That night the casino was as busy as ever, and Ichabod and Shawn could only
hope that what Raoul had told them was right. Ichabod had forced both of
them to abstain from all intoxicants, save for the cigarette Raoul had
clamped between his teeth so often it was essentially an extra appendage.
As a result, the both of them were sober as judges, or as close as they'd
ever been, anyway.
"I can't TAKE this any more!" Raoul exclaimed, looking around frantically, "Everything's so CLEAR...it's worse than SPEED, god dammit!"
"Only a few more hours, Duke..." Gonzo reassured him.
"Shut UP you fat bastard! I'm not ranting for your benefit, you know." spat back Raoul. Llama looked at his watch.
"You said he usually comes around 7, Raoul? I suggest we get a move on."
What a motley crew they were, wandering out through the casino. It was everything a casino should be-bright, loud, obnoxious, and full of old ladies winning big money at the slots. Sarah and Leah had dressed to fit in with the rest of the Vegas women, and looked right at home hanging off the arms of Ichabod and Shawn.
To Ichabod's annoyance, Raoul had snuck some acid before they left, and had fallen right back into his usual pattern of stumbling and hallucinating. Evidently something was attacking him, because he began to scream wildly and swat at the air around him. This didn't worry them too much, as the casino noise easily drowned him out.
"We can't stop here! This is Bat Country!" he cried as they sat down at the bar. Raoul clamped his fisherman's cap firmly down on his bald head and looked around lividly.
"A double gin for my friend here," Shawn patted Raoul's shoulder, "Highest proof you got." He winked at the bartender, who nodded in understanding.
Ichabod rubbed Leah's shoulder fondly, and took a deep sip of his martini. Then it was so painfully obvious he had to slap his forehead once more. He'd tolerated Raoul for nothing. A tall man with a coat that looked as though it was pulled over his head saddled up to the bar a few chairs away from them. He ordered something big, clear and cold, and poured it straight down the neck of his jacket. Ichabod snagged a look at the signature on the man's tab,
"H. Horseman..." He snorted into his martini, "How fucking original..." But how to go about this was the problem. When a scantily clad waitress asked him for a refill, it clicked. He slid the martini over to Raoul to keep him quiet, and pulled the others into a huddle.
"Now, here's the plan," He began, "We've got to appeal to the Horseman's human nature, if he's got any left." He very obviously looked Sarah and Leah up and down, "You'll do nicely. Go over there, and pull out the old charm on him. Leave nothing out. We've got to get him back to the...room. Raoul, let me borrow this." He yanked the fisherman's cap off Raoul's unconscious head and clapped it over his messy mane of smolderingly sexy dark hair.
"Now I am your pimp..." He smiled roguishly, and for effect threw off his suit jacket and undid a few of the buttons at the top of his shirt. "Llama is my recruiter. Now go to it."
"What about me?" asked Shawn.
"You can be my man-whore." Ichabod said matter-of-factly. He watched the girls with interest as they sidled over to the Horseman with full glasses of vodka. The Horseman seemed pleased at their offerings, and finished off the vodkas in two short gulps. Although Ichabod and Shawn were out of earshot, they could see he was pleased by his body language, and he threw tipsy arms around both girls. It was bizarre that no one noticed this man's lack of a head.
Ichabod and Shawn tailed him closely, as he weaved through the casino, eventually stopping at a craps table. Ichabod pulled the fisherman's cap down over his dark eyes and lit a cigarette, leaning over the table under the pretense of watching the bets. He caught Leah's eye and smiled apologetically. Eventually the dice came around to the Horseman, and he tossed them with a quick flick of his gloved hand. Seven after seven came up, until it appeared he got tired of it and collected his wad of cash. Ichabod and Shawn braced themselves to rescue the girls, but they seemed to hold their own. All the way back to what was obviously the Horseman's room, they flirted shamelessly. However, this didn't keep them from shooting back desperate, helpless glances to Ichabod and Shawn.
They barely managed to nip in after the girls, and for the first time the Horseman noticed their presence. Leah and Sarah ran to Shawn and Ichabod.
"He smells so horrible..." Leah gasped, her heart going a mile a minute, "Like a rotting corpse, only ten times worse..."
