Disclaimer: I don't own Erik, Christine, m-r Richard and m-r Moncharmin and Persian.
Author's note: I made Erik's past absolutely different than it was in Gaston Leroux's novel or at A.L.Webber's famous musical.And this past will be very important in the future.
I hope my language is good enough though Enlish is not my native language.
Chapter V
Shadow of the past
Minutes were passing.Erik was still lying motionless holding Christine in his arms.He did not want to speak.He wanted to think about all this.No,it were not some serious thoughts that moment.He simply wanted to remember what has happened several minutes ago,to fell it again,mentally to go through it again.And he steeped in himself,in the world of his thoughts and feelings,as if he was alone.Nothing existed for him outside that minutes,even Christine.She existed only inside him,in his own world,she was part of it.It was his specifical habit-to steep in himself when it was possible and when there was not any danger outside.He let himself do it when he was in some place as this house on the lake,some place where nobody could come uninvited.He liked his inner world.Persian was right telling Christine about Erik's egoism.Erik really have never needed friends besides him.He have never need anybody since he was a child.He needed only himself and it was the best company for him.That's why he have never suffered because of his loneliness-on the contrary he liked it.Only person whom he wanted to be always besides him was Christine Daae.Certainly he could live without her but he really wanted her to be with him.Little northern girl has got her place in this cold heart and it was marvelous.Christine was one of only two persons Erik really loved and she was the only woman of those two...Many years ago Erik loved two other people but one of them was dead now and the other became the object of Erik's terrible hate...So now there was again only two persons that had their places in Phantom's heart and little Christine was one of them.And also she was the second and concurrently the first woman he really loved.So all tenderness which that cruel man could feel,and all love which that cinycal egoist could feel he gave this little girl,especially now,when he knew she loved him and could let himself express those feelings openly.And he was happy,absolutely happy now.It wouldn't right to say he always was unhappy before.No,he was not.There were many things important for him that saticfied him,many things he wanted to do and did.He was never absolutely saticfied because he never stoped on his way-he moved forward and forward looking for something new-new goals,new deals.And it was right from his point of view.But with Christine it other case.It was simply human love.And now he had simple and quiet human happiness he had never felt before.He could live without it but he was very glad he has got it.
Erik lifted up slowly from deep bottom of his inner world.Christine...He could feel her silk curls on his chest,her breath on his shoulder.She was lying in his arms and he felt how rigid and frightened she was.
Christine was also thinking about what has happened that moment.She did not know what it was and she did not know what will be after all this.What did he do with her?Why did he do it?Was it some rite to make her his completely?She could not meet his eyes.When he rolled onto his back she put her head onto his shoulder and stayed rigid in that position.She was afraid to move some way because she could meet his eyes and she was sure she would die of shame if it happens.She was lying that way for rather long time.To be honest there was very comfortable in his arms.His embrace was so warm and gentle and protective...But her shame...Shame she felt feeling his naked body against hers...It was so strange to feel bared skin of his shoulder against her cheek,his arms around her naked body,his breathing that touched her forehead...At last she felt she wanted very much to lift her head up and look at him,but she was too frightened for doing this.It was easier to lie still in the warm circle of his arms,listening to his heartbeating.But after some more time his still breathing made her sure he was sleeping and after some more hesitation she at last lifted her head up and looked at him.He was not sleeping.His grey eyes were looking at her with strange expression.She blushed and wanted to move her head down quickly but he did not let her do it taking her chin with his fingers.Their eyes met.
-Don't be ashamed,my little angel.-he said softly.-You have no reason for it.
She kept silence looking at him shyly.Still holding her chin he kissed her lips deeply.
-I know it was not easy for you,my love.-he continuoed.-And it is very natural because you are so innocent and pure.-But you need not to be ashamed.Remember that I love you.
His words suddenly produced suspicion in her mind.She wanted to ask him a question but she did not know how to do it and that question could turn out to be not the thing Erik liked.She hesitated.
-You want to ask me some question,do not you?-he said reading her thoughts easily as usual.-So do it,darling,don't hesitate.
-Tell me please...-she began shyly looking for correct words.
-Yes,I'm listening to you,my love.
-Tell me...that...what has happened now...I mean...
