Hurts Like Hell (Fleurie)
Brittany's POV
She was happily still working through the song's lyrics and smiling to herself when I left her.
"I'm trusting you." I said, and she nodded, then kissed my cheeks, my forehead, and my lips in a super-kiss, something we hadn't done in FOREVER.
It felt like I was getting my wife back, piece by piece...even with the Nico thing...even with the coke she'd spread around...I was trusting her.
But it hurt like hell because I knew better.
Should have known better.
I went down to Celia's, interrupting her painting for the millionth time in two days; Sandra answered the door with sad eyes.
"Hey." I said, and she pulled me into a hug.
"How are you? Ceily told me about last night."
"I'm doing okay. She regrets it and will barely let me touch her, but she's honest."
"Honest?" Sandra obviously didn't know much.
"Yes. I'm choosing to trust her, but I'm not saying you have to. I need to go drop off clothes for the kids. She's up there by herself...if you know, you want to check-in."
I'd said enough. Sandra hugged me again, and I felt calmer knowing that I was leaving Ana in her sister's hands.
So when I got to Midtown and Gladys insisted on making me and Hector talk through things, I was content that Sandra was there with Santana.
Hector apologized, not that I believed him, but I wasn't going to hold a grudge. I didn't need to like him, but I could at least fake respect him.
Gladys loaded me down with Ana's favorite meal, and I got a bunch of giggling kisses from the kids before heading home.
And even though I knew I shouldn't worry, I did because when I video chatted with Ana to say goodnight to the kids, I got no answer.
But maybe she was showering.
Are you with Ana?-Brittany
Left a while ago, but her friend got there as I was leaving.-Sandra
Who?-Brittany
Carmen.-Sandra
I was half a block away when I got that message and ran the rest of the way to the building.
When I got to the front desk, I asked if there had been any visitors to the building, and they told me no.
"What about a woman named Carmen?" I demanded.
"Oh, Carmen, she used to live in 7A; she came in with another resident."
"Ok, thanks." I said before climbing into the open elevator.
I should have had the security stop Carmen from leaving, but maybe her getting away was best for everyone.
Maybe it wasn't a big deal; Carmen was anti-drug despite being married to Nico.
She'd always wanted Ana to get clean, so maybe she was coming to check-in.
Or maybe she found out.
Maybe my gut wasn't wrong.
But then I got home, and Carmen was super calm as she gave me a kiss on my cheek and told me that I looked good.
Then she left.
Was that blood on her cheek?
A scratch?
I wanted to stop her so I could ask about it, but then I heard that heart-shattering sob from my wife.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry."
I turned back towards the hall, but Carmen was gone.
Leaving me with the wreckage.
I took the stairs two at a time until I reached the top of the stairs.
Ana was pulling herself to her feet, looking unsteady.
When I reached for her to make sure she didn't fall, she jerked away from me.
"B?" She wiped the blood from her face. Carmen knew, and Ana had paid for it.
"I'll kill her." I said, and she leaned into me.
"No...I deserved it." She said and then rested her head against my shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Do you want me to call the cops?"
"No."
"What can I do?"
"Just leave it. I'm okay. Stop the violence, right?" She pushed off of me and pushed her shoulders back before making her way to the stairs.
"Hey, wait." I was faster and picked her up, carrying her down to the first floor.
She patted my shoulder and gave me a half-smile. "My hero."
With one eye swollen shut, she rummaged through the freezer and pulled out an ice pack.
Then she filled up the electric kettle and hummed to herself.
"Uh...are we just going to act like you didn't just get your ass kicked?"
"I've taken worse." She muttered, "She went easy on me."
"This is easy?" I was feeling so many things; how was she so fucking calm?
She looked at me with that pity she only directed at other people.
"It's nothing. I can walk...talk...and nothing is broken, I'm not in a coma. She went easy."
With those words, she pressed the ice to her eye and hissed but then went back to humming while she waited for the water to heat up.
"Fine. Are you hungry?"
"No."
"Is there anything I can do?"
"No."
"Fine." I threw up my hands and left her in the kitchen looking like she'd just gone three rounds in the ring with Rocky. "I'm taking a shower."
"Enjoy."
Only I couldn't enjoy my shower, not with things the way that they were.
So I called Gladys.
"Hi, Brittany."
"Hi, what would it take to get Santana's house arrest moved?"
"You made quite a stink about getting it set up the way it is; what makes you want to change it at nine o'clock at night?"
