Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea
Author: Rhasa
Category: Angst/Romance.
Rating: PG 13
Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money being made and all that.
Summary: Max still wrestles with her confusion.
Feedback: Do you know how much I love it????? Heaps and heaps and heaps. Honestly, no matter what you guys say (unless it's total all out flames) I am so rapt to hear from you. Please drop me a line at Rhasa4@yahoo.com or hit reply and make my writer's day.
Bewtween the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea Part 3 By Rhasa
"Hey," Logan nodded to Max as she shrugged out of her jacket.
"Hey," she replied back.
She knew she was late. She had debated with herself whether she should have come at all. Her lengthy conversation with Original Cindy at Crash earlier that night hadn't brought her any closer to understanding any of the hundred or so different emotions that she had been feeling, nor had a ride through the icy streets of Seattle cleared her head. It was only at the last moment that she had decided that she had to face her problems front on, which was the main reason she had come to Logan's close to midnight, a mere four hours after the time he had been expecting her.
"I kinda expected you a few hours ago," he said looking in the direction of the dining room table which was still fully set ready for company.
"Yeah sorry about that," she murmured, somewhat half-heartedly.
"Been busy?" he asked simply, without any hints of bitterness.
Max shrugged casually, "Just kickin' it with my girl, you know.."
"Hmmm," he muttered as he took the spent candles off the table and threw the melted stubs into the garbage bin.
"What?" Max asked, wondering if it was indeed suspicion that she had heard in his tone.
"Well I rang, O.C looking for you," he explained. "She said you left her at Crash," he told her.
"Yeah," Max shrugged again unapologetically. "We hung out for a while then I took a ride on my baby. I needed the fresh air."
Logan nodded seemingly content with her explanation, then added. "You missed Alec."
"What?" Max asked, nervously, suddenly wondering if O.C had done the unthinkable and revealed their conversation to Logan.
"Alec. He swung by," Logan explained.
"Yeah?" Max asked around the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat.
"Yeah," Logan stated a little matter-of-factly. "He was looking for you."
"He was?" Max asked, trying to control the adrenaline that seemed to have suddenly surged throughout her system.
"Yeah. He said something about you not swingin' by Joshua's in a couple of days. I think he was worried ... especially after... you know, last time," Logan said, eluding to what he had thought was the last time Max had spoken to Alec which was during the incident in his apartment only a few days before.
Max had debated with herself for two days whether she should tell Logan that she had confronted Alec after her heat episode. At the time she had felt that it was probably for the best that Logan never know they had had the opportunity to... resolve some issues between them. Now as her heart pounded with the fear of what it was, if anything, that Alec had revealed to Logan about his confession, her confusion, Max wondered if perhaps she should have told Logan everything from the begin.. And then wondered further what it was that was still preventing her to do so right this minute.
"I'll try and swing by Joshua's later tonight," Max eventually said.
"Won't he be asleep? It's late already," Logan stated.
"We're Manticore. It's never late for us," Max shrugged.
"I was kinda hoping you'd stay," Logan told her.
"Stay?"
"You know, the night," he clarified.
Max looked up at him in surprise.
"You could take the guest bedroom. Then in the morning I'd cook you the most awesome eggs benedict you've probably ever had," he said with a hopeful grin.
"Ummm," she thought hard.
"Maybe some other time, then," Logan replied clearly disappointed when no answer was forthcoming.
"Yeah. Some other time," she replied cautiously. "Definitely" she then said with more conviction after a moment's thought.
"Max," Logan said softly after a few more seconds of awkwardness, waiting for her to look at him before he continued. "Are we okay?" he asked.
"Why do you ask?"
"You just seem.. I don't know.. a little uncomfortable." He was right. She was feeling uncomfortable. When had she started feeling uncomfortable around him, she wondered? Maybe it was guilt. She hadn't decided anything about Alec. She had only entertained the thought of a possible exploration of what it was she had with him, nothing more. It wasn't as if she had actually cheated on Logan... yet. But didn't just thinking the thought make it just as bad as if she was actually doing it?
She stood there staring at him, wondering if she actually was as transparent as she felt and if he could see right through her. "It's just the after affects of my heat," she lied.
He nodded, dropping his gaze to stare at the wood grain faux floorboards. "Cause if it is something else you can just tell me," he told her , while looking anywhere but in her direction.
No. No I can't, Logan, she thought. Because if I did you would hate me, and I couldn't stand both of us hating me right now. Me hating myself is enough for me to bear.
"I'll be fine in a couple of days," she said out loud to him, while she inwardly declared that she may never be fine ever again.
"I thought that maybe... you were um feeling bad.. about what happened."
Felt bad? Was it that obvious? Max panicked. Her mouth moved but no words came out. How was she supposed to respond to that?
"I.. ummm.I-" she stammered.
"It's okay," Logan said, interrupting her. "I understand. I know you weren't yourself. I know that you'd never endanger me like that if you if you could help it."
Max relaxed somewhat realising that Logan has misconstrued the reasons for her aloofness. She could understand why he thought she was acting strange because she had nearly touched and ultimately killed him during her heat session.
"Yeah. I am sorry, Logan."
