"I think I know how to get him back," Andruw whispered to Vinny as they
watched Javy bat while Gary stood at second base.
"Really?" Vinny asked excitedly. "How?"
"Well, I've been working to convince him that I'm over him," Andruw began, "and I've heard rumors about the marriage again."
"Again?" interrupted Greg. "Yes! I hate that man," he muttered. "Susie and I are going great."
"Greg?" Tom said.
"What?"
"Nobody cares."
"I care!"
"You're in the minority," Tom informed him.
"You're just jealous," accused Greg.
"I actually have a real wife at least."
"Oh shut up!" Greg exclaimed, embarrassed, walking away to sit on the other side of the bench, next to the Diamond Dogs.
"Anyway," Andruw continued after giving Greg a strange look, "we're taking extra batting practice tonight and to make him feel really secure, I'm going to tell him about my new boyfriend."
"Oh, a 'new boyfriend,' " Vinny replied, nodding encouragingly.
"Then after his marriage breaks up, I'll be there for him and soon, he'll be there for me," Andruw finished hopefully.
"Good luck, slugger," Vinny laughed.
Smoltz saved the game with minimal problems and Andruw headed out to the cages with Javy. Bobby and Leo, having nothing else to do, hung around the field near the third base line. Leo wore the angry baseball mask that Bobby gave him for his birthday while Bobby played "Happy Birthday To You" on his fiddle.
Meanwhile, Analy panicked as she waited a half hour after the game for Javy to return home. She had forgotten that Javy was staying after for extra batting practice. "Where is he?" she wondered frantically, suddenly remembering that her defenseless husband was near the sinister Andruw. Grabbing the car keys, she called the former babysitter Matt and bribed him with extra money to watch the girls on short notice. The girls were extraordinarily pleased because Matt brought along some PG-13 movies for their amusement.
Andruw and Javy turned on the stereo but left it down low as they chatted. "So how's the marriage?" Andruw asked sympathetically.
"Fine," Javy replied guardedly.
"Javy, don't worry," Andruw insisted. "I told you, it's over. Besides, I met someone a few weeks ago."
"Oh really?" Javy demanded happily. "What's his name?"
"Alex," lied Andruw. "We met at a pool party. He's a big swimmer, very athletic."
Javy's grin was enormous. "Well, that's great!" he exclaimed. "I'm really happy for you. I'd like to meet him sometime."
Quickly, Andruw blurted, "Oh, he's a big Mets fan. I don't think--"
Laughing, Javy gave Andruw a playful shove. "Come on, Andruw! I can keep my job and personal life separate. I won't try and convert him to a Braves fan."
While he talked, Analy marched through the dugout and into the batting cages. "What's going on?" she bellowed, seeing Javy's hand on Andruw's arm.
Bobby began to play a simple melody on his fiddle as he observed the tensions mount. Leo patiently waited for an appropriate entrance, then began to belt:
Will hit you!
Will hit you!
Will hit you!
OUT!
TORRES!
You don't have to put on those tight pants
Run the bases for money
You don't care if Andruw's wrong or if he is right
TORRES!
You don't have to wear that mask tonight
TORRES!
You don't have to leave the Braves from fright
(Analy, standing between Andruw and Javy:) His eyes upon your ass
His hand upon your knee
His bats caress your ball
IT'S MORE THAN I CAN GRASP!
(Leo sings Torres in the background while Analy keeps singing:)
Analy:
Why does my spouse cry?
(Leo:) TORRES!
(Analy:) Harassment I can't fight!
You're free to leave him butt
Just don't encourage him!
And please believe me when I say
I'll shoot him!
(Silence.)
(Javy, rushing over to Analy and whispering:) Ma chere femme, je vous adorerai toujours. Souvenez Andruw, il est bete et qui ne veut rien. Je le deteste et j'espere qu'il meurt. Vous et moi, nous le tuerons. Et vous, mon amour, vous ete tres sexie. Avons des rapports sexuelles avec nous!
(Leo:) TORRES!
You don't have to put on those tight pants!
TORRES!
You don't have to wear that mask tonight
TORRES!
You don't have to put on those tight pants
TORRES!
You don't have to wear that mask tonight!
TORRES!
TORRES!
TORRES!
TORRES!
(At the same time, Analy sings:) Why does my spouse cry?
Harassment I can't fight!
TORRES!
TORRES!
I love you! I love you!
I love you! I love you!
When the song was over, Andruw stood frozen in shock, then spun around and left Javy Lopez for good. His daughter Madison greeted him at the door of their apartment. "Hi Daddy," she said happily, hugging him. Then she backed off. "You smell," she blurted tactlessly.
Andruw blushed. "Well, some of the guys on the team don't let me shower because they don't like me," he explained, thinking of Javy with rage. "Why don't we watch some T.V.?" he suggested.
