A/N:  Yay!  I'm back from Germany!  It was awesomenessly funness, even if most of the teens in the group were superficial and stupid, therefore I had no one to talk to for two weeks.  But oh well.  You guys get to read more about my Germany trip inside the chapter.  Anyway, I do have a favor to ask.  When I got back yesterday, I found that my oldest cat had, in probably the last twelve hours or so, become extremely sick.  We immediately took her to the vet, where they informed us that she had no more than a few hours to live, at the most.  So yesterday, at approximately 3:15, Xandra, one of the bestest cats to have ever lived, was put to sleep.  I want to ask all of you to pray for her, please.  I miss her so much.  This chapter is dedicated in her memory.  (This author's note was written on June 26th.)

Chapter 9 – Torturing People for No Good Reason Is Fun!

            Allee rose above the stands, her ponytail circling wildly.  She finally reached the desired height, and cleared her throat.

            "Lords and ladies, students and teachers, humans and nonhumans, and fictional characters and nonfictional characters!  Let us give a big round of applause to the Gryffindor Quidditch team, for they won the game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            Everybody started cheering, and Allee waited to speak some more until they quieted down.

            "Let us also give a huge cheer to the Animorphs!  Their first time ever on brooms, and they caught the snitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            There was another shout from the crowds, though it was quieter than before.  Harry remained conspicuously silent, glaring at the snitch in Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob's tentacles.

            Allee spoke again.  "In consequent of what has happened, Oliver Wood will now be Keeper for the Winbourn Wasps!"

            Much more applause broke through the stadium, loudest of all from the Gryffindor stands, especially from the team.  Oliver quickly ran a victory loop around the field, doing as many tricks as he could on his broom.  As he zipped around the field, his scarlet and gold Gryffindor robes changed to the black and yellow (A/N:  I don't have Quidditch Through the Ages with me right now; a friend is borrowing it, so correct me if I'm wrong) of the Wasps' robes.

            "Also, for the amazing feat of the Animorphs, I feel that they, too, deserve a prize."  With a puff of smoke, seven packages appeared in Allee's hands.  "German chocolate.  From Germany.  'Tis very nummy, if I must say so myself."

            In the announcing stands, Shawna's and Cassi's eyes grew wide.  They looked at each other, awe in their faces.  "CHOCOLATE!"

            Cassi grabbed Remus' hand, and then she followed Shawna down the steps onto the field, dragging the werewolf behind her.  They smacked right into Lenny, who was also dashing for the field.  After the four of them stood and dusted themselves off, they continued their mad run for the chocolate.

            Allee threw a box of chocolate at each of the players of the Animorphs team.  With differing levels of enthusiasm, they took them. 

            Ax took one look at the box and nearly gagged.  He tossed it over his shoulder, where it fell to the ground – or, at least, it would have if Shawna hadn't leaped into the air and snatched it.

            "Mine!  All mine!"

            "I don't think so," Lenny said.  She proceeded to leap onto Shawna and start fighting her for the box.  Cassi, too, joined in the fray.

            "Oh, brother," Erek (who had magically been restored to his normal self and was now hovering above the Quidditch field) sighed.  He looked at his chocolates, shrugged, and tossed it down to the three girls.

            "Mine!"

            "No, mine!"

            "No!  Give it to me!"

            "I say that it's mine!"

            Allee rolled her eyes.  "Just share it!  There's two boxes and four of you, including Remus.  Each of you can have half."

            Cassi gave Shawna a dirty look and pulled the box from her grip, then brought it over to Remus so they could share.  Lenny and Shawna took a box for themselves, too.

            "Anyway, now that that's over with," Allee began, "I have a few more announcements to say.  These concern various groups, whether they are the Animorphs, the people in the Harry Potter universe, my lovely readers, or Carl." 

Allee sent a sweet smile in his direction, but there was something more malicious in her eyes.  In the stands behind Hermione, Carl felt his skin crawl.

"First of all, I think we all need to give a huge hand to my good friend Cassie!  She posted chapter eight of this ficcie while I was in Germany!"

Allee, Carl, Shawna, Cassi, and Lenny broke into applause.  From the sky, too, came thunderous clapping as all of Allee's thousands of adoring fans thanked Cassie.

Allee continued.  "Cassie's penname on FFN is morpherkidvb.  She's good.  If you guys really want to show her how much you appreciate her help, go read and review her stuff."

Once again from the sky came a noise, but this time it was a voice.  "YEAH!  Go read my stuff!  I'd love you forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever-"

"Cassie?" Allee asked.

"Yes?" came the voice in the sky.

"Can we please get on with the story now?"

"Oh, yeah, sure.  Sorry."