"I didn't want to tell you this, but I don't think I have a choice." I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling anxious, but I had to be honest, or Gladys wouldn't help me.
"I don't like the sound of this."
"Ana relapsed; she reached out to Nico because she thought she could trust him. He turned out to be just as bad as every other guy. She...did things with him for drugs. Before you ask, I have what he gave her, or at least, I have most of it. You know how she hides things. Anyway, When I came home, Carmen, Nico's wife, was leaving the apartment. I found Santana beat up in the loft. She insists that she's fine and doesn't want to go to the cops. I get it; Carmen is dangerous, maybe more than Nico. I already know she won't want to press charges; I tried to limit her to this place. It's not working, or at least it was working until you and Sandra ruined it."
"Believe me, I didn't want to, but Sandra is packing up her life in New York, and she couldn't leave without unloading her truth on Santana. If I could take it back, I would. If you two come back here, I'll be able to help you both. Hector, would do anything for her...and it would be nice for the kids to spend some time with their family."
"How soon could you make it happen?"
"I can pull a few strings, but it's late, so my guess is we can get it changed in the morning."
"And you'll handle your husband? I can't have him judging us or trying to toughen up Izzy. He's already at a disadvantage by being sicker than most kids. We want them to be happy, Gladys."
"I have protected my daughter from her own father; I have no problem protecting you all from him. He's not Aden; he is adaptable."
"Okay. Can you let me know when it's official?"
"Absolutely. Make sure she ices up, and Brittany?"
"Yes?"
"Remember that she loves you more than her own life."
"That's what I'm afraid of." I heard a thump from the kitchen and felt panic zip through my body. "She's been alone for too long; I'm gonna go."
"Okay, cuĂdate. Don't worry, we'll get it sorted out."
My skin itched, and my stomach ached as I walked back out to the kitchen with my wife nowhere in sight.
I wanted to believe that she wasn't somewhere trying to soothe the pain, but I knew better.
So, for one of the first times, I just let it happen because I was tired.
I heated up the food Gladys had sent over and then turned on the electric kettle because Ana had forgotten to.
Despite it all, I still loved her, and I would until my dying day, even if it had to be from afar because this hurt too much.
The apartment was silent without the kids, so I could hear everything.
She was in the loft, mumbling to herself, and then I heard the rustling...it was only a matter of time.
The microwave chimed, and I pulled the plate out too focused on the sound of her sniffing and ended up burning myself on the plate.
"Oh fuck! OW!" I yelped, putting the plate down as fast as I could.
And because it was quiet, she could also hear me, so her footsteps rushed down the stairs.
I had my hand under cool water when she reached for a dry dish towel to wrap around my hand.
Even though it wasn't that bad...just a few fingertips, she was extra cautious.
We looked like a mess, her high and swollen and me burnt.
I took one look at her blown pupils, the trickle of blood from her nose and busted lip...and I began to cackle.
My mind just didn't know how to feel anymore.
She looked at me with a stuck expression while I laughed myself to tears.
"What's so funny? Are you okay? Britt, answer me, please!"
"This is so fucked up." I said as I turned off the water. "Anyway, I know you aren't hungry when you're high, but I burnt myself for you, so you need to sit your ass down and eat."
She looked at me in surprise but come on, how long had we been playing this game?
I knew when she took drugs, her whole body reacted; how could I NOT notice?
But she was always surprised that I knew, and I usually played dumb, but I was fed up.
Maybe I should have been nicer since she just got beat up, but that was her fault.
And if she wanted to brush it off...then I wouldn't baby her.
I must have still looked tough, even though I was grinning because she grabbed the plate and sat at the counter, watching me as she took small bites.
"Good girl." I said, and she nodded. Fuck Marco for this submissive bullshit.
Fuck it all.
My phone buzzed while I watched my wife eat; I put it to my ear and kept staring ahead.
"Yes?"
"It was approved; she has 24 hours to move. She'll be restricted to the house except for her meetings and visits to Amy; she will be here."
"So we can do it now?"
"Yes."
"Thanks."
"I'll get your room ready. See you soon."
"Yeah, thanks." I said before ending the call.
"Who was that?" She asked.
"Your mom."
"That's how you talk to her?" She seemed offended on behalf of her mother; that was new.
"She didn't mind. Finish up. We have shit to do."
I was feeding into her paranoia, and I didn't care.
