Lilian, Sweet Lilian


Chapter One


I loved waking up in the morning. Maybe it was because I knew mornings were a chance to start over again, to start anew. Anything could happen. Maybe it was the way the early morning sun peeked at me through my white lace curtains, sending intricate designs dancing across my bed and walls. I wasn't sure, but there was something comforting about the morning.

I threw back my covers, shivering a little as the chilly morning air hit my bare arms and legs. The stiff nightgown Mamma had given me scratched lightly at my skin as I moved. The first thing that came to mind was Eugenia, my sister. I hopped from my bed and slipped into the hallway without making a sound.

"Lillian, what are you doing?" Emily's steely voice made me jump. She placed her hands on her bony hips and stared down at me. "Look at you, you foolish girl, running around in your nightclothes. Haven't you even the tiniest bit of modesty?"

I frowned. "I only wanted to see Eugenia, Emily," I said quietly.

"Don't you know that you are to dress before coming downstairs?" she snapped. "Go on." Emily turned sharply on her heels and started in the opposite direction. I waited a moment until I was sure she was gone, then continued on my way to Eugenia's room.

I eased the door open and peeked inside. Eugenia was sitting up in her gigantic poster bed, a large tray laden with oatmeal and a mug of hot, sweet tea. She twirled her spoon between her fingers. When she saw me standing in the doorway, her pallid face broke into a wide, bright smile.

"I thought that you'd forgotten about me," she said. "Come and sit, Lillian. It's lonely up here."

I was so glad to see Eugenia smile. When she smiled, her large blue eyes lit up, brightening her entire face. She eagerly patted an empty spot on her soft feather mattress. "Well, come closer, Lillian," she urged me in her soft little voice. "I've been waiting for you."

I crossed the room and climbed onto the bed beside my sister, careful not to upset her breakfast tray. Of course, I knew Eugenia wasn't really my sister. She was my cousin. That was common knowledge to everyone except for Eugenia. Mamma begged Emily and me to keep the truth from her. She believed that Eugenia wouldn't have been able to cope with the news that she and I weren't really sisters. I kept the secret for Eugenia's sake.

My own mother was dead, as was my father. The Booths were the only family I had ever known.

"Emily has been my only company today," she told me, lifting her coverlet. "It's chilly this morning. Get under the covers."

I smiled and obeyed. Eugenia busied herself for a moment, tucking the quilt in snugly around our bodies. "She only came in for a moment. Just long enough to bring me my breakfast."

"You haven't eaten anything, Eugenia," I said, noticing her food was untouched. "Mamma won't be happy."

Eugenia shrugged her thin little shoulders. "I know she won't, but I'm just not hungry this morning." Eugenia's face clouded over momentarily and she stifled a cough, then she was smiling again. "I bet you're glad to be getting back to school," she said. "I know how much you like it." Eugenia rested her head against my shoulder. Her unbrushed hair tumbled down her back in thick, honey-colored waves. For a moment, neither of us spoke. Eugenia was the one who broke our silence.

"I wish I could go," she said at length. "I wish I could be with you instead of here in this bedroom." Eugenia's voice had taken on a wistful air.

"I wish you could too, Eugenia. You and I would have a wonderful time."

There was a sharp knock at the door and Emily entered. Her eyes narrowed when she saw that I was in Eugenia's bed.

"What are you doing? Didn't I ask you to dress for school? Now you'll be late!" she screeched. I could feel Eugenia's hand find my own under the quilt. Her skin was cool against mine. Poor Eugenia, I knew Emily frightened her. Although I tried not to let on, Emily frightened me as well.

"I will not be late on account of you," she muttered, her voice low. "Get up, get out of that bed," she ordered before stomping off. Slowly, I crawled out from underneath the covers. Once I was out of bed, I leaned over to kiss Eugenia on the cheek.

"You will come back, won't you, Lillian?" she asked me, her eyes large and imploring.

"Of course I will," I promised her. "I'll come up here first thing and tell you everything that happened."

