Evo Stalkers Anonymous
~At Meeting~
(Eight people are standing around talking, the clock strikes seven o'clock and seven of them sit down. The last, a chubby blonde girl stands behind the podium and bangs her gavel. She's wearing a I LUV REMY T-shirt)
Jess:(banging gavel) ATTENTION! I hereby call this meeting of the X-Men Evolution Stalkers Anonymous to order. Hi, I'm Jess, and I'm stalking Remy LeBeau. It all started when I was 11. (takes deep breath) My obsession got worse when I discovered X-Men Evolution. I carry a Gambit action figure with me where ever I go. (Pulls action figure out of left pocket) I even made a Jess action figure. (Pulls barbie out of right pocket. The hair is cut to shoulder lenghth and the doll is also wearing a I LUV REMY shirt. Jess makes the dolls make out) Now, I stalk Remy and steal anything he touches.
Everyone else: Hi Jess!
Jess: Anyone else care to share?
(A redhead stands up)
Fio: Hi. I"m Fiora and I'm stalking Pyro and Sabertooth. (sighs) I've stolen all of Sabertooth's cat toys and I sleep with his cat nip ball under my pillow. I also have a Pyro shrine in my closet. When he got his last haircut, the barber kept his hair for me. (pulls locket from under shirt) I keep a lock of his hair close to my heart.
Everyone else: Hello Fio!
(Another girl stands up. She's wearing a shirt that says I love Colossus and Kurt in russian)
Sashi: Hi, I'm Sashi. I'm stalking Kurt and Colossus. I've recently aquired half of Kurt's hamburger that was being sold on EBay. I've also planned a trip to Colossus' home town in Russia. I once knocked over an old lady to get Kurt's burger wrapper he threw in the trash. I think she broke her hip.........
(Sashi is overcome with emotion and Bern comforts her)
Bern: Hi, I'm Bern. I'm stalking Pietro. I am going to prove one day he's gay and he really was groping Pyro's butt in Dark Horizon part 2. I have stalked him in my high speed hovercraft that's been painted the same colors as his uniform. I will one day unmask the truth that he secretly is in love with Evan Daniels and wants him to be his "special friend." I will also prove that making costumes isn't the only thing he can do in a half of a second.
(Fio glares at Bern while muttering under her breath, 'he wasn't groping Pyro's butt....' A guy in scary black armor stands up)
Everyone Else: Hello Bern.
Dune: Hello all, there is a war upon us, but I am also stalking Rogue. Girls that can't touch people are a total turn on for me. I have built a large statue in my living room of her, and I've dressed my blow up doll in clothing of hers that I... uh ...... borrowed from the laundromat she gets her clotes dry cleaned at.
Everyone else: Hello Dune.
(The guy next to Bern stands up.)
Az: Hello everyone, I'm Azguhl. I'm stalking Wanda. I love angry angsty mental cases who want to kill their dad's. I think I first fell in love with Wanda when she first hexed that mental hospital securtity guard..... it was beautiful. Sometimes at night, I dress in my Wanda costume and say into the mirror.... I love you Azguhl!
Everyone else: Hello Az.
(A girl wearing a red cape stands up)
Marvel: Hello my name is Marvel, and I'm stalking Magneto. I love older guys with white hair and that wear bucket hats. I made this cape to look just like his and one day, I'd like to have a helmet like his so I can wear it when I marry him. Magneto......... ahhhhhhhhhh (Marvel slips of into Magneto Land)
Everyone else: Hello Marvel.
(The last girl stands up. She's wearing all blue and has vampire fangs in her mouth and a tail pinned to the butt of her jeans)
Val: Hi, I'm Val, I'm stalking Kurt. I love fuzzy little elves and he's just so huggable and he's got an accent! (Val sighs and hugs the stuffed Kurt doll she made) My goal in life is to own his image inducer watch. I also have stolen his burgers from the burger place he loves to go to, and I've also gotten a lock of his fur. Don't ask me how, the police are still investigating the incident.....
Everyone else: Hello Val.
Bern: We are all obsessed. What should we do?
Az: Steal more stuff?
Dune: We could go on a outing.
Az: To steal stuff!
Marvel: But where would we go?
Az: Yeah, to steal stuff.
Jess: (extends arm up from her elbow making the #1 gesture) We'll go where no Evotic has gone before......
(Everyone looks at Jess. Some look scared because Jess is not the poster child for sanity)
Jess: I have a plan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~At the Institute~
(Meanwhile at the Xavier Institute, the X-Men, Brotherhood, and Acolytes are sitting down to a nice Christmas dinner.)
BAMPH!
Kitty: Kurt! If you like want something ask for it!
Scott: Would you like some bread Jean?
Jean: (giggling) Thank you Scott.
Rogue: Oh barf.
Remy: Don be like dat chere! I'd offer you more den bread.....
Mystique: Don't you talk to my daughter that way!
Rogue: You're not my mother!
Pyro: (manipulates flames on candles to look like nude butts) Crikey! That's what I call a full moon!
Lance: Hey Kitty!
Kitty: Like, drop dead Lance.
Pietro: HA!
Wanda: Shut up Pietro or face my wrath!
Magneto: Wanda! Is that anyway to talk to your brother?
Wanda: (under her breath) Piss off Dad.
Beast: Now Wanda, It's Christmas, please show your fellow mutants some courtesy.
(Beast is interrupted by Charles who enters the room popping a wheelie)
Xavier: My fellow mutants, I have some distressing news.
Scott: (interrupting) Magneto died?
