when I had left the dinner table to clean up Isaac that first night Britt was back.
I'd gotten Isaac cleaned up and then could feel him wheezing, so I set up his machine, took a small hit, and then sat with him through his treatment.
The high was rushed, so I'd taken more than I had been.
A nosebleed came soon after, which forced me to leave Isaac in the glider with his mask on while I cleaned my nose.
He was so into his show that he paid me no mind but seeing him in that chair looking so tiny while he took a breathing treatment reminded me of why he was all fucked up.
I stood there crying while he drifted off, trying to smother my cries in the crook of my arm.
When I peeked out into the dining room, they were all at the table, having a beautiful family moment that I refused to mess up, so I called out to them from the hall.
"B, he's asleep after a treatment. I'm gonna shower...can you pack my plate for later?"
"You got it!" She called back.
Crisis averted.
Or so I thought.
Mid-run, with the coke coursing through me, I heard footfalls coming up behind me.
And then my wife was running a step ahead of me.
"When were you going to tell me about the drugs, Santana?"
I stopped in my tracks, and so did she.
We were well out of earshot of anyone else, on the side of the lake where no one lived.
It was just trees, lakeshore, and us.
Her eyes searched my face, and then she ran her thumb under my nose.
When I saw it, there was dried blood on it.
"It's not what you think." I said as I collected myself. The tears were threatening to come, but I held them back; I couldn't try to force her to pity me. "I can explain."
"Okay. Explain."
"He fucked with my DNA...he gave me a drug that made my body need opioids to function. When I don't take something...I get...sick."
"How sick?"
"My stomach gets sick, I can't keep anything down...I get dizzy, and everything hurts. I'm okay if I have a small hit. I've been super careful. I'm on a schedule, and it's been okay."
"How long were you going to keep this from me?"
"I did tell you about the drug. I told you it changed what my body needed."
"But you didn't tell me about taking drugs outside of rehab."
"I know."
"Isn't there something that they can prescribe you?" I shrugged. "What does a shrug mean?"
"It means that I haven't told anyone about this...not even my doctors."
"Well, you need to do that today, or I'm taking you back."
"Back?"
"To rehab. Yes."
"Seriously?"
"Yes."
She began to run again, and I ran after her until I was in step with her.
"How did you know?"
"Mom heard you sniffing at the same time every morning and asked me if you were okay. After she pointed it out, I started piecing the last few weeks together...right down to your super horniness, so, I went searching and found residue...then I came looking for you."
"Did you tell her?" I was feeling anxious.
"No. I told her you had a new sinus medicine; I know about your deal with Walker. I know that she's going to push you into being a silent partner if she finds out you slipped. So I'm going to give you this one chance to try to fix this on your own before I step in."
"Thanks, B."
"Don't thank me yet."
"Right."
When Britt is serious about something, she goes quiet with me. It's all firm touches and burning looks.
And I hated it.
It always felt clinical and cold.
We'd been in a good place, and my goal was to keep it that way.
So, as soon as we got back to the house, I called Amy, who referred me to Dr. Clover.
And like the prodigal child that I was, I swallowed back my shame and called Doc.
"Santana, how are you?"
"I could be better."
"Tell me what's going on."
"I've been using in small doses since I left...because being sober has meant hell on my body."
"Because of the vitamin deficiency complex?"
"Yes."
"Do you need me to make room for you here, or did you need something else?"
"There was a synthetic opioid that they gave me...the non-addictive one...I talked to Amy, and she wanted me to defer to you."
"I'll check your files to see what your dosage was and send it to your closest pharmacy."
"Thank you."
"Are you calling of your own volition, or did Brittany push you to do this?"
"Both."
"You need to get yourself to a meeting, Santana, today."
"I'll check for them."
"Send me the zip code you're in; I'll locate the places and send it to you."
"Can you actually send them to Brittany? I feel like she'll hold me accountable. That's what I really need right now."
"I'll send the list to you both."
"Thanks."
"You should call Amy back as well, update her on our call, and set up some time to get back on your daily session schedule with her."
"How'd you know we scaled back our meetings?"
"She has to report to the court and me once a week to ensure that you are still a sound witness."
