Disclaimer: JAG belongs to DPB, Paramount, CBS et al. This is for fun, no copyright infringement is intended.

THE PRESENT

"No. NO!" screamed Mac. "This isn't the present. This is still the past!"

She saw herself bending over a seriously injured Clayton Webb, slumped into the passenger's seat of a car. He looked terrible and his raspy voice sounded even more terrible to listen to.

"Sarah... I need you..."

And the Mac of this past silenced him with a kiss.

"Well, most people tend to forget that the present is always related to both, the past and the future and can never stand alone. In fact it's very difficult to tell was exactly the present is. The moment I speak this sentence? But now it's already in the past. When you're just about to do something it's still in the future. So the present is always floating. It exists and it doesn't exist. It's the tiny moment between past and future... See what I mean?"

Mac turned her head and stared wide-eyed at her traveling companion.

The woman was taller this time and her blonde hair was very short. She crossed her arms and smiled. An elegant evening dress hugged her body. "Again a little bit much, huh?"

"The Ghost of Christmas Present, I assume?" stated Mac through gritted teeth.

"Well, well, you're getting better, darling. Now back to that kiss." The woman wiggled her brows. "What was it this time? Pity? Comfort? Or did I notice a tiny, tiny spark there?"

Mac thought about that thoroughly before she answered. Finally she sighed. "It was pity. And I was trying to comfort him. But it also was... I've never felt so - close to anyone before. Not even to Harm. I don't now why not even to Harm. These hours of fear, of pain... It changed me. I've been in danger before, in life-threatening situations, but never like this... Never... I've never been so..."

"Helpless?" suggested the woman gently when Mac trailed off.

Mac nodded slowly. "Helpless, yes. HELPLESS. I thought Gunny had been killed and he was supposed to be our backup... What a joke. What a cruel cosmic joke." She glanced down without seeing anything. "I... I had lost control. I... I wasn't able to do anything to help myself, to help us... And I ... have never been so scared in my life." She looked back up into these strange old-young eyes. "It changed me. It changed everything."

The woman held her gaze steadily. "And then Harm came."

Mac just nodded again.

"And he didn't understand," finished the woman.

"No," Mac answered, "He didn't understand." She drew in a deep breath. "We were bitching and biting at each other all the time down in Paraguay. Some things... Let's just leave it with the arguments have been pretty ugly sometimes."

"Oh, yes, that guy was really mad at you."

Mac ignored her. "And as glad as I was to see Clay up and walking ... he just added fuel to the fire."

"Well, what is the saying? There's only one thing worse than a jealous man in love: Two jealous men in love."

Mac shot her a sour look.

"Freely interpreted," added the woman and smirked. "Let's see... Oh, yes, what a perfect transition because the next stop is ... there!"

The scene changed.

Mac groaned. Clayton's hospital room as she visited him together with Harm.

"Really a classic arrangement," the woman mused aloud. "Here two men - can we call them friends? Ah, maybe that's a little bit strong - and there the woman, playing with their feelings, playing one off against the other..." She threw a critical glance skywards or better to the ceiling. "Ts, ts, it's getting old, you know that? This story with the apple should really..."

"I'm NOT playing one off against the other!" Mac exploded finally. "Clay is hurt! He needs me! And Harm is acting like - like someone right out of high school!"

"Hey, hey." The woman held up her hands. "You don't have to tell me! I know that you've got two extraordinary complicated specimens of man here."

"HE had the right to tell me it can't be," Mac went on, fuming. "But when I've told him we can't be more than friends-"

"Uh, I think the 'Can't we be just friends' speech isn't very high on a man's hit-list after the girl has told him no," interrupted the woman.

Mac waved her off. "Anyway, I've told him it's over!"

"But you still can't turn away from him," the Ghost of Christmas Present answered calmly. "No matter what he says."

The scene changed.

Mac looked around in shock.

"Ah, I jumped two steps ahead. But I think that little scene in the court room including some remarks about addiction is still very vivid in your mind." The woman fluttered her eyelashes.

"This scene is also very vivid in my mind," murmured Mac sadly.

They were standing in her own apartment and listened to the harsh exchange between her and Harm about cutting one another out of their lives, about need and responsibility.

"Forget about it. It's too important for you to screw up!" Harm stormed out and Mac's other self stared shocked at the door.

"You must really be in love," commented the blonde, "You take a lot from him and still forgive him no matter how much it hurts. Any other woman would have kicked him out of her life a long time ago."