She had been programmed to take orders, and I would call all the fucking shots until the trial was finished, and we were safely away from New York.
If we had any shot of lasting as a couple, I needed to take charge of how that happened because I couldn't trust her to do it.
What a waste.
I needed to hit something at that moment, but instead, I filled up a glass of water and slid it in front of her.
She had nearly finished her food but pushed the plate away and chugged the water instead.
And I should have known what she was doing.
I was pushing her, and she was rebelling because of fucking course she was.
She wouldn't be Santana Lopez if she didn't rebel.
"Don't you dare throw up, Santana!" I snapped at her, and she looked at me, again in surprise that I knew what she was doing.
"I...I wasn't?" She tilted her head, trying on innocence.
"You aren't as good a liar as you think."
She slid from her stool and began to walk away.
"Fuck you." She muttered.
And that was my fucking limit. "Hey!"
I stormed up behind her, and she froze, her body shaking and her face looking terrified, but I didn't want to hurt her.
"I'm sorry! Don't, please?" She squeaked, and I just pulled her into a bear hug.
"I wasn't going to hurt you. You're the only one doing the hurting." I didn't mean to say it, but it slipped, and once it was out, I didn't feel like apologizing.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry." And then, to add to the crap sundae, she threw up all over me.
Great.
I didn't give her time to pack anything but a change of clothes and the cat.
The less time that she had to pack, the less likely it was that she'd take whatever stash she had.
It was midnight when I helped her into the car, with her looking way better than before.
After the vomit, that I was forced to clean before dragging her into the shower, I didn't drop the bomb about leaving until we were about to get dressed.
She looked at me with more surprise; I was starting to think that I must have gotten better at shocking people.
Maybe I could put it on my resume.
The best shocker...ME.
I'd have to ask Frankie.
She looked at the outside world like she'd been locked away for years and not weeks.
Not that she could see much with one eye nearly swollen shut.
When we pulled into the driveway of the house, she turned to me and took my hand.
"Tell me that I'll be able to go outside, please?"
"For an hour a day." I said, and she nodded in agreement.
"That's better than nothing."
The carport light came on as we carried our overnight bag and Snix's cat box towards the house.
Gladys was standing at the door, looking straight at her daughter's jacked-up face, and I realized that if I hadn't told her about Carmen, she probably would have thought I did it.
"Bendicion, Mami." She kissed Gladys' cheek and tried to pull away, but her mom hugged her tight. "Suave, Mami." She grumbled, and her mom let go.
"Don't make too much noise on your way up; the kids are finally asleep."
I was confused, they should have been asleep for at least four hours by that point, but maybe that was just when we put them to sleep.
Gladys was definitely out of practice because mom and dad have never had that problem.
Ana waited until we were in our room on the third floor to finally protest.
"Why didn't you give me more time to prepare? We could have enjoyed the apartment for one night before we came here."
Ladies and gentlemen, witness Ana at the horny phase of her high.
When we got to the house, she'd gone to the bathroom while I put Snix's little crate in the open closet.
And when she came back out, she was alert again.
Alert and ready for action.
"Okay, enough with the little bumps of coke. I can't take it."
More surprised expressions, and I couldn't help but roll my eyes.
"But I need you; I can feel you pulling away from me, Brittany. I know you have needs."
"I have to take hormones every day to level out my needs since my surgery. Did you know that? Your needs are always going to be way stronger than mine...besides you aren't sober right now. I don't want to have sex with you when you're like this."
"Why not? I'll let you stick it wherever you want."
"You do that anyway."
I sat on the edge of the bed, ready to just put a ball gag in her mouth and tie her up just so she'd let me sleep.
At least I was only a block away from work...that was a plus.
Old Brittany would have just fucked her so she'd pass out, but I wasn't into that.
Especially not with her mother and step-father in the room directly below us.
No thanks.
Santana's POV
I just needed a hit.
I'd taken what I had on me when we got here, but it hadn't been enough.
How could Britt do this to me?
Sure, I had fucked up, but I was hurting, and she was leaving me dry.
It was the middle of the night, and she had to work early, but I didn't have my meds.
From the moment she told me we were leaving the apartment to stay at my mom's until after the trial, I noticed that little green light on my ankle turned off.
And when I looked at it in the middle of the night, I noticed that it was still that way, which meant that I was still within my time limit to move.
So, I got up, put on the first thing I could find, and went as quietly as I could down the steps.