"Don't worry about it," he told her. "Next time.... next time, hopefully we'll be better prepared."
"Yeah," she whispered.
"Speaking of next time, did you get a chance to think about what I said?"
What he said, what Alec had said, they were the only things Max has been able to think about for the past few days.
"Can I ask you something?" she said, a thought suddenly occurring to her.
"Sure."
"I'm wondering what made you think of that little solution, of me hooking up with Alec during my heat?"
Logan looked at her, his eyes unreadable. "If it's one thing I've learnt since being shot and left in a wheelchair, it's how to make the best of what you got," he told her. "You could say that I was dealt a bad blow. I wasn't dead but I did lose the use of my legs. I got on with things the best way I knew how. I made the most of a less than ideal situation," he told her.
"But you never really accepted that you were paralysed, Logan," she challenged him. "You never really gave up hope that one day you would walk again. You chased every cure and treatment known to have existed. You never settled for anything other than what it was that you were ultimately after. You were never content to make the best of that wheelchair."
"I don't understand what it is that you are trying to say, Max," he queried.
"I guess I'm just trying to understand, that's all. I'm trying to understand why you would give up on me," she whispered sadly.
"I'm not giving up on you," he said adamantly.
"Aren't you?" she questioned him.
"No," he said taking a step towards her. "I'm trying to save what we've got together. I'm trying to find a way, Max. I .. I love you, Max," he declared.
Max stood there looking at him. Wondering for the first time just why it was that what he had just told her seemed so forced, so pressed.
"Max? I said I love you," he repeated. "Do you... love me too?" he asked.
It wasn't in her to return the words at that moment. She stood silent before him.
Logan sighed, his shoulders drooped and he took a step backwards putting more distance between them, while nodding his head almost imperceptibly.
"If you can't answer me that, then do the decent thing and answer me this. If I had been Alec and asked you that question, what would have been your answer?"
TBC
Sorry guys have to leave it there. Do you really think you know what it was I would have had her answer? I'm interested in hearing your theories.. in fact I live for them. No black and white with this. Where's the fun in that? This, I hope will be an angst fest. As I've said countless times before, the hot monkey sex, M/A or M/L, you can pretty much get anywhere - which isn't to say that you won't get it here, but just not yet, well not in chapters 1, 2 or 3 at least.
I'll only keep updating as long as people keep reviewing and so far the reviews have been really inspirational.
I would absolutely love to hear from you all. I always wonder just what the ratio of readers to readers/reviewers is. SO if you've never reviewed me before why not click that review or reply button and say hi and a few other choice words.
It really makes my day.
Until next time... hopefully,
Rhasa aka Sarah
Feedback: Do you know how much I love it????? Heaps and heaps and heaps. Honestly, no matter what you guys say (unless it's total all out flames) I am so rapt to hear from you. Please drop me a line at Rhasa4@yahoo.com or hit reply and make my writer's day.
Bewtween the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea Part 3 By Rhasa
"Hey," Logan nodded to Max as she shrugged out of her jacket.
"Hey," she replied back.
She knew she was late. She had debated with herself whether she should have come at all. Her lengthy conversation with Original Cindy at Crash earlier that night hadn't brought her any closer to understanding any of the hundred or so different emotions that she had been feeling, nor had a ride through the icy streets of Seattle cleared her head. It was only at the last moment that she had decided that she had to face her problems front on, which was the main reason she had come to Logan's close to midnight, a mere four hours after the time he had been expecting her.
"I kinda expected you a few hours ago," he said looking in the direction of the dining room table which was still fully set ready for company.
"Yeah sorry about that," she murmured, somewhat half-heartedly.
"Been busy?" he asked simply, without any hints of bitterness.
Max shrugged casually, "Just kickin' it with my girl, you know.."
"Hmmm," he muttered as he took the spent candles off the table and threw the melted stubs into the garbage bin.
"What?" Max asked, wondering if it was indeed suspicion that she had heard in his tone.
"Well I rang, O.C looking for you," he explained. "She said you left her at Crash," he told her.
"Yeah," Max shrugged again unapologetically. "We hung out for a while then I took a ride on my baby. I needed the fresh air."
Logan nodded seemingly content with her explanation, then added. "You missed Alec."
"What?" Max asked, nervously, suddenly wondering if O.C had done the unthinkable and revealed their conversation to Logan.
"Alec. He swung by," Logan explained.
"Yeah?" Max asked around the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat.
"Yeah," Logan stated a little matter-of-factly. "He was looking for you."
"He was?" Max asked, trying to control the adrenaline that seemed to have suddenly surged throughout her system.
"Yeah. He said something about you not swingin' by Joshua's in a couple of days. I think he was worried ... especially after... you know, last time," Logan said, eluding to what he had thought was the last time Max had spoken to Alec which was during the incident in his apartment only a few days before.
Max had debated with herself for two days whether she should tell Logan that she had confronted Alec after her heat episode. At the time she had felt that it was probably for the best that Logan never know they had had the opportunity to... resolve some issues between them. Now as her heart pounded with the fear of what it was, if anything, that Alec had revealed to Logan about his confession, her confusion, Max wondered if perhaps she should have told Logan everything from the begin.. And then wondered further what it was that was still preventing her to do so right this minute.