"Shh...its okay," Ichabod reassured, "I've just got to go...fight him off now. You stay here." He sat her on the floor, and strode smartly over to the Horseman.
"Its just you and me now, you undead bastard!" He cried, gathering his scraps of strength. He whipped out his only weapon, a handsome Swiss Army Knife. "Would you hold on a second?" The Horseman sat silently while Ichabod flipped through the settings,
"Bottle opener...no...screwdriver...no...corkscrew...maybe...Ah! Blade! Jolly good then!" He held the blade to where he presumed some flesh would be and narrowed his eyes menacingly. Succumbing to curiosity, he tore open the Horseman's jacket. What he saw next disgusted him beyond anything he'd ever seen before. It was worse than getting blood squirted in his face. Hell, it was worse than chocolate sauce. He staggered to the bathroom trying not to throw up.
"Ichabod! What happened?" Leah rushed in after him.
"Don't...look..." He gasped. Shawn had fainted dead away, and so Leah and Sarah approached the monstrosity. What they saw was a bit of an anticlimax.
Where the Horseman's head used to be, so many ages ago, now was a grotesquely attached chicken head. It clucked randomly, and looked at them stupidly. Being incapable of English, the Horseman went out into the hallway, cleanly lopped off the head of a passerby and affixed it onto his own. After a moment, he looked at them,
"Ichabod, take it easy!" He called in a rough, scratchy voice, "I'm just here for a vacay, mate! No worries!" Ichabod staggered out of the bathroom,
"You...you aren't on a vindictive killing spree?" He asked, "You aren't after your own head, lopping off innocent victims' along the way." The Horseman chuckled,
"Oh CHRIST no. My old head was getting a bit wrinkly, what with age and wear and all that, so I needed a new one. And I decided to go around with a chicken head for awhile, because what's the fun of being undead and somewhat magical if you can't mix and match? I also had a hankerin' for some really good fried chicken. You know how it is. C'mon, I was just having a bit of fun. Laughing it up in Vegas." Ichabod's eyes widened in surprise, and one of them had begun to twitch involuntarily,
"So you mean..." He began to quake with anger, "We followed you to Las Vegas, risked life and limb, gave a psychic upwards of SIXTY DOLLARS, stayed in a STORAGE CLOSET WITH A COUPLE OF WAYWARD INSANE DRUG ADDICTS AND YOU TELL ME YOU WERE HAVING A BIT OF FUN? I FEAR AND LOATHE YOU IN LAS VEGAS, YOU SMARMY IDIOT!"
"Calm down, darling..." Leah strode over to him and hugged him. He slowly began to calm down, but still stared maniacally at the Horseman. Meanwhile, Shawn and Sarah had been making out in a corner.
"Let's get married!" said Shawn out of nowhere. Sarah happily obliged within two seconds of his asking.
"We're in Vegas, the land of spur-of-the-moment marriages. Why not?" she replied, "Ichabod and Leah, you should try it too. They give two-for-one annulments, so its risk-free!" Ichabod shrugged. He did need something to take his mind off the whole Horseman incident.
"Can I be the best man?!?!" The Horseman asked excitedly.
"A wedding?" asked a random man from the door, dressed in Pirate garb, "I love weddings! Drinks all 'round!"
"Jack, you slack-jawed idiot! Get back to Treasure Island and make those ladies thirsty!" called someone else from the hallway. The pirate-garbed man ran off.
"So, where shall we hit?" Ichabod clasped his hands together.
"There's a quaint little chapel just down the street." piped the Horseman, "I like to go there and watch the weddings. They just send chills down my spine." He wiped a tear from his eye.
"Well!" Shawn clasped Sarah's hand happily, "Let's go!"
After an initial fee of $10.00 for services (happily shelled out by the Horseman..."You love birds don't worry about a thing!") Leah and Sarah were lined up at the end of the aisle, while Ichabod and Shawn waited nervously at the back. The Horseman gave them a big cheesy wink.
