Putting a Book on the Book Shelf while Dancing the Horizontal Tango and Stuffing the Chicken

Link brushed his long flowing locks and smiled at himself in the mirror. He was getting ready to meet Zelda for a picnic beside the banks of Lake Hylia. Taking another quick peak at his hair, and tucking his package down in his tunic, he grabbed his satchel and left the tree house.
Meanwhile, Zelda was primping swiftly in her mirror at the palace. She put on some make up, did her hair up, and put on her favorite Triforce dress (as if they all didn't look the same anyways).
"Oh, Zelda," her nanny called.
"Yes, Impa?" she replied.
"Link's a great guy and all, hero of time and the what-not, but just because he may come with a terrific history and a nice body, doesn't mean you should let him take advantage of you. After all no one wants to buy the truck if you're giving out the ice cream for free!"
"Yes, Impa," Zelda said, laughing inwardly. She had been debating whether to sleep with Link. They had been on four or five dates now, all getting pretty hot and heavy. Malon had been telling her how great it was to be close with a man. She and the marathon runner, who they still hadn't figured out the name of, had been hitting it for quite some time now. Zelda sighed and decided it was up to her when the time would come, whether it be tonight, or a Temple of Time trip to the future.
Standing on the drawbridge outside of Hyrule Castle Town, Zelda anxiously awaited Link's arrival. It wasn't long before Link appeared on his chivalrous stallion, Epona. Taking a leap down from her, he kissed Zelda's hand, then pulled her into an embrace. When Link's strong chest pressed against her, Zelda felt a surge of tingles go through her body.
He helped her get up onto Epona, his hands "accidentally" groping her soft bottom. He jumped up onto the stead too, and off they were to their picnic. Zelda looked over her shoulder and at the sun setting in the sky. Faintly, she saw the silhouette of the Windmill Man. Curious, she thought; the man never leaves his windmill.
Link laid the picnic blanket out, and piled a few other blankets on the side in case he and Zelda got cold after the sun went down. Zelda put out the basket of goodies she had her servants bake, and her and Link went to town. They chomped on the Lon Lon Cow burgers, the fresh water fish, and the Deku Scrubb chips. To finish it all off they downed a couple of glasses of Lon Lon Milk which had them both invigorated and excited.
After they ate, they talked for a short while, but Zelda's urges forced her to respond to him physically. After her soft kiss landed on his lips, Link grabbed her head and plunged them into making out. They vigorously kissed under the moonlight and Zelda began to feel her grip on virginity loosen.
"Link," she said between kisses.
"Yes," he responded.
"I want to sex you," she said. This caught him off guard and he jumped away from her. She then turned bright red, and bowed her head to face the flowing waters.
"Zelda, I don't think you're ready for that step in this relationship," he said.
"Well, Link," she said as the tears came to her eyes, "who wouldn't be ready for that step with the Hero of Time."
"Woah, woah, Zelda. I come to you as just a man in a green tunic. I could have never been the Hero of Time without your help."
"Really?" she said, her heart rising with happiness.
"Yeah…" he said, trailing off.
"I still want to sex you," she murmured.
"Are you sure?"
She bit her lip and said, "Very."
He moved across her, and began kissing her neck.
Meanwhile, Zelda's father sat down to a nice dinner with Impa and a few of the palace guards. As they were feasting, her father spoke of his daughter.
"My Zelda is such a wonderful child," the old man said.
"Yes, Sir," said Impa.
"She's so innocent. I hope one day she will find a man who will see through her…em…peculiarities and wed her lawfully."
"Yes, Sir," said Impa.
"Impa, are the only words you speak 'Yes, Sir?'"
She paused and then said, "Yes, Sir," but she in fact just never paid attention. All he ever talked about was his perfect little angel Zelda. What made her even more angered was that Zelda was perfect. She was as innocent as they come. Impa tried to keep her that way, to please the king, for the longer Zelda stay pure, the more Impa's wage grew. She was already up to one hundred rupees a week. Her lesbian lover, the Cucco lady, was very proud.
"I remember when Zelda was two years old, and we found her kissing one of the palace sculptures. I sat her down right there and had the owls and the skulltulas talk," the old king recalled, with a reminiscent laugh. "She thought it was so disgusting that I'm afraid she'll never have sex…"
Link and Zelda were thrusting passionately by the banks of Lake Hylia. Zelda looked with glassy eyes toward the sky. Losing her virginity was sort of nice, out there under the stars. Much better than losing her virginity on the back of a Clydesdale at the Singing Frogs' concert like Malon. Link noticed that Zelda did not seem to be paying attention.
