Disclaimer:  I'm fourteen and I can't afford a laptop to write in peace. What makes you think I would own Ultimate Muscle?

Author's Note:  This one came out of the blue, that's for sure. Hopefully I didn't create any Mary Sues or Gary Stus. The canon characters may act a little out of character, but that's just probably what about fifteen more years of life (some of which with children) can do to you. Eh, we'll see how it goes.

Dikdiks Don't Play Tea Party

By Fanficworm Chapter 1:  Poker-less Poker Night

While the women were away, the men played poker over at Checkmate's house. Or at least… they had planned on playing poker, anyhow. Kid Muscle, Wally and Terry had gone out to fetch the beer and snacks—Check had run out—a job that would take "ten minutes tops, fellas, so don't y'all fret none."

Dik Dik frowned, staring down at the wooden table and shuffling the faded cards for the umpteenth time. They had gone out over an hour ago, probably getting mobbed by fans again or some stuff like that. They wouldn't have minded the girl fans. Come to think of it, he wouldn't have minded, either. Like Wally, he didn't have a wife to stop him getting to know them, and maybe a fan girl would go out with him if he were nice enough…

He cut the deck of cards again, dealing hands to empty table places. Ah, the fangirls, the bringers of comfort to his otherwise ego-deprived soul. Why didn't he go with Kid Muscle and the others, again? Oh, yeah, the kids.

Kid Muscle didn't want to hire a babysitter for Mantaro Jr. so brought him over to play out of the adults' sights, likewise with Terry and his two, Jesse and Cassidy. Since Wally had the wallet, and Checkmate had his hands full with his own two kids, "Uncle Dik Dik" was stuck with the job of babysitter. He would have gone off and let Check deal with all brood at the same time, but the king chess piece looked like he was slowly but surely losing his sanity thanks to his youngest child's inhibition to sleep.

Needless to say, leaving five children in Checkmate's care wasn't an option.

Speaking of Checkmate, he had been upstairs trying (and failing, judging by the crying) to send Perceval to sleep since Kid Muscle and the rest left. Percy was cute for a four-month old, but he wouldn't sleep some nights, particularly obvious when Checkmate would show up to training and fall asleep while sparring.

Dik Dik hoped he would never become a father if the accounts of fatherhood were true. Who'd want another Dik Dik Van Dik running around anyway? Even if he did have kids, what would he call them? Antelope? Gazelleman? No thanks. He'd take his freedom any day.

He dealt the last of the cards to the imaginary people and took a peek at the hand of cards in Terry's usual place. Straight flush. He snorted. Typical. Even when he wasn't around Terry was winning at poker.

Dik Dik gathered up the cards, placed them neatly in a pile in the middle of the table, and walked up the stairs, bored. He made his way across the small hallway, passing through a few rooms first, one of them being Perceval's nursery. Though its simple white door was no different to the hall's other simple white doors, one could tell by the wailing inside whose room it was.

"Waaaaaaaahhhh!"

"Perceval, thou hast cried for four days!"

"WAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Art thou not tired? Even in the least?"

"WAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"Wilt thou do Father a favour and please pretend to sleep for a while?" Checkmate pleaded over the impossibly loud crying, audibly on the verge of breaking down. Dik Dik raised an eyebrow and peered inside, just to see if his friend was beyond help.

He was.

The king chess piece was losing his sanity thanks to his infant son, and the infant son bawled his little lungs out thanks to the king chess piece. Dik Dik backed away from the scene, vowing never to father a child.

"Uncle Dik Dik?" a small voice with a Texan drawl asked, accompanied by a tug on his jacket.

Dik Dik turned around and bent down to meet the blonde girl in the eye, trying his best to muster a cheerful look. "Cassidy, don't scare your uncle like that."

Cassidy frowned, the K birthmark on her forehead wrinkling slightly. "You didn't look a-feared to me."

"But you did look ever so lonely by yourself, Uncle," another voice piped up, older, this time with a light old English accent. "We didn't want to leave you like that."

Dik Dik sighed, not bothering to see who it was. "Uncle Dik Dik is fine by himself, Vicky."

"Victoria."

"You ain't 'okay' by yourself, Unc," Cassidy smiled, blue eyes twinkling much the same way Terry's would. "Mister Robin Mask is okay by himself, not you. How's about you play with us? We need more company for our party."

"Party?" He sprang up to his full height, desperately thinking up reasons to preserve his dignity. "Uh… What about the boys? They'd want to play with you. And how about your dad, Vicky? He wouldn't like noise."

"Victoria." She pointed to the door leading to Checkmate's training area further up the hall, turquoise eyes shimmering with hurt. "The boys do not want to play with us." She blinked a few times. "They are mean."

Cassidy rolled her eyes. "Jesse'd rather copy Daddy's wrestlin' moves on 'Taro again than play with us." She eyed the other room with disdain. "And Uncle Checkmate…"

"Please, Perceval! Go to sleep! Please!"

Poor guy. Dik Dik shook his head. "Sorry, girls, I can't. I have to wait for the others to come home and—"

Ring, ring.

The gazelle's ears pricked up at the sound of his cellphone. He removed it from its carrier and pressed the "answer" button. "Hello?"

"Hey, Dik Dik," Kid Muscle answered from the other end. "Listen, we're not gonna make it back as soon as we'd hoped."

Dik Dik snorted. "Obviously." The sound of a gunshot picked up on the phone line, causing him to turn away from the girls. "Are you guys all right?"

"Oh yeah, sure! No problem!" Kid laughed. "Wally and I got the first three, and Terry's got the last guy covered."

From a distance, a voice yelled, "Take back what you bad-mouthed about my wife, ya yellow-bellied, lily-livered—" preceding a long string of profanities (some of which Dik Dik remembered for future use) and followed by the sound of a Spinning Toe Hold.

"Don't worry," Kid Muscle said. "We'll just book 'em, get the food and get back." Sirens blared in the background. "Oh, good! The cops are here! Wonder who called them, though… Anyway, we'll be back in an hour."

Dik Dik rolled his eyes. Right. And pigs flew. "Sure. See you then." He ended the call and placed the phone back in its carrier.

Cassidy tugged at his sleeve again, harder this time. "Can you join us now? It sounded like Daddy and Uncle Kid Muscle and Uncle Wally are comin' home later. You'll hafta wait longer, and you'll be real bored."

Dik Dik shook his head. "Girls, I—"

He stopped in mid-sentence, seeing them both make their patented disappointed faces and dramatic sighs. Victoria pulled back a lock of her blue hair the same way Kiki would when she hinted at a birthday present to Checkmate, and Cassidy crossed her arms, a perfect mirror of Trixie.

They were so cute. He had to give in.

"All right, all right," he sighed, defeated. "I'll join you. What type of party is it?"

The girls grinned.

"You shall be joining us…"

Cassidy smirked. "…for tea."

Had Dik Dik been in front of a mirror, he would have seen his mainly crimson face blanch. Not since the old days had he felt such terror. Tea? As in a tea party? What did he get himself into now?

That's it. There was officially no way he was becoming a father.

Huzzah! My first multi-chapter! The rest of this fic's coming out whether you like the fanfic or not, but reviews and constructive criticism shall be happily accepted. So please press the pretty blue button at the bottom of the screen. You know you want to.