-I understand what you mean,my dear.So continuoe please.
-That has happened...Was it...Was it that "forbidden terms" that could be between...That honest girl must not have with a man...untill the wedding?
-Yes,you are right,my love.That has happened between us now,that I've done with you-it is really that thing which you call "forbidden terms",that thing which can be one of the most important and deepest expressions of love.
Her big blue eyes suddenly filled with tears.
-What's wrong,my dear girl?-he asked gently.-Why those tears?What upsets you?Tell me what is it.
He knew exactly what it was but it was important for him to listen the answer from her own lips and to send her fears away.
-Will you...-her voice was trembling.-Will you think that I am...fallen woman... because I've done...it...without...
-Without the wedding?-he asked.
She nodded silently.Two tears ran over her cheeks.
He caressed her cheek with his fingers and kissed her forehead.
-My dear angel,-he answered.-For the first-it was not you who has done it.It was me,I've done it with you.And the second-no,I will never think about you such way because fallen women (gentle irony appeared in his voice)usually know in such situations what is happening.
She looked fearfully into his eyes and blushed again.
-Are you serious?...-she whispered.
-Absolutely serious,my love.
-I've never known what "forbidden terms" was...-she said shyly.
-I know,my sweet girl.
New question came into her mind.
-You've said it can be one of the most important expressions of love?...
-Yes,it is true,my darling.I understand that you did not know it;that all you was expecting were kisses,wasn't you?
She nodded silently.
-But there is also another side of love-it is connected with body.Woman sometimes can be satisfied by platonic love,but there is no man in the world who can be satisfied by this.Maybe man's love is animalistic a little,but that is reality.The man wants his beloved to belong to him completely-not only her heart and soul,but also her body.I know it's difficult for you to understand such thing but that is man's love.
-And this...-she began and stoped hesitating.
-Don't be afraid of telling me your thoughts,my angel.-he caressed her cheek.-I'm always ready to listen to you and understand.
-You've done it...I mean...
-I know what you mean,my girl.Tell me what do you want to tell.
-It made you...You are satisfied now...It made you?...
He took her chin again and looked into her eyes.
-Yes,I'm satisfied if it is the right words this moment.Yes,it made me happy,my lovely Christine,you made me happy.You gave yourself to me completely,without questions though it was very difficult for you because of your innocence;you were so frightened...I felt your fear and shame and it made your love even more dear,even more sweet for me.You gave me your innocent beauty and your love-so shy,so touching.Your body and soul is priceless gift which so many men would like to get,but it's mine.
There was a whole world of disbelief in her eyes.
-Priceless gift?...Me?...
His fingers touched her lips in forbidding gesture.
-Remember,I forbade you to doubt.I dislike to repeat this so many times.But I will never be tired of repeating other things...
-What things?...-she whispered.
-What things,little disbeliever?That I love you,for example.That you are little marvel.
Her pale face became rosy again and she pressed it against his shoulder.He stoped his speech and silently stroke silk curls of her hair and kissed them.
A minute or two passed in silence.Erik's long fingers were running through Christine's hair,his other hand held her tight.She was trembling again.It reminded him of one case many years ago-he was seven or eight years old then.He found little bird in the grass under the tree in the garden.He understood soon that the bird droped out of the nest in it's mother's absence.He was holding the bird between his palms and could feel it's heartbeating-it was so fast.And he felt how frightened and helpless that little thing was.It was so scared lying on the grass after droping out of the nest.The world was dangerous and terrible for this little bird-somebody could kill it by his boot not even seeing it,a cat could eat it.So he saved the bird's life when he found it and took it out of the grass.And the bird somehow felt it was out of many dangers that moment.But it also was afraid of him,it's saver-he was real gigant for little bird.He could hold the bird too tight and kill it,and the bird felt this new danger.The bird was afraid of it's saver though he was it's only possibility to survive and return to it's nest.He found the nest on the tree and put little bird into it.And now he felt the same way holding Christine in his arms.She was as helpless and frightened as that little bird and her heart was beatening so fast.She was afraid of the world and he was her saver,her support.And also she was afraid of him.But (and it was the difference betwen she and the bird) if he would hold her too tight in his arms and kill she would accept it with that obedient look of sacrifice animal.But he will never...
