Lillian Sweet Lillian


Chapter Two


Nothing to be Afraid Of


Thankfully, lunchtime finally came. I straightened up my desk a bit before taking my lunch outside to eat. Emily chose to eat her lunch in the classroom, probably because she was able to keep a close eye on me without being very obvious. At least she thought she wasn't being obvious. I knew better. Often, I would look back toward the schoolhouse and see her staring disapprovingly through the window.

I made it a point during reading time to find Niles at lunchtime and somehow explain my behavior. I only hoped that he would allow me to explain myself and somehow forgive me. The expression on Niles' face was still etched into my memory. I was disheartened when I exited the building and didn't find Niles sitting on the steps. I looked around for him, but he was nowhere to be found. I decided to ask the twins, hoping they would know where he'd disappeared to.

Niles' older sisters usually ate their lunches under an old oak tree. When they saw me approaching, both glanced up, curiosity in their eyes. I was a little hesitant to go up to them, even if we knew each other. I didn't know either of them very well. The twins were fifteen going on sixteen, and couldn't possibly be bothered to be seen with the likes of twelve year-old me. They chatted with Emily now and again, but for the most part, kept to themselves.

"Hello, Lillian," said one of the twins, her tone noncommittal. "If you're looking for Niles, he isn't here. He never eats with us."

"He usually eats with you over on the steps, doesn't he?" her sister asked. "He's been acting odd today, but if you want to see him, he went into the forest to eat. He said he wanted to be alone."

"I wanted to talk to him. I need to explain about this morning."

"Go and find him, then," said the first twin, nibbling daintily on her sandwich. "He went that way," she finished, pointing in the direction Niles had gone. I thanked the twins and made my way into the forest.

The day was cool for mid-September. The sky was overcast, and a light breeze stirred the tree branches overhead. I pulled my sweater more tightly around me.

"Niles?" I called softly. "Niles, are you here?"

"Lillian?" His voice was barely audible. I peeked into a nearby clearing and found him there, sitting on a fallen log.

"You are here," I breathed, feeling truly relieved. "Why are you sitting here all alone, Niles?" I ventured further into the clearing.

"I'm sorry for what I did earlier," he said. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"Oh, Niles!" I cried, more relief flooding over me. "It was only a little misunderstanding! You didn't upset me, but I was afraid that Emily would see us and tell Papa. She's always on the lookout for reasons to tattle on me. If she were to see you and I holding hands, she would tell Papa. There's no doubt about that. And he would be furious."

Niles shook his head. "I would never do anything to get you in trouble with your Papa, Lillian, you have to believe me when I say that."

I moved closer to Niles. "I do believe you," I said. "With all my heart."

A smile flickered across Niles' handsome face. He moved over, making plenty of room for me on the log. I joined him and for a while, it was silent. "I wish you weren't so afraid of Emily," he said, breaking our silence. "Don't you know that she can't do anything to hurt you? She can't do anything to you. She only likes to think she can."

"I'm not afraid of Emily," I insisted, twisting my hands in my dress. My lie burned as it passed through my lips.

"Emily isn't here. Forget about her, just for a little while. She doesn't exist."

There was such mischief in his eyes, I couldn't help but smile. Slowly, he reached for my hand and this time, I didn't pull away. His hand closed over mine, the skin slightly roughened from working on his father's farm, but warm and comforting just the same.

"I love to be near you, Lillian," he murmured, reaching up to stroke my hair. His movements were awkward, but I didn't care. After a while, he became braver, this time reaching out to brush my cheek with his thumb and forefinger. His tough was so gentle, I wasn't sure if it was real or not. Niles cupped the side of my face with his open palm. "Do you remember our first kiss? The one at the Magic Pond?"

I wanted to cry out, "of course! How could I ever forget it?" But instead I nodded.

"Yes," I replied. "I remember."

"I wish that I could kiss you again," he said wistfully. "Right here. Non one would ever have to know. It would be our secret."

I wanted to. All the feelings from the Magic Pond washed over me, and I had to feel them again. I could remember Niles' lips pressed up against mine and how his kiss left me breathless. It took all my will to refuse.

"We shouldn't," I said. "I wish we could, but we can't."

"There's nothing to be afraid of," Niles said. "Remember that."

With his hand still cupping my cheek, he tilted his head just a little. Then he touched his lips to mine. The world seemed to melt away. For a split second, it was just Niles and I. No one else existed, and even if they did, they wouldn't have mattered a bit.

Time passed easily with Niles for company. When I was with him, I found it impossible to feel anything but love and happiness. The bitter feelings I had been harboring toward Emily since early that morning disappeared, long forgotten.

"I know Papa would be angry with me if he ever knew about our kiss," I said. "He would say it was wrong, that a young girl shouldn't be doing those kind of things. But how can it be wrong, Niles, when it feels right?"

"We aren't doing anything wrong, Lillian," he said, removing his hand from the side of my face. "Your Papa, he's a good man as far as I can tell, but he doesn't understand."

Lunchtime ended far too soon for my liking. We stood and gathered our crumpled brown bags.

