Milliardo Peacecraft awoke to the smell of bacon, and the sound of children playing downstairs. He knew right away that, no, he wasn't quite back home yet, and that he was still very much in the midst of his "glimpse". Yet, for some reason, he didn't seem as displeased with it has he had been the morning before.
He rolled over, to find Noin's side of the bed empty, something that he was quite relieved with. It had taken all his willpower the night before not to take advantage of the situation... Heavens know he would have been more than willing, had she not believed him to be somebody else.
"She could still make a killing, even after two kids," he caught himself thinking, then immediately slapped himself mentally for having such unorthodox thoughts towards a married woman. One, no less, who used to be his best pal, and was now married to his "good" counterpart.
He resolved to make a mental checklist of all the things that he had learned so far from the glimpse. He figured the more he could come up with, the shorter his stay would have to be, the sooner he could be back to his real life, dealing with all those things that, thrilling or not, were familiar to him nonetheless. The office, the diplomatic tours with his sister, those gun-damned figures that were still sitting on his desk waiting to be properly analyzed, for all he knew...
And so, he began. This Christmas, he had learned...
* That Relena can't cook worth diddley, but Heero makes a kick-ass 7-layer dip
* That for the first time, his niece actually sat on his lap and acted as though she genuinely liked him, instead of being intimidated by him
* That she was going to be 4 years old on June 20, and Heero and Pagan already had her fencing, much to Relena's disgruntlement
* That Dorothy must have been referring to Quatre, when she gave him that piece of advice on "old flames", because in this reality they were very much an item
* That, contrary to what he had always thought, the Maxwell kids were not the obnoxious little monsters that Wufei made them out to be, but they were actually rather cute
* That their eldest, Helene, was about the same age as his Vicki, and the two were super-glued to each other whenever they were together, often passing for sisters, being as their mothers looked like sisters as well...
* That, oh, sweet justice, Wufei was about to become the proud father of twin girls, and heaven help the poor bugger who ever makes either of them cry...
* That he and Noin still liked to bug each other, even after burying the hatchet some time after the war. Some of their pranks had gone down in Preventer history, like the Vaseline-all-over-the-mouse one, or the remote-controlled office chair...
* That Solo Maxwell had better not get any ideas about his little girl and mistletoe, at least until she's twenty-five... or thirty
* That his son, at thirteen months old, was already a chick magnet in his own right. He sure knew how to look cute and work a female crowd...
* That he never would have figured Catherine to leave the circus, go back to school, become one of the hottest fashion designers in the wedding gown industry, and adopt a kid, all of this without ever thinking about marriage herself.
* That he was wrong thinking that Maxwell and Schbeiker would never amount to very much, being as he was now head of the L2 chapter of the Preventers, and she was the chief security consultant for both the Preventers and the Government of Sanq. It was probably her fault that he couldn't hack in with Relena's username and password to get to his report...
* That he never truly gave either Trowa or Heero much credit for their social skills, but he should have. Pump enough alcohol in them, and they're a riot...
* That Relena was coping just fine, without her big brother working for her, and that Heero had taken over his job as her associate and, despite the rough edges, was showing remarkable aptitude for diplomatic work. He still wasn't shy about using his death glare, when the occasion called for it, and had even taught little Katie how to do it.
* That everybody seemed to like Zechs Merquise better because, unlike Milliardo Peacecraft, he actually did fit in.
He sat up in bed, startled by that last revelation.
"That's it!" he exclaimed, as he bolted out of bed, and rummaged in the drawers for some clothes to throw on, 'This is what I'm here to learn! That I have been isolating myself from my own friends and family!"
Still in his pajamas, he opened the window all the way, and stuck his head outside, looking from left to right for the young man in the bright orange tow truck to come take him back, as he promised he would after the lesson was learned.
"Alright, you win," he stated out loud, although unsure that he was being heard at all, "I promise I'll call Relena right away, and ask if I can join in for her New Year's party! And I'll be gracious, and socialize with the Maxwells and the Changs, and I'll make an effort to get to know my brother-in-law and my niece..."
Yet nothing bright and orange appeared from either end of Glenora Drive.
"Aw, come on... what more do you want?" Silence, except for the neighbours' kids barging out the door to play in the snow.
"Fine... I won't work all the time, either. I'll make sure I don't burn out," he conceded with a shiver, quickly ducking inside and shutting the window to avoid being seen in a less-than-dignified state.
"I'm going to go take a shower," he muttered to himself, wondering whether they would wait until he was fully dressed before sending him back. Heck, he could probably squeeze in breakfast, too...
Just as he motioned towards the bathroom, he heard a baby cry from down the hall. Deciding it was probably Ben, he resolved to at least check things out first, before calling Noin to deal with it. And, sure enough, as soon as he entered the child's room, Ben's big blue eyes lit up through the tears, and he reached out to be picked up.
