Today was one of Phil's better days. He didn't need a lot painkillers to get along, he was awake and almost felt like reading, though he knew that his eyes had become far too bad for it. Yet, he had a clear vision and his mind and senses were't dulled by the influence of well-meant, but unnecessarily given antibiotics.

It was also one of his last days as the older man knew, blinking into the warm sun outside the window. This trip to the West coast had proven to be a good decision. Even though he hadn't counted with ending up in a hospital here, he guessed that there existed a lot worse places to die. The light flooding into the room was always a bit hazy through the smog, but it still was the sun. He had even got to see the pacific before being admitted here.

When the door opened slowly, Phil looked up. Dr Sloan had only been here some time ago, it couldn't be time for the usual rounds again. Dr Mark Sloan was a pleasant company as much as he was great medic. He was even somewhat older than Phillip, but certainly didn't look his age. His expressions were good-natured and his devotion to the practice of medicine seemed so new, so honest, Phillip almost envied Mark for his vitality to live what had also once been his dream.

The pair of blue eyes that lurked through the door now didn't belong to the older doctor, yet somehow reminded Phil of him as there was also a certain mischieviousness sparkeling in them. He smiled. "Hey Jesse!"

"Hi..." Jesse quickly shut the door behind himself and stood not at the edge of the bed, now really facing exactly the problem whose considering he'd just thrown over board carelessly. What should he say? Why was he actually here?

Fortunately, Morton spoke first: "I see, you're back in charge. Congratulations."

The younger man smiled sheepishly. "It's a bit too early for this, I think."

Phillip grinned. "Oh...so you're on the run?"

"Wouldn't put it that way. Let's just say I left without setting a time for my return," Jesse replied, his hands cramping nervously.

"Well then, I'm happy to call you my visitor, even if not my doctor. But Dr Sloan is a nice guy", Phillip remarked, while Jesse took place on a chair next to the bed and grinned, a healthy kind of proud flickering through his smile.

"Yeah, he's wonderful man...", he said absent-minded.

Phillip sighed regretfully. "I'm glad you've found a better mentor in him than you did in me..."

He didn't even know why, but Jesse felt an unpleasant chill down his spine. Maybe it was his fear of having to face the consequences of a decision he had made years ago that now came up again. He had never been too sure if what he had done then had been right. And thinking about the past three weeks didn't make it easier to decide wether to justify or blame himself.

Jesse's silence told Phillip more than words would have done. He didn't blame the boy for being confused. Practicing medicine was often a thin line on which you easily lost balance. Some things just were not either right or wrong. And secretly, Phil knew that Jesse was just trying to find a way through the labyrint. And still there was a question that had been bothring Phil for years. Something that just didn't fit. "You thought what I did was wrong. You could have denounced me, but you didn't' You didn't tell anybody. Why not?"

All of sudden Jesse knew what he had been afraid of all the time. This question. Why not? Good question. He shrugged. "It didn't feel right to me...", he muttered, aware of the paradoxon occuring here. How could you think of something as wrong and then not feel like setting it right because that seemed wrong to you as well? It was exactly the question he could read in Phil's face as well in his own mind. Was he crazy?

Jesse took a deep breath, suddenly reminded of something that Phil had once told him. "I guess I didn't because I understood you. I still think it's wrong, but I understand why you did it."

Phil's eyes grew wide, but they held little shock and more realization. "You were scared of it, weren't you?"

To his surprise, Jesse nodded without even thinking about it. It had, indeed, scared him. That the power he had to heal people was the same power he could use to kill them and that you sometimes thought that patients were served better by the last than by the first one.

"I was scared of you", Phil said, causing Jesse's head to jerk up.

The young doctor glanced at his former mentor in disbelief. "Me?! 'Cause you thought I would run you down at the hospital board?!"

The old, ill man shook his head in firm denial. "No. My reputation didn't matter to me that much. But I always felt that someday I'd recognize that you were right and I was wrong..."

"And, did you?"

"Never got that far..."

Jesse laughed out. "Then I think we'll die discussing who is right and who is wrong..."

"Oh, I surely will!", Phillip replied, his voice cracked by coughes. He wasn't used to talk so much. Jesse's eyes filled with regret over this thoughtless comment, but Morton simply shook his head friendly. He had long made peace with everything. His life, his past, his inevitable death. But noticing the sorrow clouding the younger man's lifely expressions made him feel sorry himself. " Death is part of life and vice versa... Everybody has to die, Jess, some sooner, some later. That's the only thing that is for sure."