It wasn't the first time that I had snuck out of a house, but I had underestimated the fact that Padrino lived there.
When I got to the living room, he cleared his throat from behind me.
I turned to see him in my mother's robe, looking way too alert for the middle of the night.
"Where are you going?"
"I need my meds. I didn't want to wake anyone."
"Stay there; I'll come with you."
"Pa, please, I'll be right back."
"I know you will because I'm going with you."
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I nodded as I flexed my hands, trying to control their shaking.
Even though I probably could have dashed out of the house while he put on some clothes, I knew that he'd have my back as long as I cooperated.
So I did.
I had been planning to take a cab, and he didn't put up a fight.
We sat in the cab in silence.
He had his hands folded in his lap as he stared straight ahead.
I felt like I was a kid all over again, and I didn't like it.
And while I hated his silence, I appreciated that he wasn't making this a bigger thing.
He was polite as we went into the building, and when they made him sign in (Britt's new rule), he didn't even fuss.
Padrino was the picture-perfect gentlemen, and that kind of thing always set me on high alert.
Dr. Cray was polite. Marco was polite. Mr. Evans was polite.
I did not trust polite men.
When we got inside my apartment, he put his hand on my shoulder and said just as calmly as ever, "Get what you need to get. Remember that I know all of your tricks, and I won't tolerate the bullshit."
"Okay."
"You have ten minutes." With that, he sat on the couch, set a timer on his phone, and then turned the tv on.
And all I could think was, at least he didn't hurt me.
How fucked up is that?
I had a fairly good inkling that Padrino would not be opposed to patting me down...or at least making sure that Britt did.
So I had to be smart.
He gave me ten minutes, and I did it in eight.
I got my meds and a few of the kids' favorite toys.
When he saw me, he nodded, turned off the television, and finally smiled.
"Do you have everything that you need?"
"Yes."
"Let's get going then; your wife is waiting for us downstairs."
"You called her?"
"Just a text. She was already awake, so she drove over."
"Was that your plan all along?"
He rolled his eyes and escorted me out into the elevator bank.
Britt stepped off the elevator and looked me over.
Then she took the duffel bag that I had packed and stretched out her hand.
"Ready?"
"Yeah."
"Izzy woke up looking for his Elmo. Did you grab it?"
"I did."
"Awesome."
Panic surged through my body.
I hadn't thought this through.
Fuck.
When we got back to the house, Britt tucked Elmo in Isaac's arms and then put the bag on our bed before sitting on the edge of it.
"Do I even need to search you?"
I shrugged. "Go for it." I said, chin up, eyes clear; there was nothing for her to find.
I took off my clothes and put them in a pile next to her.
She looked at it and then back at me.
"Just tell me so I can get a few more hours of sleep. I'm too tired for this shit right now, Santana."
My full name from her lips still stung.
"I got my meds. Toys for the kids, and my music notes."
"What's in the bag?"
"Oh, and just some more clothes. You forgot your favorite dance sneakers."
"Thanks."
She shoved my clothes and the bag onto the floor, before she curled back under the covers.
"Seriously, you're not going to check?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because, Santana, you're going to do what you're going to do. I need sleep, so if you're going to continue to fuck up your life, can you do it quietly and maybe don't die. Thanks."
With that, she pulled the blanket to her chin and turned her back to me.
She was giving up...and I wanted to fix it.
But I needed a hit.
Britt would understand; she'd given me permission.
It would be fine.
Guilt plagued me as I snorted everything that I took from my piano bench. Two whole lines.
Then I went back to the room and unpacked the duffel bag, and picked my clothes up off the floor.
Britt was sprawled out on her back, snoring, and I wanted her to stay that way.
It was easier if she didn't know for sure that I was high.
My face stopped throbbing, but I was thirsty.
I went to her side of the bed and gulped down water from her ever-present water bottle.
The taste of the water was sweet...from whatever fruit she'd diffused into it.
I groaned, and she let out a snort and turned to her side.
She had to be up in a half-hour, so I slipped into the bed as softly as I could and tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't.
My mind went to Nico...then Carmen...and finally Sugar.
How had I gotten wrapped up in this bullshit?
Not long ago, we'd been close, but something had shifted in that family that was spilling over into my life.
Dream Sugar came back to my thoughts; Nico was taking over New York from Dr. Cray.
I was in the way.
The association with him wasn't a good thing, and I was jeopardizing his business.
I was too high profile.
Carmen probably saw all of the shit that Nico thought he was too invincible for.
