Amazing (Aerosmith)
Santana's POV
"She loves me. She loves me not. She needs me. She needs me not."
I knelt on the bathroom floor and created small lines out of what was still inside of Isaac's crumpled Elmo on the floor beside me.
The tiles were cold against my bare knees, and the overhead light was harsh at 3 am, but I needed it to finish it all.
Right then, I didn't care if I lived or died; all I wanted was to stop feeling the enormity of what I had done to my son.
My kids would be better off.
Britt would be better off.
I was a waste of space; my only hope was that history would be kind to who I was as a person like it was to celebrities like Amy Winehouse.
Sure, she died of an overdose, but people still love her.
Maybe it would be the same for me.
The first line was the perfect bit of burn before the sourness hit my throat.
My eye and lip throbbed, while my bruised hip made my hunched position near torture, but I couldn't stop.
Not even when the cat began to yowl outside the bathroom door somewhere between lines two and three, which I knew would wake Quinn, did I care.
All I was right then was my next line.
I felt the darkness hovering as I went in for the last line, and then the doorknob jiggled when I snorted, leaving behind a line of blood on the toilet seat.
When my body crumpled, and the static came to my ears, I was lying on my side with my body jerking as I looked straight ahead at Elmo.
My mind returned then to Isaac and how much safer he'd be without me.
The seizure was terrifying as always, but I hoped it would lead to the quiet peace of death.
I tried to close my eyes, but they were stuck on Elmo, and then Q shoved something in my bloody nose.
And the darkness came just as my body stopped jerking.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
"Father God, please help me to help her. I can't lose her...we need her...please?" Quinn was crying while she prayed.
I opened my eyes and stared into her sad face. Her eyes were closed as she kept trying to bargain with a God that I was starting to believe in less and less.
Everything hurt like needles pricking my arms and legs, but that didn't stop me from lifting my lead arm and pressing my hand to her cheek.
"So soft." I muttered, and her eyes shot open so fast, I was sure I could hear it.
"Thank God. You can't keep doing this, San." She said, leaning in and kissing my forehead. "I thought this was finally the moment. I didn't know if the Narcan would be enough."
"Narcan?"
"Hector gave me some last night; he didn't want me to be unprepared. Thank God for your cat waking me up."
"Sorry."
"But you're not sorry." I shrugged, and she wrapped her fingers around my wrist since my fingers were still stroking her cheek, "I just need to know, if you want to die, Santana? Not that I'll help you do it, but I'd like to at least prepare myself."
"Sometimes I do." I admitted, and she nodded.
"Is this how you want to go? Dying on the bathroom floor, leaving everyone to pick up the pieces? Is this what you want your legacy to be?"
"No...I want to be clean."
"Then fucking do it...haven't you lost enough?"
"Am I going to lose you too?" Was this her limit?
"I'm here for you, to support you however I can, but I need you to meet me halfway."
"How?"
"Tell me when you feel that itch, and I will help you through it in whatever way I can."
"You've tried that. I'm not that strong, Q."
"You used to be my hero, so fearless and strong. I hate that you've lost that part of yourself."
"Me too."
"Is that all?"
"All?"
"The drugs...what's left?"
"I just...took it all, at least everything I brought with me. One for the road."
"That was stupid."
"I know, but now I won't be tempted inside the house. Knowing that there was still some in there...I couldn't sleep."
"And now?"
"I'm exhausted."
From the moment that I woke up the next day, I wanted to die.
Everything hurt, and I was thirsty as hell.
I eased out of bed, only because my bladder was a bitch that wouldn't let me sleep any longer.
Quinn wasn't in bed with me, and the room looked tidier.
The bathroom smelled like bleach as I eased down on the toilet, my head was pounding, and my skin felt tight.
As I hovered over the sink with blood-crusted nostrils and my formerly swollen eye looking purple, I knew the day was a loss.
Fuck everything; all I wanted was to sleep.
But then I got back to the room, and my mother was waiting for me, looking like she'd just gone to court.
"Hi." I said as I crawled back into bed.
Snix pounced on me and curled up above my head.
"Do you plan to get out of bed today?" She did not look like she was up for my bullshit today.
"No."
"It's afternoon, Nanita. I've spent all morning making sure your kids don't end up in the system, and you don't go to jail; the least that you can do is get up."
