(Author's Note: OK, this was written purely for fun, I don't really care if
they're out of character or anything, because that's the point of a
humorous story now, isn't it? So please don't leave me angry reviews about
the authenticity of my story. Washington Irving, would you please not rise
from your grave and try to eat my brains for using your characters? Merci
Buckets. Your copyright's probably run out anyway. Oh, as well, the
character of Llama is essentially young Masbath for those who care, and
yes, I've made his last name Van Tassel even though he's not a Van Tassel.
While my friends and I were watching the movie we dubbed him Llama Van
Tassel because it sounds funny. That is all. Oh, and also, Remus Lupin from
the Harry Potter series shows up for a brief cameo, along with Captain Jack
Sparrow, as well do Raoul Duke and Doctor Gonzo from the movie/book Fear
and Loathing in Las Vegas. I personally guarantee some of the stuff they do
will not seem overly hilarious unless you have read the book or seen the
movie. Our author is something of a Johnny Depp fan, as you may have
noticed. Now without further ado.)
Ichabod heard the door open and abruptly threw off his lacy pink overcoat. No one must ever know about his little secret. He cleared his throat masculinly,
"Yes? Who's there?"
"Master, we've been informed of continued action regarding the headless horseman incident." Came the voice of his young ward, Llama. Ichabod smacked his forehead audibly,
"Christ, not again! I'm not going to be able to do this alone. We're going to have to enlist some help. I'm scared of spiders, for God's sake. Do you honestly think I'll be able to take on another battle with Hell by myself?"
"No, Master Crane. Might I suggest someone to help?"
"Shoot." Ichabod replied.
"Inspector Shawn." Ichabod made a "please continue" gesture with his hand.
"That's it. Inspector Shawn. He lives a few towns over. In Perthshire, I believe."
"Perthshire folkle?!?" exclaimed Ichabod, clasping his hands joyously, "What fun!" Llama raised an eyebrow at Ichabod,
"Shall I send for him, then?" Ichabod was silent, busying himself continuing his rug-hooking. He was making a chicken-rug. Llama left, and soon Ichabod's maid Sarah came in.
"Taking a break from fucking the stable-boy long enough to dust my study?" asked Ichabod patronizingly.
"Such language from such a PRISTINE girl..." spat Sarah. Ichabod rolled his eyes and continued rug-hooking.
The door opened and in walked Llama, closely followed by a tall, skinny man with blonde hair and shocking blue eyes, and a short, skinny girl with blonde hair and brown eyes.
"Inspector Shawn," the skinny man held out a hand to Ichabod and smiled. He delivered an even warmer smile to Sarah.
"I wouldn't get your hopes up too much, Inspector." Ichabod whispered, "Word about town is she's got the gout you-know-where. Fucked every man this side of London, save for the respectable ones."
"I'll be the judge of that, thank you Inspector Crane." Shawn said curtly. The blonde girl held out her hand to Ichabod, and instead of shaking it he kissed it,
"What a beautiful...dress you've got, madam." he said, flustered, "May you never find a live turtle in your soup." Jesus, thought Ichabod, I always say the most horrible random crap when I fall in love...
To his great horror, the girl looked at him like he had three heads,
"Pleased to meet you, Inspector Crane. My name's Leah." She raised an eyebrow at him condescendingly. But Ichabod was too smitten. We have the same eyebrow movements, he thought happily.
"Well, let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?" asked Shawn, "Whaaat?" he asked in response to the strange looks, "Fear and Loathing kicks ass. Anyshnizzle."
"What exactly is it that's been happening in Sleepy Hollow?" asked Leah. Ichabod smiled at the sound of her voice, but then caught himself,
"Llama, why don't you explain?"
"Well," began Llama, "Every single chicken in our tiny village was found completely headless this morning. They are all of course still alive and well, as most chickens usually are following decapitation. Some have also strangely developed speaking abilities, like our good friend Ethan over here."
"Yesh I chan cock, oo shilly, shilly boy!" The chicken said. It was apparent that being headless had caused quite a speech impediment. Shawn dissolved in a fit of giggles,
"He said cock..." At times Shawn had the wit capacity of a 5 year old boy. Ichabod rolled his eyes.