Eugenia seemed satisfied with my answer and settled back against her fluffy pillows. "I know you will," she said. "You would never forget about me, Lillian." She said this with nothing but affection in her voice. "But now the day will go by much slower, now that I'll be waiting for you."

"It won't be so bad if you don't think about it," I replied, smoothing her comforter. After making sure she was comfortable, I left her to rest.

My morning visits with Eugenia were always bittersweet. As much as I adored Eugenia, seeing her proved to be difficult for me. I knew that Eugenia was ill. She always had been. Mamma tried her best to be optimistic. "My, Eugenia is looking much better today, isn't she? Her color is much better today." I humored her, but made sure to remain realistic. Eugenia would never get better, she would only get worse.

I slipped back upstairs to dress for school before Emily had a chance to chastise me again. Once I was back in my bedroom, I shed my nightgown and paused for a moment in front of my mirror, my hands covering my budding breasts. Hesitantly, I removed them and took a good, long look. I stood with my shoulders back to make them appear more prominent than they truly were. It was then I decided I was being silly and vain. I could almost hear Emily's shrill voice. "Vanity is a sin, Lillian. Vanity is a sin."

I didn't take much care in choosing my dress for the day. Clothes didn't matter much to me, but Mamma made sure that I had lots of pretty things. Mamma loved pretty things. She had elaborate dressing gowns of deep purples and bright reds, all the colors of royalty. She slept in a poster bed so extravagant, I would sometimes stand in her doorway, awestruck. Her fine vanity table was lined with jars of sweet-smelling creams and bottles of fancy French perfumes. I could remember Mamma bringing me into her room, sitting me down at her vanity, and brushing my thick blonde hair until it shone. Then she would lean down until her chin was touching my shoulder and gaze at her own reflection in the mirror. I felt plain sitting beside her.

Once I was dressed, I descended the stairs to join my family for breakfast. Mamma, Papa, and Emily were already seated around the table. Emily glared while Mamma smiled. Papa only grunted and nodded curtly. "Mornin'," he muttered without even glancing at me. Mamma's smile widened as I neared the table. She was wearing on of her fancy dressing gowns, this one the color of rich red wine. Her soft blonde hair was brushed and cascaded gently down her shoulders.

"Lillian. Good morning, Darling. We've been waiting for you. You're a little late coming down this morning"

"I'm sorry Mamma," I said. "I went to see Eugenia for a minute." Mamma's warm smile faded at the mention of Eugenia's name. "Yes...well, goodness knows poor Eugenia could use a little more company," she said quickly, her voice still soft and airy. "But, you must also remember, Lillian, to come down on time for breakfast. It isn't polite to leave your family sitting around the table. Will you try to remember that?."

Mamma always chastised me so mildly. She never yelled or made a fuss or even raised her voice the least bit. Her gentle nature was what made me love her so much.

"Yes, Mamma," I promised her. "You really didn't have to wait for me. You could have eaten..."

Emily was quick to interrupt. "We were waiting for you so we could pray. What kind of family would we be if we ate without saying grace first?" she snapped, staring down her long, thin nose at me.

"Emily, please. Let's not fight," Mamma begged. Emily stopped talking, but still stared at me, her eyes icy.

"I'm sorry, Emily." My words were muted with regret. I hadn't meant to anger Emily or upset Mamma. I pulled my chair out and sat down, waiting for Emily to begin our prayer. Emily looked from Mamma to Papa, the finally to me before beginning. She recited the prayer with her hands folded tightly and her eyes squeezed shut. I kept my own eyes shut and my hands tightly clasped, hoping that somehow Emily's prayer would go by a little faster, but it didn't.

"Dear Lord, please bless this food. Bless this family..." Emily droned on and on. Thankfully, she ended her prayer after another minute or so. Although I was relieved to hear her say, "amen," I don't think I was nearly as thankful as Papa, who tore ravenously into his food like he hadn't eaten for days. He stuck a large fork ful of egg into his mouth and chewed very quickly before swallowing.