Eden: Magneto's sitting right next to you stupid.
Sabertooth: (growling) Wolverine........
Lance: Oh just shut up!
Jean: Everyone! Be quiet! What's wrong Professor?
Xavier: Cerebro has picked up the mental signautes of eight..
Scott: (Interrupting again) Llamas?
Kurt: Bunnies?
Lance: Morons?
Pietro: Hot Chicks?
Xavier: NO! Eight highly disturbed individuals.
Logan: (frowning) Disturbed? How disturbed?
(Before Xavier can answer three people bust into the dining room. One's a red head with handmade Pyro and Sabertooth plushies, the other is in a shirt that says I love Colossus and Kurt in russian, and the third is wearing evil black armor)
Magneto: HEY! HE STOLE MY OUTFIT!
Fio: Where........are........they...............(sees Sabertooth and Pyro sitting next to eachother)EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Sabertooth looks bewildered as Fio charges him and Pyro)
Sabertooth: RAAAAWWWRRRR!
Fio: Here my handsome kitty!
(gives Sabertooth cat nip ball and Sabertooth begins to purr)
Pyro: Uh oh.....
Fio: PYRO!! (glomps Pyro)
(Meanwhile Sashi has jumped into Colossus' lap)
Colossus: Who are you? I am not knowing who you are.
Sashi: I'm your future wife baby cakes!
Colossus: Baby Cakes? I am not understanding.
(Sashi whispers some *ahem* suggestive stuff into Colossus' ear. He turns bright red)
Rogue: GET AWAY! (throws chair at Dune who's chasing her)
Mystique: Get away from my daughter!
Dune: Shut up shifty!
(Rogue runs out of the room followed by Mystique)
Mystique: Just let me love you!
Rogue: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You're worse than that creep in the armor!
(They run away)
(Everyone is interrupted again by the floor shaking)
Kitty: Quit trying to rock the world Lance.
Lance: It's not me.
(Suddenly, the floor starts to lift in one spot and the sound of saws cutting through wood has everyone gaping under the table. Finally, three people pop up through the hole in the floor)
Bern: AHH! About damn time! I feel like I've been digging for days.
Az: We have.
Marvel: No we haven't.
Az: How would you know? We could have vertigo.....
Marvel: (smacks head on underside of table) OW! DAMN IT!
Az: Told you.
(The three of them crawl out form under the table)
Jean: Who are you people? What do you want?
Bern: Oh shut up Red. (Decks Jean. Jean crumbles onto the floor) Now where's that Speedy of mine?
Pietro: I'm outta here!
(Pietro tries to speed past Bern, but using the sheer power of her will, plus few Jedi powers, Bern is able to grab him)
Bern: So.......... Pietro...........how come you were groping Pyro's butt?
Pyro: GAAAAK! (Fio has him in headlock and is scratching a purring Sabertooth behind the ears)
Fio: PYRO IS NOT GAY!
Bern: Pietro is! Aren't ya?!?
Pietro: AHHHHH!
Az: Heh heh heh. She'll wear you down too. (spots Wanda)WANDA!!!
(Az runs to Wanda who's trying to hex everything to keep him away. He leaps off the table and tackles her)
Wanda: Are you working for my father?
Az: I love you Wanda! Marry me!
Marvel: HA! (spots Magneto) OH MY GOD!! (she starts squealing)
Xavier: RUN MAGNUS RUN!
Marvel: Sorry Mags, even your powers of metal manipulation are no match for me!
(Marvel busts out into some matrix type levitaion moves and pins Magneto against the wall)
Marvel: So my love..... come here often?
Sashi: (looks at watch while nearly violating Colossus) Where's Jess and Val? They're late.
Az: They're probably out stealing stuff. (pouts) I WANT TO STEAL STUFF!
Remy: You all be nuts.
Az: Just wait man.
Bern: Heh heh heh.
Dune: You haven't seen anything yet. Wait until Jess gets here....
(The sound of crashing glass grabs everyone's attention and two black ropes fall from the broken skylight. Two figures start to repel down the ropes. One is a chubby blonde girl with a gambit action figure in one cargo pocket and a barbie doll in the other cargo pocket of her black pants. The other girl is wearing vampire fangs and a blue tail pinned to the butt of her jeans)
Val: Sorry we're late. Jess had to steal some stuff from the Brotherhood house and the Acolyte base.
Magneto: How did you get in there?
Lance: How did you get into the Brotherhood house?
(Val and Jess jump to the floor and pull off their climbing gloves)
Jess: No one was there stupid. I brought presents for everyone!
All Stalkers: YAY! PRESENTS!
Val: Ok, from Santa Val, we have for Sashi, Colosuss' family portrait and his spare uniform.....
Sashi: YES!
Jess: Ok, from Santa Jess, we have for Fio, Pyro's bed blanket and Sabertooth's toothbrush. Look! He has a crest spin brush!
Fio: My shrines are nearly complete....
Val: For Marvel we have Magsie's spare bucket hat!
Marvel: Now I can wear it when we marry....
Jess: For Bern, we h ave Pietro's hair brush and this secret love letter he wrote to Evan. That was hard to find. I had to actually dig into the matress to find this......
Bern: I KNEW IT! PIETRO'S GAY!
Eden: Ha!
Val: For Azzy we have Wanda's spare spiky choker and her spare trenchcoat.
Az: (sniffs coat) It smells like Wanda..........
Jess: Before we busted in, we also uh..... "borrowed" some stuff from the X-Men. For Dune, we have a pair of Rogue's gloves and her 'I hate the World' pin.
