January 26th, 1792
Well, today was my birthday, and I am now 18 years old. It has been a strange day, wonderful in so many ways, but still somehow tinged with the sadness that I recently discovered within myself and now refuses to leave me in peace. I am older, and for once I feel it, feel the years moving away from me and leaving me helpless to do anything to stop the passage of time. Within the next two years if not sooner, my Mother will have arranged me into a suitable marriage, cast me away to live with someone who I will be lucky to like let alone love, and I will be duty bound to obey him for the rest of my days and to live a life as a prisoner. I cannot see it as anything else, and I am filled with fear whenever I let my thoughts stray to contemplate such a fate. I do not want such a life, but I can see no way in which to avoid it. Oh but I must stop this, if I continue to think in such a way I will surely go mad..
I rose early today as I could not sleep due to one thing or another, and I was surprised but pleased to find the others also awake and downstairs when I made my way down to the dining room. Breakfast started as a quiet affair, just William, Caroline and myself along with the most delicious strawberry jam I have ever tasted in my life.
"From Mrs. Warner," Caroline informed me with a smile. " 'Something to start the day off right for the Birthday Girl', or so she said." I voiced my gratitude, making a note as I did so to remember to go down to the kitchen after the meal was over in order to thank my brother's cook in person for her thoughtfulness. I doubted if our servants at home would even know it was my birthday, much less care enough to do anything about it, and this small token did much to lighten my sprits as I finished my bread and poured myself a cup of tea to wash it down with.
"And now, for the presents!" Announced William when the breakfast dishes had all been cleared away. I could not help feeling suddenly excited at his words, although at this age I really should be past that by now. I also could not think who I could be receiving gifts from - my stay in London was surely my present from Mother and William. Nevertheless though, Caroline appeared at that moment with a selection of gaily wrapped parcels and I watched in surprise as she set them down before me.
"Happy Birthday, Ginny," she told me, smiling as happily as if it had been her own gifts she were holding.
"But." I began, still too amazed to do much more than just stare at the bundles before me.
"Go on, open one!" William urged from the corner, clearly seeing that I was not about to do so without at least a small amount of prompting. Carefully I picked up the first package, a soft flimsy mass that, when opened, revealed a quite beautiful jade coloured shawl with pale pink trim.
"Didn't think I could go wrong with those colours," my brother observed, and I smiled my thanks at him, turning the fabric over in my hands a few times and enjoying the silky feel of it against my fingers.
"It is lovely, William, thank you," I told him earnestly, folding my gift neatly before laying it carefully by my side. "But you really should not have, allowing me to stay with yourself and Caroline is more than enough of a present, honestly." he cut me off though, laughing good naturedly as always.
"It's your 18th Birthday Ginny. You didn't think we could let you get away with out having any gifts this morning did you?" he asked, nodding towards the pile as he spoke. "You'd better get a move on as well, otherwise it will be lunch time before you've finished there!"
So one by one I unwrapped each bundle, each revealing something new and precious to my gaze. Some rose scented soap, a jar of sweets, a small trinket box with a blue and gold pattern on the lid and my name in gold along the bottom; nothing expensive or stunning in itself, but each one meaning so much more to me because of the love and consideration that had clearly gone into the choosing of each item. Finally there was only one left, a thin rectangular box with a gold ribbon tied around it.
"This one is from Caroline," William told me, crossing the room to rest his hand on his wife's shoulder as he spoke. Looking quickly away from the tableau of perfection that they unwittingly presented to my gaze I focused my attention on the box, opening it carefully. Inside was a piece of green velvet, and as I pulled it back my final gift was revealed to my gaze.
"It's beautiful." I exclaimed in wonder, and indeed it was. A delicate gold bracelet with links so tiny I had to squint slightly in order to see them, and when I turned it over, my name engraved in thin flowing script along the small plaque that it held in the centre.
"Do you like it?" Caroline asked anxiously, watching me closely for my reaction.
"I love it, really, it is wonderful," I told her quickly, eager to reassure her. "Really Caroline, I adore it. You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble, but."
"It was no trouble, Ginny," she told me, smiling happily. "As William said, it is a special day; it would not do for you to have nothing to remember it by."
"Just being here will be memory enough," I replied, feeling a sudden unexpected sting of tears that I quickly forced down again. William and Caroline were too busy smiling at each other in response to my words to notice and I told myself to stop being so silly. Birthdays are not a time for sadness, especially not one as important as my 18th. Vowing at that point to put such stupid notions from my head I thanked them both again for their kindness, before addressing myself to the task of gathering my gifts together and taking them upstairs.
The rest of the day continued as it started, with merriment and visits in the afternoon, followed my what has to have been the most delicious meal I have ever experienced in my life. Caroline had made sure to discover my favourite dishes, and everything I could have possibly dreamed of wanting to eat was laid out on the table before me like a banquet. By the end of it all I felt quite ill with everything I had eaten and could not have managed another mouthful even if I had been begged to. Thankfully though everyone else appeared to be in the same condition, and we retired to sit by the fire whilst we recovered from our feast. The evening passed quickly, and before I knew it the clock was showing midnight and my birthday was over.
I have been in my room for a while now, thinking over the day and wondering at the fact that I have not once thought of home or missed not being there for this special occasion. I know I should not feel so, but I cannot help that I feel happier here, as if I can relax properly for the first time in my life in a way that has just not been possible before. I hate to think that in time I will have to leave all this, leave William and Caroline and the freedom that I have grown so used to even after being here such a short time. It will make the return to my usual life so much harder I fear, and I cannot help thinking that I will not be at all happy to return to it.
