Heart Beat Here (Dashboard Confessional)
Santana's POV
This wasn't the plan.
I wanted that divorce as surely as I had breath in my body.
But then our tour went through New York before turning back to L.A.; So, for the first time in a year, I took the stairs up to the door of my house.
The same door that had a beautiful wooden L on the front, I touched it and thought of Nico.
How he'd found it and made it blend into the door so beautifully, just for me.
I thought of Brittany finding me curled up on that floor with his cum dripping from my legs.
She wasn't concerned about the stickiness that coated my thighs when she held me close to her.
All Britt was worried about was saving me from myself.
How often had she done that?
My hand was frozen on the knocker as moments moved through my memory of Britt shoving down the hurts that I dished out like they meant nothing to her.
She'd retaliate but never permanently.
Even with the PFA for the kids, she still came to me.
Checked on me.
Cared for me.
So how could I decide to divorce her?
For weeks, I'd been so fucking sure.
But then that door opened, and I was looking into Pa's eyes; they looked haunted.
"You're here? Did she call you?"
"No. We haven't spoken. Is she here?"
He looked puzzled.
"Of course she is." He said as if my mother was immobile.
As if Maribel Gladys Lopez Rivera wasn't a fucking hurricane when she wanted to be.
"Well, can you step aside so that I can see her?"
He pulled me into a hug, and I stood there stiffly, with my bruises almost completely faded but still sore while he hugged me tightly.
In the past, the comfort of my godfather was always something I craved, especially when the other men in my life were being literal pieces of shit.
But right then, I wanted out.
Something wasn't right.
I heard the beeping as I climbed the stairs and paused...we weren't in a fucking hospital.
What the fuck?
I went into my old bedroom, the same room where I had broken Britt's heart by fucking Quinn.
And she stayed.
How could I divorce her?
My mother was sitting up in a hospital-style bed with a nurse fussing over her while she changed her IV.
"Mami?" I said, feeling sick to my stomach.
She stared at me in surprise, her skin even paler, grayer than the tan peach that it usually was.
"Santana...you came."
"I...what is going on?" I was still in the doorway, unmoving as I stared at her still.
"She told you, I didn't think she'd have the guts!" The nurse was still hovering, and Mami waved her away. "Can't you see I have a guest?"
"I just need to finish this, please?" The nurse seemed scared of my mother.
Typical.
"Fine, just hurry up; I don't have all day." Mami's laugh was dry, and then she had this hacking cough that sounded so fucking painful.
The nurse covered Mami's mouth as she coughed up whatever was, I saw a flash of red, and my heart plummeted.
Was I about to be an orphan?
How could she leave me again?
The nurse cleaned my mother up, then finished the IV before taking off her gloves and leaving the room.
I stepped closer finally and could see that she looked even worse up close.
"Are you dying?" I asked her, trying to keep my back firm, as I looked her over.
"Aren't we all, Mi'ja?" She joked, and I could see the way her teeth still had some blood.
"Mami, please...how didn't I know this?"
"I didn't want to burden you."
"But...why not? I'm your child, your ONLY child."
"Ay, this has been...a long time coming. You were healing...recovering, and I didn't want to send you spiraling."
"Wait...is this why you sent me away?"
She smirked and nodded.
"I couldn't handle you anymore...I was sick, and you were sick, making me worse. I was selfish." She waved away the memory, then smiled at me again. "You're fine, Mi'ja. Your sisters, Brittany and the Pierces, will take care of you."
"None of them are you!" I snapped, "How much time?"
"Time?"
"Do you have?"
"Days...weeks...I chose not to go to hospice."
I couldn't cry; I felt so numb as I listened to her tell me about her heart disease when I was living with her.
How much she'd tried to push it off.
And how she tried like hell to prepare me for her death by taking charge of my recovery.
She wanted me close and to be better than her.
The only other person that knew was Susan...but she had strict orders not to tell me until after the holidays.
But then Susan was distracted by Britt, and now here I was about to be an orphan.
"How couldn't you tell Mari?" I asked, so confused by my mother's actions.
My sister was a fucking cardiologist, and Saul was a cardiothoracic surgeon. How couldn't she lean on them in this?