"He - he was upset," Mac mumbled, "He was afraid they'd send Mattie to a foster home..."

"That's exactly what I mean: You may have told him no but you're still thinking about him, dreaming of him. You're clinging to the hope that he'll finally declare his love to you. And you're showing him this."

Mac started with a response but the woman wiggled once more her finger.

"Oh, I don't hold it against you, darling. Your Commander is really a man worth fighting for as long as you are able to take him. And your testimony in court - and the way you talked to little Mattie's father - was really prove of your kind heart. It's difficult to find something like that in our days, believe me."

Mac stared at her. The woman held her gaze and smiled.

"In fact your kind heart is part of the problem. What brings us-" Her appearance changed. Curly dark hair fell down on her shoulders, a black pantsuit clad her body. "- to the future..."

And again the scene changed.

THE FUTURE

An older version of Mac sat on the edge of an armchair in a spacious living- room and seemed to be waiting. Her hands were clasped tightly together and her knuckles had turned white from the force.

Suddenly Clayton walked in through the door at the other end of the room. He held a small suitcase. He refused to meet her pleading eyes.

"I'll ask our lawyer to start with the papers right away. There's no reason this divorce shouldn't be handled ... civilized."

Mac got up. Her eyes were shining with tears.

"Clayton, please. Don't - don't end it like this."

He shook his head. "We don't have to end it, Sarah. It has never been there."

"That isn't true! I love you, Clay. I've spent these years with you because I wanted to. I just..." she trailed off.

"Sarah." Clayton looked so tired - and so sad. "I don't hold against you that you are not in love with me. But I do hold against you that you accepted my proposal but didn't live with your decision. Instead you've kept asking yourself how it would have been with Harm." He turned away. "And I hold against myself that I've ever told you how much I love you."

"Clay. Clay, please..."

"I'm sorry, Sarah. I can't stand this any more. I can't stand to be with you but never have you."

"Clay...!" Mac sobbed. She reached out but he left the room without looking back. The front door fell shut and Mac broke down on the floor.

Mac - the younger one - was as white as snow. She looked at the Ghost of Christmas Future who was watching the scene with a stony expression.

"No," she whispered. "This is what's going to happen? That I'll hurt him like I hurt Mic only deeper?"

The other woman turned her eyes to her. Mac swallowed. She felt terrible.

"So it's Harm? You want to show me that I have to choose Harm and-"

"Well," the dark-headed woman interrupted her mildly, "There's another future for you to see."

The scene changed.

"I can't believe it, Harm! What have you been thinking! This plane is a prototype and far from being safe! You've promised me-"

"Please, Mac," Harm sighed. He ran his fingers through his gray hair. "You know how much it's meant to me because it is a prototype. It was a damned honor they've asked me at all."

"Oh, I see! No, of course you couldn't say no!"

"And here we go again! It's still the same! You'll never stop complaining about me! Why can't you just take me as I am? Like I do? After all these years you're still trying to change me!"

"That's not true! And you never took me as I am! But I was willing to change myself and I've given up a lot to be with you! And you just take it for granted."

"To be with me? Mac, sometimes I'm not sure you're with me even when we are in the same room together! Ever since our wedding I've got the feeling you're drifting away from me! I don't have you, Mac. Not your heart."

"Harm..."

"Please, Mac. Do you really think I haven't noticed that you still feel something for Webb? That you still ask yourself how it would have been with him?"

"Harm, please..."

"Oh, stop it, Mac. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of this lie. There is no us, Mac. There has never been." Harm stormed out of the room. A door fell shut. Mac sank down on a chair and pressed a hand to her mouth.

"No," whispered the other Mac quietly and wiped a tear away. "No. Everything is wrong. Oh, Harm, Clay. Our love really is the child of a cruel father."

"Hm, that's a good one," remarked her traveling companion, "I've got to keep it in mind."

"Ooh!" Mac spat and turned away. She closed her eyes. She felt like she had aged a hundred years since this strange journey had started. She took a trembling breath.

"So whoever I'll choose I'll only bring pain and sorrow to him. So the moral of the tale is to give up all men and stay single for the rest of my life?" She laughed bitterly. "All right, maybe that's be best I can do!"

"It would be a possibility," stated the woman at her side, "But there's a problem..."

And the scene changed.

An old Mac was sitting at a kitchen-table and staring at her hands. She hadn't aged well. Deep bitter lines were engraved in her face, the loneliness in her eyes so obvious that even a single look at her hurt. She was sitting motionless, waiting for something that had never happened and now never would happen.

