Chapter 11 – Darn Birds!
There was silence for a moment. Finally, it broke into Tobias' loud thoughtspeak protests.
WHAT? You mean I have to compete against a bird?
Rachel cleared her throat and looked at Tobias.
No, I mean a REAL bird! That's so… demeaning! To compare me to a dumb animal!
Rachel cleared her throat again.
I mean… Ack, I mean that I've got a human mind, whereas that thing is stupid! It's an owl, for crying out loud!
"Actually, I thought that in Western opinion, owls were thought to be quite wise," Ax pointed out.
"Very cool birds, to say the least," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob added.
Harry nodded and stroked Hedwig's feathers. "Don't listen to that mean old hawk, little Heddie-poo. You're a very smart birdie."
Tobias looked helplessly around the circle. Please tell me that at least one other person on this court agrees when I say that my human mind is much smarter than the birdbrain?
Rachel, Jake, Marco, and Erek raised their hands. Everybody else just blinked.
Well, that makes me feel loved. Gee, thanks everybody. Thanks a lot.
"You must remember, Tobias, Hedwig is an owl of the wizarding world. She's special," Allee said.
Yeah, and so are you, Tobias muttered. You're very special. And if I had fingers to make quotes with, I would.
"Really? Thanks, Tobias!"
Seriously, it's not even dark yet! I'll have an unfair advantage over the birdbrain! If you're going to make me compete, at least put me in a fair contest!
"I did. Anyway, here's some string-" Allee grabbed the pieces of string that had appeared as she typed "-so we'll tie the letters to your ankles."
Rachel and Harry each took a piece of string and a letter and attached them to the leg of their favorite bird.
"Okay, bring them to Jared in Azkaban! On your mark, get set, go!"
Hedwig hooted once, then soared up into the sky.
Tobias looked around morosely. Don't I even get directions?
"You've got a superior human brain, remember?"
The hawk gave Allee a dirty look, then jumped into the sky. The air caught his wings, and he rose above the Quidditch field.
Hey, anybody want to give me directions to Azkaban? he could be heard shouting as he faded to a little speck on the horizon.
Allee watched him disappear and then typed one last thing into her computer. She cocked her head as if listening to something far away, then grinned. "Alright, she's set," she said to Lenny, Cassi, and Shawna.
"Wait," Rachel said, "you never said what the race would decide."
"Oh, yeah," Allee said. "Whoever wins gets to marry you."
"WHAT?"
"Sorry, I couldn't resist."
"You can't do this to me! I'll marry whoever I want! I… I…"
"You're saying you don't want to marry Tobias?" Shawna asked.
"Well, no, but… WHAT IF THE STUPID BIRD WINS? I CAN'T MARRY A BIRD!"
"Yes, you can," Lenny said. "You just don't want to."
"DIE!"
Rachel's shoulders suddenly grew bulky and shaggy brown fur sprouted out around her. Her teeth grew sharp inside her mouth.
"Sorry, no morphing to kill me allowed, Rachel," Allee said, typing something into her computer. Rachel started demorphing, apparently unwillingly by her moans.
"Good… Now that all that's taken care of… MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!"
The Animorphs and the wizards looked at one another in confusion.
"Christmas?" Marco said.
"Yeah, remember the whole thing about how time flows differently in our universe, depending on how long it takes for Allee to write a new chapter?" Cassi said. "Well, today's Christmas!"
Heinrich started yodeling in tune to "Jingle Bells".
"Oh."
"And to celebrate, I've planned a little party for us."
Allee grinned, then started typing furiously into her computer. Random things started popping up around them, from a Christmas tree with lots of presents under it to a very long, very fancy wooden table with many chairs placed around it. Christmas lights appeared all around the field in marvelous patterns and arrangements. At last, a scrumptious feast appeared on the table, larger and more delicious-looking than any feast anybody on the field had ever seen before in their lives.
"Oh, oh, food!" George and Fred both yelled, and then they both darted for the table.
"Wait!" Allee said. "You have to wait for the guests!"
"Guests?" Alicia asked. "What guests?"
"Right there," Shawna said, and she pointed into the sky. Sure enough, a tiny speck had formed directly above the group. Soon, many other specks appeared, until thousands covered the sky.
"What in the world?"
"Not from this world," Shawna clarified. "I give you… The fans of this fanfic!"
There was a stunned silence.
"You mean… The people who read and enjoy this insanity?" Jake said slowly.
"Precisely!" Cassi said. "They're wonderful people."