"Zelda," he whispered, as he continued to drive himself.
She was upset to tear herself away from her thoughts, but she replied by catching his eyes.
"Are you okay?" he asked. She nodded. He continued to thrust until finally he finished. He lay there under the extra blankets with Zelda beneath him. He was very happy that she was okay with this. She didn't even seem to complain about the pain like he heard most virgins did.
"Did you have fun?" asked Link, smiling at her as his blonde hair draped around her face.
"Yeah, I guess. What's the big deal? Malon talks about it like it's something that's super exciting. I was actually finding the stars more exciting…" she replied, despondently.
Link's face turned a shade of red and his eyebrows curled into a look of anger, but before he could say anything, he heard a deep sigh that certainly wasn't from Zelda.
"Did you hear that Zelda?" he asked, sitting up with the blankets sinking around his waist. She strained an ear and sure enough she heard a sigh. Link slipped on his tunic and went to investigate. Zelda fumbled with her dress for a little while but decided it was too much of a pain to get back on. She wrapped the blankets around herself and followed Link. She began hearing loud grunts. Giggling, she asked, "You don't suppose someone tape recorded us and is playing a cruel joke?"
Link shook his head. He was too worried about what this could be. Had Ganon returned? Was he killing an innocent girl? It sure sounded like it. He had refrained from bringing his weapons, and all that was in his satchel were some Deku nuts and a box of Cucco Condoms.
"Zelda, stay back, I don't want you to get hurt," Link said, pulling out a Deku nut. The moon was waning in the sky. In the distance, he heard a Wolfos howl. Shortly following it was another odd grunting noise.
"Oh, Link, don't be such a Deku stick-in-the-mud!" said Zelda, grabbing his belt and tugging it.
"Fine, fine. Just put your dress on." As she did so, Link rushed her. He was worried about the poor defenseless young lady who was getting mauled by a rabid Albino Wolfos. Grabbing Zelda's hand, Link pulled her towards the noise.
The grunting was getting closer together, quicker, and seemingly more frantic. Link and Zelda followed it to the scientist's house. The scientist was on vacation in Gerudo Valley, so the odd grunts could not be coming from his house. Yet, the more Link and Zelda followed the sound, the closer they came to the lakeside laboratory.
"How about we get up on the roof?" Zelda suggested in an instance of genius. She continued with, "I bet I can see every fish in the lake from here!" and the instance was over.
Link, recognizing the fact that this was not one of Zelda's usual random ponderings, took initiative and began climbing the ladder, the Deku nut still in hand. Upon reaching the roof, he grabbed Zelda's hand and helped her up.
She skipped forward and said, "Oh, Link it's beautiful up here!" There was another grunting noise, louder this time. As Zelda skipped across the roof, she tripped over the grunting culprit. Luckily she landed on Link's magic bean plant, so she did not fall to her demise.
Link rushed forward shouting, "Wolfos, release this girl at once!" With that, he threw the Deku Nut, and the roof of the laboratory lit up as if struck by lightning. In the light, there was a flash of a discombobulated Zelda and a pair of naked bodies. There was a slight scream, and then a scramble commenced. In the scramble, he heard the sound of an organ grinder. Link could not take in what happened. He looked around in the blackness of the night, and suddenly Zelda squealed with glee.
"Malon!" she called. "What are you doing here?!"
Malon stepped out into the moonlight. She frantically grabbed for the leaves of the Magic Bean Plant that had flown all over the roof when Zelda stumbled onto it. She managed to position them over her Ranch parts.
"Link?" she asked still slightly confused about the whole thing. She then looked around her and saw Zelda standing with the sheets nearly falling off her royal gems. "Zelda?" She paused for a minute, then realization came into her eyes. "Oh. My. God. You DID it!"
"I know!" Zelda said. They ran to each other and began screaming and hugging. Malon was frantically speaking: "Was it good? Did you like it? Will you do it again? Is he big? Does he have a nice set of Deku Nuts? Did he bring wine? When are you going out again? Did you you know? Did you use Cucco Condoms? Was there a spark? How long did he last? Do you think that cow in his house will bother you when he takes you back to his place? I would let you do it at mine, but there're cows there too. Do you think the Kokiri children will know what's going on? How does Navi feel about this? Was Navi there? Did she say "Hey!" while you were putting the bread in the over? Did she try to hit you with her tiny fairy body? Do you think the Deku Tree will find out? Do you think he'll be mad? What will Rauru say? Oh, I just can't wait to tell everyone!"