"Because I didn't want to be poked and harassed. I'm sure Damariz will be angry, but I'll be dead by that point." She laughed and then coughed hard; I did the same as the nurse, lifting a rag to Mami's mouth and catching the blood.
She looked at me, surprised, but I'd grown from the spoiled brat that I had been. "I will stay here by your side until the end, okay?" I said to her, and she seemed surprised.
"Will you sing for me?"
I nodded and then kicked off my shoes and pulled out my phone.
NY show is canceled. Family emergency.-Satan
Is everything okay?-Aretha
No. I'll meet you at the next stop.-Satan
Will the emergency be over in two days?-Aretha
God, I hope not. I'll let you know, just pray for me, Mercedes, please?-Satan
Of course.-Aretha
Angie had the kids over at the apartment building, visiting their little friends. We were supposed to all be having dinner before my show.
But that wasn't going to happen now.
Then, I hesitated...thinking about how I shouldn't be doing this; I had just gotten in from Atlanta and was supposed to be getting ready for my New York show. I hadn't even seen Q since Christmas, but I needed her.
Q?-San
Yes, babe?-Q
Are you busy?-San
Just hanging with the kids and Angie-Q
Can you come to mom's, please?-San
What's wrong?-Q
Everything. I'm sober. It's just bad. Worry but be safe getting here!-San
On my way!-Q
"You texted Quinn, didn't you?" Mami asked when I sat on the edge of her bed and took her translucent hand.
"Yeah, she's not a doctor yet, but I just know that she'll make you more comfortable if she can."
"Isn't she pregnant?"
"You know about that?"
"I know everything." She looked at my arms, and even though I had a sweater on, I rubbed at my arm.
"Susan?" I asked, and she nodded.
"Yes. I'm glad she's in treatment; it's been a long time coming."
"I didn't know you were keeping tabs on me."
"You're my only child; of course I do. Always."
"Is it okay that I asked Quinn to come?"
"She's your first love, Mi'ja; of course, you asked her."
I shook my head. "No, Mami, Ari is my first love." I corrected her.
"No. A mother knows. Ariana was your first awakening, but Quinn Fabray has always been your first love, and you were hers. You were married in another life."
"What drugs are you on? I love Brittany. She's the only love that matters."
"Then why did you inquire about divorce?"
"Seriously, how do you know that?"
"A mother knows."
My mother went in the night with no fanfare and had strict instructions in her will to cremate her and spread her ashes off the shores of Culebra, her birthplace.
She didn't want a memorial or any big announcements.
Her thinking was that when people looked for her, then they could find out.
Which forced me to grieve in silence.
"You should be leaving for Boston." Pa said to me as I leaned against Quinn, who was stoic as she rubbed my arm.
"I can't."
"There's nothing for you to do here, Santana. She had everything planned out. You have a family to take care of and a job to do."
"Don't go to Puerto Rico without me." I said, and he nodded.
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"What can I do for you, Pa?"
"You can get your heart checked regularly, and you can leave me to handle the coroner. Let me carry the heavy stuff, and when it's time, we will go to the island as a family and remember her. No big memorial, just us, that's what she wanted."
"Let me take you home, San."
"How can I hold this without telling my sisters?" I said to Pa.
"If you tell them, they will ask questions. They'll force you to comfort them while you grieve. Maybe give yourself time. At least you have Quinn."
I nodded and then let Quinn lead me from my house...from my mother's cooling body...into a world where I had no parents.
And was barely holding on to my marriage.
Life was too short for too many people that I loved.
Mami was a blow to me...I had treated her poorly, but God had at least brought me home to say goodbye.
Even if it was barely enough time.
It was barely dawn as Quinn helped me into a cab, her face still stone and her hands still.
"You can cry, Q."
"What good will that do?" She asked, sounding all dreamlike.
"It gets the poison out. That's what B says."
"I'm hormonal, Santana, you know how that is. If I start, I won't be able to stop."
"Right. Thanks for being there."
"Thanks for letting me be. It's cruel to make you hold this on your own, especially since you have so much going on and have only been sober for a year."
"They weren't going to tell me at all, Q."