"Oh."
"Yes, this case is very high profile; they will do whatever it takes to bring down the whole operation."
"And I could fuck that up for them?"
"Absolutely."
"Noted...thank you for doing this, doc. I appreciate it."
"I hope it helps."
"Me too."
When Doc confirmed that she'd sent the script to the local pharmacy, I went straight to Britt, who was cleaning the breakfast dishes and talking to her mom.
"B?" I balled my hands into fists at my sides. At the same time, I waited for her to acknowledge me, but then her bloodshot eyes were looking into mine, and I felt the weight of her discovery. I'd messed up and lied. She wasn't happy, and it would take more than a prescription to help. "Doc sent a prescription to the pharmacy. Do you want to come with me?"
She mumbled to her mom, who wasn't looking at me.
In fact, Susan was doing everything to not even acknowledge me.
Great.
"Mom has the kids. Let's go."
She stuck out her pinky, and I linked mine with hers.
I slipped my sunglasses on and waited while Susan wrote a list out for Britt.
Before we left, Susan finally stepped in front of me and tipped my chin up.
"I'm not angry with you. I believe that you can beat this, honey. Just keep communicating your needs and trust your wife to support you. Yeah?"
"Thanks, Susan."
"Spend some time out of the house. We are going to take the kiddos on a boat."
"Don't forget your life jackets...okay?" I said, feeling nervous about that lake; something about being in it sent chills through me.
"Always. Take care of each other, okay? No holding back." She kissed our cheeks and then wiped at the lipstick that she left behind.
I snuck into the kids' room where they were napping and kissed them before we headed out.
Once we were alone again, Britt finally said what she really felt.
"There's something you should know." She said, and I felt fear, really terrifying, soul-splitting fear.
"What?" My voice was high-pitched.
"Frank is insisting that the show must go on. They are calling us back in mid-July. I don't think I'm comfortable leaving you up here...after your birthday, we are going home."
"But I don't want to go home, B. I'm happy here."
"I don't trust you, Santana. Not when you're alone."
"You don't trust me?" I knew it was coming but fuck if it didn't sting.
"My parents want to pack up their house in Lima and stay in Lake George until the diner is complete. That means they need to go home soon, and I'd much rather you be in the city when I'm at work."
"Hold the fuck up. Do you not trust me with the kids by myself?" She gripped the steering wheel and didn't say a word. "They are my fucking kids, Brittany. They are safe with me!"
"I didn't say they weren't."
"Yeah, you pretty much did."
"You made me promise to take them from you if I thought they were in danger, and I haven't done that, have I?"
"No."
"Then stop making a mountain out of an anthill." She said distractedly.
"Molehill." I muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Despite Susan telling us to communicate and be open, we both shut down.
At least, I thought we did.
When we got to the pharmacy, she turned the car off and then took my hand.
"Look at me." She said with a strained voice. When I looked in her eyes, there wasn't even a little anger, just concern, and love.
"I'm sorry, B. I don't want to be like this...I...I don't want us to fight."
"Neither do I. What have I always said about you fighting this?"
"That you'd have my back as long as I keep fighting."
"And in your own weird way, that's what you've been doing. You made a baggie of coke last. How long?"
"A month."
"In the past, how long had that lasted you?"
"A few hours."
"You were trying, even if it wasn't in a healthy way."
"I guess you're right."
"I'm glad you agree."
"So where do we go from here?"
"Right now, I want to get this medicine, and then maybe we can get ice cream. Something simple...and then you can show me the diner. I'd love to see it; I haven't had the chance yet."
Brittany's POV
How do you show that you trust a person without really trusting them?
Lie.
If I didn't lie, she wouldn't let this go.
And that's what I wanted, so I needed to pull a few strings.
It took a few hours, but I was good at distracting her.
First, I put in her prescription, and then I decided to play a game with her.
Find three random things in the store that you'd think I'd love and create a detailed story of why you got it.
At first, she seemed unsure, but she met me at the register with her basket behind her back after an hour.
"What are you doing?" I grinned at her, and she looked up at the ceiling and whistled like she was trying to be casual.
"Nothing to see here, B."