I pulled the blanket over my head.
"Go away."
"Do you even care about what I just said?" She asked as she yanked the blanket from me so she could see my face. I hadn't washed the blood off; her eyes got hard when she tilted my face to have a better look. "You're hungover? Is that why Quinn tore out of here first chance that she got? You're not going to stop until we all give up and you're dying on the street. Is that what you want?"
"Just say what you need to say so that I can go back to sleep."
Had I really scared Quinn away?
"They confirmed that there was cocaine in Isaac's system. Social services were called; he and Daniela were put in protective custody. Brittany had to prove that she separated the kids from you, but they weren't helpful about how she could do that, so she freaked out and called me. I had to go confirm that you have left your home and that the children won't be in your care."
"So then everything worked out?"
"Brittany was forced to file a temporary protection order against you on behalf of the kids. You won't be allowed within 500 feet of your children without supervision, and you won't even have that until you have six weeks of clean tests."
"How long does the protection order last?"
"Right now, six weeks. They'll reevaluate the case then and make adjustments. They wanted to arrest you for child endangerment, fortunately for you, and I use that term loosely; you are a star witness in a federal trial, the FBI has jurisdiction over your house arrest."
"What does that mean?"
"Your house arrest just went from being a condition of your immunity agreement for aggravated assault to a legitimate criminal house arrest. If you can prove this was just a fluke, they may drop your child endangerment and let you serve out probation. The drug tests are going to start again; they will remand you to protective custody at Rikers if you refuse or the tests come out positive."
That woke me up as I sat there, letting it all soak in.
The noose was getting tighter, and it was my fault.
"And custody?" I knew the answer, but I had to ask.
"Emergency full legal and physical custody was granted to Brittany this morning."
"How can I fix all this? I want my family back."
"You need to be sober, and you'll need to take parenting classes."
"Okay, done...anything else?"
"Yes, with this relapse and footage of Nico being in and around your building, the FBI is now investigating you and your businesses. Your accounts have been frozen indefinitely."
"Fuck. So what will I do for money?"
"I'll be supporting you until you can get a job; you'll stay here and jump through every hoop that is required."
"Oh, great. So you get a second chance at being mom, don't fuck it up." I snapped, and Mami flinched.
"I don't like this any more than you do. Your actions are a stain on your father's legacy and this family. Isaac is in the ICU with a collapsed lung because of your actions."
"He what?" The tears were instant as the guilt struck me right in the chest.
"It happened in the middle of the night. Brittany called you, but you didn't answer. She is also having him moved to a different hospital closer to TriBeCa."
"Wow."
"So, I need you to get up and start being the person that deserves to be in your kids' lives. Don't be like Aden and me. Be better."
She gave me a stern look and then headed for the door but then stopped short.
"Brittany informed me that you had sexual relations with Nico...was there penetration? Do we need to be on the lookout for a pregnancy?"
"I...I don't know."
"What part don't you know?"
"If I could be pregnant or not...he was behind me, I didn't see if he was wearing anything or not."
"Okay, well, we will just keep an eye on that. Wash your face and get dressed; come downstairs when you're done; you have a life to rebuild."
"Thanks, Mami. I know this is the last thing you want, but...I am grateful that you have my back."
She gave me a nod and then left me alone with the weight of all the bombs that she'd dropped on me.
When I finally got down to the first floor, I was met with a familiar face, Officer Coleman.
"Um...hi? The old rehab does house calls now?"
She stood up and waited for me to come to join her at the table.
I sat down and saw a familiar clear cup; when Mami said drug tests, I didn't think it would be so soon.
"Actually, given the sensitivity of your pending cases, it was decided that it would be best if your case manager was someone you were comfortable with. If that's not me, let me know, and we can have someone else assigned to you."
"So you're like my probation officer?"
"Well, you're not on probation yet. So I am just your case manager. I'll be the one to sign off on your movements and eventual employment. Once you've completed the requirements, I will hopefully be the one to sign off on your regaining custody. Right now, we work on step 1. I need you to submit a sample and be fully transparent about your usage and possible criminal actions. Of course, that's predicated on you consenting to me being your case manager."
I felt nauseous; how had things gotten this bad so fast?