"Don't remind me. Celia comes home today, and it's going to be hard enough hiding my tears but at least that I can hide, but the anger will make her interrogate me until I break."
"You've been crying that much?"
"I cried at a cereal commercial."
"Say less."
I was restless in the guest room of my sister's apartment, with Angie and the kids all squeezed onto the bed with me.
As I watched the sunrise, my head was pounding from all the screams I held in.
Angie squeezed my hand, and I looked up at her, wishing like hell that she was Brittany.
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"What can I do?"
"I need to be in Boston tomorrow; after that, we fly back to L.A., so I need to get things done here. Do you mind keeping them all day?"
"Of course not; that's why I'm here. Go do what you need to do...maybe before they wake up?"
I slid from the bed and whispered a thank you to Angie before leaving the room.
When I stepped out of the hallway, I wasn't surprised to see Celia in the living room with her headphones sliding from her chair from one easel to another painting.
She was in her peace, and I wished that I could also be in mine.
Mari and Saul were still in L.A., which meant that my old apartment was empty, so I went upstairs.
I hadn't been up there since October, when I was sick.
My poor piano was covered in dust, but the keys were pristine when I lifted the key lid.
The shake in my hands was something that always signaled the potential for a slide.
I know it's early, but I'll pay you extra to slide me into your schedule-Santana
The response was immediate in the form of a phone call.
"Good Morning, Santana. What's going on?"
"Hi, Amy."
"Tell me."
"I can't...I...if I say it...I'll break." I whispered.
"I took a mental health day today, so you're in luck. Are you still in the city? I can come to wherever you are?"
"Really? I don't want to fuck up your day, though."
"You're paying me double my rate. For that, I will bring you coffee and let you decompress."
"I'm in the penthouse...alone."
"Cravings?"
"Only a little."
"A little is a lot for an addict."
"I know, but I'm going to stay right here until you get here."
"Okay."
After going down to unlock the door and grab a dust wipe, I went back up to the loft and cleaned off my piano until it shone.
I was just tapping out a simple melody on the keys when Amy came up the steps with a coffee carrier in one hand and a paper bag in the other.
"Hello there, Santana Lopez."
I nodded at her but didn't say anything else, even when she put the food and drinks down on the side table.
She looked good in sweats and her hair up.
"Thanks." I said when she handed me a coffee cup.
"You're welcome. Are we jumping right in or playing your avoidance game?"
"My mom died overnight. I was by her side; it wasn't like the movies. She had been midsentence, then she got deathly pale and coughed...then she was just gone."
Amy nodded, "So jumping right in. Why aren't you with your family?"
"She didn't want anyone to know. Quinn knows, though, but I didn't want to lean on her too much. She's pregnant, and I want her to stay that way."
"Okay, so what about a visit to Brittany?"
"I can't do that to her either. Right now, you are the only person I am willing to talk to."
"That's perfectly fine; it's better that you talk to me than to let this eat at you, right?"
"Yes."
"Tell me what you're thinking about."
"I don't want the divorce anymore. I had already been reversing my decision before I walked into that house, but then I watched my only remaining parent die in front of me, and the only person I wanted was Brittany. She's my family, and through everything, all she wants is me. Most people have the problem of someone losing interest in them, but we don't have that issue. We want each other. I need to work on my marriage instead of throwing it away like I tried to do with my mother."
"What if Brittany agrees to the divorce?"
"She won't because I am not going to file, and we both know that if me nearly killing Isaac didn't drive her to file, nothing else will."
"Mmmm...you make a fair point."
"Therapize me, Amy. How can I healthily do this? I don't just want to jump back into my relationship because I'm grieving. If I'm jumping back in, I want to make sure I'm doing it right."
"Well, that starts with you doing some personal work. While she's in there figuring things out, you should be doing more than touring...you need to figure out which version of yourself you want to be, and show up as her."
"Right...I know...I know THAT, but I think I just needed to hear it again."
"I'll tell you however much you want to hear it."
I looked at where she was sitting and remembered Carmen whooping my ass...and Sugar's cold body.
I'd lost so many people.
Papi.
Ian.
Court.
Brenda.
Abuela.
Finn.
Sugar.