"We're doomed. It's a bunch of Allee-worshippers, come to enjoy our torture," Marco said, his head hanging.
"Oh, don't worry, Marco! They all love you," Shawna said.
Harry looked up at the specks, slowly growing larger and larger. "What are they going to do to us?"
"Oh, don't worry about it; they'll just eat, open their presents, and leave."
"You promise?"
"No."
"Oh, dear…" Katie said, watching as the dots grew.
***
Tobias' wings were getting kind of tired, and somehow he didn't think he was headed in the right direction. Nobody had been willing to give him directions…
Lots of water under him, he noticed. Had been for a while. Water. Water. More water. Lots of water. Maybe he could dip down for a drink… It was hard work sailing over the water, where there weren't any thermals…
Tobias stopped flapping and let himself sink downwards. Water would be so nice in his mouth. He was only a few yards away, then a few feet, a few inches. He opened his beak to let the cool water flow in.
Salt!
Tobias closed his mouth and flapped away as hard as he could, trying to get away from the nasty salt water. And he had been so thirsty, too… He wasn't rising at all. Too much work, too little rising warm air.
This sucks.
Suddenly, Tobias felt himself shooting upward, his stomach soaked, and he was tumbling through the air. A whoosh of air from under him threw him higher.
Hey! What the-
Tobias finally caught himself and turned himself upright. He looked down to see the sleek body of a whale surfacing to take a breath. Another whoosh of air came as the whale exhaled and sent out a plume of mist.
Watch where you breath, blubberbreath, Tobias muttered.
Watch your mouth, the whale answered.
Tobias froze, then started to fall as he forgot to flap. He started again, now in shock.
Who are you?
I could ask the same thing about you, buster.
I asked first.
The whale sighed, shooting out more water droplets and air through its blowhole. Fine. My name is Aftran, and-
Aftran?!
Yes…
Aftran. It's Tobias.
What?
The whale slowed to a stop, then disappeared under the water. Tobias hung overhead when suddenly, the water split and a gigantic whale head burst through the surface. One huge eye goggled at Tobias as he circled.
It is you! What in the world are you doing here? Where is here?
Another universe, Tobias said. Some psychopath named Allee brought me here. Apparently, in her universe, there's an entire book series about us. She's writing a story now to torture us, and she's in complete control.
So we're in her universe?
Not quite. There's another book series called Harry Potter, about some stupid wizard kid. I don't like him much. He thinks his darn owl is smarter than me. Anyway, Allee crossed over the two series in the story. We're in Harry's world.
Why am I here?
I have no idea. She must have plans you take a part in or something… How and when did you show up?
About an hour ago. I was just swimming along, minding my own business, when suddenly this purple silt surrounded me. When it cleared, I didn't know where I was, and the water tasted… different.
About an hour ago… hmm…
What's she going to do to me? What's going on?
I have no idea. I don't suppose you know where a place called Azkaban is, do you?
Never heard of it.
Didn't think so.
Sorry.
Silence for a moment.
Hey, Aftran… Is that land I see up there?
Um… Maybe…
Yeah! It is! Maybe that's Azkaban! In his excitement, Tobias flopped back and forth. His wings were aching.
Calm down, Tobias. I know you don't like flying over water. Morph dolphin or something. We can swim over together.
Sounds good. Are dolphins faster than owls? I'd better beat that stupid birdbrain… Show them.
What have you suddenly got against owls?
Don't even ask. Has to do with Allee, the stupid Harry's stupid pet, and Allee's insane friend's boyfriend.
Oh.
Yeah. I'll morph dolphin now.
Tobias took a deep breath, shuddered, and let himself fall into the ocean. His feathers melted away as he became a dolphin.
So, you have any ideas at all as to why Allee might bring me here?
Nope.
None?
Nope.
You have to have at least one.
Nope.
C'mon, tell me!
I don't know.
Please?
Tobias sighed and jumped up into the air. Even the playfulness of the dolphin mind wasn't enough to cheer him up. Listen, I'm cranky and tired, okay? I don't like the water, and I don't like Allee. I just don't want to think about it.
Oh, okay.
A pause.
Please tell me?
Tobias sighed and raced ahead, hoping the whale wouldn't catch up with him.
***
Hedwig merrily flew along over Stonehenge on her way to Azkaban. She was making good time; she might even be able to stop for a mouse with Pig, currently delivering a letter to Mrs. Weasley. Hedwig referred again to the WGPS (Wizarding Global Positioning System) chip implanted into her brain right before she began work as a mail owl and adjusted her course slightly. She'd be in Azkaban in no time.