"I'd rather it be you than anyone else."
"Okay, then let's get started." She slid the cup across the table to me. "Same as rehab; I'll be witnessing your sample."
"Right. Okay, follow me, I guess." I sighed as I led her into the guest bathroom.
Mami had converted the guest room to her office, so we had to pass her as she typed away on her computer.
When I showed her the cup, she gave me a nod and then smiled at Officer Coleman. "Let me know if you need anything, Jessica."
Officer Coleman smiled at her. "I've got it handled, Gladys. Thanks for letting us interrupt."
"Are you two done being besties? Can I pee now?" I snapped.
"You get one freebie since it's been recorded that you've used recently."
"Good because I'm still coming down." I grumbled before pulling down my shorts and reaching for the cup.
Not only was Officer Coleman watching me, but Mami hovered just behind her, watching with that stern expression that made me feel violent.
The results were a shock to none of us.
Officer Coleman recorded the results, and then after we both washed our hands, I followed her back to the dining room, and Mami joined us.
Fun times.
I expected Officer Coleman to leave after the humiliating bathroom situation, but, no, once we were out of the bathroom, she went to the living room and waited for me.
"Was there something else?"
"Yes. I need you to put your foot up on this chair and lift your pant leg for me."
"Oh, are you taking that piece of shit off me?"
"Yes."
"Finally!"
But of course, she played me as she pulled a new ankle monitor out of her suitcase; this one had a white monitor on it.
"You'll be wearing this one for the next six weeks, after which your case will be reviewed and evaluated. It is waterproof, has a blood alcohol tracker and GPS. You have permission to be outside, you are limited to this block, and this side of the street between 8 am and 8 pm. If you leave your designated area or violate curfew, it will vibrate, and a unit will be sent to your location. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Good. You will put an app on your phone where you will be able to check-in. You're expected to check-in when you leave the house during the day and at 8 pm regardless of what you're doing. If you do not check in, a unit will be sent to your location. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Good, this monitor needs to be charged once a day and cannot be removed from your person. If you allow the monitor to die from lack of charging, a unit will be sent to your location. Do you understand?"
"Fuck, yes...anything else?"
She reached back into her bag and pulled out a white bandage-looking thing.
"This is a sweat patch; it will be placed on your skin and is waterproof; it monitors your drug usage through your sweat. If it is altered, I will know. I will be doing random check-ins to ensure that you're holding up your end of the deal. Which is great news for you because you won't have to provide a urine sample as often."
"Oh, yay."
"It can sit on your hip or your upper arm; I'll let you decide. If the patch comes back dirty, you will be sent straight to Rikers, understood?"
"Wow...so, like this is a big deal now...isn't it?" I dropped my attitude as Officer Coleman looked into my face with none of her old friendliness.
"Absolutely. The state of New York takes child endangerment seriously. You have a history of endangering Isaac from birth; that's being considered as well. So you need to be a model prisoner, Santana. I will do what I can to help you; however, I can if you work with me. Deal?"
"Deal."
I fought tears when Mami came over to me and took my hand in hers. Seeing the shame and disappointment in her eyes hurt me as the new monitor was strapped to my ankle. For the first time in all of this, it actually hit me that my fucking up affected more than just my wife and kids. Everyone around me was getting pulled into my vortex.
I had to do better.
"Good. Where do you want the patch?"
I stood up and felt the weight of the new monitor; it felt like it was double the size of the last one. I lowered the hem of my pants on the side that didn't have Carmen's bootprint on it. This whole situation was fucked up, but I had brought it on myself. My fault. She took her time placing the patch on my hip, smoothing it down before I pulled my pants back up.
"This seems like overkill. It looks like I have a big ass wound."
"Frankly, Santana, I want you to be uncomfortable because you've been too comfortable in this addiction. People have coddled you, including Dr. Clover. I won't be coddling you; you're an adult, and I plan to treat you like one. This is not like rehab; there is no excuse for you not to be where you need to be when you need to be there. You are required to go to NA meetings, take drug counseling and parenting classes; all those services are provided at the church down the block. I have a schedule that I want you to adhere to in this first week, we'll see how it works for you, and we can adjust it if need be. "
I fixed my pants and sat back down at the table, feeling like a little kid in the principal's office.