Mami.
And I'd nearly lost myself many times.
I wanted to stop losing.
I had control of how much I lost with Britt, but I had to be sure she was game to try again.
I had to show up as the version of myself that I wanted to be most.
And there was no time like the present.
Tomorrow was not promised.
The thing that had replayed in my mind was how much Britt resented me for all the wrong I had done.
She hated a version of me that I wasn't any longer.
I spent the next few days of the tour returning myself to my former glory.
To a Santana Lopez that enjoyed the finer things.
The nails.
The false lashes.
And skin-tight dresses with sky-high heels.
The blonde had been a last-minute decision because for so long, I had relied on the blondes in my life to carry me, and it was time to be my own fucking blonde.
To carry myself.
And then I planned for her release.
Every part was designed to figure out if she was my Brittany again or some other version.
By the time I got to the hospital, I had rested, grieved, and prayed until I felt like I could stand without weeping.
She was saying and being everything I needed without even knowing how badly I needed it.
And then she broke the façade when we were in the car; she trusted me.
She didn't hate me, and I couldn't drive.
I could barely stand.
And then we were in the hotel room, with views of everything beautiful about southern California in view.
She touched me, hugged me, and looked at me like the Brittany that I had chosen to love.
My family still didn't know about Mami.
Only Quinn.
And I knew that it was killing my friend to be holding it in.
That day, after Britt's surprise, I was going to try to tell my sisters at least.
I knew I had to because I couldn't fucking carry any more secrets, but I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it alone.
My soul was tired and way too dark still.
I needed the light.
The sun.
And that started with finally allowing myself to break in front of the one person who knew me instinctually.
She'd made me laugh.
I could tell, though, that she could see the hurt in my eyes.
After releasing me from the hug, she kicked off her sneakers and then sat on the couch and opened her arms.
"Come tell me what's weighing you down, Baby."
I froze.
"Huh?"
"You're hurting...I mean, you look amazing, but this is a wall, and I don't want to tear it down; I just want you to let me in."
My face crumbled as I straddled her waist and buried my face against her neck.
She wrapped her arms around me and held me while I broke.
And then she asked the question...that helped me let her in.
"Who died?"
"Mami." I whispered, and she held me a little tighter. "A week ago."
"You're not an orphan." She said, and I froze again.
She kept surprising me.
Kept knowing me.
And I knew that I had been right to not file.
There was no recreating what Britt and I had.
She was mine, and I was hers.
"I am." I said.
"You have my parents, and as much as he annoys me, you have Padrino."
"None of them are mine, B."
"Hey...then we make sure that our kids never have to be, okay."
I pulled away a bit so I could look into those sparkling eyes.
"Okay."
"Did you get to see her?"
"I was holding her hand."
"Good." She leaned in and kissed my face. "I'm proud of you for making up with her before it was over."
"Me too."
"So, was there a funeral or something? That's not where you were taking me, is it?"
I sat on her lap, playing with a strand of her hair, I hadn't realized just how long she'd let it grow, but I liked it.
"No one knows but your mom, Padrino, and Quinn."
Britt tipped up my chin.
"Why?"
"That's how Mami wanted it."
"Typical." Britt was annoyed, but there was no anger in her; this was my girl, the one I had fallen for. "She can't force you to hold this in."
"I know...I was going to tell my sisters today, especially because Q is holding it in too."
"I'll help you, or I'll tell them myself. I'll help you however much or little you need me, Baby."
"Can we have the talk?" I asked her after the feelings became too much. She was rubbing her fingers lightly over my bare thighs as she looked all over my face as if she couldn't get enough of me.
"Yes."
"I don't want a divorce."
"Me either."
"Although, I thought we should separate, maybe split the kids and live apart."
"No." I was thrown. "We don't need any more time apart. That's what we always do in some form; if we are going to move to the next level of our marriage, we need to figure our shit out together."
I was at a loss for words, so I just looked into her eyes and let myself believe her.
And then I told her my truth.
"Like I told you, coke is EVERYWHERE; I don't want to be here anymore...in L.A., I mean."
"Then we don't stay in L.A."
"You make it sound so easy."