FBI agents guarded our apartment building, so he had to have been seen.
And if he went down, so did Carmen, so did I.
The only thing that would save us from all going down was me being sober.
Me being better.
But I couldn't.
Britt's hand slid across my naked stomach, and I shivered.
My hormones were active, and all I wanted was her.
Like a maniac, I moved her hand between my legs and then pressed myself against it.
I tried to do it slowly, but Britt is always more aware of things than anyone.
Her fingers moved down and pressed into me.
I turned my face to her, and she was staring back at me with a knowing look.
"How much did you take?" She asked as she pushed me closer to orgasm.
"Two. Fuck. Lines." I said and pushed her wrist so she'd go deeper.
"You're hurting me." She squeaked with tears in her eyes, so I eased up on her wrist, but she shook her head. "No, you being this way is hurting me. I don't know how much more I can take...please...I need you to want to be clean."
"I will." I groaned. She slid her fingers out and slapped down on my clit, and I flinched, "More." I begged, and she did it again. The pain was something I recognized and deserved.
"You're so greedy for the wrong things." She pressed into me again, this time with more fingers, and I leaned into her, gripping at her shoulder, my nails digging into her skin.
She hissed and bit down on my neck.
I'd awoken the beast in her as she hovered over me with anger in her eyes.
Unmedicated Britt was my favorite in bed...this was that magic hour where she was half in and half out.
"Fuck me, B...please?"
"This is the last time. I'm not doing this again, understand?"
"Yes...just please, B. Please?" Our fucking was rough after that, I grunted as she slid into me fully, wrist deep. She was splitting me open, and it was all I needed. I urged her own. "More, Deeper...don't stop...please?"
"Shut up." She snapped, and I nodded against her. I hadn't seen her this angry since she pinned me to that wall...and nearly killed me, but even that didn't stop me from gripping tighter, carving my nails into her flesh.
If I had been sober, I would have known that this was the beginning of goodbye.
But I was high and stupid.
And selfish.
Brittany's POV
"What happened to your back?" Ari asked me as I pulled off my hoodie when we finished morning rehearsal.
I rolled my eyes and continued to undress on my way to my shower.
"What do you think happened?" I grumbled, feeling exhausted.
After fucking my wife to sleep, I just gotten up, showered, giving up on sleep. When I left, I didn't even look at her, instead I left after kissing my sleeping kids.
I was early to rehearsal, but I was paying for it by lunch.
"That good, huh?"
"I wish." The shower felt good against my skin. "I bet you have had better with Gloria."
She was silent, so I poked my head out to see if she was still with me.
"We haven't. Goli is a virgin; she's waiting for marriage."
"Ha! Seriously?"
"Yup."
"But I thought you were really into sex like Santana is?"
"What did you just call her?"
"Her name."
"But you don't do that. Is something wrong?"
I rinsed off the soap and then grabbed my towel before stepping back onto the cold tile floor.
Ari was leaning against the sink, waiting for my response.
"She's slipping more and more. I don't think I have what it takes to save her anymore. I don't know how much more I can take either."
"Wow."
"I had to fuck her to sleep this morning because she was too high to fall asleep on her own, and the only reason I woke up was because she was humping my hand...it wasn't...I don't want our sexy time to be like that."
"Shit. I'm sorry to hear that. That doesn't sound like her; she's the queen of consent."
"Well, she's not herself right now."
"And you still came in? Should she be alone?"
"We moved back to the midtown house. She's with her mom."
"Oh, okay...the kids too?"
"Yeah."
My phone chimed loudly; it was Gladys' ringtone which was odd because she didn't call me during the day.
But she had my three heartbeats with her, so I rushed from the bathroom to answer it.
"Ma?"
"Brittany, it's Hector. You need to get to Mt. Sinai as soon as you can."
"What happened?"
"It's Isaac."
I moved like a zombie on speed as I got dressed. Ari took my phone from me and got the details from Hector while I ran to Frankie's office.
She was on the phone, but she saw me and ended the call.
"What?"
"Izzy. Hospital. Gotta go."
"Of course, go. Keep me updated."
Ari met me at the door of the theater.
"I'm coming with you, Britt."
"Okay."
"Should I call anyone?"
"Quinn. There's no one I trust more to explain the hard stuff to me."
"Okay."
When we got to the hospital, Hector held Dani fast asleep in his arms with tears in his eyes.
