This fiction takes place before Chris turns 31 and so its before he moves out of his parents house and into Gus's garage. Anyways basically what I want to say is LONG LIVE THE GENIUS THAT IS CHRIS ELLIOT! Without him this fic would have been about either a completely different show or book or something and it more then likely wouldn't have been worth my time writing. I hope you enjoy.

Get A Life

Pet-A-Thon 2000

Written By Justin Kelly

Opening - (Chris comes walking into the kitchen like he does just about every morning)

Chris : "Good morning father and mother of which whom I am the egg that hath been fertilized, and then born 8 months after in a premature birth filled with so much blood it would be worthy of the record books."

Gladys : " Oh Chris, you don't always have to be so dramatic, its not like this is some sort of T.V. show or anything. "

Chris: " I guess your right, I wonder what it would be like if this was all an elaborate set though and we were just living our lives out on T.V. (pokes at the screen) oh, you crazy kids out there , you love watching our crazy hijinks don't you, oh yes you do!"

Fred: " Knock that off boy! We don't need you causing a ruckus around here, you're lucky you have a roof over your head and food in your stomach….a little too much food by the look of things. "

Chris: (trying to sound French for no apparent reason) " Oh, wee papa. But don't be absurd I wasn't causing a ruckus I was just having a little fun."

Fred: " Fine, fine, besides, shouldn't you be off lollygagging around town by now?"

Chris: (back in his normal voice) " That's right! I was going to go to the pet store today and find a new hamster , something happened to Shifty he just kinda stopped moving. I don't know what it was that killed him, maybe it was the terrible homesickness he suffered or it could have been that time I accidentally stabbed him while innocently trying to pet him with a knife. Well I guess I'll never know, the Lord works in mysterious ways…"

Fred: " Just don't bring home a donkey, ok? The last thing we need is another jack*ss like you running around here."

Chris : "Whatever you say your majesty. (takes a bow) I shall be back to thy humble abode before supper…by the way what are we having?"

Fred:" Fried Shifty!"

Chris: " wow! I hope he tastes as good in death as he did in life…"

Gladys: (to Fred) "Don't tell Chris such things, you know he will believe anything we tell him." (now to Chris) "we are actually having meatloaf tonight dear, your dad is just joking around , weren't you Fred?"

Fred: " darn it woman how many times do I have to tell you I hate having to apologize to the boy, it makes me sound weak!"

Chris: " Oh dad, we all know you're a cuddly little lovable soft and furry bunny who wouldn't even kill a fly!"

Fred : " GLADYS! See what I mean!"

(Chris skips his way to the door and walks out very happily)

(Theme song plays "Stand" by REM….Stand in the place where you live, now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven't before….blah, blah, blah )

(Commercial Break)

(At the local pet store, Chris enters after slowly browsing the window display that has some little puppies and kitties playfully jumping around in it, one of the puppies jumps up and smiles at Chris and wags its tail back and forth)

Chris : " Hello my friendly shop keep, how are you this fine morning"

(after saying this a bird with sharp talons swoops down and lands on his head and claws at it for nearly a minute before the shop owner goes to pry it off with a broom handle.)

Chris : " What on earth did you do that for I was just starting to enjoy the full on talon thrusting scalpel massage!"

Pet Store Owner: "What?!? You really looked like you were in pain mister, I was only trying to help! Look at your head its even bleeding, pretty badly I might add you can even see the areas where it completely ripped away some of your skin."

Chris : " Oh, don't be silly, this happens every time some friendly bird tries to give me a massage with its sharp dangerous talons. Besides…there's nothing to worry about this isn't even blood, its just the birds sensual message lotion, here taste it ( Chris wipes off a little bit of blood that's running down his forehead and hands it to the shop owner to taste), it kinda has a saltiness to it but that's probably what makes it so relaxing as the bird moves it around the scalp."

Pet Store Owner: " You know what, no thanks I think I may have to pass on the taste test, eh maybe next time ok? "

Chris: " So anyways as I was saying when I first walked in before the bird so generously decided to give up some of its free time for me, how are you doing this fine morning?"

Pet Store Owner : " Swell, just swell, is there anything in particular I can help you with?"

Chris : " Well I originally came in here looking for a new hamster but after seeing your amazing window display I think it convinced me I want a dog. Say, How much is that doggy in the window?"

Pet Store Owner : " The one with the waggily tail?

Chris: " Yes! How much is that doggy in the window, Oh I do hope that doggie's for sale!"

Pet Store Owner : " He's not for sale and neither are any of these other animals, I've decided from this moment on I'm going to keep all of them for myself, because I don't like sharing so foo on you! (does a flamboyant hand motion towards Chris)"

Chris :" geeeeee's you don't need to be such a whiny baby about it"

Pet Store Owner : " Well actually now that I think about it I cant very well just not sell anything, this is a pet store after all so what I should be doing is selling everything right? So here's the deal how would you like to buy everything for the price of that dog? I think that would be somewhere around 80 dollars."

Chris: " wow mister that's a little steep, I only have about 30 bucks. I was only planning on getting a hamster after all."

Pet Store Owner: " Fine here give me the thirty dollars, the stores yours, you can do whatever you want with it, these animals give me the heebie jeebies!"

( Pet Store Owner hands Chris the keys to the store and then leaves slamming the door behind him and cursing the day he ever bought the shop)

Chris : " Wow, what a nice man. At times the world seems so cruel and then you run into someone like that and they just brighten your day, who knew such a little cactus could make a watermelon grow big and tall, not me that's for sure, and the day the ghost of bob Cratchett and Tiny Tim came and the ooey gooey marshmallow surprise we all enjoyed from that day forth….(continues to ramble on and on about things that don't make any sense for about 20 more seconds)."