"You never got over Harm," the dark-headed woman explained mercilessly. "Or over Clayton. You've blocked any new relationship because you couldn't stop thinking of what might have been if you choose one of them..."

"Stop it. Stop it! STOP IT!" The younger Mac turned away, violently shaking her head and pressing both hands to her ears. "I don't want to know this! I don't want to see this! What do you want from me? I'm condemned whatever decision I'm going to make! Isn't it like that? So why are you doing this to me? What should I learn out of this journey? What do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"I want you to understand."

And the scene changed one last time.

Mac stumbled and looked around. She was back where it had begun: she was standing in the darkness not far from the wall. And the silver-headed woman was facing her. A sob shook her and then she hugged herself crying.

A long time passed until she finally calmed down. Emotionally drained from this wild rollercoaster ride through her life at breathtaking speed. And feeling a despair that was beyond anything bearable. But somehow she found the strength to look up and meet the woman's eyes.

"What do you want from me," she repeated one more time.

"To understand your problem," answered the Ghosts of Christmas softly, "Because you don't know when you have to let go."

Mac moved her head, unable to ask again.

"You never get divorced from Chris because you remembered only the good times and buried the bad. You looked at Farrow the way you did because you couldn't let go of the past. You accepted Mic's ring because you didn't want to hurt him with a no. You answered Harm's looks of longing because you couldn't stop feeling the same. You couldn't - can't turn your back on Harm - concerning a possible relationship - because you don't want to close that door. And for the same reason you can't accept this new relationship with Clayton now - and can't end it at the same time."

The woman paused and considered her closely. "You remember the first stop in the past I took you to?"

Mac's eyes grew wide.

"Yes, your parents had the same problem." The woman nodded and looked at her for a long, long moment. "There is no beginning without an ending. No joy without pain. This has already gone too far. You must decide, Sarah. Here, now, in this night and this place because you're the only one who can disentangle this web you and these two men are caught in right now. And yes, your decision will hurt at least one of them - or both. And it will probably destroy their friendship forever. But otherwise the consequences are terrible - for all of you."

Mac drew in a trembling breath. "But how should I know what's the right decision? You've shown me the future and..."

The woman shook her head and Mac went silent.

"Then you haven't learnt anything. Sarah, the future has not been written down yet. And there's no wrong decision, no right. The answer is the decision itself." She looked into Mac's confused face and sighed.

"Sarah, it doesn't matter if you turn around and go back to Harm over there and fight for his love. But if you do, really do, he's never going to let you down."

And suddenly Mac saw Harm walking away from the wall together with Mattie. And she saw him look back over his shoulder but it wasn't the wall his gaze was searching for. He was looking in the direction she had walked away earlier and his face was full of longing. Mac swallowed hard.

"It doesn't matter if you go forward and accept this love Clayton is offering so freely to you and asking so little in return. If you do, really do, he's a man easy to fall in love with."

And she saw Clay, standing in his apartment and feeding his fish. He peered into the tank, a sad expression on his face. Then he turned around and looked at the photograph of her that stood on the next table. The photo he had asked her for. And a loving smile lit up his face. Mac closed her eyes for a moment.

"And it doesn't matter if you choose to walk away and find a life for yourself because if you do, really do, you'll find the happiness you deserve. But you have to make this decision here-" The woman put a hand over her heart. "And you must be true to yourself when you make it. When you live with it. No regrets, Sarah. Never."

Mac thought about that for a long time. And the burden to make this decision tightened her heart. Finally she wiped the tears off her face. Her voice sounded feeble in her own ears.

"But I - I don't know how to do it."

The woman smiled and held a hand in front of her eyes.

"Close your eyes, Sarah, and listen. Listen to your heart."

Mac swallowed and did as she was told. At first her thoughts were running wild. But then, almost imperceptible, something happened to her. She felt the presence of the Ghosts of Christmas like a warming blanket around her. Fear and worry dropped from her like heavy wet clothes. She breathed deeply. It felt like the world itself slowed down and finally came to a rest.

And there, in this quiet and peace, her heart decided.

A smile spread over her face as a weight she had never realized to be there was lifted from her soul. The burden of her childhood was taken away and she was free. She thought she felt the touch of gentle fingers.

"Thank you," Mac whispered softly. When she opened her eyes she wasn't surprised to see that the silver-headed woman was gone.

The end.

Author's note: Who or what Mac chose? Well, what do you think? Because this time it's up to any reader to decide what he or she likes best. Thanks for the reviews.