"You did a real good job sayin' grace, Emily," Papa said. Emily lifted her head and the corners of her mouth twitched as if she were attempting to smile, but couldn't quite do it. But she seemed to glow, thanks to Papa's compliment. Mamma only picked at her breakfast.

"It was very nice, Emily," she said at length, before resuming pushing her eggs around her plate. They oozed yellow yoke all over the beautiful blue and white china plate. Suddenly, she brightened.

"I was thinking we could have a barbeque," she said, her eyes wide, making her look like an excited schoolgirl. "Wouldn't that be nice, Jed? Emily? Lillian? We could have lots of food and wonderful music! Oh, it's been so long since we've last had one!"

Papa nodded. "All right, Georgia. If that's what you want." He didn't say another word about Mamma's proposed barbeque after that. He looked to Emily. "If you don't hurry up and eat, you'll be late for school," he told her. "You had better get a move on, the both of you."

Emily stood up, her back as straight as a ramrod. Her perfect posture and the way she held her head up high as she walked made her seem much for formidable. She tucked in her chair, then eyed me, willing me to eat faster. I took a few more bites of my egg, then stood as well. Emily paused to straighten her skirt and blouse. I smoothed non-existent wrinkles from my dress. Mamma gave each of us a tiny kiss on the cheek. She smoothed my hair.

"Behave, girls. Lillian, be on your best behavior. Do everything Emily tells you."

At that, Emily's sallow face brightened up just a little bit. The one thing Emily loved more than preaching to others was having power over others. She thrived on power the way others thrived on love.

"Come on," she said to me. "We're already late."

Emily and I went to school in a one-room schoolhouse a few miles from our plantation home. Since she was already eighteen, Emily did more teaching that learning. Most of the children we attended school with were intimidated by Emily and kept their noses buried in their books whenever she came near.

"Will you come on? Stop your ambling" Emily cried. Her legs were much longer, and therefor her stride much larger than mine. "It's your fault we're going to be late in the first place."

"Emily. You're walking much too fast for me," I panted, struggling to keep up with her. "I'm walking as fast as I possibly can without running."

Emily continued to walk quite a ways ahead of me, her well-worn Bible clutched tightly to her chest. "It won't hurt you to walk a little faster," she urged me, and picked up her already rapid pace.

Finally, we arrived at our destination. When I complained that my shoes had gotten dirty, Emily promptly told me to "stop my whining." I was silent until I saw our teacher, waving at us.

"Hello, Miss Walker," I called. I began walking a little faster to keep up with Emily. I also found myself unable for lessons to begin. To some, it may have seemed odd to see a twelve year-old so interested in learning, but I couldn't help myself. Schoolwork, especially mathematics, came very easily to me. I could rattle off the multiplication tables effortlessly and do long division in my head, School was my escape where I excelled in almost everything I tried. Emily, on the other hand, was a dunce when it came to figures. There were times I actually felt for her, but part of me liked to watch her squirm as the numbers loomed darkly over her the way she loomed over me.

"Lillian!" a voice called out to me. It didn't take me long to realize that it was Niles. I brightened. Emily's hand clamped down suddenly on my shoulder. She never ceased to amaze me with her strength. For a girl so thin, she was also remarkably rough. Her fingertips dug into my flesh.

"Niles," I gasped. I managed to shrug my way out of Emily's death grip. Niles smiled at me.

"What happened? The twins and I waited for you and Emily, but you never showed. The twins are already inside."

"We were running late this morning," Emily snapped, quickening her pace. "And if we don't hurry, we'll be ever later."

Niles gazed at Emily for a millisecond, then turned his attention back to me. "Well, at least you're here now." He paused for a moment, as if he were debating whether or not it was safe for him to speak again. "I thought about you this weekend," he said shyly. Although my heart was ready to burst, or go flying out of my chest, I could only muster a nod.

"I...thought about you too," I replied awkwardly. My tongue felt too thick in my mouth.

Niles smiled warmly. "Could I walk you to the school building?" he asked. I wanted to say yes so badly it hurt. The words burned somewhere deep in my throat. Niles reached for my hand, but I could feel Emily scowling down at me. I knew her thin lips were pressed so firmly together, they nearly disappeared and her eyes were dark and stormy.

