One hot August day, Gladys Caray (the broadcaster's wife) sang the seventh-
inning stretch at Turner Field. It was the Cubs-Atlanta series, always a
special one for the broadcaster Skip Caray because his son Chip was the
announcer for the Cubs. At the bottom of the inning, Joe Simpson sat aside
while Skip and his wife hogged the microphone. "So, Gladys," Skip began in
his toady voice, "what's with the Braves hitters?"
"Well, Skip, no one but Chipper's been getting it done. They keep walking him and Sheff can't come through with a big hit," Gladys replied.
"That offseason trade of Odalis Perez and Brian Jordan for Sheff is looking pretty big now that Odalis is having so much success with the Dodgers," Skip rambled, much to the dismay of the listeners and viewers.
Just then, Andruw led off the inning with a single off of Cubs starter Jason Bere. "There's a base hit for Andruw," Gladys remarked.
"That's a big hit for Andruw. He's been struggling lately."
"Let's get some runs for Jason Marquis," added Gladys, cutting off her husband.
"Vinny Castilla, swinging at the first pitch, hits a ground ball up the middle, but Bobby Hill's got a beat on that. Four.....six......three. Double play. Two outs," Skip announced sadly.
"Here's Javy Lopez, batting .211 on the season. This has been a disappointing year for Javy," Gladys remarked.
"He's been struggling lately, hitting a lot of grounders and striking out," Skip butted in. "Braves fans were hoping for another season like 2000."
"And he strikes out again on three straight. Bere's on his way to win number three on the year. One hit, no runs, none left," Gladys blurted. "Braves trail three to two."
By the bottom of the ninth, the Cubs' lead had increased to three runs. "Five two your score," began Gladys, "and here's Julio Franco to pinch-hit for Hammond. Hammond worked one inning, two runs on four hits with one strikeout and no walks."
"Well, this is where you really wish you had a pinch-hitter like Craig Wilson of the Pirates, who led the league with eight pinch-hit homers last year--"
"Seven homers," corrected Joe Simpson, who hadn't been allowed to say anything since Gladys entered the booth.
"The Braves had two men on with no men out, and then we had Rafael Furcal sacrifice, then Marcus hit a sac fly. Too bad Chipper's single couldn't score anyone. This is where the Braves have been struggling. We need a big hit here from Franco," Skip said, taking a huge breath.
Gladys suddenly burst into song:
(Gladys:) The Braves are glad to die for RBIs
A hit in the gap may be quite continental
But homers are a hitter's best friend
A hit may be grand but it won't cancel the ks in your batting average
Or help you woo your "hot" catcher
Glavine grows old as batters get good
And we all lose our changeups in the end
But sinkers or high heat
These pitches don't lose their spin
Homers are a hitter's best friend
...Sammy Sosa!...Barry Bonds!...
Cause we are living in an offensive world
And Andruw is striking out a lot (whiff) Aw
Come and hit me, Andruw!
Bobby Cox! Leo Mazzone!
Talk to me, John Schuerholz, tell me all about it!
There may come a time when a rally needs a double
(Skip:) But homers are a hitter's best friend
(Gladys:) There may come a time when a forkball pitcher
Hits you in your ass
But get that base or else--the mace
He's your guy when counts are full
But beware when they start coming inside
Oooo....Homers are a hitter's best Homers are a hitter's best Homers are a hitter's best friend
Let's make runs! Yes! Oh, come home Yes! Oh! Tigers! He's gonna score! Safe!
(Skip:) Everything's going so well!
(Gladys:) Cause that's when those Phillies go back to their Phanatic!
Homers are a hitter's best friend!
"Franco's battling the count well," Skip observed. "And he fouls off another pitch. Still three and two."
Suddenly, the crowd groaned in unison as Franco swung and missed at ball four. "Flash Gordon earns his first save since coming back last week," Gladys spat.
* * * * *
On August 4, B.J. Surhoff threw a pizza party to celebrate his thirty- eighth birthday. Twenty-five team members came along with five coaches and eight other guests to make thirty-eight guests. "What did he do when he turned five?" muttered Andruw to Javy, who laughed.
Andruw and Javy, who were hanging out with Rafael, Vinny, and Gary, went over to the tables and served themselves slices of pizza from the thirty-eight different pizzas. "Is there a theme going on here?" Andruw joked.