"I think I haven't been a doctor for long enough to see it that way...", Jesse answered maturely.

Phil only blinked. "As a doctor you'll never see it that way and you're not supposed to see it that way. People will still die when you've been a medic for fifty years and you'll feel bad every time. But it's not to shatter you faith in yourself. Trust me, Jesse. I know what I'm talking about..." He smiled slyly and Jesse smiled back. Then he slowly got up from his chair.

"Thank you, Phil...", he said, standing at Morton's bedside for a moment, scrutinzing the former resident. The presence of mortality was almightily covering Phillip Morton's body, but it seemed to have missed his mind.

"Anytime, my friend. Anytime."

At the door, Jesse waved a good-bye and smiled at Phil who wearily grinned back. It should be their last real talk. But now it all seemed right to them. Somehow right.

Jesse had seperated from the anonymity of the hospital crowd and was on his way back to lonesome room. Sneaking was easy for him. Lucky as he was no one seemed to have realized that he had only been wearing socks all the time. When he reached out for the door handle, Jesse was satisfied with himself. Going astray in this house was really easier than snatching a sweet away from a two-year-old.

One socked foot already in the room, Jesse was all of sudden starteld by voice from behind his back and froze.

"Dr Travis, may I inquire what makes it so hard for an academic to understand the simple appeal of 'Stay in bed and rest!'?!"

Jesse rolled with his eyes and steeled himself for the confrontation with the most intimidating weapon he had. Putting the puppy-dog-expression into his eyes, he turned around on his heel to face the monster of head nurse. "Mrs Higgins, nice to see you!"

A few days later....

Jesse had found the front door of the beach house unlocked as the Sloan's often left it when they expected guests. That was almost always the case, since 'invited or not' wasn't a matter in the rating of visitors and Amanda and Jesse were still existing.

The young doctor was in a good mood, after all he had just gotten all his freedoms as a normal healed citizen back. Yet, he had an unsettling feeling about coming here which ironically was his reason to be here. Out of an old habit he steered his first steps into the kitchen which was empty, at least for the cursory observer.

From somewhere near the ground some muffled curses were audible. Curiously Jesse lurked over the counter and was greeted by a sight that naturally robbed him of a small giggle. In front of him Steve Sloan lay sprawled on his back on the floor, his upper body to two thirds hidden in the box under the sink where the drainpipes were set.

Steve had been wrestling with the sink and its outlet for about an hour now without remarkable success, but instead the first certain signs of claustrophobia overwhelming him. So, when he heard the joyful voice which could belong to only one person in the whole universe, he wasn't quite able to share this affection for this wonderful morning.

Jesse's mouth twisted to a broad, Ernie-like grin as he waved his friend a "Hi" over the kitchen table and inquired:"What exactly are you doing there?"

Instead of an answer he got a shower of Steve Sloan's long-to-be-vented sarcasm. The sink hadn't been a good listener at all. "Hey Jess! Get it that you were released this morning."

"Oh yes...all healed and still in possession of at least half of my mental abilities...", Jesse replied, watching Steve how he attempted to set the pipe wrench.

"So far existing in the first place...", the off-duty lieutenant snapped, swearing under pantings as the wrench slid away again. Then he gave Jesse another sharp glare from his exposing position in the kitchen fittings. "I'd love to get up and chat with you standing uprightly, but I guess I'm stuck here...literally..."

Jesse grimaced in mock pity. "Which brings me back to my original question. Why are you doing this? You know, normal people would get themselves the yellow pages and call a plumber!"

Steve shot him the sharpest of all looks, while his fingers clenched around the pipe wrench. "I would have thought 'bout that, too, thank you. This is just dad's way to show me that he can make me do this for the rest of my life, in case I ever start a diversionary maneuver on him again to distract him from someone, who is supposed to stay in bed, haunting the hospital." He had known he would never get away with it. All the time his father had hovered stuff through the departement, doing a work that was about as intellectually demanding as...well, yes..as repairing an outlet, he had known he would pay for the pleasure to see how his father was just doing what he'd wanted him to do without ado. And now, Steve Sloan was finding out the exceptional difficulty of attempting to kick your own butt while being burried under a sink and a mess of disordered pipes.