Some random bird : Squawk! SQUAWK!!!!!

Chris: " Aghhhhh! What the heck was that….What am I doing in a pet store?!?!? Oh yes I remember I own this place now… (talking to himself ) So what am I supposed to do now?"

(Commercial break)

( As we return we see Chris successfully running the shop selling animals left and right)

Little Boy : "Golly Chris! You sure are an amazing pet store owner, I wanna be just like you when I grow up"

Chris : "you say that now but just wait, you will realize soon enough that all the glamour and glitz of being the owner of a pet store soon runs out, its not all its cracked up to be. Oh and by the way enjoy that elephant Tommy, just remember to feed him three square meals a day, and you might also want to keep him away from any trampolines, and don't forget…elephants are big."

Little Boy : "Thanks again, I wont forget I promise, ill take really good care of him, I have a place set up for him in the corner of my room right now!"

Chris : (as the boy walks away, Chris kind of sighs to himself and says ) "those darn rich kids and there 500,000 square foot rooms with ceilings taller then the eye can see."

(everything seems to be going well and Chris's newly acquired business seems to be thriving until…)

( all of the animals can be heard coughing and just plain being sick)

Dogs and cats and other various pet store animals (more or less talking in kind of a dream like thing ) : "Chris you didn't feed us! Chris you need to take better care of us! Chris.. Chris! CHRIS!

Gladys: " Wake up Chris, your sleeping at the kitchen table again, what's wrong?"

Chris : " Well gee mom, I took over running the pet store like two whole days ago and things have been going great, but I just realized I haven't given any of the animals new food or anything and I think they are all getting really sick, I need to find a way to get them help."

Gladys : "Well why don't you ask your dad, he might know what to do"

Fred: "I don't know what to do why do you even tell him to ask me you know I have no clue what's going on…sorry son, I'm losing it in my old age…"

Chris : " Oh its alright dad I'm sure I'll find some way to help those poor sick animals after all I am CHRIS PETERSON!"

(at that very moment a newspaper blows in from the open front door and right on to Chris's face)

Chris : "hmm, how lucky this newspaper has an add that says "need help for your sick pets, this is a once in a lifetime offer good only for people named Chris. We can help as many animals as you have for the low low cost of eight hundred dollars" Wow amazing, well its sure a good thing you guys named me Chris, what a strange coincidence."

Fred : " What the heck is going on?! This doesn't make any sense! And that door was closed like 5 minutes ago someone close it darn it! Its cold in here!"

Chris : "Its like some sort of miracle…but without the plaid pants. But wait…where am I going to get the eight hundred dollars?"

(just about then another paper fly's in and straight on to Chris's face again but this time the door is closed so it has to stop and knock first)

Chris: " Another paper?!? This is amazing its like I'm some sort of paper magnet and these paper's are some sort of paper that is attracted to me…the paper magnet. Any who lets have a look and see what this one says, no doubt its some profound thing that will help me raise the eight hundred dollars I need to help all those unhelped at the moment animals who need helping. Help…help, help, help, help."

(Chris kinda glances around at the paper looking for anything that might be helpful)

Chris: " Let me see, here we are! Get rich quick schemes, this paper is just what I need!

It says here "If you want to raise eight hundred dollars or more in under 1 week all you need to do is hold a telethon" hmm a telethon that doesn't sound too hard…"

(Commercial break)

(Chris is already at a television studio and the telethon is well underway, Chris is in front of the camera and starting it up)

Chris: " Well tonight is a really big night , this is Pet-A-Thon 2000! That's right we are all here to help raise money for the animals of my pet store… which I kind of sort of neglected to begin with! Well enough talk on with the show. We have special guests and well to tell you the truth they really aren't very special at all…for instance there's this guy named al that dropped by from the local gas station and then there is sue who is the owner of the hotel down the street. Oh and very special guests my mommo and poppo, Mr.

Fred Peterson and Mrs. Gladys Peterson! We aren't really going to do all that much we were kind of more or less just hoping if we showed up here maybe all of you would be kind enough to give us money. Welllllllll I suppose I can strip down to my boxers and re-enact the full Broadway production of cats for all of you kind folk at home, but you need to promise you will all send me money ok? Deal!"

( Chris fulfills his part of the deal and a Broadway re-enactment of cats has never been done more skillfully…especially not by just one man and in boxers at that.)

Chris: " I suppose maybe we should tally up the money eh? See what kinda dough we are raking in? and you know you could add in a few more ways of saying counting up how much money we have got but really that's just pointless so lets leave it at that shall we."

(Chris and his parents begin counting all the money that was sent in from the people watching the telethon, a total of nine hundred and seventy two dollars and thirty one cents had been earned that night)

Gladys: " Well Chris it looks like something you did actually turned out to be a big success for once in your insignificant life."

Fred: " Yeah son, me and your mom would like to tell you we are proud of you…but we can't unless of course you give us all the money that's remaining after paying the sick animals medical bills."

Chris: " Oh sure you can have that, what would I need a lousy one hundred and seventy two dollars and thirty one cents for anyways…I have lots of hamsters at my pet store as it is."

Fred: " Well then, we are um…uh…ugh its so hard to say can I just say we don't think your as big a failure anymore instead?"

Chris: "Sure dad, that works too, just knowing that you almost somewhat kind of show a little respect for me now is well worth the remaining money."

(several days pass and all the animals medical problems are over and the store is in great shape but Chris feels something is wrong….he longs for the days when he used to ride his bike all over the place and deliver newspapers…like any normal 30 year old of course, after a few more days of thinking it over Chris finally decides its time to call it quits he puts up a sign that says "Closed till hell freezes over" and then walks out the door hops on his bike and heads on home."

The End