It seemed strange to Harry that Hogwarts continued on as usual despite everything that had happened. Classes went on as always, with Hermione putting every other student to shame and Ron and Harry keeping up. Harry had gotten all the owls he needed to continue training to be an Auror (even in potions) but he didn't really care. It wasn't that he didn't want to becom an Auror exactly; it was just that he never really planned for the future anymore. He assumed Voldemort would kill him before it arrived.
His classes, his meals, and even quidditch all continued as they had every other year. All of his teachers were the same except for the new defense against the dark arts teacher, who wasn't particularly notable. He was a quiet wizard from Canada that seemed far too normal to have accepted the purportedly cursed position. When Harry asked, Dumbledore said he was an old friend of Professor McGonagall's.
There was something very strange about all this normalcy. Sirius was dead. Voldemort had returned and everyone knew it. How could they act so normal?
But then, sometimes even Harry found himself forgetting everything. Ginny would test some of Fred and George's products on an unsuspecting Slytherin or Ron and Hermione would get into an especially amusing row and Harry would lose himself in laughter. And then he remembered, and this new world seemed unbearably wrong.
---
What really worried Hermione was how Harry did his homework. He did all of it thoroughly and early--sometimes days before it was due, sometimes before she did! Normally, she would have been happy about his improvement but there was something terrible about the way he did it. She noticed it one day when Harry was furiously scribbling away and Ron made the offhand comment that "he sure was punishing himself." Ron had just meant that Harry was working hard, but his comment sparked something in Hermione's mind. She realized that his labor reached these fevered pitches of intensity right after he had really enjoyed something--when he, Hermione, Ron and Ginny went on a picnic, when Neville accidently hexed Malfoy, when Ginny had initiated an impromptu pillow fight. Hermione realized that he really was punishing himself. He was punishing himself for being happy and that terrified her.
One night Harry didn't come down for dinner. Ginny asked Hermione and Ron if they knew where he was and after a moment's hesitation they all raced up to Gryffindor tower, where Ron had seen him earlier. They found Harry sitting and staring off into space.
"Harry, mate-" Ron began and then halted as Harry's head snapped up.
"Sorry. Wasn't hungry." Harry looked away again.
Hermione grasped Ron's arm and he said "Ginny, maybe you should leave us alone."
"No, Ron," Harry said, "She's my friend just as much as you two are."
Ron's expression showed surprise, but he shrugged it off. Hermione nodded and nervously began to speak. "Look, Harry, you need to talk to someone. If you don't want to talk to Ron or me--or Ginny--talk to Dumbledore or Hagrid; we could even get in touch with Professor Lupin! You can't pretend you're all right." Harry clenched his fists. "I mean... of course you're all right, but... you know what I mean, don't you?" They could practically see the air around Harry crackling as his anger grew. Hermione wasn't letting him go just yet though. "Please, Harry, just talk to someone about all this!"
"And what am I going to tell that person?" He paused, breathing heavily. "I'm not all right. I know I'm not, and so do you, so what the bloody hell do we have to talk about?"
"There's no need to blow up." Ron touched Harry's shoulder but he shoved it away as if Ron's hand was the filthiest thing on earth. "We understand-"
"No you don't!" Harry was furious. He was screaming. "You don't understand anything, you just bumble around making puppy dog eyes at Hermione and think some stupid conversation is going to fix me! Here's a hint you clueless moron: fix yourself! Then we'll talk!"
Harry ran out. Ron stared at the spot where Harry had been standing and then collapsed on a couch. Hermione tried to comfort him, but he was too stunned to even notice her efforts. Ginny, of course, followed Harry. He didn't appear to realize she was there as he thrashed off the quidditch pitch and sat down in the stands. Ginny took a deep breath and sat next to him. He didn't seem surprised. Ginny didn't really have anything to say, so she just sat there. Nearly ten minutes passed that way.
Finally, Harry looked at her. "Aren't you going to tell me to talk?"
"Well, we all saw how well that worked before."
"Is Ron... is he ok?"
"He'll be fine. But you shouldn't have said that."
"I know."
There was another long silence, but it wasn't so uncomfortable anymore.
"You were right though, about Ron not understanding. He's never done anything to make him experience... real guilt."
Harry's gaze darted to her face, searching her eyes as if the answers to all his questions would come tumbling out of them at any moment. "But you would?" he asked. Ginny bit her lip but didn't say anything. Harry thought for a moment. "The chamber of secrets? But nobody died!"
"They could have."
"But that wasn't your fault! Voldemort was manipulating you!"
"He manipulated you too!"
There was another long silence.
"Harry, don't worry. I got over the chamber of secrets a long time ago. I know it wasn't my fault, any more than Sirius' death was yours." Harry's gaze pierced her yet again. "What? You want me to dance around it? I know that doesn't help--pretending it didn't happen doesn't help, Harry."