"That's okay.  But like I was saying, thank you, Cassie.  Next is an announcement that should interest all members of the Harry Potter universe.  And it is:  BOOK FIVE CAME OUT ON JUNE 21ST!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THE STORY OF YOUR FIFTH YEAR IS KNOWN, HARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The four spastic girls from the real world started cheering wildly, even getting up to dance across the Quidditch field.

Harry knitted his eyebrows together.  "I thought that it was September right now?"

Alicia shrugged.  "Don't ask me how that psychopath's mind works.  Or her world, for that matter."

"So yeah, I was able to find a British bookstore in Vienna (I went to Austria and the Czech Republic while I was in Europe, too) on the Friday before Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out.  It was holding a party starting at ten that night and everything," Allee said.  "So I showed up there wearing my choir costume, which was supposed to look like some sort of medieval robe, and said that I was Fleur, and I partied all night.  I even met three really cool people, two of which are on FFN!  Their pennames are Wildcard and Shampoo.  Their real names, respectively, are Amila and Maria.  Go read their stuff.  Anyway, I got my book, and it's even the British version!  So none of the words have been changed!  And then I got on TV with about five other people because we were shouting "POTTER FOR PRESIDENT!  POTTER FOR PRESIDENT!" and then I started humming the tune from the movie, and everybody else joined in, and then some other girl came running up and popped open a bottle of champagne right in front of the camera.  It was great.  And my daddy was interviewed by the newspaper because I forced him to dress up, too!  And it was just awesomeness.  And the British version is sooooo cool.  And the cover art is so pretty…."  Allee sighed happily.  "Oooh, and I got it six hours before all my friends in Dallas and Minnesota!!!!  That was exciting."

"…I still don't see what the big deal is," Carl said.

Allee froze and turned blazing eyes on Carl.  She stretched her arm out, literally, until it was long enough to reach him, and then she smacked him across the back of the head.

"Owwie…"

Allee took a deep breath.  "Now that I'm in a bad mood, I get to go ahead and do my rant about what happened.  So this is a warning to all my lovely readers.  DO NOT READ THE NEXT SECTION IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE FIFTH BOOK YET!  IT CONTAINS ABSOLUTELY HUGE SPOILERS!!!!!  THE BOOK WILL NOT BE WORTH READING IF YOU READ THE NEXT SECTION!  FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOT FINISHED, I WILL LEAVE LOTS OF SPACES BETWEEN THIS AND THE SPOILER SECTION, AND THE SPOILERS WILL ALL BE WRITTEN IN BOLD.  WHEN THE BOLD WRITING IS FINISHED, YOU MAY START READING THIS CHAPTER AGAIN."

Realizing what Allee was about to start talking about, Cassi burst into tears.  Shawna, also crying, patted Cassi on the back to console her.  Lenny's lips started trembling and she threw herself on the ground, her shoulders shaking.

Remus' eyes brightened when he realized that the girls had forgotten their chocolate.  He snickered and gathered it all up for himself.

Allee, also now quite teary-eyed, looked around the stadium, then locked eyes with Harry.  "Most of you," she began, "have heard of the notorious Sirius Black."

There was a gasp from all the students, the three that came from Harry, Ron, and Hermione meant something different than the rest.  Unlike the other underage wizards, they knew the truth about Sirius and were concerned for, rather than scared by, him.

Allee rolled her eyes.  "Oh, shut up, he's innocent.  Innocent.  He didn't do anything.  Didn't kill anybody."

Marco glanced at Jake.  "Oh, yay, now we get to deal with a not-a-murderer."

"Who knows if we can believe Allee…  I wouldn't be surprised if this serious guy is a is-a-murderer."

Marco groaned.  "Jake.  No.  You're making bad jokes.  Again."

"They're not that bad-"

"Shut up, let's see what Allee has to say," Rachel cut in, flying closer to Allee after she said it.  There was an odd gleam to her eye as she soaked in Allee's every word.

"I'm getting a bad feeling about her…" Erek whispered.

"I don't blame you, so am I," Tobias said.

"She's listening to Allee a tad too closely."

"…she and Allee are too much alike…  I just hope Allee's not giving her ideas about the best ways to torture the rest of us."

"Oh, God."

"Exactly."

Allee gave them a sharp look, and they instantly fell quiet.  "Anyway," continued Allee, "J. K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, decided to be a bloody idiot and kill Sirius in the fifth book."

"No!" Hermione cried, turning to Ron to sob in his arms.

"What?  No!  No!"  Remus' eyes were wide, and he turned to Cassi, his eyes pleading that it wasn't true.  Wiping the drops from her eyes, Cassi nodded yes, it was.

Harry froze like he had been hit by a body-binding curse.  "Sirius is dead?"

Allee wiped away a tear.  "No."

"But you just said-"

"No.  I said Rowling killed him.  This is my ficcie, though, and Rowling has no business here.  So when I say that Rowling is a bloody idiot for killing my little old Sirius, I mean that Sirius lives in my fic.  So yeah.  He's still living, no matter what that evil hag says."