Well, today was my birthday, and I am now 18 years old. It has been a strange day, wonderful in so many ways, but still somehow tinged with the sadness that I recently discovered within myself and now refuses to leave me in peace. I am older, and for once I feel it, feel the years moving away from me and leaving me helpless to do anything to stop the passage of time. Within the next two years if not sooner, my Mother will have arranged me into a suitable marriage, cast me away to live with someone who I will be lucky to like let alone love, and I will be duty bound to obey him for the rest of my days and to live a life as a prisoner. I cannot see it as anything else, and I am filled with fear whenever I let my thoughts stray to contemplate such a fate. I do not want such a life, but I can see no way in which to avoid it. Oh but I must stop this, if I continue to think in such a way I will surely go mad..
I rose early today as I could not sleep due to one thing or another, and I was surprised but pleased to find the others also awake and downstairs when I made my way down to the dining room. Breakfast started as a quiet affair, just William, Caroline and myself along with the most delicious strawberry jam I have ever tasted in my life.
"From Mrs. Warner," Caroline informed me with a smile. " 'Something to start the day off right for the Birthday Girl', or so she said." I voiced my gratitude, making a note as I did so to remember to go down to the kitchen after the meal was over in order to thank my brother's cook in person for her thoughtfulness. I doubted if our servants at home would even know it was my birthday, much less care enough to do anything about it, and this small token did much to lighten my sprits as I finished my bread and poured myself a cup of tea to wash it down with.
"And now, for the presents!" Announced William when the breakfast dishes had all been cleared away. I could not help feeling suddenly excited at his words, although at this age I really should be past that by now. I also could not think who I could be receiving gifts from - my stay in London was surely my present from Mother and William. Nevertheless though, Caroline appeared at that moment with a selection of gaily wrapped parcels and I watched in surprise as she set them down before me.
"Happy Birthday, Ginny," she told me, smiling as happily as if it had been her own gifts she were holding.
"But." I began, still too amazed to do much more than just stare at the bundles before me.
"Go on, open one!" William urged from the corner, clearly seeing that I was not about to do so without at least a small amount of prompting. Carefully I picked up the first package, a soft flimsy mass that, when opened, revealed a quite beautiful jade coloured shawl with pale pink trim.
"Didn't think I could go wrong with those colours," my brother observed, and I smiled my thanks at him, turning the fabric over in my hands a few times and enjoying the silky feel of it against my fingers.
"It is lovely, William, thank you," I told him earnestly, folding my gift neatly before laying it carefully by my side. "But you really should not have, allowing me to stay with yourself and Caroline is more than enough of a present, honestly." he cut me off though, laughing good naturedly as always.
"It's your 18th Birthday Ginny. You didn't think we could let you get away with out having any gifts this morning did you?" he asked, nodding towards the pile as he spoke. "You'd better get a move on as well, otherwise it will be lunch time before you've finished there!"
So one by one I unwrapped each bundle, each revealing something new and precious to my gaze. Some rose scented soap, a jar of sweets, a small trinket box with a blue and gold pattern on the lid and my name in gold along the bottom; nothing expensive or stunning in itself, but each one meaning so much more to me because of the love and consideration that had clearly gone into the choosing of each item. Finally there was only one left, a thin rectangular box with a gold ribbon tied around it.
"This one is from Caroline," William told me, crossing the room to rest his hand on his wife's shoulder as he spoke. Looking quickly away from the tableau of perfection that they unwittingly presented to my gaze I focused my attention on the box, opening it carefully. Inside was a piece of green velvet, and as I pulled it back my final gift was revealed to my gaze.
"It's beautiful." I exclaimed in wonder, and indeed it was. A delicate gold bracelet with links so tiny I had to squint slightly in order to see them, and when I turned it over, my name engraved in thin flowing script along the small plaque that it held in the centre.
"Do you like it?" Caroline asked anxiously, watching me closely for my reaction.
"I love it, really, it is wonderful," I told her quickly, eager to reassure her. "Really Caroline, I adore it. You shouldn't have gone to so much trouble, but."
"It was no trouble, Ginny," she told me, smiling happily. "As William said, it is a special day; it would not do for you to have nothing to remember it by."
"Just being here will be memory enough," I replied, feeling a sudden unexpected sting of tears that I quickly forced down again. William and Caroline were too busy smiling at each other in response to my words to notice and I told myself to stop being so silly. Birthdays are not a time for sadness, especially not one as important as my 18th. Vowing at that point to put such stupid notions from my head I thanked them both again for their kindness, before addressing myself to the task of gathering my gifts together and taking them upstairs.
The rest of the day continued as it started, with merriment and visits in the afternoon, followed my what has to have been the most delicious meal I have ever experienced in my life. Caroline had made sure to discover my favourite dishes, and everything I could have possibly dreamed of wanting to eat was laid out on the table before me like a banquet. By the end of it all I felt quite ill with everything I had eaten and could not have managed another mouthful even if I had been begged to. Thankfully though everyone else appeared to be in the same condition, and we retired to sit by the fire whilst we recovered from our feast. The evening passed quickly, and before I knew it the clock was showing midnight and my birthday was over.
I have been in my room for a while now, thinking over the day and wondering at the fact that I have not once thought of home or missed not being there for this special occasion. I know I should not feel so, but I cannot help that I feel happier here, as if I can relax properly for the first time in my life in a way that has just not been possible before. I hate to think that in time I will have to leave all this, leave William and Caroline and the freedom that I have grown so used to even after being here such a short time. It will make the return to my usual life so much harder I fear, and I cannot help thinking that I will not be at all happy to return to it.