Javy laughed, flashing his straight white teeth. "Could be," he replied sarcastically.
Andruw flirted with Javy like this all night long; all night long, Javy didn't get it. While Andruw was telling yet another joke, Javy's cell phone rang. "Hello?" he said as he tried to catch the punch line.
"Hi Muffin," cooed Analy. "You can stay as late as you want. My manicure took less time than I thought, so I'm getting the kids."
"Sounds great," Javy replied as Andruw shouted the punch line and everyone laughed loudly.
"Who was that I just heard?" she demanded.
"You mean Andruw?" Javy replied stupidly.
"I told you to stay away from him!" she hissed angrily.
"Analy, we're friends," he informed her, irritated. "I can't just stop talking to him because he had a short crush on me. Haven't you ever had a crush on a friend that you really looked up to?"
"No," retorted Analy, "and you can too stop talking to him! I told you once and I'll tell you again--stay away from him! Crushes last for a long time! Stop encouraging him!"
"You can't avoid your teammate," Javy muttered, trying to prevent the nosy Rafael from eavesdropping.
"Is that Analy?" Andruw asked, putting down his beer. "Let me talk to her."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," began Javy.
Andruw slipped the phone from Javy's hand, making sure to touch it frequently. "Hey Analy! Wassup?" he shouted.
"I was fine," she snapped.
"Hey Javy, don't be drinking my beer now!" Andruw joked, hand over the phone.
"Javy's drinking?" Analy demanded.
"Naw, I'm just joshin' with ya," Andruw chuckled.
"Quit acting like a hillbilly," Analy ordered.
"Hey everyone!" shouted Chipper. "It's time for B.J.'s present!"
"Stay on the line, Analy! You gotta hear the present! I helped pick it out!" Andruw told her, slightly tipsy, and walked towards the gift.
A huge cake sat in the center of the dining room and, predictably, a stripper jumped out and sang "Happy Birthday." B.J. grinned widely and began dancing with the bikini-clad girl to the next song--"Baby Got Back."
"Was that a stripper I heard?" Analy yelled, her voice coming from the cellphone forgotten on the table.
"I gotta go," Andruw shouted.
"Don't hang up! I gotta talk to Ja--" Analy's indignant cries were cut short by Andruw hanging up. "I'm gonna kill him!" she hissed to herself.
Meanwhile, Andruw suggested to Javy, "Let's go outside and get some fresh air."
"Good idea," said Javy, wiping sweat from his face.
B.J. had reserved an expensive hotel for this party, so everyone felt free to drop food and be obnoxious. Javy and Andruw stood on the exquisite balcony overlooking a pool that looked like the ocean. "Having a good time?" Andruw asked sweetly.
"Yeah, this is great!" Javy replied enthusiastically, not catching on to the true meaning.
Andruw smiled and, inspired by the street musicians, began to sing:
(Andruw:) Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never had a boner before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my bat, can you hear it whiffs
Telling me to swing at everything
Seasons may change, off-season to playoffs
But I love you until your contract ends
Come who may, Come who may, I will love you, until my dying day
As Andruw began to sing, Javy slapped his own forehead. "Analy was right," he thought, upset. "She told me I wouldn't get anywhere being nice, so here comes heartbreak for Andruw. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind." He sang:
(Javy:) Suddenly the world seems such a living hell
Suddenly it moves with such a stupid swing
Suddenly my life doesn't seem so well
It all revolves around avoiding you
And there's no boner so high
No penis that wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by Analy's side
Storm clouds may gather
And rain delays may come out
But I love Analy
(Andruw:) But I love you
(Javy:) Until the end of time
(Javy:) Come what may, I'm not gay, I will hate you, until I turn that way
(Together:) Oh, come who may, come who may
(Andruw:) I will love you
(Javy:) I will hate you
Suddenly the world seems such a living hell
(Javy:) Come what may, I'm not gay, I will hate you, until I turn that way
Andruw stood still in shock after hearing those last lines. "You hate me?" he inquired softly.
"I can't be gay," Javy replied somberly. "I want you to realize that and move on."
Andruw closed his eyes for a second, then stormed off of the balcony. His entire night was ruined, and he left for home immediately.
Javy watched him leave, then picked up his cellphone. "Analy? I'm coming home."