They'd picked up Ethan from the hotel room, and persuaded him to be their flower-chicken. He toddled down the aisle, throwing fake rose petals this way and that. Raoul and Gonzo were the only people in attendance, and Raoul was too busy trying to eat the rose petals to notice that there was a wedding taking place. Gonzo managed him with the air of a fed-up parent scolding a pesky two year old.
For bridesmaids, they'd found Remus and Laura wandering about Vegas on a vacation, and got Laura to be one. The other was a rent-a-bridesmaid, a complimentary service of the chapel. They waltzed awkwardly down the aisle, and soon were standing in front of the altar which was still empty. Ethan and the Horseman had both dissolved into tears. Well, Ethan kind of made a sort of snorting noise and then sprayed blood all over the hems of Ichabod's trousers.
Finally, a minister came in. He took the last swig out of a bottle of rum, and then cleared his throat. Instantly, they recognized him as the pirate man from the hotel. Now that they had a closer look, they could see he had enough eye makeup on to make the prostitutes on the strip look modest. His accent was thick, and of a Surrey persuasion.
"Ello, I'm Father Captain Jack Sparrow and I'll be performing this highly irregular ceremony. Now, do you all promise to love each other forever and ever amen? Now if you'd sign this document saying you're both not eunuchs, are not under the intoxication of liquor or other substances and that annulments are only valid before marriage consummation, if you get what I mean, mate..." He nudged the boys conspiratorially," Now. You both kiss your poppets, savvy?" He gestured to Shawn and Ichabod, " And Bob's your uncle, Fannie's your aunt, you're married! The state of Nevada considers this marriage full and binding. Here's 5 dollars each in poker chips. Drinks all 'round!" He took a swig out of a hip flask and passed out cold on the floor. A tall man with blonde hair and a boyish face walked in. He was wearing priesty clothing. He took one disgusted look at the passed out Jack and apologized profusely,
"Has he been posing as a member of the clergy again? Oh well, no bother, none of us are real priests anyway. My name's Edward Norton. We need two witness signatures on here other than people who were in the ceremony." He gestured to the marriage license and looked out into the empty audience.
"They can sign." Shawn pointed to Gonzo and Raoul. Gonzo's signature was easy to get, but it took some coaxing to get Raoul coherent.
"You're sure you haven't been drinking, Mr. Duke?" asked Edward.
"There once was a man named Seamus Finnigan!" replied Raoul, joyously signing the document "I.P. Freely" Edward rolled his eyes and shoved the paper into the folds of his priesty robe.
Somehow they got everyone out onto the strip, the newlyweds happy as pie, and everyone in a general state of euphoria, especially Raoul who had an LSD square stuck to his forehead and a fake mustache made of cocaine.
"It's been a slice, guys..." Ichabod said, happily kissing Leah, "Glad we got things sorted out, Mr. Horseman."
"Call me Jimmy. I'm off to Bermuda next. Now that I'm not so murderous, its time to see the sights. Now, I've got to run. My plane leaves in an hour. I'll send you a postcard. Happy wedding day!" He waved goodbye and ran off, his long dark coat flapping behind him.
"Gonzo and Raoul..." Shawn raised his eyebrows, "Well, you were an experience. Try not to OD too bad, eh Raoul?"
"IhaveareservationatTHIIIIIIShotel and THAAAAAATS my lawyer!" Raoul answered, pointing wildly to Gonzo, "And i've got a half-pint of ether!"
"I'm sure you have." Sarah patted his shoulder reassuringly. Raoul screamed and began to run wildly down the strip.
"Well, I better go after him." Gonzo said, gave them a quick goodbye, and sprinted off after the wiry Raoul as fast as his fat frame would let him. After about ten feet of running, he had to stop, take a hit of speed, and then keep going.
"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, YOU NARCOTICS AGENT!" Raoul called back insanely.
"Holy shit, I may just have to take up mescalin after meeting those two..." Ichabod shook his head. Leah gave him a reproving look, and he laughed.
"Close, but not quite. I'll settle for a glass of illegal Absinthe and being fucked all night, though!" He said happily. Leah clasped his hand in hers,
"Sounds like a plan. Treasure Island hotel, guys?"
Sarah and Shawn were now lying on the grungy sidewalk making out. Evidently they couldn't wait.
