"Katsuragi-san?"
"Yes, Rei?"
"I… won't be going to school today."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, it's nothing serious."
"Okay, you have a good rest. I'll get Shinji to check in on you after school."
[click]
"Katsuragi-san~"
Rei dropped the phone, wincing from the pain. Shinji would be coming in the afternoon... and she had absolutely no idea how to react to him. She was afraid of the compassion that he would show, and of the feeling she knew that would invoke in her. She laid back on her bed and returned to the world of her mind, afraid of the answers, yet curious for them.
-~-~-
Why can't he just leave me alone? My life would be much simpler without him...
It would not be a life, then. It would be an existence.
But I have a purpose. I pilot EVA 00 to protect Earth.
Is that your meaning in life?
Yes…
Yet you doubt yourself.
But I can exist without him. Piloting the EVA against the Angels-
Does that fulfill your hopes? Is piloting the EVA all that you have dreamed for? Is it the only thing in life that you live for?
Is something more human than yourself an accurate judge of your humanity?
No, Rei. You need someone as human as yourself.
I am not as human as Shinji… I am part Angel.
And Angels are part human. And humans are part Angel.
…But he is completely human!
Your blood has nothing to do with your humanity. It is judged by your actions, by your thoughts, by your feelings.
I would even go so far as to say that the EVAs are more human than some humans. They do not hide their feelings from others. Just like when Shinji merged with EVA 01. That was but a small example of NERV's actual plans. Your soul-
I have a soul?
All humans have a soul, but not before they question whether they have one.
… Please continue.
The soul in EVA 01, which is partly your soul, cannot hide its feelings from Shinji. When the one of Might attacked him, she lost control of her thoughts, as did he. Their A.T fields dissolved, merging them into one through the LCL, which acted as a electric "bridge" between them, allowing thoughts to flow between the EVA and the plug. The "thought barrier" was destroyed.
How does that relate to me?
Everyone's goal in life is to search for their goal in life; you need him to find yours.
But how can he help me?
He is the one who knows your soul best. YOu are closer to him than anyone else. Like him, you see yourself as an amalgation of parts of others; now, you have to piece your soul together from the shards.
The only time I have seen myself as a part of someone is when Commander Ikari was still alive. He was the one that gave me life.
That is only true if you were his daughter.
He did not give you life, because you were in existence before you were alive, Rei.
Then, who gave me life?
You did, Rei. Rei? Rei?
Rei woke up to the sound of someone knocking softly at the door.
Shinji…
"Rei? Are you at home?
"Come in."
The weary young man entered, the look of concern on his face hurting her deeper than any Angel attack.
"Are you okay, Rei? Misato asked me to check on you after school."
"I'm fine… thank you."
She struggled to sit up. After all, he was a guest. Unexpectedly, he ran to her side and helped her to sit up.
He… cares about me… but is it because I am partly his mother?
"It's okay, Rei. I brought my own tea."
He gave a small smile, one that made the corners of her own mouth twitch upwards.
For a while, peace filled the room. It lasted until Shinji noticed the bandages around Rei's hands.
"Rei, how's your hands?"
Tension.
"I'm alright, okay?"
"You don't look so to me."
Fear. Wrath.
"Rei?"
"I SAID I'M OKAY! I DON'T NEED YOUR CONCERN! I DON'T NEED YOU! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!"
Nobody, not even Shinji himself, was prepared for what he did next.
He hugged the distraught girl, trying to calm her down. He could hear her screaming at him, feel her fists pounding against his chest… and then, a soft dampness against his skin. The screams finally subsided, and Rei sobbed in his warm embrace, hating her enjoyment of it. A thousand repressed emotions ran through her, mercilessly raping her soul. The hatred of humanity, the love of Shinji, the knowledge that she was partly his mother, the fear of leaving the world she had known, the calm that he brought to her…
"Shinji… please don't leave me…"
"It's okay now, Rei… it's okay now."
By the time she fell asleep, still in his arms, only one thought was left.
I… guess, I can let myself be loved…
"Yes, Rei?"
