A/N: I just want to say to ComeCatcha, if you're reading this, that this story is called humor and a parody for a reason. I inserted myself simply to be crazy because this is an insanity fic. If you have a problem with that, you're crazy. I suggest you go back through all the thousands of Animorphs fics, pick out all the insanity fics, and look at how many of those have author insertions. I was not the first one, and I will not be the last. In a real fic, I would never insert myself, but in an insanity fic, I can do anything because it is my insane mind writing it. I'm sorry that you can't see that. I'm going to continue to insert myself and my friends now, because this is an insanity fic, and that's what happens in insanity fics.
Chapter 3 – The Chess Game
"Not another loon," Ron complained to Marco, who was standing near him.
"I'm not a loon," the girl answered. "But I like loons! Radioactive loons will take over the world! I'm the leader of the Louisiana Lucky Ducks. We help the Flock help the loons take over the world. Allee is one of the six people in the Flock. She introduced me to the loons."
"Yup," Marco whispered back to Ron. "It's another loon."
What is a loon? asked Ax.
The new girl had shoulder-length blonde hair, blue eyes, and was a couple inches over five feet tall. Harry noticed that she had a rectangle-shaped scar on her wrist.
"My name's Shawna," the girl said with a very thick southern accent.
Everybody was silent.
Suddenly, Allee's voice boomed out of nowhere. "Say hi to Shawna!" she exclaimed.
With surprise, everybody in the room said, "Hi, Shawna!"
She grinned. "Okay," she remarked, "I guess I'm supposed to watch you guys play chess."
"Yeah, I guess so," Marco said irritably.
"Okay, get into your teams!" Shawna said brightly, batting her eyes at Marco.
Giving her a weird look, Marco, Ron, Hermione, Jake, Ginny, and Hagrid moved to spaces nearby Ellimist, and Snape, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Wormtail, and Nagini went to Crayak. Ax, Rachel, Cassie, and Tobias grouped together, away from both other parties.
"Alright, Shawna, or whatever your name is," Draco said, "let's get this game over with."
From wherever she was, Allee randomly started cracking up.
"Don't we need a chess board if we're going to play chess?" Marco asked, looking around.
"Of course!" Shawna answered brightly.
"So… Aren't you going to poof one out of nowhere for us then, or something?" Marco asked, trying to get her to elaborate.
"Don't worry," Shawna answered. "Allee's taking care of it."
As she said that, the entire setting of the room changed. Instead of being in Professor McGonagall's Transfigurations classroom, they were on a giant chessboard.
"How'd we ge' by Fluffy?" Hagrid asked, looking around.
That was physically impossible, Ax said, looking around the room with his stalk eyes. Unless this is some sort of very convincing hologram, it is physically impossible to move us instantaneously through space.
"Oh, no, not here again!" Ron complained, looking at a small bloodstain on the floor. "Last time we were here, I was nearly killed!"
True enough, they were in the same room where Harry, Hermione, and Ron had gone through a real-life version of wizard's chess when they were trying to get the sorcerer's stone.
"Speak for yourself," muttered Harry.
"Ah, ah, ah!" Shawna scolded. "You can only translate for Nagini."
"But-"
"No!"
"But-"
"No! Listen to what Shawna says!" Allee said from nowhere. Suddenly, Harry found that he was unable to speak.
Nagini hissed, and Harry said, "Ha, ha, ha."
"Now he only can translate," Allee said. "By the way, Shawna, just in case they start acting up…"
A laptop appeared in Shawna's hands.
"Oh, no," everybody groaned.
"Oh, yes," she laughed. "You know, just for the fun of it…" She typed some things onto the laptop.
Suddenly, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Snape's hair started flashing gold and scarlet, the Gryffindor colors.
"No!" the Slytherins moaned. Wormtail started snickering.
"Oh, don't worry, they're not the only ones, Wormtail," Shawna said. With a few more keystrokes, there was another popping noise, and suddenly there was a small Dachshund sitting on the ground. When it saw Shawna, it started wagging its tail and running towards her.
"I'm really getting sick of people apparating into Hogwarts," Hermione complained, shaking her head.
Yes, it is physically impossible for them to appear, unless they come out of Zero-space in a space ship, Ax agreed. Everybody gave him an odd look before looking back at the weenie dog.
"Hello, Belle, my little puppy dog!" Shawna crooned, bending down to play with it.
"What a sweet dog!" Cassie exclaimed, coming onto the chessboard so that she, too, could pet the dog. Rachel shrugged, and followed her friend.
"Reminds me o' Fluffy," Hagrid commented, and then he also bent down to play with it.
You know, I eat things that size, Tobias grumbled, fluffing his wings.
"No! Don't touch her!" Shawna shrieked. "Attack, Belle!"
In a second, the playful, sweet, happy dog turned around, snarled, and started running toward Tobias.
Oh, no, he groaned, and swiftly flew up onto the nearest thing he could stand on, which just so happened to be Wormtail.
"Excuse me, bird, but what do you think you're doi-" Wormtail started to say, but then was cut off when Belle sunk her pointy teeth into his exposed ankle.