"She's probably willing God to strike me dead right here," I thought to myself.

When Niles' hand touched mine, I jerked away. The expression on his face nearly broke my heart.

"Oh, Niles," I thought. "You just don't understand, do you?"

"Yes, walk with us, Niles," I said after a moment. He looked disappointed. I knew walking with Emily wasn't what he had in mind, but he fell into step with us nevertheless. I made sure to keep an arms length's distance between us as we walked, not wanting to displease Emily any more than I already had.

Niles spoke up after a few moments of silence. "I was thinking of coming to visit you, Lillian. Maybe the two of us could take a walk sometime."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Emily spoke first. "I highly doubt that Lillian will have time to go on walks when she has schoolwork to complete and duties around the house that need to be done. I'm sure you have your own chores as well, Niles," she said, her voice sharper and chillier than the early morning air. At that moment, I hated Emily. I had to resist the urge to knock her to the ground and pummel her. I wanted to soil her clothes, muss her slick hair and slap her across her sour, pinched little face. Never before had I felt such hate surge within me. Hot tears stung at my eyes and I felt a lump rise into my throat, but I swallowed it before Emily or Niles could see I was about to cry.

Niles remained silent as we entered the schoolhouse. It was a small place. The floors were made of old wooden planks. Miss Walker kept them swept clean. Desks were arranged in tidy rows of four. Blackboards lined one wall behind Miss Walker's desk. The room smelled of chalk dust. Miss Walker smiled and motioned for the three of us to take our seats. Emily and I sat in the first row, nearest Miss Walker's desk while Niles and the twins sat two rows away.

Miss Walker's class ran like clockwork and she ruled it with a firm yet fair and gentle hand. After greeting everyone, Miss Walker lead the class in the flag salute. Next, she turned to face the blackboard and began printing simple addition and subtraction problems for the younger students in her neat hand.

"Emily, will you please walk around and make sure that everyone is copying down these problems and doing them correctly?"

Emily was quick to agree. "Yes, Miss Walker," she replied and rose from her seat. She lowered her voice to a mere whisper. "I'll be back," she said to me. "Do your work and don't waste any time or fool around. Remember, you aren't here to socialize, you're here to learn."

Emily marched to the other side of the classroom where Miss Walker sat the younger children. She bent over them, making sure each was on task. Miss Walker had begun to write down math problems for the older students. Suddenly, my gaze slipped from Emily over to Niles. He was hunched over his notebook scribbling away frantically, his tongue pushed between his teeth.

"Look at you," Emily hissed so only I could hear her. "Always staring at that Thompson boy hen you should be doing your schoolwork." I tensed. I hasn't expected her to be back so soon. My hands automatically flew to cover my bare paper. Emily forced my hands away. Her eyes narrowed and her lips twisted into a spiteful little smile. "Blank," she said, her suspicions confirmed.

"I wasn't staring," I insisted softly. "I only glanced at him."

"All you ever do is gawk at that boy with stars in your eyes like some dumb, lovesick little puppy. It's absolutely disgusting." Her voice had been louder that time, and some of the students were staring intently at the two of us.

"Emily, please. People are beginning to stare. Lecture me all you want at home, but I'm begging you, don't do it here."

Emily gripped my arm. "All right, but don't think for a moment that you'll be getting off easy. Don't think that I won't tell Papa as soon as we get home. He'll be so displeased with you." She said this almost cheerily.

Emily always seemed to be pleased when I'd done something she knew Papa would be unhappy about. I didn't care about that as much as I did the fact that Emily's ridicule had made tears well up in my eyes for the second time that day. A few spilled over and slipped down my cheeks. I tried to wipe them away before Emily noticed, but I was too late.

"Oh, stop your sniveling," she whispered. "It's your own fault, after all. You know better."

I jerked my head away and began to copy the math problems onto my paper, hoping that lunchtime would come and grant me some escape from Emily.