"Yes!!!!  Go Padfoot!  Live!  Live, I say!  Live!  Live!  Live!!!!!"  Remus grabbed Cassi's hands, and they started jumping up and down with each other, spinning around in circles.

"However," Allee once again began, "there is hope for the real series."

Silence fell over the crowd.

"I went to my speech pathologist today, and we talked Harry Potter the entire time.  When I started ranting about Sirius, she began to tell me her theory about his death.  She doesn't think he really died.  And her reasons make sense.  You see, when Bellatrix-"

Neville gasped from the stands.

"-hurled the curse at Sirius, we never actually found out what curse it was.  It's quite possible that it was not the killing curse.  And, since there was no body to check for pulse or anything, we can't know that he's dead.  Since the curtain was in the Department of Mysteries, nobody knows what's behind it.  Sirius could be behind it, alive and well, but nobody would ever know.  Harry did hear voices behind it, which implies that there is some sort of life behind it.  Just because Sirius fell back there does not mean he's dead.  Besides, it's about time for Rowling to have some huge plot twists, since there are only two books left.  Harry needs Sirius.  Granted, he also needs to feel the pain of losing a father-figure in order to be able to kill Voldemort, but he still needs Sirius.  And, with as much of a big deal as they made about the Department of Mysteries in the book, it can't be completely finished with.  Rowling is a master at bringing random bits of information, characters, etc. into a story and making them seem unimportant or trivial, when, in fact, they later come back to play a huge part in the story.  So Harry must go back to the Department of Mysteries at one point to discover the secret of the veil.  Especially because the readers of the series will probably kill Rowling if she doesn't reveal what the curtain is about.  And because of these reasons, there is hope for Sirius' life."

Cassi, Shawna, and Lenny all stood, goggle-eyed.  "Dude!"

Allee nodded.  "I am eternally grateful to my speech pathologist for telling me all this."

There were plenty of confused mutterings from the teachers as they contemplated all of this.  Perhaps they would, one day, understand one of the mysteries of the wizarding world.

"But, anyway, other things to rant about in the fifth book:  Fred?  George?  I love you forever and ever for the way you treat "Professor" Umbridge.  And the way you left the school with a bang was absolutely great.  I was laughing sooooooo hard.  Oh, in fact, all professors here, I love you forever and ever for the way you treat Umbridge.  Especially you, Professor McGonagall.  For everything you did to Umbridge in the book, you get this."

A box of German chocolates large enough to fill Hagrid's hut landed in her lap.  No one could see her under all the chocolate, but if her squawks had any meaning behind them, it was that she was more than just a little flustered and surprised.

"Oh, and something else…"  Allee glared in the direction of the Ravenclaw students.  "Cho Chang!  Get over here this instant!"

In the Ravenclaw stands, a short girl stood up, confusion written all over her face.  She quickly ran out of the seats and onto the field below Allee.

"Listen here, Cho.  YOU KEEP YOUR DIRTY MITS OFF OF HARRY!!!!  NO MORE KISSING HIM!!!!  HE AND GINNY ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER, AND HE DOESN'T NEED ANNOYING PEOPLE LIKE YOU TO GO KISS HIM!  DIE!!!!!!"

Cho shrieked and curled into fetal position on the ground as Allee swooped downwards.  However, the Alleecopter passed over Cho and instead went to the stands, where she snatched up her computer and moved back to the center of the Quidditch field.

"I am glad to announce that Harry no longer has any feelings for Cho whatsoever, but still, she's in trouble for even attempting anything with Harry.  Especially now that Cedric is alive again!"

Cedric blew a kiss at Cho from the Hufflepuff stands.

"So now, the people who deserve punishment because of what they did in book five will get what they deserve!  UMBRIDGE!  KREACHER!  BELLATRIX!  SNAPE!  ALL CENTAURS EXCEPT FIRENZE!  GET OVER HERE NOW!!!!!!"

From all around the stadium, people and centaurs began zipping through the air to join Cho on the ground, until at last, everybody that Allee had named sat there, fearfully looking around at their surroundings.

Allee grinned and typed something into her computer.  There was a puff of smoke, and a blonde girl with a prosthetic left arm, a prosthetic right leg appeared.  She was actually quite pretty, like a model.  She looked around for a moment, confused.

"Taylor!  What's up?"

Tobias looked again at the new arrival and promptly fell off his broomstick in a dead faint.  Rachel zoomed down to him, trying to wake him up while alternately giving Allee and Taylor dirty looks.

"Um…  How am I in Taylor's body and where am I?" asked Taylor.

"I said you should be."

"Oh, okay."