"OUCH! GET OFF ME, YOU STUPID MUTT! MY MASTER WILL EXACT REVENGE! AHHH!!!"
"Bloody hell, that's a smart dog," Ron managed to say between giggles.
"Ron! Don't swear!" Hermione scolded.
Will you please stand still? Tobias demanded, and when Peter failed to comply, Tobias spread his wings and flew over to Rachel's shoulder.
"Good girl, Belle, good girl!" Shawna cooed, picking the still snarling dog up into her arms and hugging her.
"The thing's almost as loony as that idiotic hippogriff that nearly killed me third year," Draco whispered to his two cronies. They started giggling.
"Don' insult my poor Buckbeak!" Hagrid yelled. With that, he opened the button on one of his pockets, pulled out a small, moving wizard's photograph of Buckbeak, and started sobbing.
"Hippogriff?" Rachel questioned.
Yes, I read about them in one of my books, Ax answered. They are a part of human mythology, but nothing more. They are part eagle and part horse. But they are only myths.
"Magic is only a myth, too," Jake pointed out. "But look around us."
"Poor Buckbeak… I hope he was abl' ta get away safely…" Hagrid said, still fingering the picture.
"Mortals…" Crayak complained. "They have no sense of what is important in life. Power is all that matters!"
"See?!" Wormtail shrieked, still cradling his wounded ankle. "My Lord You-Know-Who is not the only one who thinks that!"
"Maybe, but we've already decided that Crayak is a guaranteed evil, psycho, pain-in-the-neck," Rachel said. "So your master You-Know-Who agrees with a psycho."
Rachel jerked her head toward Crayak who was running toward her as fast as his little-girl legs could carry him, and said, "Listen, shrimp. Here, you're not all-powerful, and you have a physical body. You attack me, and I morph elephant and introduce you to one of my tusks."
Crayak seemed to think about that for a moment before his rosy cheeks paled and he shied away. However, he still muttered something that sounded like "universal domination."
"Oh, shut up, you little girl," Ellimist said, standing up proudly.
"I'm not a little girl, Ellimist," Crayak said angrily. "You, more than anybody else here, should know how dangerous I am."
"You may not normally be a little girl, but you are now, and I'm an old man. You should respect your elders."
"ME? Respect YOU? NEVER!" Crayak shouted. Unable to twist the strands of space-time to get his revenge on Ellimist for saying that, he did the next best thing. He marched right up to Ellimist and stomped down on his foot.
"Take that, you old fart!" Crayak shrieked.
"Ow!!! Get back here, you! I'll put you into a time-out!" Ellimist yelled, limping as fast as he could toward Crayak. Crayak started giggling, and ran behind Hagrid. He peeked out from behind the huge gamekeeper, and Ellimist grabbed him.
"Well, this is entertaining," Marco smirked. "I never thought I would see the day when Crayak actually did act like a little girl and Ellimist like an old man."
"Grounded! And no more chocolate for the rest of the month!" Ellimist yelled as he picked up Crayak and carried him (or was it a her?) back to their previous positions.
"I WANT MY MOMMY!" Crayak cried. Then he added, "My lord, did I actually just say that?"
Allee started laughing again, from her invisible hiding place. After a few minutes of listening to Allee's chuckles and watching Crayak and Ellimist's little catfight, Snape started to giggle. He eventually got louder and louder, until he fell down from laughing so hard.
"Professor?" Draco tentatively asked. "Professor Snape?"
"He's snapped," Hermione offered. "I'm surprised that it took this long. If we continue to hang around this group of crazy people any longer, I will not be surprised if we do, too."
"No, I've not snapped," Snape managed to say through his laughter. "Just think about it. We're here, in a secret area of Hogwarts meant to protect something that was destroyed years ago, with people from another universe, and we're having to do whatever two crazy American girls from yet another universe want! It's ridiculous!"
Allee finally stopped laughing, and said, "Okay… This isn't working. Shawna, we really just need to make them start the game, otherwise they'll all snap. Too bad, this really was quite amusing."
"Oh yeah," Shawna agreed, also giggling.
"Okay," Allee said, "tap the shoulder of whichever chess piece you want to play."
Everybody continued to watch Crayak and Ellimist, who were still fighting.
"I SAID TAP THE SHOULDER OF WHICHEVER CHESS PIECE YOU WANT TO PLAY!" Allee yelled. Suddenly it seemed like the entire room shook, except for the small piece of ground that Shawna was standing on.
Everyone froze, and then meekly started to walk toward the chess pieces.
"Ellimist's team is white, Crayak's team is black," Allee said. "Oh, and Ellimist and Crayak are the kings."
"He can't be a king, he's a little girl," Ellimist laughed.
"That's it," Crayak muttered, but before he could launch himself at Ellimist's throat again, Shawna grabbed him and put him in the place of the black king.
When everybody was in the spot of one of the chess pieces, and the non-players were safely on the side, the remaining actual chess pieces sprung up, suddenly alive.
"I hate wizard's chess, I hate wizard's chess…" Hermione kept repeating as she stared at the bloodstain on the floor where Ron had fallen four years before.
"Let the game begin!" Allee's voice announced.