title: If Only Tears Could Bring You Back
type: Songfic
song done to: "If Only Tears Could Bring You Back To Me" by the Midnight Sons
pairings: Sirius/Remus
summary: Remus' thoughts and feelings at Sirius' funeral.
disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, why would I be writing a fanfiction about this? I'd just write it into the book.
dedication: To Annie, 'cause she supported Remus and Sirius as couple with me first.
author notes: Flamers will be used to roast marshmallows. You're homophobic, you don't read. Ta. Italics are song lyrics, and ~ indicates a flash back. Angst.
----
There was no body in the coffin. Of course there wasn't. He'd gone behind the veil, alive and well, body and soul. Both were lost. And even without his actual body being there, this was heart wrenching. Remus Lupin stood to the side, dressed in clad back, watching the casket as that was supposed to hold his friend lowered into the ground.
His friend?
No, Sirius Black had been so much more than a friend.
How will I start
Tomorrow without you here?
Who's heart will guide me
When all the answers disappear?
Sirius didn't ever act the same way around Remus as he had around James and Peter, particularly when they were young and didn't despise the conniving rat (literally). Sirius treated James as an equal, Peter was a variable between an amusement source (if they weren't using Snape instead) and an equal, but he always respected Remus. Adored him, really. The boy had never made an attempt to pay attention or stop playing pranks, but he always referred to Remus with a higher regard. Like he was special. And truth be told, Remus loved it. It was better than having noses turned down on you because you were smart.
Is it too late?
Are you to far gone to stay?
This one's forever,
Should never have to go away.
During those times when kids would tease him because he was smart, Sirius was right there sticking up for him. For a handful of them, the son of the Black family personally delivered a ready dung bomb.
And Remus smiled and thanked him, greeted with a huge grin from him.
Or when annoying girls would giggle and swoon over his haunted golden eyes (a result of lycanthropy), Sirius would casually swing one arm over his shoulder, pull him close and kindly tell the girls, much to their disappointment, that dear old Remus needed breathing room.
What will I do?
You know I'm only half with out you.
How will I make it through?
Remus was brought back to now as Dumbledore began to quietly speak his thoughts of what a brave man Sirius was. The funeral was small. After all, not many people wanted to know the alleged murder.
Remus did.
He'd always loved being close to Sirius Black. His best friend. His closest buddy. The one who understood him. They were nearly as inseparable as James and Sirius, if not equal to that. But James and Sirius were like brothers. Remus found out that he and the boy's relationship wasn't like that.
~~~
All sources of lights were off, save the Christmas ones put up special for this occasion. A huge tree with very elaborate decorations was somewhere smack dab in the middle of it all, and everyone looked happy dancing.
They should. It was the Yule Ball.
However, two boys had managed to float through the month without getting a date. Remus was relieved. In the four years he'd been at Hogwarts, he hadn't found a solitary girl worth it and just hung out with the Marauders constantly. But he didn't know about Sirius.
After all, this boy was the ladies' man. And how could they have not chosen him? With shoulder length hair pulled back into a short ponytail, dress robes black contrasting with his skin and blue eyes, he was handsome.
However, friends did not look at other friends like that. It was wrong.
And they were the same gender.
So the fact he'd been thinking about him like that for longer than thirty seconds (try four years) was not a good thing for poor Remus Lupin. Can we say denial?
But Sirius definitely did not feel the same. It was so obvious. He regarded him as a respected friend and flirted shamelessly with girls. How could he like Remus? The boy had tattered clothing, even now. Raggedy, dark red dress robes and his tawny hair hanging to his ears, he just looked like another face in the crowd. Who didn't have a lot of money. Sirius glanced down at him.
"Kind of stinks we don't have dates, huh?" he asked conversationally, as if it were an easy topic.
"Yeah," Remus murmured, avoiding his eyes.
"Hey Remus?"
"Yeah?" Again. Such an expansive vocabulary.
"Do me a favor?"
"What kind of favor?"
"Dance with me?"
The world turned on its side, just once, then stopped.
"W-What?" he managed out, looking absolutely bewildered. Sirius shrugged sheepishly in response, putting one hand on the back of his neck and looking around for something occupy himself with.