Dune: YESS!!!!!
Val: And I stole, uh 'borrowed' Kurts, image inducer.
Kurt: Hey! Give it back!
Val: NO! (spots Kurt dangling from teh chandelier)
Kurt: oh no..... (tries to run but is glomped by Val)
Val: I LOVE YOU! You're such a cuuuute furry elf.
Kurt: Well chicks to dig the fuzzy one.
Jess: Not me.
Fio: So Jess. What did YOU steal?
Jess: Heh heh heh, what DIDN'T I steal? I had to steal........ uh... 'borrow' a U-haul to get all the stuff out......
(Jess spots Remy. He gives her a wierd look.)
Jess: Herk.....................ungh................eeek................(makes wierd noises, like her brain short circuted)
Dune: This could be bad................RUN REMY RUN!
Az: Bad nothing! Who wants to bet on how long before her head explodes?
Jess: Eng.......(stands frozen in one place)
Remy: Is de femme ok?
Fio: Just wait............
Az: Ok, who's in? I have Fio saying Jess'll pass out, Bern and Sashi give her another thirty seconds before she starts screeching.......... Val? What's that? You say she'll freak out and glomp him.... ok, I can't give you good odds on that, she looks like she isn't moving anytime soon at the moment.
Scott: Don't I have a stalker?
Sashi: No. You suck.
Fio: Ha ha! Shades is upset because no one is stalking him!
Jess: Uhhhh...................
Az: Man! She's not moving!
Bern: I think her brain finally short circuted.
Fio: Or it spontaneously combusted....
Marvel: I think it melted.
Remy: What is wrong with her?
Dune: Well for starters..... well no. I don't have enough time to explain that.
Sashi: Oh be nice!
Az: No. Let's not.
Pietro: (running away from Bern again) LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CRAZY NUTJOB! I'M NOT GAY!
Bern: Speedy! It's ok!
Pietro: AHHHHHHHHH!
Sashi: So Colossus, you hot hunk of Russian man meat, you probably need a green card right?
Colossus: Man Meat? What is it you are meaning by this?
Sashi: I looooove when you butcher the english language.
(Rogue re enters the room)
Dune: ROGUE! MY LOOOOOOVE!
(Dune rushes to glomp Rogue but trips over a still unconsious Jean)
Dune: Stupid redhead! (kicks Jean)
Rogue: Ha ha!
Val: So Kurt, cutie pie, what do you think of my friends?
Kurt: Strange. All of them. Except her. (points to Jess)
Val: (laughing in a knowing way) Just wait until she starts to function again...... heh heh heh
Kurt: (raises eyebrow) Will it be amusing?
Val: Remy has no idea what's about to hit him. He may need some accident insurance that covers acts of God because Hurricane Jess is gonna be big!
Fio: So Pyro.... Why was Pietro grabbing your delectable behind? Why didn't you cut of his hand or something?
Pyro: Can't............breathe....................
Fio: Sorry! (loosens grip, is about to ask Pyro something when a loud screechin startles everyone)
Val: Here we go............
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Az: (looks at Remy, then at Jess, then at Remy again) RUN REMY RUUUUUN!
(Jess leaps onto the table and throws herself at Remy, almost knocking them both over)
Remy: What the he....
Jess: AHHHHHHH! (glomps Remy)
Val: Ahem Az. I belive I won the bet.
Az: Damn it!
(Jess has attached herself to Remy. She's squeezing him around the wait with her arms. It resembles the Bear Hug of d00000m)
Jess: Oh my god! It's you! I'm finally meeting you! After years and years of stealing everything you touch I'm in the same room as you! AHHHHHH!
Remy: (looks bewildered) Dis femme has snapped!
Jess: (sobbing tears of joy) Now we can finally be married. We'll live in New Orleans and Sashi, Marvel and Fio can live down the street and we can have barbeques....
Az: And pet rabbits....
Jess: NO! NO RABBITS! THEY ARE EEEEEEVIIIIIIL!
Remy: Rabbits? Evil?
Jess: (squeezing Remy tighter) Oh happy day.....
Remy: Urk..... I think my spleen just ruptured.
Fio: Why don't you use handcuffs Jess? (holds up arm with handcuff attaching herself to Pyro)
Jess: Because he'd just charge them and blow them up.
Sashi: Oh yeah.....
Marvel: What's wrong Remy? (starts to laugh) The Ragin Cajun finally meet a woman that's too much for himself?
Remy: Dis isn't any normal femme. She's all hyped up on crazy pills.....
Jess: (still hugging Remy) I love you Remy.......
Remy: (to Rogue) Chere! Help me!
Rogue: No. This is amusing.
Remy: Please Chere, she's crushing my ribs...
Rogue: (rolls eyes and sighs) Fine. This time only.(Rogue takes off glove and advances on Jess)
Jess: I don't think so sweetheart! (whips out Bern's tranquilzer gun and shoots a dart into Rogue's neck) Sleepy time!
Rogue: What the.....(slumps onto the ground)
Remy: Chere!
Jess: (furious) WHY? WHY DO YOU LOVE HER MORE THAN ME? WHY WHY WHY???
Remy: You're crazy!
Jess: (still sobbing while her heart is breaking) I'M ONLY CRAZY ABOUT YOU ! BUT NOOOOOOO! YOU'RE SO BLINDED BY HER THAT YOU DON'T SEE ME!
(Meanwhile everyone else has pulled up chairs and are passing around numerous tubs of popcorn and watching the Jess and Remy show and betting on various things)
Fio: (passes popcorn to Pyro) Man, this is better than tv.....
