Usual disclaimer….

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Chapter 7

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Shunrei

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I paced back and forth in my room, wondering what I should do. Past, present, future, all intertwined….

The past has caught up with me, and what I do now will determine not only my future, but also his.

Back and forth, back and forth… time is passing, and I don't know how to behave.

I know I'm afraid. Afraid of him, and afraid of myself. Afraid of letting myself fall prey to my emotions which would not allow me to act rationally…afraid of being hurt… afraid of everything.

I had dreamt about meeting my son again for years. But when I met him, he would always be a child, ready to accept me… but instead I was faced with a man, old enough to question, old enough to doubt…old enough to hate. Could I face this man and tell him that I was the mother that he had never met? Would he believe me, or would he simply turn away and think that I was crazy? I wasn't sure I could stand an accusatory gaze from those eyes, a disbelieving look or simple indifference. How was I to know if he cared about me? What if he had never even thought of me, or if he thought that I was meaningless? These thoughts tormented me endlessly, ever since I had come to know that he was my son. My previous doubts and fears, instead of being relieved, were now replaced by others.

 I threw myself on a chair, and buried my face in my hands, trying to rest my aching head, and longing to tear out my aching heart. Why did everything have to be so hard?

"My lady?" I looked up and saw Aiya at the door. I sprang out of my chair, seething with anger. "How dare you come in here?" I hissed at her, furious at being seen like this. "Why didn't you knock you stupid girl? Don't you know how you should behave?" The girl was scared stiff.

"I…I'm sorry, I.. I.. knocked but.."

"And stop stuttering like a dolt! You're a novice, not an idiot brat!" She was shaking, and tears welled up in her eyes. I paused, still glaring at her. The girl had caught me in a rare moment of weakness, a side no one was allowed to witness. "What do you want? Answer me!" My voice was sharp, and made her start.

"I just wanted to tell you that… I gave him the medicine ma'am… I knocked but you didn't answer…" She rubbed her eyes, and looked at the floor unhappily. I had been too harsh on her, but I wasn't going to admit that; I felt too confused and enraged. "Good. Now get out! And if I don't answer, that means I don't want to be disturbed!" She bowed and left, still sniffing. I sighed as she closed the door, and fell back on the chair, my anger leaving me as suddenly as it had come. My child… he had been awake then if she had given him the medicine… the temptation to go by his side and take him in my arms was growing by the second. But I had to reflect.  Had I the right to enter his life like this? Perhaps to make him suffer? But I wouldn't be taking the place of any adoptive mother. From what the green eyed man had let fall, I understood that he had been brought up at a temple. I smiled grimly… the irony of destiny… abandoned by one temple, taken up by another… But what should I do? Did I have the right to hide his parentage from him?

I rose slowly, and made my way to the door. I had better visit him first, for after all, he still was my patient. I could decide later what I would do. But oh gods in the heavens above… how I wished for a sign to how I should behave….

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I was alone with my son.

I was nervous, but I knew by now how to keep my face expressionless, whatever my feelings. He nodded at me as I sat down by his side. "I am grateful for your hospitality Shunrei-sama," he said, voice just as cold as mine could ever be.

"My temple offers shelter to those who need it, as our order requires," I replied in the same way, thus ending all formalities. In vain did I look for a glimmer of recognition in those too familiar eyes, and a wave of disappointment overwhelmed me. For all my attempts to deceive myself, I had been hoping that in some miraculous way he would know that I was his mother. Foolish, foolish woman! How could he have remembered a woman he has never seen? The violet-eyed stranger who was my own flesh and blood, waited silently. "I need to examine your wounds." His eyes narrowed, and he did not seem too pleased at the suggestion, or rather, at my order. Hesitantly, he let me untie the bandages, as his eyes followed my every movement. His lean body was stiff and tense, and I could sense his dislike of my touching him. Little did he know how much it pained me to see him straining not to flinch at my every touch.

I proceeded with the cleaning of the wounds, which thankfully seemed to be healing quite well now. No sound was heard in the room, except for my movements. I searched desperately for something to say, but what? I had never been the one to indulge in small talk, and apparently, neither was he. I longed to ask him about his life, get to know my child… but instead, I remained mute. Not a word passed between us until I had covered his wounds.