"I'll try and swing by Joshua's later tonight," Max eventually said.
"Won't he be asleep? It's late already," Logan stated.
"We're Manticore. It's never late for us," Max shrugged.
"I was kinda hoping you'd stay," Logan told her.
"Stay?"
"You know, the night," he clarified.
Max looked up at him in surprise.
"You could take the guest bedroom. Then in the morning I'd cook you the most awesome eggs benedict you've probably ever had," he said with a hopeful grin.
"Ummm," she thought hard.
"Maybe some other time, then," Logan replied clearly disappointed when no answer was forthcoming.
"Yeah. Some other time," she replied cautiously. "Definitely" she then said with more conviction after a moment's thought.
"Max," Logan said softly after a few more seconds of awkwardness, waiting for her to look at him before he continued. "Are we okay?" he asked.
"Why do you ask?"
"You just seem.. I don't know.. a little uncomfortable." He was right. She was feeling uncomfortable. When had she started feeling uncomfortable around him, she wondered? Maybe it was guilt. She hadn't decided anything about Alec. She had only entertained the thought of a possible exploration of what it was she had with him, nothing more. It wasn't as if she had actually cheated on Logan... yet. But didn't just thinking the thought make it just as bad as if she was actually doing it?
She stood there staring at him, wondering if she actually was as transparent as she felt and if he could see right through her. "It's just the after affects of my heat," she lied.
He nodded, dropping his gaze to stare at the wood grain faux floorboards. "Cause if it is something else you can just tell me," he told her , while looking anywhere but in her direction.
No. No I can't, Logan, she thought. Because if I did you would hate me, and I couldn't stand both of us hating me right now. Me hating myself is enough for me to bear.
"I'll be fine in a couple of days," she said out loud to him, while she inwardly declared that she may never be fine ever again.
"I thought that maybe... you were um feeling bad.. about what happened."
Felt bad? Was it that obvious? Max panicked. Her mouth moved but no words came out. How was she supposed to respond to that?
"I.. ummm.I-" she stammered.
"It's okay," Logan said, interrupting her. "I understand. I know you weren't yourself. I know that you'd never endanger me like that if you if you could help it."
Max relaxed somewhat realising that Logan has misconstrued the reasons for her aloofness. She could understand why he thought she was acting strange because she had nearly touched and ultimately killed him during her heat session.
"Yeah. I am sorry, Logan."
"Don't worry about it," he told her. "Next time.... next time, hopefully we'll be better prepared."
"Yeah," she whispered.
"Speaking of next time, did you get a chance to think about what I said?"
What he said, what Alec had said, they were the only things Max has been able to think about for the past few days.
"Can I ask you something?" she said, a thought suddenly occurring to her.
"Sure."
"I'm wondering what made you think of that little solution, of me hooking up with Alec during my heat?"
Logan looked at her, his eyes unreadable. "If it's one thing I've learnt since being shot and left in a wheelchair, it's how to make the best of what you got," he told her. "You could say that I was dealt a bad blow. I wasn't dead but I did lose the use of my legs. I got on with things the best way I knew how. I made the most of a less than ideal situation," he told her.
"But you never really accepted that you were paralysed, Logan," she challenged him. "You never really gave up hope that one day you would walk again. You chased every cure and treatment known to have existed. You never settled for anything other than what it was that you were ultimately after. You were never content to make the best of that wheelchair."
"I don't understand what it is that you are trying to say, Max," he queried.
"I guess I'm just trying to understand, that's all. I'm trying to understand why you would give up on me," she whispered sadly.
"I'm not giving up on you," he said adamantly.
"Aren't you?" she questioned him.
"No," he said taking a step towards her. "I'm trying to save what we've got together. I'm trying to find a way, Max. I .. I love you, Max," he declared.
Max stood there looking at him. Wondering for the first time just why it was that what he had just told her seemed so forced, so pressed.
"Max? I said I love you," he repeated. "Do you... love me too?" he asked.
It wasn't in her to return the words at that moment. She stood silent before him.
Logan sighed, his shoulders drooped and he took a step backwards putting more distance between them, while nodding his head almost imperceptibly.
"If you can't answer me that, then do the decent thing and answer me this. If I had been Alec and asked you that question, what would have been your answer?"
TBC
Sorry guys have to leave it there. Do you really think you know what it was I would have had her answer? I'm interested in hearing your theories.. in fact I live for them. No black and white with this. Where's the fun in that? This, I hope will be an angst fest. As I've said countless times before, the hot monkey sex, M/A or M/L, you can pretty much get anywhere - which isn't to say that you won't get it here, but just not yet, well not in chapters 1, 2 or 3 at least.
I'll only keep updating as long as people keep reviewing and so far the reviews have been really inspirational.
I would absolutely love to hear from you all. I always wonder just what the ratio of readers to readers/reviewers is. SO if you've never reviewed me before why not click that review or reply button and say hi and a few other choice words.
It really makes my day.
Until next time... hopefully,
Rhasa aka Sarah