A/N: Thank you guys soooooooo much for all the suggestions!!!!! You'll find that I use them in the next few chapters… :-D
Chapter 6 – Guys Suck!
"No, you don't understand," Jared pleaded. "I don't go to this school. I don't belong in this universe. You have to let me go!"
"Lying now, are we? Where do you go, then, Durmstrang? Then what are you doing in England in Hogwarts?" Filch shot back.
"No, I go to a high school in Wisconsin," Jared whined. "Some psycho girl dragged me here. I didn't mean for it to happen…"
"You came here to visit your girlfriend? How sweet, but inapplicable. You kicked my cat, and now you're going to detention."
"But I don't go to this school! And I've never had a detention before! I don't deserve this treatment! It's all Allee's fault!"
"Allee, eh? Is that your girlfriend's name?"
"No, my girlfriend is a beautiful girl named Lenny. Allee is her psycho, magical friend that brought me here. I didn't do anything! I'm not magical!"
Filch froze, then he turned to look a Jared, a murderous gleam in his eye. "Not magical? Are you making fun of me?" His voice rose to a pitch of hysteria. "You're making fun of me because I'm a… Because I'm a squib!"
"You're a what?" Jared blurted out, confusion masking his face.
"Don't act innocent now," Filch accused. "Just because you can use a wand, you think you're better than me. Well, I'll show you. I'll show you. We're going to go see Dumbledore."
Still utterly baffled, Jared closed his eyes, trying to place the name. "Dumbledore… Dumbledore… I've heard that name before… Wait, isn't he the old guy that runs this nuthouse? He's the dude who just died, and now they're going to get the dude from Lord of the Rings to play him, right?"
"Inconsiderate students," Filch muttered. He grasped Jared by the ear, causing the unfortunate guy to grimace. "Just wait. This could get you expelled, it could. But perhaps Albus will allow me to use some good old torture devices, first… That would teach you a lesson. Let's go." He started dragging Jared through the halls once again, this time headed for the headmaster's office.
"Oh, no…"
"…So, the seeker dives down, and…" Oliver droned on, ignorant of the fact that most of his audience had fallen asleep long ago.
With a pop, Shawna and Lenny appeared in the room. Shawna held Allee's laptop. Looking around, Shawna asked, "Where's Cassi?"
Lenny giggled. "She'll be here in a while. I think she and Remus may be, uh, 'occupied' right now…"
"Ooh, you mean like you and Jared were 'occupied' when Allee made you show up in the last chapter?"
Lenny turned bright red and fell into a peculiar fit of coughing. "Yeah, I guess…"
The sound of voices talking about something other than Quidditch seemed to rouse the random book characters, and they clumped together in a futile attempt to protect themselves from the two equally scary presences in the room: Allee's two friends (or henchmen, as the case may be), and Oliver, now talking about the Wronski Feint.
"Where's Allee?" Marco finally found the courage to ask, surprised to find that he actually missed her annoying company.
"Uh…" Lenny and Shawna shared a nervous glance before Lenny finally spoke up. "She's in a bit of a… predicament… right now, but she'll be here eventually. She asked us to come and get everything ready while she's gone."
Harry's eyes lit up in excitement. "She's gone? Really? For how long?"
"Don't get that excited," Shawna chastised. "She'll be here pretty soon. Time flows differently in the real world than it does here. She just needs some time to get over something."
"What happened to her?" Alicia asked.
"Something," Shawna replied, being sufficiently ambiguous so as to completely confuse the book characters.
"Anyway, let's go down to the Quidditch field and get you guys robed up," Lenny said. "Allee will be here soon, and she just wants to assign the Animorphs and Erek their positions, and then let the game start."
"Wonderful…" Jake muttered.
"Oh, look on the bright side, fearless leader!" Marco chattered happily. "Maybe you'll actually be good at this sport, and you'll be able to make a Quidditch team! Since, you know, you totally suck at basketball. And everybody knows that I crush you beneath my terrible thumbs in the magnificent sport of video games."
"I don't suck at basketball!" Jake declared.
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"Yes, you do."
Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob rolled her eyes. "Great. Here they go again. They'll be at it for the next five hours or so."
"At least they aren't like Hermione and Ron," Harry commented. "If they were, they would be fighting for the next week to a month, and it would get really nasty, too."
"Yeah," Fred agreed. "Ickle Ronnie-kins can get quite hotheaded when he fancies a girl."
"And he does fancy Hermione," George added. "He just doesn't know it yet."
"It's so obvious to everybody else," Katie sighed. "Why can't they see it? They need to get together."
"We should find a way to get them to admit their feelings for one another!" Angelina bubbled.
Shawna and Lenny exchanged a worried look.
"Perhaps we could get a hold of that dwarf that Ginny used to send Harry that valentine a few years ago…" mused George.
"Shh, Harry's not supposed to know it was her who sent it," Fred hushed.
"Oh, I don't care," Harry said. "We're dating now, anyway."
Both Weasleys stopped talking and stared at Harry open-mouthed.