"What's wrong, Muffin?" Analy demanded sympathetically.
"Andruw--"
"Come home right now," Analy whispered. "Come home and we'll talk."
"Well, Skip, no one but Chipper's been getting it done. They keep walking him and Sheff can't come through with a big hit," Gladys replied.
"That offseason trade of Odalis Perez and Brian Jordan for Sheff is looking pretty big now that Odalis is having so much success with the Dodgers," Skip rambled, much to the dismay of the listeners and viewers.
Just then, Andruw led off the inning with a single off of Cubs starter Jason Bere. "There's a base hit for Andruw," Gladys remarked.
"That's a big hit for Andruw. He's been struggling lately."
"Let's get some runs for Jason Marquis," added Gladys, cutting off her husband.
"Vinny Castilla, swinging at the first pitch, hits a ground ball up the middle, but Bobby Hill's got a beat on that. Four.....six......three. Double play. Two outs," Skip announced sadly.
"Here's Javy Lopez, batting .211 on the season. This has been a disappointing year for Javy," Gladys remarked.
"He's been struggling lately, hitting a lot of grounders and striking out," Skip butted in. "Braves fans were hoping for another season like 2000."
"And he strikes out again on three straight. Bere's on his way to win number three on the year. One hit, no runs, none left," Gladys blurted. "Braves trail three to two."
By the bottom of the ninth, the Cubs' lead had increased to three runs. "Five two your score," began Gladys, "and here's Julio Franco to pinch-hit for Hammond. Hammond worked one inning, two runs on four hits with one strikeout and no walks."
"Well, this is where you really wish you had a pinch-hitter like Craig Wilson of the Pirates, who led the league with eight pinch-hit homers last year--"
"Seven homers," corrected Joe Simpson, who hadn't been allowed to say anything since Gladys entered the booth.
"The Braves had two men on with no men out, and then we had Rafael Furcal sacrifice, then Marcus hit a sac fly. Too bad Chipper's single couldn't score anyone. This is where the Braves have been struggling. We need a big hit here from Franco," Skip said, taking a huge breath.
Gladys suddenly burst into song:
(Gladys:) The Braves are glad to die for RBIs
A hit in the gap may be quite continental
But homers are a hitter's best friend
A hit may be grand but it won't cancel the ks in your batting average
Or help you woo your "hot" catcher
Glavine grows old as batters get good
And we all lose our changeups in the end
But sinkers or high heat
These pitches don't lose their spin
Homers are a hitter's best friend
...Sammy Sosa!...Barry Bonds!...
Cause we are living in an offensive world
And Andruw is striking out a lot (whiff) Aw
Come and hit me, Andruw!
Bobby Cox! Leo Mazzone!
Talk to me, John Schuerholz, tell me all about it!
There may come a time when a rally needs a double
(Skip:) But homers are a hitter's best friend
(Gladys:) There may come a time when a forkball pitcher
Hits you in your ass
But get that base or else--the mace
He's your guy when counts are full
But beware when they start coming inside
Oooo....Homers are a hitter's best Homers are a hitter's best Homers are a hitter's best friend
Let's make runs! Yes! Oh, come home Yes! Oh! Tigers! He's gonna score! Safe!
(Skip:) Everything's going so well!
(Gladys:) Cause that's when those Phillies go back to their Phanatic!
Homers are a hitter's best friend!
"Franco's battling the count well," Skip observed. "And he fouls off another pitch. Still three and two."
Suddenly, the crowd groaned in unison as Franco swung and missed at ball four. "Flash Gordon earns his first save since coming back last week," Gladys spat.
* * * * *
On August 4, B.J. Surhoff threw a pizza party to celebrate his thirty- eighth birthday. Twenty-five team members came along with five coaches and eight other guests to make thirty-eight guests. "What did he do when he turned five?" muttered Andruw to Javy, who laughed.
Andruw and Javy, who were hanging out with Rafael, Vinny, and Gary, went over to the tables and served themselves slices of pizza from the thirty-eight different pizzas. "Is there a theme going on here?" Andruw joked.
Javy laughed, flashing his straight white teeth. "Could be," he replied sarcastically.
Andruw flirted with Javy like this all night long; all night long, Javy didn't get it. While Andruw was telling yet another joke, Javy's cell phone rang. "Hello?" he said as he tried to catch the punch line.