***
"You know, Jared, I tried pointing and laughing at you, but that's gotten old, and now you're just being whiny. Won't you please shut up?" Carl said.
"You're the one whining, Carl. You're the one whining at me."
"Only because you were whining before."
"Well, I'm a better whiner than you."
"That's not something to be proud of."
Jared fell silent. "You know, today's Christmas."
"I know. Ten months since Allee and I started going out. Or, it would be ten months, if it weren't for that jerk Heinrich."
"Look who's whining now."
"I'm just stating a fact."
"Whiner."
"Listen, today's Christmas. My present to you will be to shut up, but only if you give the same present to me."
"Fine."
"Fine."
"Whiner."
"Imbecile."
"Texan."
"Non-Texan."
"Allee's a non-Texan, too. Insult me with that, and you insult her, too."
"I thought you gave me the present of silence."
"You insulted Allee, idiot. Hey, Allee! He said it, not me, okay? PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"
Carl looked at Jared for a second. "You realize that she's going to smack you now, right, just because you asked her not to?"
"Darn…"
"Now shut up."
"You shut up."
"You first."
They both shut up as they heard the voice of Jeeves the dementor come closer.
"Thirty people with happy thoughts in their heads, thirty people with happy thoughts! Take one down, kiss…"
Carl and Jared humphed at one another, then sat down facing opposite directions. They weren't about to look at one another.
"Yeah, if they kiss one of us, it'll be you first."
"You."
"You."
"You."
And so the lack of shutting up continued in the cold dungeon where two guys from a different universe lay imprisoned because of the psycho named Allee.
***
Back on the Quidditch field, Allee was having lots of fun putting up some final Christmas decorations before her guests arrived. They were only a few hundred feet up in the air now, descending slower than freefall because of the large parachutes attached to their backs. The Quidditch team, the Animorphs, and Erek quivered in terror as the expressions on the faces of these fans of the story became clear: They all wore the same maniacal grin Allee generally wore.
Finally ready, Allee looked up and waved. The hundreds of fans waved back, their faces lit up with the delight of having a new chapter to read and even be a part of.
"This is insane," Marco whispered to Jake.
"Yeah. Who knows what these freaks will do to us?"
Harry edged over to them. "I'd pull out my wand, but somehow I don't think it'd work…"
"I think you're right."
Rachel and the Weasley twins walked over and joined the discussion.
"We could jump Allee, steal the computer," George suggested.
"Yeah! Let's do it! I'm not marrying some stupid bird!"
Allee's face snapped in their direction. "Don't even think about it!"
"And Hedwig's a smart bird…"
"Hey, Harry… Isn't Hedwig a girl?"
"Actually, yeah, Angelina, she is…"
"Allee! Rachel can't marry Hedwig; she's a girl!"
"Oh yeah…"
Allee typed a few things into the computer.
"Not anymore she's not!"
The first of the fans landed, followed by a multitude of others. They formed a line behind Allee, who introduced them as they walked forward to take their place at the dinner table.
"This is ilovepotc4eva, and here's ichia400, who is sadly deluded into thinking something as ludicrous as a toucan could take over the world, and then this is Snuggs, and here's FacelessName, and WolfYoukai, Queen of Chibis; Alana Hikari-Chan; mackaronie 9; Kay131, who is also sadly deluded. She thinks the penguins will take over."
Allee shook her head sadly.
Kay131 lifted her chin. "They will! Just watch! Penguins – ATTACK!"
From the presumed wormhole above the Quidditch field that led to the real universe, a legion of black specks poured into the air. Thousands appeared, until the sky was matted in black and white tuxedo patterns.
Unfortunately, because the penguins were not fans of the story, they were not automatically supplied with parachutes. And because penguins are useless and can't even fly, that meant some serious doom for the attacking birds.
The penguins plummeted to the ground, piling up around everybody's ankles. After the first group, though, there was a blubbery, feathery, soft mass for the rest of the penguins to fall onto, so they survived. With loud squawks, they gathered into a legion and started rushing towards Allee and everybody else on the Quidditch field. Kay131 stood, her face shining with joy.
Allee rolled her eyes.
