Disclaimer: Hey! The-Crab here with your disclaimer. Maelstrom(1) nor I own Transformers. It's the same, crazy kinda fic like Past: What REALLY Happened, so that's the kinda stuff you should expect. Don't sue us, we're friendly guys! And Happy Holidays to all!
We come in as the brave, selfless Autobot commander, Optimus Prime, is monitoring Decepticon activity...
Prime: *sitting on the couch, watching a Christmas episode of Fat Albert*
*on the TV*
Fat Albert: Hey hey hey, whats goin' on, Rudy?
Rudy: man, Fat Albert, what are you doin' on this side o' the hood?
Fat Albert: you somethin', Rudy, you like schoo in summer time
Rudy: schoo in summer time?
Fat Albert: yeah, bitch, schoo in summer time open your f*beep*in' ears n' sh*beep* or I'll pop your bitch ass!
*in the Autobot base*
Prime: the hell is 'schoo'? And whats this 'Christmas' I've been hearing about?
Red Alert: I do believe its a certain day in the human year in which they celebrate the birth of this 'Jesus Christ'
character.
Prime: hmmm... *taps his chin* this Christ guy must've been really famous... I MUST know how he did it! *slams his fist into his other palm* I must know how he became famous so people will celebrate MY birth! Get Jetfire, tell him I need to put my pants on!
Red Alert: Jetfire assumed you would come up with a stupid and moronic plot, so he asked me to give you this *hands Prime a note*
Prime: *punches Red Alert in the face, takes the note and reads it*
Note: Dear Optimus, if you are reading this then that means I have left. Your stupid and moronic plots have pushed me over the edge, so I have ran away, and I'm never coming back. You suck. Love, Jetfire
Prime: *punches the note* damn you, Jetfire!
Five minutes later...
Prime: *has all of his soldiers lined up in a row* gentlemen, it has come to my attention that the traitor, Dinobot- *is kicked by Sparkplug* I mean Jetfire, has betrayed us. He no longer wishes to be my pants. *sniffs* its such a shame, really, he enjoyed it so much
Jetfire: *from several hundred miles away* HAH
Prime: anyways, the time has come for me to find a new replacement pair of pants, and one of you lucky soldiers will be them!
Hot Shot: *sighs* this is gonna be sooooo boring
Prime: *slaps Hot Shot and enters drill sergeant mode* DO YOU WISH TO BE MY PANTS, SOLDIER?!
Hot Shot: SIR NO SIR.... I mean...SIR YES SIR
Prime: good, then you get to be tried on first
Scavenger: *snickers with Smokescreen*
Prime: *leaps in the air* Jet Optimus, transform! powerlink! combine! fusion-HA! Lego my Ego! *continues shouting off phrases while suspended in mid-air*......................... *still suspended in mid air*...umm....Hot Shot, powerlink!
Hot Shot: oh right, right, powerlink...uhh... Hot Shot, powerlink! *insert Energon Hot Shot (Demolishor with yellow shoulder pads) transforming into a pair of pants*
*the two combine, and 'Jet Optimus' has tiny legs*
Optimus: I am Jet Optimus! the most powerful transformer ever! With my new powers, I will- woah...WOAH! *falls over due to small legs* GODDAMIT HOT SHOT! *stands up and begins to kicks his legs. When that doesent work, he hits himself below the belt, causing him to keel over in pain*
Red Alert: umm... Optimus, how does this help us find out what 'Christmas' is?
Optimus: *now un-powerlinked with an Armada Hot Shot, who is holding his privates* well, can you do research on it?
Red Alert: no, the computer is conveniently dismantled for reasons I dont need to explia- *is punched by Optimus*
Prime: dammit! It looks like I'll have to....have to.... *optics narrow as the camera zooms in close to his optics* have the kids help
2 hours later...
Prime: *looks at the base, which has Christmas decorations all over it*...urge to kill...rising...
Red: I think its pretty- *is knocked out by Prime*
Prime: so *optic twitches* Rad...whats the *twitch* point of covering this tree with shiny accessories?
Rad: well, Optimus, the Christmas tree is the main decoration of this time of year. I dont really know why people do it, but its fun, and *Prime begins shaking uncontrollably* its just fun to look at with all the lights off, sipping on hot
coco, and being with those you care about most
Prime: *still shaking*...GAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! *grabs Grindor and crushes him in his fist, and throws him up against the wall*
Five minutes later, at the Autobot camp of Holiday Cheer
Prime: FOR PRIMUS' SAKE!!!! NOT killing them is like trying to lose against a Decepticon, its just impossible!
Alexis: say Optimus, have you ever sang any Christmas carols?
