With a deep breath, she stepped back. She wasn't doing this. Spike was fun, there was no denying that, but he wasn't worth losing everything in her life that she had learned to value. No matter how she felt about him, might still feel about him, Angel was her present, her future, her family. Without words, she allied herself with the still shocked Angel. But when she looked down at him, as he sat stunned and quiet on the step, he looked up at her with betrayal on his face and it didn't seem to matter right than that she chose him.
"Buffy..." he started, stopped, and then tried again. "Buffy... you and, and... you and Spike?"
She cringed. "It was a long time ago," she tried to explain, but stopped as Angel surged to his feet.
"It wasn't! That was him you smelled like last night and him you smell like tonight and how can you stand there and lie to me? You slept with my childe!"
Okay, now she was angry. "Two years ago in, hello, that time when we weren't a couple! That time when you had left me! That time when you were getting Darla pregnant, after all your sad little speeches to me about how we could never have children. Who exactly do you think you are to lecture me about my choices?"
"Then why do you smell like him now? Why can I smell his skin on yours? Why can I smell him on you?" There was anguish in his voice and it hurt her to hear it just as it put her on the defensive.
"Because I kissed him! Because, for one stupid moment, I wanted to forget things in my life. Forget that I have two kids to take care of, neither of which is mine. That I'll never have kids of my own, because you and I, you and I..." she stared up at him, at his beautiful, angry face, at the man she had loved since she was 16 years old. Then she finished, because belated or not, she owed him the truth, "Because you and I can never be... we can never really be together and I tell myself and tell myself that it doesn't matter, that I don't need that one final thing, that I don't need anything but your love..." she trailed off, unable to say that last damning statement. No matter how hard she tried, she didn't think that she would be able to look Angel in the eyes and say that it did matter, despite the countless times she had assured him that it didn't. It wasn't that she had lied to him; it was only that some truths were hard to admit even to yourself. Lost for words, she stared beseechingly at Angel, hoping he wouldn't be hurt, hoping he would understand.
Nope, she thought, looking into his face. No hope for that. He had figured it out and he wasn't happy. "You wanted to forget that you were with me? Because we can't…" he asked, his voice soft and unsure.
Shit! Ignoring Spike entirely, something that seemed to be becoming easier and easier, Buffy stepped up to Angel and took one of his hands in hers. It was cold, but that was normal. It had been years since Angel's heart had been anything but a filler in his chest.
"Angel, I love you. You know that I love you. I love you so much," she was pleading now, desperate to get that look off of his face. "I was stupid. For five minutes, I was stupid. It's been two years since Spike and I were... were anything to each other. I was just surprised. And stupid, have I mentioned stupid?"
Angel was making eye contact, but he still looked devastated.
She figured that he was only making eye contact so she could see how wrecked he was. Or was that pissed...? It was hard call to make, even when he started talking.
"You kissed him. You kissed him because you wanted to forget that you were with me. I sacrificed everything for you, for what we have together, and you wanted to forget?"
With one sudden, aggressive move forward, he grabbed her by the arms and lifted her off his feet as easily as he had lifted Spike. "You wanted to forget?" he repeated.
Buffy struggled in his grip, not wanting to hurt him, not right after she so obviously had. It was an effort to fight down instincts that had been drilled into her since before she even knew Angel. The sheer fight it took with herself to not hurt him was stressing her out even more than the situation warranted. And the situation warranted a lot of stress. God, why did she ever leave the house tonight? Why did she ever get out of bed?
"You wanted to forget?" Angel asked, his voice hoarse from strong emotion.
"Angel, I love you," she reiterated. She could break his hold, she knew that, but what exactly would that do a relationship she had already screwed up? She and Angel had always been very careful, over the years, to not find out who was stronger. The understanding that it was better not to know had always been a clear but unspoken one between them. She didn't want to fight him, but she didn't want to dangle in the air like a fish on the line either. It was at times like these that she remembered again that he had come back different after Conner's little bout of attempted murder- darn that adolescent rebellion. He was still Angel, but the control that had been so overwhelmingly present when she was in high school seemed to take much more effort for him to retain now. Buffy twisted in his arms, running through plans in her mind that would allow her to get out of this without hurting any part of Angel, even in his pride.
Help came from an unexpected source: Spike. With as little effort as Angel, Spike plucked Buffy from his grip and placed her carefully back on the ground, then turned back to Angel, advancing slowly.