She typed just a few simple things into her computer. A new wormhole opened up next to her, and thousands of radioactive loons poured from it, uttering their noble battle whoop. Their red eyes glowed as their lasers and spacecraft made short work of the penguins. Within seconds, the penguins were destroyed, and the loons were victorious. The loons hooted in triumph, and Allee, Shawna, Cassi, and Lenny, the loon followers present, grabbed the brooms and dustbins Allee had made appear and cleaned the penguin entrails from the Christmas decorations. One loon, the largest, wearing a crown, turned to Allee and warbled something, most likely a thank you. Allee warbled something back and bowed before it. Shawna was next on her knees, followed by Cassi and Lenny. The Quidditch team, the Animorphs, and Erek exchanged a nervous glance before they, too, fell to their knees and bowed before the loon king. After a second, Allee looked up and gave an evil look to all around her, and everybody but Kay131 prostrated themselves before the champions. The loon king hopped over to Kay131 and pecked her in the back, and she fell into a bow, too. Then all of the loons returned from where they came, and the Quidditch field was mostly back to normal. It had all taken place within just a few minutes.
"See, Kay131? The penguins could never stand up to the might of the loons!" Shawna said.
Kay131 hung her head. "Aww… Oh well."
She trudged over to the banquet table and took her place.
"Anyway," Allee continued, "here's Liaranne, and gyver21, and Brutal2003, and morph, and heartsyhawk, and Wottabout, and Jess16, and Dslguy14, and Angel Sari Neko Jeminie Indigo, and MoonPrincess9, and oobergoober, and Kristen Goddess, and o.O Sylina O.o, and Hermione Granger4, and allison, and TheSilverWolf, and Katrina, and Arinya, and lovelyinsanity, and bride-of-lister, and Tobias Wesley, and shock, and morpherkidvb. Hey, fans, remember morpherkidvb? Cassie? She's the one who uploaded the chapter when I went to Germany! Yeah. And here's Red-Ruby2, and CrypticKid451, and chelz-aelle, and KutendKrazy23, and Kate, who's not really a fan, but she's read a couple of chapters, and medevil pricess, and trojjer, and Dragon-of-the-flame, and UKHoneyB, and GazzadaSpazza, and Lost Soul, and confused-otakuprincez, and Andrew Joshua Talon, and Furide-chan, and amythest, and Moon-Dragon, and download, and Elfy19, and Dreamergirl, and Skittle the Sugar Fairy, and Will-Write-For-Pocky, and Cyber Death, and Gohan1, and chibigreenwizardmon, and The Wandering Blue Andalite, and krazygurl, and Queen Isa – you know, Isa, I haven't talked to you in forever. Hey, Kay131, meet Isa! She's the head of the Sydney Lucky Ducks, the loon-following faction in Sydney, Australia! And here's Myst, and Nogard, and Teresina Dragonwagon, and traycon3, and Mordecai Kairo, and Stephanie, and mickEmousina, and Lydia, and Amber, and morphboy, and Alexia Goddess, and AnGeLiNdIsGuIsE1! I expect you character-types to be nice to them! Say 'Happy Christmas,' now."
The characters from the two book universes sighed. "Happy Christmas."
The last few people took their places at the table, and everybody started passing around food.
"At least we get food out of it," George said.
"Yeah…" Fred said.
Rachel lowered her voice and looked conspiratorially at the other book characters. "Seriously, I think we should steal the computer. We could do it!"
"Rachel, every time you come up with an idea, we all end up screaming and running like mad to avoid death. This time, we would all end up screaming and running like mad to avoid Allee, who's even worse than death. I think I'll continue to try to be nice," Marco said.
"But we would make ourselves free!"
"We can think about it," Zsa-Zsa Billy Bob said. "After all, I don't think we'll be leaving any time soon."
"Yeah," Katie agreed. "We'll think about it."
"We'd better. I'm not marrying a female bird."
"So how do you think Hedwig's doing?" Harry asked.
"We'll find out eventually," said Erek.
"I hope she-that's-now-a-he dies. I'm not marrying her-that's-now-a-him."
They sighed, and went back to eating. Or, in Erek's case, incinerating food inside the hologram.
"Alright," Allee said after everybody had had enough time to stuff themselves, "time for presents! Everybody has one under the tree!"
The mad rush of fans jostled over to the tree, and there was much rejoicing as they all got one useless present after another.
Rachel finally got a hold of hers, a small box. She opened it to find a beautiful diamond ring. Also inside the box was a short note: "Rachel, will you marry me? Love, the winner of the race."
Rachel hung her head.
"I've got to find a way out of here…"
***
I'll wait here for you, Aftran said to Tobias when they had gotten too close to the shoreline for her to come any further. Do you think it's Azkaban?
I have no idea…
Good luck.