-My little star...-he whispered framing her face with his hands and kissing her eyes and cheeks.-You are shining so brightly among the dirty of this world...You are as the lightning-bug among the dark field.But your light is so delicate,so breakable...Some rough hands could turn off your light...But I will not let them...I will protect you,I will keep your light...I'll hold you and I'll hide you from the cruelty of this world...
He heard clearly she could hardly breath listening to those words.Her lips were trembling and tears appeared again in two blue lakes of her eyes.
-You still can't believe you deserve such words and actions.-he said softly.-But I know you deserve and you need to learn to believe it.You need to believe I love you.
-All I want is to be with you.To be always besides you.If you are really want to share your life with me...To be part,little part of your life...If you let me of course...That's all I ask of you...If I have any right to ask you for anything...-she finished looking at him fearfully.
-Yes,you have,my angel.And I want to share with you my love and life...I want you to be mine,only mine, completely-body and soul.That's all I want from you.And you gave all this to me,you gave yourself to me.You know, my girl,neither you nor anybody else can be my whole life.But to be part of it,yes,you can be it.You are already the part of my life and not very little one.
-And...-she hesitated.
He was waiting for continuoing silently.
-...We really...will never part?-she finished at last.
-Yes,we'll never part.You are mine now,completely mine and you know,-his tone became joking again.-that I'm very greedy and if I've got something,I'll never give it to anyone and never let it leave me.So you may be sure I'll never leave you.And if you want to leave me one day,-there was mock threat in his words.-I'm afraid you'll follow Desdemona.
-I'll never...-she whispered.
-It's a joke,my love.I will never play Othello somewhere out of scene.I will never be Othello in life.I am too selfish, cynical and pride to be jealous and especially to kill woman because of it.Such action is so pitiful,so silly-I'll never do that.Man must be wise enough to know if his wife cheats on him or not.And if she does-he must send her away and never see her again-that's my opinion.But to strangle her-no,it's ugly.So if you want to leave me one day-I'll let you go.But do not think that I am so kind man.I simply made right choice-I've chosen you.And you'll never leave me because you love me too much.So I may sleep calmly and not to worry about you.To be honest,I would never marry woman who is capable to leave me one day.I know people,so I can see if woman can do so or not.You'll never do so,that's one of the reasons why I love you.To be honest I can make any woman fall on her knees and be my slave,I know many ways to make people slaves,but I would not like to live with such woman after my victory-I would break her, make her a slave and then leave her.But you...-his long fingers ran through her hair.-I will never leave you,never.Little angel...My wife...
-Oh,Erik!...-she breathed.-I...I feel as if I'm in some fairy-tale...I'm only afraid it will finish...
-It's not a fairy-tale and it will never finish.Believe me,little nightingale.And my congratulations-you've already called me by name quite simply.
She blushed.He kissed her silk locks his fingers still running through it.She liked to look at those long,powerful fingers,fingers of musician.So graceful they were.Two rings sparkled on his right hand.One,on the little finger,she knew very well-it always was on Erik's right little finger.The ring was made of yellow metal (Christine knew very little about jewels so she could not say if it was gold or not) and decorated by Gorgon Medusa's head of the same metal with two green stones as Medusa's eyes.That ring scared her a little.Mdusa's face had that expression which made people stones as legend told-the expression of terrible fury,her hair stands on her head.The other ring,on Erik's right ring finger was unknown to her.She've never seen it before,though she noticed that there was white print on that finger as if there usually was a ring,but she've never seen the ring itself.And now the ring was there on it's place.It was big,also of yellow metal decorated with something like two united coats of arms made of the same metal and decorated by several stones.Christine looked at those rings and thought they looked very beautiful on Erik's fingers.Those fingers seemed to be made for the jewels.Now his right arm was lying still around her shoulders.Christine wanted...She hesitated for some time,then moved her head and pressed her lips to his fingers shyly.He caressed her cheek,then lifted her face up to look into her eyes.
-I love you...-she whispered.
-Will you ever be tired of speaking it,madame?-he asked teasing.
Her eyes widened and she shook her head fearfully.