The pure innocence in the eyes that met his him drove him nuts. Jesse scratched his head. "Oops. Maybe I should be lying down there then, eh?"

"At least you wouldn't have any trouble with getting stuck...", Steve growled. He knew he was aiming slightly under the belt line, but he was sure that Jesse could handle it. "I hope it was worth this whole circus..."

Jesse nodded, instantly seeming a bit sad and completely earnest. "Yes, it was. Thank you, Steve."

Even under sink, Steve wasn't a total idiot and knew better than to crack another joke. Instead he even smiled, indicating that he wouldn't hesitate two seconds when asked to do it again. Even if that meant another hour in some tiny cupboard. "Hey, no problem..."

The younger man all of sudden remembered why he had actually come here, not that he'd really forgotten about it, just for moment he had pushed it aside. "Erm, Steve, where's your dad?"

Steve watched him knowingly and was now actually happy that he had an occupation for the near future. "He's on the deck..."

Jesse nodded, obviously reluctant to go. For a moment he stared into the space of the kitchen, making the impression of a lost child. But then he quickly found his direction again. "Okay, see you later...", he took a deep breath. "And don't you assassinate yourself with the pipe wrench!"

It was no morning for having your breakfast outside on the deck. Clouds were covering the Californian sun and a heavy wind was blowing from the sea, giving the few tourists in sight a rough time in their Bermudas and Hawaii-Shirts. The air was humid, tasting of rain, some

stray drops were trickeling against Mark's face.

Yet, everybody knew there was no way preventing that Mark would take his first sips of coffee on the deck with the –even on those days- amazing overview of Malibu beach. It was his way of finding balance again, where he was collecting the strength and inspiration for his job, for both the hospital and the police departement. He loved it, simply to stand there, feeling the breeze in his face and seeing the ocean in front of him, lying like measured and still always in motion.

Compared to this big, never-ending blue the life a human being seemed -oddly philosophically and in a wonderful way- small. Not small as in the meaning of worthless, but small as a part of a higher idea, a small, yet important part of the whole. The sea was like mankind, always changing in a fast pace, never the same as just seconds before, though in some way eternal. Man raised and fell just like waves, sometimes quietly, far outside and sometimes roaring on the beach while the sunlight still sparkled on them.

Mark enjoyed the thought of being a wave. Maybe, he mused, it was really sign of him getting old, accepting those cheesy pictures of life as something not so unappealing or unrealistic.

His coffee had cooled down to drinkable and he was just taking the first sips from his mug, when he heard how someone exited the house and came onto the terrace behind him, taking the first steps reluctantly.

The older doctor turned around, his mind still a little distracted from the real world and wearing a dreamy gaze that only won substance as he faced the person towards him and smiled warmly. "Hey..."

"Hey...", Jesse answered, blinking against the soft watery drops on his cheeks, yet the rain wasn't as heavy as it occured to him at very first moment.

An uneasy silence settled over the both of them, leaving them with nothing but their own thoughts and whipping of the approaching storm. They didn't really know how to start the conversation, knowing there were a lot of things to be said, however, not certain about how to come to terms. Only when they heard the soft clinging of metal against metal from inside the house they seemed to have found a thread to go on.

Thinking back of his meeting with Steve, Jesse almost laughed thinly. "You shouldn't have sent him under the sink...after all it was me who asked him for help..."

Mark was again stunned as much as he was moved by the loyality those two men were sharing, even though they were sometimes acting about it as though they were kids. But putting yourself into line when a friend needed help was the thought behind it, no matter if the price consisted of your life or just hours trying to mend the sink. "Well, both of you deserved some teasing action...but I bet you didn't hit it much better with Mrs Higgings coming after you..."

Jesse grimaced. "Yeah, she is a very...captivating person..."

Both doctors giggled, however, it was somewhat forcedly.

Mark sunk his head, realizing it was up to him to make the next step forwards. As some indication of his starting talk, he abandoned his coffee mug onto the table, neglecting it by the time it was out of his eyesight. "Jess, listen..."

Jesse was listening, in fact that was the only thing he felt enabled to. The weight of the words Mark was preparing for seemed no light, so the younger man leaned himself against the banister while Mark remained next to him facing the ocean, his hands clenched around the white painted wood.