She took my phone and put the app on it, then she slid her tablet in front of me.
"You'll need to sign this agreement that you have been informed of all the guidelines to your house arrest. Once you sign, the clock begins on your six weeks of house arrest."
I felt like I was signing my life away, but maybe that was what I needed.
Britt said there was no us...but I had hope that meant there is no us as I was at that moment. We made vows that I had broken, but I was hoping that she'd still stick by me.
I just needed to do what was asked of me and stay clean.
My last hurrah the night before had to be my last.
Six weeks from that moment, I wanted to be back with my wife and kids, preparing for a big move to L.A.
I wanted to get out of New York to start a new life with my little family, but first, I had to stop tearing everything apart.
When Officer Coleman left, she had given me a schedule that Mami was examining while nodding to herself like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
"Why do you look so smug about that?" I asked her as I made my way to the kitchen.
She followed behind me, acting as my shadow as I made myself a PB & J.
"Would you mind, mi'ja, if I took these parenting classes with you? I think I have some things to learn."
"You're kidding. I'm 21, Mami." I grinned at her, and she shrugged.
"Between you and Brittany, I've come to understand that I didn't do enough for you; I plan to be alive for a long time. I will be your mother for the rest of my life, and I am amenable to change."
"That would be cool, Mami. Maybe I can rope Q into coming too."
"I'm already take parenting classes, but thanks for thinking of me." Q said as she closed the garage door. "It's a condition of my adopting Beth."
"How can you adopt your own child?" I asked, and she rolled her eyes.
"That's what I said, but legally Shelby is her mother, so if I want to be her mom, I have to adopt her from Shelby."
"That's warped, Q." I said as I began cutting my sandwich into four pieces...which made me stop in my tracks. I stared down at the sandwich and cursed.
"What's wrong?" Q asked as she slid into the booth across from Mami.
"This is Isaac's favorite sandwich; he likes it cut into four pieces because it's just right. I can't believe I hurt him again. How shitty am I to be bitching about house arrest when he's fighting for his life because of me...again."
"It's good that you're letting yourself feel this, San. I don't ever want to walk into you overdosing again."
Mami didn't look surprised by this news, so I knew that Quinn must've told her.
The cuckoo clock that Britt had bought at a sidewalk sale after we first moved in chimed on the wall.
It was 4:00, time for Britt to pick up Daniela from school.
Regret filled me. After Sugar died, I pulled away from Britt and the kids, choosing to spend my time in bed.
I'd missed so many pickups that Britt had started rushing home to pick up the kids.
Now that I couldn't leave the block and couldn't see my kids at all. I longed to be picking up my daughter from school, but that wouldn't be happening any time soon.
I didn't realize how easy Britt had made things for me while I threw my days away.
All I had to do was be sober and take care of our home, but I had been selfish and would need to earn a place in my own little family.
The weight of all that I had done was now resting firmly on my shoulders.
Mami left me with Quinn while she went back to her office to finish working, and I could tell from the look on her face that she had news that she wasn't about to say in front of Mami.
"So, I just came from picking up Dani and taking her to Britt; she sent your keyboard and the song notes over. She wanted me to see if you were still interested in finishing that song for the show; if so, they need it by next week."
"Well, yeah. I don't have money now, so I'll take what I can get. I'm almost finished with it."
I picked at my sandwich while she went out to the car to grab my keyboard.
When she returned, she put the carrying case on the floor and sat back down, her hands folded on the table.
"There's more to tell you, but I would prefer if we talked in your room."
"Sure, I'm done with this sandwich anyway."
Q picked up my keyboard again, and I followed her up to the third floor, leaving my sandwich behind.
Once we were in the room, I took the bag from her and pulled out my stand and the keyboard.
"So, Isaac got moved today; I met Britt at the hospital during her lunch break. He had surgery to repair his lung; now he's in recovery."
"Any issues?"
"No, he was a trooper. What I wanted to tell you is that Carmen showed up at the apartment last night, and instead of sending her away, Britt invited her up to the apartment."
"What? Why?" I was so thrown because I couldn't remember a time that Carmen and Britt had ever really talked on their own.
"She wanted to make sure you got the message about staying away from Nico because apparently, he left and stopped answering his phone. She thought he'd gone to see you, but Britt assured her that you hadn't."
