A/N: OK, I lied. We're doing Cinderella for this next part. Hey, don't look at me like that!! o_o WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME??? GO AWAY!!!
I apologize for not updating in... forever. It's not that I don't have enough time, I just don't feel like writing x_x my inspiration is thinning... DNUGIVHTUIE KH2 NOW _O
Why aren't people making more fics with the redhead Unknown in them?? YOU DON'T NEED NAMES!! Margret is a fine name, I think ^^
Margret: No it's not!
Quiet, you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whilst Blackcoat was doing yaoi-ish things to Margret to appease the almighty Polygon of Doom, Little Blond Prancing Boy had merrily stopped screaming and flailing his arms in favor for holding his picnic basket and prancing along, totally intent on giving his grandmother these oh so important drugs.
Drugs in the medical sense, he thought.
However, little did Little Blond Prancing Boy know that his assistance would soon be needed, and that he would change the course of history for a small kingdom before he knew it.
This kingdom I speak of is called... The Unnamed Kingdom Which Stayed Unnamed Because the Author Is Freaking Lazy!! Didn't see THAT one coming, did you? Of course not!
In this kingdom, there was a house that ... housed... a family of all women. There used to be males, but the women were feminists and had kicked the males out, but not before castrating them all. Mwahaha.
The women in that house were rich, oh so very rich. The 'mistress' of the house was a woman clad in pink, named Aerith. She looked gentle, but under that smile and pink was a cold, cruel, selfish woman who really regretted being a mother.
The other two girls were Aerith's spoiled brats: Yuffie and Selphie. Yuffie was a tomboy and often enjoyed beating the crap out of any male in the area who dare even looked at her face. Selphie was a hopeless romantic and did such the opposite, hitting on anything that had a penis.
And then there was... Kairi. Kairi was not Aerith's child, she was the child of the dude who used to be married with Aerith. Aerith would have kicked Kairi out too were it not for the fact Kairi was female. So now poor Kairi was forced to be the family slave, but being the happy go lucky girl she was, Kairi grinned and bore it.
Naturally, these girls dedicated their lives to making Kairi's life miserable, ESPECIALLY since today was the day the king of this Unnamed Kingdom was going to hold a ball for his homosexual son, Riku.
Everyone knew that Riku was gay, but the king had refused to accept it, and he had told Riku that either he pick a girl to become the Queen or he was gonna force Riku to marry the ugliest bitch he could find.
Riku was a smart lad, so you know what he picked.
"Stupid author!" I hear you grumbling. "What the hell does this have to do with the story?"
Patience, dear reader!
The invitation to this ball had already arrived in everyone's Inbox, so on that fateful day Kairi logged on to her old Windows 95 crap computer with dial-up AOL, she was delighted to find an actual message waiting for her!!
"Oh, wow!!" She grinned. "Someone knows I exist!" Quickly, she pranced to Aerith's room at the top floor and was about to knock on it...
...when a pair of rough hands snatched her by the shoulders and flung the poor redhead from the door to the cold, hard, marble floor of despair and doom. Kairi hissed and scuttled away from the door, plotting death on the cackling Yuffie.
Yuffie and Selphie of course had beat her to the door, so they had pranced in and requested if they could go to the ball, which if COURSE Aerith accepted. If one of her brats became Queen, that would mean lots of money... and POWER for Aerith.
Kairi, meanwhile, had already scuttled out the door, still plotting death and doom to all of them. She had overheard the noisy girl's conversations and how they specifically asked that Kairi not come, because Kairi was way prettier than the both of them combined.
"They will all perish! PERISH!!" Kairi screamed, once she got to the animal pen where all the future dinners were kept. The animals just looked at the ranting raving girl and shrugged, living out their meaningless existence by eating and growing fat, tender and juicy.
Now, back to Little Blond Prancing Boy.
Little Blond Prancing Boy, in his haste to escape from Blackcoat's House of Love, had taken a wrong turn at Greenland and was now hopelessly lost. There was no more trail for him to follow, and he worried so much for his dear grandma.
"Oh no! Woe is me!" Little Blond Prancing Boy cried in anguish, sinking to the ground on his knees. The picnic basket grew bored of his self-pity time and started bouncing around, making squishy noises.
That was when Little Blond Prancing Boy heard screaming, wailing noises that sounded like the souls of the damned. He squealed in delight, as he identified these sounds as 'civilization' and he quickly pranced in the direction of the sounds, the picnic basket bouncing along.
Little Blond Prancing Boy's prancing feet had led him to the small animal pen, where Kairi was thinking to herself on how to destroy her evil step-sisters once and for all. She had already planned it in her mind... the house ablaze, the sisters and that pink slut screaming as their flesh was being burned... Yes!
"WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!" The crazed girl laughed, making dramatic arm movements.
"Why hello, simple village girl!" Little Blond Prancing Boy chirped, his eternal grin plastered on his face.