"So how did you end up headless, Ethan?"
"Well thatsh obvioush!" he exclaimed, "An idiot came awong wish a really, really big axsh and shliced through our necksh!" A great spurt of blood spewed forth from Ethan's severed neck and hit Ichabod square in the face. He cringed,
"Happens every time. Please continue. Do you know WHO did this?"
"Of courshe! A guy wish an axsh, of courshe! Jeeshush. What do you take me for, a retard?" Ichabod sighed tensely,
"I'm aware of that, Ethan. But specifically, WHO?"
"Ooooh!" Ethan realized what he meant. "The Headlesh Horsheman." Ichabod smacked his forehead once more,
"Finally..." He muttered.
"You're going to get concushed if you keep doing thatsh." The chicken stated. Ichabod sighed,
"THANK you, Ethan."
After much talk, it was decided that it would be best to go and inspect the scene of the crime, as it were, so they did. Shawn and Ichabod bent over the bodies of the deceased chickens, intensely studying them.
"Ah, yes..." Ichabod said, "I've seen this before. Definitely the work of the Headless Horseman. See, the neck wounds are fully cauterized."
"Whash there ever any DOUBTSH that it wash him?" Ethan protested. Ichabod and Shawn ignored him and continued.
"But the question is, WHY would a demon from hell, who was up until this point presumably satiated by getting his head back come up to Earth once more to cause such a paltry disturbance as beheading chickens?" asked Shawn.
"PALTRY?" cried Ethan. He made a string of "shh" sounds, causing flying blood to spatter every which way, "You are going to getsh to the BOTTOM of thish, my shirs!"
"Of course we are, Ethan. Who knows, he might start beheading humans again, and we wouldn't want that." Ethan began to exude an air of anger, but one could never be sure, as his lack of a head robbed him of all facial expression.
"So where would this Headless Horseman have gone?" Sarah asked, kneeling down next to Shawn. She brushed a lock of hair out of her face.
"Well... you seeeeeaaaggg..." He had momentarily lost all competent speech ability, and seemed as love-struck as Ichabod. He shut his eyes and sighed, trying to regain his lost composure, "Rickeytickeytickey..." Sarah quietly snickered, but tried not to look like she noticed.
"I've got a friend in the next town who's quite good at Divination and that sort of thing. Word is he's a wizard, but one never knows. Maybe you've heard of him...Remus Lupin?" asked Leah.
"Yeah...sure...he could be helpful..." Ichabod mumbled dazily.
Ichabod heard the door open and abruptly threw off his lacy pink overcoat. No one must ever know about his little secret. He cleared his throat masculinly,
"Yes? Who's there?"
"Master, we've been informed of continued action regarding the headless horseman incident." Came the voice of his young ward, Llama. Ichabod smacked his forehead audibly,
"Christ, not again! I'm not going to be able to do this alone. We're going to have to enlist some help. I'm scared of spiders, for God's sake. Do you honestly think I'll be able to take on another battle with Hell by myself?"
"No, Master Crane. Might I suggest someone to help?"
"Shoot." Ichabod replied.
"Inspector Shawn." Ichabod made a "please continue" gesture with his hand.
"That's it. Inspector Shawn. He lives a few towns over. In Perthshire, I believe."
"Perthshire folkle?!?" exclaimed Ichabod, clasping his hands joyously, "What fun!" Llama raised an eyebrow at Ichabod,
"Shall I send for him, then?" Ichabod was silent, busying himself continuing his rug-hooking. He was making a chicken-rug. Llama left, and soon Ichabod's maid Sarah came in.
"Taking a break from fucking the stable-boy long enough to dust my study?" asked Ichabod patronizingly.
"Such language from such a PRISTINE girl..." spat Sarah. Ichabod rolled his eyes and continued rug-hooking.
The door opened and in walked Llama, closely followed by a tall, skinny man with blonde hair and shocking blue eyes, and a short, skinny girl with blonde hair and brown eyes.
"Inspector Shawn," the skinny man held out a hand to Ichabod and smiled. He delivered an even warmer smile to Sarah.