"Good."
"He's a ghost, she hasn't heard from him, and apparently the FBI showed up at the house...so she is taking their son and going ghost too."
"Shit, that's not good. The more suspect they are, the worse it looks for me in dealing with them. I guess that's why the FBI is looking into my shit too."
"Yeah, so I guess I just wanted you to know that shit is getting serious for everyone. You could do real-time and may never see the kids again if you don't get your shit together."
"That's the plan."
I turned from her to plug in my keyboard, and then Snix was meowing, so I stopped to feed her before heading to the hall to clean the litter box.
With everything she was telling me, all I wanted was to be high because I hated how my mind was running in circles, and then I paused as an idea came to me.
"You said you'd do anything to help me...right?"
"Yeah."
"Well, I think I figured out what you can do to make that happen."
"Okay, name it."
"I need you to figure out whatever it was Dr. Cray gave me to make this addiction so hard to kick. I need a cure, Q. I know he said it attaches to my DNA, and that shit's forever, but there has to be some kind of fix...I can't lose B and the kids because of an addiction that I can't control. Please?" Then I pulled down my waistband and showed her the patch. "See, I can't even get high anymore. This thing will tell them if I get high and then I'll go straight to prison; I don't want to be stuck in this cycle...and I am way too pretty for prison. Is that something that you think you can do?"
"I think so."
"Good. If you can figure that out, then I can get my shit together and leave this place for good."
"You're serious?"
"As a heart attack."
Brittany's POV
A week.
That's how long it's been since I've reached out to Santana to let her speak to Dani. She's called through Quinn or her mom, but I didn't answer.
Because of his collapsed lung, they'd put Izzy in an induced coma to make sure his lung healed properly, so he looked dead.
It broke me to see him lying there without his glasses and smile; he should have been enjoying his summer, not dealing with the consequences of his Mami's addiction again. It was so unfair.
All I could do was be positive for him, so there was no making anyone feel better about this.
I told myself that until Izzy woke up, there were no updates that anyone needed. All of my energy went into making sure my son was okay and that Dani wasn't affected by it.
She missed him and asked for him and Santana every day; it left me feeling so stuck.
I was going to keep doing what needed to be done for my kids, and if that meant keeping some people out of the loop, then so be it.
Even with Quinn, I had to put my foot down; I swore to her that if she passed information back to anyone, that she wouldn't get to see them either.
That first night, I was willing to let Santana see Dani over the phone, but then I got that phone call from the daycare letting me know that social services were there for my daughter, and my compassion disappeared.
I had no idea where Dani was for two hours, just that she was being put in protective custody until I spoke to a judge.
So once again, I had to miss work to deal with some bullshit because Santana couldn't keep her fucking nose clean.
Gladys thankfully didn't make things worse; if anything, she moved as many mountains as possible to ensure my kids stayed with me. It's the only reason that I didn't cut her off.
They weren't even letting me see my son, even though his lung had collapsed during the night and he needed surgery.
I had just dropped off Dani and was headed to go see him when I got the call.
It wasn't until I met Gladys at the courthouse that I found out I was barred from Izzy too.
With every additional thing, I got angrier at Santana.
But I hated being angry at her.
She was supposed to be my best friend, my support, and my person, but instead, she made every day harder than the one that came before.
It wasn't fair.
So the moment I got that order put in place and was told that the kids couldn't return to that house, I extended that to Hector because he had taken her to the apartment and didn't watch her.
If he had just done that one simple thing, we wouldn't be in this mess, but he didn't.
You can't trust a junkie, that's what everyone, including Hector, has said to me, but when it counted the most, he'd trusted her.
So for me, this was his fucking fault too, and I knew deep down it was also mine because I should have checked everything she'd brought home, but I tried to not think about that because I had trusted her too.
But as angry as I was at myself, there wasn't anything I could do but focus my energy on being the best Mama in the galaxy.
Only Celia and Quinn were allowed to visit the new hospital.
Not even Sandra was allowed because she was on my shit list too.
She'd started this by dropping whatever bomb she had on Santana and forcing her to carry that fucking weight on top of everything else she had to carry.
The list of people I wanted to cut out of my life was getting longer by the day.
And I didn't have any regrets.