"Well, neither of us have dates, you know," he said with a fake casualness, restating the obvious as well. "So, y'know… I thought maybe we could dance. For fun."
For fun. The words he wished he hadn't heard, but Remus smiled and consented anyway. Sirius took him to the dance floor and they paused for a moment, trying to figure out who should take the female position. Being more submissive (and shorter), Remus put on arm on the boy's shoulder and the other in his, while Sirius' came to lightly touch his waist. No personal invasion. And they danced.
For at least an hour, absolutely content. No one cared. But then Sirius did something that Remus wouldn't have expected in a million years. He slowed the dance and moved his hand from Remus' waist, gently tilting his chin upwards.
"Wha…?"
"Shh."
And then he felt Sirius Black's lips pressed against his own and his arm snaked back around his waist, pulling them a little closer.
From that moment on, Remus knew that it'd be too hard to be just friends and that maybe Sirius did feel the same way.
~~~
If only tears could bring you back to me,
If only love could find a way.
What I would do, what I
would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me.
But now he was gone. And it had been his very own cousin to kill him. Maybe he wasn't dead. Maybe he really was just behind the veil like Harry said. But Remus was the one he was the first to say he was gone, and he didn't know why he had. It just made things final.
And one silent tear rolled down Remus' cheek.
I'd cry you an ocean
If you'd sail on home again
Wings of emotion
Will carry you, I know they can
He tilted his head to the bleak grey sky, with suited the occasion with a mordant appropriateness. Remus had already cried enough. He wanted the tears to be over, so he'd just move on and get over it. But he'd never get over Sirius. Never in a million years.
He'd accepted him for what he was. A werewolf. A werewolf who would kill a human without so much as a second thought. But Sirius hadn't wanted Remus to be lonely. So he went and convinced both Peter and James to be illegal animagi. James had chosen to be a stag, Peter a rat, and Sirius had been a dog.
Just light will guide you
And your heart will chart the course
Soon you'll be drifting
Into the arms of your true north
The closest thing he could get to a werewolf.
The easiest way to be close to Remus on full moons.
And Remus had gotten blurry-eyed and hugged him tight, which turned into a teary group hug when the other two joined.
Look in my eyes
And you will see a million tears have gone by
And still they're not dry
And even now, Remus couldn't stop the tears from falling. But this time, there was no James, Peter, or Sirius to comfort him. He stood alone, head slanted back, letting tears move from the corners of his eyes and down his face. Tonks had patted his shoulder without a word and lowered her eyes, her hair black for the occasion, and Mrs. Weasley had done the same. No one really knew what to say to him.
No one really knew how much he cared.
Except Harry. Harry stood next to him, clutching his elbows to keep his upper frame from trembling, crying harder than Remus with just as much pain. Sirius was his only family, all he'd had left. And this was so awful for the both of them.
If only tears could bring
you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me
Harry loved Sirius too, but in a platonic way. It was like losing real family for him.
But Remus was losing the last person who understood, accepted, and did all they could to make it easier. The last Marauder to stand by him. James would have been there, comforting him, but Peter had let him get killed. Just like Remus had let Sirius fall behind the veil.
Was it his fault? Could he have saved Sirius? Could Remus had run, grabbed his hand, pulled him to safety and scolded the man for nearly giving him the most unbearable pain?
His heart clutched at the thought. Maybe he could have saved him. Maybe they could have saved him right after. Someone could have held his feet and Remus could have reached behind the veil and hauled Sirius back out. Or fallen in and spend the rest of eternity there with him.
Anything.
Anything would be better than the suffering he felt.
I'd hold you close
And shout the words I only whispered before
For one more chance, for one last dance
There's nothing that I would not give and more
He just wanted to be back in Sirius' arms, held tight and consoled, to find out this was all an elaborate prank and he was really alive and kicking. He wanted to hug him and cry, telling the man how he'd been so worried and that if he ever did something like that again, heaven have mercy. But he couldn't. Because Sirius was gone.
A man was gone.
A godfather was gone.
A friend was gone.
A marauder was gone.
A love was gone.
But more importantly….
Part of Remus' heart was gone.
If only tears could bring
you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, someway
If my tears could bring you back to me