Rei clutched the glasses to her chest.
It was an instinctive movement, and yet it was different this time. Before, all the memories of him were peaceful. Nice, even. However, they were dark this time. Images of a harsh father abandoning his son. Images of a father using his son for NERV. Images of that very father, treating her far better than he treated the son.
She tried to shake away the images; but they stayed. She tried to drop the glasses; but a part of her would never let go. She tried to think of Shinji, yet only a tear fell.
The glasses shattered.
Shards of glass dug into her skin, drawing blood.
Ah, the pain! The only thing that kept her going. The very pain that made humans human, that pain of loss, found a special place with her. She had never lost anything of importance. Once, maybe- the loss of Shinji as he drew farther from her…
The pain brought her back to reality. The fog clearing from her mind, she watched as the blood slowly dripped from her mangled hand. She walked steadily towards the sink, before washing the wounds.
Washing the wounds. Shinji did that for me, once.
Memories assaulted her yet again. She recalled the time where she scalded herself, and Shinji helped her to that very sink, washing her hand the same way she was doing it now…
Again, the pain brought her back.
Strangely, the pain was unwelcome this time. In the past, it was a part of reality. It was what made the world seem so real. It was the cold, hard truth.
Strangely, she felt herself longing for the warmth again.
If you feel pain, then run from it.
Why must I even feel pain?
It is part of life. Take care of yourself.
Why must I feel the pain? Why must others cause me pain?
They do not accept you, because you do not accept yourself.
But I do not need them.
Yet, you need them.
… I wish to be.
You are. But you will not let yourself be. You will not let the world warm around yourself. You will not let others warm your heart, when that is what you desire. You will not change, for fear of change itself.
I do not fear change.
You fear the pain.
It is essential. A fear of pain is required for survival.
You fear the life that pain brings.
Why must pain be part of life?
It is death.
Why is pain death?
Is the warmth not life?
I do not need the warmth.
Do you fear it?
I am not human. I do not need Shinji.
Have you tasted it? Do you fear what you cannot see?
No… I do not long for warmth.
Do you fear what you do not understand?
But… I…
Do you fear what you are not used to?
I…
Then you are human.
… Am I?
Only you know the answer.
Do I?
You do. You fear the answer; you fear what it will bring. You fear that you will be as weak as other humans are. You fear the shattering of what you believed in. You fear the light, for it brings with it the fear of the new day. You fear your own humanity, because you are human.
Rei knew it was right. The shame of being human, of being weak, of being everything she was not supposed to be was killing her.
She stumbled into her bed, weakened by the loss of blood.
For once, she shed angry tears of pain.
It was an instinctive movement, and yet it was different this time. Before, all the memories of him were peaceful. Nice, even. However, they were dark this time. Images of a harsh father abandoning his son. Images of a father using his son for NERV. Images of that very father, treating her far better than he treated the son.
She tried to shake away the images; but they stayed. She tried to drop the glasses; but a part of her would never let go. She tried to think of Shinji, yet only a tear fell.
The glasses shattered.
Shards of glass dug into her skin, drawing blood.
Ah, the pain! The only thing that kept her going. The very pain that made humans human, that pain of loss, found a special place with her. She had never lost anything of importance. Once, maybe- the loss of Shinji as he drew farther from her…
The pain brought her back to reality. The fog clearing from her mind, she watched as the blood slowly dripped from her mangled hand. She walked steadily towards the sink, before washing the wounds.
Washing the wounds. Shinji did that for me, once.
Memories assaulted her yet again. She recalled the time where she scalded herself, and Shinji helped her to that very sink, washing her hand the same way she was doing it now…
Again, the pain brought her back.
Strangely, the pain was unwelcome this time. In the past, it was a part of reality. It was what made the world seem so real. It was the cold, hard truth.
Strangely, she felt herself longing for the warmth again.
If you feel pain, then run from it.
Why must I even feel pain?
It is part of life. Take care of yourself.
Why must I feel the pain? Why must others cause me pain?
They do not accept you, because you do not accept yourself.
But I do not need them.
Yet, you need them.
… I wish to be.
You are. But you will not let yourself be. You will not let the world warm around yourself. You will not let others warm your heart, when that is what you desire. You will not change, for fear of change itself.
I do not fear change.
You fear the pain.
It is essential. A fear of pain is required for survival.
You fear the life that pain brings.
Why must pain be part of life?
It is death.
Why is pain death?
Is the warmth not life?
I do not need the warmth.
Do you fear it?
I am not human. I do not need Shinji.
Have you tasted it? Do you fear what you cannot see?
No… I do not long for warmth.
Do you fear what you do not understand?
But… I…
Do you fear what you are not used to?
I…
Then you are human.
… Am I?
Only you know the answer.
Do I?
You do. You fear the answer; you fear what it will bring. You fear that you will be as weak as other humans are. You fear the shattering of what you believed in. You fear the light, for it brings with it the fear of the new day. You fear your own humanity, because you are human.
Rei knew it was right. The shame of being human, of being weak, of being everything she was not supposed to be was killing her.
She stumbled into her bed, weakened by the loss of blood.
For once, she shed angry tears of pain.