I kissed his cheek and then kissed Dani's face before inhaling deep.
"Where is he?"
Before he could answer, Gladys came from the emergency room in her pajamas, looking pale.
"Brittany, thank God. They need you to sign off...come with me."
"Where's Santana?"
"Don't worry about that right now. Isaac needs his mother."
Not once, ever had Gladys referred to me as Izzy's mother.
Usually I was just his second mom, or just Mama, but never that specific phrase.
I turned to Ari, and she nodded for me to go.
So I did.
Gone was the rage that had been sitting deep in my belly since I woke up; all I had was fear.
What if this was it?
How many times had he been to the hospital since his birth?
Every time he seemed to take longer to fight off whatever it was.
What if this was it?
And where the fuck was Santana?
Isaac looked so pale as he laid in the bed hooked up to tubes. He had scratches on his bare chest and neck. I knelt by his bedside while he laid there limply with his eyes closed.
I kissed his little hand over and over, my tears dotting his skin.
Gladys' hand was rubbing my shoulder as she mumbled her way through prayer.
Without taking my eyes off of my son, I asked again.
"Where's Santana?"
"At the house."
"Is she alone?"
"No. Celia and Sandra are with her."
"What happened?" I asked, but she was cut off by the doctor coming in.
"Are you his mother?" She asked.
"Yes."
"We had to intubate your son, it's not as common as bag-mask techniques in children his age, but his condition was emergent. He is stable now, but we'd like to perform more tests to determine the cause of this episode."
"Okay...I don't know what that means about the tube stuff, but please do whatever tests he needs. I consent to it all...as long as it doesn't make him worse."
She nodded and handed me a clipboard, but Gladys looked anxious.
I knew her deal, never sign anything that you haven't read, so I handed it to her.
"No, I trust that you're making the right decision. Go ahead and sign off."
"Thanks." I scribbled my signature, then filled in some insurance stuff before handing it back to the doctor.
Izzy's chest went up and down unnaturally, like when he was a baby and couldn't breathe on his own.
I hated that he was back in this same position three years later.
At least back then, my wife was making an effort to stay clean, and I had Ian to lean on when she wasn't.
Now...it was just me.
"She needs to be here." I said to Gladys after the doctor left.
"Well, she refused to come. I had to step in so that he wouldn't be alone."
"Why would she refuse?" I couldn't take my eyes off my son, and then it hit me. "Was she high?"
I turned to look at Gladys then, and she nodded. "That's why we brought the baby with us; there was no way we were leaving Daniela with Santana. I hate to say it, but it might be time."
"Time?"
"For you to live up to your promise to her."
"She wouldn't hurt them, Ma. I...I can't do this by myself."
"You have help. If you do it, you have my full support; I'll step in to be the mother that at times I have slacked at being, and you'll go back to the penthouse; Celia and Quinn will be there. You'll have everything that you need, I assure you."
"I'll think about it. For now, I just need to focus on Izzy."
"As you should. I'm going to take Daniela to the apartment now. Celia tells me that Quinn is on a plane."
"But she's supposed to be there for a few more days."
"Once Celia told her what happened, she insisted that she needed to come home."
I'd heard Santana say before, usually when we were fighting, that our trinity had broken off in the wrong relationship...that she should have ended up with Quinn. They were too incompatible...but maybe that's because I should have ended up with Quinn. After all, that was some super Dama level of caring.
Every time that Izzy has been sick, Quinn has hovered to ensure he's getting the right procedures and doctors. Knowing that she was on her way to be by my side in Santana's place made me breathe a little easier.
Izzy had been fine before this; a doctor's appointment the week before had confirmed that his lungs were the best that they had been in a long time. So this had to be caused by something else.
I wanted to believe that it was the house, but I had a sinking suspicion, and I was hoping to God that I was wrong.
Santana's POV
"Any news?" I asked Sandra as I made my way back into the house. From the moment that the ambulance pulled off that morning, I'd been at church praying, and then for the first time in over a month, I went to a meeting.
There's no more humbling thing than standing in a room full of recovering addicts and telling them that you've been clean for less than two hours.
But I saw no judgment there, unlike at home.
And I realized that I had missed the comfort of knowing that I wasn't the only addict and that I wasn't the only broken person.
I stepped into my living room, and there sat my wife looking up at me with a broken expression.
Next to her was Quinn, rocking my daughter to sleep.
But the kids didn't sleep until 8...what time was it?