"ESPN!" shouted Madison, jumping on the couch.
Andruw took off his shoes and relaxed by watching the golf highlights. Then, his peaceful evening was disrupted by one of the announcers stating, "This just in--more trade rumors are circulating about catcher Javy Lopez of the Braves. While Javy is having a little bit of a down year, Braves officials declined to comment on if the rumors are true and why."
Andruw gritted his teeth and said, "I think I'll take a shower now."
Meanwhile, Analy and Javy were sitting in John Schuerholz's office and discussing the possibility of a trade. "Javy, you're one of the best offensive catchers," John argued. "Maybe not the best defensive catcher, but still--"
"You're not one of the best general managers!" interrupted a furious Analy. "Look at that shitty center fielder you drafted!"
"Hey lady, he wasn't drafted," John snapped.
"Who cares?" Analy cried, throwing up her hands. "But that brings me to our point. Right, Javy?"
Javy had been sitting in silence for the past few minutes. Now, he responded with a brusque, "Right."
"You're not going to let this control freak woman tell your story, are you?" demanded John. "Let me hear your reasons, Javy, and then we'll go from there."
Javy sighed. "Well, Andruw and I used to be friends. Then he developed this crush on me and I told him more than once I wasn't interested. Now, things are pretty weird."
John sighed. "Is it affecting your play and his play?" he asked.
"Just look at their stats!" Analy broke in, unable to contain herself any longer. "No wonder Javy has those passed balls and throwing errors! When the center fielder can't keep his eyes off you--"
"Sshh, Analy," murmured Javy.
"Let me see what teams are interested," John relented, leaving the room and making several phone calls. Once, he stuck his head out to ask, "Are there any teams you don't want to play for?"
"Any Eastern teams," Analy replied for Javy. "Even the A.L. ones. They're too close. Same for the Texas teams or Canadian teams. I hate Canada."
John refrained from observing that both Canadian teams were in the Eastern divisions of their respective leagues. "I'll be back in just a second." Analy paced the office like it was her own until John returned. "How do the Cubs sound? Todd Hundley just--"
"I don't care!" shouted Analy. "Make the goddamn trade and get this over with!"
John rubbed his temples and talked on the phone for another five minutes before emerging with a scowl. "You're unofficially a Chicago Cub now, Javy," he announced.
"Who'd we get in return?" Javy inquired.
"Who cares?" Analy retorted dismissively. "Let's pack and get the hell out of Atlanta. So long, Schuerholz."
"Really?" Vinny asked excitedly. "How?"
"Well, I've been working to convince him that I'm over him," Andruw began, "and I've heard rumors about the marriage again."
"Again?" interrupted Greg. "Yes! I hate that man," he muttered. "Susie and I are going great."
"Greg?" Tom said.
"What?"
"Nobody cares."
"I care!"
"You're in the minority," Tom informed him.
"You're just jealous," accused Greg.
"I actually have a real wife at least."
"Oh shut up!" Greg exclaimed, embarrassed, walking away to sit on the other side of the bench, next to the Diamond Dogs.
"Anyway," Andruw continued after giving Greg a strange look, "we're taking extra batting practice tonight and to make him feel really secure, I'm going to tell him about my new boyfriend."
"Oh, a 'new boyfriend,' " Vinny replied, nodding encouragingly.
"Then after his marriage breaks up, I'll be there for him and soon, he'll be there for me," Andruw finished hopefully.
"Good luck, slugger," Vinny laughed.
Smoltz saved the game with minimal problems and Andruw headed out to the cages with Javy. Bobby and Leo, having nothing else to do, hung around the field near the third base line. Leo wore the angry baseball mask that Bobby gave him for his birthday while Bobby played "Happy Birthday To You" on his fiddle.
Meanwhile, Analy panicked as she waited a half hour after the game for Javy to return home. She had forgotten that Javy was staying after for extra batting practice. "Where is he?" she wondered frantically, suddenly remembering that her defenseless husband was near the sinister Andruw. Grabbing the car keys, she called the former babysitter Matt and bribed him with extra money to watch the girls on short notice. The girls were extraordinarily pleased because Matt brought along some PG-13 movies for their amusement.
Andruw and Javy turned on the stereo but left it down low as they chatted. "So how's the marriage?" Andruw asked sympathetically.
"Fine," Javy replied guardedly.
"Javy, don't worry," Andruw insisted. "I told you, it's over. Besides, I met someone a few weeks ago."
"Oh really?" Javy demanded happily. "What's his name?"
"Alex," lied Andruw. "We met at a pool party. He's a big swimmer, very athletic."
Javy's grin was enormous. "Well, that's great!" he exclaimed. "I'm really happy for you. I'd like to meet him sometime."