Zelda responded with: "Yes. Yes. Yes. Oh, yes. Most definitely. No. Hopefully soon. I don't know! I think so? Definitely a spark. Not very long. He hasn't won it yet. Please, they're children! Navi left him after his quest, remember? And you better not tell a soul!"
At this Malon gasped. "Oh, but Zelda Welda, I want to tell everyone! They have been waiting so patiently to find out since that scene at the end of his Ocarina of Time quest."
"Hey!" It was Link. "Can you two just hold on one minute! Malon, are you okay?"
She stared at him blankly. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Well, what with the Wolfos and all," Link replied, looking around him to see if the Wolfos was still around.
"What in Hyrule are you talking about?" she asked.
"That's why me and Zelda left our blankets. We heard a Wolfos grunting and attacking you."
Malon furled her brow and looked at him in confusion.
"It was so funny sounding I thought someone might have tape recorded me and Link putting the Master Sword into the altar. Hehe!" Zelda giggled yet again and batted her eyes at Link. He felt proud of himself for a moment and beamed down at Zelda. The sound of Malon's voice brought him back to the situation at hand.
"Oh!" she said with realization dawning in her eyes. "Oh! Nothing was happening. I was just up here . . . by myself! Looking at . . . the stars!"
"Then why were you grunting so?" asked Link.
Zelda hit him in his arm. "Don't you dare ask a lady that! She can do whatever she wants to!"
Malon looked appalled. "I was not doing that!"
Suddenly, the sound of an organ grinder went off somewhere near the chimney of the house.
"What was that?" Link asked, making a start towards the chimney.
"Nothing!" Malon said quickly, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from it.
Link realized for the first time that a Malon extremely naked except for Magic Bean Plant leaves, on top of the Lakeside Laboratory, grunting, in the middle of the night is not exactly an innocent Malon.
"Oho, of course, of course," said Link rather cleverly. He reached quietly for another Deku nut. Before Malon could say another word, he threw it at the chimney and it illuminated a rather frightful picture of the Windmill Man completely naked except for his organ grinder covering his organ.
Suddenly Link shrunk back in fear. "Zelda, hide me!"
"What are you talking about Link? It's just the Windmill Man. He couldn't hurt a fly!" she responded.
Malon blushed rather brilliantly, and said, "I can . . . I can explain . . ."
Zelda's eyes widened. "Oh. I understand. Well, Malon, I don't believe the Marathon Runner will be very proud of you." She crossed her arms and turned her back to Malon. Malon began pleading with her.
"You!" It was the Windmill Man. He had gotten up, still holding the organ grinder. "You were that stupid kid who ruined my Windmill!"
"Me, Sir? That wasn't me . . . couldn't have been . . ." he replied, taking a few steps backward.
"It was you! I remember that tunic, and that crazy hair!"
"His hair is not crazy!" said Zelda who then returned to pouting at Malon.
Link continued to walk backward.
In a span of five minutes, Zelda and Malon began arguing loudly, the Windmill Man continued to rage at Link, who continued to walk slowly backward. It wasn't until he backed right off the roof of that house that everyone came to attention.
"Link!" Zelda screamed as she ran to the edge.
"Zelda . . ." he said breathlessly.
"Oh my God, are you okay?!" she continued to yell towards the ground.
"Zelda I just want to say . . . just want to say that I . . ."
Zelda's heart filled. He's going to tell me he loves me just before he dies! she thought.
"I just wanted to say that I can't swim! Damn it, I need my Zora's Tunic!"
Four weeks later things had calmed down a bit. Zelda had jumped in the water to save Link, and they had plans to move in together, though Link's house was too small for them. He claimed he'd conferred with the gold skulltula family. They didn't need the house anymore because they were spiders, so they are going to let them move in and remodel. He purposely did not find three of the gold skulltula tokens. Link and Zelda were a very happy and sexually charged couple. Impa had gone crazy after she found out that Zelda wanted to move out with Link. It was about pay or something. As for Malon, she and the Marathon Runner broke up, though he never found out about the Windmill Man. He ran off with Nabooru, the head thief of the Gerudos. Malon never finished her dirty deeds with the Windmill Man, but instead began fancying becoming a nun. She was so frightened of another man trying to kill her friend, that she was almost forced into celibacy. She, however, has recently begun idolizing the many faces of the Happy Mask Salesman. Hyrule settles down again for another night of rest. Link and Zelda are letting the semen go fishing, Malon is fantasizing about the Keaton Mask, the Cucco lady is calming Impa out of her rage, and Zelda's father is going to spend another happy night with the lady whose dog he found.