"Yeah, okay. Well, I got your prescription. I'll meet you in the car." I said with my most serious face, but then I shot her a smirk, and her face relaxed.
I wanted her to know that things would be okay.
Even if they didn't feel like it.
I had no idea if treating her like things weren't a big deal would work. It was the only way that I hadn't tried yet.
When she got to the car with her bag, she looked just as excited as one of the kids.
"When do I give you the stuff?"
"At the diner."
She looked confused.
"That's...um...an interesting choice, B."
I just winked at her and drove towards the diner.
Dad and his crew had been working hard for over a month, and it already looked way better than the pictures that I'd seen.
I took Ana's hand, grabbed my bag, and let her lead me inside.
She unlocked the door and then held it open for me.
And there in the center of the room was a blanket and a picnic basket.
"What's that?" She asked.
"Lunch...are you hungry?"
She seemed confused, but I'd done enough weird shit for her to just go with it.
"Yeah, actually."
We sat down on the blanket, and I pulled my bag into my lap.
First, I pulled out her bottle of pills and placed it next to the picnic basket, then nodded to her.
"Go ahead, baby."
She looked nervous as she glanced at the pill bottle, then she gave me her best smile. It looked fake, but I chose to believe in her.
Ana looked excited as she pulled out her three items and put them on the blanket between us.
"So I got you this ring pop to symbolize the sweetness that our marriage has brought out in us both." She opened the package and held it up for me. When I held out my hand, she slid it on my finger.
"I love it. Cherry is my favorite."
She looked so proud of herself.
"Next up, I got you these insoles for your favorite old dance sneakers; I know how attached to them you are, so wearing these will make them last a little longer." I took them excitedly; I had been dreading throwing out my old sneakers because I danced the best in them.
"It means so much to me that you noticed, Ana. Thank you." I leaned towards her and dropped a kiss on her forehead.
She blushed and shrugged a shoulder.
"I'm glad you like them...okay, this last thing is um...something...that uh...I hope symbolizes the first time that I was able to really let my feelings for you show." She handed me a stuffed bird, and I held it in my hand, so confused.
"Huh?"
She stood to her feet and smiled down at me, then out of nowhere, she began to sing Songbird.
I watched the way her voice twisted the song differently than the first time. There was so much more emotion behind it now than ever before.
My heart felt huge, and the big, fat tears that rolled down my cheeks showed her just how much I loved this gift. I cuddled the little stuffed bird closer to me, and she laughed as she sang the final notes.
"I love you, Britt Britt."
"Come here." I held my arms open, and she knelt down and sunk into my hug. "I love you too, Ana banana, para siempre."
She huffed out and squeezed me tight.
"I sure hope so."
My gifts to Ana were nothing like the thoughtful gifts she'd given me.
All of my gifts were silly, but she grinned each time.
Especially when I slid a blue raspberry ring pop on her finger.
Then there was the wide hairbrush that looked like a paddle; her eyes got big at that, and then she shivered a bit.
Finally, I had gotten her a simple greeting card that I had filled out in the car while she checked out.
All it said was 'I BEE-Lieve in you.' with a fuzzy bee on the cover.
That one she got the most excited about for some reason.
We ate the simple lunch that Mom had sent over, and then I watched her take two pills that were supposed to help her.
I had no idea what they would do to her, and separating her from the kids like this while I made sure she wasn't a danger to them seemed like the right thing.
So what if I had made it seem sweet, I still didn't trust her like I wanted to.
Especially not while she was on an opioid, synthetic or not.
By the time we got back to the car, her eyes were glazed, and she kept licking her lips but other than that, she seemed okay.
I was still unsure about just about everything.
The only thing that I was sure of was that no matter what, I would be on her side.
Even if it meant that I'd have to save her from herself eventually.
My hope that whatever came next, I'd be prepared to do what was necessary to protect our family.
By any means necessary.
Loving Santana Lopez has always meant one thing: I would always have to love her more than she could ever love herself.
Even if that meant giving her tough love and fixing her stumbles.
Leading her towards the best path sometimes took all my energy, but I was built for that.
Whether she liked it or not.
I would be there.