Az: (pulls out notepad) Ok, who wants to bet she'll attack him again and make him forcebly wed her?
Lance: I will.
Kitty: Shut up. Like, no one's asking you.
Scott; I still can't belive I don't have a stalker!
Bern: (rolling her eyes) Get over it shades. You're dull as dirt.
Kurt: Man, I've never seen anyone cry like that.....
Sashi: Well geez! He wants another woman! Of course she's gonna cry.
Pyro: (cackling) I can't believe she shot Rogue in the neck with a tranquilizer!
Bern: Why not? Az and I shoot Jess and Fio in the neck with tranqs all the time.... they seem to fight it off to fast though.....
Rogue: (unconsious on floor) uuuurrrrggg......
Wanda: Heh heh heh. I may need to borrow that gun....
Magneto: Can't you let your vengance rest for one night?
Wanda: NO! I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Az: I love when she says that!
Wanda: (pokes Az in arm) Shut up stalker boy.
(Everyone's attention is once again drawn to Jess and Remy)
Jess: (not crying anymore and clinging to Remy again) God I love your cologne. I'm so glad I stole that bottle from the Acolyte base...
Remy: You STOLE my cologne?
Val: Among other things.....
Jess: Yeah, and your bed and all your extra clothes. Basically anything that wasn't nailed down....
Remy: Did you leave ANYTHING behind?
Jess: (thinks for a moment) Uhhhh...... nope! I took it all. Oh yeah, I have your motorcycle too......
Remy: You're a *bleeping* klepto!
Jess: One thief steals another thief's stuff..... how romantic...
(Annoyed and kind of uncomfortable, Remy manages to get out of his trenchcoat. He tosses it on a chair and notices Jess eyeballing it)
Remy: Don't even THINK about stealing my coat.
Az: (mutters) Too late.
Jess: I wasn't going to steal it!
Az: (coughing) Yeah right.
Jess: SPORK!
Az: (shudders in fear) NOOOO! NOt the spork!
(Once again they are interrupted, but this time by Xavier who is popping wheelies in his wheelchair. He's also wearing a lampshade on his head.)
Bern: What's up with chuckles?
Scott: (shakes head) I told him not to drink that wine cooler.....
Xavier: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Wheel of Xavier's chair hits the corner of the rug mid-wheelie and Xavier goes flying)
Xavier: AHHHHH!
(Everyone laughs as Xavier flies across the room, smacking into the wall. Scott rushes over to pick him up)
Xavier: Thank you Jean.
Scott: I'm not Jean!
Xavier: Sure you are Jean!
Scott: UGH! (tosses hands in air in frustration)
(The ominous music from the end of Dark Horizons part 2 begins to play. Everyone looks around puzzled, except for Jess)
Jess: It's about damn time!
(Down through the broken skylight floats Apocolypse in his pharoh form and illuminated by his strange light effect. He lands on the floor and looks around)
Apocolypse: Am I late?
Fio: What the f...
Jess: Yes! Where the hell have you been?
Apocolypse: Don't get snippy with me missy! My car brke down on the turnpike!
Jess: (grumbling) Riiiight....
Xavier: What is HE doing here?
Rest of stalkers: Yeah! Why is he here?
Jess: (still attached to Remy) Apocolypse is a honorary member ot the Stalkers Anonymous group!
Dune: To be in the group, you have to be obsessed with someone in Evo....
Jess: He is.... oh yes... he is.
(Apocolypse spots Xavier. Using his powers he lifts Xavier out of his chair)
Xavier: Oh crap....
Apocolypse: Charles! At last! Now I can finally reveal my true feelings for you! I LOVE YOU!
Scott: EUWWWWW!
Xavier: Uh... that's very.... flattering.......
Apocolypse: Come! We must be alone!
(Apocolypse levitates the two of them up through the skylight and the dissapear)
Kitty: That was................ disturbing. I'm gonna have, like nightmares and stuff.
Kurt: Yeah...
Bern: But so cuuuuuuuuuute!
Pietro: What planet are you from?
Dune: Cute? In a disturbing way....
Jess: I love you Remy....
Remy: MERDE!
(The police bust in, guns drawn)
Police: EVERYONE FREEZE!
Scott: Is this a stick up?
Officer 1: No you moron!
Officer 2: We got a call about some hostages being held against their will...
Magneto: About time! I called you hours ago!
Officer 3: Shut your pie hole old man! Since most of you are mutants..... I'm gonna assume you're holding these nice sweet kids, and a couple of adult women against their will!
(The police begin to cuff the mutants)
Remy: THANK YOU!
Pyro: Thank you! Take me to jail! Get me away from that redhead!
Fio: I'll wait for you Pyro!
Scott: This is stupid! They broke into our house!
(Police officer looks at stalkers. Each of them has puppy dog eyes and pouty lips)
Officer 2: Riiiiight....... move it along!
Kitty: I can't belive this!
Magneto: Is this a paralell universe?
(All mutants are loaded into the paddywagon and in a howl of sirens and many flashing lights, they police drive off)
Dune: Well that was fun!
Bern: It was!
Jess: I'm soooo in love now!
Fio: Pyro............ Sabertooth................ ahhhhh!
Sashi: They took my hunksicle away!
Az: What do we do now?
Jess: Steal more stuff?
All: YAY!
(The stalkers head off into the mansion and pilfer everything. Jess "borrows" a moving truck and everyone is happy.)