"C'mon guys, get up, before the hookers get you." They managed to get them up, and walked off in pursuit of the majestic Treasure Island hotel, which was framed picturesquely by the setting sun.
"I can't TAKE this any more!" Raoul exclaimed, looking around frantically, "Everything's so CLEAR...it's worse than SPEED, god dammit!"
"Only a few more hours, Duke..." Gonzo reassured him.
"Shut UP you fat bastard! I'm not ranting for your benefit, you know." spat back Raoul. Llama looked at his watch.
"You said he usually comes around 7, Raoul? I suggest we get a move on."
What a motley crew they were, wandering out through the casino. It was everything a casino should be-bright, loud, obnoxious, and full of old ladies winning big money at the slots. Sarah and Leah had dressed to fit in with the rest of the Vegas women, and looked right at home hanging off the arms of Ichabod and Shawn.
To Ichabod's annoyance, Raoul had snuck some acid before they left, and had fallen right back into his usual pattern of stumbling and hallucinating. Evidently something was attacking him, because he began to scream wildly and swat at the air around him. This didn't worry them too much, as the casino noise easily drowned him out.
"We can't stop here! This is Bat Country!" he cried as they sat down at the bar. Raoul clamped his fisherman's cap firmly down on his bald head and looked around lividly.
"A double gin for my friend here," Shawn patted Raoul's shoulder, "Highest proof you got." He winked at the bartender, who nodded in understanding.
Ichabod rubbed Leah's shoulder fondly, and took a deep sip of his martini. Then it was so painfully obvious he had to slap his forehead once more. He'd tolerated Raoul for nothing. A tall man with a coat that looked as though it was pulled over his head saddled up to the bar a few chairs away from them. He ordered something big, clear and cold, and poured it straight down the neck of his jacket. Ichabod snagged a look at the signature on the man's tab,
"H. Horseman..." He snorted into his martini, "How fucking original..." But how to go about this was the problem. When a scantily clad waitress asked him for a refill, it clicked. He slid the martini over to Raoul to keep him quiet, and pulled the others into a huddle.
"Now, here's the plan," He began, "We've got to appeal to the Horseman's human nature, if he's got any left." He very obviously looked Sarah and Leah up and down, "You'll do nicely. Go over there, and pull out the old charm on him. Leave nothing out. We've got to get him back to the...room. Raoul, let me borrow this." He yanked the fisherman's cap off Raoul's unconscious head and clapped it over his messy mane of smolderingly sexy dark hair.
"Now I am your pimp..." He smiled roguishly, and for effect threw off his suit jacket and undid a few of the buttons at the top of his shirt. "Llama is my recruiter. Now go to it."
"What about me?" asked Shawn.
"You can be my man-whore." Ichabod said matter-of-factly. He watched the girls with interest as they sidled over to the Horseman with full glasses of vodka. The Horseman seemed pleased at their offerings, and finished off the vodkas in two short gulps. Although Ichabod and Shawn were out of earshot, they could see he was pleased by his body language, and he threw tipsy arms around both girls. It was bizarre that no one noticed this man's lack of a head.
Ichabod and Shawn tailed him closely, as he weaved through the casino, eventually stopping at a craps table. Ichabod pulled the fisherman's cap down over his dark eyes and lit a cigarette, leaning over the table under the pretense of watching the bets. He caught Leah's eye and smiled apologetically. Eventually the dice came around to the Horseman, and he tossed them with a quick flick of his gloved hand. Seven after seven came up, until it appeared he got tired of it and collected his wad of cash. Ichabod and Shawn braced themselves to rescue the girls, but they seemed to hold their own. All the way back to what was obviously the Horseman's room, they flirted shamelessly. However, this didn't keep them from shooting back desperate, helpless glances to Ichabod and Shawn.
They barely managed to nip in after the girls, and for the first time the Horseman noticed their presence. Leah and Sarah ran to Shawn and Ichabod.
"He smells so horrible..." Leah gasped, her heart going a mile a minute, "Like a rotting corpse, only ten times worse..."
"Shh...its okay," Ichabod reassured, "I've just got to go...fight him off now. You stay here." He sat her on the floor, and strode smartly over to the Horseman.
