Dedication: Thanks to Kaidan for giving me those "secrets" of Terry's. I was stumped on what to write for him. Eh, anyway, this chapter's for you. Hope you like it. ^_^



Dikdiks Don't Play Tea Party

By Fanficworm

Chapter 5: Forgive the Intrusion



If becoming a father meant your family knew all your embarrassing secrets and blathered them out to other people for the right price, it also meant Dik Dik was going to have to avoid the ladies for a few weeks… or months. Especially the single mothers.

He was glad Terry and Checkmate had families, though, because oh, did their kids spill a load of dirt on them! Who outside the family knew that Trixie called Terry "Terr Bear"? Or that Kiki and Victoria could beat Checkmate at chess, but would let him win because otherwise he would suffer a slight mental breakdown? Or that Terry's tattoos would turn a bright shade of pink once he used a certain soap? Or that Checkmate liked watching Barney and sang along with the songs? Not Dik Dik a few minutes ago, that was for sure!

He was one happy gazelle.

He scribbled the lowdown onto a set of napkins using an eyeliner pencil from Cassidy's makeup set, trying almost unsuccessfully to keep his nail polish (a lovely shade of pink) from chipping. He just had to get all of this in writing. It was all just too good to go to waste.

Just a few more words… There! Done!

All he had to do for this information was go along with the girls' tea party and bribe them. Victoria was getting new ribbons and Cassidy would receive a new makeup set. Personally, Dik Dik thought he was getting the better end of the deal. Since the bribe included their silence about this matter, no one would find out about his dressing in drag, and he could live out his life as if it never happened. But he could imagine what Terry and Checkmate would do to prevent their family secrets from leaking out!

He put away the blackmail notes and raised his teacup, careful to extend his pinkie this time. "Girls, I'd like to propose a toast."

They shrugged and raised their teacups, though not as high as he raised his. Noticing this, Dik Dik lowered his teacup to match the height of theirs. "May no one find out about this."

The plastic toys clinked together. "Hear, hear."

Choked laughter wandered from the doorway to Dik Dik's sensitive ears, laughter that threatened to deafen once released. Dik Dik's eyes widened, and suddenly he wished he was deaf right now, because despite all odds, despite all that was right and good and just and holy in the world, that choked laughter also belonged to more than one person. Which meant…

"Wouldst thou like to borrow my crown, Dik Dik?"

"Roxanne probably won't mind if you take one of her dresses…"

"Dorothy's might fit you…"

"Or if those are too fancy-like for you, Trixie says her dresses are comfy…"

…they were back.

No. This couldn't be happening, not when things had just started to turn around. He'd got his own back for them leaving him alone to suffer the beauty treatments. It was going to be fun blackmailing them! Things couldn't have gotten this bad again so fast! They couldn't have! This had to be some weird hallucination the cake of toxic makeup on his face caused!

Dik Dik looked up from his seat at the people in the doorway who watched him from about three feet away. Kid Muscle repeatedly pinched his arm, Terry clenched his fists, Wally covered his mouth, Checkmate bit his lip… All had different ways of suppressing their laughter, but all stared back at him just the same, with the same stupid grins on their faces, stupid grins that signalled they knew that this would never ever, EVER, EVER slip from memory, because they would tell everyone they could about their discovery.

Not even his worst enemy could ever deserve this sort of torment. If the girls weren't by his side, Dik Dik wouldn't know what to do. Thankfully, he had finally earned their loyalty and—

"Father!"

"Daddy!"

The girls sprang from their seats and ran to their fathers, immediately forgetting their now very pretty "uncle". Victoria hugged Checkmate as tightly as she could, and Cassidy allowed Terry to sweep her up into his arms, giggling a little as he did so. The two Chôjins' grins faded a little to regard their daughters, who had eyes only for their dads right now.

Dik Dik eyed the girls in contempt. Traitors.

"Victoria," Checkmate rasped, "didst thou do this to thy uncle?"

"Cassidy helped, Father," she beamed, releasing his abdomen to look up at the man who towered over her. "And I'm glad to see you are not so tired anymore."

"After seeing this, 'tis impossible to tire. An excellent job you both have done, too." He smiled indulgently at the sight of Dik Dik. "Victoria, I would caution thee for bothering thy uncle so, but he seems not to mind." He chuckled, but stopped when he spotted the mauled toys gathered around the table. "Just don't make up thy toys in future, though; they're hard to clean."

"Yes, Father."

Cassidy looked down at Dik Dik, blue eyes shining with obvious pride. "He's real pretty, isn't he, Daddy?"

"Sure is, angel pie. Don't tell your ma though; she'd probably get jealous." Father and daughter shared a chortle at Dik Dik's expense. "You know, he could enter a beauty contest. And I bet he'd win. Maybe next time you and Vicky—"

"Victoria," Dik Dik, Checkmate and Victoria corrected.

The Kenyons rolled their eyes. Terry rephrased his sentence. "Maybe next time you and Victoria have a tea party, y'all could put him in one of them bikinis, too."

The thought of Dik Dik in a two-piece caused the repressed laughter to finally escape. Dik Dik calculated the hilarity could probably be heard all the way from China. And maybe New Zealand. Though he couldn't tell. He wasn't sure which part of his ears was burning away, but whichever part it was, he could feel something going, and it didn't feel good.