I looked at my watch and saw that it was 8:30.
I'd been gone for hours, but no one had come to look for me...they'd let me go.
And right then, when they were looking at me, it felt like they were going to let me go even more.
My sisters were behind me as I faced my wife...did she know?
My fault.
My fault.
Fuck.
When Britt stood, I took a step back, but then I saw what was in her hands.
Elmo.
She shoved it in my hands.
"Say it." Britt growled.
"I...I didn't think it would explode...I wasn't thinking...I...is he okay?" I squeaked.
"How could you put drugs in his Elmo?"
"Is he okay?"
"You should have thought of that before you put drugs in his favorite toy." Britt was keeping her voice low, but the anger was full-blown.
"I'm sorry...I...I fucked up."
"That's all you do. I'm going to keep my promise, Santana. This is it. Say goodbye to your daughter; I can't let you hurt them again. You can throw your life away, but you will NOT put them in danger ever again."
I sunk to my knees and let out a sob.
Daniela lifted her head from Quinn's shoulder and looked at me.
"Mami?"
I looked at her and saw a reflection of my own face.
"I'm sorry." I looked up at B, "I can stop. Please, I just...I need another chance."
"You can have all the chances you want to get sober, Santana, but you won't do it near these kids. Say goodbye."
I opened my arms for Daniela, and Quinn raised an eyebrow at me when she put her on the floor.
A warning.
When Daniela was in my arms, I kissed her face over and over while she clung to me.
"All better?" She asked me, and I didn't know how to answer that.
"I will be." I finally said, and she nodded, then held my cheeks and kissed my face, then my swollen eye. I didn't deserve the sweetness, and Britt agreed.
"That's enough." Britt said before lifting Dani from the floor. "You'll stay here with your mom, and I'll go home. That ankle monitor restricts you to this block. Please don't make me get a restraining order."
I nodded, she wasn't going to turn me in and was giving me the gift of not legally getting my rights taken away, but I knew that hinged on me getting my shit together.
"And what about us?" I had the nerve to ask.
"There is no us." She said and then walked away from me, leaving me on my knees feeling like everything I loved was gone.
My fault.
My fault.
Once Britt was gone, Quinn sat on the floor in front of me and took my face in her hands, the same way Daniela had a few moments before.
Her eyes were deep green as she stared at me.
"He could have died."
"Is he okay?"
"You saved his life by giving him CPR, but in the ambulance, they had to bag him. He developed hypoxia; they have him on a respirator. If you hadn't acted, he would have died."
I nodded as the tears came.
"I'm sorry, Q. I...I was desperate."
"I know."
"And, you know I love him. I wouldn't...not after...I promised I'd never hurt him again."
"You've tried...shhh...breathe. We don't need you in the hospital too. Breathe with me." She took a deep breath, and I did too, but my chest hurt. She looked up. "Can you get her inhaler, babe? I keep one in my purse for Izzy; it'll work for her."
"I'm sorry." I whispered to Quinn, and she nodded.
"Me too."
"Is he going to be okay?"
"He's admitted and will be under observation for a few days. Then he should be able to go home."
"Home."
The front door opened behind us, and I heard the heavy footfalls of my stepfather.
"Everything okay?" He asked.
Sandra told him and Mami what happened while Quinn shoved the inhaler between my lips and made me breathe.
"I'm going to take her upstairs." Quinn said.
And then she stood and pulled me with her, but then Mami was blocking the stairs looking livid.
I bit my lip as I looked into her eyes.
"So it was true, what Brittany suspected?"
"Yes."
"Then I'm glad she is stepping up and taking them from you before someone takes them from you both. You need to see it like that. You chose her to be your helpmeet, and now you need to trust that she's going to live up to that. She had the strength do for your kids what I didn't do for you. I'm proud of her."
I usually rolled my eyes at Mami's lectures, but I let her words sink in this time.
Britt was doing what was best for all of us.
Even if it hurt like hell.
Before we were fully up the stairs, I stopped and turned, looking down at my family all huddled together, trying to figure out what came next.
"Uh...guys?" They looked up at me, and I felt the shame of their expressions, but I was also holding my best friend's hand, which had always given me strength. "I'm not going to bother with excuses. Just, please make sure Britt's okay. Please?"
"We've got Brittany's back, mi'ja, and we have yours too. Don't forget that."
"Okay."
The door to the kids' room was wide open, but the emptiness made me whimper through the pain.
