Disclaimer: The characters of DA don't belong to me. Must you rub it in?
Authors note: The angsty ficcy ciffhangery-ness of it all? I like it, unusual, but I like it. I'm sure I'm not a professional writer, you having me blushing, but I do dream of someday becoming a real author. Just like that wooden kid wanting to be a real boy. ::Sigh:: I miss my wallet. I was such a nice wallet, and my brother bought it for me too. Oh well, I will survive. Enjoy the chapter.
Review junkie, reporting for her fix!
Has Anyone Ever Written Anything for You?
Chapter 12: If I could touch you
~*~
It's getting so lonely inside this bed,
Don't know if I should lick my wounds or say woe is me instead
there's an aching inside my head
It's telling me I'm better off alone
But after midnight morning will come
And the day will see if you will get some
They say that girl ya know she act too tough tough tough
Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light
They say that girl you know she act so rough rough rough
Well it's till' I turn off the light, turn off the light
And I say follow me follow me down down down down
till' you see all my dreams
Not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems
I looked above the other day
Cuz I think I'm good and ready for a change
I live my life by the moon (by the moon)
If it's high play it low, if it's harvest go slow and if it's full, then go
But after midnight morning will come
And the day will see if you're gonna get some
~ Nelly Furtado, "Turn off the Light"
~*~
Max was wet. Soaked through the bone as she stood in Logan's doorway, making a face at his bark of laughter. "It won't be safe for us to touch for at least another half hour," he threw a towel at her and walked into the kitchen and stirred a red sauce on the stove.
"Another half hour, huh?" Max asked as she made her way to the windows looking out over the city.
"Yeah. I figure what's half an hour after all this time?" he called from the kitchen.
"A lot," she whispered, putting one hand on the rain streaked window. The cool glass sent a shock up her hand reminding her of the feel of Alec's cold skin when she had dragged him out of the lake back in Minnesota. She almost wanted laughed, the glass wasn't quite cold enough for the comparison, but it reminded her anyway. Shaking her head she pushed away the memories of Alec looking at her, his arms wrapped around her waist, and telling her that he was glad she couldn't hate him.
She sighed, looking down at the street and allowed her gaze to travel to the other side of the street and watched the gutter become a stream. She listened to Logan in the kitchen, small sounds like humming and the occasional tap of metal on metal, sounds that she wouldn't have heard if she had been normal.
She let her mind wander, resting her forehead against the glass, it was a mistake because she was assaulted with pieces of memories. Glimpses of full lips pulled apart to reveal perfect teeth in a grin, strong hands running through barely tamed dirty blond hair, blue eyes the color of an angry sky watching her with awe and fear. Snapshots of nimble hands tracing the curve of her hips as though she was precious, lips searing her skin so that she thought she might die from the heat, and finally whispered words of ownership in a dark room.
She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and closed her eyes against the attack she hadn't been ready for. Her body remembered the feel of hands, skin as soft a silk, strong muscles rippling under her fingers, lips like flower petals, the smell of man and cat and night and sex,; she was trying to forget but her body remembered. It forcefully reminded she when she shifted and her shoulder protested, she had worn a high neck sweater to cover the almost delicate imprint of teeth there. It was a mark that had been mirrored on the smooth skin of Alec's shoulder.
It was a thought that made Max feel infinitely guilty while she was standing in Logan's apartment, while he was busy making her dinner. She looked down at her watch, twenty minutes and they would be able to touch, nothing would be able to hold them back. She forced a mile onto her face, like she didn't believe she was alone completely and still needed to prove that she was happy. The love of her life would be able to touch her, she beat down the thought that he already could and had. She let out a soft growl that she almost didn't realize was out loud.
"Are you ok, Max?" Came a soft voice from behind her.
She turned to see Logan leaning against the door into the kitchen, his arms crossed over his chest, and one eyebrow raised in question.
"Yeah, I'm fine." She knew he didn't believe her so she scrambled for an explanation, "bad day at work. With it raining and all."