-I will never be...tired of it!...Never...If you wil not be tired of me...
-Never...-he said jokingly copying her tone,then repeated more seriously.-Never,mon ange.
-You have so beautiful rings.-she said softly.
-You like them,don't you.
She nodded.
-Yes,I do,very much.But why...-she hesitated.Maybe it was one of those forbidden questions Erik refused to answer earlier.
-What is it,my love?-he asked.-Ask your question.
-Maybe,I mustn't...
-Ask it and we'll see.I will tell many of those forbidden questions now.Because now you are my wife.
"My wife"-it was heaven music for her.Shy smile lighted her face.
-I wanted to ask-why you've never worn this ring before?There was a print of it on your finger,but the ring itself...
-I did not want you see it.Nobody must see it-only person whom I trust completely.
-But...why?...Oh,sorry,I mustn't...
-I've said now you may ask,my angel.This ring is...dangerous some way.It is the shadow of my past.
-Your past?
-Yes,my girl.Usually I wear it all the time but I took it off in your presence.You had not see it then.
-But...-she hesitated.-Is it made of gold?
-Yes,it is.
Her eyes widened.
-Oh,it must be very expensive.Though these stones must be glasses...
She stoped.Erik laughed.She understood she said something stupid,but she did not know what exactly it was.But most of all she was surprised by the sound of his laugh.It was the first time she've ever heard his laugh.Not that evil sound he uttered several times during his conversation with Raoul and Persian when they were locked in his torture chamber,but real gay laugh.And it was so pleasant for her to hear it though she felt as a fool that moment.
-The glasses!...-he said through his laugh.-Oh,yes,certainly!What else could it be?...
Christine's face became pink of shame.
-I know so little about it...-she murmured.
He framed her face with his hands.
-Yes,you know little about it.-he said,covering her face with little kisses.-So liitle!Yes,only you could said such thing.Only you,my little songbird...How naive you are!...And I love you for that,I love you as much as I can.
All Christine wanted that moment was to disappear somehow and not to hear those sweet words that,as she thought,she did not deserve.But concurrently it was so pleasant...She felt as if she was in paradise...
-Yes,my love,this ring is from my past.-he said seriously at last.-It is very important for me,very dear to me...It is a memory,Christine,this ring was present from person I loved and respected very much.It sounds strange,I know.But there really was a person,a man whom I loved and respected.And he loved me.He died and this ring reminds me of him.I'll never part with it.
To be honest Christine has never thought about Erik's past,if he had parents,relatives and so on.He was such mysterious and frightenimg figure,she could only think of himself,not about his past.But now she thought she understood.
-That man was...your father?...-she asked shyly.
His grey eyes became even colder than usual,they looked like they were frozen and covered by ice.The fingers of his left hand caught the blanket,then released it.
-No.-he answered shortly.
-Forgive me,I said something wrong...-she whispered.
His eyes quickly return to their usual calm and cold expression,then became warm again as they were now everytime when he looked at her.
-No,you did not.I've said you may ask what you want,my girl.But it is too long story,I will tell you it later.
Wishing to change the theme she said.
-And your other ring is so beautiful,but frightening...
-It is also golden and Medusa's eyes are emeralds.-he said.-I bought it fourteen years ago.I liked it immediately when I saw it.For me it was something like symbol.
-Symbol...of what?-she asked shyly scared by possibility to see that frozen expression in his eyes again.
-Of myself,beloved.When people looked at Medusa's face they became stones.When they look at my face they draw back in fear.
-But they have no right to act like this!-she cryed.-How could they! They forget who they are and who you are!-She clutched her little fists.-They are just...
-Jusy who,my darling?-he asked.
-Just fools!...-she finished.
Erik laughed again.
-Well,my dear,love is terrible thing sometimes.Love taught you to be angry.You looks as if you were ready to kill them all.
She pressed her face to his shoulder to hide it.
-Forgive me...-she murmured.-I also behave like a fool.
He kissed the top of her head.
-Not at all,my dear.It is so natural when you love somebody to be angry with those who does not.You learned to be angry.
-I only...I love you!...You are my life...I
He stoped her by kiss.Then he pull the ring with Medusa's head off his little finger,took Christine's left hand and placed the ring on her middle finger.