Prime:...Alexis, I'm going to try to make this as clear as I possibly can....NO
Alexis: well thats a shame, here's one of my favorite songs *sits down at a piano which was conveniently placed there, she starts playing Jingle Bells on it* c'mon Optimus, sing along!
Prime:...very well *sings to the tune* jingle bells, this is hell, you're all really gay. I dont deny, I will try, to let
you live this holiday, hey!
Alexis: good job!
Prime:.....*optic twitches* dear Primus, how can things get any worse
Carlos: *walks in with a Santa hat on* hola! I have made me favorite dish, Christmas tacos!
Prime:...... GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! *grabs Sureshock and crushes him in his fist, and throws him against the wall*
Two hours later, at Santa's Death Fortress
Rad: now its time for the Christmas specials
Prime: FINALLY! *plops down on the couch*
Kids: *sit down around Optimus, and turn on Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown*
Prime:....the hell is this? I wanna see Three's Company!
Rad: they turned off all the other normal TV shows and are showing nothing but Christmas specials like this, isnt it awesome?
Prime:....... GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! *grabs High Wire, crushes him in his hand, and throws him into the growing pile of crushed Minicons by the wall, who have occasional sparks and twitches*
Rad: oh! I cant wait for Santa Clause to bring us presents!
Prime: Satan who?
Rad: Santa Clause, he brings presents to everyone who's good!
Prime: *mutters* then I should get a limitless amount of presents, with the amount of killing you I've done
Rad: what was that Optimus?
Prime: oh, uh nothing... hehe, I must meet this Satan Gnaws and get my presents...maybe he can tell me how Jesus Christ became so popular... *cackles*
That night, at the romantic getaway at Aspen
Optimus: *sitting on the couch, blaster in hand, waiting for Santa to come down the fireplace*...since when did we have a piano, fireplace, and other non-Cybertronian things in here?
Santa: *comes down the fireplace*
Prime: excellent...right on time
Red Alert: *sitting next to Prime* how could he be right on time, you dont know when he'll sho- *is knocked out by Prime*
Santa: *pulls his bag of gifts through the chimney*
Prime: greetings, Gnaws...I've been expecting you *shines his gun*
Santa: who's 'Gnaws'? ho ho ho
Prime:....you callin' me a ho?!
Santa: no, Optimus Prime, thats how I laugh, ho ho ho
Prime:...you know who I am?
Santa: of course I do, and you've been very naughty, killing the same kids over and over again, shame on you! ho ho ho
Prime: its not my fault! their stupidity warped my mind!
Santa:...hmm....you have a point, ho ho ho... but i cant undo it, for i used permanent ink on the list, so you must be
punished! ho ho ho
Prime: not on my watch, you red-dressed fizzle! *fires on Santa*
Santa: *Matrix dodges* you cannot beat Santa Clause! ho ho ho *Matrix kicks Prime in the chin*
Prime: *stumbles back* ack, when did this go Matrix?! *fires on Santa again*
Santa: *dodges the blasts again, and pulls out a rocket launcher from the bag* you have been very naughty, ho ho ho! *fires on Prime*
Prime: crap wizzle! *dodges the rocket just in time for it to hit a sleep walking Rad*.... good shot, Santa
Santa: I try, ho ho ho
Prime: *looks at everything, which is all on fire*...now THIS is pretty *sits down on a flaming couch, with Red Alert still knocked out on the ground, and turns on the TV to find Three's Company on*
Santa: ooh, Three's Company, ho ho ho *sits next to Prime on the couch while the base burns down*
The next day, Christmas morning
Jetfire: *comes back with three sexy, naked ladies hanging off of him, and sunglasses on* hey Prime, whats goin' on? just thought I'd drop by and check on- *is grabbed by Prime*
Prime: Jetifre....pants.....now! *shoves Jetfire back and leaps into the air* Jet Optimus, transform! powerlink! combine! fusion-HA! Lego my Ego!
Jetfire:...now how the hell did I know that was gonna happen. He could at least get the name right and call us Jet Convoy *sighs* call me, girls *drops them and changes into Prime's pants*
Prime: Ahhh, a snug fit
Jetfire: *shudders heavily*
Meanwhile, at the Dangerous, Damp, Death Defying Decepticon Base
Megatron: *sitting by the tree* and here's your gift, Tidal Wave
Tidal Wave: *rips off the wrapping* YAY! Barbie's Dream House! Thank you Megatron!
Cyclonus: here, Demolishor, Merry Christmas *hands him a box*
Demolishor: *opens it up to find a Demolishor costume* wow! Thanks Cyclonus! I've always wanted one!
Starscream: *hands Wheeljack a frost-covered box* Merry Christmas
Wheeljack: ....this ain't how I remember Christmas... *opens it up* ICE CREAM!
THE END