"Because it is. We are fortunate to have more than one home. If you want to go back to Ohio, we have a home there...if you want to go to New York, we have two homes there."
"Three...Pa is moving out of the house. It's going to be empty again."
"Do you want to live there?"
"No."
"Then maybe you offer it to Mari since her family is growing; that way, we can move back to the penthouse."
"I hadn't thought of that."
"That's why we're a team, Ana banana."
"Can you stay like this, B?"
"Like what, medicated?"
"Level. I need this in my life, the control and spanking I can live without, but you being level is something we both need."
"I agree. I don't want to ever get to a point where I put anyone else in danger again. I know that the only way that is going to happen is if I take my meds and tell you how I'm feeling."
"So, no breakup?"
"No, just a breakthrough...and honestly, it's about time." Britt said, grinning, before leaning up and kissing my lips. "I just want to have our happy family and to get you nice and fat."
"Um...what?"
"You promised to give me a baby...after you've been sober for a year."
"Right, I did say that."
"And it's been a year."
"Almost two...fingers crossed." I said.
"But I know your career is picking up."
"So?"
"Wait...you actually want to do it?"
"Of course I do; I don't want our kids to be more than six years apart. I would like to get all my pregnancies out of the way so I can go get a boob job, maybe a tummy tuck...so let's say if in six months of us making sure we are both leveled and happy, we'll get the ball rolling, deal?" I gave her my pinky, and she got all teary-eyed, nodding as she wrapped her pinky around mine.
"Deal."
We talked for over an hour, sometimes joking and other times laying our shit out.
She hated that I didn't try more with giving Daniela more attention, and I agreed.
My baby girl needed me; I saw that.
"I will help you be a better mom to her."
"That makes me feel like I'm shit, B."
"But you're not, and with me around, I'll make sure that you don't become like your mom."
"May she rest in peace." I muttered...feeling the sting of how much my mom was dismissive of me for most of my life. "I'll do better."
"Good...is there anything you'd like me to work on?" B asked, "Other than taking my meds and not hurting you."
"Drinking. If you could maybe do it only at big events, or something, not every day."
"Absolutely. When I started craving alcohol at crisis, I knew it was becoming a serious thing. So, yes, I'll only drink once in a while."
"Thank you."
"Can we talk about Angie?" She asked, and I nodded.
"What do you want to know?"
"I need to know I'm not completely crazy. You're attracted to her, right?"
"Of course, I love women, but more than that, I LOVE me, and she reminds me of me. So, of course, I'm attracted to her, but I don't want to fuck her or for her to fuck me. I only want you."
"Say that again." Britt said, looking all cute.
"I only want you."
"You know...it would be a shame to waste this hotel room just talking." B said, her eyes moving down to my chest. "I mean if you want to...only if."
How was she both confident but unsure?
"I always want you, B."
"Do you mind if I follow your lead though, after hurting you, I owe you that?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, please."
I pressed my lips against hers and then pulled back and yanked my dress up over my head.
Her eyes were on my tits, but she wasn't moving.
"I'm yours, B...if you want my tits, then have them."
That was all the permission she needed as she unclasped my bra with one hand before yanking it off of me.
I groaned when her lips captured my nipple.
Her other hand was rubbing between my legs, over my lace panties.
"You're so wet." She said when she looked at me. "How long have you been like this?"
"Since I picked you up...instant wetness."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah...it's what you do to me, only you."
Britt stood up with me in her arms, and walked us to the bedroom, but when she put me on the bed, she didn't climb in after me. Instead, she undressed while I watched.
And more wetness, fuck.
When she was on the bed, I flipped us and took control of things without our old tricks.
This felt different, almost new but so familiar.
It was like coming home, over and over.
We fucked until we were both spent, and the darkness that had still clung to her from when I picked her up was gone.
She was smiling in her sleep.
My phone buzzed, and I stumbled from the bed to answer it.
"Yeah?"
"Where the fuck are you?" Q barked."You told us to wait for you to eat, but I am hungry. It's been like two hours!"
"Right, sorry, we stopped to hash shit out."
"Is that code for fucking?"
"Only a little bit."
"Get here, please?"
"I have to wake her up, maybe take a shower before we get back on the road."