"You don't touch her like that," Spike said flatly, glaring at the older vamp, the anger clear in his eyes.
Could this get weirder, thought Buffy to herself, as her loves glared at each other like they were poison. Spike and I used to beat the crap out of each other as foreplay and he's grumpy with Angel for manhandling me? What's wrong with this picture?
Angel was stepping up to Spike, matching his anger perfectly. "You think you have any right to talk to me, boy? How did you touch her? Because I know you, I spent centuries with you and with Dru. I think I know a little something about how you are with your women."
"What do you think is going on here?" Buffy demanded of both of them. "Is this some sort of a pissing contest going back for god only knows how long? What's going on here?"
"He doesn't get to touch you like that!" Spike exclaimed angrily, just as Angel declared, "He only wants you because I have you!"
Okay, this was too much, this was just a headache waiting to happen. She knew she had brought this whole situation down on herself, but that didn't mean that it wasn't driving her insane, trying to deal with it. "Shut up! Both of you just shut up! Spike, you can just pull your nose right out of my relationship with Angel. It's none of your business. Angel, you have no right to comment on anything that went on between Spike and I, much less why he wants me."
They stared at her, both of them angry, both of them upset. She suddenly didn't care. Add their two ages together, Angel and Spike had more than 400 years between them, and here they were, getting ready to fight over her like children or, god forbid, high school students.
She met their stares, Angel's dark, mournful eyes, Spike's ice pale blue eyes, and sighed. "No more. Just no more." Carefully, she took Angel's face in her hands, kissed his lips gently, trying not to be upset when he made no move to kiss her back. "Angel, I love you. I've loved you since I was sixteen. I don't what I can tell you besides that. You are my life, you always have been, even when I never saw you. You have to believe that." With a sigh, she backed away from him and turned to Spike. To both men's surprise, she also took Spike's face in her hands, and kissed him as well. Spike was not as shy about responding as Angel had been, although he didn't get carried away enough to enrage Angel. "Spike. You were right. I meant it two years ago when I said I loved you. And maybe you're still right when you say that I still do. But I can't tell, and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. You left, without a word, without anything. I moved on, you had to know that I would. I'm sorry. But you're too late; Angel and I have made a life together. That's not something that I can throw away."
She looked at both of them again. They looked shell shocked, blank and staring. "And now, if you'll both excuse me, I think I'm going to spend the night at Xander's. Try not to kill each other while I'm gone."
Without another word, she turned her back on them and began walking away.
"Explain it to me one more time," said Xander, laughing. "I don't think I quite understand yet."
Buffy glared at Xander from across the distance of his kitchen table. "C'mon, Xander, quit playing around. I've told you what's up like three times now! You know, you're just playing with my head. Seriously, I came here because I need advice, and since you're in possession of the most stable love life around, you're it. Get with the advice giving."
Even with Buffy's best glare, the one she gave vamps right before she turned them to dust, it took Xander several minutes to stop laughing. Finally, he pulled himself together enough to say, "Buffy, what's the challenge here? Okay, on the one hand, you have Angel, a centuries old vamp that you've been in love since I've known you. You live with him, you're raising two not-quite-human little bundles of joy with him, and the only real problem that if you ever, um, really get physical with him, he turns into an insane killing machine. On the other hand, you have Spike, who, while you always said you loved him, has, let's face it, always been a insane killing machine, and there's nothing more he can give you beside some wicked raunchy sex that you've been missing since you rightfully broke up with him. Buff, it's obvious, you gotta go with Angel. He's the only dad Dawn's ever had. You're the only mom Conner has ever had. This goes pretty far beyond are you getting any. Angel's your blood-sucking creature of the night life-mate."
"It doesn't have to be that simplistic," objected Anya, coming in from the other room and plopping heavily down into one of the remaining kitchen chairs. The pregnancy made her look wonderful, all glowing and happy, but she said it just made her feel exhausted. Xander and Buffy turned to stare at the ex-demon, long past being surprised that at the things she said. "Really, you humans. So narrow minded. Why can't you have both? Stop looking at me like that. Angel loves you. Spike loves you. You love them. And it isn't like those two haven't shared a woman in the past."
Wow, thought Buffy in admiration, that was a train of thought you just had to admire. Not to mention to visuals it inspired...