"I know. I'm glad you're... honest. I was just surprised." Harry paused. "Perhaps... we should go back. Ron and Hermione are probably about ready to call the police."
"The what?"
"Er... it's a Muggle thing.
---
Ginny was furious. It had been two weeks since she and Harry had talked and he was acting like nothing had happened. Ginny was not about to let him drive himself crazy sulking. He had been in the shower room for at least an hour more than all the other boys after quidditch practice. Nobody could possibly take that long to shower! He was no doubt sitting in there and staring at the wall!
So, she barged in. He wasn't sitting. He was still in the shower. Naked. Ginny squeeked. Harry blushed and moved to grab a towel. Ginny squeeked again and tripped all over herself in her haste to get outside.
"Er... Harry... er... I need to talk to you. I'll just... er... wait outside."
She heard Harry laughing from within. Harry called out to her "Sounds like a brilliant idea, that. Waiting outside, NOT going into the BOY'S shower room." Ginny could feel a fierce blush sweeping across her face. When Harry came out she could not meet his eyes.
"Harry. I know you don't want to hear this but Hermione was right. You need to--I mean--bottling it up isn't going to help! I know it sounds cliche, but... it's true. You need to stop this... this brooding."
He looked at her neither angrily nor sadly, but curiously. "What do you want me to do?"
"Tell me... what you were thinking about. That would be start"
He stared at her. Despite all the pain that flowed inside them, his eyes were still the most beautiful things she had ever seen. Ginny was trapped by them, she couldn't move, her heart beat wildly-- she felt like an animal cornered by the hunter.
Then the young wizard broke his own spell by speaking. "I was thinking that... do you ever feel like you don't belong here?
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know." He turned that haunted gaze to the ground, avoiding Ginny's questioning glance. "I just... well, you know how you have your family? And Ron does too, and he also has Hermione, and Hermione has him--even if they're still in denial. I was thinking about how first my parents died, then Sirius died, and how everyone around me is always in danger. Perhaps I'm not supposed to be here. Perhaps Voldemort was supposed to have killed me."
Ginny's mouth gaped open in utter shock as she stood speechless. She found her speech soon enough though.
"You daft git! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
Harry looked startled and then smiled.
"What?" Ginny asked.
"You know, you're cute when you're angry."
Harry headed off to transfiguration. Ginny was frozen, her eyes wide with disbelief.
'Did he just say...?'
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Ok, my finals are coming up (eep!) So my story is going on a 2 week hiatus. Sorry!
Peace out ~_^
His classes, his meals, and even quidditch all continued as they had every other year. All of his teachers were the same except for the new defense against the dark arts teacher, who wasn't particularly notable. He was a quiet wizard from Canada that seemed far too normal to have accepted the purportedly cursed position. When Harry asked, Dumbledore said he was an old friend of Professor McGonagall's.
There was something very strange about all this normalcy. Sirius was dead. Voldemort had returned and everyone knew it. How could they act so normal?
But then, sometimes even Harry found himself forgetting everything. Ginny would test some of Fred and George's products on an unsuspecting Slytherin or Ron and Hermione would get into an especially amusing row and Harry would lose himself in laughter. And then he remembered, and this new world seemed unbearably wrong.
---
What really worried Hermione was how Harry did his homework. He did all of it thoroughly and early--sometimes days before it was due, sometimes before she did! Normally, she would have been happy about his improvement but there was something terrible about the way he did it. She noticed it one day when Harry was furiously scribbling away and Ron made the offhand comment that "he sure was punishing himself." Ron had just meant that Harry was working hard, but his comment sparked something in Hermione's mind. She realized that his labor reached these fevered pitches of intensity right after he had really enjoyed something--when he, Hermione, Ron and Ginny went on a picnic, when Neville accidently hexed Malfoy, when Ginny had initiated an impromptu pillow fight. Hermione realized that he really was punishing himself. He was punishing himself for being happy and that terrified her.
One night Harry didn't come down for dinner. Ginny asked Hermione and Ron if they knew where he was and after a moment's hesitation they all raced up to Gryffindor tower, where Ron had seen him earlier. They found Harry sitting and staring off into space.
"Harry, mate-" Ron began and then halted as Harry's head snapped up.
"Sorry. Wasn't hungry." Harry looked away again.
Hermione grasped Ron's arm and he said "Ginny, maybe you should leave us alone."
"No, Ron," Harry said, "She's my friend just as much as you two are."