~At Meeting~
(Eight people are standing around talking, the clock strikes seven o'clock and seven of them sit down. The last, a chubby blonde girl stands behind the podium and bangs her gavel. She's wearing a I LUV REMY T-shirt)
Jess:(banging gavel) ATTENTION! I hereby call this meeting of the X-Men Evolution Stalkers Anonymous to order. Hi, I'm Jess, and I'm stalking Remy LeBeau. It all started when I was 11. (takes deep breath) My obsession got worse when I discovered X-Men Evolution. I carry a Gambit action figure with me where ever I go. (Pulls action figure out of left pocket) I even made a Jess action figure. (Pulls barbie out of right pocket. The hair is cut to shoulder lenghth and the doll is also wearing a I LUV REMY shirt. Jess makes the dolls make out) Now, I stalk Remy and steal anything he touches.
Everyone else: Hi Jess!
Jess: Anyone else care to share?
(A redhead stands up)
Fio: Hi. I"m Fiora and I'm stalking Pyro and Sabertooth. (sighs) I've stolen all of Sabertooth's cat toys and I sleep with his cat nip ball under my pillow. I also have a Pyro shrine in my closet. When he got his last haircut, the barber kept his hair for me. (pulls locket from under shirt) I keep a lock of his hair close to my heart.
Everyone else: Hello Fio!
(Another girl stands up. She's wearing a shirt that says I love Colossus and Kurt in russian)
Sashi: Hi, I'm Sashi. I'm stalking Kurt and Colossus. I've recently aquired half of Kurt's hamburger that was being sold on EBay. I've also planned a trip to Colossus' home town in Russia. I once knocked over an old lady to get Kurt's burger wrapper he threw in the trash. I think she broke her hip.........
(Sashi is overcome with emotion and Bern comforts her)
Bern: Hi, I'm Bern. I'm stalking Pietro. I am going to prove one day he's gay and he really was groping Pyro's butt in Dark Horizon part 2. I have stalked him in my high speed hovercraft that's been painted the same colors as his uniform. I will one day unmask the truth that he secretly is in love with Evan Daniels and wants him to be his "special friend." I will also prove that making costumes isn't the only thing he can do in a half of a second.
(Fio glares at Bern while muttering under her breath, 'he wasn't groping Pyro's butt....' A guy in scary black armor stands up)
Everyone Else: Hello Bern.
Dune: Hello all, there is a war upon us, but I am also stalking Rogue. Girls that can't touch people are a total turn on for me. I have built a large statue in my living room of her, and I've dressed my blow up doll in clothing of hers that I... uh ...... borrowed from the laundromat she gets her clotes dry cleaned at.
Everyone else: Hello Dune.
(The guy next to Bern stands up.)
Az: Hello everyone, I'm Azguhl. I'm stalking Wanda. I love angry angsty mental cases who want to kill their dad's. I think I first fell in love with Wanda when she first hexed that mental hospital securtity guard..... it was beautiful. Sometimes at night, I dress in my Wanda costume and say into the mirror.... I love you Azguhl!
Everyone else: Hello Az.
(A girl wearing a red cape stands up)
Marvel: Hello my name is Marvel, and I'm stalking Magneto. I love older guys with white hair and that wear bucket hats. I made this cape to look just like his and one day, I'd like to have a helmet like his so I can wear it when I marry him. Magneto......... ahhhhhhhhhh (Marvel slips of into Magneto Land)
Everyone else: Hello Marvel.
(The last girl stands up. She's wearing all blue and has vampire fangs in her mouth and a tail pinned to the butt of her jeans)
Val: Hi, I'm Val, I'm stalking Kurt. I love fuzzy little elves and he's just so huggable and he's got an accent! (Val sighs and hugs the stuffed Kurt doll she made) My goal in life is to own his image inducer watch. I also have stolen his burgers from the burger place he loves to go to, and I've also gotten a lock of his fur. Don't ask me how, the police are still investigating the incident.....
Everyone else: Hello Val.
Bern: We are all obsessed. What should we do?
Az: Steal more stuff?
Dune: We could go on a outing.
Az: To steal stuff!
Marvel: But where would we go?
Az: Yeah, to steal stuff.
Jess: (extends arm up from her elbow making the #1 gesture) We'll go where no Evotic has gone before......
(Everyone looks at Jess. Some look scared because Jess is not the poster child for sanity)
Jess: I have a plan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~At the Institute~
(Meanwhile at the Xavier Institute, the X-Men, Brotherhood, and Acolytes are sitting down to a nice Christmas dinner.)
BAMPH!
Kitty: Kurt! If you like want something ask for it!
Scott: Would you like some bread Jean?
Jean: (giggling) Thank you Scott.
Rogue: Oh barf.
Remy: Don be like dat chere! I'd offer you more den bread.....
Mystique: Don't you talk to my daughter that way!
Rogue: You're not my mother!
Pyro: (manipulates flames on candles to look like nude butts) Crikey! That's what I call a full moon!
Lance: Hey Kitty!
Kitty: Like, drop dead Lance.
Pietro: HA!
Wanda: Shut up Pietro or face my wrath!
Magneto: Wanda! Is that anyway to talk to your brother?
Wanda: (under her breath) Piss off Dad.
Beast: Now Wanda, It's Christmas, please show your fellow mutants some courtesy.
(Beast is interrupted by Charles who enters the room popping a wheelie)
Xavier: My fellow mutants, I have some distressing news.
Scott: (interrupting) Magneto died?
Eden: Magneto's sitting right next to you stupid.