Then Jesse listened through everything, dulled by his friend's story, his mind only fixed on the sentiments that left Mark's mouth with a mixture of hesitation and regret. He heard about Mark's internship, about the one patient he had, Mark's grandmother who should die of Alsheimer...so far the official diagnosis. When Mark came to the point admitting that he had himself killed her with an overdose of morphine, Jesse saw the tears sparkeling in his mentor's eyes, though he didn't allow them to flow.

"When you came to me, saying that you thought it was better if that boy was dead, then...something inside me just snapped. That's why I lost it with you. I should have known better, but it just...you know...hit a nerve. And then as you accused me of not believing you...I wasn't there, Jess. I was back in my own history, over fourty years back. I was scared that you would make the same mistake that I made...which is about as bad. I blamed you instead of myself..."

Jesse remained all silent, chewing on his bottom lip while his emotions only slowly caught up with his mind. An awkward mixture of sadness and pride washed over his body, shaking him as though he was being grilled in an oven and cooled in a refrigator at the same time. Again he felt how selfish he himself had acted, like a stubborn child, not even giving Mark a chance to explain the reason for his behaviour. And Jesse thought it was perhaps the same selfishness that came along with this strange feeling of pride caused by the knowledge how much Mark respected him as a doctor.

Mark accidently misinterpreted Jesse's silence as some kind of waiting coolness, therefore he added shamefully:"This isn't supposed to excuse or justify my behaviour...but I guessed that if you would hear me out, you might see that you never lost my trust and maybe you're able to forgive me...someday...You're a wonderful doctor, you're skilled and good-natured...nothing's gonna change that. Please don't lose your faith in yourself..."

At Mark's pleading tone, Jesse sensed it was now his turn to say something, to make his part of the apologizing. "There is nothing to forgive", he answered and noticed how dry his mouth was. So, he cleared his throat, then continued, frightened of sounding lame. "I was...I thought that you'd be mad at me for...dunno, being a bad doctor. I couldn't expect you to approve my thinking, I...I...", he started stammering, smiling sheepishly, "...I couldn't approve it myself. I didn't mean to disappoint you..."

Mark's head jerked up, bewilderment flew over his expressions before it settled into sorrowful calmness. He focussed on the younger man. "You wouldn't be able to disappoint me. Not by acting like a human being..."

He put a reassuring hand on Jesse's shoulder, when their gazes slowly drifted apart, Mark directed to the ocean, Jesse finding something extraordinary interesting about the table next to them. Then, as though conducted by the same line of thoughts crossing their minds, both about in unison whispered:"I'm sorry..."

They smiled, earnest and still both relieved of heavy stones falling from their chests, as though the metal fist that had held their souls firmly slowly pulled back.

Habitatively Mark's hands wandered into his pockets, intending to shield them from the cold chill sent out by the increasing blow from the sea. That was the moment he felt something striking the palm of his hand, something consisting of cold metal and long-worn leather. He immediatly wanted to slap his head for not remembering it earlier. "By the way...", he started and pulled his hands out of his pocket. "While Steve and I scanned the saved evidences in the Harris case, I found something of which I guess you might want it back..."

He held his hand out to Jesse, who confusedly and curiously peered at Mark's palm as whose fingers unfolded. Then it was as though a small, but significant ray of light ran over his face, making his boyish grin creep out for the first time in weeks, holding pure gratitude, while Mark was equally grateful to see this smile again.

Jesse cautiously took his father's watch into his hands and scrutinized it for a second. The golden framework and the white face of the wristwatch reflected the shadows the cloudy skies were throwing onto them, the leather looked used and comfortable in its timeworn gathers while it longed for his owner's wrist.

Mark carefully eyed his friend who clumsily fumbled the watch around his wrist, the movements of his fingers seeming unusually uncoordinated. Indeed, his expressions were almost manic.

Jesse concentrated on his watch while his emotions were getting the better part of him. Everything he had kept under cover for the past two weeks dealing with his physical recovery now seemed to whelm up all at once. Harris, Potts, Morton, Jimmy, Mark, Steve, Amanda, even Brandon Dawn and Walter Day were rading his mind, their faces and the echoes of their voices, the flashbacks on each of them getting more and more hasty as though they were trying to drown out each other, becoming faster and more insisting the more time Jesse gave them, like a rollercoaster coming up speed.