"Separate showers, Santana!"
"Yes, ma'am."
"I'm serious."
"I promise."
"Thank you...how long will it be? People are getting antsy."
"Yeah, right, they are probably just getting there!"
"Okay, yeah, so maybe it's just me getting antsy. I'm hungry."
"Well, I can't get ready if you don't hang up."
The line went dead, and I cackled, waking Britt in the process.
"Is my party still happening?" B mumbled, her face still in the pillow.
"How'd you know?"
"I can read you like a book."
"That was Q. She's hungry...she told us to shower separately."
"Fuck that, come shower with me; I'll make it quick."
And who was I to deny her that?
Only a weak human who was in love with orgasms.
Brittany's POV
Nothing felt real.
How had we talked so much like adults and not screamed at each other?
And then we had awesome sex?
Like, come on, this was stuff I couldn't even dream of.
I woke up to Quinn yelling at her on the phone and watched her face flush when suggesting shower sex.
She was sad.
Even with talking and sex, I could tell that she was still holding her mom's death close to herself.
She'd barely cried.
And I needed her to let it out before she told her sisters because they were going to hit her with all the questions, and she needed to be strong.
Or at least, I needed her to let it out in the safety of my arms.
So we climbed into the shower, and she pulled the hotel shower cap over her hair before grinning up at me, even though her eyes were still sad.
"Your mom died." I said to her, and her face dropped.
"I thought we were going to have sex again." She pouted.
"Ana, baby, your mother is gone...have you let yourself really feel it?"
"No...not...not really." She was cracking, and I needed that to continue for her own sanity.
"Let go. I'm here to catch you, I promise."
"B...I can't. I...I'm trying to be happy for you."
"You don't have to. I have my own light, and it's super bright right now, but yours is dim."
"It is?" She squeaked, looking so fucking cute while her eyes watered a bit.
"Yup, come on, tell me about that last moment."
"Oh...um...it was the middle of the night; she'd just had this coughing fit that startled Quinn and me awake."
"Q was there?"
"Yeah."
"Good, that makes me feel so good. You asked her to be there?"
"Yes."
"That was good; you would have probably left and done something stupid. I'm proud of you." I said, wanting to encourage her.
And then she bit her lip while tears started to come.
Good.
"Mami started talking about...stuff...and-" She tried to skip stuff, but I stopped her.
"What was she talking about?" Ana dropped her head and mumbled, but I cupped her chin and lifted her face until she looked at me again. "Tell me."
"She wanted me to move on from this marriage and marry Quinn."
"Ha!" I grinned. "She always did like Quinn more than me."
"Yeah...I told her that you were it, and she was about to argue, but then more coughing and a final squeeze of my hand before she was just...gone."
"She went out lecturing you...that sounds on brand." I joked, and Ana laughed.
"Yeah, it does...it really fucking does." She was laughing, but then it quickly turned to sob against my chest. "Fuck!"
"Don't fight it, Baby. Let it out."
She pressed her face against my neck and wept. Her body shaking under the steamy water, and I just rubbed her back for as long as it took her to work through her hurt.
And when she finally pulled away, her eyes had a little spark, and her light was a little brighter.
"Thanks, B."
"Gotta let that poison out...I'm here whenever you need it."
"I could use an orgasm." She said, sounding so pitiful.
"Is that how you ask?"
"Please?" She said, batting her eyelashes.
I sunk to my knees then and looked up into those beautiful eyes.
"Say less, Baby."
I sucked her clit into my mouth, and she hissed.
"Can I...fuck...still call you Daddy?"
I pressed my fingers into her and pulled back to take a breath.
"Yes." I said before going back to work.
She gripped my hair and called me Daddy until she came hard against my mouth.
When we finally climbed out of the shower, her light was even brighter, and I was going to work like hell to keep it that way.
I got in the driver's seat while Ana worked on her makeup, while she hummed along to the radio.
"So, where are we going?"
"I moved us out of Sue's house because I needed a studio...and the kids needed a pool. I am renting a house in Santa Barbara."
"Why did we move?"
"We needed the space. You should know that your parents moved in with us."
"Really?"