"You should go out alone," Niles said, taking my garbage from me. "We don't want Emily suspecting anything, even if her suspicions aren't true. You go on. I'll come out after you're back in the classroom. I can go out that way." Niles pointed out of the clearing past a grouping of coppices. "Emily will be none the wiser."

I nodded, ducked out of the clearing, and found myself back in the schoolyard. Miss Walker stood outside the schoolhouse, ushering children back inside. "Come on! Come on!" she urged them, smiling. In the years before I had started school, Emily told me horrible stories about Miss Walker and how strict and mean she was. She told me that she threw terrible fits and paddled her students if they didn't know the answer to a question. I realized that I was silly to ever believe anything that Emily told me.

"Lillian, come on!" she called. "There's no time to dilly dally around the school yard."

I picked up my pace and dashed across the yard, kicking up dust as I went. I spotted Niles out of the corner of my eye, walking with his sisters back up to the schoolhouse.

***

The moment I arrived home from school, I headed to Eugenia's bedroom, remembering my promise. I found her sitting up in her bed, looking eager.

"Lillian!" she cried, patting an empty space on her bed. "I've been waiting for you!"

"Eugenia, my day was wonderful!" I managed to gasp out before climbing onto her bed.

"Well, tell me!" she urged, grabbing my hand and holding it tightly. "What made your day so wonderful?"

"Niles," was all I said, and Eugenia gave me a knowing smile. "He makes me happy. I feel as if I can tell him anything,"

Eugenia leaned forward. "You're in love with him, then?" she asked me, clutching my hand so tightly, I was taken aback.

"No, I don't think so," I replied slowly, unsure of how to react or what to say. "I care for him. I really do. He's a wonderful friend."

"You don't love him?" Eugenia was confused.

"I do! I mean, I think I...I don't really know what it means to be "in love" with someone. I do know that I love him as a friend. I've never had someone I can confide in like this."

Eugenia scowled. "You confide in me, Lillian. You know you can tell me anything. What you tell me in confidence stays here, I promise." Eugenia placed one small hand over her heart.

"Of course. I know that, Eugenia. I just..." I trailed off and searched for the right words to convey what I was feeling. Just then, Papa threw open Eugenia's bedroom door with such force that it clattered against the wall. He didn't say a word, but his eyes blazed red with anger.

"Papa?" I whispered. Before I knew what happening, Papa gripped my upper arm so tightly my skin turned white. I cried out in pain. The intense pressure on my arm was nearly unbearable. Papa tightened his grip and dragged me from Eugenia's bed.

"Papa, no!" Eugenia cried, flinging her hands out toward me. "Stop it, Papa! You're hurting her!" Papa ignored Eugenia's shouts of protest and pulled me in the direction of the door. I was shaking so much by that time, I could hardly stand. He dragged me away from Eugenia's room so hard and so fast, I thought my arm would be ripped clean from my body. He continued to drag me along, although I faltered with nearly every step. I could hear Eugenia's muffled sobs through her bedroom door.

I thought Papa would take me into my bedroom, but instead we ended up in his office. He released my arm and shoved me away from him, sending me sprawling down toward the ground. I landed with a thud and looked up at Papa with wide eyes.

"Papa, what..." I started to say, but he cut me off before I had a chance to finish.

"Emily told me what you did," he roared. "Emily told me everything. How could you go and do something like that? Haven't Georgia and I raised you better than that? Haven't we always done good by you?"

My first thought was of Emily's threat to tell Papa that I had been paying more attention to Niles than to my schoolwork. I knew that Papa would be displeased with me, but I never imagined me would be so furious. Tears welled in my eyes. My arm ached and so did my backside from the impact of hitting the ground.

"I'm sorry about my schoolwork, Papa," I said. "I didn't mean to make you angry." Tears ran down my face and my voice was frightened and imploring. "I promise, I'll do better."

"This ain't about no damn math problems, Lillian," Papa spat. He pulled me roughly to my feet, grasped my shoulders, and shook me fiercely. I swore that my teeth were rattling around in my head.

"I know you were kissing on that boy. Emily said she saw you kissing that...Thompson boy! If you're already kissing at you're age, it's safe to assume you're doing other things. Sinful things. Things that the Lord looks down upon."

I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. "No. No, no, no, Papa. She's lying. She only wanted to get me in trouble, Papa! I didn't do anything wrong..." I began to ramble, my words spilling from my mouth before I even knew what I was saying. Papa slapped me hard across my face, silencing me. His blow stung and brought more tears to my eyes. Obstinately, I attempted to swallow my imminent sobs.

"Don't you lie to me, girl. You start fibbing' on top of what you're already doing, and you'll only dig yourself in deeper with Him. Every lie that passes through your lips only makes it worse. You won't be continuing with this ungodly behavior, though. I promise you that."

Papa let me go again, allowing me to crumple to the ground. He turned sharply to leave. When he opened the door, I saw Emily, a sick smile contorting her features, as she gazed at me curled up on his beautiful old rug. I clutched at my throbbing cheek and allowed my tears to fall.