"You're dating our sister?!" they both exclaimed simultaneously.
"Well, yes."
"It was so cute the way he asked her!" Rachel gushed, earning surprised stares from the other Animorphs and Erek for the unusual outburst of positive emotion.
"CONGRATULATIONS!" the twins shouted at once, hugging their little sister's new boyfriend. "This is great. You do realize, however, that if you hurt her in any way, we will murder you in the slowest and most painful way imaginable, don't you?"
Harry gulped. "Yes, I do…"
"Good," George grinned.
"Anyway, back to getting Ron and Hermione to admit their feelings for one another…" Alicia said.
Lenny bit her lip for a second before finally blurting out, "Allee already got them to do that…"
"WHAT?!" everybody in the room except for Shawna exclaimed.
"They admitted that they're in love with each other," Shawna clarified. "And then they started fighting again. Each thought that the other should have come out with it sooner."
Harry slapped his hand to his forehead. "They are so thick, I could honestly just strangle them sometimes…"
"Isn't it sad?" Lenny asked. "But anyway, we really should start toward the Quidditch field now."
"Let's do it!" Rachel said with a maniacal smile as the crowd started to move toward the field.
Marco suddenly broke out of his fight with Jake. "Oh, God, she's said it. Now we're all going to die. I don't know how, but somehow we're going to die."
These bludger-things sound nasty, Tobias commiserated. They sound like they're even heavier than me!
"They are nasty," Oliver said. "They broke Harry's arm, once. And then he lost all of the bones in it."
"That hurt," Harry added.
"Ooh, wait, I almost forgot to make the announcement," Shawna squealed. She cleared her voice, then typed something into Allee's computer. When she spoke again, it was in a loud voice that resonated around all of Hogwarts. "Students and teachers of Hogwarts, please proceed to the Quidditch field immediately. Classes for today are canceled. Instead, you will attend the Quidditch game."
Cheers went up in all of the classrooms surrounding the group, and doors flew open as ecstatic students filed out and raced for the Quidditch field.
"By the way," Lenny said, "I don't suppose any of you know what's happened to Jared…?"
Professor Dumbledore peered at Filch and Jared over the tops of his crescent-moon glasses.
Jared trembled, quietly muttering to himself, "I don't belong here, I don't belong here, I don't belong here…"
At last, the aged wizard spoke. "I'm afraid, Argus," he began, "that I have no choice but to believe the boy."
"WHAT?!" Filch exclaimed.
"I have heard reports of this same Allee girl from Professors McGonagall and Flitwick. Apparently, she has shown extreme abilities with her "magic", and anybody who tries to stand up to her is powerless.
"Impossible," Filch hissed.
"Yet it's true," Dumbledore said. "We have no choice but to let her do what she wants, and hope that nobody gets hurt too badly."
As he finished speaking, Shawna's voice echoed through the office. "Students and teachers of Hogwarts, please proceed to the Quidditch field immediately. Classes for today are canceled. Instead, you will attend the Quidditch game."
With a shrug, Dumbledore nodded toward the exit. "And it seems that Allee wishes we go to a Quidditch game. After you, Argus."
"This is ridiculous," the squib grumbled. "What should we do with the kid?"
The headmaster thought for a moment, then said, "We can't have him disturbing classes around here. Just let him free in London."
"London?" Jared repeated weakly. "How did I get myself into this?!"
The Animorphs, Erek, the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Lenny, and Shawna walked into the changing rooms by the Quidditch fields, only to find Ron and Hermione waiting for them.
"I thought that you might have something to do with the classes being canceled," Hermione accused Shawna and Lenny.
"Well, yeah, Allee asked us to," Lenny said.
"And I'm sure that you think that having the classes canceled is just horrible," Ron asked snidely.
"Oh, just shut it, will you? Just shut it!"
"Now, now, stop fighting!" Shawna chastised.
Suddenly, there was a pop, and Allee appeared. She was smiling faintly, but her eyes were red and tear-stains covered her cheeks.
"You feeling any better?" Lenny asked, looking at Allee with concern.
"Yeah, I guess," Allee said with a sad smile.
What happened? Ax questioned, his curiosity overcoming him.
"Michael, my boyfriend, broke up with me," Allee answered quietly. "It turns out that he's been cheating on me for forever, and lying to me, and going around saying we did things that we most definitely did not do, and on top of all that, when he broke up with me, he didn't even have the guts to do it himself. He had to have a couple of his friends do it for him. And for a little over the next week, he denied that anything had happened, despite the fact that there was overwhelming evidence against him."
"What a weasel," Rachel spat.