"Hi Muffin," cooed Analy. "You can stay as late as you want. My manicure took less time than I thought, so I'm getting the kids."
"Sounds great," Javy replied as Andruw shouted the punch line and everyone laughed loudly.
"Who was that I just heard?" she demanded.
"You mean Andruw?" Javy replied stupidly.
"I told you to stay away from him!" she hissed angrily.
"Analy, we're friends," he informed her, irritated. "I can't just stop talking to him because he had a short crush on me. Haven't you ever had a crush on a friend that you really looked up to?"
"No," retorted Analy, "and you can too stop talking to him! I told you once and I'll tell you again--stay away from him! Crushes last for a long time! Stop encouraging him!"
"You can't avoid your teammate," Javy muttered, trying to prevent the nosy Rafael from eavesdropping.
"Is that Analy?" Andruw asked, putting down his beer. "Let me talk to her."
"I don't know if that's a good idea," began Javy.
Andruw slipped the phone from Javy's hand, making sure to touch it frequently. "Hey Analy! Wassup?" he shouted.
"I was fine," she snapped.
"Hey Javy, don't be drinking my beer now!" Andruw joked, hand over the phone.
"Javy's drinking?" Analy demanded.
"Naw, I'm just joshin' with ya," Andruw chuckled.
"Quit acting like a hillbilly," Analy ordered.
"Hey everyone!" shouted Chipper. "It's time for B.J.'s present!"
"Stay on the line, Analy! You gotta hear the present! I helped pick it out!" Andruw told her, slightly tipsy, and walked towards the gift.
A huge cake sat in the center of the dining room and, predictably, a stripper jumped out and sang "Happy Birthday." B.J. grinned widely and began dancing with the bikini-clad girl to the next song--"Baby Got Back."
"Was that a stripper I heard?" Analy yelled, her voice coming from the cellphone forgotten on the table.
"I gotta go," Andruw shouted.
"Don't hang up! I gotta talk to Ja--" Analy's indignant cries were cut short by Andruw hanging up. "I'm gonna kill him!" she hissed to herself.
Meanwhile, Andruw suggested to Javy, "Let's go outside and get some fresh air."
"Good idea," said Javy, wiping sweat from his face.
B.J. had reserved an expensive hotel for this party, so everyone felt free to drop food and be obnoxious. Javy and Andruw stood on the exquisite balcony overlooking a pool that looked like the ocean. "Having a good time?" Andruw asked sweetly.
"Yeah, this is great!" Javy replied enthusiastically, not catching on to the true meaning.
Andruw smiled and, inspired by the street musicians, began to sing:
(Andruw:) Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never had a boner before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I'm loving you more and more
Listen to my bat, can you hear it whiffs
Telling me to swing at everything
Seasons may change, off-season to playoffs
But I love you until your contract ends
Come who may, Come who may, I will love you, until my dying day
As Andruw began to sing, Javy slapped his own forehead. "Analy was right," he thought, upset. "She told me I wouldn't get anywhere being nice, so here comes heartbreak for Andruw. Sometimes you gotta be cruel to be kind." He sang:
(Javy:) Suddenly the world seems such a living hell
Suddenly it moves with such a stupid swing
Suddenly my life doesn't seem so well
It all revolves around avoiding you
And there's no boner so high
No penis that wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by Analy's side
Storm clouds may gather
And rain delays may come out
But I love Analy
(Andruw:) But I love you
(Javy:) Until the end of time
(Javy:) Come what may, I'm not gay, I will hate you, until I turn that way
(Together:) Oh, come who may, come who may
(Andruw:) I will love you
(Javy:) I will hate you
Suddenly the world seems such a living hell
(Javy:) Come what may, I'm not gay, I will hate you, until I turn that way
Andruw stood still in shock after hearing those last lines. "You hate me?" he inquired softly.
"I can't be gay," Javy replied somberly. "I want you to realize that and move on."
Andruw closed his eyes for a second, then stormed off of the balcony. His entire night was ruined, and he left for home immediately.
Javy watched him leave, then picked up his cellphone. "Analy? I'm coming home."
"What's wrong, Muffin?" Analy demanded sympathetically.
"Andruw--"
"Come home right now," Analy whispered. "Come home and we'll talk."