Sabertooth: (growling) Wolverine........
Lance: Oh just shut up!
Jean: Everyone! Be quiet! What's wrong Professor?
Xavier: Cerebro has picked up the mental signautes of eight..
Scott: (Interrupting again) Llamas?
Kurt: Bunnies?
Lance: Morons?
Pietro: Hot Chicks?
Xavier: NO! Eight highly disturbed individuals.
Logan: (frowning) Disturbed? How disturbed?
(Before Xavier can answer three people bust into the dining room. One's a red head with handmade Pyro and Sabertooth plushies, the other is in a shirt that says I love Colossus and Kurt in russian, and the third is wearing evil black armor)
Magneto: HEY! HE STOLE MY OUTFIT!
Fio: Where........are........they...............(sees Sabertooth and Pyro sitting next to eachother)EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Sabertooth looks bewildered as Fio charges him and Pyro)
Sabertooth: RAAAAWWWRRRR!
Fio: Here my handsome kitty!
(gives Sabertooth cat nip ball and Sabertooth begins to purr)
Pyro: Uh oh.....
Fio: PYRO!! (glomps Pyro)
(Meanwhile Sashi has jumped into Colossus' lap)
Colossus: Who are you? I am not knowing who you are.
Sashi: I'm your future wife baby cakes!
Colossus: Baby Cakes? I am not understanding.
(Sashi whispers some *ahem* suggestive stuff into Colossus' ear. He turns bright red)
Rogue: GET AWAY! (throws chair at Dune who's chasing her)
Mystique: Get away from my daughter!
Dune: Shut up shifty!
(Rogue runs out of the room followed by Mystique)
Mystique: Just let me love you!
Rogue: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You're worse than that creep in the armor!
(They run away)
(Everyone is interrupted again by the floor shaking)
Kitty: Quit trying to rock the world Lance.
Lance: It's not me.
(Suddenly, the floor starts to lift in one spot and the sound of saws cutting through wood has everyone gaping under the table. Finally, three people pop up through the hole in the floor)
Bern: AHH! About damn time! I feel like I've been digging for days.
Az: We have.
Marvel: No we haven't.
Az: How would you know? We could have vertigo.....
Marvel: (smacks head on underside of table) OW! DAMN IT!
Az: Told you.
(The three of them crawl out form under the table)
Jean: Who are you people? What do you want?
Bern: Oh shut up Red. (Decks Jean. Jean crumbles onto the floor) Now where's that Speedy of mine?
Pietro: I'm outta here!
(Pietro tries to speed past Bern, but using the sheer power of her will, plus few Jedi powers, Bern is able to grab him)
Bern: So.......... Pietro...........how come you were groping Pyro's butt?
Pyro: GAAAAK! (Fio has him in headlock and is scratching a purring Sabertooth behind the ears)
Fio: PYRO IS NOT GAY!
Bern: Pietro is! Aren't ya?!?
Pietro: AHHHHH!
Az: Heh heh heh. She'll wear you down too. (spots Wanda)WANDA!!!
(Az runs to Wanda who's trying to hex everything to keep him away. He leaps off the table and tackles her)
Wanda: Are you working for my father?
Az: I love you Wanda! Marry me!
Marvel: HA! (spots Magneto) OH MY GOD!! (she starts squealing)
Xavier: RUN MAGNUS RUN!
Marvel: Sorry Mags, even your powers of metal manipulation are no match for me!
(Marvel busts out into some matrix type levitaion moves and pins Magneto against the wall)
Marvel: So my love..... come here often?
Sashi: (looks at watch while nearly violating Colossus) Where's Jess and Val? They're late.
Az: They're probably out stealing stuff. (pouts) I WANT TO STEAL STUFF!
Remy: You all be nuts.
Az: Just wait man.
Bern: Heh heh heh.
Dune: You haven't seen anything yet. Wait until Jess gets here....
(The sound of crashing glass grabs everyone's attention and two black ropes fall from the broken skylight. Two figures start to repel down the ropes. One is a chubby blonde girl with a gambit action figure in one cargo pocket and a barbie doll in the other cargo pocket of her black pants. The other girl is wearing vampire fangs and a blue tail pinned to the butt of her jeans)
Val: Sorry we're late. Jess had to steal some stuff from the Brotherhood house and the Acolyte base.
Magneto: How did you get in there?
Lance: How did you get into the Brotherhood house?
(Val and Jess jump to the floor and pull off their climbing gloves)
Jess: No one was there stupid. I brought presents for everyone!
All Stalkers: YAY! PRESENTS!
Val: Ok, from Santa Val, we have for Sashi, Colosuss' family portrait and his spare uniform.....
Sashi: YES!
Jess: Ok, from Santa Jess, we have for Fio, Pyro's bed blanket and Sabertooth's toothbrush. Look! He has a crest spin brush!
Fio: My shrines are nearly complete....
Val: For Marvel we have Magsie's spare bucket hat!
Marvel: Now I can wear it when we marry....
Jess: For Bern, we h ave Pietro's hair brush and this secret love letter he wrote to Evan. That was hard to find. I had to actually dig into the matress to find this......
Bern: I KNEW IT! PIETRO'S GAY!
Eden: Ha!
Val: For Azzy we have Wanda's spare spiky choker and her spare trenchcoat.
Az: (sniffs coat) It smells like Wanda..........
Jess: Before we busted in, we also uh..... "borrowed" some stuff from the X-Men. For Dune, we have a pair of Rogue's gloves and her 'I hate the World' pin.