-I want you to wear it,my love.-he said gently.-Let it be the engagement ring.Maybe it is too late for engagement now, but wear it,my love.Let Medusa protect you,mon ange.
-It is so beautuful...-she murmured.-Thank you!...I will always wear it.-she hesitated.-Today I've heard your laughter for the first time...It is so wonderful...I've never expected...-she stoped.
-You've never guessed I could laugh.-it could be a question, but it was not.-To be honest I rarely laugh,my girl.I'm not that kind of person who likes to laugh. That is my nature.But you makes me laugh,my little nightingale.
She blushed.
-Because I'm so silly?...
-No,because you are so naive.You are such a marvel,my dear girl.I love you.
-And I love you too,so much...
-You are tired,my darling.This evening was not easy for you.So sleep now,have a rest.
She looked at him fearfully.
-And you...
-You think that since I've already got from you all I wanted,now when you will fall asleep,I will run away in unknown direction?-he asked jokingly.
-Sorry,I did not mean...
-No,no,my dear,you are still afraid of it.But I'm not going to leave you.Believe me,little songbird.I will never leave you.- He kissed her softly.-Sleep now and don't worry.
She put her head onto his shoulder and closed her eyes.It was so wonderful to lie there listening to his heartbeating again.He hold her a little tighter and it was so good...Then she opened her eyes again.Some curls of his thick dark-brown hair droped onto his shoulders and were now very close to her face.She wanted to touch his hair very much but her shyness did not let her.At last she moved her head forward a little and touched his dark curls with her lips shyly.His hair was as hard and stubborn as it's owner.He noticed her gesture and his lips touched her forehead.
-I'm sorry,I...-she whispered.
-My darling why you must be sorry? Maybe you think that only fallen women do such things? But it is not so.
-You have such beautiful hair...-she said blushing.
-I know.Thanks for the compliment,my angel.
What does his tone remind her of? His face was motionless but his tone...
-Are you...Are you smiling now?-she asked shyly.
-Why do you think so?
-Because I hear...your voice is smiling...
-Yes,you are right,my love.I can't smile as other people-my face can't smile because it is covered by dead skin.
-And I am...hear your smile for the first time...as your laughter...
-You made me smile,little angel.
-But I am...
-Not only silly girl.-he interrupted.-Stop saying it or you will make me angry.
She nodded silently.
-As you wish,Erik...-she then whispered.-I will do as you wish.Always.
He kissed her again.
-So sleep now,my darling.
She placed her head onto his shoulder again and soon she fell asleep.Several minutes later Erik stood up carefully doing his best for not to awake her.He put on his clothes and went to the door.Near the door he turned to look at Christine.She looked like angel sleeping on the cloud.
-Sleep calmly,my love.-he whispered.-Several hours later we will leave Paris and this dark place will stay behind.
He went to his cabinet downstairs.He had some deals to do before their leaving.He needed to leave a letter with instructions for Richard and Moncharmin.But for the first he needed to write two more letters-one for Persian and the second for Christine's mother.When the letters were ready he put a letter for Christine's mother on a table for it had to be sent a little later and two other letters he put into his pocket.Then he put on his cloak and left the house locking the doors accurately to protect his little angel from any danger.
He went his secret way,not using the lake.Soon he reached the Opera House.He visited managers office and put the lettew for them into secret place known only to him and two of them.Then he went out of the theatre into empty night streets of Paris.Letter for Persian was also delivered rather quickly.
And now Erik needed to make one more visit-one visit before leaving.He went in direction he needed.
"You've returned today." He thought on his way."And all this became dangerous because of it.When our dear Raoul discovers that Christine left Paris with me he will be in hysterics.And where will he run for help? Philippe will not help him because he does not want Raoul to marry Christine,Philippe will be very glad to hear about her leaving with another man.Mon cher ami daroga? Yes but how could he help him? Police? But they will never believe such story. So Raoul could come to you and tell...No,it must not happen.Philippe will do his best to send Raoul away from Paris as soon as possible. There is really nothing to worry about.So I will simply see you before my leaving and say good by to you.And you will never even know about my visit."
Erik stoped at last in front of beautiful chateau.It was the place he needed.