Quinn pulled the door closed and followed me to her old room.
She stopped on the threshold and looked in shock.
"Uh, why wasn't it this fancy when I lived here? Wait, did they knock down the wall for access to the bathroom?"
"Yeah." I sat on Britt's side of the bed; there was a picture of our little family on the nightstand. I traced my fingers over my son's face. "I'm sorry, Papa."
"Deja vu." Quinn muttered.
I looked up at her feeling confused.
"Don't you remember when you weren't allowed to see him after you gave birth?"
"Oh yeah...I apologized to him then too. I don't want to have to do that again."
"I agree. How was your meeting?"
"It was good."
"Celia and I already talked; I think you need me more than she does at the moment. So I'm going to stay with you for a little bit."
"Are you sure?"
"We've gone to therapy; we've talked through why I did what I did. We're fine."
A little meow came from the closet, and I smiled.
"She left me Snix." I said as I picked up the cat from the floor. "One less thing for her to worry about."
"Or maybe she just wanted you to have something to cuddle."
"Maybe."
Later on, after Quinn had made me eat dinner with her and forced me into the shower, we laid in the darkness with Snix curled up between us.
"Welcome home, Q."
"Thanks, I learned a lot."
"Still want to be a doctor?"
"Surgeon, and yes."
"Good, get my money's worth, okay? Join a secret society and all that fancy shit...promise me?"
"I promise."
"I'm sorry you had to come home to this."
"God lays everything out how it needs to happen. My internship ended two days ago; I was just waiting for Ceily to finish her painting. When she gets in the zone...she's like you; nothing exists. Beth's in Lima with Puck, and my classes don't start for two more weeks, so being home would have felt like I was in her way. I'm glad to take the time I would have wasted helping you get back on track. Sue would kill me if I didn't get you back in Cheerio shape...again. So that's the plan; we'll get you in a better place so you can have your family back."
"Thanks, Q...I owe you so much."
"The only payment I want is my trinity intact and happy. For you, that means sober and becoming a superstar. Everything else is just a waste of your time."
"You still think I have what it takes?"
"Beyoncé won two Grammy's from your song. So more than just me thinks you have it. It's time you act like it. Dr. Cray thought so little of you, and you're proving him right. Don't let that asshole win. You're better than his wildest imagination."
She kissed my forehead and then closed her eyes.
I was lying there with Snix purring on my chest when my phone chimed.
All the worry came right back when I saw Britt's name flash on the screen.
I opened it and saw her face, then Daniela's.
They were sitting in our bed, staring at me.
"Mami, sing." Daniela said.
"She won't stop asking for you to sing to her." Britt said, her voice cold.
I sat up and turned on the lamp.
Daniela grinned and clapped.
I sang Songbird to her, and when she asked for more, I sang Firework because that was her favorite.
"Baby, you a fiwok!" She sang back at me, and I grinned.
"Yes, baby girl."
Quinn chuckled from next to me, and I swiveled the phone.
"Dama! Night, Night!"
I turned the phone back and looked at my sleepy baby girl in Britt's arms.
"Goodnight, Beba." I whispered, and she smiled, closed her eyes, and snuggled deeper into B.
Then I looked into my wife's eyes and felt the urge to apologize again, but I knew that she hated when people over apologized.
"He's okay. I never answered your question because I was so upset-I still am upset, but I owe you an answer."
"You don't owe me anything; I messed up."
"Gladys told me that you gave him CPR and called 9-1-1. Even high, you noticed something was wrong...it's what gave me hope that you aren't lost all the way yet."
"Yeah?"
"I don't know when I'll feel comfortable with you being near the kids again, but I can let you see them like this...as long as you're sober."
"Okay, I can do that."
"Can you?" She was genuinely asking instead of being a jerk.
"I can."
"Okay."
"Always and only you, B...I want to do this for you."
"Please don't. I don't want you doing it for them or for me; I want you to do this because YOU want it."
"Right, you're right."
"I'm going to put her to bed; I have to work early. I'll send an update on Izzy when I have one. Goodnight."
"Night...oh and B?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for leaving Snix."
"Take care of her; she'll tell me if you don't."
"I will."
"I..." She hesitated, looking at me for a moment before nodding to herself. "I love you, Santana."
My heart swelled with hope for all I could have if I could just get through this thing.
All the resources were at my disposal; Quinn was right; I couldn't let HIM win.
Not anymore.
"I love you too, Britt Britt."