"Anyway, Taylor, see these people here?"  Allee motioned towards Cho, Umbridge, Kreacher, Bellatrix, Snape, and the many centaurs.  "These are new people that you get to torture!"

"Ooh, really?"

"Yeah!"

"Fun!  Thanks!"

"No problem.  If you head over to the lake over there, you'll find your fun little mind-torturing machine."

"Yippee!"  Taylor giggled.  "Come along now, my good little victims.  Ooh, I even get to torture screwed-up looking Andalites!"  She started walking in the direction of the lake, but all her victims stayed put.

"SHE SAID TO COME ALONG!" Allee yelled.

"Eep!"  Cho jumped and started walking behind Taylor.  She bent over to Kreacher and whispered, "I don't know who this Taylor person is, or what she's going to do to us, but she has to be better than Allee…"

Allee smiled at everybody, ignoring the horrified looks from the Animorphs.  "Anyway, now that that's finished, we can move on with the rest of the announcements.  You'll find them below, no longer written in bold, for those idiots who haven't finished Order of the Phoenix yet."

Allee continued.  "So, now I get to tell you guys a funny story from Germany.  In fact, it has to do with my dear little Carl.  Carl, come here, won't you please?"

Allee's smile was not very welcoming, but Carl timidly came anyway.  "Um…  I'm afraid."

"You should be.  Anyway, Carl, tell everybody what your daddy dearest said to you before I left."

"…I told him that I wouldn't get to see you for two weeks because you were going to Germany, and he said, 'Well, you know what they say, "Absence makes…"' and I finished it for him: '"…the heart grow fonder"?', and he said, 'No, the girlfriend get a new boyfriend!'"

"Precisely.  So I teased Carl about how I was going to leave him for a hot German guy.  I teased, and I teased, and I teased.  But then I stopped teasing.  Because it came true."

Carl jerked his head around to look at Allee.  "WHAT?"

"I left you for a hot German guy.  His name is Heinrich, and he has blonde hair, and brown eyes, and he's not freakishly tall like you, and he can yodel!"

"No!"

"But yes.  Sorry, Carl, but I have a new boyfriend now."

Allee typed in some things on her computer, and with a puff of smoke, somebody fitting Heinrich's description appeared on the ground.  He looked around and waved.

"Guten Tag."

Allee shrugged.  "He doesn't speak a word of English, so I can't ever tell what he's saying.  But that's okay, we understand each other anyway.  Isn't that right, Heinrich?"

He looked up and nodded.  "Ein' feste burg ist unser Wiener Schnitzel."  He blew a kiss up at Allee.

Carl turned purple with rage.

"Love you, too, Heinrich!"  Allee grinned stupidly for a moment, then turned back to Carl.  "So, um, yeah.  Since I have Heinrich now, I have no use for you.  Bye!"

She typed a few more short things into the computer, and suddenly Carl disappeared.

In a show of his superiorityness over Carl, Heinrich began to yodel.

"So, um, where'd you send Carl?" Cassi asked.

"Azkaban."

"Oh, okay."

Just then, an owl zoomed from the sky over to Lenny, and dropped a copy of the Daily Prophet in her lap.  It flew off, not asking for money, for once.

"What's this?"  Lenny turned the paper over and glanced at it.  Her face turned bone white when she saw the headlines.  "Allee, what is the meaning of this?"

"Of what?"

"This!"  Lenny turned the paper for Allee to see.  Scrawled across the top was the phrase, "Mysterious Muggle Boy Imprisoned for Revealing the Wizarding World to London!".  The picture under it showed Jared, running across England.

Allee bit her lip.  "Oh, um…  That…  Yes…  Well…  At least he has Carl there to keep him company now?"

Lenny screamed and lunged at Allee.

A/N:  Ooooh, cliffie.  Teehee, I'm so evil.  Anyway, yeah, that was the chapter, I hope you liked it.  But I have a few things to say now.  First off, I have some shameless advertising to do for two fics of mine that barely have any reviews…  Not long ago, I posted two assignments I had to do for theology in the Bible section of FFN.  One is the Gospel According to Allee, and the other is a psalm I had to write.  They're kinda cool, I think.  Especially the gospel.  Jesus gets to be a phoenix.  Sure, Mr. S. didn't like it too much, but that's just because he had just had surgery and was in pain and was taking it out on students.  I still got a good grade, compared to others….  Meh.  Anyway, I would really really really appreciate any reviews I could get on those two fics.  Yeah.

Kristen Goddess:  I'm really sorry, but I can't answer your question about Tonks on the back of the book.  Like I said, I bought the British version while in Vienna, and all the bookstores near me are out of the American version, so I haven't even seen it.  Sorry I can't help.

Kay13:  LOONS WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD!  THE PENGUINS ARE THEIR DEVOTED SERVANTS AND WILL HELP THEM!  HA!