Bobby Cox and Terry Pendleton sat next to each other, heads leaning in.
"How's Andruw coming?" Bobby muttered.
Terry sucked in his breath. "I think he might be having problems at home," he said, "because boy does he suck right now!"
Andruw, sitting at the far end of the bench, tried not to listen. Fortunately, he had his mind on other things--Javy was talking to Rafael Furcal by the Gatorade cooler. Currently, Javy and his daughter Madison were the only things keeping him sane. His average was down to .169 while he was on pace for a 100-plus strikeout season. Suddenly, the crowd began to cheer and Javy sprinted out to the field along with Rafael and all the other starters. Not Andruw. For the first time in his career, he was being benched.
"Hey, Andruw!" Greg called cheerfully, sitting down next to him. "You have a daughter, right?"
"Yeah," Andruw replied dully, wishing Greg would disappear or magically turn into Javy.
"Maybe you can help me with mine, then."
"I thought you only had one daughter, Amanda."
"Nope. I had an affair with a woman in Illinois named Susan. We had two daughters, Morgan and Brooke, but they thought their dad was Susie's husband. They won't accept me!" Greg declared sadly.
"I can see why," Andruw grumbled to himself.
"Hey!" Greg exclaimed, insulted. "I thought you were going to help me! Besides, you and Chipper have had affairs. Aren't you experts?"
"I only had one affair!" Chipper shouted in self-defense as the Braves defense jogged off the field.
"Oops!" chuckled Greg. " 'Mi bad."
Everyone in the dugout groaned and looked away except for Henry Blanco, who laughed. "Greg, you crack me up," Henry announced.
"Good thing I'm not an egg," Greg observed in his goofy voice, which made Henry burst into more laughter.
"If you were, we could fry you on the sidewalk," added an always hungry Kevin Millwood.
Andruw sank his face into his hands and didn't look up until a friendly tap on the shoulder broke him out of his depression. Vinny, who was also in a prolonged slump, said, "Cheer up, Andruw. It's not healthy to obsess over one person for too long."
"It's bad enough being on the bench," Andruw confessed in shame, "but when I have to put up with Javy and his stupid wife--" He broke off and stared at Javy's retreating butt as the Braves returned to the field.
"I know what you mean about being on the bench," Gary complained, sitting on Andruw's other side. From behind his back, he produced a bass guitar and broke out into song:
(Gary:) As they pulled you off of the pitchers mound You asked for the lime gatorade
(With Vinny:) With your runners on and your inch thick blister Just like a minor leaguer you was, Keith Lockhart slump you're in
Slouching in the dugout with your face in your hands, I'm sure you're not a pitcher
For it's plain to see
Diamond Dogs are bench warmers And they chow sunflower seeds Hunt you to the shower they will, Minor leaguers that never play
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) They keep their fingers crossed
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Oh, Franco, pinch hit for me
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Well, he's struckout and gone
(Together:) Come out of the dugout, Blanco You'll keep your slump on the bench Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs
(Gary:) In the year of the Phillies Season of the Mets Piazza on the basepads Hurry to the bullpen Just another future ace Lonely little Smoltz There's gonna be losses Try and win one for tomorrow
(Vinny:) The October team has a real good bat, And they pitch so well in no hitter style The fastball broke So Lockhart's down on strikes Onto the bench below Oh Keithy, go man, go
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) They keep their fingers crossed
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Oh, Franco, pinch hit for me
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Well, he's struckout and gone
(Together:) Come out of the dugout, Blanco You'll keep your slump on the bench Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs
(Vinny pulls out a battery-powered keyboard and performs "the solo")
Andruw grinned after the song was over. "Thanks, guys. I needed that."
Terry sucked in his breath. "I think he might be having problems at home," he said, "because boy does he suck right now!"
Andruw, sitting at the far end of the bench, tried not to listen. Fortunately, he had his mind on other things--Javy was talking to Rafael Furcal by the Gatorade cooler. Currently, Javy and his daughter Madison were the only things keeping him sane. His average was down to .169 while he was on pace for a 100-plus strikeout season. Suddenly, the crowd began to cheer and Javy sprinted out to the field along with Rafael and all the other starters. Not Andruw. For the first time in his career, he was being benched.
"Hey, Andruw!" Greg called cheerfully, sitting down next to him. "You have a daughter, right?"
"Yeah," Andruw replied dully, wishing Greg would disappear or magically turn into Javy.
"Maybe you can help me with mine, then."
"I thought you only had one daughter, Amanda."
"Nope. I had an affair with a woman in Illinois named Susan. We had two daughters, Morgan and Brooke, but they thought their dad was Susie's husband. They won't accept me!" Greg declared sadly.
"I can see why," Andruw grumbled to himself.
"Hey!" Greg exclaimed, insulted. "I thought you were going to help me! Besides, you and Chipper have had affairs. Aren't you experts?"
"I only had one affair!" Chipper shouted in self-defense as the Braves defense jogged off the field.
"Oops!" chuckled Greg. " 'Mi bad."
Everyone in the dugout groaned and looked away except for Henry Blanco, who laughed. "Greg, you crack me up," Henry announced.
"Good thing I'm not an egg," Greg observed in his goofy voice, which made Henry burst into more laughter.
"If you were, we could fry you on the sidewalk," added an always hungry Kevin Millwood.
Andruw sank his face into his hands and didn't look up until a friendly tap on the shoulder broke him out of his depression. Vinny, who was also in a prolonged slump, said, "Cheer up, Andruw. It's not healthy to obsess over one person for too long."
"It's bad enough being on the bench," Andruw confessed in shame, "but when I have to put up with Javy and his stupid wife--" He broke off and stared at Javy's retreating butt as the Braves returned to the field.
"I know what you mean about being on the bench," Gary complained, sitting on Andruw's other side. From behind his back, he produced a bass guitar and broke out into song:
(Gary:) As they pulled you off of the pitchers mound You asked for the lime gatorade
(With Vinny:) With your runners on and your inch thick blister Just like a minor leaguer you was, Keith Lockhart slump you're in
Slouching in the dugout with your face in your hands, I'm sure you're not a pitcher
For it's plain to see
Diamond Dogs are bench warmers And they chow sunflower seeds Hunt you to the shower they will, Minor leaguers that never play
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) They keep their fingers crossed
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Oh, Franco, pinch hit for me
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Well, he's struckout and gone
(Together:) Come out of the dugout, Blanco You'll keep your slump on the bench Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs
(Gary:) In the year of the Phillies Season of the Mets Piazza on the basepads Hurry to the bullpen Just another future ace Lonely little Smoltz There's gonna be losses Try and win one for tomorrow
(Vinny:) The October team has a real good bat, And they pitch so well in no hitter style The fastball broke So Lockhart's down on strikes Onto the bench below Oh Keithy, go man, go
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) They keep their fingers crossed
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Oh, Franco, pinch hit for me
(Vinny:) Will they play?
(Gary:) Well, he's struckout and gone
(Together:) Come out of the dugout, Blanco You'll keep your slump on the bench Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs Bench warmers, they call them the Diamond Dogs
(Vinny pulls out a battery-powered keyboard and performs "the solo")
Andruw grinned after the song was over. "Thanks, guys. I needed that."