"Why hello, overly happy boy from city!" Kairi grinned back, somehow knowing that Little Blond Prancing Boy was from the city. Maybe it was the overly bleached clothes that gave it away. No normal villager would have the money for BLEACH.
"Do you happen to know the direction of Grandma's House?" Little Blond Prancing Boy asked again.
"Yes!" Kairi nodded, somehow knowing which grandma Little Blond Prancing was referring to.
"Do you suppose you could-"
"NO!"
Little Blond Prancing Boy backed away slowly, for now the simple village girl was hissing and sputtering and trying to reach over the fence that mercifully divided the two so that she could grab his sugary heart and eat it.
"I'M SICK OF PEOPLE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO! YOU! BOY! HELP ME BURN DOWN THIS VILLAGE OR FACE MY WRATH!" She hissed, pointing to the boy and holding a carving knife in her other hand.
Little Blond Prancing Boy gulped. He had a feeling that carving knife was not for his heart, but for his sensitive testicles. Tee hee, I said testicles.
"B-But... burning down a village is wrong..." He sputtered. Of course Little Blond Prancing Boy would not help the rabid village girl burn down the town! That was something only silver haired maniacs who spent their time reading about their messy, uneventful birth in some old library!
"Hey! My birth was not uneventful!" Sephiroth screamed from the author's mental bishie cage. He has subsequently hit with a shoe by Ansem.
"Ah, you did not know? This is a village of cannibals! I'm for dinner today!" Kairi pleaded, trying to make up something to convince the boy to join her legion of evil.
"... Cannibals??" Little Blond Prancing Boy replied, shock coursing through his veins. "You mean they eat innocent children!"
"Why, yes! The family over there-" Kairi indicated, pointing to the mansion where her hated "family" resided. "-had Baby Pot Roast yesterday! Oh, the screaming..." She whimpered, covering her ears in mock horror. "... It was so terrible..."
"HOW TERRIBLE!!" Despite the fact that burning down a village was considered manslaughter, the fact these people eat BABIES was something totally different. Little Blond Prancing Boy knew that he had to help save this poor girl and save the rest of her captive friends, assuming there were still some left!
"I will help you!" Little Blond Prancing Boy agreed, posing heroically. "Though I don't think we have to burn down the town..."
"Yes, we do. I'm the last survivor of their last raid, and they will attack other towns to obtain food!" Kairi hissed, prodding a finger in Little Blond Prancing Boy's manly chest. "They may even attack your city next!"
"... But my city is at least a da-"
"THEY WILL SLAUGHTER ALL THE ADULTS AND EAT THE CHILDREN!!" Kairi ranted on, grabbing Little Blond Prancing Boy's overly bleached shirt and shaking him with much fury.
"OK OK OK OK!!" Little Blond Prancing Boy squealed, flailing his arms and pushing the mad girl away from him. Why did all the cute ones had to be crazy?
"Excellent..." Kairi plotted, bending down and watching the sand, a plan formulating in her mind. Little Blond Prancing Boy figured she must have been thinking, so he sat down with her and started to open the picnic basket.
He did not expect the picnic basket to snarl and snap down on his hand, driving it's splintered teeth through his fleshy hand.
"AUUGH! PAIN!" Little Blond Prancing Boy wailed, waving his bleeding, throbbing hand in the air, and rolling around in pain while the picnic basket cackled and bounced along, taking pleasure in the pain it caused.
Kairi chose to ignore all this and continue scratching out her plan. So far, it involved lots of kerosene, a few Chocobos and some pie. Pie is tasty.
~~~
Meanwhile, Margret was laying on his side in Blackcoat's bed, half asleep, He was murmuring something about having the best sex in his life and Blackcoat lay beside him, arm draped over the delirious Unknown's side and a cigarette in his mouth.
"Mmmm... picnic basket..." Margret mumbled, turning over and snuggling in Blackcoat's side. Blackcoat shrugged and continued to smoke while Margret was trying to remember what picnic baskets had to do with pink elephants.
"Elephants... getting high... drugs... IN THE PICNIC BASKET!" The redhead screamed, bolting up and surprising his partner, who had dropped the cigarette on his lap and started squealing as a small flame began to devour his coat.
"I GOTTA GO!! I CAN'T FORGET MY MISSION!" Margret told Blackcoat, having gotten out of his drunken stupor. The redhead started struggling with the task of hopping to the door while trying to put on his pants, whilst his angry sex partner was trying to put out the fire that just got bigger.
"Hey! Get bac-" Blackcoat was cut off by the sound of the door slamming. The fire had stopped threatening to consume Blackcoat's ... black ... coat... and just sat there on his lap, crackling in confusion.
Blackcoat was just as confused as the fire was.
"... I got laid tonight!" He grinned with glee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm splitting this chapter in half for the sake of Brenda's printer XD
So, anyway, I'll try to get the next chapter done, but not anytime soon x_x I have an essay and a stupid report for stupid religious classes which I have no choice to decide about.