"When can we leave?" His curt voice startled me. I looked up. Leave? Oh gods…

"You seem very impatient to leave, Genjo Sanzo." I could scarcely keep the bitterness out of my voice. Why did he have to talk of leaving so soon? I bit my lip, as I saw him looking at me, somewhat strangely, as if he were surprised by my remark. Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut?

"I have a mission to accomplish," he answered stiffly. "And the less the delay, the better."

"Of course." I stood up abruptly and moved to the window. "A week should be enough for you to heal sufficiently for travelling." How stupid could I get? It was obvious that he would have wanted to leave. We remained in silence for some time. "Is this mission very important to you?" the words escaped my lips unthinkingly.

"That is of no consequence. I have to do it, and that is enough." Hearing that voice, so calm and indifferent made me want to scream out loud.

Please, please… you're my son, I can't just let you go like that!

"You don't seem to allow anything to stop you do you Genjo Sanzo?"

"No." He didn't even pause to think. "Any interference has to be removed."

I clenched my fists. I knew what I was meant to do now.

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Sanzo

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She was a far cry from the usual abbots or priestesses I had met during my travels. I watched her as she stood with her back to me as she gazed out the window, golden hair cascading down her back. I had expected her to be a more demure type, perhaps older, with hair shaved or at least cut short, as was the practice in most women's temples. Not that it worried me. I had never been the type to bother about these stupid rules unless I needed something. Yet, she was definitely unusual. Her questions were almost too direct for my taste, and I was certain that there was something behind all this, but what? There was no evil presence in the place, as far as I could tell, even though her spiritual force was high, which was not unusual seeing that she was a high priestess. Whatever. As long as she didn't fawn over me, begging for the usual sermons and blessings, she could behave as she saw best. 

"Your friends care a lot about you. Especially the young one."

"They're not friends. They're servants." The answer came out automatically. I might have known that the silence had been too good to last. She turned her head slightly, and her eyes met mine. "So that's how you see things is it?" she said softly. She was starting to unnerve me, with her meaningless comments, and that strange look in those chilling blue eyes, eyes which had haunted me for days in my sleep… I shrugged, not bothering to reply. I didn't understand what she was trying to get to; if she wanted, she could explain herself. Looking around I noticed that the kappa had left his cigarettes and lighter next to my bed. I needed a smoke. I placed one fag between my lips and lit it.

"I thought I had already told you that you shouldn't smoke." She was frowning at me now.

"So what?" By being rude, I hoped to shut her up. The last thing I wanted was to be given a lectures on the ill-effects of smoking.

"So put that out."

"Forget it." I inhaled deeply. She literally bounded over to my side and snatched away the cigarette from my hand, leaving me gaping at her. What the hell was she playing at by treating me like a brat? I glared at her, and she glared back, undaunted, as she stubbed out the cigarette.

"What the hell are you doing?" I hissed, feeling very stupid.

"I told you, you shouldn't smoke!" she answered, her voice rising.

"Why the fuck should you care whether I smoke or not?" I spat back, furiously. She paused, and I saw a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. Then it was replaced by anger.

"I am the healer, and you are the patient so you do what I say, get it?" she snapped, as she grabbed the rest of the cigarettes as well as the lighter.  "And now excuse me, but I have other duties to attend to."

She turned round, ready to leave, when the door opened suddenly, interrupting my retort. Goku rushed in, and stopped short at the doorway as he saw Shunrei in front of him.

"Sanzo, you're up already! I thought…" His eyes widened, and he blushed. "I…I'm sorry, you're so alike, and it's almost dark…I thought you were him…"

He looked from me to Shunrei grinning apologetically, rubbing the back of his head. I glanced at the high priestess. It may have been a trick of the light, but she looked paler than ever. Shunrei regained her composure rapidly, and nodded briefly at Goku, while ignoring me completely, and hurried out of the room.

I felt a sudden shiver running down my spine for no reason I could fathom. After all, it was just the saru was behaving like the idiot he was, nothing more.

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A/N: I don't know if it is the custom of Buddhist nuns to cut their hair or not… Sorry for this inaccuracy if not!

Will try to update tomorrow… or this weekend… or next week… perhaps next month…