Ron's expression showed surprise, but he shrugged it off. Hermione nodded and nervously began to speak. "Look, Harry, you need to talk to someone. If you don't want to talk to Ron or me--or Ginny--talk to Dumbledore or Hagrid; we could even get in touch with Professor Lupin! You can't pretend you're all right." Harry clenched his fists. "I mean... of course you're all right, but... you know what I mean, don't you?" They could practically see the air around Harry crackling as his anger grew. Hermione wasn't letting him go just yet though. "Please, Harry, just talk to someone about all this!"
"And what am I going to tell that person?" He paused, breathing heavily. "I'm not all right. I know I'm not, and so do you, so what the bloody hell do we have to talk about?"
"There's no need to blow up." Ron touched Harry's shoulder but he shoved it away as if Ron's hand was the filthiest thing on earth. "We understand-"
"No you don't!" Harry was furious. He was screaming. "You don't understand anything, you just bumble around making puppy dog eyes at Hermione and think some stupid conversation is going to fix me! Here's a hint you clueless moron: fix yourself! Then we'll talk!"
Harry ran out. Ron stared at the spot where Harry had been standing and then collapsed on a couch. Hermione tried to comfort him, but he was too stunned to even notice her efforts. Ginny, of course, followed Harry. He didn't appear to realize she was there as he thrashed off the quidditch pitch and sat down in the stands. Ginny took a deep breath and sat next to him. He didn't seem surprised. Ginny didn't really have anything to say, so she just sat there. Nearly ten minutes passed that way.
Finally, Harry looked at her. "Aren't you going to tell me to talk?"
"Well, we all saw how well that worked before."
"Is Ron... is he ok?"
"He'll be fine. But you shouldn't have said that."
"I know."
There was another long silence, but it wasn't so uncomfortable anymore.
"You were right though, about Ron not understanding. He's never done anything to make him experience... real guilt."
Harry's gaze darted to her face, searching her eyes as if the answers to all his questions would come tumbling out of them at any moment. "But you would?" he asked. Ginny bit her lip but didn't say anything. Harry thought for a moment. "The chamber of secrets? But nobody died!"
"They could have."
"But that wasn't your fault! Voldemort was manipulating you!"
"He manipulated you too!"
There was another long silence.
"Harry, don't worry. I got over the chamber of secrets a long time ago. I know it wasn't my fault, any more than Sirius' death was yours." Harry's gaze pierced her yet again. "What? You want me to dance around it? I know that doesn't help--pretending it didn't happen doesn't help, Harry."
"I know. I'm glad you're... honest. I was just surprised." Harry paused. "Perhaps... we should go back. Ron and Hermione are probably about ready to call the police."
"The what?"
"Er... it's a Muggle thing.
---
Ginny was furious. It had been two weeks since she and Harry had talked and he was acting like nothing had happened. Ginny was not about to let him drive himself crazy sulking. He had been in the shower room for at least an hour more than all the other boys after quidditch practice. Nobody could possibly take that long to shower! He was no doubt sitting in there and staring at the wall!
So, she barged in. He wasn't sitting. He was still in the shower. Naked. Ginny squeeked. Harry blushed and moved to grab a towel. Ginny squeeked again and tripped all over herself in her haste to get outside.
"Er... Harry... er... I need to talk to you. I'll just... er... wait outside."
She heard Harry laughing from within. Harry called out to her "Sounds like a brilliant idea, that. Waiting outside, NOT going into the BOY'S shower room." Ginny could feel a fierce blush sweeping across her face. When Harry came out she could not meet his eyes.
"Harry. I know you don't want to hear this but Hermione was right. You need to--I mean--bottling it up isn't going to help! I know it sounds cliche, but... it's true. You need to stop this... this brooding."
He looked at her neither angrily nor sadly, but curiously. "What do you want me to do?"
"Tell me... what you were thinking about. That would be start"
He stared at her. Despite all the pain that flowed inside them, his eyes were still the most beautiful things she had ever seen. Ginny was trapped by them, she couldn't move, her heart beat wildly-- she felt like an animal cornered by the hunter.
Then the young wizard broke his own spell by speaking. "I was thinking that... do you ever feel like you don't belong here?
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know." He turned that haunted gaze to the ground, avoiding Ginny's questioning glance. "I just... well, you know how you have your family? And Ron does too, and he also has Hermione, and Hermione has him--even if they're still in denial. I was thinking about how first my parents died, then Sirius died, and how everyone around me is always in danger. Perhaps I'm not supposed to be here. Perhaps Voldemort was supposed to have killed me."
Ginny's mouth gaped open in utter shock as she stood speechless. She found her speech soon enough though.
"You daft git! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"
Harry looked startled and then smiled.
"What?" Ginny asked.
"You know, you're cute when you're angry."
Harry headed off to transfiguration. Ginny was frozen, her eyes wide with disbelief.
'Did he just say...?'
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Ok, my finals are coming up (eep!) So my story is going on a 2 week hiatus. Sorry!
Peace out ~_^