I just felt it all building for a whole week.
But then, as I got to work after going to go see Izzy, that all changed.
Seeing my son in the mornings meant that I was getting to work three hours after everyone else.
I wanted to sneak straight to my office, but Frankie saw me and jumped down from the stage after halting rehearsal.
At least she had a smile on her face, and then she wrapped me in a bear hug.
"Too tight." I gasped, and she gave me one more squeeze before letting me go.
"Sorry, I just got excited, and I needed to thank you!"
"For what?"
"Wait, you don't know?"
"Know what?"
"Oh, you're going to love this...Tony has been going crazy all morning...go get changed and meet on stage. I want to talk it through with you two and the leads. Breaking rehearsal for an hour." She slapped my ass before running back to the stage to break rehearsal.
I tossed my bag on my couch, then changed into my dancing sneakers and put my hair in a top knot before heading to the stage.
Tony and Frankie were talking excitedly to Ari, Tucker, Yariv, and Grady.
"Okay, what's this big news?" I asked as I began to stretch.
The room went silent, and then I looked up, and Frankie was hitting play on her phone.
From the wireless speaker came this crazy fast piano melody that sounded close to buzzing bees.
Then I heard that unmistakable rasp.
"I know I get weak, but in you, I find I'm strong/ Even when what you see is all that I've done wrong/You see in me the beauty long gone, you help me see there's hope to go on/ For me it's always and only been you, but I've broken that promise, and there's not much I can do but make it up to you."
Then the drums...my drums.
I stood there with my mouth hanging open as my wife belted out this amazing number that sounded so worthy of an opening number.
She'd remixed the sound of my drums for a big build-up, and then I heard Quinn's voice in the back...and was that Mercedes?
When the music stopped, I could feel the emotions filling me up to exploding.
I was openly crying in front of other people when I was supposed to be bubbly.
"Play it again." I said, and Frankie, who looked close to tears too, played it again.
I began to dance to the sound of my wife's voice.
The song was about finding strength in the support of someone loving you through it all.
It felt like an apology bigger than she could have ever said to my face.
She'd finished the song in one week.
Despite my lack of updates and phone calls, she kept working on what I'd asked for.
Her voice sounded crisp and focused like it used to.
And it made me want to run straight to her.
But then I thought of Elmo, and I knew it would take a lot more than a song for me to forgive her.
Izzy would wake up in the morning, which made me want to make her a part of that, but I was still unsure.
She'd done this amazing thing that showed she wasn't selfish, and that meant something to me, but it still hurt so badly.
This could only be the beginning of her redemption.
I knew better than just forgiving her like I used to, but I could acknowledge that it was a start.
We spent the rest of the day working on a new dance routine, which reminded me of what I loved so much about dancing.
After we dismissed rehearsal, Frankie called me into her office with a nervous look on her face.
When I stepped inside, August was there too.
"Did something happen? Am I in trouble?"
"Have a seat, Britt." Frankie was trying to keep her face blank, but I could see it in her eyes.
"I can't sit. My anxiety is through the roof. Just tell me."
"We'd like to counter-offer what UCLA is looking to pay you." August slid a piece of paper across the desk.
When I signed my contract for the show, they'd offered me 40k a year. It was more money than I had ever seen, so I jumped on it.
But then I made all the dances, and we were just constantly rehearsing the same old dances.
It was soul-crushing.
So when UCLA offered me a junior teaching position for 55k and the option to complete my degree for free...I was tempted to go for it.
They promised me that no two days would be the same, which I was definitely interested in.
Choreographing for Broadway looked amazing on my resume, but it definitely wasn't something I could do forever.
I needed excitement that wasn't also depressing.
So when I picked up the paper, and it said 65k, I knew that no amount of money could make me stay.
"All of this money, for what?"
"Well, once this show opens, we'd like you to take over as the head choreographer."
"That's really just getting rid of Tony and putting everything on me, though."
"You could do whatever you wanted with the dance company, Britt. If you felt like it, you could make different choreography for all the numbers and switch it up weekly, so the dancing doesn't get stale." Frankie said, looking hopeful.
"Can I think about this and get back to you?"
"Sure, sleep on it and let us know as soon as you can." August said.
The idea of being diverse in the dance moves did sound super cool, but I still wasn't sure it was what I wanted.