"Hey, kiddo," Milliardo soothed as he lifted the toddler out of the crib, "yes, yes, you're up. Let's get you out of this... cage-thingy here, huh? Let's go have some breakfast, say hi to mommy... what do you say, sounds good?"
The child smiled for a second as he settled in his arms, then resumed his wailing, and Milliardo suddenly realized, or rather smelled, what was upsetting him so.
"Oh, boy... I was afraid it would come to this," he muttered, holding the baby at arm's length, "let's go find mommy, ok?"
**********
He bolted down the stairs with the wailing toddler, only to be told that his wife had just gone to take a shower, and rush back up, hoping to catch her before she was in any state of undress.
"Uh... Lu? May I come in?" he inquired, standing outside the door to the master bathroom. He could hear the water running.
"Yeah, sure. What's up?"
He took it as his cue that it was ok to go in, and stuck his head inside. His eyes might as well have bugged out of his skull as he stood there, dumbfounded and unable to react.
She was already IN the shower. Naked. And she didn't seem too fazed by him being there at all. In fact, she kept looking at him with that puzzled, inquiring expression, as though wanting to know what the problem was.
Milliardo quickly retreated out the door, his face suddenly burning. Yep, she could still make a killing, even after two kids...
"Uh... it's Ben," he fumbled, "He's crying..."
"I can hear that," Noin replied from inside, "And?"
"I think he needs a diaper change..." he specified.
"Makes sense," she stated calmly, "If we're out of diapers in the nursery, there's a new pack in the garage..."
"No, we have plenty of those..." Milliardo explained, dreading the turn that the events were taking.
"Ok, then... are we out of wipes? There's more of those too..."
"Nope... got those, too. Look, I was wondering..."
"What?"
"Never mind..."
*************
He laid the toddler on the changing table, unsure as to what to do next.
"How did I get myself in this mess, again?" he thought as his hands worked to free the child's legs from the sleeper, "Oh, right... someone up there
likes me so very much that they wished this on me... I must remember to thank them when I get back... and kill them again, despite their being already dead!"
He turned away in disgust as he unfastened the diaper.
"Oh, God... why me?"
He began scanning the room for latex gloves to at least dispose of the mess without risk of "contamination". This was definitely not his day...
"Dad... you're looking at them," a small voice piped from behind him. He turned to see his daughter Victoria, standing in the doorway.
"The wipes... they're right in front of you," she specified, then proceeded to approach, and hand him one from the bright turquoise plastic box. She then held the diaper pail open for her father to dispose of the soiled one.
Seeing as how he kept looking at it in disgust and not make a move, the little girl finally took over. With the practiced ease of a graduate of the babysitting course, she proceeded to clean up, then clothe her baby brother in a new diaper.
For his part, Milliardo felt rather useless, being taught by an eight-year-old.
"It's alright to be a bit grossed out the first time," she explained matter-of-factly as she snapped the sleeper back on, "I bet you they didn't teach you
that about human babies..."
She hesitated a bit before handing the child back to him. In fact, she scrutinized his face from up close, with a rather clinical countenance. She poked his nose once, pinched each cheek,
tugged at his hair, then, satisfied with the results of the examination, she took a step back, all the while withholding her brother from him.
"They did a really good job," she muttered in awe, "You look just like him... could have fooled me, that's for sure!"
"Rats," Milliardo thought, "she knows. She knows I'm not her father... Oh, well, might as well tell the truth now..."
"What did you do with my dad?" the little girl inquired, refusing to look scared in the least.
"Your dad is safe," Milliardo reassured, "We kind of... traded places for a while."
"So you could learn about humans, and he could learn about aliens?" the child asked skeptically.
"Yeah... something like that..."
"Jeez... I knew he had a weird job, but this mission takes the cake," the child muttered, "If mom finds out, she'll really freak... So lemme get this straight... You come in peace, right?"
"I do," Milliardo stated, "I would never do anything to hurt you, or your mom and dad, or your baby brother."
To his surprise, the little girl's expression softened up immediately. Before he knew it, she had walked over and extended her hand to him.
"What do they call you, on your planet?"
"They call me Milliardo," he replied.
"Then welcome to Mars, Milliardo," she greeted as she shook his hand proudly,
"I'm Vicki Merquise, but you probably already know that. Don't worry, I won't blow your
cover with mom. Guess you'll need me to show you around and stuff... We humans probably live very differently than you are used to. Hey, do you like pancakes? Wait... you've probably never had them before... Anyway, they're yummy! We're in luck, because my uncle just made some for breakfast, and lemme tell you, he makes the very best in the world..."