"Yeah, your mom was worried about me, so she asked if she could stay to help me through this grief...and to be there for you."
"Tell me the house is big enough for us to have loud sex?"
"It's a mansion...I was feeling fancy; it has a studio and a guest house...that's where your parents are."
"Thank God."
"Angie, though, is staying in the house with us."
"I'm sure she's heard us more than once." I said, and then a Britney Spears song came on, and I was done talking.
We danced and sung for the twenty-minute drive to a freaking mega-mansion.
"Holy shit." I said, and Ana shrugged.
"This place is full of oversized mansions, I figured, why not enjoy it before going back to New York living."
"Our house isn't small, though."
"No, but it's not mansion-sized...this is only until the end of the month."
"Good, I really do want to get home."
"About that...we kinda need to make a detour to Puerto Rico first to spread Mami's ashes."
"Oh yay...I mean, not yay your mom's ashes, but like yay, I've always wanted to go there." I was rambling as I parked in the driveway. When I put the car in park, Ana leaned over the console and kissed me.
"I knew what you meant."
"So, we will go and party...I'll act surprised, and then you need to tell your sisters because I know they're in there."
"They are."
"I'll be there as much or little as you want."
"I want you there."
"Then I'll be there."
"And you'll never stop, right?" She looked at me with a moment of doubt.
"Never ever." I kissed her back and then happened to glance up towards the house, and there, standing in the massive doorway, was Quinn. "We should go...she has her HBIC face."
"Oh shit...yeah, let's go."
Ana held my hand as we climbed the stairs up to the giant door.
"Are you ready, B?"
"Sure...how surprised should I act?"
"They'll guess that I told you if you act too excited."
"Right, so like Rachel Berry is performing the solo happy?"
"A Santana and Rachel duet...where you were excited for me but felt like it should be you singing."
"Got it...okay. Open the door; I don't know how long I can pretend."
I was sarcastic until we walked into the house, and Christmas music was playing. There was a big Christmas tree in the living room, and the entire family was buzzing around like they did before I ruined stuff.
And Quinn was standing there, hands on her hips, tapping her foot with a Santa hat on.
"I can't believe you did this for me." I said to Ana, and she squeezed my hand. "Had to make up for what you missed...plus tomorrow is our anniversary...so you know, had to go big."
"You remembered?" I hadn't wanted to bring it up.
"Of course I did, January 12th...the day I finally wifed you up, how could I forget?"
"Are you two finished? Can we eat yet?" Q asked, stepping into our space, and then she looked up at me. "You good, B?"
"Amazing. I'm sorry that I almost knocked you over."
"I heard. You're forgiven...well, you will be when you let me eat."
Ana sighed, "Q, go grab something, seriously; no one will stop you."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive, just don't be obvious about it." Quinn hugged us both and then moved towards the kitchen as fast as she could.
I was looking around, but the kids weren't in the room.
And then, I heard little feet and turned towards a hall I'd already passed.
Izzy was running towards us with a giant grin on his face, and he was looking right at me.
"Mama!"
I crouched down for him and opened my arms, "Hey, buddy."
He threw himself into my arms and hugged me tightly with no fear, or tears...or anger.
When I stood up, soaking up the joy of my son not hating me, I looked to Ana.
"You did this?" I whispered, and she smirked.
She stepped close so that only me and Izzy could hear her.
"Yes, I did. What did I teach you about being mad and touching people with it."
He got serious as he looked at me.
"Hitting, hurting is not nice, Mama. You hurt Mami. Did you say sorry?" He raised his little eyebrow, and I resisted the urge to smile.
"I did talk it out with both of them." Ana added.
"Izzy see you're sorry?" He asked.
I turned to Ana and caressed her face. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Mami...I won't do that ever again. Okay?" Izzy watched with a satisfied look on his face.
"Okay, Mami?" He asked, acting as her protector even though he barely reached my waist, but I approved of his being that way.
"Yes, Papa, I'm okay." She ruffled his hair and then looked at me. "Thank you for saying sorry."
Izzy hugged me again, then patted my back, "Good job, Mama. Do you feel better?" He asked me, then pulled back and looked into my eyes.
Then he wiped my face and waited for my response.