"Definitely," Allee agreed. "He is nothing more than an atrabilious, vermian faitour of a limicolous angletwitch who is probably dasypygal, anyway. After all, what kind of gulosity motivates somebody to honeyfuggle on his girlfriend, to treat her like an ikbal? His aprosexia makes him immoral and without ascesis. His decision to ask me out must have been autoschediastic, based only on the fact that he thought I was callipygian. His limerance was fake. He could be likened to a bezoar, gross and disgusting, deserving of my ugsomeness. He thinks he is splendid, but he is only blandiose and a nithing gamphrel. He bloviates all the time, yet everything he says is a lie. Just thinking of him gives me a. I actually think that his Y chromosome may be decussate. To top it all, he was too much of a meacock to break up with me on his own; he had to have friends do it for him, instead. He is such a pronk! He will no longer be my cockyolly bird, for I am going to go aucupating. I may be comminatory, but it is a perfectly cromulent response to his shandy actions. My axe and my ponytail will be the lovely objects that become his deodands. When I finish with him, I will stand and fleer foudroyantly at the cruentation of his blood as it disembogues from the wounds. What can I say? I will dimidiate him. Literally. So what if my erethism is unhealthy? It will be extremely fun watching the loons vaporize him. Perhaps I will even make him ride a painful herrison! And, as an ignicolist, it may be fun to set him on fire… I will happily ignore his flagitation for his life as he curses me as a mackabroin. He's probably dying already of grandgore he might have contracted from the belswagger he dated before me, anyway. I just hope that I will not receive any funestation from inhuming his body. Let him be a forbysen to all guys who dare cheat on, lie to, and slander their girlfriends. Oh, and isn't this soliloquy logodaedaly?"
The entire group stared at Allee for a moment, uncomprehending. They blinked once, then again.
At last, Oliver said, "Is that how everybody else feels when I go off about Quidditch?"
Dazed, everybody else present who had heard one of his Quidditch speeches nodded.
"Can somebody please translate?" George asked.
"Yeah, we don't speak Allee-ish," Fred added.
"Oh, seriously, don't tell me that you didn't understand that!" Hermione chided. "It was all English! Allee said, 'He is nothing more than an ill-tempered, wormlike cheat of a worm to be used as bait in fishing that lives in mud and is probably suffering from having too much hair on its butt, anyway. After all, what kind of greediness motivates somebody to cheat on his girlfriend, to treat her like a member of a harem? His abnormal inability to pay attention, characterized by an indifference to everything, makes him immoral and without the practice of self-discipline. His decision to ask me out must have been spur-of-the-moment, based only on the fact that he thought I had a nice butt. His falling in love with me was fake. He could be compared to a small, hard mass formed in the stomachs of animals, like a hairball, gross and disgusting, deserving of my loathing. He thinks he is splendid, but he only thinks he is grand, yet he is simply bland, and he is a despicable blockhead. He brags all the time, but everything he says is a lie. Just thinking of him gives me a sharp pain in the forehead like a nail being driven in. I actually think his Y chromosome may be X-shaped. To top it all, he was too much of a coward to break up with me himself; he had to have friends do it for him. He is such a weak person! He will no longer be my sweet little bird, here used in a figurative sense, for I am going to go bird hunting. I may be vengeful, but it's a perfectly acceptable response to his stupid actions. My axe and my ponytail will be the lovely objects that become the direct causes of his death. When I finish with him, I will stand and loudly laugh jeeringly at the oozing of his blood after he's dead as it pours from the wounds. What can I say? I will divide him in half. Literally. So what if my unhealthy enthusiasm is unhealthy? It will be extremely fun watching the loons vaporize him. Perhaps I will even make him ride a wooden horse covered in spikes that was used as punishment in old armies. And, as a fire worshipper, it may be fun to set him on fire… I will happily ignore his pleading for his life as he curses me as an old hag. He's probably already dying of syphilis he might have gotten from the slut he dated before me, anyway. I just hope that I will not be poisoned by touching his dead body as I bury it. Let him be an example to all guys who dare to cheat on, lie to, and slander their girlfriends. Oh, and isn't this speech clever in word usage?'" Hermione stopped to smile. "It was quite clever, if I may say so myself, Allee."
"My God!" Marco exclaimed. "You're crazy."
"And single," Allee said with a large smile. "Of course, you or George could always fix that…"
"Just remind me to never make her mad," Fred whispered.
Humans are so violent! Ax lamented to no one.
"Anyway, now that I have that out of me," Allee said, "we can announce the positions of the Animorphs, and what this game will be for. But, I think Cassi would want to see this…"
With a pop, Cassi and Remus appeared in the dressing room. "What did we miss?" Cassi asked cheerily, trying to hide the bright purple bruise on her neck where, obviously, Remus had been enjoying himself.
"I'm about to announce the Animorphs' and Erek's positions," Allee said. "And they are…"
"I'M FAMOUS!!!! I SHOULDN'T BE TREATED LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!" Jared yelled after Filch's retreating form, shivering as he looked around the intimidating surroundings that were London. "I HATE MAGIC!!!! STUPID MAGIC ALLEE, STUPID MAGIC HOGWARTS, STUPID MAGIC EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" With that, he stood up and ran down the street, ranting about Hogwarts and its magic.
A/N: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! A cliffie!!!! So now you must review! Please? Please? I'll be your bestest friend! Yeah. Please? Reviews make me happy. And thanks to Lenny for helping me out with a fact or two for this chapter!