"I… won't be going to school today."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, it's nothing serious."
"Okay, you have a good rest. I'll get Shinji to check in on you after school."
[click]
"Katsuragi-san~"
Rei dropped the phone, wincing from the pain. Shinji would be coming in the afternoon... and she had absolutely no idea how to react to him. She was afraid of the compassion that he would show, and of the feeling she knew that would invoke in her. She laid back on her bed and returned to the world of her mind, afraid of the answers, yet curious for them.
-~-~-
Why can't he just leave me alone? My life would be much simpler without him...
It would not be a life, then. It would be an existence.
But I have a purpose. I pilot EVA 00 to protect Earth.
Is that your meaning in life?
Yes…
Yet you doubt yourself.
But I can exist without him. Piloting the EVA against the Angels-
Does that fulfill your hopes? Is piloting the EVA all that you have dreamed for? Is it the only thing in life that you live for?
Is something more human than yourself an accurate judge of your humanity?
No, Rei. You need someone as human as yourself.
I am not as human as Shinji… I am part Angel.
And Angels are part human. And humans are part Angel.
…But he is completely human!
Your blood has nothing to do with your humanity. It is judged by your actions, by your thoughts, by your feelings.
I would even go so far as to say that the EVAs are more human than some humans. They do not hide their feelings from others. Just like when Shinji merged with EVA 01. That was but a small example of NERV's actual plans. Your soul-
I have a soul?
All humans have a soul, but not before they question whether they have one.
… Please continue.
The soul in EVA 01, which is partly your soul, cannot hide its feelings from Shinji. When the one of Might attacked him, she lost control of her thoughts, as did he. Their A.T fields dissolved, merging them into one through the LCL, which acted as a electric "bridge" between them, allowing thoughts to flow between the EVA and the plug. The "thought barrier" was destroyed.
How does that relate to me?
Everyone's goal in life is to search for their goal in life; you need him to find yours.
But how can he help me?
He is the one who knows your soul best. YOu are closer to him than anyone else. Like him, you see yourself as an amalgation of parts of others; now, you have to piece your soul together from the shards.
The only time I have seen myself as a part of someone is when Commander Ikari was still alive. He was the one that gave me life.
That is only true if you were his daughter.
He did not give you life, because you were in existence before you were alive, Rei.
Then, who gave me life?
You did, Rei. Rei? Rei?
Rei woke up to the sound of someone knocking softly at the door.
Shinji…
"Rei? Are you at home?
"Come in."
The weary young man entered, the look of concern on his face hurting her deeper than any Angel attack.
"Are you okay, Rei? Misato asked me to check on you after school."
"I'm fine… thank you."
She struggled to sit up. After all, he was a guest. Unexpectedly, he ran to her side and helped her to sit up.
He… cares about me… but is it because I am partly his mother?
"It's okay, Rei. I brought my own tea."
He gave a small smile, one that made the corners of her own mouth twitch upwards.
For a while, peace filled the room. It lasted until Shinji noticed the bandages around Rei's hands.
"Rei, how's your hands?"
Tension.
"I'm alright, okay?"
"You don't look so to me."
Fear. Wrath.
"Rei?"
"I SAID I'M OKAY! I DON'T NEED YOUR CONCERN! I DON'T NEED YOU! GO AWAY! GO AWAY!"
Nobody, not even Shinji himself, was prepared for what he did next.
He hugged the distraught girl, trying to calm her down. He could hear her screaming at him, feel her fists pounding against his chest… and then, a soft dampness against his skin. The screams finally subsided, and Rei sobbed in his warm embrace, hating her enjoyment of it. A thousand repressed emotions ran through her, mercilessly raping her soul. The hatred of humanity, the love of Shinji, the knowledge that she was partly his mother, the fear of leaving the world she had known, the calm that he brought to her…
"Shinji… please don't leave me…"
"It's okay now, Rei… it's okay now."
By the time she fell asleep, still in his arms, only one thought was left.
I… guess, I can let myself be loved…