Quickly, Andruw blurted, "Oh, he's a big Mets fan. I don't think--"
Laughing, Javy gave Andruw a playful shove. "Come on, Andruw! I can keep my job and personal life separate. I won't try and convert him to a Braves fan."
While he talked, Analy marched through the dugout and into the batting cages. "What's going on?" she bellowed, seeing Javy's hand on Andruw's arm.
Bobby began to play a simple melody on his fiddle as he observed the tensions mount. Leo patiently waited for an appropriate entrance, then began to belt:
Will hit you!
Will hit you!
Will hit you!
OUT!
TORRES!
You don't have to put on those tight pants
Run the bases for money
You don't care if Andruw's wrong or if he is right
TORRES!
You don't have to wear that mask tonight
TORRES!
You don't have to leave the Braves from fright
(Analy, standing between Andruw and Javy:) His eyes upon your ass
His hand upon your knee
His bats caress your ball
IT'S MORE THAN I CAN GRASP!
(Leo sings Torres in the background while Analy keeps singing:)
Analy:
Why does my spouse cry?
(Leo:) TORRES!
(Analy:) Harassment I can't fight!
You're free to leave him butt
Just don't encourage him!
And please believe me when I say
I'll shoot him!
(Silence.)
(Javy, rushing over to Analy and whispering:) Ma chere femme, je vous adorerai toujours. Souvenez Andruw, il est bete et qui ne veut rien. Je le deteste et j'espere qu'il meurt. Vous et moi, nous le tuerons. Et vous, mon amour, vous ete tres sexie. Avons des rapports sexuelles avec nous!
(Leo:) TORRES!
You don't have to put on those tight pants!
TORRES!
You don't have to wear that mask tonight
TORRES!
You don't have to put on those tight pants
TORRES!
You don't have to wear that mask tonight!
TORRES!
TORRES!
TORRES!
TORRES!
(At the same time, Analy sings:) Why does my spouse cry?
Harassment I can't fight!
TORRES!
TORRES!
I love you! I love you!
I love you! I love you!
When the song was over, Andruw stood frozen in shock, then spun around and left Javy Lopez for good. His daughter Madison greeted him at the door of their apartment. "Hi Daddy," she said happily, hugging him. Then she backed off. "You smell," she blurted tactlessly.
Andruw blushed. "Well, some of the guys on the team don't let me shower because they don't like me," he explained, thinking of Javy with rage. "Why don't we watch some T.V.?" he suggested.
"ESPN!" shouted Madison, jumping on the couch.
Andruw took off his shoes and relaxed by watching the golf highlights. Then, his peaceful evening was disrupted by one of the announcers stating, "This just in--more trade rumors are circulating about catcher Javy Lopez of the Braves. While Javy is having a little bit of a down year, Braves officials declined to comment on if the rumors are true and why."
Andruw gritted his teeth and said, "I think I'll take a shower now."
Meanwhile, Analy and Javy were sitting in John Schuerholz's office and discussing the possibility of a trade. "Javy, you're one of the best offensive catchers," John argued. "Maybe not the best defensive catcher, but still--"
"You're not one of the best general managers!" interrupted a furious Analy. "Look at that shitty center fielder you drafted!"
"Hey lady, he wasn't drafted," John snapped.
"Who cares?" Analy cried, throwing up her hands. "But that brings me to our point. Right, Javy?"
Javy had been sitting in silence for the past few minutes. Now, he responded with a brusque, "Right."
"You're not going to let this control freak woman tell your story, are you?" demanded John. "Let me hear your reasons, Javy, and then we'll go from there."
Javy sighed. "Well, Andruw and I used to be friends. Then he developed this crush on me and I told him more than once I wasn't interested. Now, things are pretty weird."
John sighed. "Is it affecting your play and his play?" he asked.
"Just look at their stats!" Analy broke in, unable to contain herself any longer. "No wonder Javy has those passed balls and throwing errors! When the center fielder can't keep his eyes off you--"
"Sshh, Analy," murmured Javy.
"Let me see what teams are interested," John relented, leaving the room and making several phone calls. Once, he stuck his head out to ask, "Are there any teams you don't want to play for?"
"Any Eastern teams," Analy replied for Javy. "Even the A.L. ones. They're too close. Same for the Texas teams or Canadian teams. I hate Canada."
John refrained from observing that both Canadian teams were in the Eastern divisions of their respective leagues. "I'll be back in just a second." Analy paced the office like it was her own until John returned. "How do the Cubs sound? Todd Hundley just--"
"I don't care!" shouted Analy. "Make the goddamn trade and get this over with!"
John rubbed his temples and talked on the phone for another five minutes before emerging with a scowl. "You're unofficially a Chicago Cub now, Javy," he announced.
"Who'd we get in return?" Javy inquired.
"Who cares?" Analy retorted dismissively. "Let's pack and get the hell out of Atlanta. So long, Schuerholz."