Dune: YESS!!!!!
Val: And I stole, uh 'borrowed' Kurts, image inducer.
Kurt: Hey! Give it back!
Val: NO! (spots Kurt dangling from teh chandelier)
Kurt: oh no..... (tries to run but is glomped by Val)
Val: I LOVE YOU! You're such a cuuuute furry elf.
Kurt: Well chicks to dig the fuzzy one.
Jess: Not me.
Fio: So Jess. What did YOU steal?
Jess: Heh heh heh, what DIDN'T I steal? I had to steal........ uh... 'borrow' a U-haul to get all the stuff out......
(Jess spots Remy. He gives her a wierd look.)
Jess: Herk.....................ungh................eeek................(makes wierd noises, like her brain short circuted)
Dune: This could be bad................RUN REMY RUN!
Az: Bad nothing! Who wants to bet on how long before her head explodes?
Jess: Eng.......(stands frozen in one place)
Remy: Is de femme ok?
Fio: Just wait............
Az: Ok, who's in? I have Fio saying Jess'll pass out, Bern and Sashi give her another thirty seconds before she starts screeching.......... Val? What's that? You say she'll freak out and glomp him.... ok, I can't give you good odds on that, she looks like she isn't moving anytime soon at the moment.
Scott: Don't I have a stalker?
Sashi: No. You suck.
Fio: Ha ha! Shades is upset because no one is stalking him!
Jess: Uhhhh...................
Az: Man! She's not moving!
Bern: I think her brain finally short circuted.
Fio: Or it spontaneously combusted....
Marvel: I think it melted.
Remy: What is wrong with her?
Dune: Well for starters..... well no. I don't have enough time to explain that.
Sashi: Oh be nice!
Az: No. Let's not.
Pietro: (running away from Bern again) LEAVE ME ALONE YOU CRAZY NUTJOB! I'M NOT GAY!
Bern: Speedy! It's ok!
Pietro: AHHHHHHHHH!
Sashi: So Colossus, you hot hunk of Russian man meat, you probably need a green card right?
Colossus: Man Meat? What is it you are meaning by this?
Sashi: I looooove when you butcher the english language.
(Rogue re enters the room)
Dune: ROGUE! MY LOOOOOOVE!
(Dune rushes to glomp Rogue but trips over a still unconsious Jean)
Dune: Stupid redhead! (kicks Jean)
Rogue: Ha ha!
Val: So Kurt, cutie pie, what do you think of my friends?
Kurt: Strange. All of them. Except her. (points to Jess)
Val: (laughing in a knowing way) Just wait until she starts to function again...... heh heh heh
Kurt: (raises eyebrow) Will it be amusing?
Val: Remy has no idea what's about to hit him. He may need some accident insurance that covers acts of God because Hurricane Jess is gonna be big!
Fio: So Pyro.... Why was Pietro grabbing your delectable behind? Why didn't you cut of his hand or something?
Pyro: Can't............breathe....................
Fio: Sorry! (loosens grip, is about to ask Pyro something when a loud screechin startles everyone)
Val: Here we go............
Jess: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Az: (looks at Remy, then at Jess, then at Remy again) RUN REMY RUUUUUN!
(Jess leaps onto the table and throws herself at Remy, almost knocking them both over)
Remy: What the he....
Jess: AHHHHHHH! (glomps Remy)
Val: Ahem Az. I belive I won the bet.
Az: Damn it!
(Jess has attached herself to Remy. She's squeezing him around the wait with her arms. It resembles the Bear Hug of d00000m)
Jess: Oh my god! It's you! I'm finally meeting you! After years and years of stealing everything you touch I'm in the same room as you! AHHHHHH!
Remy: (looks bewildered) Dis femme has snapped!
Jess: (sobbing tears of joy) Now we can finally be married. We'll live in New Orleans and Sashi, Marvel and Fio can live down the street and we can have barbeques....
Az: And pet rabbits....
Jess: NO! NO RABBITS! THEY ARE EEEEEEVIIIIIIL!
Remy: Rabbits? Evil?
Jess: (squeezing Remy tighter) Oh happy day.....
Remy: Urk..... I think my spleen just ruptured.
Fio: Why don't you use handcuffs Jess? (holds up arm with handcuff attaching herself to Pyro)
Jess: Because he'd just charge them and blow them up.
Sashi: Oh yeah.....
Marvel: What's wrong Remy? (starts to laugh) The Ragin Cajun finally meet a woman that's too much for himself?
Remy: Dis isn't any normal femme. She's all hyped up on crazy pills.....
Jess: (still hugging Remy) I love you Remy.......
Remy: (to Rogue) Chere! Help me!
Rogue: No. This is amusing.
Remy: Please Chere, she's crushing my ribs...
Rogue: (rolls eyes and sighs) Fine. This time only.(Rogue takes off glove and advances on Jess)
Jess: I don't think so sweetheart! (whips out Bern's tranquilzer gun and shoots a dart into Rogue's neck) Sleepy time!
Rogue: What the.....(slumps onto the ground)
Remy: Chere!
Jess: (furious) WHY? WHY DO YOU LOVE HER MORE THAN ME? WHY WHY WHY???
Remy: You're crazy!
Jess: (still sobbing while her heart is breaking) I'M ONLY CRAZY ABOUT YOU ! BUT NOOOOOOO! YOU'RE SO BLINDED BY HER THAT YOU DON'T SEE ME!
(Meanwhile everyone else has pulled up chairs and are passing around numerous tubs of popcorn and watching the Jess and Remy show and betting on various things)
Fio: (passes popcorn to Pyro) Man, this is better than tv.....