"Yes, Buddy, I feel so much better."
I walked further into the living room with Izzy pointing out everything like he'd done it all himself.
"Where's Dani?" I asked Ana, and she looked around then back at me.
"No idea, she hides a lot...makes me nervousw, Papa. Do you know where Beba is?" Ana asked Izzy, and he nodded, then pointed upstairs.
"Dani, time out." Ana sighed.
"I'll go see what that's about. You stay with him."
I watched Ana walk away and immediately missed her. Izzy tugged on my collar and pointed to the tree, so I carried him that way, even though I wanted to go upstairs.
"We have Christmas for you. You surprised?"
"Yes."
"Yay!"
I looked back towards the stairs, and Ana had Dani on her hip, with Sandra just behind her.
Dani was looking around the room with an angry face, then she saw me and turned away, burying her face against Ana's neck.
I couldn't win them all on the first go. Dani was going to make me work for her forgiveness, and because she was a mini version of her Mami, I knew that just meant extra attention.
Now that I was unemployed and a dropout, I had plenty of attention just for her.
"Who's hungry?" Ana called out, and everyone held up a hand.
Quinn came out of the kitchen, chewing something and raising her hand. "Me."
"Well, let's go family, we have food to eat and presents to open."
"Even us?" Evan asked, his voice sounding deeper than the last time I'd seen him.
"Duh! This is our late Three Kings. Everyone has one awesome gift after dinner."
"You're the best, Titi, ever!" He said, and his other three Titis all looked at him with that Lopez glare.
"What?" He said.
"She didn't even buy you a gift. I did!" Ceily said, and he turned towards her.
"You're the best Titi ever, then."
"Ah no, too late. Who wants Evan's gift?"
All the kids raised their hands, and I burst out laughing.
Dad sat in the chair next to me and pulled me close. "I missed that million wat smile, Britt."
"Me too, Dad...but don't worry, it's not going anywhere."
"Good girl." He kissed my head, and then the feast began.
I had never seen Quinn eat so much.
Celia watched with glee while Ana watched in horror.
This was it...my family, just how it should be.
I felt a bit of sadness when I saw Ana staring down at her plate, shoulders slumped, light a little cloudy.
"Hey." I whispered to her, and she looked up at me.
"Mami should be here." She mumbled.
"She's here in you, Baby."
She nodded and then tried to smile.
But it didn't reach her eyes.
"Distract me." She said.
"No problem." While everyone ate and the kids were occupied, I ran my hand up Ana's thigh and squeezed. "Daddy's got you." I growled into her ear, and she shivered.
"Oh, come on! There are children present! Get a room!" Quinn said from across the table, and everyone burst out laughing.
"It's a Christmas miracle!" Evan said, and Celia popped him over his head.
"Thanks, Daddy." Ana said, nibbling my ear. Of course, Quinn didn't scold her; she just stabbed her chicken in frustration.
I whistled, and Celia looked up, then I nodded my head towards Quinn and winked.
Celia nodded, then got up, moved over to Q's chair, and leaned in close to her ear.
I didn't think Q would jump at the chance, but she mumbled through a bathroom excuse before letting Celia drag her from the table.
Ana cackled, "I guess we weren't the only ones who needed a room."
"Stuff it, Lopez, Quinn yelled from the stairs."
"Oh, I plan to."
"Eww Eww Eww." Evan said, covering his ears. "Maybe you're right Tio, I am too young for the adult table...can I go back with the kids?"
"Serves him right." Ana said.
"Hey! You're still my favorite." He said to Ana, and Mari plucked him.
"As your mother's twin, you should know that I, by default, will always be your favorite."
Evan blushed and nodded, "Sorry, Titi Ana...Titi Sandra, Titi Mari makes a fair point."
Mari looked around, waiting to be challenged, but no one dared.
When everyone went back to eating, though, Evan winked at Ana, and she smirked.
She was still the favorite.
"You so earned that PlayStation." She said to him.
This time he was smart enough to smile and not choose favorites.
Smart kid.
A/N: The pandemic has kept my big Puerto Rican family separated...this last bit was an ode to them. Two chapters in two days...I did that!-NR