"Jess...", Mark concernedly ruttled his friend out of his trance and succeeded after some time. As Jesse snapped back into reality, there was for a very short moment a clear hint of fear in his eyes, before those clouded with a none-telling expression.

"If you want to talk, I'm here...", the older doctor offered, realizing how Jesse was desperately looking for some way out of his misery that didn't allow him to take controll over his emotions. He probably had talked enough for now. So Mark shrugged naturally and smiled knowingly down at the other one's externally stoic face. "And if you just need a shoulder to cry, I'm here as well..."

The rollercoaster was accelerating, leaving Jesse no way of trying to steer it. He didn't want it, but he eventually had to admit he had no chance. Mark's offered shoulder was tempting.

Even before he knew why, Jesse felt water streaming down his face that wasn't coming from the ever so slightly pouring rain. His cheeks had cooled off in the sharp wind and the hot water that started to stream out of his eyes left no doubt to him what actually were his own tears. Each tear drop would remain on his face, even after rolling down his cheek, since he could still feel the warm, unforming traces that remained as long as he didn't try to wipe them away which he only did at the very beginning. Then, as though his inward emotional barrier opened, his head fell to the side and bounced against Mark's shoulder.

Mark felt Jesse quietly sobbing into his shoulder, burrying his wet face in his friend's shirt. The older man knew there wasn't much more he could do for his young friend, -his son in some strange, but equally emotional deep way- so he just held him in a fatherly embrace, soothing him gently.

The older man knew some wounds had to heal slowly and there was no good use in rushing their recovery.

When Amanda entered the beach house at lunch time some time later –through the unlocked front door, of course- Mark and Jesse were just closing the doors that lead to the deck. Outside a rough storm was raging against the building, but inside the beach house the cosiness would never vanish, even without the sight at the dancing sun rays outside.

While Steve was still nowhere in sight, it didn't take Amanda more than a glance at Mark and Jesse to discover that their problems had somehow been resolved and were out of the world. The blue sparkle in Jesse's eyes only was glazed by a shimmer of redness, the blood vessels around the pupills a little more visible than usual. But Amanda didn't question anything, she just quickly exchanged looks with Mark's which assured her of everything being on its steady way back to normal.

Just when greeting each other, the three of them were starteld by triumphing yelp from the direction of the kitchen. "I've got it!"

As they entered the room, Steve smiled at them as though he had just found the holy grail with his pipe wrench. While the tall police lieutenant was still working himself out of the narrow cupboard under the sink, the full committment to this task was displayed on his face as he was beaming like a silver plate.

"You practicing for some job in 'Home Improvement'?", Amanda inquired gleefully.

"Har har har...no. But in case you're interested in the astonishing fact that someone is actually really working here, one of the seals lacked. I have renewed it...", Steve explained, struggeling to free himself of his cage without getting caught in a muddle of pipes.

"So, it's supposed to be working again?", Mark asked, but didn't wait for an answer, he simply turned the water on, he and Amanda watched it as it vanished in the outlet.

Steve let out a mute sign. "Thanks, Steve, it was really kind of you to spent three hours of your precious free time to mend the outlet...", he growled sarcastically.

In the meantime Jesse's heart had went out to Steve who wriggled impatiently under the sink like a bug in a spider net. So he bent down to his friend, intending to lean him a hand to pull him up when he caught the eye of Steve's construction with the seal.

"Urm, Steve?"

Steve stopped in half-motion down in his little cupboard and met Jesse's doubtful eyes. "Yeah?"

"Are you sure you fixed the seal?"

"Yeah, why?"

"'Cause it's lacking..."

"Wha...?" Steve hadn't even time to finish the word as the water from the pipe splashed down onto his face.

As much as they pitied him, Mark, Amanda and Jesse couldn't help, but burst out into laughter while Steve cursed as he finally managed to get to his feet. There he stood in his full height, the water dripping from his shirt and hair while he eyed them with blushing expressions.

"Well...", Mark said satisfiedly, "don't you all agree that this is a really wonderful day?"

He grinned at Jesse who smiled at Amanda who laughed back to Mark. Friendship was great thing. Maybe even the best you could have in the world.

And even Steve was giggling as he went to find himself a kitchen towel.

*************

I hope you enjoyed this a bit!! Thanks you so much for your patience and your support!

xxxx Georgia