So, I called the daycare and told them I'd be a little late before walking the two blocks towards someone who could help me get my head together.
I was just praying that she was the sober love of my life and not the junkie zombie she'd become.
Even after everything, it was still Santana's opinion that mattered the most.
Santana's POV
It felt like I was in fucking boot camp, but I was grateful for the work that Padrino had given me and the chores that Mami gave me.
All morning long, for the past week, I'd been doing odd jobs around the house with Pa, with all the anxious energy coursing through me.
Then Mami and I went to the afternoon parenting class before coming home to play my keyboard and write until the alarm for my meeting went off.
When I got back, she'd go back to work, and I would clean or cook dinner.
By the time the days were done, I was exhausted and starving.
I missed my kids, my wife, and my freedom.
But the cravings weren't as strong.
I was scrubbing the kitchen floor by hand after a really intense meeting, where I spilled my guts about Elmo when there was a knock on the front door.
Officer Coleman had already popped in twice that week, and I felt instantly annoyed that it might be her again.
Trying to get clean was hard enough without having someone hawking my every move.
But when I opened the door and saw B standing there, with a scrunched-up face, I longed for it to be Officer Coleman.
My mind went immediately to Isaac, had it happened?
Had I killed him?
"Can I come in?" She asked, and I stepped back and opened the door.
Mami was working in her office on a call, Quinn was with Celia, and Pa was out picking up dinner, so there wasn't a buffer for us.
Britt looked around and then pointed upstairs...which made me nervous.
Would her being there get me in trouble?
Should I tell Mami?
"Are you allowed to be near me, B?"
"The protection order is for the kids, not me."
God, I hoped she was right.
I began to climb the steps with my wife hot on my heels while my heart churned in my stomach.
She wouldn't wait to tell me if something happened to Isaac, would she?
Once we were in my room, surrounded by the mess of my music notes and the textbooks on parenting and drug abuse, I felt exposed.
But other than picking up Snix from my pillow to snuggle her, Britt didn't seem to notice.
"Is Isaac okay?" I asked as I hugged myself for comfort, wishing that it was Britt's arms around me.
"I didn't come here to talk about Izzy." Her voice was sharp, and it made me flinch. I tried to smile because I didn't want to piss her off, but she'd noticed my flinch and rolled her eyes.
"Then what's this about?"
"I need your advice about work."
"Oh, okay." I finally allowed myself to sit down and breathe. If this was about her job, then Isaac must be okay.
I listened to her ramble on about her job and the offer they had made her like it was the most interesting thing in the world.
While she talked, I watched her confidence shine through; she was talking like a boss, and it was fucking attractive.
Gone was the sweet, naïve girl that I had fallen in love with. She reminded me so much of who I used to be, and it made me long for boss bitch Santana.
If I could get my shit together, we could be a power couple.
A true OTP because with this version of Brittany, I could conquer the world.
"So, what do you think?" She asked me, her eyes no longer staring down at Snix but directly into my eyes.
"I think that you should take the offer from August and leverage it with UCLA to get more money if that's what you want, but I know it's not... this is really about you being bored and needing adventure. I think that LA will be perfect for your free spirit, B. If they're willing to give you this money now, think how valuable you'll be to them after finishing your degree and having more experience under your belt. You'll be unstoppable."
"You think so?" She seemed like her silly self for a split second, and I smiled at her.
"I know so. You can do anything that you put your mind to, Britt Britt. I believe in you."
She put the cat down, and for the first time in way too long, she threw herself at me, swallowing me in a hug.
I didn't complain for a second; I just inhaled the sweaty/sweet scent of her and let her touch refill me.
"Thanks, baby." She said before kissing my forehead and pulling away. "I believe in you too. That song inspired me...it was beautiful."
Heat filled my cheeks; she'd loved the song.
I had called in favors with Mercedes and Quinn to be my choir; I had spent nights playing instead of focusing on the hunger for coke that was constantly gnawing at me.
"I'm going to do the work, B. I want to be worthy of your belief in me."
And that must have been the right thing to say because she finally updated me.
She sat on the edge of the bed, just out of my reach, and continued to cuddle Snix.