"I wouldn't get your hopes up too much, Inspector." Ichabod whispered, "Word about town is she's got the gout you-know-where. Fucked every man this side of London, save for the respectable ones."
"I'll be the judge of that, thank you Inspector Crane." Shawn said curtly. The blonde girl held out her hand to Ichabod, and instead of shaking it he kissed it,
"What a beautiful...dress you've got, madam." he said, flustered, "May you never find a live turtle in your soup." Jesus, thought Ichabod, I always say the most horrible random crap when I fall in love...
To his great horror, the girl looked at him like he had three heads,
"Pleased to meet you, Inspector Crane. My name's Leah." She raised an eyebrow at him condescendingly. But Ichabod was too smitten. We have the same eyebrow movements, he thought happily.
"Well, let's get down to brass tacks. How much for the ape?" asked Shawn, "Whaaat?" he asked in response to the strange looks, "Fear and Loathing kicks ass. Anyshnizzle."
"What exactly is it that's been happening in Sleepy Hollow?" asked Leah. Ichabod smiled at the sound of her voice, but then caught himself,
"Llama, why don't you explain?"
"Well," began Llama, "Every single chicken in our tiny village was found completely headless this morning. They are all of course still alive and well, as most chickens usually are following decapitation. Some have also strangely developed speaking abilities, like our good friend Ethan over here."
"Yesh I chan cock, oo shilly, shilly boy!" The chicken said. It was apparent that being headless had caused quite a speech impediment. Shawn dissolved in a fit of giggles,
"He said cock..." At times Shawn had the wit capacity of a 5 year old boy. Ichabod rolled his eyes.
"So how did you end up headless, Ethan?"
"Well thatsh obvioush!" he exclaimed, "An idiot came awong wish a really, really big axsh and shliced through our necksh!" A great spurt of blood spewed forth from Ethan's severed neck and hit Ichabod square in the face. He cringed,
"Happens every time. Please continue. Do you know WHO did this?"
"Of courshe! A guy wish an axsh, of courshe! Jeeshush. What do you take me for, a retard?" Ichabod sighed tensely,
"I'm aware of that, Ethan. But specifically, WHO?"
"Ooooh!" Ethan realized what he meant. "The Headlesh Horsheman." Ichabod smacked his forehead once more,
"Finally..." He muttered.
"You're going to get concushed if you keep doing thatsh." The chicken stated. Ichabod sighed,
"THANK you, Ethan."
After much talk, it was decided that it would be best to go and inspect the scene of the crime, as it were, so they did. Shawn and Ichabod bent over the bodies of the deceased chickens, intensely studying them.
"Ah, yes..." Ichabod said, "I've seen this before. Definitely the work of the Headless Horseman. See, the neck wounds are fully cauterized."
"Whash there ever any DOUBTSH that it wash him?" Ethan protested. Ichabod and Shawn ignored him and continued.
"But the question is, WHY would a demon from hell, who was up until this point presumably satiated by getting his head back come up to Earth once more to cause such a paltry disturbance as beheading chickens?" asked Shawn.
"PALTRY?" cried Ethan. He made a string of "shh" sounds, causing flying blood to spatter every which way, "You are going to getsh to the BOTTOM of thish, my shirs!"
"Of course we are, Ethan. Who knows, he might start beheading humans again, and we wouldn't want that." Ethan began to exude an air of anger, but one could never be sure, as his lack of a head robbed him of all facial expression.
"So where would this Headless Horseman have gone?" Sarah asked, kneeling down next to Shawn. She brushed a lock of hair out of her face.
"Well... you seeeeeaaaggg..." He had momentarily lost all competent speech ability, and seemed as love-struck as Ichabod. He shut his eyes and sighed, trying to regain his lost composure, "Rickeytickeytickey..." Sarah quietly snickered, but tried not to look like she noticed.
"I've got a friend in the next town who's quite good at Divination and that sort of thing. Word is he's a wizard, but one never knows. Maybe you've heard of him...Remus Lupin?" asked Leah.
"Yeah...sure...he could be helpful..." Ichabod mumbled dazily.