"I'm sorry, I hope you'll be in a better mood soon." He smiled letting her see his excitement.
"Give me fifteen minutes and you won't believe that I was ever in a bad mood," she quipped. Her eyes darkened as she considered what would be happening in the next fifteen minutes, thirteen now. When Logan clasped her hand would she start comparing the strength, or lack there of, to another pair of hands. Would she start wishing that it wasn't Logan who was running fingers through her hair. I'm supposed to love you, Logan. What does it mean if you're not the first person I think of in the morning? She smiled at him, stopping unvoiced thoughts, when he took a step toward her in concern.
"Dinner should be ready in ten." He said before retreating back into the kitchen. She watched him go, the smile slipping from her carnelian lips like pulled clay. She turned to look back out the window.
~*~
While I drive around in circles
Through the city
Just waitin' for the lights to change
But right about when midnight hits me
Moonlight gets me feelin' kind of crazy
I wonder 'bout her
does she still wear that same old ring
know I still wonder about her
and I know that ain't no big thing
well she left me all alone now
now I'm just waitin' for my phone to ring
I'm dreamin' about her
I guess I never really knew
That livin' without her
Was more than I could ever do
Cause she ain't coming back
No she ain't comin' back
No she ain't comin' back
Cause there's nothin' left to come back to
Johnny Lang, "Still Wonder"
~*~
Alec was running, his feet pounding on the wet pavement as the rain worked its way into his clothes and hair. His breath wasn't even rasping yet, but he felt like he had been running for hours. He had to do something, to let his body become so exhausted that he wouldn't' be able to think, or feel.
He was starting to wonder which was worse, wondering what it would be like to be with Max or knowing what it was like. He thought maybe it was worse to know exactly how her nails etching themselves into his back felt, or what her lips caressing his would actually do to him.
"Mine."
"Yours."
He ran harder, the streets becoming a blur and even his genetically engineered eyes couldn't focus on the walls of alleys or the indistinct links of chain fences. For a minute he imagined he was flying, running so hard and fast that his feet no longer touched the ground. He knew it was just a fantasy, though, and he thought that maybe he had had too many of those lately.
He didn't know where he was going, and he didn't think he actually had a destination. He just knew he had to go. If you aren't going anywhere, if there is no destination, how do you know when to stop? How do you know it's time to fall to the ground, gasping for air, and then turn and go home?
When you can't run anymore? He could be in another state before that happened. When you run off the edge of the world? The edge of the world was just another fantasy. When you find a place better than where you started? He didn't know if there was such a place. When you couldn't breath or when you were dead?
It was decided for him, he tripped. His foot caught something that his eyes couldn't see and he was really flying for a second. His body soaring through the air in a graceful arch before he was falling, his hands catching him before his face could meet with a river of rain. He was gasping for air, not really because he needed it but because he didn't know what else to do. He wasn't moving anymore, he had stopped and so the memories were on him again.
Max holding his shivering body. Max's hand holding his as she lay asleep next to him. Max smiling at him, her face as bright as the sun. Max's lips covering his body with enough heat to fry his brain. Max curled up against him when he had woken slowly for the first time in his life. Max. Max with her chocolate eyes, caramel skin, and midnight hair. Max with her perfect body pressed against his so that there was nothing between them. Max. And the feeling of sheer emptiness when he had realized that she would hate him when she woke.
With a shaking breath he realized that half his forearms was covered with water. He almost laughed at himself for not noticing, but the laugh froze in his throat and was perverted into a half-hiccup half-sob. He wanted to scream, to let the world know what he could have and didn't.
He picked himself off the ground, feeling the rain pelt his body for the first time. He took a deep breath, taking in the scent of rain that hung heavy in the air and something fainter. Honey, for some reason he could smell honey mixing with rain. Then something in his brain clicked, a floodlight came on, and he almost hit himself. He was about to lie down and let Max slip through his fingers, because he was too much of a coward to do anything about it. He wasn't going to fight because Logan was able to touch her.
Alec could touch her too, and he intended to