"Its just you and me now, you undead bastard!" He cried, gathering his scraps of strength. He whipped out his only weapon, a handsome Swiss Army Knife. "Would you hold on a second?" The Horseman sat silently while Ichabod flipped through the settings,
"Bottle opener...no...screwdriver...no...corkscrew...maybe...Ah! Blade! Jolly good then!" He held the blade to where he presumed some flesh would be and narrowed his eyes menacingly. Succumbing to curiosity, he tore open the Horseman's jacket. What he saw next disgusted him beyond anything he'd ever seen before. It was worse than getting blood squirted in his face. Hell, it was worse than chocolate sauce. He staggered to the bathroom trying not to throw up.
"Ichabod! What happened?" Leah rushed in after him.
"Don't...look..." He gasped. Shawn had fainted dead away, and so Leah and Sarah approached the monstrosity. What they saw was a bit of an anticlimax.
Where the Horseman's head used to be, so many ages ago, now was a grotesquely attached chicken head. It clucked randomly, and looked at them stupidly. Being incapable of English, the Horseman went out into the hallway, cleanly lopped off the head of a passerby and affixed it onto his own. After a moment, he looked at them,
"Ichabod, take it easy!" He called in a rough, scratchy voice, "I'm just here for a vacay, mate! No worries!" Ichabod staggered out of the bathroom,
"You...you aren't on a vindictive killing spree?" He asked, "You aren't after your own head, lopping off innocent victims' along the way." The Horseman chuckled,
"Oh CHRIST no. My old head was getting a bit wrinkly, what with age and wear and all that, so I needed a new one. And I decided to go around with a chicken head for awhile, because what's the fun of being undead and somewhat magical if you can't mix and match? I also had a hankerin' for some really good fried chicken. You know how it is. C'mon, I was just having a bit of fun. Laughing it up in Vegas." Ichabod's eyes widened in surprise, and one of them had begun to twitch involuntarily,
"So you mean..." He began to quake with anger, "We followed you to Las Vegas, risked life and limb, gave a psychic upwards of SIXTY DOLLARS, stayed in a STORAGE CLOSET WITH A COUPLE OF WAYWARD INSANE DRUG ADDICTS AND YOU TELL ME YOU WERE HAVING A BIT OF FUN? I FEAR AND LOATHE YOU IN LAS VEGAS, YOU SMARMY IDIOT!"
"Calm down, darling..." Leah strode over to him and hugged him. He slowly began to calm down, but still stared maniacally at the Horseman. Meanwhile, Shawn and Sarah had been making out in a corner.
"Let's get married!" said Shawn out of nowhere. Sarah happily obliged within two seconds of his asking.
"We're in Vegas, the land of spur-of-the-moment marriages. Why not?" she replied, "Ichabod and Leah, you should try it too. They give two-for-one annulments, so its risk-free!" Ichabod shrugged. He did need something to take his mind off the whole Horseman incident.
"Can I be the best man?!?!" The Horseman asked excitedly.
"A wedding?" asked a random man from the door, dressed in Pirate garb, "I love weddings! Drinks all 'round!"
"Jack, you slack-jawed idiot! Get back to Treasure Island and make those ladies thirsty!" called someone else from the hallway. The pirate-garbed man ran off.
"So, where shall we hit?" Ichabod clasped his hands together.
"There's a quaint little chapel just down the street." piped the Horseman, "I like to go there and watch the weddings. They just send chills down my spine." He wiped a tear from his eye.
"Well!" Shawn clasped Sarah's hand happily, "Let's go!"
After an initial fee of $10.00 for services (happily shelled out by the Horseman..."You love birds don't worry about a thing!") Leah and Sarah were lined up at the end of the aisle, while Ichabod and Shawn waited nervously at the back. The Horseman gave them a big cheesy wink.
They'd picked up Ethan from the hotel room, and persuaded him to be their flower-chicken. He toddled down the aisle, throwing fake rose petals this way and that. Raoul and Gonzo were the only people in attendance, and Raoul was too busy trying to eat the rose petals to notice that there was a wedding taking place. Gonzo managed him with the air of a fed-up parent scolding a pesky two year old.