Aftran submerged, and Tobias swum over onto her back. After he was in place, she surfaced, and Tobias had a semi-dry place to morph back to hawk.
Thanks, Aftran. I'll see you soon.
Bye!
Tobias jumped off Aftran's back and flapped hard to get himself into the air. At last, he was high enough to really fly, and soon, he was by the cliffs that rose out of the ocean. Some great thermals came off of them, so he rode them up, then soared into the land.
His wings were aching after hours of flying, but at last he saw lights on the horizon. A city.
With renewed energy, Tobias soared towards it. Maybe Azkaban was in the city.
The closer he came, the more the energy drained from him. He was starting to feel discouraged. He hadn't heard anything about a big city…
Then, he knew he was in the wrong place. He had to be.
A metal tower stretched up into the air, even above him.
The Eiffel Tower.
And somehow, Tobias didn't think France was letting England shove its magical criminals into Paris.
***
Crayak felt her very atoms squeezed apart as she drained through the bottleneck of the black hole. She screamed.
And then there was no pain. There was nothing.
And then more pain again, and this time she felt like she was being pushed out of the bottleneck, not into.
Pain.
Oblivion.
Ended.
Crayak opened her little-girl blue eyes. Amazing that she still could.
She looked around.
She was in a universe not unlike the Animorphs universe. Quite similar, in fact.
A star nearby, familiar. And nine planets revolving around it. An earth.
Crayak snickered, then skipped towards that solar system. It wasn't too long a walk, and soon she was plummeting through the stratosphere of the third planet from the sun. Luckily, as an all-powerful being, she didn't burn to a crisp.
She crash-landed. When she finally opened her blue eyes, she was in the middle of a field. Barley, she thought, surrounded her. She saw a small town not all that far from there, so she started walking towards it.
At last, she saw the name of the town: Rottenburg. There was some German underneath it. Apparently, she had landed in a Germany in an earth of an alternate universe.
She shrugged. This was as good a place as any to start taking over the world.
A/N: Well, everybody, happy Christmas! I hope you enjoyed your Christmas present, and I'm sorry it took so long to post it. Everybody enjoy your break!
Kay131: …You are mistaken! I do not lead the loons! I am a follower! I follow the mighty loons, as do about fifty other people worldwide!!! And the loons are not cowards! They have proven themselves as nobles and worthy and brave creatures! So bow, Kay13! Bow before their might, and beg their mercy!
Also, DUDE, you're doing Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat??? That's my favorite musical in the ENTIRE WORLD! I saw it with Donny Osmond and everything! And I have the CD in my car! I listen to it all the time! And I tried to get us to do Junior and the Amazing Really Red Dreamcoat as our Intramurals theme last year! And I know all the words to all the songs!!! *Allee starts singing*
Joseph's mother, she was quite my favorite wife.
I never really loved another all my life.
And Joseph was
My joy because
He reminded me of her!
Through young Joseph, Jacob lived his youth again
Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could but then
It made the rest
Feel second best
And even if they were-
Being told we're also-rans
Does not make us Joseph fans!
But where they had really missed the boat is
We're great guys but no one seems to notice!
Joseph's charms and winning smiles
Failed to slay them in the aisle!
And his father couldn't see the danger!
He could not imagine any danger.
He just saw in Joseph all his dreams come true.
Jacob wanted to show the world he loved his son.
To make it clear that Joseph was the special one
So Jacob bought his son a coat -
A multicolored coat to wear!
Joseph's coat was elegant, the cut was fine.
The tasteful style was the ultimate in good design.
And this is why
It caught they eye!
A king would stop and stare!
And when Joseph tried it on
He knew his sheepskin days were gone!
Such a dazzling coat of many colors!
How he loved his coat of many colors!
In a class above the rest!
It even went well with his vest!
Such a stunning coat of many colors!
How he loved his coat of many colors!
It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue!
Joseph's brothers weren't too pleased with what they saw.
We have never liked him all that much before.
And now this coat
Has got our goat!
We feel life is unfair!
And when Joseph graced the scene
His brothers turned a shade of green!
His astounding clothing took the biscuit.
Quite the smoothest person in the district.
I look handsome, I look smart!
I am a walking work of art!
Such a dazzling coat of many colors!
How I love my coat of many colors!
It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and blue!
*Allee stops singing and takes a deep breath*
YAY!
*Allee starts singing again*
Joseph's coat annoyed-
*The nice men in white jackets sneak up behind Allee and gag her, and they drag her off into the van to be taken back to the big house where she gets to take the candy that makes her happy while she kicks and screams*