Az: (pulls out notepad) Ok, who wants to bet she'll attack him again and make him forcebly wed her?
Lance: I will.
Kitty: Shut up. Like, no one's asking you.
Scott; I still can't belive I don't have a stalker!
Bern: (rolling her eyes) Get over it shades. You're dull as dirt.
Kurt: Man, I've never seen anyone cry like that.....
Sashi: Well geez! He wants another woman! Of course she's gonna cry.
Pyro: (cackling) I can't believe she shot Rogue in the neck with a tranquilizer!
Bern: Why not? Az and I shoot Jess and Fio in the neck with tranqs all the time.... they seem to fight it off to fast though.....
Rogue: (unconsious on floor) uuuurrrrggg......
Wanda: Heh heh heh. I may need to borrow that gun....
Magneto: Can't you let your vengance rest for one night?
Wanda: NO! I WILL DESTROY YOU!
Az: I love when she says that!
Wanda: (pokes Az in arm) Shut up stalker boy.
(Everyone's attention is once again drawn to Jess and Remy)
Jess: (not crying anymore and clinging to Remy again) God I love your cologne. I'm so glad I stole that bottle from the Acolyte base...
Remy: You STOLE my cologne?
Val: Among other things.....
Jess: Yeah, and your bed and all your extra clothes. Basically anything that wasn't nailed down....
Remy: Did you leave ANYTHING behind?
Jess: (thinks for a moment) Uhhhh...... nope! I took it all. Oh yeah, I have your motorcycle too......
Remy: You're a *bleeping* klepto!
Jess: One thief steals another thief's stuff..... how romantic...
(Annoyed and kind of uncomfortable, Remy manages to get out of his trenchcoat. He tosses it on a chair and notices Jess eyeballing it)
Remy: Don't even THINK about stealing my coat.
Az: (mutters) Too late.
Jess: I wasn't going to steal it!
Az: (coughing) Yeah right.
Jess: SPORK!
Az: (shudders in fear) NOOOO! NOt the spork!
(Once again they are interrupted, but this time by Xavier who is popping wheelies in his wheelchair. He's also wearing a lampshade on his head.)
Bern: What's up with chuckles?
Scott: (shakes head) I told him not to drink that wine cooler.....
Xavier: WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Wheel of Xavier's chair hits the corner of the rug mid-wheelie and Xavier goes flying)
Xavier: AHHHHH!
(Everyone laughs as Xavier flies across the room, smacking into the wall. Scott rushes over to pick him up)
Xavier: Thank you Jean.
Scott: I'm not Jean!
Xavier: Sure you are Jean!
Scott: UGH! (tosses hands in air in frustration)
(The ominous music from the end of Dark Horizons part 2 begins to play. Everyone looks around puzzled, except for Jess)
Jess: It's about damn time!
(Down through the broken skylight floats Apocolypse in his pharoh form and illuminated by his strange light effect. He lands on the floor and looks around)
Apocolypse: Am I late?
Fio: What the f...
Jess: Yes! Where the hell have you been?
Apocolypse: Don't get snippy with me missy! My car brke down on the turnpike!
Jess: (grumbling) Riiiight....
Xavier: What is HE doing here?
Rest of stalkers: Yeah! Why is he here?
Jess: (still attached to Remy) Apocolypse is a honorary member ot the Stalkers Anonymous group!
Dune: To be in the group, you have to be obsessed with someone in Evo....
Jess: He is.... oh yes... he is.
(Apocolypse spots Xavier. Using his powers he lifts Xavier out of his chair)
Xavier: Oh crap....
Apocolypse: Charles! At last! Now I can finally reveal my true feelings for you! I LOVE YOU!
Scott: EUWWWWW!
Xavier: Uh... that's very.... flattering.......
Apocolypse: Come! We must be alone!
(Apocolypse levitates the two of them up through the skylight and the dissapear)
Kitty: That was................ disturbing. I'm gonna have, like nightmares and stuff.
Kurt: Yeah...
Bern: But so cuuuuuuuuuute!
Pietro: What planet are you from?
Dune: Cute? In a disturbing way....
Jess: I love you Remy....
Remy: MERDE!
(The police bust in, guns drawn)
Police: EVERYONE FREEZE!
Scott: Is this a stick up?
Officer 1: No you moron!
Officer 2: We got a call about some hostages being held against their will...
Magneto: About time! I called you hours ago!
Officer 3: Shut your pie hole old man! Since most of you are mutants..... I'm gonna assume you're holding these nice sweet kids, and a couple of adult women against their will!
(The police begin to cuff the mutants)
Remy: THANK YOU!
Pyro: Thank you! Take me to jail! Get me away from that redhead!
Fio: I'll wait for you Pyro!
Scott: This is stupid! They broke into our house!
(Police officer looks at stalkers. Each of them has puppy dog eyes and pouty lips)
Officer 2: Riiiiight....... move it along!
Kitty: I can't belive this!
Magneto: Is this a paralell universe?
(All mutants are loaded into the paddywagon and in a howl of sirens and many flashing lights, they police drive off)
Dune: Well that was fun!
Bern: It was!
Jess: I'm soooo in love now!
Fio: Pyro............ Sabertooth................ ahhhhh!
Sashi: They took my hunksicle away!
Az: What do we do now?
Jess: Steal more stuff?
All: YAY!
(The stalkers head off into the mansion and pilfer everything. Jess "borrows" a moving truck and everyone is happy.)