For bridesmaids, they'd found Remus and Laura wandering about Vegas on a vacation, and got Laura to be one. The other was a rent-a-bridesmaid, a complimentary service of the chapel. They waltzed awkwardly down the aisle, and soon were standing in front of the altar which was still empty. Ethan and the Horseman had both dissolved into tears. Well, Ethan kind of made a sort of snorting noise and then sprayed blood all over the hems of Ichabod's trousers.
Finally, a minister came in. He took the last swig out of a bottle of rum, and then cleared his throat. Instantly, they recognized him as the pirate man from the hotel. Now that they had a closer look, they could see he had enough eye makeup on to make the prostitutes on the strip look modest. His accent was thick, and of a Surrey persuasion.
"Ello, I'm Father Captain Jack Sparrow and I'll be performing this highly irregular ceremony. Now, do you all promise to love each other forever and ever amen? Now if you'd sign this document saying you're both not eunuchs, are not under the intoxication of liquor or other substances and that annulments are only valid before marriage consummation, if you get what I mean, mate..." He nudged the boys conspiratorially," Now. You both kiss your poppets, savvy?" He gestured to Shawn and Ichabod, " And Bob's your uncle, Fannie's your aunt, you're married! The state of Nevada considers this marriage full and binding. Here's 5 dollars each in poker chips. Drinks all 'round!" He took a swig out of a hip flask and passed out cold on the floor. A tall man with blonde hair and a boyish face walked in. He was wearing priesty clothing. He took one disgusted look at the passed out Jack and apologized profusely,
"Has he been posing as a member of the clergy again? Oh well, no bother, none of us are real priests anyway. My name's Edward Norton. We need two witness signatures on here other than people who were in the ceremony." He gestured to the marriage license and looked out into the empty audience.
"They can sign." Shawn pointed to Gonzo and Raoul. Gonzo's signature was easy to get, but it took some coaxing to get Raoul coherent.
"You're sure you haven't been drinking, Mr. Duke?" asked Edward.
"There once was a man named Seamus Finnigan!" replied Raoul, joyously signing the document "I.P. Freely" Edward rolled his eyes and shoved the paper into the folds of his priesty robe.
Somehow they got everyone out onto the strip, the newlyweds happy as pie, and everyone in a general state of euphoria, especially Raoul who had an LSD square stuck to his forehead and a fake mustache made of cocaine.
"It's been a slice, guys..." Ichabod said, happily kissing Leah, "Glad we got things sorted out, Mr. Horseman."
"Call me Jimmy. I'm off to Bermuda next. Now that I'm not so murderous, its time to see the sights. Now, I've got to run. My plane leaves in an hour. I'll send you a postcard. Happy wedding day!" He waved goodbye and ran off, his long dark coat flapping behind him.
"Gonzo and Raoul..." Shawn raised his eyebrows, "Well, you were an experience. Try not to OD too bad, eh Raoul?"
"IhaveareservationatTHIIIIIIShotel and THAAAAAATS my lawyer!" Raoul answered, pointing wildly to Gonzo, "And i've got a half-pint of ether!"
"I'm sure you have." Sarah patted his shoulder reassuringly. Raoul screamed and began to run wildly down the strip.
"Well, I better go after him." Gonzo said, gave them a quick goodbye, and sprinted off after the wiry Raoul as fast as his fat frame would let him. After about ten feet of running, he had to stop, take a hit of speed, and then keep going.
"YOU CAN'T CATCH ME, YOU NARCOTICS AGENT!" Raoul called back insanely.
"Holy shit, I may just have to take up mescalin after meeting those two..." Ichabod shook his head. Leah gave him a reproving look, and he laughed.
"Close, but not quite. I'll settle for a glass of illegal Absinthe and being fucked all night, though!" He said happily. Leah clasped his hand in hers,
"Sounds like a plan. Treasure Island hotel, guys?"
Sarah and Shawn were now lying on the grungy sidewalk making out. Evidently they couldn't wait.
"C'mon guys, get up, before the hookers get you." They managed to get them up, and walked off in pursuit of the majestic Treasure Island hotel, which was framed picturesquely by the setting sun.