Once the mirth had (almost) died down and knowing looks and quivering shoulders were all that remained of the former idiocy, an eerie silence filled the room as everyone stared at Dik Dik. They all beamed at him as they did so, the girls because they were proud their guest was so pretty, and the men because they knew, as he knew, that this made for some excellent blackmail material. Either way, both parties had mentally etched the images into their minds forever.

There was still evil in this world, after all.

He looked at the plush toys, at how pathetic they all looked, wondering how pathetic he must've looked, too. If only the other Chôjins could also get dressed up like that. Then they'd all be pathetic. Too bad they couldn't—wait a second… yes, they could. Victoria and Cassidy wanted more guests for their tea party, didn't they?

Maybe this night wouldn't turn out so bad, after all.

He looked up, trying very hard to flatten the widening evil grin crawling across his lips. "Girls, why don't you invite your dads and other uncles to the tea party?"

The stupid smiles instantly faded (especially Wally's and Kid Muscle's), and in their place came gasps and looks ranging from mild to severe panic. Dik Dik recognised the inspiration and slight sadism that appeared on the girls' faces, though, and smiled along with them.

"Great idea, Unc!" Cassidy grinned and turned over to Terry. "Daddy, you and Uncles Checkmate, Wally and Kid Muscle wanna join our tea party?"

"Uh…" Terry let Cassidy down and deliberated a little. He forced a smile. "…Sure. Why not, angel pie?" He removed a plush toy from its seat and eased himself onto the little stool, probably fearing he'd crush it.

Checkmate, however, kept Kid Muscle and Wally from sitting until the girls were seated. He nodded at Victoria and Cassidy, who graciously sat down the way someone much older could've done, and then saw fit to be seated. Checkmate had no problem with the stools (from what Victoria told Dik Dik, he often played tea party with her before Perceval's birth), but Dik Dik knew true revenge when he saw Kid Muscle struggling to sit down on the little stool muttering expletives only the gazelle could hear. It was his turn to laugh when he heard the chair creak ominously and saw Kid Muscle's legs sticking out like a frog's when he finally was seated.

Wally reached for one of the stools, but when Victoria's eyes widened at the horror of him sitting on—and most likely crushing—one of her precious stools, he was forced to leave it and sit on the floor instead, earning sniggers from the men already seated.

Kid Muscle eyed the empty cup in confusion and peeked inside the empty teapot, only serving to become more confused. He shook the teapot upside down, not finding a single drop of tea in there. "Want me to get some tea from downstairs?"

Idiot.

Everyone glowered at him. "It's pretend tea."

"Real tea or food is not allowed for pretend tea parties," Checkmate said.

Terry nodded in agreement. "It spoils people's appetites-like."

Wally and Dik Dik smirked at Kid Muscle, as if the pretend tea rule was obvious. "Everyone knows that."

"Mm-hmm!" the girls nodded in unison.

"Oh. Sorry." Kid Muscle stuck in his head and dabbed at his teacup, looking out of place for this sort of thing. Kid Muscle was the only one who had never played tea party before, which meant he was on the receiving end of what Dik Dik went through. It was pathetic. Dik Dik almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

Kid Muscle reached for a teacup to take a pretend sip, stopped by Cassidy who flashed the newcomers That Smile, that one that said…

"Y'all need makeovers first," she proclaimed, taking the makeup set in her hands again.

"Yes," Victoria beamed. "You must dress for tea, just like our other guests." She pointed to Dik Dik and the pitiable stuffed animals that lay on the floor now.

And soon enough, to Dik Dik's delight, everyone else fell victim to Cassidy's extra rule of dressing for tea. This time, however, Victoria unearthed the long-lost pink and lavender ribbons hiding in the far reaches of her dresser. She made it a point to use all of them, first braiding her victims' hair and then securing the braids with the ribbons.

The rest of the tea party went along well. Everyone laughed at each other's makeovers and tried not to fall asleep at the etiquette lessons. And after a particularly long lecture on the fine art of table settings—courtesy of Checkmate—the tea party, in a weird way, actually started to become… well… fun.

The tea party's end was near, and there was no poker game in sight. Despite this, Checkmate smiled, bright pink lipstick all over his face glistening as he did so. "I suppose," he chuckled, "it goes without saying that we shan't tell our wives—or anyone else, for that matter—about this… incident."

"Yeah. Word would get out quick." Kid Muscle played with the pretty lavender ribbons swaying merrily before his eyes "You're off the hook, Dik. If we tell anyone about your makeover, you'd tell about our makeovers. And you didn't get the pink ribbons. I mean, people would probably pay for photos of us like this. It wouldn't be pretty."

Terry brushed away a braid (tied with a huge pink ribbon) and took a proper sip of his imaginary tea. "Yeah, and it's a plumb lucky thing there ain't no photographers here." He sniggered. "Where'd they be spyin' on us, anyhoo? The attic hole? I don't think so."

"Got that right, Terr Be—I mean, Terry." Dik Dik raised his teacup again. "May no one find out about this."

And again the plastic cups clinked together. "Hear, hear!"

From above the little party, a certain other Mantaro happily filmed away at the little tea party. He stopped for a while and turned to his blond partner in crime, yen signs in his eyes. "People are really gonna pay to see them like this?"

Jesse huffed, gesturing wildly to the forgotten camera. "Yeah! A whole bunch! Now hush up and keep on tapin'!"

'Taro shrugged and did as he was told, all the while wondering how much the IWF was going to pay for this footage. A hundred yen? A thousand yen?

Only time would tell.