"Izzy has been in a coma all week so that his lung would heal up after surgery. They will start the process of waking him up tonight, then he'll need more tests to see how he's doing. It's been really hard seeing him like that, but I'm sure the way you found him was worse." She pulled out her phone and showed me a picture of my son attached to wires and tubes. His hair looked dull, and he was way too pale. Seeing him lying there like that reminded me of Ian in his casket, and while I wanted to fight the tears, I let them come. Britt scrolled so I could see Daniela playing her bongo. Even though it had only been a week, she looked so much bigger.
I missed them.
My fault.
My craving to hold them in my arms was stronger than any other craving, and I hoped to God it would last.
"I hate missing out on things, but I think...I think I needed this wake-up call."
"Yeah...well, good for you, but the kids shouldn't have to suffer so you can have an awakening every time you fuck up." She put her phone away and stood up, looking angry all over again.
"I know."
"Thanks for the song and the advice. I'm going go...but keep it moving though, it looks like you're on the right track."
"B...can I...have another hug...please?" I hated that I was basically begging for scraps but fuck it.
She sighed and opened her arms to me, and I gladly stepped into them, grateful that she was giving me that much.
Britt left me feeling both elated and drained; I didn't bother going back down to finish the kitchen floor. There just wasn't anything left for me to give, so I stripped off my clothes and pulled out Britt's Julliard shirt over my head. The tears kept coming, and I was grateful that I had already gone to a meeting, and no one would be expecting me anywhere. I grabbed the Elmo that was stuffed under my pillow and crawled into bed.
I pressed Elmo to my nose and inhaled the scent of the fabric softener that Quinn had used when she washed it.
When I couldn't get the scent of my son from it, I began to sob so hard that my body shook.
"I'm sorry, Papa, I'm so sorry."
Snix meowed and then pounced on me; when she saw my distress, she curled up next to me and put her paw on my hand.
Which only made me cry harder.
My body shook from the need to get numb, but I didn't move from that bed.
Even though there was nothing to use because Mami was holding all of my meds. I still felt like the safest place for me was in that bed.
I fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming of better times with my babies.
I sunk deep into my dreams until my ankle started buzzing, scaring me out of my sleep.
If it was buzzing, I had missed a check-in.
Heavy footsteps were coming down the hall, and then the door swung open.
Mami stood there with Officer Coleman behind her.
I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes.
"Fuck, I'm sorry...I-I just woke up."
Officer Coleman stepped into the room and pointed to my hip.
I lifted my shirt so she could see the patch.
With gloves on, she pulled it off on my skin; I looked away from her as more tears came.
My body was shaking from the humiliation of it all.
"Nanita, I have been calling you and knocking on the door; you didn't respond."
"Sorry." I muttered, still looking away from them both.
"She's been clean this week, but I'll need a urine sample since this may not have captured anything in the last 12 hours."
I groaned when she handed me a cup but did as I was asked without complaint because I knew this was just me being sad and nothing more.
And of course, that came back clean too.
"You need to set an alarm for check-ins, Santana. Luckily I was in the neighborhood. You were still for three hours in the middle of the evening, and I was going to check on you anyway. Are you feeling sick?"
Of course, I was, but I had been trying to sweat it out by cleaning and working hard.
That was the truth of it.
"A little." I said, "The cravings are the same, but I'm trying to just push through, but I've been feeling like shit." and Officer Coleman looked to Mami.
"Your health is paramount to your recovery. I suggest scheduling a well exam and an in-office visit to your therapist. Let me know the semantics, and I'll approve your movements for that time period. You will need a court-approved person to accompany you."
"I'll make sure she gets an appointment, and I'll go with her, thank you, Jessica."
"You're welcome. I'll put a new patch on you and then get out of your hair."
I stood there with nothing on but Britt's shirt and waited for the new patch.
Mami was staring into my eyes, looking for signs that I was hiding something, but there wasn't much for her to find.
There was nothing to hide anymore. My life, body, and happiness were not my own.
I had spent my teen years being prideful, vain, and selfish, not giving a shit who I hurt in the process. The time had finally come for me to get my comeuppance, and I just needed to accept that.
Once I submitted myself to the consequences of all my actions, I knew that I'd be able to move forward.
Like I told Quinn, once you reach your bottom, there are two options: death or healing, and I finally chose to heal.